League of Mental Men Party Manifesto

May 2015

Immigration:

Spokesperson: Clivey Dee

Yer… what about it like mate? We know what we’re doing! Now push off… turd!

Taxes and the economy:

Spokesperson: Marissa Bergen:

I will remove the VAT on guitars and drums, this is essential for musicians and budding musicians and of great concern to me that the high costs may well stunt the musical aspirations of the delinquents in the UK, thus forcing them to take-up unworthwhile careers in banking, the global economy or study history at Nottingham University rather than try to win but failing to of the European Song Contest for the country.

The NHS:

Spokesperson: Inchcock

“We will ensure that all peoples of 69 years of age and over, with a replacement heart, and suffering from angina, arthritis, sticking reflux valve, deafness, haemorrhoids, duodenal ulcer, baldness, deafness, bad eyesight, dizzy spells, hernia and loss of short term memory will be treated 24/24 by jaguaresque nubile nurse day and night nurses and receive free beer tokens, a daily lavender massage and will get free membership of the ‘Support for Ex-Gas Lamp Wick Trimmers Association’. The finances for these new services will be raised by the NHS refusing to treat teetotallers, pavement cyclists, Olly Murs fans and Demented Liberal Democrat supporters.

Security Defence & Foreign Affairs:

Spokesperson: Mike Steeden

We will save this Nation an absolute fortune with our innovative ideas for the transformation on the UK’s land forces. And, the Boy Scouts, Boys Brigade and Liverpool ball-boys we replace the soldiers with can rest assured that they will not be on a Zero hour contract! We will legalise weed and Outer Peruvian Gin for them as well.

Jobs:

Spokesperson: Rachel Carrera

It is essential that we have no person unemployed whatsoever when we apply our manifesto for Jobs. There will be a new chain of education centres built throughout the land to be known as the Carrera Colleges and anyone not in employment will be forced to attend one of the many various courses in job-related study that ill be made available. The cost of these training coursed will b paid by the government – anyone not getting a job after successfully completing their course will repay the costs themselves. Anyone failing their course will be detained at Her Majesties pleasure awaiting deportation when we can find someone to take them.

Education:

Spokesperson: Alienora

New disciplines will be introduced to help the students into work so they can buy books to read themselves. Erotic tales, Rampant Bedroom Antics and Naughty Nights In will be the first courses.

Housing:

Spokesperson: Shirley Blamey

Builders, repairmen, electricians, plumbers etc will be bound in honour to provide an acceptable service to house holders in the future. Nissan huts will be provided locally for any poor sod moving house. Failure on the half of the said service providers will lead them open for punishment including a fine, their wrist slapped an having their testicles removed with barbed-wire covered pliers and then stripped naked and nailed to the floor for victims of their shoddy work to pee over them and pour bleach and petrol all over their prostrate bodies before being set alight.

Law and Order:

Spokesperson: Gaz Hoadley

The new LOMM police force will replace the current Police Service. This body of officers will require constant contributions of money, sex and encouragement. Their body armour machine guns, pistols and and state of the art lazer weapons will be paid for by the imprisoned ex-MP’s and their families.

Benefits/Poverty:

Spokesperson: Buffalo Tom Peabody

Both of these will stop immediately we get into power. Anyone wanting to know how – please visit https://buffalotompeabodyblog.wordpress.com/ Thank you.

Alcoholic Testing Facilities:

Spokespersons: The League of Mental Men

All current and new brands of alcoholic beverages on the market must be tested my members of the League of Mental Men before going on the market. Testing of each brand will be done over a period of six weeks in support of a fair deliberation being made by each member.