Inchcockski – Sat 14 Nov 20: An oppugnant, yet discrepantly confusing day!

TFZers at the Gym – Yee-Haa! ♥

Saturday 14th November 2020

Croatian: Subota 14 Studenog 2020


0025hrs: Boy, did I wake up in a huff? I was grumpy, reluctant to move, to the point of clinomania setting in.

The brain wasn’t very lucid but retained a depressional outlook. And then a rare morning Thought-Storm started! As fast as the next worry, fear or semi-panic came along, I’d forgotten the previous one… Oh, dear!

I must have been dreaming something of a disturbing nature. There are soupçons of memory of the dream, but patchy and made no sense. (Mind you, I should be used to that by now, ‘things making no sense’, especially since the stroke.

Hey-Ho! The need for a wee-wee saved me. That helped concentrate the mind a little. By the time I had struggled out of the £300, second-hand, c1968, cringingly beige-coloured, unkempt, fluctuant, ramshackle, broken-down, uncomfortable, dusty, rusty, decaying, tatterdemalion, heavy, yet tottery, rickety recliner, and caught my balance, the Porcelain Throne was required as well.

As I hobbled to the wet room, the same thing happened as yesterday morning, and a swift, sharp Dizzy Dennis attack, had me grabbing for support as the balance went again. But this time, I stayed on my feet and didn’t hit the wristlet alarm against the door and set it off. Phew!

I got on the Throne, and the releasing of the wee-wee blasted out of the bladders own accord. As it hosed away, the bowels made a tiny movement, and that was that; so I needed to apply some pressure to get it started, it was taking ages to encourage things along, and I had a go at the crossword book while waiting in agony. Once the action began, and it took a while to start, I was astounded at erm; how long things felt, painful all the way through, but such a relief!

I rose to inspect and note the state of the passed item, to record it in the Poo-chart for the clinic. Flipping-Thunderation! It was massive, bloody and a very light brown colour? I was pretty sure that the blood was from poor old Harold’s Haemorrhoids, made a note of condition, and set about with the stick, breaking up the gigantic torpedo to allow it a chance of being flushed away!

The first flush cleared it all away, amazing! Anticepticated the rear end, and applied the ‘Care’ haemorrhoid ointment (that stung a bit, Haha!) Well, that stirred the mind and cleared the fogginess a bit!

Of to the kitchenette with the camera, to take a shot of the morning view, and get the Health Checks done and recorded. Then made a brew of Glengettie.

But could I find the camera lens? No! I spent ages searching and ferreting around looking for it. All with no success! For some reason, this got me going with the self-hating pattern. So annoyed at myself!

The blood-pressure SYS, had now gone up to 189?

I assume due to the hassle and upset already suffered this morning, the angst? One of the highest ever readings this was, I think I have had a score of 189 twice before?

The temperature with the Made in China thermometer, was a much betterer level though, at 36.4°c.

I took two of the Dioctyl®, to hopefully soften things in the Porcelain Throne arena. Hahaha!

Then I came across last night’s medications, still, in the lid I use, untaken, not used, missed off… What an Eizel I am!

I kept stopping what I was doing to have more repeated hunts for the missing escaped lens cap. No success, of course!

Then I did a right IDIOT (Inchcock-Daft-Insane-Outlandish-Thing), perhaps something that is unique to those nearing the end of sanity; I got the template (this one) made up, and forgot all about not having finished yesterdays diary yet! And carried on writing. It took me several hours for this to dawn on me! I stopped working on this and went to update the Friday blog. At the same time, I was Feeling an even bigger nincompoop than ever!

To make things worse than ever, as I got the blog opened, I got the dizzies. I was out of sync and hazy for a couple of minutes or so.

I went slowly and carefully onto the balcony for some fresh air and returned feeling physically a lot better (Note, I didn’t mention mentally?) The entire bottom half of the blog I’d done, was completely wiped off? I couldn’t work out what I’d done, or what’d gone wrong!

Frustratingly, I had to do it all again! Are you sure today isn’t the thirteenth? Tsk! While trying to sort out what I’d missed, my inorthography and concentration had gone to pot as well. The worst it has ever been, caused mostly by my memory problems, and Nicodemus’s Neurotransmitters, I imagine.

Eventually, I got it finished and posted. Pinterested some snaps. I emailed the link. Did some Commenting on WordPress, then I did the Facebook. As I was planning to go on the WordPress reader;

Peed-off altogether now! So I tended to the ablutions. Hoping the Liberty-Global Virgin Media Internet will be back on afterwards.

Ablution Session!

  • I got in the wet-room and the Porcelain Throne No.2, was required. Well, almost a delight this time! No crossword puzzling needed, the evacuation ground its way out a little quicker this time – no bleeding at all, but a little messier. It was requiring two refills of the tanks and three flushes to clear things away. Well pleased with this!
  • The teeth-cleaning went well also. No bleeding, and not too painful at all!
  • The shaving was cut-less! Yep! Not a single nick!!! (I can claim no victory in this, I but need to thank SSS and Nicodemus for withholding any attacks whilst the preening took place!
  • The showering was a weak area for good luck (Tsk!) Two Dizzy Dennis visits ended up with two bangs on the right arm, one on the grab bar, and the other on the power box, which caused a little skin scraping.

  • A tiny few second Involuntary right-leg Neuropathic Pete Schuhplattler dance, caused me to clout the right ankle ulcer against the metal chair leg, which enflamed it a smidge, but nae-bother really, it looked worse than it was.
  • The new growth that started to come up on the right ankle a couple of days ago had now disappeared?
  • However, I seem to have another growth coming through now, on top of the right foot, a greeny-grey one? Ah-well!
  • The drying off and medicationalisationing went so well, and with such a lack of pains, I kept wondering if I’d done them or not! Great!

I doubt if I’ll have such a good session again, if at all! A Smug-Mode could not be resisted!

Not that a man such as myself, with my heroic, brave, devil-may-care approach, and good looks, my statuesque, muscular, young body, was bothered, of course. Cough, cough!

I returned to the computer to find the internet working again. I got on with updating this blog also, the rain started to fall again, and it seemed to get so sold suddenly.

It was drizzling again.

I investigated the emails for messages and any notifications about the Coronavirus figure locally. The past few days, they don’t seem to be informing us as much. I opened the ‘YourArea’ email and had a nosey. It took me a lot of searching, but I did find this one for the UK, on the BBC News Site.

Gone even darker now, but the rain is lighter, not that it matters to Prisoner 72, Woodthorpe Criminal Court. Hehehe!

Made a brew and took another Dioctyl® capsule.

I don’t want to go back to the rock-hard torpedos! I found this comparison chart.

Ah, that’s the one I was looking for.  They seem to put a seven-day running total on nowadays. There must be a benefit of this, but I wouldn’t guess at it.

I sorted out some small bags of waste and got them in the box on the trolley, then added the recycling, and glass jars. 

Got them stacked up, and took them to the waste chute, dropped the little bags down, and then caught the lift down to the ground floor, out through the lobby, got the glass in the green bin, recycling bag in the big bin, and returned into Woodthorpe Court through the lobby, into the elevator and back up to the 12th-floor, and into the flatlet. 

And all without seeing a soul to chinwag or talk to! But on the bright side, a rarity indeed – not a single LOB (Loss-off-Balance) or Dizzy Dennis visit going out or coming back! I distinctly recall thinking of this as I struggled into the flat with the 3-wheeled walker guide.

Then had a bout of LOB & DD immediately afterwards! Humph!

Back to graphicationalisationing on CorelDraw, and Dusty Springfield emanated from the doorbells.

It was the J Sainsbury delivery lady with the food order for me. The same girl as last time and I noted she’s come early, not like last week when she was nearly 2-hours late (Not through ant fault of own).

She filled the box and bag with the goods, a lot of stuff today it seemed.

I somehow got the big box through to the kitchen with the bags, then got the stuff stored away.

I got the bacon ready, potato farls in the oven, warmed up some canned peas, cut up a tomato or two, sliced a Jenny-provided pickled egg, I spread some milk roll bread with Lurpak, the meal was getting to look tasty before it was prepared… a.

There was a let-down though, the new electric can-opener would not work!

But I soon got to work gobbling up the meal, and made a decent job of it, too! But the Irish potato farls I’d undercooked a smidge, but still, the meal got a Taste Rating of 7/10. Maybe back to Chilli tomorrow, it depends on what Josie has, mind.

Medications were taken, then I got down in the recliner. TV on… Zzzz!

Inchcock – Monday 27th April 2020: So busy, everything seemed to plot against my getting any CorelDraw graphicalisationing done. Ah, well! TTFNski.

April 27

2020 ttttApr27

Monday 27th April 202

Hawaiian: Poakolu 27 lā ʻApelila 202

000 April 27

GM 90.0.0

03:40hrs: I stirred after five hours head down, and about four hour’s sleep in periods of about ten-minutes of duration. In a Zombie-like frame of mind, I eased my massive ever-growing bulk of a flabby-bellied body out of the c1968 recliner. Picked up the walking stick, and made my way to the wet room for a Porcelain Throne session. Gawd blimey, the uncut toenails hurt, making it hard hobbling!

1Mon02I was gobsmacked at the evacuation. It was all over in a couple of minutes, and nowhere near as bloody as yesterday. It’s still a bit painful mind. Well-pleased with this start to the day, I took a photo of the pale pins (legs) but found that Nicodemus’s Neurotransmitters were on strike again, and this time the shaking and lack of sense of touch contact, were minuscule. Hence, the picture was blurry, not a good one! It seemed like and felt to me, that they might be just coming back on-line.

WD 100.20.0 As I made my way, cursing the pain from the toenails, into the kitchen, RAI (Rheumatoid Arthur Itis) began, what was to be a day-long session of giving me and my knees a lot of grief! However, Duodenal Donald, although still with me, was vastly less bothersome. Swings and roundabouts? 

1Mon01I made a brew of Thompsons Punjana tea. Got the medications out and taken, and spent a few moments ponderisationing on the day’s expectancies. I find myself in a quandary over the Iceland orders, one is due today, and another, possibly for tomorrow.

1Mon03WD 100.20.0 Arthur Itis’s replacing Duodenal Donald as King-Pin in the pain stakes was okay for me at the moment, a change is as good as a rest. But, if Donald does start up again alongside Arthur, and the toenail pain, things will be too much to cope with. Fingers crossed!

I got the computer on and did some comment reading and answering. Then onto the WordPress reader, some brilliant stuff on there this morning. Then tackled the updating of the Sunday diary. This did not take too long, with so few photographs, and with it being a little shorter with nowt much happening.

I made a mash of Glengettie tea, had a rather forceful wee-wee, washed and got on with creating this page. Out of prepared graphics now, so I must find time to get some more done on CorelDraw later.

1Mon06aThe mobile phone rang out, it was on well, and genuinely ancient, 1965 Hopewells E-Plan, worn, pot-marked, desk close to me, and the noise made me jump. Hehehe!

I investigated the phone message and found out it was from Iceland, concerning today’s afternoon delivery.1Mon04

As I checked the indicated email with details of the changes, I began to hiccup, and they lasted for two hours or more?

WDPleft03Shame about the changes, no Imperfect Chips in stock, my favourites as well, am I lucky or what? Tsk! No kitchen towels, and no bread thins. Things are not as bad as they seem though.

I have some cobs in the freezer to take out and defrost. I’ll do it now while I think of it.

All done, I put them in the fridge to thaw slowly until needed. And, of course, if the accidentally made Iceland order for tomorrow should arrive, they might have some Naturally Imperfect chips on it? I can’t remember if I ordered any, but probably not, though, thinking I was going to get some today.

With the long hurting toenails, Arthur Itis’s knees, Duodenal Donald, and the hiccups accompanying me, I put the kettle on the boil and opened the window of the kitchen. Took some photographs intending to show you how green things looked this morning.Stunning colours.

1Mon06

How I would love to be able to get a meander through the tree copses, I bet it smells beautiful in there, even with the dog muck, drug needles and empty beer cans and bottles. Sorry for myself? Bitter? Jealous? Me? Mmm! Hehehe!

Made another brew of Morrison’s Assam tea, and back to the computer. I went on the Morrison site, and added kitchen towels, sourdough muffins, soap; they only had Cussons Imperial in packs of six left, and washing up liquid. Of course, this order is still a week or so away, and merely adds to my Conrad Confusion ailment! Haha!

I went on the TFZer Facebooking page, I always enjoy this. Got carried away a bit, I must make a start of doing the graphics – and not forget about the Iceland delivery coming. Back in a bit.

WDP 4RightWD 100.20.0 ac I didn’t get far, I forgot about the ablutions, so tended to them. Well, they went well for a change again! The dropsies added up to only four! Brilliant! The toothbrush, the soap, the showerhead and the body spray can. I did well there! No, knocking anything over or off of owt, no toe-stubbings either! Smugeth Mode Engaged!

1Mon06bThe old ankle ulcer was prominent again and developed a gorgeous light brown colour instead of its usual blue-red shade. The veins were bulging a tad.

Well, it was something interesting at least, Hahaha!

1Mon06CWD 100.20.0 All dried off, I could feel a different pain in the right ankle and foot? I seem to have got new growths as well. What with the nails giving hassle walking and the latest whatever it is, I may never wear socks again, too painful! Humph!

I freshened up and smelling all nice again, and the legs almost looking decent, I poddled carefully cause of the poor toes, to make a brew and take the midday medications. 

1Mon07WD 100.20.0 I almost made a start on some graphicalisationing at last, but the intercom rang, it was the Iceland delivery coming early. I let the chap in, and waited inside the door for him to arrive, and shouted through the narrow gap from a reasonable distance, that there was tipple for him on panel shelf in the lobby. He shouted out his appreciation and departed. I waited to hear the end door shut, then nipped out to get the fodder bags 1Mon08inside.

WD 100.20.0 More bumph posted through the door. PHCA Healthcare Assistants leaflet, no prices on it, though. And any adverts with just a mobile number on it always arouses a surreptitious smidge of suspicion. Offering various services. I didn’t see any nail-cutting ones on it, Tsk! Pity there were no prices. Imaging ringing them, not hearing what they said, or worse mishearing them, booking them to find what you thought was £25, turned out to be £75!

Just another memory of one of my earlier cock-ups, last year when I phoned a chiropodist to ask how much it was to have my toe-nails cut and ankle-ulcer clean-up. She was not happy to find I didn’t have enough cash to pay her with. Sad innit?

1Mon09aWD 100.20.0 As I was going back and forth, very carefully and in agony with the nails and Arthur Itis with the bags, I remembered that the second pair of trousers had not been delivered yet, from Amazon? Just another thought and summat further to worry about!

I got the bags unloaded and spread the 1Mon09bfodder about to take this photo of them all. As I began to put the items away, the first thing that came to mind was tonight’s nosh. I decided to try the pork and caramelised sausages, and make some imitation hot dogs with the brown wholemeal deli rolls delivered.

1Mon14bI was not confident that I would like them that much. Iceland had a habit of producing great things, like the ‘Naturally Imperfect Chips, and their quarter-pounder beefburgers, both great! But I’m afraid that they do sell items that are horrible as well. Like their so-called fresh tomatoes, own label pork pies etc., so what these rolls and sausages will be like, I’ll find out later. I got around to checking the stuff as I put it in the fridge, and oh, dearie me!

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Finally, I got things stored away and back to the Graphicalising again! For ten-minutes!

WD 100.20.0 Another interruption, the phone rang. It was Sister Jane, they were worried about me because they had not received the blog link. I investigated and found I had sent it to Pete’s old email address. I was surprised that it didn’t get through, on all three of my emails accounts, things all get through. I apolomostgised and forwarded the original on to Pete (I hope).

WD 100.20.0 Again, back to get some graphicalisationing done. I could have cried when the mobile rang out, stopping me again from CorelDrawing! What made it more frustrating than usual, was that Nicodemus’s neurotransmitters were working all this missed time, and I could have really got on with the job. But it was a well-intended interruption. From Ballroom dancing champion, 2012 to 2015, and Obergruppenführeress, Warden Deana. She asked if I needed any bread or milk. I thanked her, and said not, all okay at the moment.

Back to the CorelDrawing yet again. This time it lasted for twenty minutes!

WDP 10R02LWD 100.20.0 I felt the warm wet sensation from the lower regions, that needed no explanation to me. Off to the wet room, and cleaned, dried and medication Little Inchies fungal lesion. I took a while, a bit of pain and usual ‘Argh’s, Eek’s, face contorting grumps, and some Spittling-Splurging!

It was so late now. Almost my head-down time. But, I gritted my teeth, I made a brew of Thompson’s tea, I put the oven on a low setting to get the sausages done later  (I’m looking forward to trying these), and back to the computer, in hopes of getting at least a few graphics done.

Then, as I was taking my seat on the computer chair…

WDPbbWD 100.20.0 ac The right leg gave forth with a Neuropathic Schuhplattler dance, nearly having me out of the swivel-chair!

WD 100.20.0 However, it was an exciting session. A sort of cross, between the stomp and a slightly more energetic one-legged, hokey cokey. It lasted for a few minutes too! Left me feeling a little drained, though. The worst thing, was it started the neurotransmitters off, and typing after this, and manipulating on CorelDraw, was impossible! I tried my best to carry on, but it was just too cock-up and mistake-prone. I was spending far more time correcting than drawing!

WDPBaMiserable now, self-pitying and depressed, all that missed opportunities with so many interruptions that stole away a rare opportunity for me to get some graphics done while the nerve-ends were working, lost!

I turned off the computer and tried to look for the silver lining in the whole fiasco, but it was too well sequestered, hidden!

1Mon16I got on the meal cooking. Ah, well, that’s Inchcock’s luck all over. Tsk!

After a while, I had the meal served-up on the tray. It looked okay to me, but it was a varied mix of success and chronicalisation!

The tomatoes, rare for Iceland, were British and tasted much better than their Moroccan ones. The Marmite cheese disc was gorgeous! The Iceland Straight-Chips were fine.

1Mon09bI’d like to offer a warning about the Pork and caramelised onion sausages. They were tasteless, fatty, and disappointing. I shall dish the ones not eaten, it would be unfair to offer them to any resident to eat.

The French, Granny Smith apple, one I found that wasn’t mouldy, was slightly more moist than an old house brick, but harder!

The wholemeal rolls were tasty. I used them as a holder for the sausages. As I folded the bread around the first sausage, the fat poured out of the link. Through the roll, my fingers, and dripped onto my belly and the plate at the first bite! Fat and water from the sausages got into the chips and made them go soft!

Flavour rating 3/10. Not one of my betterer feasts. Ah, well! Not to fret! 

I got the washing-up done. Got down in the £300, second-hand, none-working, broken by my xyrophobia-suffering Brother-in-Law Pete. And stewed about all the things that stopped me working on CorelDraw. Messages, deliveries, phone calls, and the lousy luck in the nerve-ends dying just when I got the chance to get with CorelDrawing. Crying was an option! But I resisted.

WDP 4leftSweet Morpheous resisted, again!

Jenny, Doris, Cyndy, Gaynor, Margaret, Angela, Jane, Deana, Steve, William, Bill, Malcolm, Herbert, Josie and all of you Winwoodonians, take care, folks and the best of luck!

Poetical Advice on the Ageing Process

Poetical Advice on the Ageing Process

 4Thur03b

Tripping, falling, slipping, dizzy-spells or funny turns

Any one of these, and others can have you over, young ones must learn,

Whatever you are doing, the time will come

When you’ll end unexpectedly on your bum!

And, I assure you it’ll painfull, not numb!

 

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As an aid to remind the young, unprepared whipper-snappers of the dangers wot they are certain to face, I’ve wrote them this little ditty:

To the tune of:

“It’s a long way to Tipperary”

It’s a long way to Topple-over,
It’s a long way to go,
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
My knees won’t let me up I know,
Goodbye, Being Healthy,
Farewell, teeth and hair!
It’s a long, long way to Topple-over,
Old age isn’t Fair!

It’s a long way to Topple-over,
It’s a long way below,
(Be-bom-bom-bom)
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
Despite you’re best endeavour,
(Be-om-be-bombombombom)
Goodbye, being healthy,
Farewell, teeth and hair!
It’s a long, long way to Topple-over,
Get back up if you dare!

Published in support of the Japanese Vick Inhaler Population in need.

In Japan, over-the-counter allergy/sinus medications that contain

the ingredient pseudoephedrine such as Vicks inhalers and

Sudafed are banned under Japan’s strict anti-stimulant drug laws.

Nottingham City Homes: Part Five: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

This article was written with the specific intention of assisting any Senior Citizen/s who may move into a Nottingham City Homes Independent Living Flat accommodation at the Woodthorpe Court flat complex.

THE UNITED CARPETS FARCE

Arranging and having the flat carpeted

Unfortunately, I chose United Carpets, (As opposed to an honest service providing Company) on the advice of my Age UK Councillor. He has since abandoned me, but thankfully Duncan and BJ did not.

Here’s what I went through, this I hope will prevent you making the same costly frustrating and anger making mistakes!

01topa

I was given so much help from Duncan, who came from Birmingham to help me with the sorting out and getting prepared for the carpeting. He even brought me a swivel chair and collapsible table and chair!

Thanks, Dunc mate.

001002aSo, I made a marathon walk (hobble) into Daybrook to visit the store. They didn’t have any plain brown carpeting in stock. The excellently skilled con-man sold me some cheap carpet and told me how much it would cost.I asked when it would be available for fitting. A sign outside said ‘Free Fitting on All Carpets,’ so that cheered me up somewhat. He had to order it, they do not keep any in stock and would let me know.

I asked when it would be available for fitting. A sign outside said ‘Free Fitting on All Carpets,’ so that cheered me up somewhat. He had to order it, they do not keep any in stock and would let me know.

He said it had to be ordered, they do not keep any in stock and would let me know.

Dun called that weekend and helped me sort out the flat in readiness, bless him.

Three weeks later, still nothing from the imitation carpet shop people was heard.

Contacted them and was informed I had to pay first before they order it?

I’d waited so long, I foolishly went down and paid the now threatening looking fellow. He said it would be a week or two before it arrives, and he would let me know.

Four weeks later I called at the shop once again. He said it would come the next Monday – and reminded me to that there would be £100 cash to pay the carpet fitters?

012

A phone call came in on Friday: They will be arriving Tuesday now, at 0730hrs.

I’d got my INR blood test at the surgery Tuesday, but it wasn’t until 1300hrs, and they told me it would not take long to lay the carpet.

003aThe carpet men arrived at 0930hrs, three of them. But there were two of them with another calling in to see them now and then.

They looked a bit on the hard side, scars, tattoos and alcohol-smelling breath like.

Communicating with them was difficult because I didn’t fully understand what their different grunts and accents were trying to say.

As they started to lay the underfelt, I popped out to see the lady next door, very nice, lovely, refined and polite she was – and I explained to her about the noise that might emanate from the flat while the chappy-blokes are laying the carpet today.

I returned six minutes later to the apartment: UNBELIEVABLE! They were off to do another job now they have got the underlay (with United Carpets Air-step printed on it) and the door strips down! Then they told me the carpet has not been delivered to them yet from United Carpets!!!

Cowboys or what? – Yes, Cowboys!

They rang back again 1238hrs – the Carpet from ‘United Cowboys’ has just arrived. On their way back to the flat, ETA 15 minutes.

It so Farcical innit?

Really peed off now, this means they are going to rush the job and it’ll be below standard I’m sure. Are they going to get it done in time for the blood test?

Yes, they did – like lighting they were!

It only took em 25 minutes to lay the lot! Worrying that?

I cannot believe how fast they got the hall, bedroom and living room carpet laid!

01W11They demanded their money and were off in a flash – too quick for my liking as I hadn’t the time to check on what they had done.

The bits of carpet left over were rolled up together, and shreds of nylon from the carpet were all over the place, but I think that is to be expected?

The broken wall connections to the internet box I hadn’t expected. Had to push it back in for now.

Months later I gave up complaining, they just denied doing it.

003aOf course, the Untied Carpet people were not interested at all.

I mentioned this to the Nottingham City Homes people, and they wanted to know why I’d drilled into the walls having the box fitted in the first place, without getting permission from them?

 

Coming Soon:

Nottingham City Homes: Part Six:
Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

The Door Lock Problems

 

Nottingham City Homes: Part Four: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

This article was written with the specific intention of assisting any Senior Citizen/s who may move into a Nottingham City Homes Independent Living Flat accommodation at the Woodthorpe Court flat complex.

aa01The author is a male widower, with a bald head, walking stick, is overweight, 5’2″ tall, bespectacled, hearing aid wearing, boils, piles, is an arthritis sufferer, had a heart valve replacement, skin cancer, has angina pectoris, aortic aneurysm, folic acid deficiency, bladder cancer, duodenal ulcer, a sticking reflux valve, has cramps, a bleeding lesion on his miniature Inchy, taking 24 medications a day, is suffering, with partial massive memory losses, falls asleep on buses and misses his stops, has water retention in the legs, suffers perpetually between diarrhoea and constipation, has nightmares, there are no relatives to help him in his daily tasks or Whoopsiedangleplops, had no education and is very nearly a virgin, but he doesn’t like to complain like.

* * * * * * * * *

The kitchen draughts Repairs

P4 01The direction that you will find the draughts coming in through the wall, via the cupboards and drawers.

This graphicalisation does not show where the wind comes in through the window frames edges. Just take is read, that the rust holes and rotted sealing rubbers allow the intrusion of wind at all times.

Be aware that you are on the twelfth floor, so expect high winds to be a ‘No kitchen today’ ritual for you; unless you are willing to catch pneumonia, or you can afford Eskimo clothing.P4 02

You will enjoy planning your layout and trying to get everything to fit into your four paces by 2½ paces spacious kitchen.

Although, there will be no room for luxury extras, like a microwave cooker, food mixer, coffee machine, waste bins or washing machine.

P4 04After many Whoopsiedangleplops and failed calls for assistance, you should get it looking something like this on the left.

Now with a model of the cheapest of Curry’s crap cookers and the same for the fridge

Then you’ll need two days to recover from your exertions, and write a letter begging for an overdraft from you bank manager.

P4 05You will put down a dustsheet and bring in the corner display you bought in 1968, and proudly attempt to refurbish and polish it up to use in the living room. During this five-day effort, you will get tired and a bit fed-up with having to walk around it as it dries in the middle of the floor after several disappointing attempts at getting the blotches covered and polish it. it

Finally, you get it as good as it is ever going to be (Crap), and put the sprays and polishes away in the bathroom out of the way so you can clean the insides of the cupboards and drawers without the stand getting in your way.

P1020961Late in the day, and you are getting weary. So decide to have a nice bath.

Drying off after the tub is when you use the ‘Lord Sheraton’ caretaker furniture polish, in mistake for your deodorant spray.

I advise you to jump back into the bath ASAP like what I did.

You might purchase some plastic four-drawer storage cabinets, these can fit near the door to the airing P4 04acupboard that does not work at all and the assembly can be used for storing your cleaning paraphernalia.

You will spend the rest of your limited lifespan, regretting getting the drawers, as each time you pass and catch against them they wobble and the things inside get jumbled up.

The airing cupboard has bars across that you thought was a good idea after you have filled the thing up with soap powders and capsules, brushed, mops, buckets, cleaning potions, clothes, scourers, tea towels, oven gloves, etc.; You find that the bars move. As they do, all the stuff falls, they burst the door open and knock over your two four drawer Wilko storage cabinets, that then tips over spilling all your medications, tools, sewing kit, oven dishes, plastic containers and all over the kitchen floor, leaving you with a fine mess to sort out!

The bottle of antacid that broke on the way down mixes with contents of the medication pots that spilt out and joined forced with the oven cleaner, leaving you with a new designer stained kitchen floor.

Initially, at times, you may think the flat has some poltergeist or is haunted, possibly the block of flats are leaning over a bit too? This is only the wind blowing in through the two holes in the outer wall, and forcing the drawers and doors to open of their own accord. You’ll notice this is only when the winds are high, and comes through the two gigantic holes in the wall. The one in the top picture that blows through into the cupboards and drawers, and the same size one at the bottom of the wall underneath the top one.

This problem, you take to the Flat Complex Coordinator, who passes on the problem after coming to have a look, and telling you that others have it far worse than you do.

A fortnight later you get a letter from the Nottingham Home Repair Team, advising you that they will be calling in three weeks time to investigate. Of course on the day they are coming, you collapse and have to go into hospital, so miss them naturally. Two days later you return, to find a letter through the door telling you that you will be fined for non-compliance, and giving you a new date for the appointment in four weeks time.

The gentleman arrives at 1315hr on the day. Have a look around the kitchen and ‘felt’ the draughts coming in. He tells you that he can do nothing, but he will arrange a bricklayer to come and plug up the holes. A week later you get an appointment for the bricklayer to call in three weeks. Which he does; takes a look and informs you he can do nothing. You need a carpenter! He says he’ll make an appointment. Two weeks later you get a letter making an appointment for the carpenter to arrive four weeks later. Then get another letter two days later telling you he will come in two weeks?

P4 06The man comes, nice sort of bloke, he sets to assessing the situation.

Then starts to demolish the drawers and shelves to gain access to the bottom hole.

I could tell he was an experienced carpenter and workman by the way he whistled ‘Delilah’ out of tune as he grafted away.

P4 07Soon the dust and wood shavings had left lovely patterns on everything in the kitchen.

I inquired, on seeing the one spray can of filler he had brought along with him, if that would be sufficient for the two holes?

He replied; “Two holes? Have you another then?”

P4 08Well well, I thought.

He assured me that this can would be enough to fill the two holes.

I pointed out that the other hole was behind the top cupboard and only partly accessible.

No problem, with this he whipped off the partial vent above and had a look. 01W10“Yes, I can manage that easily.”

 So didn’t do anything about it the top hole. He got the cupboard back together with an hour.

No fleas on this fella!

I thanked him and off he went, whistling away.

I returned to the dust covered kitchen.

P4 09The draughts were exactly like they were before!

And, a multitude of flies had appeared all around the window frame too?

I hope this Tale of Woe offers hope to any Single Senior Citizens who might find themselves in Nottingham City Homes Independent Living establishment high-Rise flats, especially through no fault of their own.

Part Five: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

“The ‘United Carpets’ Farce!”

Please: Never risk your sanity by using these nasty con-men & imitation carpeters!

Nottingham City Homes: Part Two: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

Nottingham City Homes Repairs: Part Two:

0001a

Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats

01W05a

0001aaFellow Senior Citizens please be warned. If you have the annoying habit like what I do, that of wanting to clean your kitchen window outside and in; Here is what you will have to contend with. Especially if you live in Woodthorpe or Winchester Court in Sherwood Nottingham.

I recommend that the following are stocked up on prior to the life threatening procedure is attempted:

  • Antiseptic disinfectant and creams. (The Dettol disinfectant and the Savlon Cream are effective)
  • Elastoplast fabric and Waterproof dressing. Elastoplast is fairly good. (Although Asda own label is a lot cheaper)
  • TCP and or Brute After Save: (Both are effective at stopping the bleeding abrasions you’ll acquire whilst trying to turn and hold out the control button, conveniently located in the less than 2″ gap between the mechanism and the outer frame of the window) The Brute deodorant in spray form lasts longer and allows you remember the Henry Cooper ‘Slash it All Over’ made commercials on TV from 1970.
  • 0001abA pair of Long-pronged Pliers is another most essential requirement. Either from ScrewFix or preferably the Pound Shop. Both will break when you try to attach them to the plastic button to turn and hold out the button using one hand, as you will need the other Arthritic hand to turn the window around to access the rust, bits of paint and stale water as it flows out of the frame and spills all over the sill, floor, cooker and you!
  • A note you must write before beginning this suicidal cleaning session. Along with your Anticoagulation Alert Card. Your medical record card to inform the paramedics when they arrive of your ailments and medications Medicsyou’re on, like: 

    Warfarin 3mg (Variable according to weekly INR blood tests) 1½ to 3½ –

    Pentoxifylline Blood flow 1 mornings – 1 noon – 1 evenings.

    Paracetamol 500mg pain relief up to 8 a day as needed – Codeine Phosphate 30mg pain relief up – 2 mornings, 1 evening and more if required – Simvastatin 40mghigh cholesterol 1 at night – Omeprazole 2omg – Oesophagus, Duodenal ulcer and sticking reflux valve. 1 mornings – The Ramipril 12mg Angiotensin High blood pressure – 10mg –  1 daily – The Bisoprolol 2.5mg fumarate – Beater-blocker – Control for having mechanical Heart-Aorta valve replaced – 1 daily – Ear-spray for outer ear – as required up to three times a day – Pain Killing Gel 10% Ibuprofen Fenbid  – Up to four times a day as necessary. – GTN sublingual tablets Up to four a day no more; contain the active ingredient glyceryl trinitrate. Do not forget to mention your liquid medications

The Nottingham City homes coordinator will humanely mention your predicament to the repairs department, and when you get back from the hospital, week two weeks after getting back, you will receive a letter from them with an appointment for three weeks hence, for a specialist repair man to call and assess the situation.

He will arrive and set to work looking a the window. After a few err’s and Mmm’s, he will tell you he is condemning the whole window, and will arrange for a new one to replace it.

This will please you greatly.P1020888

A week later, you will receive another arrange appointment trough the post, for three week time.

Another man will arrive, look at the window, and tell you there is nothing wrong with it at all.

You will inform him of the rust and concrete along with the stale water that fell out of the window when you finally managed to get it to turn so you could clean the glass.

He says: Well if you got it turned what’s the problem then?

Your reply is: “The rust and concrete along with the stale water that fell out of the window when you finally managed to get it to turn so you could clean the glass, and I needed three stitches and extra Trental and Warfarin tablets for two weeks!”

He clicks his tongue, gives a loud Humph, offers you a well-practised sneer and leaves.

End of repairs then!

Part Three to follow: The Electric Fire and the Wall Heaters Fiasco!

This weeks helpful advice accrued for fellow Senior Dodderers

Without any questionisationing, the last few days happenings at Inchcock’s Mansion in the Sky, have proven to be of infinitesimal benefit for him, in his quest to be of use as the WordPress Senior Bloggers Doddery Advisory Editor for Whippersnappers, and what they can anticipate and expect to be having to cope with in their later years.

No nonsensical airy-fairy Namby-Pamby these may or may not be applicable to all of the young shoplifters and drugged muggers in future years.

Each actual incident is described, and real advice offered. So that those nearing the Coffin-Waiting time of life can face it with the certain knowledge that they are about to tackle their final challenges, and can do so, knowing how Inchcock managed. (Fair enough he failed, but there you are!)

P1050007

Incident One

The support-gloved removal of fodder from the oven:

You will find it easy to do this and singe your gloves and fingers. The pain will not bother you too much, however, because you’ll be suffering from the Angina, and this will probably what caused you to forget to use the oven glove in the first place.

P1050008

Incident Two

Removing the new milk jug from the refrigerator:

Reaching in and getting some milk for your strong cup of tea, no doubt used to be an easy task?

Inchcock advises you do not use a paper coaster in an effort to keep the glass shelf clean in the fridge, like what he did.

You will find as you remove the jug, the coaster will fall off. You will naturally make a failed grab in an effort to try and catch the paper disc before it lands on the floor, where you will be in great pain from your arthritis and pulled leg muscle in retrieving it from.

Unfortunately, you will miss the coaster and drop the milk jug at the same time. Also, you’ll bang your head on the fridge door in your efforts.

Cleaning up the mess up, will prompt your backache and swollen knees to start giving you some stick, pain-wise.

You may well invent a new curse word like Inchy did, ‘Schramblackgustit!’

A new jug will cost you £3 from Asda.

P1050009

Incident three

The bathroom Heater Costs:

Taking your bath and ablutions will be painful enough just getting into, and especially so, out of the tub.

Not forgetting to turn off the heater, then going back in two hours later to find you didn’t turn it off, can and will damage your finances.

On the plus side, it’ll be nice and warm in there next time you use the throne but beware of falling asleep on it like what Inchy did. Falling off of it can cause medical problems, and getting back up will be no picnic either! Remember to keep your Health Alert panic button wristlet on, but not when you are in the bath – this has also proved costly to the Editor in the passed. Tsk!

P1050010

Incident Four

The battery operated dab radio in the bathroom:

What a good idea thought Inchcock, he could listen to his beloved Radio Nottingham whilst taking a bath or using the porcelain now he’s bought a battery operated unit.

He found the reception crap, and the volume available not high enough for him to hear it. The batteries don’t last long either. He also has adopted a regular habit of not turning it off after using the bathroom. He recommends if you take this route, keep a good stock of AA batteries in… and try to remember where you stored them too, important this bit!

P1050016 (1)

Incident Five

Housework One:

Failure to remember where the sharp corners are on the furniture, particularly the electric fireplace that always attracts dust even though he has never used it.It makes such a mess

It also makes such a mess when he tries to help himself back up after cleaning the thing, it’s amazing how many times the truncheon, photo frame, and clock, have along with Inchcock tumble to the floor while carrying out this simple cleaning task. He’s alright now thanks, the bleeding on his ear-hole tab has stopped.

P1050015 (1)

Incident Six

Mobile Phone charging calamity:

When charging the mobile phone, it is best not to forget you’ve put it on charge for two days.

Lack of incoming calls (Though understandable), could be avoided, thus, you will be reminded that the phone is still on charge when you eventually find it as it rings. If as with Inchy, you do not get any incoming calls much, you might try setting the alarm on the mobile to remind you of when it is fully charged? Of course being deaf, you may not hear it anyway. Still, it keeps the EE phone shop happy selling me the replacement batteries regularly.

P1050013 (1)

Incident Seven

Cooking and Traditional Wood Dye:

A good bit of advice here for those few whippersnappers that may still be capable of cooking their own fodder in the later years.

When using  your wood dye on your walking stick scratches, always, I say always! Put the can and micro-duster away out of view. Why? Well, you might copy Inchcock, and while you are setting out your food on the plate then realise you’ve left the open can of dye out on the work surface. Decide to screw back the cap on it and put it away securely. It is best not to let the thing slip from your arthritic hands as you screw the cap back on and as you make determined but futile lunge for the falling can, the contents spill right onto your lamb stew on your plate you’ve just served up for yourself! Humph!

PBooks

Incident Eight

So, you want to read some of your book, called Leningrad:

A great idea comes to you, you’ve got an hour and a bit to wait for the bus, not long enough to do anything on the laptop, so decide to have a read of your book?

You peruse the bookshelf and can’t see it there? You will try to recall when you last had a read of it, was it in the bathroom, a search in there will prove worthless. You spent the two hours searching, getting annoyed with yourself. You’ll check your shopping bag, bedroom, kitchen and cupboards. You give up and set off on the bus to your doctors appointment. You get back four hours later, make a cuppa and look at the bookshelf again – and there it is, Leningrad, top right of the shelf? Annoying this will be!

P1050017

Incident Nine

Another bathroom Cock-up to avoid:

You find out that Bicarbonate of Soda granules will work perfectly as a bath tub cleaner.

Just make sure you keep the packet away from your bath salts!

Mind you, if you too get them mixed up, you will get a good clean, but tingling sensation after your bath! Hehe!

What has Inchcock learnt? Words of Wisdom for Whippersnappers to digest

Here They Are:

GC (6)* The ability to lose things, animal, material and imaginary!

* The ability to get the wrong end of the stick!

* The ability to avoid winning any raffles, games, lotteries, hearts, or even coming as high as in the top ten!

GC blue f03* The ability to lodge oneself up the noses of all around me!

* The ability to be the only one out of 16 lads walking down the promenade at 0600hrs in the morning, who get bitten by the lone wandering mongrel dog that attacked us!

GC* The ability to be injured and immobile, and still fall off of the hospital trolley!

* The ability to fall asleep on the bus and wake up at the local Bus Station depot, unsure of who got the bigger shock, me or the poor bus cleaner!

* The ability to get peoples names wrong, and/or forget peoples names on a regular basis!

GC2cut08* The ability to misplace hearing aids, spectacles, remote controls, memory sticks, camera, pens, bus-passes, medications, mobile phones, keys, clothing, hats, and even spoons!

* The ability to end up with odd socks at the launderette on every visit!

* The ability to take me 6 morning medications at night, and your 8 evening medications in the morning!

GC blueface02* The ability to go into a room, and forget more often than not what you went into that room for!

* The ability to ring the wrong number on the telephone!

* The ability to be completely ignored at Bank IMG_0038queues, Business office queues, Job Centre queues, Hospital queues, Shop counter queues, Inquiry desk queues, Café queues, Pub queues, Council Benefits qeues and by the general public at large!

* The ability to lose total and absolute control of all and any emissions of wind from me anus!

* The ability to scare people horrendously when I smile and say ‘Good Morning’ to them!

GCbustop* The ability to lipread wrongly!

* The ability to get on the wrong bus!

* The ability to maintain me life of sorts, despite your constant failings and depression!

* The ability to tell the truth – this will get you nowhere, I know, it just confuses the bosses and politicians!

Medicated* The ability to want to help others – a futile quality!

* The ability to eat however much one puts on the plate!

* The ability to almost see me feet looking down passed me ever expanding bouncy belly!

IMG_0044* The ability to walk past a Barbers shop without noticing his prices!

* The ability to remember things from years ago!

* The ability to forget things that happened an hour ago!

* The ability to enjoy using carbolic soap!

* The ability to realise that the adage ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks’ is valid!

GCcell1* The ability to realise that ‘Old age people are measured as an economic liability and a social burden!

* The ability to realise that ‘Old age is a mental attitude as well as a physical problem’!

* The ability to become a sociopath, and enjoy it!

GCsat* The ability to realise that: When you live by yourself, all of your annoying habits are suddenly gone.

* The ability to understand what W. Somerset Maugham meant by ‘An unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones’

* The ability to accept and dwell in ones missed opportunities!

GCfall* The excellently honed and perfected ability to have the hospital staff in tears of laughter!

* An ability to present myself as a target for Pavement Cyclist and mobility scooter drivers everytime I venture out.

If you are lucky enough to live long enough, many of these attributes will come to you, wanted or not.

So make the best of things now kids, and good luck!

Wot Inchcock has learned this week

Passed on with the aim to help other Senior Citizens

Hearing-Aids:

When struggling furiously to get the hearing-aid into you ear-hole, do not put up with the pain and frustration of failing to get it to fit in… Best to check that you are not trying to put the left hearing-aid into your right ear-hole first!

Going shopping:

1) If you intend to go shopping in Arnold, I advise you do not get on a bus that is going to Bulwell!

2) If shopping in a busy Primark store, be aware that this establishment seems to breed violent customers who tread on the worst corn on your left foot and those ladies on mobile phones who run their child in their pram into your arthritic left knee!

3) Be aware at all times of danger from the lack of driving skills of the mobility scooter maniacs. They can drawer blood and just press unknowing or caring leaving you wounded, shocked and angry!

4) If going to the Asda Customer help desk… I wouldn’t bother. You aren’t even going to be listened too, let alone helped.

01M001Medications:

1) When applying Phorpain gel to your arthritic knees. Keep the toothpaste tube away from the Phorpain tube at all times.

Losing things:

When searching for you bus-pass, never look in the most likely place you think it might be, it will never be there. Try looking in the airing cupboard for instance? (No, I’ve no idea how or why!)

Dropping your cup of tea:

It might be best to make your tea and drop it in the bin straight away before your arthritic fingers force you to drop later somewhere that it makes a bigger mess of. Or… don’t make any tea at all and save on yer intake of caffeine.

HogwashBT Internet connection (Or lack of):

BT internet users: You really must try to avoid stress anger and frustration when the connection keeps (‘Cause it sure as hell will) letting you down in the middle of creating something you have not saved!

WC:

Be sensible and never try to hold anything back even for a few seconds, because you will surely fail to get to the porcelain in time as you struggle to get up and manipulate your body into your failed effort to do so!

Changing your socks:

Always when changing your socks try to support yourself through this painful procedure. Best not to lean against anything like a moveable oil-heater… this can surprise you as you slide ungracefully along with the moving heater and belt your head on the sink. I know!

Cutting your toe nails:

You must expect to be exhausted and in pain after this job has been done. Best that you do it when you have the time to sit and recover afterwards. And not before you try to walk down the stairs straight away and take a tumble down the last three treads.

GC Jamas01Leaving your house:

1) Before going out for any reason, it is advisable to ensure that you have your hearing-aids in – this helps avoid your nearly getting knocked over by a vehicle you did not hear coming at you round a corner at great speed.

2) Ensure you are not still wearing your slippers.

3) You must make sure you lock the door after you have departed. Even if this means a half-hour delay while you search for the key.

Microwaving:

Always, but always put your reading glassed on when checking on the cooking instructions on an Asda Egg Omelette packet! Thus avoiding reading eight minutes in error for three minutes.

Inchcock answers Local radio presenters questions on Old Age

Juan Inchcock, the retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer from Nottingham, yesterday took part in a local radio programme where he was asked questions on growing old OAP01and the consequences involved.

He arrived at the studio in his pyjamas as if to make a point to the interviewer Shirley Blamey. She was not impressed and they drove him home to take his medications and change into his jump suit.

They returned to the studio where she sat him down on a commode and began her questions:

1)

Q: Where can guys of 68 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.

2)

Q: How can a man cope during his wife’s menopause?

A: Blowed if I can remember!

3)

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 68+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she’s with child.

4)

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” should take out the wrinkles.

5)

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

6)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

7)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoons!

8)

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads usually.

9)

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by Senior Citizens when they visit antique shops?

A: ‘Oh, I have one of these at home!’

10)

Q: What is the most common things that Senior Citizens lose trust in?

A: Politicians, the human race, and emissions’ of wind from their anus’!

11)

Q: What do Senior Citizens think of the Prime Minister?

A: This will vary, depending on if you mean Harold Wilson or Ted Heath!

12)

Q: Do Senior Citizens like modern music?

A: Well, from Nat King Cole up to Elvis and maybe the Beatles yes.

13)

Q: What would Senior Citizens be most likely to give children at Christmas?

A: Arsenic, mouthwash, or a gag.

14)

Q: What foods do Senior Citizens miss most?

A: Beef dripping sandwiches, tripe, dried eggs and pigs trotters!

14)

Q: Why do Senior Citizens take so long to get on a bus?

A: They need time to make sure of what day it is, the number of the bus, are they wearing their slippers or shoes, and why they were getting on the bus in the first place!

15)

Q: What would Senior Citizens most like to receive from children for Christmas?

A: Peace and quiet!

16)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still believe in Santa Claus?

A: Well some still believe in David Cameron!

17)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still bath/shower as often as they used to?

A: Bath.. shower?

18)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still watch Crime series on TV?

A: Not since Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, no!

19)

Q: Where do Senior Citizens visit most often?

A: The toilet, the Doctors, the Hospital, and Health Centre!

20)

Q: Who visits Senior Citizens the most often?

A: Care workers, Ambulance Crews, Debt collectors, and burglars!

Of course, these answers only apply to myself, but should give some guidance to the ankle-biters.

21)

Q: Are there any things Senior Citizens do with any greater frequency?

A: Oh yes… Forget things, urinate, attend funerals and limp.

22)

Q: Do you really feel tired more often?

A: Yes, it starts when the alarm clock goes off!

23)

Q: How does your home life change when you reach 68 years of age?

A: You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

24)

Q: Do your views on anything change?

A: I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy

25)

Q: Do you still go jogging Inchcock?

A: In my day jogging had something to do with the memory.

26)

Q: Do you still believe in a good brisk run daily?

A: No… I have a few brisk sits instead now.

27)

Q: Do you need to use Viagra nowadays?

A: Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn’t enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

At this point Inchcock began having involuntary mass escapage of wind and the studio was abandoned.