Saturday 15th February 2020

Italiano: Sabato 15 Febbraio 2020

01:45hrs: I woke with Saint Inchcock and Sloth Inchcock arguing in my head. Saint insisted we all get up and make a start on the blog and much-needed graphicalisationing. Sloth was saying ‘Soddit’, I’m staying in the recliner! However, after a couple of minutes debating and arguing with myself, the need for an urgent wee-wee arrived, and we had no choice but to get up, out of the second-hand, £300, sickeningly beige coloured chair!

It’s just as well I did! I grappled with getting up, and on my feet, Arthur Itis was still annoyed, just like yesterday. Tsk! The GPEWWB (Grey-Plastic-Emergency-Wee-Wee-Bucket) had not been needed all night, but, boy oh boy, was it used this time! I had to give this one a new name; a TTSLTATO (Torrential-Throughout-Stopped-Like-Turning -A-Tap-Off) mode! Blimey, it’s flaming lucky I didn’t take a water tablet (Furesomide) last night! It also stopped abruptly, this was a new style for me! I almost felt tired by the time it had finished. Still, there was no bleeding or pain with it. Haha!

I coped very well with the trip to the kitchen, no trips, no Dizzy Dennis nor Shaking Shaun hassle! I could see no signs of Storm Dennis through the window. Then I remembered the forecast, it said noon today to start, midnight to stop. How can they know that?

As I got the kettle on, the innards indicated immediate, imperative, essentiality that I visit the Porcelain Throne.  All the usual signs were there, the rumbling and grumbling, the automatic clenching of the bottoms-cheeks and the silent microminiature escapage of wind, that ponged like you wouldn’t believe! I grabbed the four-pronged walking stick and hastened the short distance to the wet room.

Now I’m going to explain precisely what happened, every syllable is correct! Please skip the next two paragraphs if you’d sooner not hear about it, thank you. (I’ve put two asterisk marks in black, where the story ends for you to avoid the WC details.) I got down on the seat, thinking things would start automatically as they had been doing for days now. After several minutes of waiting for, and encouraging some movement without any luck, I got on the crossword puzzling. And waited. Then waited some more. No half-way blocking, because nothing was coming out at all, not even any wind?

Then it came, I had no control over the evacuation whatsoever. It was agony and a grinding pain! Things raced, though. And the pain increased as it finally ended, with a ‘Kerplunk’ and water splashed back up the rear end! When the release was done, the Savlon and foot medication spray both fell off of the floor cabinet! Could the thunderous contents hitting the water and porcelain have dislodged them? It was so funny, even at the time. Because I did not move or knock the cabinet at all? Ah, the Mysteries of my beloved Woodthorpe Court, that lies somewhere between the twilight zone and a wormhole slipping through a tear in the fabric of space & the spacetime continuum. With illusion, delusion, & hallucination, so rife!

I rested a few seconds, got the stick and stood up to wash the back passage… oh, the blood had flowed, the bottom was sore, and the aroma was hardly bearable! The hue of the blood indicated it was from Haemorrhoid Harold’s inner pile-selection.

A mammoth cleaning and medicating session were completed. In between several re-flushes to remove the contents down the pipe. Humph! After washing things, the ‘Care’ haemorrhoid cream tube is now almost used up, the Savlon applied, and out came the Au de toilette spray, for some heavy use! ** 

I noticed that the pins (legs) were almost in the same condition as yesterday. A rarity indeed, although they had gained some colour. But that would most likely be from the evacuation farce? Then I spotted, on the lower part of the right leg,  a new odd mark coming up. I thought at first it would be something that would wash off, but no! Maybe a scuff mark from yesterdays tumbles, no pain at all with it.

I got back to the kitchen, and realised I had been in the wet room for over an hour! What a picklement I’d got myself into! Haha!

I imbibed the medication, made the tea, and got onto the computer. A lot needs doing today, graphically, and I was suddenly determined to get it done before the fatigue comes, or anymore Whoopsies or Accifauxpas activate. I updated yesterdays post, this took a few hours due to the number of photographs to sort out. Put some pictures on Pinterest. Then onto the WordPress reader.

Then had to create the page top graphics for this blog. During which, Nicodemus’s Neurotransmitters let me down (It only lasted for a minute or so, but I could not control the fingers at all for this time). My fingers and hand ran all over the place on the keyboard. I found I was now watching a blue screen, telling me I was now in a Firefox Private Window? I didn’t panic, which made a change. I turned off the internet and reloaded. All back to normal so far. (I hope!) Obviously, I had no idea what I’d pressed to get there. But my spirits lowered, and I prayed that Nicodemus will behave better now.

I took some photographs of the oh-so-changed new blue hue view. As I did so, the damned toothache kicked in again! I’m getting a little depressed here!

The first in Panorama, and the second in Aperture Priority setting. But it was long later before I got around to adding these, that I may have got them the wrong way around. Sad, innit? Tsk!

07:00hrs: I made another mug of Glenghettie te+a to replace the one that had gone cold. And got some sliced mushroom in the slow-cooker. I added some onion salt and malt vinegar. The aim being, to have these ane garden peas added to the beef in onion gravy cook-in-the-pouch later on. The best-laid plans of mice and men?

I got the mushrooms in the slow-cooker on low. Then made a brew, took another wee-wee, they were all of the same modes, up until now. I also put the casserole pan filled with water, on a low light ready for the beef later.

Back to the computerisationing.

Oh, dearie me! I found that the moment I started typing, I had a double blow! The toothache got worse, and Nicodemus’s Neurotransmitters kicked off, and stayed of for hours! I took some more Codeines, but only through desperation with the pain. I was not happy taking so many at all. But there you go!

I spent hours and hours on graphicalisationing, and by I5:00hrs, I’d only got three done.

Finding a mistake in one of them, I had to replace it with another one. The nerve ends were making work very hard.

I remembered belatedly to check on the Amazon, sock order tracker. Hard to tell, but I think it might be coming around 16 > 18:00hrs.

I moved the mushrooms to a saucepan and added the garden peas and sliced tomatoes in with them. This was when I realised I had, yet again! – put the wrong hob on, and another of the new saucepans had its bottom burnt! I calmly got the pan off of the heat and cleaned it up the best I could. It’s looking a bit sorry, though. I got the casserole pan on the right heat hob this time. Nicodemus is still playing up!

I’m afraid I then started to feel a little depressed. (Well, sorry for myself I think!) The day started fair enough, but now things are going out of sync for me.

But I had to bumble along and try to get some Thoughts done for the blog tomorrow.

No one to talk to. Toothache. The transmitters annoyingly failing more than working, thus making things on the CorelDraw take three or four times as long. I’ve got to stay up for the long hosiery socks to arrive, so I might as well try to get some graphics done. The damned ‘Hum’ is getting louder! Someone above keeps tap-tapping at something. The handwashing needs doing!

And now, I’ve just made a mug of tea, and dropped the milk bottle!

Oh, and I missed the Dentists appointment yesterday. How I don’t know. Perhaps it would be best if I didn’t know, the state of mind I’m in.

It might be a good thing that they made the new windows so I can’t jump out anyway! Hahaha!

The intercom flashed as I was passing it on the way to the wet room. It was the Amazon socks arriving, so I let him in and delayed the Porcelain Throne usage. He was soon up and at the door with socks for me.

I thanked the young man and nipped back to the wet room. I opened the packet to have a look at the socks first.

They looked suitable and long, up near the knee, I hope they’ll come. But, I’d made a faux-pas and ordered cotton ones, not the bamboo ones I meant to get! The toothache came on again, and it served me right, for being such an incompetent, ignoramus, and imbecilic, incapable idiot! I really should have known, because the price was so cheap! Self-derogatory-thoughts-Mode Engaged. Harrumph! Still, cotton might be okay, I’ll soon find out when I try them in the morning. Schlemiel!

Then another evacuation farce! The body was telling me I needed to go, but nothing happened, a lot of wind, and bubbling from the innards, though? I tried to encourage things along, but it didn’t have it. Ah, well!

Washed the dandies, and off to the kitchen. I got the boil-in-the-bag beef and onion gravy going. Moved the mushrooms into the saucepan with the garden peas, and flavoured it with onion salt, and (unsure if this will work or not, fingers crossed) I added a jar of Korean BBQ sauce and mixed it all in well.

I put some chips (fries) in the oven, and then got the handwashing done, rung and hung. Only a long-sleeved t-shirt and pair of socks, but I’d put a tad too much liquid soap flakes in the bowl, and needed to rinse it several times. Very agrannoing! Tsk! Surely even I can’t have a run of bad luck as long as this? But it got worse!

Oh, ‘eck and dearie me! I took so long over the handwashing, I ended up with the bottom of the veg saucepan burnt, a hell of a job to clean it! The chips were rather well done, but no bother, I like them that way. And the casserole pan had overflowed all over the cooker! I was mostest disappointed in myself today! However, when the meal turned out much better than I thought it would, my Defcon-Panic level dropped. Hahaha!

I was well-pleased that the gamble of putting the Korean BBQ sauce in with the onion gravy turned out a success! Swank-Mode-Engaged! The overcooked chips were great! I had some wholemeal flatbread to soak up the gravy with. And the Lemon Curd yoghourt I’d got, a different brand this time, was in a much smaller pot, but out-flavoured the Morrison one by a long way. It was not as sweet and a little thinner. Overall, a Taste-Rating of 9.25/10! At last, I got something right!

I cleaned the pots, as I mentioned, the burnt saucepan took a while, and the new stainless steel pan is now stained! So, I now have had the utensils for a week or so, three of four pans have been burnt and scarred for life, and I’ve only used two of them!

Now here’s a thought, my life should be recorded and shown as a soap opera or comedy? The leg photos should be on display on the Tate gallery. My body should be preserved and used to scare people into eating properly and dieting! My plastic ticker, that has already outlasted the estimate, could be used for Medical Training. Just a thought! Hahaha!

I took the medications, with an extra pain-killer to counter the toothache. Then got my flatulent, fat, wobbly bellied body ensconced in the recliner. The £300, second-hand, near-dilapidated, scarily gungy-beige coloured, c1968, sometimes working, uncomfortable, rickety, ready-for-recycling, rinky-dinked, rattling, rusty, resurrected, reconditioned, recalcitrant, recidivating and rotting-away recliner.

Got the TV on, and watched some ‘Caught on Camera’… well, for about five minutes, then I drifted off, into a much needed, blissful sleep! Ah, lovely!