Chinwag With Alto-Ego Inchie!

Confounding Confusionableitis!

Time for a proper chinwag with Alto-Ego Inchie. Who I consider as much a mental ailment like all the other medical ones. I am determined to free myself of his persistent, nagging interference in my thoughts. His mission it seems to me is to make me feel guilty, inadequate, inconsequential, ineffective, and insignificant.

Which he has in fact already successfully achieved.

Although, possible beyond the understanding of anyone normal mortal, and maybe anyone who does not have a cruel, Alto-Ego, nagging away, analysing, mocking and criticising your every decision, and choice, one makes or decides on.

This natter took place last night as I lay in bed, with the notepad near to hand, and took place in several episodes! Sleep was certainly not an option for me…

Inchcock Opens The Chinwag Session:

Inchcock: I can sense your sneering and contempt Inchie, and I have to say you are a bane!
Inchie: Huh! Do yer fink I like being stuck in your brain!

Inchcock: Then go away, stop giving me mental pain!
Inchie: What the hell do think it’s like in here? In your dithering, feckless, vacillant thought-filled indecisive brain?

Inchcock: That’s it, go on, put me down, mock again…
Inchie: From human contact, you should refrain…

Inchcock: You said that when we last spoke, now again?
Inchie: Oh, a comeback from Inchcock, I’ve heard better insults from solid lepidomelane!

Inchcock: Erm… lepidomelane? Wot’s that then? Explain!
Inchie: When you read fings, facts you should retain!
Inchcock: Did I read about lepidomelane?
Inchie: Yer! In 1963, yer pea brain!
Inchcock: I’ve got Vascular Dementia, mental pain…
Inchie: Oh shurrup! Abarght time yer took yer Novocain?
Inchcock: You’ve changed the topic, confused me, yer know that makes me go brain-lame!
Inchie: Course I do, you pillock, I’ve had enough of this game…
Inchcock: What games that’s then, are you on cocaine?
Inchie: Yer coming owt with the insults tonight Inchcock! Enough! This topic’s getting too urbane…
Alright, I’ll piss off then!

Inchcock almost nodded off, when Inchie Returned!

Inchie: Hey-up, I’m calling back in defiance!
Inchcock: Why? Have no cognisance!
Inchie: Thought I might catch you on the loo, by chance…
Inchcock: You ‘horrible scumball! You no allegiance?
Inchie: Allegiance? Any idea wot that means?
Inchcock: I learnt that when in my teens!
Inchie: Huh! Gonna give me more gibberish?
Inchcock: Well, thanks for your pertinent attendance…
Inchie: Eh? Playing tricks? Do you mean good riddance?
Inchcock: Well, yes, I do, I’ve had enough of your cruel words!
Inchie: Wot, me? You’re the one spouting insulting words…
Inchcock: Am I? I was just making some lemon curds…
Inchie: What out off… Turds?

Inchcock ignored the Alta-Ego – With Difficulty Mind

He mellowed a little, and went deep in thought, until Inchie returned, and was ready to mislead the interloper…

Inchie: Wotsup, dogbreath? Pissed-off again, blockhead?
Inchcock: Oddly I thought that is what would be said…
Inchie: What’s yer game, that was said well mannered?
Inchcock: It’s up to us both, kill this mutual arguing, time to get together, and start apologising… not endangered!
Inchie: What? Am I being outmanoeuvred?
Inchcock: No mate! My wish is for you to get scunnered!
Inchie: You mean like, we get together and schnockered?
Inchcock: That’s it, we can have our relationship bettered!
Inchie: Summat wrong ‘ere… you and me, get stonkered?
Inchcock: Yea… let our animosity be withered!
Inchie: Why? you dare not… your lily-livered!

Inchcock: Hahaha! Such a poetic turn of phrase!
Inchie: Well, I’m not used to giving praise…
Inchcock: Oh, it’s easy, ns so many ways…
Inchie: Worra yer mean?
Inchcock: We could take time out, play the Steinways…
Inchie: Yer…
Inchcock: Go on holiday, as stowaways?
Inchie: Oh…
Inchcock: Have a drink, see where our hands stray…
Inchie: Hang on, are you after me body?
Inchcock: No, you haven’t got one, although you can have some control over mine, anyway ♥,
Inchie: Not ‘aving that… but then I couldn’t… could I?
Inchcock: not sure, but I’d risk it if you will. I’m free on Wednesday?
Inchie: Erm… I’m not used to this, who’s gonna pay?
Inchcock: You pay in enjoyment, we both can on the day?
Inchie: Hey, hey, hey… Could we just stop arguing, and have a laze?
Inchcock: Certainly, and we could have a few hoorays?
Inchie: I feel my emotions coming ablaze…
Inchcock: I could bring some bottles… Chardonnays?
Inchie: Surely it can’t be done? No ways!
Inchcock: You Pratt! You’re only in my mind! Best then if we return to our mental, non-verbal affrays!

 –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –

Inchcock was arrested and rushed to the Psychiatric Hospital by paramedics, after being caught making rigorous love to his non-existent Alto Ego Inchie, in the balcony of his flat this evening.

The Doctor told the Inchcock Today reporter: “We managed to stop his weeing with excitement, and finally convinced him was not having sex for the first time in his life. He is currently being treated for Psychotic Manic Depression.

Luckily the Doctor on duty had treated Mr Inchcock several times before over the years and had a straight jacket to hand.

Inchcock is expected to be released in a few years, providing he doesn’t kick the bucket earlier! (He’s getting on a bit)

Part of the Inchcock Make ‘Em Laugh Series

Newly Identified Medical Sydromes

Newly Identified Syndromes

Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome

aa03MSSymptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect.

Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections.

Area’s most affected: The North – Midlands.

Named Disease: Spooninthegobatbirthness Syndrome

Osb07Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude develops that cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially.

Most at Risk: Royalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable George Osborne MP (Conservative)

Area’s most affectedThe rich 10% of the population.

Named DiseaseA.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia) Syndrome

aa03MS2Symptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else. A.A.D. syndrome is often claimed by alcoholics and West Ham fans for their failure.

Most at RiskThose under the age of eight, and more mature liars.

Area’s most affected: Nursery schools, MOT stations, 

Named DiseaseMonetary Cystitis (M.C.) Syndrome

aa03MS3Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you, forcing the sufferer to short change and overcharge whenever possible. Also builds an inbred hatred of Bank Managers, Loan companies and Old Age Pensioners.

Most at Risk: Pensioners, Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, George Osborne, Claret Appreciation Group members and Taxi Drivers.

Area’s most affectedNationwide.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia  (H.A.) Syndrome

aa03MS4Symptoms: A sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, Car Mechanics, David Cameron, Nigel Farage, Haliburton and other nepotistic clans.

One person definitely not suffering from this Syndrome is UKIP’s Nigel Farage. Campaigning in a seat where Labour “should weigh the vote”, Mr Farage said that his party is “taking big numbers” of Labour supporters making Thursday’s result “very very tight”. And with young and older voters both warming to his message on immigration and borders control, Mr Farage revealed that he had new evidence that the Labour vote across the country is collapsing because of the Corbyn effect. He produced polling evidence by former Labour leader Ed Miliband’s ex-adviser Ian Warren which he said showed 50 per cent of those who voted Labour in the humiliating general election defeat in May will desert the party. Humph!

Most at RiskEveryone not connected with the above.

Area’s most affectedAnywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, these are scarce.

Named DiseaseCompassion Deficiency Anaemia (C.D.A.) Syndrome

aa03MS5Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else.

Most at Risk: Most predominant in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likely to be found anywhere.

Area’s most affectedVirtually throughout the world.

Named DiseaseCacospysy Syndrome (C.S.)

aa03MS6Symptoms:  Irregular pulse, concern and worry that the government will find your stash of undeclared earnings from illegal practices of varying secretly ran companies. Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.

Most at Risk: The poor and the dodgy types.

Area’s most affected: All of the UK and FIFA representatives.

Named DiseaseE.D.D. Early Decrepitude disease

aa03MS7Symptoms: Sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer, and you are one of the poorer. Urges to dress up in fancy dress and join WordPress might affect them. Memory loss and bodily function controls are common amongst these syndrome sufferers.

Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.

Area’s most affected: Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems. In the event of your becoming disinterested in money and valuable items, Danny Soz (19¾) can be contacted for help. You could consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician. But best not to worry… your Doomed. Most E.E.D. sufferers end up not knowing the difference between the syndromes anyway, then read up on them and forget they did.

Inchcock Shows Signs of Contentment – Investigation to follow…

Unheard of Inchcock Symptoms Disclosed!

Medical experts and fellow bloggers today found out that Inchcock was showing signs of Contentment this morning.

A stand-by rapid response team was despatched to his flat on the 12th floor in Nottingham post haste. Led by Duncan Robertson head of the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Union.


Gary Hoadley delayed by unforeseen circumstances

Unfortunately the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Union’s Riot Controller Gaz Hoadley (22) could not respond with the team due to his return home from his holiday in New York being delayed by unforeseen circumstances.


The Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists Members preparing to go into battle to save Inchcock by adorning protective equipment.

The team, all worried about Inchcock’s attack of Contentment were soon on the scene.

Inchcock Gazette reporter Kentucky Angel interviewed Duncan as the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists were preparing themselves to enter Inchcock’s premises: She asked him why it was taking so long to gain entry?

“There are so many dangers in their Angel. Many unknown to those not within the bloggers circle – we must protect ourselves from diseases not commonly encountered and obstacles within the premises, I know I been in there! also to avoid catching anything ourselves…”

“What do you mean?”


Inchcock’s Grabbers – A Danger!

Well we have make sure me know where his walking stick and three grabbers are located to avoid falling over them you see.

Also we must know where his medications, and used pads, bandages and elastica are stored.

And, we are sure of his current condition you see… if he’s come back to his usual depressed, moronic, not knowing what’s going on condition there will be no worries or need for us to offer assistance – but if he’s still on a high and showing signs of fitness, healthiness or happiness then we are in trouble and may lose him altogether I’m afraid. His metabolism and brain are just not used to contentment or optimism, I’m sure he could not cope with any of these emotions unless of course they are drug induced..”

At this Duncan passed the supply of DDT to Rachel Carerra (18¼) the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists Accountant & Massage Specialist she quoted; “This could be dangerous, but Inchcock by being the crappiest, worst pathetic blogger of all time in a round about way supports and improves the standing of all of our members and other satirists you see. So we’d sooner he didn’t snuff it yet, until we find someone as bad as him to take over the mantle – and of course he still owes £20,450.26 to our bookkeeper and vehicle acquirement officer Danny Soz (19¾) who is here with as much if not more concern for the lad Inchcock (79).”


Shirley Blamey & Mike Steedenski were requisitioning essential supplies for the squad

At this Danny Soz chipped in: “I care about the imbecile more than most do. And what would Lidl and the NHS do without him?” He rolled a Golden Virginia fag in a an MOT certificate and continued: “His fading with age short-term memory has been a boost the to Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionist’s bank balance. The missus would surely miss him if he has another heart attack trying to cope with the excitement any unnatural to him feeling of contentment, enthusiasm, fulfilment or pleasure… we stop this at all costs, especially the costs to my bank balance…” At this he coughed on his roll-up, took a swig from his absinthe flask and asked where the hell was Shirley Blamey (Not saying, Social Events Secretary) and Mike Steedenski (24 Health advisor) anyway? Do they not care about fellow blogger Inchcock? (Fellow members of the  Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists) Rachel Carerra explained that both of them were commandeering essential supplies for the  Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists squad, and she was concerned for his safety.

She then questioned the absence of the  Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionist’s (Music Director and Supermom Marissa Bergen 16½,)


Marissa, delayed a the bar in the airport in Newcastle

It transpired that she was last seen at Newcastle airport. However they did receive a message from the Northumbria Police that he had been released on bail and her methadone had been returned to her.

We understand that the Prime Minister has been informed along with Interpol and the NHS Psychiatric Unit. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has since contacted Minister of Works & Pensions Ian Duncan Smith to see if anything could be done about avoiding the news of this Inchcock phenomenon getting out onto the web.

AndyBreaking News:

Just in from the Nottingham Perverts Monthly.

Inchcock was seen this evening outside of a ladies shop ogling at the headless models in the window. In the rain, looking miserable and with odd socks on.

So, all back to normal then?

Well… Thank heavens for that!

Marissa’s Barmy Blogger Band caught practising new routine!

Marissa’s Barmy Blogger Band


Marissa’s Part-Time Barmy Blogger band were caught going through their new routine yesterday at the Sewer Lane Studios in the Carshalton Medical Practice.

Tom Brake Lib-dem MP for Carshalton and Wallington welcomed the initiated as yet Band formed and managed part-time by Marissa Bergen, previously the Executive Assistant to Sid Rotten, and now Rock-n-Roll Supermom from Burbank California, with a plaque in remembrance of Nick Clegg.

He suggested to Marissa and the band that perhaps they could play some old Jim Reeves numbers at the upcoming do at the Carshalton Methodist church near the park.

The band members then moved on to a free luncheon laid on for the by the Council at the local KFC branch.

Shirley Blamey (Vocals), Rachel Carerra (Dancer), Danny Soz (19¾’s Trombonist), Duncan Robertson (Guitar and Bagpipes), Mike Steedenski (Various blowable instruments), Inchcock Chambers (71¼ years old, Percussion and string-less violin) went along with Marissa for the free meal.

Unfortunately Gary Hoadley (24½ Retired Kray’s body guard and dancer vocalist) had to miss the meal when 11 police officers arrested him for belting the living daylights out of Tim Brake earlier for suggesting the group put old Jim Reeves numbers in the line-up. He joined them later after bursting out of the black maria on Ruskin Street.

After the meal they all went The Hope pub on West Street for the night.

Damages came to £15000, and the début of Marrisa’s Blogger Band is now in question.

The band are currently in the Metropolitan Police Station on Carshalton Road.


More news to follow as soon as groups publicity agent Mike Steedenski has finished off his claret, well a little while after then…

Marissa’s New Band ready to hit the stage…

Possibly the most original band for a decade!


Bloggers, Shirley Blamey’s Bongos, Marissa’s own Guitar, Rachel’s flute, Gill’s famous Maracas, Duncan’s Cello, Mike Steedenski’s Balalaika, Danny Soz’s Trumpet, and Inchcock’s Triangle combine to create musical blending opportunities never seen or heard before.

They are currently considering which type of music best for them to offer the public – they are also considering what name they should use for the band. They considered calling it ‘The Brilliant Bouncing Bloggers’.

Invitations for suggestions for both are welcomed, with a prize possibly, maybe, might, could be offered for the best ideas received.

aa03MSaProduced in the support of the Blindly Inane Bloggers Support Charity

Chairman Danny Soz (19¾ year old)

The End is Nigh!

As prophesied by Bagdemagus Chambers in his in 1866 diary wot he wrote in Nottingham back in 1898 like! 

AmorrisAngiBagdemagus, a Londoner from Abergavenny, who moved to Nottingham in 1844 at the age of 89 joined the Sewer Lane Monastery as an apprentice Monk.

He’s been invited by his old adversary and neighbour Duncaneth Robertson to join him in praising the Lord and doing his work.

Leaving his beloved family was hard for him. But he asked the local Parish harlot Wilhelmina Groatseeker Chambers to tend his rottweilers and goats while he was away. They haggled over the price of her doing this for Bagdemagus and settled on his paying a wheelbarrow-full of turnips and a promise to spread the word of her services throughout the land. She seemed happy with this, gave him freebie and accepted the payment.

Bagdemagus set off and three years later he arrived at the settlement of what was then called Snottingham.

When he arrived at the Felly Monastery, he was greeted by Brother Duncaneth.

Asda3Who wasted no time on informing Bagdemagus of all the fiddles cons and where the Monastic Wines was made and stored.

Fodder was given to him, a newly hewn uniform and he thought it remarkable that he had to pay no rent either!

After a while it was decided that Bagdemagus would be trained as the Monastery scribe.

Soon he was hard at work writing the history of the place, with the help of Duncaneth who’d thought it a good idea to copy this a avote03few times in the hope of educating the local population by selling them some copies at 2 groats a bash. He also got him to put down a few predictions for the future like, make em sell better that would he thought.

This kept Bagdemagus very busy.

However at weekends, when the bottling took place of the Holy Wines, they both found time to help out the other Monks with the arduous task of testing them.


Duncaneth on his Cello in the winery, Bagdemagus well and truly blotto! 

Duncaneth would play his Cello in the basement as they grafted away testing the wines.

One day, Bagdemagus was sent into the town to collect some more bottles for the wineries.

He stopped off at a hamlet with the name of Carrington, and called into the hostelry known as The Fawcett Inn. Where due to his intoxicated state, he left his diary with all it’s forecasts and premonitions in the cellar, when aa04alienhe fell through the rap door.

When he returned to the monastery and Duncaneth found out Bagdemagus had lost all his plans for profitisation from his copyright scheme, he became annoyed. He poured Bagdemagus a drink, and reached for the grape-crusher.  

aa03GzBagdemagus didn’t finish his meal.

Nothing more was recorded or heard of again of Bagdemagus.

That is until 136 years later – when one of the worlds most amazing coincidences took place.

A relative of Bagdemagus, who did’t know he had any, Inchcock he was named, was born to the Abergavenny harlot.

Inchcock was thrown out of the hovel-home at the age of 11. His writing skills was made use of as he sold crap poems and odes and raised enough money to get a train to Nottingham, hoping he could find out about his father Bagdemagus.

He couldn’t.

But through hard work he eventually found a dilapidated house in Carrington of all places to buy.

On his first trip down the cellar, low and behold he found his fathers diaries wrapped in a loincloth with his pipe and baccy.

He read the forecast as written by Bagdemagus all those years ago.

“There be horror and pestilence brought about by those claiming to be false Gods in the year of 2015.”

“The leaders of the country will be hard on the poor, and suckle up to the rich.”

“Twill be on the 5th of November that year that the human emotions brought on by the uncivilised attitude and unfair nature of the haves and the have-nots that suddenly the have-nots have nothing to fear about rising in riotous rebellion, for there will be far more of the have-nots, and they will raise hell in their desire for revenge upon the chosen few. Not caring for their own lives any-more, just seeking retribution on the greedy wealthy expense fiddling leadership, one with the odd name of Gideon – as welluth we all know, meaning The Feller, Hacker or Hewer in Hebrew”.

“There will be no Christian or other God to calm them, for Christianity will have been lost in the desire and greed for materialistic things!”

Well, thought Inchcock, I could inform the Daily Mail, but I want more than a dozen people to read about this, I know I’ll post it on WordPress & Facebook!

Thus Inchcock did so.

Wouldn’t it be surprising if Bagdemagus turns out right? Hehehe!

Eccentric Duncan helps, trains, and supports Inchcock

Charity Worker Duncan Robertson Trains Inchcock

Duncan, being the charitable caring person he is, soon picked up on, as he read the pathetic blog diary Inchcock Today the obvious problems that Inchy was having and his failings causing them.


He had a talk with three woof-woofs, Old Rab, Susie and Spice and they all agreed that the decrepit Inchy really needed help and guidance and thought Duncan was the man to give this support and encouragement.

To prove his benevolent humanitarian nature, he even decided not to charge any VAT on his bill for the service, and thought it best not to mention the charge to Inchy until after the treatment was over, so as not to worry him like.

He’d already told Inchy on his previous visit to him, about his Schizophrenia and to expect him to appear wearing different clothing. Inchy just said he’s read about the Amsterdam airport and could see no problem, but looked a little confused.

Ode01As Duncan set off, he thought it best if he removed his L plates so as not to worry Inchy.

He set his Sat-Nav up for Nottingham and within an hour found himself approaching Alton Towers and knew something had gone wrong with the Sat-Nav possibly?

Q02He pulled up and took off his jumper as he was sweating a bit about getting lost

After an hour or so he woke up.

The Sat-Nav got him into Nottingham and to Inchcock’s block of flats without further bother.

He found Inchy outside his flats Q03making a phone call as his mobile came to life.

Dunc changed into his Batman outfit and met with Inchy and they went to his flat and had a natter and a cup of char.

He asked Inchy if he’d mind wearing an outfit that he’s hired for him and he agreed.

Duncan mentioned that he’d been to the Woodthorpe Park many any years ago and remembered it well, because he had dropped and lost a threepenny bit there in a croft in 1968 and would he mind going out with him to see if they could find it?

NP01bSo when Inchy agreed, Dunc got his sign that he’d made out of one of his bags, and they set off into the woods.

Where Duncan said a few words in remembrance of the threepenny bit and laid a plaque.

Inchy liked the outfit that Dunc had supplied for him and was a tad peeved when Dunc told him he had another one for him to change into.

OAP01They went back to the flat and Duncan started his training session with Inchy.

Soon Inchy had learned how to visit the porcelain without giving himself shower at the same time and learnt what the roll of paper in there was for.

NP01bMarissaThey changed outfits again and set off on a walk so Inchy could get some tips about walking without talking – because this has been a problem for others as he usually poddles along muttering away to his-self.

He was soon cured of this habit when Dunc clouted him across his head with his Bat-glove each time he started waffling.

Inchy changed clothes and they went to the local supermarket where Duncan hoped to train Inchy not to spend too much money and buy thing he didn’t need!

When Dunc saw him putting two bottles of Virgin Extra oil in his basket he inquired why he had done so.

Q04Inchy replied: “They’re on offer, a pound off if I buy two of em!”

The Bat-glove was utilised again, with a venomous right hook following the initial slap across his mush.

They returned to Inchies flat, and Dunc brought up the matter of his fee, Q07demanding that it is paid straight away or he would take goods to the value from the flat.

Although, if he took everything it wouldn’t add up to total of his bill presented to Inchy!

They tried to work out a weekly payment but Dunc wasn’t happy at that at all.

Inchy got his calculator out and decided it would take him ten years to pay at the weekly rate suggested, taking into account the interest as well like. He pointed out to Dunc that he would probably not live to 81 years of age and he wouldn’t get the dosh then would you?

GCnailsDunc softened a touch, and gave Inchy his last costume to put on while he thought over the proposition for payment.

Duncan enjoyed fitting it for him and asked if he could think of any other way to pay the bill.

“Ah… yes…” cried Inchy, “I have an American friend coming to see me next month, and the friend is a police officer of sorts in the States! Let me show you a photograph and you can meet up and sort out me payment!”

Q06That shook Duncan up!

He wanted no truck nor bother with this gal!

So he decided to leave it up to whatever she decided when she came to visit Inchy and he’s agree to it.

Now, this tale is a load of baloney and just fun, but I’d like to report a serious little item here about Duncan Robertson…

Seren1aHe is now a grandfather again!

How such a beautiful Angel as Seren came from Duncan’s loins is amazing!

Nice one Dunc – well done, gawd yer must be so proud – and rightly so too!

No Politicians, Pavement Cyclists, Traffic Wardens or Jobs-worths were harmed in the creation of is post.