Tips & Advice – Part 5¾ – In Bad Ode

Related In Chronically Bad Ode

Today’s Tips & Advice topics for Whippersnappers are drawn from the long list of Whoopsiedangleplops and Accifauxpas suffered by Inchcock over the many depressing, failed years. In the hopes that the Whippersnappers will be better prepared for the coming of old age, senility, loneliness and thus: Thus at least giving them a chance to get things right. They can welcome death when it arrives and will make their passing a sweeter thing, as they gladly escape the moralless, debauched, cruel world. My pleasure!

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When I learned what Mother said when I was born,
To the midwife, was ‘I don’t want it, throw it in the Trent’!
I showed no bitterness, no scorn…
Although it was a bit of a rent…
I just carried on, not forlorn?
Although young, you must try to find out what she meant!

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The Mysterious Auntie Kerry

When a previously unheard off Auntie Kerry,
She was attentive, a massager and maternalistic,
Came to bath me, she smelt of sherry,
She spoke proper English, seemed aristocratic,
She was gentle with me, bar the occasional battery…
Bath time with her was a pleasure, never dramatic,
But this always left me contented and merry…
I think when she’d leave, I’d turned lovesick?
Aunt Kelly was touchy-touchy and charismatic,
I was heartbroken when she stopped coming, oh, very!

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Never approach a horse from behind,
When it’s wearing blinkers…
Cause you may well find…
You could get a kick in the knackers!

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Please wear a face mask still,
When out and about in buses and shops,
Help stop others from getting ill,
It would be appreciated if you will!

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Or not?

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For the sake of clarity, rhyming will be suspended for this, most important of Advice & Tips, on the aged and disabled old codgers dangers and problems with the Porcelain Throne activities; That the Whippersnappers may not yet be aware of, that are on their way.

Getting To The Throne On Time:

Important: Any early warning signs of evacuations being needed mustn’t be ignored. Never, and I mean Never, delay your journey to the toilet!
Fair enough, I do seem to get wildly varying modes of evacuations – rock-solid half-hour minimum ones and squirty, almost liquid efforts. Be prepared for either!
The days of “I’ll just finish this then get off to the bog” will end on your first Accifauxpas en route! Believe me, this will come!

Consistently distribute your walking sticks – I have one in the hallway near the flat door, the kitchen, front room, and main room. This will be priceless when needed – and they will be! I also have picker-uppers in the kitchen, main room and wet room.

Also, the availability of disinfectants is advised; I have Dettol and Zoflora Lemon in all three rooms, along with fresh air spray. Because you will never know when an escapage of blood, poo-poo or urine will occur. These events will cause self-embarrassment, frustration and cost you so much pain and time to clean up and medicate; each time, you will get little else done that day! So, another essentiality is a good supply of protection pants at all times.

Below is my current stock of PPs in the wet room. The Tena ones are a little bulky and are bound to show through the trousers when I go out without a long jumper on. Embarrassment Scale ‘A’.

However, I have found some PPs named Depend, bought them from Amazon. They are a lot cheaper than the Tena. At first, I was not impressed; they are less bulky, thinner than the expensive ones. I believed that they would not cope with a decent leakage. I thought that Blood from Little Inchies fungal lesion, a urine blast, or heaven forbid, a solid evacuation from the rear, would not be containable. Good news. Well, not that I had the urine and bleeding leak from Little Inchie in itself, but how well the Dependable pants coped with it all. I was well-pleased with ’em!

Just another warning about crap products in the Protection Pants department; Avoid Morrisons Comfort Pants at all costs! Firstly they are not comfortable in the slightest! And are not fit for purpose. I had a minor leakage of blood from the fungal lesion a month ago, when I was wearing a pair of these pants, ended up with blood on my legs and knees, and had to scrap the trousers!

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A Final Tip!

When in hospital after having a stroke (which the NHS assures us will happen to 3.3 out of every 5 people in the UK), and you get a leg ulcer to come up on your ankle – don’t fret!

Mine is already beginning to ease and after only three years.

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Part of the Inchcock Make ‘Em Laugh, – In Ode Series

16 thoughts on “Tips & Advice – Part 5¾ – In Bad Ode

  1. The 3/4 view is interesting. Bath time with Auntie Kerry is a found memory. Those bloody leg ulcers are something you want to forget.

  2. My kids used to soak in the out-of-doors using exactly this kind of galvanized tub. We still have it out back for various sundry and unsundry uses, a great resource for nearly anything.
    Aunt Kerry was no one to toss you in the Trent, else we would not have this blog to visit and to learn. Required reading in many households, if not most households with an internet connection. I just might be exaggerating a very small amound, of course.
    Depends is the leading brand in the US, it is because you can depend upon them to capture things you evacuate.
    Three years is a long time to suffer with a leg ulcer, fortunately now gone and, it is to be hoped, never to return.
    A decent Saturday to you, kind Sir!

    • Heartwarming to hear of the ‘Tin Bath’ still in use, mate! This has inspired an idea for a blog to do today, cheers!
      The old leg ulcer was brought on apparently they told me, from being given Clopadogrel in the stroke ward, then found out I had an allergy to it.
      I didn’t know that Depends was so popular over there, Billum. I’d never heard of them before – but so glad I found them.
      I wonder if JB wears them? Or has shares in the company?
      Samstag now, and flipping cold with it. I made a brew of Glengettie first thing this morning (seemed like a good idea when I woketh), and opened the window to have to peruses of the early morning sky, and the rain hit me smidgeon – boy it felt like ice! I can’t get warm again now, shivering! Hehe!
      Love to all. ♥

      • Depends have been around since yonks, better than hoping for a miracle, innit? Einen kalten Samstag im spaeten November haben wir. Glengettie is a good mate in such a case. However, a cold rain counters an early morning brew, it do, ’tis true.

      • Bitter here, Sir Billum. Snow falling and I thought it would be too cold for that… hello, it’s stopped now. Sleight covering on the rooftops.
        Carer just called a while ago, she was much more resposive to my nattering today, and very nearly broke into a smile or two. I was pleased to see her in better spirits. As she left, I mipped into the wet room – and found I’d left my flies gaping wide! Ahem!

      • A little snow on the rooftops lends some charm to the great city of lore that is Nottingham, gives it a seasonal feel I’m guessing.
        Some carers are much less prone to nattering than others, personality breaks through the outer appearance with a smile (or two, of course). I am going to guess that a carer witnesses a few open flies in the course of duty, but gaping takes it to a higher level does it not? Ahem.
        The word ‘gaping’ reminds me of a quote from the science fiction writer L. Sprague de Camp. He was talking about how gullible people can be. The quote:
        “Some people have minds that are not only open but gaping.” Ahem!
        A great many gaping minds out there by my unofficial count.

      • Aha, gaping bringeth on the embarrassment mode! Tsk!
        Valerie had just been, IU think the other vasrer who saw things she shouldn’t, musy have spoken with Val, cause the frist thing she did was check my lowe regions with her eyes… Oh, dear! She rushed the job as well.

      • The Case of the Gaping Fly by Erle Stanley, the Gardener.
        Checking the lower region is the tell I’m told. A matter of:
        Do I mention *anything* ?
        No, she might interpret *anything* as … well … *anything*
        Then there is the matter of rushing off…from what?
        A no win situation, innit?
        Too many quandaries

      • Tin baths are timeless (or is it ‘tinless’?
        Depending on the audience, you can always depend on Depends ® to find its way into many a conversation. I shall need to ask JB if he depends on these items in the course of his duties. Monday morning perhaps, we’re in the middle of a four-day holiday over here. Getting ready for the onslaught of advertisements to prompt folks to buy all manner of stuff.
        Glengettie is a good medium for breaking an overnight of sleeping: assuming that you enjoyed any time with good old Sweet Morpheus. HRH Lisa has again been snubbed by Morpheus, an endless chain of days and nights without sleep. Somehow, I feel guilty for sleeping through most nights without too much wakefulness.
        Being awoken with a cold dash of rain to the face is another way to wake up. Brrrrr and Aargh.

      • Ah, you remindedeth me there Billum. I did some channel hopping last evening, and the same advert for vaccumm washers was on four of the six channels I viewed within seconds. Vax is the name – boring me is their game! Hehe!
        Poor HRH Lisa, t’aint fair! My sleep patterens have gone all to pot lately, I’m not surprised, but I’m surprised not to be surprised… I’ll leave that one if you don’t mind Bill, got a little mixed there.
        Glengettie and Thompsons Punjana, are more like a medicine to me. Hehehe!
        TTFNski, good squire, and I’ll try to have a word with Morpheus about HRH’s problem, Sir. ♥

      • Vax has to be the most inane name in the history of products that suck. We don’t seem to have it available in these parts, perhaps it is marketed under a different name. A vacuum by any other name would suck as much (a Billum Shakespeare rejected line).
        Sleep patterns are something that HRH Lisa battles daily and nightly. Perhps she should try some Glengettie and Thompson’s Punjana. Intervenous versions of these two teas should be made available at hospitals everywhere.
        And, thank you for speaking with Lord Morpheus, Sir.

      • Hi, Billumski. The carer who came last night, as the Vax advert was on the box – The box being on for my ‘Heartbeat’ episode… where was I? Oh, yes, and the Vax as came onn and I mentioned how fed-up with being shown on this channel (ITV 10) so often. She pinted out that even her kids are fed up with it, apparantly she has Sky Full Package, with 515 TV channels, 124 Replay channels, and 44 dedicated film channels? The Vax add, is on every single one, repeatedly! The kids channel-hop (change channels?) and often it is on every channel they go through?
        The ‘Billum Shakespeare rejected line’ is a good un, Haha!
        Morpheus; I gave him a good talking to, and hope he’s taken wot I swore at him to heart!
        Cheers, mon ami. ♥

      • Watching a “Heartbeat” episode sounds like the doings of a coniving teacher who sits at the back of the room. While the students watch a video, the teacher texts her boyfriend. A lazy way is always available. A question: Is Heartbeat a boring pain?

      • Ah, typical old fashioned TV, Billum. A little village come town, Adensfield out on the Yorkshire Moors, four police officers at the station. Yet each week they manage to get a murder, robbery, kidnapping, unwanted births etc, yet all seemingly in slow motion.
        Nearly every other week they use the armed police who get called in, with their LE 303’s. I just wish they would put the view timing back a bit, so I can watch it with the distraction of snotty, non-communicative and the odd gorgeous natterbox carer. Hahaha

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