INCHY: Ayup, your back again then, Alto? Not seen you for ages.

ALTO: How did you know I was here; I was in clandestine mode?

INCHY: I reckon that Doreen Dementia can detect yer; I certainly knew you were creeping about in my head…

ALTO: Rowlocks! I reckon it’s another Alto trying to sneak in…

INCHY: Whatever makes yer think that then?

ALTO: Well, I’ve been having troubles with Alto Control Room Monitoring Section, mate...

INCHY: Mate? Calling me yer mate? Summat serious, then I take it.

ALTO: Of yes, not-half Inchy. I slipped up a bit with not picking up on yer suicidal tendencies, and the ACRMS found out… some sneaking Alto had snitched on me…

INCHY: That’s not right… some foreign Alto snitching on my Alto! Can I complain about this?

ALTO: Why?

INCHY: Well, after three-score and ten and a bit of having you pestering and trying to make me miserable, these past few weeks, I’ve sort of missed you, and you are mine?

ALTO: That would have brought tears to my eyes if I’d got any!

INCHY: Don’t be sloppy; it doesn’t become you; where’s your sarcasm, nit-picking, foul language, insinuations, and determination to destroy any contentment I have gone?

ALTO: It’s a sad tale, my friend…

INCHY: Hang on then, I’ll make a brew of Thompsons Punjana tea and get back to yer… owd yer horses… I’ll be back…

ALTO: Thanks, Inchy… I appreciate that…

At this, Inchy hobbled off to his kitchen and made the brew described above, totally confused. Alto, thanking him, calling him a friend and mate? Not a single insult or put down uttered? This could be serious. What if the new Alto takes over? He could well be worse than Alto Inchie?

INCHY: I’m back, Alto-Inchie. Fair enough, we’ve had some set-to’s, barneys and verbal battles… Who is this invading Alto anyway, and why does he want to take over control of me?

ALTO: I’ll explain, mucker! This Senior level Alto failed in his mission on his last assignment, got the sack, and has gone rogue on the ACRMS. Being such an experienced Alto, they cannot reel him back into the fold, and for some reason, he’s chosen you as his next target?

INCHY: Who did he fail with?

ALTO: Ah, well, he was Alto-Putin…

INCHY: Putin! The Russian one?

ALTO: Yes, I’m afraid so!

INCHY: How did he fail with Putin? Good Gawd, he’s launched the attack on poor Ukraine, and…

ALTO: Yes, yes, but it’s been 133 days now, and he still hasn’t won the war, has he?


ALTO: You should read up on the ACRMS rules; I’ve sent them all to your brain to study! Rule 9920043847076/Putin/WorldWar-93939g954h, Failure to achieve the prime target within 130 earth days of the formulation; will result in the said Alto (Alto-Putin in this case) being relocated to a proletariat target.


ALTO: Anyway, I’ve got a hell of a fight on my hands with this Alto-Putin; he’s good; too good for me...

INCHY: Well?

ALTO: Only you can help me, my old pal?


ALTO: Simple, if you commit suicide from depression, which is my prime aim, we can beat Putin-Alto, and save the world; you’ll be dead but famous!

INCHY: Ah, so if I top myself…

ALTO: Yes… but it’s got to be through depression at all costs. Otherwise, I fail in my Prime-Mission, do you see? Then I will get extra powers in payment from the ACRMS, and I can use them to defeat Putin-Alto! Hari-Kari, whatever you want to call it, through chance-medley and/or depression is a must way to go, Inchy. The ACRMS will not accept death through execution, accident, euthanasia, or mercy killing!

INCHY: How are they going to know?

ALTO: I’ll know, but the proof will be needed. I’ve thought about this, and a suicide note should do the trick, my old chum, something along the lines of: “I can no longer cope with the confusions of Doreen Dementia, Peripheral Neuropathy Pete, Nigel’s Neurotransmitters Failing, Cataract Cathleen, Deaf Dominic and the hellish bad luck and problems are all beyond my capacity to understand, alleviate or solve. Anything of any value I leave behind is to be shared between all my relatives and friends. I leave contact numbers for all three, in the first-aid box, in the ambulatory oxygen tank racking.”

INCHY: Alto, do I detect a little sarcasm creeping into the conversation here?

ALTO: Hang on, I’m getting a message coming in from Alto-Putin...

INCHY: Alto-Putin?

ALTO: Yea… hang on… I’ll be back…

Inchy started to fret a bit while he waited… A sense of his being conned again was growing… rightly so!

ALTO: Hello?

INCHY: Well, what was that about, Alto?

ALTO: He just sent one question for me… You pathetic dummy!

INCHY: Eh? What?

ALTO: Alto-Putin said: “Did Inchy fall for it?” Hahaha!

Inchcock’s Make ’em Laugh Series

44 thoughts on “ALTO-INCHY RETURNS…

  1. That’s quite a comeback. Welcome back. WP is not letting me comment directly on you blog again. Stip WP.

  2. A fierce exchange where INCHY is outnumbered 2-1 by those variations (or are they COVID-19 variants? That might be the question). It is just like Putin’s ALTO to deceive and connive with the strength of two (2) devious, devilish, impish naysayers and auto-suggesters.
    Rule 9920043847076/Putin/WorldWar-93939g954h is a kick in the trousers, are it not?
    Rule 9920043847076/Putin/WorldWar-93939g954i is even worserer. Be yer aware to beware, Sir!
    Three days over the prime directive, who knew what would come next? Our hero, the prole. That is who!
    The plot thickens into a stew…woody, woody, woo!!

    • I enjoyed that commenteth Billum, brought a every-much-needed larf! Well deciphered, I expect the slide rule was used in your analysis?

      • Putin fits perfectly into Churchill’s famous descriptor:
        a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma.
        Russia is a strange place, and it’s been a RiddleMysteryEnigma for a very long time. However, I do find the Cyrillic alphabet interesting. Every once in a while, I return to learning Russian. Usually not for very long though. This compares with my becoming a rank beginner in Arabic, been trying to learn it for the last 20 years or so. Reading is more than half the struggle.
        As I have mentioned, slide rules are also good for stirring hot chocolate. But they are also handy for propping up the leg of a tipping table. So…they are good for three (3) purposes. Hahaha!!!

      • Churchill was not what people had been told.
        I recommend that you avoid trying Welsh, Billum. Tim Price has found the difficulties, and he too is a multi-linguistic personage.
        The slide rules are so handy, are they not, Sir? Would Glengettie get any advantage from being stirred with a slide rule?
        I may try one under the free-standing cabinet Billum; there’s an idea.
        I’m sorry I’ve not been able to get through to you. Hopefully, I can now. Thanks to you for your patients and Petal-Lisa for caring about all her troubles; that is appreciated. I spoke this morning with the family and reported that they all seem well and content – as long as I don’t forget the morning chinwagging. Warm thanks again, you pair of Angels!

      • I have seen Welsh, it is something straight out of the Celtic (I think), scaresome stuff on the road signs, is it not?
        When stirring a Glengettie with a slide rule, you can multiply the strength of the leaves. Conversely, you obtain a weaker cup when yer stirs with ‘tother side. A possible fib in there mayhaps? Shoving a slide rule under a free-standing cabinet works better than dried and tempered peas, particularly if you stack the peas one atop the other.
        Petal and I aim to alleviate problems via problem alleviation. Chinwagging with your immigrant crocheted family lifts their spirits as well.
        Please know that you are also an Angel!

      • Loved the slide rule stirrings, Billum.
        Stacking home dried peas on top of one another… Hehehe!
        Cheerski to all! ♥

      • Despite a dearth of evidence, I posit that more people use slide rules to stir their tea than those who stir with their eyeglasses.

      • Ah, that reminded me of something, Billum… darned if I know what, but in my distorted memory box, Stirring with eyeglasses lurked from long ago? Anyway, anoter revealing gem there. Hahaha!

      • I always enjoy the coincidences that we share, Gerry. The image of stirring with eyeglasses was something drawn from thin air as I tried to arrive at a true mash up. Apparently, that overlapped with your memory to occasion an actual occurrence. A revealing gem indeed. I shall now store my eyeglasses with the knives and forks!

      • Hahaha! It’d good to ome across such coincidences, Sir Billum. Take care you don’t put on your slide-rule in mistake for your glassed… Hehe!With the eye getting worserer quickerer, I have at least ten old pairs of spectacles I go through trying on to see which ones can give me help. I’ll have to get a photo of them done tomorrow. Sort of framing the frames in search of fame… I’m losing it again, but smiling at the same time. cheers, Billim.

      • Now *that* is one fine mash up. A dignified alternative to ordinary spectacles and a fine spectacle that would bring second looks. Who else would try such a stunt?
        Another commonality actually! I have at least ten old pairs of spectacles, four spectacles in sight of this computer. Each purchased at a dollar store for one dollar. So we have a long list of coincidences, matey!
        “…framing the frames in search of fame…” is an excellent way of expressing that, particularly when it brings a simultaneous smile. Cheer worthy indeed, Gerry.

      • WE do share an uncommonly numerous amout of similitudes, which is interesting. Upon my desk as I type, are… four paris, or even pairs, of spectacles, and a one of sunglasses. Hehe!
        May we never lose our laughter – it’s so valuable!
        Hopes for HRH Petal-Lisa, continued good Humira luck for the thineself, and felicitudes to the furries.

      • Quite a respectable few that pique the interest — as diverging points along a pair of timelines that coincidentally began in 1947, within the first half of another century.
        Laughter is an elixir, and far too rare everywhere.
        HRH Petal-Lisa has finally obtained a modicum of sleep from a deficit that extended over the last week. Fear of sleep is a dreadful thing.
        I am very slowly recovering from an expansive eczema on my arms and legs that doggedly resists a lotion designed to fight it, something that comes in a one-pound tub: Triamcinolone Acetonide Cream 0.1%.
        Hence, the need for laughter.
        Our best wishes to you in 72 and regards to the entire crocheted friends!

      • Gotten Himmel, anothe link, Billum! Well, the name is nearly the same. I just checked it is Acetodine I use on the leg ulcer. Can’t read what’s in it, so small it looks lke s series of dots on the leaflet. Hope things ease off mate.
        I’ve just passed on your message tp the family, Billum, I had to leave a note, cause they were all sleeping, didn’t want to disturb them.

      • I’ve no idea of how to pronounce such stuff, perhaps it is rendered in Welsh?
        Those labels may as well be written in Braille methinks.
        I should know more on Monday. Will let yer know, matey!
        The family likes to sleep through Sundays, a good idea. Did you write the note in Welsh?
        Wishing you (and the family) some good dreams!

      • I soon learnt to withdraw from my short sojourn into learning Welsh, Billum. Too difficult for me! Hehe! Even German beat me in the end, can you remember the Linguaphone Courses on records? That was my first venture into trying to grasp the lingo… with a view to trying to impress Grizelda when she visited – I did get a few laughs from her, when I tried it out, along with looks of pity. Hehehe!
        But Welsh beat me straight away, I knew there was no chance of me grasping that. Which, incidentally was taken up to impress a certain Gwendolin, from the Valleys, I dare not even try it out on her. Har-har!
        I’ve just passed on your wished to the family, they all look content this morning, I think that Piggy tried to say something, but didn’t catch waht he said, he had a smile on, though. Bestest wishes to HRH Petal-Lisa, Alan and the furries for me please. Cheers, Sir.

      • One of my best purchases was a library discard, 50 cents for a tome on The World’s Writing Systems. It covers a vast range of languages from ancient scripts forward, even discusses Klingon.
        Here is a literal translation of Welsh that I found on page 654:
        “was two friends once at thinking walking through wood remembered one of.them being the place famous for bears and said at his friend what happens if comes bear to.our meeting.”
        I much enjoyed your anecdotes on trying to learn Welsh, they inspire me to *not* even try it. I fank yer for that, Sir!
        Very glad to greet the family from their birthplace. I will bring their greetings to creator Lisa when she wakes up. HRH fought off sleep for two consecutive nights. I am thinking that she is dreaming of the family. Piggy might have been speaking Welsh, that would explain why you were not able to understand him. Hehe!!
        Cheers from the Manor, mate.

      • Well that settles it, I’m not going near the language, anymore… Mind you, Billum, if Piggy was conversing in Welsh; I supose I ought to try again… No, I’ll teach them English, English instead. They seem happy in your usage of Englishnesses I tell them about. Hahaha!
        Now the important bit: At last HRH gets some rest, that cheered me up, and your comment made me chuckle. I can ask no more.
        Bestest wishes from the flat in the sky, to all at The Manor Laboratories. ♥

      • The latest on HRH’s rest: it continues at 7:36 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Deep REM methinks, the best kind of sleep that Sweet Morpheus has in his command.
        English be it then. It’s what they learned here, so there.
        All 97 labs send you the very best!

      • Sweet Morpheus has my thanks! (About time, mind you). HRH resting… a great update,
        Billum, thanks.
        Good advice, stickign with what we know. Haha!
        TTFNski, thanks!

      • I am imaging us trying to carry out a conversation in Welsh and with no help from Google. So far, we are totally at a loss for words
        INCHY: …
        BILLUM: …

        Actually, you could not know fewer words than I.
        From an earlier question:
        I also listened to those phonograph German lessons…until the needle clogged with dust 🙂
        At 8:08 PM the HRH marathon sleep continues!

      • Hahaha! Still at a loss, apart from this place: Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch; A railway station name in full which was invented in the 1860s to give it the longest name of any railway station in Britain!
        It means ‘St Mary’s Church in the Hollow of the White Hazel near to the Rapid Whirlpool of Llantysilio of the Red Cave’. A collection of geographical and cultural features that are all found in the vicinity of the village. That’s all I know, and I needed Mr Google to spell it for me.
        Status Maintanined: INCHY:… Erm… BILLUM:.. Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch! Haha!
        I really tried to learn some Deutsch, but not having learnt much English at the time, it was difficult.
        GGGREAT NEWS! Thanks for the positive update, Sir! Brilliant! 💜

      • First to the update: Lisa has been awake about 15 minutes and is much refreshed. Of course she will be up all night but she already does that as a human owl.
        I wonder how close Welsh is to Celtic, its ancestral language.
        Your German is actually much better than most students I have ever instructed. Meaning that I was likely not the best teacher on the planet. Perhaps I am more like Commander Data, not a thing wrong with that.
        Many of my students discovered English grammar via German. English pretty much relies on word order, rather than having 16 strong endings for a noun and 12 week endings. It makes sense to 5-yer-olds somehow.

      • I hope that she can get a little sleep tonight, it would be good, as it is that HRH has had sime respite. I shall send ether sent wishes for an unexpected rest for Lisa tonight! ♥

        Wales is indeed a Celtic Nation, Billum.

        If they ever want an older version of Data for a series or film, I’d like to try acting, keeping his traits of old. I believe me amazement at humankind, would transfer to an automaton smoothly? Hehe!

        I’ll nip to the nursery when I want advice on the computer, mobile phone or language, I think Billum?

        Hello, an alarms just started somewhere, I shall investigate with the hearing aids in.


      • Well, I guess it is too much of a stretch to expect S. Morpheus to grant two consecutive sleepfuls, but the benefits of yesterday’s astonishing event made a difference on this Tuesday.
        I much enjoy reading Celtic mythologies, it is interesting to see the differences with the Nordic myths.
        Methinks you would make a convincing and worthy Data, the casting team failed there, but Spiner did a yeoman’s job in your place. Have you thought about applying for the role of mad scientist in a major motion picture?
        The nursery contains a brilliant font of knowledgeables, all the advice anyone could ask for. And they know how to access Google for the few things that those creations do not already know.
        Very glad that your hearing aids are working well, alarums are worth hearing now and then.
        A jolly TTFNski right back at yer, Sir!

      • I was getting carried away htere, Billum, sorry about that. But it would be grand for HRH ♥
        I’ll leve such rolls to Data. I would have thought you would be great as the mad professor, Billum? Slide rule in your belt, ever ready… Hehehe!
        he alrm is another mystery. Several people heard it, including Josie, and she if deaferer than I am. Mind you the doors… well door, and windows were wide open at the time. Malcolm, two doors away in our little trio lobby, thinks it was something from the fooftop waterworks, Sir.
        Just posted the blog Sir. Ode to the dream, and diary doneth.
        Esther called today, a cock-up with the food orders (my fault, guilty), and the Iceland order was terrible! No vegan burgers, and summat else, the vegan icecream was liquid! Damged packets, leaking jars, thee of the five bananas had been squashed and broken, Humph!
        I hope all are well at the Manor, Your Lordship? A lirrle coolerer today, but Thursday’s forecast is for 92°f!
        Esther sorted the trpusers and shirt put for me fopr the hospital on Frietag (is that spelt tight?). And hung some up for Tuesdays visit. I’m glad its getting closerer at last. Is you Humira still availabnle and helping a little, mate?
        Sweet dreams for all, I say!

      • Nothing is too good for HRH — those six words say it all
        I would enjoy being a mad scientist, the slide rule fits perfectly and the 97 Manor Labs are designed after 1950s science fiction films, so I would look out of place otherwise.
        The mystery alarm joins the hums as another conundrum. The rooftop waterworks are likely haunted.
        The deliverers that Lisa uses are nearly always in perfect order, if they are not then you are not charged. I hope this is something that Boris caused over there, trying to be optimistic is one of my character faults though. Hoping that someone with at least minimal qualifications becomes Prime Minister, but I would not bet too many fake farthings on that.
        92 degrees F is hitting many places over here that never see such numbers, global warming is genuine science, but we have a Supreme Court that tips to the Flat-Earth believers. Made possible by Mr. Trump’s three appointees. Unfortunately, they are also all young in age.
        Good luck with your medical procedures. I visited my dermatologist today, he took a biopsy sample to determine if it is the eczema that he suspects. Will see him in a week for the results and a couple medication options, and if Humira might not be the right choice.
        Lisa is sleeping right now, while the sun still has a couple more hours. May Sweet Morpheus deliver his product better than Iceland does!

      • I’d done no end of work in replying to this Billum, and it suddenly disappeared? Humph! (I got a message asking me where to send this link to???) and your comment was no longer on the list? So I clicked on Comments, and it was here, so hopefully, the others… I’m all confused now. I’ll try starting again, Gerumph! Thanks for the humour in the commentski. As a youngster, as we all were once… but better not go into that, Dad would not believe me when I told him of my dreams and started writing them down. He still didn’t trust me. You comment has disappeared again, so I’ll continue and reply to both, Sir. But I can’t remember all you said of course. Thanks to HRH Petal-Lisa’s inclusional emotion chios, they work wonders. Now to this reply: No, it’s back on again?
        Loved Boris and Red-Wig getting into things. Clever getting the flat-earthers in there as well, are they serious?
        Thanks for the good wishes, operation mark one on Friday, mark two on Monday.
        I had considered setting up a SPAS, Scab-Pickers Appreciation Society. Yet another connection there, Sir?
        Carer Richard ‘The Cougher’, continues to cough. I mentioned, “I hope its not Covid!” He was taken aback and said “No… It’s not covid!” We had a little natter and I gave him the iced drink and can of G&T pink with the nibbles and as he departed, he put on a big white mask for his next call? Most of the chinwagging was Richard having to convince me it was not Thursday, but Wednesday. I’d started to get the things ready for the hospital. Hehehe!
        I hope the test results show things are treatable, Billum. Another link there, we are both, well the three of us, are in the midst of Medicalisationalisticals? Hahaha!.
        HRH Sleeping… such sweet words! ♥

      • The Case of the Missing Comment, one for Perry the Mason by Erle Stanley the Gardner. 🙂
        A curious disappearing act at 10 Downing, I am supporting Larry.
        The SPAS boast a large membership, I dredged a scab on my face this morning and did not know it until glancing at a streak of red on the back of my right hand. Every day is Halloween for the SPAS. Haha!!
        Richard the Cougher has suffered that cough for a long time, much longer than the duration of most COVID victims.
        Thursday is a close neighbor of Wednesday, from the Norse myths? They may even be twins. And it’s never to early to pack for the hospital.
        Medicalisationalisticals — a grand trio of Medicateer peers. Ready-made for a T-shirt.
        Meanwhile, Lisa is fighting sleep with all her might, and that is a lot of might, Sir!

      • I’m wondering about the missing comment… mayhaps was Doreen Dementia inspired? Haha!
        Dredging a scab… I thought for a moment then I was reading my own blog. Hehehe!
        So many things we share.
        I enjoyed that Billum.
        Is your (our) Lisa fighting against SM? Oh, dear. ♥

      • An All Points Bulletin is justified.
        Hahaha, indeed. The thought that you may have been reading your own blog demonstrates that I doing a good job, the list of things we share is yet longer!
        Lisa put up a good fight, SM has his work cut out for him at the manor, do he not? However, SM finally succeeded a few hours ago. ♥

      • And proud I am to have so many links with your estimable self, Sir Billum, The Manor Lobahorities Instigator and creator!
        Thank heavens SM relented! ♥

      • Ah, that reminded me of something, Billum… darned if I know what, but in my distorted memory box, Stirring with eyeglasses lurked from long ago? Anyway, another revealing gem there. Hahaha!

    • Hahaha! I thought I’d replied to this one, Billum? Vut it usually, or used to say ‘You have rplied to this Comment’. Confused again…

      • I need to place Post-it Notes® along the top right-hand side of the computer monitor to let me know if I had already replied to a comment or reply. Haha!!

      • Which reminds me of this mornings cock-up – you & Petal-Lisa might like this I think: I got the Thompsons Punjana tea bg into the mug, and had to nip hastily off to the Porcelain Throne. A long job. Washed and back to the kitchen, and made another brew of Glengettie, with the first brew in plain sight! Back to the Throne again… Washed and got the computer on while both mugs of tea got cold. Tsk!

      • A fun run to the Throne while trying to balance that activity with the brewing of two cuppas. Time and temperature gang up to foil your intentions at every hasty step. There are more things in heaven and earth, Inchy, than are dreamt of in your experiences…to very badly bowdlerize the Bard.

  3. I, too am here Dear! Take the antidepressants kind sir! You deserve some relief! We are real fighters, we three! Mind over matter!

    • Stirred me those few words, Lisa-Petal.
      The Porcelain Throne sessions still splatter…
      I’m as mad as a hatter,
      I’m growing ever-fatter…
      Mind over matter! ♥

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