Crowell Manor Laboratory Visit

CROWELL MANOR LABORATORY 102-Optical Solutioning

Crowell Manor Laboratories

The scientist & owner of the 46 laboratories, Billum; Master of Computational Finance, Master of Science in Teaching now retired. Has put his developments in his underground laboratories of a Time-Machine and Automatic Pickled Walnuts Slicer developments, experiments and creation on hold, all in the name of empathy and care of blogger Inchcock. Why? I’ll tell yer…

Billum invited Inchcock to come to his scientifically outstanding latest additional laboratory, dedicated to Medicationalistical ailments in the elderly. Having read the news about the Nottingham pensioner was having with his Cataracts, Glaucoma and Saccades in the sad old twits blog. He’s got plenty of his own, yet magnanimously and with great beneficence, Billum offered Inchcock to visit and “Have your Eyes Checked” in Laboratory 102, dedicated to Optical Solutioning! A marvellous offer and gesture, which the old Nottinghamian jumped at the eleemosynary offer. (Not literally, of course, jumping awake, yes, he can and does do… I’m waffling off of topic here again; sorry!)

Someone so far away, with his own ailments to cope with, and cares for others… That’s Billum! On arrival, they fed me, washed me, and we were soon going down to Laboratory-102. A fantastic, amazingly dazzling reception area… I think that his son Alan is the one who deals with the building side of things.

Billum’s other half, HRH Lisa, came in and gave me a sexy, pulse-prompting dance routine to the sounds of 1970s music. While Billum checked on Google, I assume to refresh his memory on cataracts, glaucoma and saccades?

It seemed like no time; it does when you are enjoying yourself. Before Billum took me through to his newest Laboratory-102.

He started his examination of my eyes…

Amid so many tests, prodding, probes and the usage of, to me, unidentifiable optical machines, some that played music, others that hummed, I smelt the perfume of my beloved (but don’t tell Billum) Sweet Petal, HRH Lisa… it was tantalising and moved my loins. Or maybe the painkiller that Petal Lisa gave me caused hallucinations? It contained Codeine, CBD and Cáñamo Hashish, whatever they are, but I felt no pain; they worked a treat!

I was spoilt rotten afterwards!


They sat me on a luxurious settee,
That was warming; they were lovely…
Served biscuits and a mug of Glengettie tea,
Petal Lisa came in and sat with me…
Billum was typing his assessment, you see…
The cats jumped up on my knee,
Petal Lisa, gemtly kissed me… ♥
I realised the tests done by Billum, for free!
I asked Petal Lisa if she wanted an adoptee?
Billum came in his report in hand and calmly…
Said, “It’s’ alright, you’ve got two eyes, not three!

That sort of puzzled and confused me…
Billum gave me a large bottle of CBD…
I went to take a wee-wee…
It didn’t flow very freely…
I said I know I’ve two eyes anyway…
Billum added, rather pleasantly,
Well spotted, and sent me away!

I make these blogs for Billum and Lisa, my Petal,
Not for anything that is epithetical…
But to raise a laugh, which to me is congenital,
For Billum, Alan and my precious Lisa Angelical!
I believe a laugh is as effective as hexobarbital,

Enough of this waffle,
I need another pittle,
Usually a painful trickle…
But releasing it is vital…
But having a laugh, trying to be comical…
To me, is worthy and commonsensical!
Even in this ode, that’s pathetical!

 Part of Inchcocks Make Them Laugh Series

28 thoughts on “Crowell Manor Laboratory Visit

  1. Heartfelt thankage for the long list of degrees and considerationage of matters accomplished — long enough to require a sheet of A4 paper.
    Please enjoy some more pickled walnuts, sliced fresh this very Sunrise. Please enjoy the biscuits and tea, soothing conversation, free therapy, and all other things.
    HRH is adept at all things requiring hospitality and entertainment, bon-motter, writing queen, and friend to the man of 72 at the Woodthorpes.
    Lab-man Billum conducted a thorough examination of the Eyes of Inchy, arriving at the indubitable clinical finding that his patient did not have an improper number of eyes. Picking up his slide rule, Dr. Billum calculated the exact number of orbs per eye socket (a clue: there were two). Thereupon, he performed another mathematical operation to arrive at the total number of eyes studied. Consulted his noble slide rule once again. Decided that the number 4 was somehow part of the eye-quation. Dr. Billum did then deftly move the slide and hovered the crystal over the number 4. A hush fell over the lab as the hairline sped over the hash marks, slowly and dramatically arriving at the exact number off eye-orbs present: 2.
    Billum issued a press release to share the findage with all interested parties.
    Sesame crackers and freshly-brewed Glengettie. When they called out for another drink, the waiter brought a tray.

    • Another cracking rib-tickling commentski there, Sir! Your explanation of your methods adopted to get to Two Eyes was another masterpiece! (Reminded me of genius Rube there, got it in nicely, Sir) Rounded ot off with aplomb, as well!
      Herbert has, and is still seemingly knocking and dropping things constantly… Ayup! Sudden silence, I don’t kow what you did mate, but thanks!
      Worthy you are of all those titles by the way!

      • It took me a while to find the misplaced slide rule, but worth the effort.

        “And why is it worth the effort, if one might ask, inquires Billum’s Alto?”
        “Because it’s difficult to find slide rules for sale at any local department stores or engineering-equipment shops within a thousand miles, replies Billum.”
        Horse collars are easier to obtain than slide rules.
        Actually, I could have searched Google for logarithm tables, or sought a virtual slide rule online.
        But I waffle…
        And I am going through my lab notes to see what I did to convert Herberts in Silences. Flip, flip, flip…faff, faff, faff… Aha, there it is…No it isn’t…flip, faff, flip, faff…

      • Had me laughiung out loud with this excellent waffle, Billum. I shal celebrate by getting metal micky, and rattle on the pipes under Herbert… Well, sod me… He’s stopped???
        Ah, it’ll be due to Prof. Billums ether actions.

      • I had to slap my forehead when it finally occurred to me that every single laboratory at, in, or under Crowell Manor is equipped with the least-needed ephemera: including slide rules. In fact, some of the labs have so many slide rules that we use them for wedging a door open, to use when unable to find a knife, fork, or spoon, as a universal pry bar, to open a tin provided with a tab, to hold the window open after burning too much sulphur…and of course…: for rattling the pipes under an Herbert.
        Now, I must return to writing my latest book:
        100 Uses for Slide Rules that Few Know or Understand or Want to Know or Want to Understand
        — by Billum the Fillum
        Book may also be used to prop doors and/or windows open. Or throwing at the ceiling during an Herbert Attack.

      • I had thought about looking up ephemera there Billum. I thought it was an ailment at first (Hehe!) Reading on it became clear.
        Over-simmering sulpher can clog your sulcations, always sulfurise safely… I think?
        That sounds a winning book title Sir!
        Would it do you think, bit underneath the £300, second-hand, decrepit, Haemorrhoid Harold-testing, sleep detering, nauseatingly beige-coloured, not-working, recliner wobbly front leg?
        Hahaha! Cheers for the larf!

      • I enjoy listening to short segments of radio programs, vignettes that do not fit a particular genre but that pique the interest. I would consider the things that both of us write as examples of ephemera. Here is one such instance that I quite enjoy:

        Cheers for everything that makes us larf. Larfs are indispensable.

      • They be so, Sire, true! A laugless life would be unbearable… I don’t know how Herbert does it.
        But the sound on the computer has joined the SD reader again, on strike. I’ll see what happens when I turn off to let it cool, and try again. Tsk!

      • It appears that Herbert produces every aspect of sound wave but a laugh, that is a sad state of affairs.
        A general strike at location 72. Items either disappear into thin air or they break, or both. I did not know that SD readers overheat. Perhaps that is because we do not have any SD readers at the manor, including at any of the labs. Of course, we have inventory apps that let us know the location, condition, and age of all our stuff and junk. No SDs to be found.
        Hoping that your SD is now as cool as a cucumber and twice as resilient. Tsk-resistant as well. 🙂

      • In time gone, when we had a social meeting every Wednesday in the old hut, Herbert would be there, glaring around and sneering, but I never saw him laugh, even when the ten other people at the table he would sit at, were in tucks! Sad!

        I fear I am near to exasperation this morning. Everything I tried to get the reader to be read, failed. I am hoping that in the morning, things may improve, thanks for your concern Sir.
        You handled the problems with your usual aplomb there, sneaking in some humour – I fank you!

      • Not laughing is one trait of a psychopath. Trump makes some strange expressions but he is not known for laughing. Herbert and Donald seem to share some peculiarities. A very odd thing to view ten people in tucks (the word of the month it appears) while a single person just sits there. But enough of that, eh?
        Hoping that the reader starts to work again. I am not at all good at mending mechanical or electronic things, including vacuum tubes, even though I like retro, analog devices from a long-gone era. Lisa is also not adept at such repair work, fortunately Alan is a genius at any level of scientific or engineering repairs.
        Thank you for granting me a certain amount of aplomb. Aplomb and humor make for some fun theater of the absurd, so I fank you for that, kind Sir!

      • I used to watch the hammerer at the socials. One day I thought, I’ll see him laugh… But no! Just the leery looks around the room and his sneers.
        Daned reader went this morning, now its back on strike again! Humph!
        Oh, how I wish Alan could look at my things. Hehe!
        I have the handiman skills of a pregnant kangaroo, with a broken leg.
        Well, must be off, the Carer is due… Carer… have you looked in the medical cabinet for the slide rule? Hahaha! Cheers!

      • Leery sneering Herberts are possibly the worst kind. Laughing is a sign of humanity, so don’t expect one anytime soon.
        I have the skills of a pregnant kangaroo with a broken leg *and* a broken left arm.
        At least the Carer need not search for my slide rule. It is presently on my night table, so I had best put it where it belongs before it disappears again. Having one in the medical cabinet is a good idea, Sir!
        Many cuddles from us!

      • I have the skills of a pregnant kangaroo with a broken leg *and* a broken left arm… Hehehe!
        Thanks for the cheer midear!

      • Did a dirty great reply to thisin you praise, but it didn’t get sent, internet down. Sorry.
        Great commentski, Sir.

      • I am glad to provide entertainment for you, Sir. Have I mentioned that one of my German students gave me his slide rule because I expressed an appreciation for those gadgets. My project o’ the day: find the slide rule. A good Monday to-do item.
        There are not many people who mention slide rules in daily conversation, so I try to make up for that. 🙂

      • Dang internet going down so often, may have some bearing on the situation… or not? Grrr! And Herbert has been a pain in the earholes… not now, only for about a six hour stint, today. Hopefully he’s been rushed to hospital with something painful. Like chronic earache? Hahaha! I shouldn’t say that really… Naughty Inchcock!

      • Herbert and Sir Fries work as a team to deliver the worst of all communication nightmares. They think much of themselves and nowt of anyone else — unless the owt else have something to offer that can be monetised.
        Not so naughty by my estimation!

      • News from the Hollywood Reporter Sir Billum: Liberty Global CEO Michael Fries’ 2020 Pay Falls to $44.9 Million.
        The head of John Malone’s international cable giant, which owns Virgin Media, earned $123.2 million in 2019.
        I cannot muster any sympathy.

Leave a Reply to Bill ZieglerCancel reply