Inchcock Today: Monday 27th Febuary 2017


Monday 27th February 2017

Icelandic – Mánudagur 27. febrúar 2017

Didn’t nod off until well gone midnight again, woke with a start around 0200hrs in urgent need to utilise the porcelain, scrambled out of the £300 second-hand rickety recliner chair and made it to the throne, and amazingly the trots were replaced with rock cement! How one can go from eight hours of the trots to the opposite so quickly I have no idea. Tsk!

While waiting for the action, bits of the dream I’d been having came to mind. The muddy fields were there again, but other people were with me and instructing me how to get out of a muddy crater they had thrown me into, each time I got out they told my I’d done it wrong and lobbed me back in to get it right?

Up properly at 0400hrs. I rubbed some pain-gel in the knees and made a cuppa, carried out the health checks and made a nice cuppa as I got the computer going, then took the medications.

I’d got messages in reply to yesterday’s diary from Duncan and Tim, both helping me with the Excel Health spreadsheet formatting on how to add different cells together and divide them into an average. Tried it and it worked! Many thanks, lads, cheered me up a bit this did.

Then, the stomach started rumbling and I had a dizzy at the same time, this confused me a bit. Don’t want any physical bother today with all the jobs I’ve got to do. Got to go to a new bank to sort out the fiscal difficulties, the Dentist to check on the appointment day and time… checked in the Google calendar, now I’ve found out how to access it in G Suite. Sad innit, Hehe?

Core blimus, so much to get done, I bet I’ll be catching up still on Tuesday.

The weather forecast on the web looked not too nice.

I carried out the ablutions, shave, teggies shower etc, medicated the areas in with a requirement of the same (Hehe!).

Sorted the waste bins out, bagged them and took them disposed of them down the rubbish chute.

Got my list of jobs wanting to be done, wrapped myself up and got as far as the lifts when I realised I had the wrong glasses on. Back to the flat and changed them.

Out again and got as far again, when I realised I had not taken the bank details, so back once again and collected them.

Outside and walked to the glass recycle bin with the bottles and jars. Then to the Winwood Centre Shed to try and talk with Warden Deans about the TV Licence letter and advice on the Bank problems. She was helping a resident so I sat waiting and had a go at the crossword book. OBegruppenfureress Julie came in and asked “What do you want? Come on hurry up I’m busy…” I showed her the TV Licence letter, she said forget it. Told her about the banking problems, she said for me to go to the Co-op Bank and ask them – the Deana was temporarily free, although waiting on the phone for someone and said no need to go to the bank and I was to let her know if and when I get any TV licence money rebate.

Community Shed

Then to the Winwood Centre Shed to try and talk with Warden Deans about the TV Licence letter and advice on the Bank problems. She was helping a resident so I sat waiting and had a go at the crossword book.


Obegruppenfureress Julie came in and asked “What do you want? Come on hurry up I’m busy…” I showed her the TV Licence letter, she said forget it. Told her about the banking problems, she said for me to go to the Co-op Bank and ask them – then Deana became temporarily free, although waiting on the phone for someone and said no need to go to the bank and I was to let her know if and when I get any TV licence money rebate. Confused again… Hehe!

This is the route and calls/stops made on my morning hobble:

I got some nice Polish bread and belly pork with peppers from the Continental Food Shop. Then to the Bank across the road and asked the cashier if I could talk with someone about moving all my cash and accounts to their bank. She disappeared a few moments and returned telling me to take a seat. I met a lady tenant of the flats and as we nattered a chap appeared, shook my hand and with pound-signs spinning and twinkling in his eyes, led me into a little room for a talk. After asking me to bring in my current UK driving Licence and Passport, and my telling him I own neither nowadays, he was not put-out, and asked me to bring a current Council Tax Bill and a State Pension Letter that gives details of the pension for this year. He arranged the meeting for this Thursday at 1000hrs. He said he would show me their internet banking and how to use it and get things sorted with me, it should, he say’s take only 2 and half hours to arrange, then, seven complete days later it should all be in place up and running. I felt the chap looked and sounded like a used car salesman, bless him.

Out of the bank (Confused a tad), and up to the Post Office and asked them if they could read the senders name and address on a package I wish to send something back to in return, they could not.

I left there and crossed over the road and called in the Co-op store and got some Pork & Liver Pate, Shortcake biscuits, tomatoes and apples.

Up the hill to the Dentists to confirm the date of my next appointment. The young rather attractive lady on the reception printed it out for me Wednesday 8th March 2017 09:00hrs. A different dentist this time, Dr Vitish Patel. (When I got back later I Googled the name and got: About 82,900,000 results [0.79 seconds])

As I came out to continue up and over the Mansfield Road hill to go through Woodthorpe Park back to the flats, an elderly lady had taken a tumble at the bus stop. Already several people tending to her thankfully. I felt so sorry for her.

At least I’d got some things that needed doing started today, and felt a little lifted in spirits and less frustrated with life now.

Turned right and up the footpath towards the turn off to the flats. So many dogs walking their owners about today, I spent a while watching them.

As I went right to go down the gravel footpath to the flats, I took a photographicalisation of my favourite little copse with the blocks of flats in the background. The grass was thickening I think a little.

Looking forward so much to when it gets overgrown and full of plant life and animal life for me to walk through and hope to see.

As I hobbled down the pathway, Anne Gyna started to give me some hassle along with Roger Reflux and Arthur Itis, they all seemed to start off at the same time after all being so kind to me earlier. Humph! This put an end to my plans to go out again and get more jobs done today! Shame!

Got in and gave Olive a ring, I hope she is alright she sounded it and said she was feeling better… but she didn’t tell me off about anything. Hehehe!

Cleaned the kitchen floor, then onto the Computer to update this twaddle.

Pondered on what to have for nosh, def the pate and pork

Made the salad and took a photograph of it without the card in the camera. Tsk!

Carried out a messy search for the items needed for the bank on Thursday, I think I have them all now.

Feeling drained now, but in better spirits, I settled to watch some DVD then TV.

I lasted about an hour or so before nodding off into a dream filled sleep.

Inchcock: His Guide for your new Wet-Room usage for the elderly

Now a dynamic 71-year-old veteran of his new Wet-Room for over eight weeks, Inchcock offers guides, tips and advice, aimed at any Nottingham City Homes Independent Living tenants dwelling in any of their excellent flats, from his own experience. Please be aware before reading further: This article may cause concern, fretting, shock, disbelieve and an apprehensive condition to any readers of a sensitive nature or who play Bingo.

Your bathroom will be turned into a spacious looking WetRoom for you, by the wonderful Nottingham City Homes maintenance team, above are the results from Inchies.

Be aware, they will tell you, you’ll have to manage for three or four days while the work takes place, without a bath or shower. Perfectly understandable, and you will appreciate the given warning. Unfortunately, it will actually take fourteen days and two to let the floor settle before you can use your new shower from the commencement of the work.

If you are lucky, as I was, the chap who comes to do the job will be a grand bloke, who explains everything to you, is on time and cleans up after himself persistently and meticulously.

He took pride in his work, and I was most impressed with him.

Thanks mate!

After around the twelfth day, the electricians will arrive. They will not introduce themselves, they’ll just turn up and start working.

You can, when you realise they are they, sneak out and take a photograph of them.

The older one will not even notice, but the young lad saw the camera and posed for me immediately.

The older one didn’t say a word to me for to days, not until it came time for him to tell me about the shower workings. He did this is about 30 seconds, and I couldn’t understand a word he said, partially due to hearing difficulties and partly due to the speed in which he spoke unsmilingly, as they rushed off.

You may find, as I did, that they had fitted a dirty used double light switch for you in your hallway.

But, beggars can’t be choosers, can we now?

After all, we are not being charged for it, you know! The Occupational Therapy man Joel has interviewed you and decided you needed this doing.

You’ll also find pretty soon after the electricians have gone, the place will need cleaning up after them.Just as well I’d invested in a new cordless cleaner int it?

Just as well I’d invested in a new cordless cleaner int it? Mind you, the battery only last for forty minutes, so it ran out while I was removing the electrician’s bits of wire, broken off plastics, lumps from the wall and I’m still finding bits here and there now.

The power for the shower switch will be located somewhere where it will be easy for you to walk into it as you pass by.

I assume this is a standard positioning from the antisocial, superior acting, know-all, I’m better than you, snotty Nottingham Homes Maintenance electricians?

I can vouch for the size, solidity and potentially hazardous positioning of this box.

However, I waffle on too much, I do apologise.

I’ve made a graphicalisation of some of the risks pertinent when using your new shower.

I hope will be of help too!

Inchcock answers Local radio presenters questions on Old Age

Juan Inchcock, the retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer from Nottingham, yesterday took part in a local radio programme where he was asked questions on growing old and the consequences involved.

He arrived at the studio in his pyjamas as if to make a point to the interviewer Shirley Blamey. She was not impressed and they drove him home to take his medications and change into his jump suit.

They returned to the studio where she sat him down on a commode and began her questions:


Q: Where can guys of 68 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.


Q: How can a man cope during his wife’s menopause?

A: Blowed if I can remember!


Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 68+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she’s with child.


Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” should take out the wrinkles.


Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.


Q: Do Senior Citizens have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.


Q: Do Senior Citizens have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoons!


Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads usually.


Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by Senior Citizens when they visit antique shops?

A: ‘Oh, I have one of these at home!’


Q: What is the most common things that Senior Citizens lose trust in?

A: Politicians, the human race, and emissions’ of wind from their anus’!


Q: What do Senior Citizens think of the Prime Minister?

A: This will vary, depending on if you mean Harold Wilson or Ted Heath!


Q: Do Senior Citizens like modern music?

A: Well, from Nat King Cole up to Elvis and maybe the Beatles yes.


Q: What would Senior Citizens be most likely to give children at Christmas?

A: Arsenic, mouthwash, or a gag.


Q: What foods do Senior Citizens miss most?

A: Beef dripping sandwiches, tripe, dried eggs and pigs trotters!


Q: Why do Senior Citizens take so long to get on a bus?

A: They need time to make sure of what day it is, the number of the bus, are they wearing their slippers or shoes, and why they were getting on the bus in the first place!


Q: What would Senior Citizens most like to receive from children for Christmas?

A: Peace and quiet!


Q: Do Senior Citizens still believe in Santa Claus?

A: Well some still believe in David Cameron!


Q: Do Senior Citizens still bath/shower as often as they used to?

A: Bath.. shower?


Q: Do Senior Citizens still watch Crime series on TV?

A: Not since Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, no!


Q: Where do Senior Citizens visit most often?

A: The toilet, the Doctors, the Hospital, and Health Centre!


Q: Who visits Senior Citizens the most often?

A: Care workers, Ambulance Crews, Debt collectors, and burglars!

Of course, these answers only apply to myself, but should give some guidance to the ankle-biters.


Q: Are there any things Senior Citizens do with any greater frequency?

A: Oh yes… Forget things, urinate, attend funerals and limp.


Q: Do you really feel tired more often?

A: Yes, it starts when the alarm clock goes off!


Q: How does your home life change when you reach 68 years of age?

A: You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.


Q: Do your views on anything change?

A: I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy


Q: Do you still go jogging Inchcock?

A: In my day jogging had something to do with the memory.


Q: Do you still believe in a good brisk run daily?

A: No… I have a few brisk sits instead now.


Q: Do you need to use Viagra nowadays?

A: Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn’t enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

At this point Inchcock began having involuntary mass escapage of wind and the studio was abandoned.

♫ An Inchcock’s lot is not a happy one (Happy one)… ♫

An Inchcock’s lot is not a happy one (Happy one)…

This may make very sad reading, I think you will agree,

It’s not for Inchcock, a holiday on the Aegean sea,

A hobble to feed the ducks on the canal is what it’ll be,

He lives on dry bread and out of date beans or mouldy brie,

You cannot call him educated or a bourgeoisie,

He looks like a demented overweight limping pygmy,

He’s old and decrepit, for his coffin he’s now ready,

Gets as much respect as a Brooke Bond chimpanzee,

He puts up with insults, innuendo and much phooey,

Many including himself questioning his sanitation and sanity,

His Brother in law thinks it is time to have him put down gently,

His arthritis and angina make him gobble vitamin B,

He hobbles around talking to himself each day,

 Arthritic knees, and his waterworks are getting leaky,

The eyes and hearing are going, and he’s got dropsy,

His pension is limited although not measly,

How long his new heart will last, we can’t guarantee,

He craves a woman – he’s more chance of winning a grand prix!

Death is not unwelcome to Inchy – it will set him free,

From being bullied, ignored and mugged badly,

Before he goes, perhaps just one plea?

Before he gets to meet Hitler and Elvis Presley,

Please give him in heaven, a nice settee,

His earth house is too small to get one into you see,

Oh, and some another things he’ll miss clearly,

The cups of nice strong flavoured Yorkshire tea,

His bladder’s endless calling him to painfully pee,

The insults, the snubs and muggings he has to decree,

His daily hobbles, when he has the vitality,

His fear of Mobility scooters, he’s been hit by three,

His nervousness of going out when it’s icy or slippery!

If you want a consultation with him, anytime it’ll be free,

Don’t call him though, he’s been cut-off by BT.

Thank you matey

Anyone wanting a copy of me ‘Don’t get feeling down, you might not drowned’ booklet, I have a few copies left at a reduced price from £9.99 down to 2p

Inchcock Today: Sun 17th Aug 2014

Saturday 16th August 2014

Got to bed late last night, still managed to get some kip, and only one getup for the WC (No blood)

I woke up with a searing pain at the left back hand side of my jaw. I gingerly moved my mouth and a sharp pain came for the first three times I tried to move it – on the forth it dissipated, and after a while, no pain at all?

Angina, back passage, Arthur Itis, Reflux valve, Ulcer and Kidneys seemed no problem at this time.

Gorrup and started laptop, kettle on and made a cuppa and pot of porridge, then off to the WC again (All okay).

The laptop had still not started when I got back – I fear the old girl might be on her last legs. (Oh dear!)

Stopped drinking tea from here on today: as I was planning to go and see my Sister Jane, and hubby Pete. I intend to take some photos when I get there, to use in creating a hopefully funny post about the visit.

Set off to the bus stop, caught bus to town.

Caught bus to West Bridgford. Poddled around the shops and bought some vegetable casserole and a rather tasty looking Mushroom Potato caramelised onion meals that appealed.

Walked to Jane’s, via a different route than normal: eventually found my way and arrived.

We had a good natter, and I remembered to take the photo’s Jane and Pete posed magnificently for them.

Took some of their new posh ceiling lamp wot they got, and the three portraits of rams on the wall. Yes, they are of a rather higher class than wot I am yer know.

Eventually I departed, for the long long walk into Nottingham, via a route passed some old haunts.

By the time I’d gone about two miles, me feet and knees were ahurtin’, and I had to find a toilet.

I took some interesting photos though.

In town, I struggled the last few hundred yards to the bus-stop, and alighted on me way back to the flea-pit.

No yobs about, thankfully.


Finished and Posted blogs, and then just had to get me head down, I wus well shattered.

Sunday 17th August 2014

Up at 0600hrs, after actually getting some sleep in for once. Just a shame I had to knacker missen walking for miles to get it. Tsk!

Still aching a bit in places, but still, at least I got some kip in.

WC, no blood.

Hobbled down and put the kettle on and started laptop.


Made a cuppa, couldn’t face eating yet. Not like me at all?

Tiredness came over me.

Pete emailed me a photo wot he took of Fuey – their lovely 89 year old in human age cat.

Took me medications, and started to create this rubbish.

I intended to do blogging (or preparation for blogging) all day. Well, I enjoy it yer know, I’m harmless really.

Inchcock’s Visit to Sister Jane and Brother-in-law Pete

They just had to show off their new £499.99 ceiling lamp, and £249.99 portraits in material of Rams on the wall.

As you can see, I was more interested in one of their cats ‘Mr Fuey’, in human age he is 89 years old, and still going bless him.

Mind you, once I got down to talk to Fuey, it was the devil’s own job gerrin’ up agen!

They (Jane and Pete) made a big mistake though: they asked me how thing were going!

So I told them about me last kidney treatment session at the Queens Medical Centre.

Me new diet wot the GP gave me.

About me haemorrhoids (piles) situation.

My fear of going to the WC. The treatments wot I’m on, and how to apply them.

The arthritis in me hands.

The arthritis in me knees.

The arthritis in me feet.

The Duodenal ulcer, and the consequences of the change in medication wot I’d had, how painful it can be, and reminded them of when I went in hospital to have it removed.

The new aorta valve beating away in me ticker. The failure of the medications to control the Warfarin level.

Me weekly trips to the haematology dept for me blood checks.

Me hearing aids getting old and playing up, how I had to de-coke em, the battery life etc.

Me change in medications and the effect they were having on me.

My new spectacle frames going loose.

The aggressive nature of me new dentist.

How I fell asleep on buses, all nine occasions.

I explained how the new dermatology cream was better than the first one I tried.

My current situation with the local yobs.

How I managed to lose me walking stick in Derby.

How I can go for days without speaking to another person.

Then I explained what I thought were the root causes for me depression and loneliness, starting from when I was five years of age and got thrown in the Nottingham canal.

I then explained how I was managing to fail in search for sheltered housing wot I could afford, how who and when I tried to get some.

Told them about the state of me roof back at the hovel.

The damaged WC, taps that leaked.

What DVDs I’d watched over the last year or so.

Why I’d changed from Frosties, to having Grape-nut flakes for breakfast, and how much better they were for me, but far more expensive. (No offers of financial support were forthcoming)

How my new walking stick needed an end pad that would not make a noise on hard surfaces.

How I broke me bottle of TCP last month.

How I managed to pour boiling water over me hand while making a cup of tea.

How I treated the blister with Dettol antiseptic cream.

The horrendous nightmares I get regularly.

Why I do not read newspapers anymore.

My search for a certain book at Nottingham library.

My thoughts on nepotism and nihilism within politics today.

As their heads hit the table, I realised it was time to go home…

Inchcock Today: Mon 11th August 2014

We’re a bit worried about Inchy today folks. He seems in a reasonable mood. Never mind, something is bound to bring him back down to earth with a bump. Talking of bumps, he had the one near his.. on his.. the one that appeared last month. The clinic surgically removed it last week, but he didn’t tell you about it because he was a bit embarrassed do you see. Well… the last few days really, nowt exciting enough to write about yer see…

Saturday 9th August

Oh, dear, WC visits throughout the night.

Woke up 0510hrs with cramps and fears from the nightmares I’d had..

Trundled down and put laptop on, then kettle on, then made cuppa and porridge, then took me medications… then waited for the laptop to finish booting up! Oh dear, I’m lost without me internet yer know.

Had to reboot laptop again, to get the internet going and letting me load wordpress with top bar on screen. By now, me cuppa and porridge were cold, so made another brew… While pouring it out, I had a dizzy spell, and managed to pour boiling water over me fingers. Applied water then olive oil to the tender red patches on me digits… oh, I think I swore a bit as well.

Posted Inchcock Today’s, then worked on graphics for another post.

Spent the whole day internetting on blogs and making graphics, it were grand it were.

Come early evening, I was drained mentally. (Poor old devil/thing).

Sunday 10th August

Up at 0430hrs. WC.

Laptop booted, kettle on, medications taken, WC, bowl of Grape-nut Flakes… then waited a further few minutes for the laptop to finish loading. I’m gerrin’ worried the old gal is about to conk-out… oh, lost without me internet yer know. Mind you, I might beat her to it yet.

Storms, rain and hibernation wus the order of things today.

Got no-end of blogging done again.

Monday 11th August

Up at 0400hrs, WC. (Bit of blood) A new twinge today to join me compilation of complications – stomach ache (Not the ulcer or reflux valve this time).

Laptop started.

WC visit, had to change me bandage.

Down, made a cuppa and took me medications.

Finally got me graphics finished for me ‘Inchcock’s Tips/Advice for those Approaching Old Age’ post, by gum it took ages.

I’ve been having a few more dizzy spells recently, and last night, I forgot to take me medications – this morning, no dizzies at all? Perhaps this is indicationistcal that one of me night medications might have been causing the problem – but which one? (See what a keen diagnostic mind I have today?)

Went up and dun me teggies, washed me tootsies, had a good shave, washed me horrendous torso, applied me Dermatological cream in the require places, changed me bandage, applied me ear-hole spray and took me midday medications.

Another cuppa, and I set off for the hospital. Got the bus today to town, then out to the QMC.

I wus seen to quickly, and out in half an hour or so. (No prodding or groping today – Drat!)

It wus piss.. pouring down when I got out, so instead of walking to town, I caught the bus there.

I remembered I wanted to have a look in the library for a book what Antony Beever had used for reference hen he wrote ‘Stalingrad’.

It was called ‘They Never Came Back’ by Siegfried Muhler. I hobbled up three flights of stairs and asked at the desk. The nice lady eventually told me it might be out of print. I should try a book store. So I did.

First I limped to Wesley Owen Books & Music, on Castle Gate. No luck.

Then to Waterstone’s on Bridlesmith Gate. They think it’s out of print.

Then WHSmith in Victoria Centre. No luck.

Along I staggered to Mary & Tony’s Books also in Victoria Centre – the nice lady there said she may be able to get me a copy in Romanian if I wanted?

I gave up.

Pottered around the City Centre a bit, and took a photo of the Council House – and very nearly copped it again with a Disabled Scooter nearly hitting me as I took the photo! Tsk!

Then into Tesco and got some Wholemeal bread wraps and a pack of Hunter’s sausage, and Torunska sauage. Then, after I’d paid the very weary looking chap on the checkout for them, I remembered I’d ordered a pack of Silesian sausage for delivery from Morrison’s. Well, at least I won’t have to buy any meat for the rest of the week, or even longer.

I wandered gingerly up to the bus stop, and caught the bus back to the hovel.

As I dropped off the bus, I remembered I’d not made an appointment for next week with the hospital. Ah well, it’ll give me run out another day.

I got in.

 Got the laptop on, and updated this tosh.

I did some graphics in readiness for later blogs.

Went up and changed me shoes fer me slippers – the stubbed me toes on the way down stairs.


Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

You Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

On the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

You Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

You Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

You Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

You Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.


The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!