A Day of failed Witticisms

Friday 27^th March 2015

 

Couldn’t get to sleep last night, tried everything – reading me D-Day book, looking at me Trolleybus book, Facebook, radio etc… Not much luck.

Seemed like I got ten minutes akip and anther ten wide awake all night until about 0445hrs when I nodded off for four hours solid.

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Dreams I remembered:-

Working for someone in a sprawling factory with a tiny porta-cabin office where I was called to regularly and given jobs that took me off-site. I think I was being nice to the boss for some reason, although I sensed I didn’t like him. I can recall two of the jobs given me… well bits of them.

Job 1: I was a court judge – I handed out some pretty horrible punishments – A Pavement cyclist got life, A mobility scooterer got twenty years hard labour (I can’t recall what for), Tony Blair was sentenced to having his tongue removed then to be executed by being stoned to death by the relatives of dead soldiers and a footballer I sentenced to having his testicles crushed in a vice… there were many others I’m sure but can’t recall them or why now.

Job 2: I had to fetch something from a place I didn’t know and take it back to the boss -I went on a motorbike, got lost in a giant office complex and started panicking – a beautiful plump round-faced pretty posh lady helped me find the office I wanted – As I left with the parcel under my arm I looked back up at the building and saw her smiling and waving to me… I got knocked over and woke up in the Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital in Woolwich without any legs… first thing I noticed was the well crushed parcel in a shopping basket with my bloodied clothes on the floor by the bed – two men with broken noses, scars, knuckle-dusters on and an intimidating appearance came to me and demanded money for the doctors taking my legs off? I told them I had no money, Why they asked, “Cause I’ve spent it all on a new camera I replied”. “Oh #’\% me” said the taller one of the ruffians “You have to have em sewn back on again now then!” The shorter one asked me to take his photo? Next thing I was trying to gain access to the bosses office with the smashed up parcel and the boss opened the door and told me I was sacked and shot me with Luger…

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WC’d, haemorrhoids bad again, must give them a good soak in the bath and tend to them later. Tut!

Made a cuppa and took me medications before I actually nodded of.

Had a good scrub up and bath – tended to me tender areas.

Did a bit of Facebooking and this diary up to here.

I’ll take me new Fuji camera with me today methinks, see if I can get used to it, I should be okay I’m sure…  

I got the bits ready to take to the Sherwood branch of the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, bus-pass etc. and set off on walk into Sherwood.

The sun kept coming out occasionally through the clouds a few times and the wind was a bit less than it was yesterday like.

Took a photo of the sky at the end of the road – a tad unwelcoming.

Onto Mansfield Road and I made good headway today cause Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna were good to me – only the haemorrhoids being troublesome.

A different lady on duty today at the charity shop thanked me for the donation and nibbles, nice gal.

She asked if I was alright and for some reason I gave an answer that a woman I worked with in 1968 Margaret used to give me verytime I asked her if she was okay: “Not so dusty, well brushed!” The lady frowned looked me up and down and said quietly ‘Oh’ – Failed Witticism number One of the day.

I caught a bus into town, dropping off at Victoria Centre and walking in from the Tesco end I fed some pigeons some seeds.

Took a photo of some ‘Bling’ with the new camera for the TFZ gals – after downloading it at home, I was very disappointed with the quality.

I cut through the jitty and out through the back of the centre and made my way to the Aldi store in search of some more of the whole potatoes in herb sauce.

Managed to get four packs, I’m rather taken with them, partly because of the wonderful taste and partly because they cook so well in the microwave oven.

I also noticed they had started selling their own brand of bread thins at a good price – I just got one pack to try them out first.

Then I noticed on my way back through Vic centre – that the ‘Boost’ juice stall had two customers- at the same time – I whipped me camera and recorded this rare almost unheard of event!

A chap passing when I took the photo asked me: “Why are taking a photo of that then?”

I replied (Another failed Witticism coming here…) “I thought David Cameron would like to know how well they are doing!”. Another frown from a Nottinghomian followed by a loud Tut, and off he went. Hey-ho!

I proceeded up the escalator and into the walk-over taking a photograph of the traffic from my usual position.

A tad gloomy and the wind seemed to be picking up.

Down to steps to ground level – and three Vic Centre employees were trying to chase out a crippled pigeon – not with a lot of success either. There was only them and me there and I risked another witticism: “Can you manage lads? Do you want some help like? I could gas-it for yer if it’ll help?” and I laughed out load – this wasn’t appreciated in the least – Dirty looks and sneers came from their faces in my direction as I hobbled down the stairs away from them, leaving them swearing at and chasing the crippled pigeon.  Failed Witticism number three of the day.

I went into Wilkinsons store and got some Antiseptic disinfectant and nasal spray.

Out and back towards Trinity Square.

Noticing the Nottinghomians had not lost none of their love of crossing the traffic lights against the red don’t-cross signal.

I wandered up and dropped some bird seed and meal-worms for the pigeons to nibble.

Then down the jitty to the bus stop.

Where my fourth witticism also failed with the bus-driver!

Getting on the bus I tripped due to the weight of me bag I think (The potatoes?) – and exclaimed something like: “Oh boggleskellysworth” at the pain it caused to me rear end. The driver looked at me outraged and offered a scowl of crushing magnitude. I don’t know what he might have thought I’d said but he was not pleased.

I dropped off the bus at Carrington and popped into the Co-op store to see if they had any of me ice-cream centred fruit flavoured lollies in – they had so I got a pack.

As I approached the till area I went to the first one expecting someone to turn up to attend to me – and heard a female voice call out rather sharply from the other end: “This one, I’m here!” she commanded.

I moved down to her and said chirpily with a grin on my face: “Sorry midduck didn’t see yer, me hearing aid batteries are on the wain!” I thought that as me best witticism of the day…

She didn’t – I got an “Eh…?” from her and a look of incredulity followed by one of the greatest Tsks I’ll ever heard.

I thought it best to stop trying my witticisms any more after failing with first five efforts to bring a smile to anyone’s faces?

Limped back to the bomb-site, slipping some seed to Fatima and Fred on the way.

WC’d and treated me soreness, put me bits away, made a flask tea and went up to start this diary.

Had a rinse and changed into me jammas.

Took me medications then went down to make me potatoes, franks and petit pois, followed by an iced lollie.

Drifted off to sleep…