After my being on the minimum wage for so long, it came as a surprise to me when the boss asked if I’d like to do a higher paid assignment for that day.

I jumped at the chance.

Then it came to light that it was a Prisoner Escort job, with an increase of a mammoth 15p per hour!

I was to drive our companies pretend security van to pick up a prisoner from Nottingham clink, and drive him to the Queens Medical Centre for treatment on his arm he injured with a fight with another prisoner. Nice!

After my credentials were checked, a prison officer who was about 6’2” tall and a prisoner that dwarfed him, climbed into the back of the van.

He placed the route plan on the dashboard of my security companies battered old Transit.

Then gave me an RT to use in the event of any emergency.

The Prison Officer explained the duties required of me.

Amongst which: The prisoner was to be handcuffed at all times other than when he was being treated, then one of us must be by his side at all times.

It went okay at the QMC, we were leapfrogged ahead of the other patients – and the giant of a prisoner was tended to in no time.

As we were leaving by the authorised route, a shuddering came from the transit… we ground to a a halt.

The Officer got out to investigate, and informed me the whole tyre had shredded on the off side front.

Of course being the super-efficient security company we were, there was no spare in the van!

He said he’d check and inform the prisoner in the back, and I was to RT in to inform their control, then phone my security company for an immediate replacement.

So I radiod in our plight.

Then minutes later, as I was dialling to call our control room for a replacement vehicle (that I knew didn’t exist), the arrival of three police vehicles that blocked the front and rear of us, and armed officers stationing themselves a various advantage points – all within seconds – confused me somewhat!

Within minutes there were more police vehicles than I thought existed all around us.

The Prison Officer had forgotten to tell me that if a certain two words (changed daily apparently) were used in any message to their control, they were taken as meaning ‘Urgent/Emergency situation back-up required’

Of course muggings here had unknowingly used those two words in my message!

The prisoner thought it was all hilarious.

The Officer was in deep phoo phoo!

My company somehow kept the contract as emergency transport provider for the Prison Service.

I was never chosen for those duties again.

I had to attend police headquarters for an in depth interview and make a statement and I didn’t get paid for it by the company.

I spoke with the Security Manager:

“How come I’m not being paid for going to the police to make a statement then?”

“Worrif yer was a witness under normal circumstances and you had give em a statement then?”

“What do mean boss?”

“Well you couldn’t expect me to pay yer then could yer?”

“I could if it were on me shift time yea!”

“Are but I did pay yer fer you shift din’t we!”

“Yer..”

“Well wot yer moaning abarght?”

“It happened after me shift time dint it!”

“I dint tell yer to do it did I?”

“No, but they did dint they?”

“Who pays yer @#&*ing wages then? I do!”

“But yer dint did yer!”

“Yer,  for the full shift yer ungrateful little bleeder!”

“But not fer the interview!”

“Wot interview?”

“The interview with the police to give me statement!”

” I didn’t tell yer to do it did I?”

“No they did!”

“Let them pay yer then, cause I sure as “%}k ain’t goin’ to!”

“I’ll put me notice if if yer don’t!”

“No yer wont!”

“Yes I will!”

“I’ll sack yer first!”…

Security Company? Cowboys comes to mind!