Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

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Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

SS01catYou Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

SS 002You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

SS TVsOn the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

SS 07 12.5pYou Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

SS GC vanYou Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

SS 09 AckerYou Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

SS 08 PipeYou Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.

 

The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!

4 thoughts on “Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

  1. I miss those all consuming fantasies about the young Susanna York because the poor maid grew old and died – kinda….sorta…..you know what I mean…..kinda ruined the fantasy knowing she was dead.

    • Oh be-jabbers yes, I know all about ruined fantasies, failed dreams, shattered ambitions etc. Bit of an expert really yer know.
      As fer Ms York, I so agree Sir.
      TTFN

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