The founder and lead non-singer of the Original Zimmer Frame Squeaks, retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer Juan Inchcock (79) is now the last remaining member of the group alive, and his manager Marissa Bergen had placed him in the Sewer Lane Charity Hospice in Nottingham.

She called to see him last week and spoke with him. The conversation went like this:

Marissa: “How are you feeling Juan?”

Juan: “Urgh.. gargle hhhh, pass me ttthe argh… cough sputter, silence.”

Marissa: “Now then, you must sign this contract to ensure that all the proceeds from the Zimmer Fame Squeaks is distributed fairly in the event of your conking out… you understand that don’t you?”

Juan: Gasping for breath caused his head to go up and down but no reply, just a pained and confused look as he shook uncontrollably.

Marissa: “Good… now your agent Shirley and I have discussed what’s best for you in the long term. All we have done is allotted 90% of your none negotiable income to the Bergen-Blamey Fund for attractive womens support of Human Rights for the Outer Mongolian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society. You need have no worries about this as I am the treasurer and Shirl is the President so rest at ease on that score…” “Your not moving Juan? Tsk! I’ll call for a nurse then shall I?” – At this point she spoke with herself while deciding  Um, if he drops off before he signs that contract that means me and Shirl are gonna lose out? Better call the nurse then… ‘Nurse!'”

While they rushed Juan of to be revived again, Shirl arrived under the guise of wanting an interview with Juan about the Zimmer Frame Squeaks.

Marissa greeted her with affection and they went to the bar across the road to discuss tactics.

First Shirl updated her on the Zimmer sitution?

Shirl: “Bad news, the other members of the group back at the residential home have died I’m fraid…”

Marissa: “Oh fluctuations!”

Shirl: “I know gal… any-road, did yer get the fart to sign the contract?”

Marissa: “No, the insanitary twerp had another funny turn and stopped breathing…”

Shirl: “Oh No! Worrabarght the money, how are…”

Marissa: “Fret not Shirl, they’re patching him up again as we speak – but what do we do now? He ain’t gonna get any better now at his age is he? How do we sort it?

Shirl: “I’ve been giving that some thought too – I’ve noticed that doctor the one with the hair… erm…”

Marissa: “Dr Steeden?”

Shirl: “That’s him… well he keeps giving the come-on glances…”

Marissa: “Can you sell them, what are they worth…”

Shirl: “No Marissa, glances? Looks?”

Marissa: “Oh them… go on then!”

Shirl: “We I reckon I could get him on out side with  a bit of loose naughty suggestive comments and half promises…”

Marissa: “Oh you are good!”

Shirl: “Thanks gal.”

Marissa: “Go on…”

Shirl: Well… he should know how to top someone without causing suspicion like? Yes?”

Marissa: “Yea… let’s get another drink and make plans!”

Shirl: “Fair enough!”

Shirl ordered two absinthe and barley wines and they withdrew to corner seats and plotted their plans to convert the young Doctor to their side.

The plan was:

Part One: Get Shirl to get Juan to sign his will in her favour – shouldn’t be too difficult, show him an ankle and he palpitates.

Part Two: Then ask him the best way to nobble Jaun and make it look normal like.

Part Three: When it’s done and over with, we threaten to reveal what the Doctor has done and keep all of Juan’s dosh for themselves!

“Perfick!” said Shirley.

Later that afternoon Shirl returned to Marissa with the advice she had gotten out of Dr Steeden. “It transpires that Juan is absolutely besotted with ladies in pink dresses, old style like?”

Part Two of their plan completed!

“No problem at all, I’ve a cousin in the rag-trade who hires old togs out, I’ll go now, you go see Juan and get him to sign the will in your favour and I’ll meet you on Stag and Unpleasant at seven!”

Shirley went over to the hospice to find that Juan had recovered and was in his room again. she visited him and gave him a bit of verbal buttering up about how good looking and desirable he was and if she gave him his nightly injection and  peck on the cheek (which cheek, Juan got excited) would he leave everything to her in his will?

The will was done and signed in ten minutes!

Part One of their plan successfully completed!

The girls met later and discussed the situation.

Marissa: “Well I’ve got the dress ready… how did you go on with Juan Shirl?”

Shirl: “It was horrendous what I had to do…”

Marissa: “Urgh! You didn’t?”

Shirl: “No no no… I had to stick in the backside with a hypodermic needle and give him a peck on his cheek!”

Marissa: “Argh… you actually…”

Shirl: “No you nit, the cheek on his face!

Marissa: “That’s bad enough… anyway, well done sis.

Shirl: “Had to be done Marissa. Now how are you going to get him to have his heart attack then?”

Marissa: “I’m gonna go over there in the morning while he’s ‘avin breakfast, sneak up on him wearing the old fashions sexy dress!”

Shirl: “Gawd I hope it works?”

Marissa: “We’ll see gal.”

Shirely waited impatiently for Marissa to return, tearing up the beer mats and chewing on them.

Marissa was back in twenty minutes: “Sod-it, he’s still kicking it didn’t work, he just got randy!”

Shirl: “How did you manage?”

Marissa: “Dragged him out of the bed and gave him a kicking – but some interfering nurse arrived and I pretended he’d fell out of the bed and she thumped him one and threw him back on the bed.”

Shirl: “What did he say?”

Marissa: “Well you know his short term memory – he just went on about England winning the World Cup in 1966?”

Shirl: “What do we do now then?

Marissa: “I don’t know…”

Shirl: “I do Marissa, I’ll put me sunglasses on so he doesn’t recognise me, take a gun in with me pretend to be checking on him and shoot him dead, then put the gun in his hand and cry proliferously and wail on about him taking his own life? Good idea?”

Marissa: “No, but it’s all we’ve got innit?”

Shirl: “Leave it with me, I’ll nip down and see Danny ‘the geezer’ Soz and get us a pistol and machine gun!”

Marissa: “Why two guns Shirl?”

Shirl: “He’s got an offer on at the moment two for the price of one…”

Marissa: “Oh good idea!”

The following morning Shirley arrived to visit Juan, and she had on her glasses and a stethoscope round her neck – the cunning disguise fooled Juan completely.

But Juan then noticed the pistol tucked into her skirt top and he said: “Oh, why are you carrying a pistol in the top of your beautifully filled skirt Shirl?”

Cobblers she thought – then the Dr Steeden bloke came in and she lost concentration and gave up, leaving a confused Juan to take his medications.

Shirl and Marissa met again for another confabulation.

Shirl: “Sorry, I couldn’t do it… he sounded almost human the way he complimented me on how I filled my skirt..”

Marissa: “You soft twit! Gawd, I’ll do it missen next time, in fact I’ll go and do it now!”

Shirl: “Be best if we both go this time, give each other encouragement?”

Marissa: “Fair enough!”

They were both a little excited and set off to the hospice once again to finally nail the old codger for good.

Unfortunately they both forgot to take the weapons with them. Probably a good thing because Juan was asleep and looked so tender and gentle.

Undaunted the girls made sure they took the guns with then on their next assassination attempt. Shirley even put on the pink dress as well.

Juan woke as they got to his bedside and saw the gun – he begged for mercy and asked them to kill him!

This was not what was supposed to happen and the girls were confused.

Juan then started singing “♫Goodbyee, goodbyee I wish you both a good goodbyee…♫

They left the room feeling fully shamed of themselves they changed back into their street clothes and started to walk silently out of the hospice… when an alarm sounded and a red light on the wall flashed and medics ran passed them and into Juan’s room.

Moments later two paramedics carried the dead body of Juan out of the room and to the morgue.

Juan had electrocuted himself with his shaver and hit his head on the sink when he fell off the box he stood on to reach the mirror.

The girls jumped for joy and began singing: ♫Goodbyee, goodbyee we wish Juan a good goodbyee…♫