Wot Inchcock has learned this week

Passed on with the aim to help other Senior Citizens

Hearing-Aids:

When struggling furiously to get the hearing-aid into you ear-hole, do not put up with the pain and frustration of failing to get it to fit in… Best to check that you are not trying to put the left hearing-aid into your right ear-hole first!

Going shopping:

1) If you intend to go shopping in Arnold, I advise you do not get on a bus that is going to Bulwell!

2) If shopping in a busy Primark store, be aware that this establishment seems to breed violent customers who tread on the worst corn on your left foot and those ladies on mobile phones who run their child in their pram into your arthritic left knee!

3) Be aware at all times of danger from the lack of driving skills of the mobility scooter maniacs. They can drawer blood and just press unknowing or caring leaving you wounded, shocked and angry!

4) If going to the Asda Customer help desk… I wouldn’t bother. You aren’t even going to be listened too, let alone helped.

01M001Medications:

1) When applying Phorpain gel to your arthritic knees. Keep the toothpaste tube away from the Phorpain tube at all times.

Losing things:

When searching for you bus-pass, never look in the most likely place you think it might be, it will never be there. Try looking in the airing cupboard for instance? (No, I’ve no idea how or why!)

Dropping your cup of tea:

It might be best to make your tea and drop it in the bin straight away before your arthritic fingers force you to drop later somewhere that it makes a bigger mess of. Or… don’t make any tea at all and save on yer intake of caffeine.

HogwashBT Internet connection (Or lack of):

BT internet users: You really must try to avoid stress anger and frustration when the connection keeps (‘Cause it sure as hell will) letting you down in the middle of creating something you have not saved!

WC:

Be sensible and never try to hold anything back even for a few seconds, because you will surely fail to get to the porcelain in time as you struggle to get up and manipulate your body into your failed effort to do so!

Changing your socks:

Always when changing your socks try to support yourself through this painful procedure. Best not to lean against anything like a moveable oil-heater… this can surprise you as you slide ungracefully along with the moving heater and belt your head on the sink. I know!

Cutting your toe nails:

You must expect to be exhausted and in pain after this job has been done. Best that you do it when you have the time to sit and recover afterwards. And not before you try to walk down the stairs straight away and take a tumble down the last three treads.

GC Jamas01Leaving your house:

1) Before going out for any reason, it is advisable to ensure that you have your hearing-aids in – this helps avoid your nearly getting knocked over by a vehicle you did not hear coming at you round a corner at great speed.

2) Ensure you are not still wearing your slippers.

3) You must make sure you lock the door after you have departed. Even if this means a half-hour delay while you search for the key.

Microwaving:

Always, but always put your reading glassed on when checking on the cooking instructions on an Asda Egg Omelette packet! Thus avoiding reading eight minutes in error for three minutes.

Inchcock answers Local radio presenters questions on Old Age

Juan Inchcock, the retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer from Nottingham, yesterday took part in a local radio programme where he was asked questions on growing old OAP01and the consequences involved.

He arrived at the studio in his pyjamas as if to make a point to the interviewer Shirley Blamey. She was not impressed and they drove him home to take his medications and change into his jump suit.

They returned to the studio where she sat him down on a commode and began her questions:

1)

Q: Where can guys of 68 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.

2)

Q: How can a man cope during his wife’s menopause?

A: Blowed if I can remember!

3)

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 68+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she’s with child.

4)

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” should take out the wrinkles.

5)

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

6)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

7)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoons!

8)

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads usually.

9)

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by Senior Citizens when they visit antique shops?

A: ‘Oh, I have one of these at home!’

10)

Q: What is the most common things that Senior Citizens lose trust in?

A: Politicians, the human race, and emissions’ of wind from their anus’!

11)

Q: What do Senior Citizens think of the Prime Minister?

A: This will vary, depending on if you mean Harold Wilson or Ted Heath!

12)

Q: Do Senior Citizens like modern music?

A: Well, from Nat King Cole up to Elvis and maybe the Beatles yes.

13)

Q: What would Senior Citizens be most likely to give children at Christmas?

A: Arsenic, mouthwash, or a gag.

14)

Q: What foods do Senior Citizens miss most?

A: Beef dripping sandwiches, tripe, dried eggs and pigs trotters!

14)

Q: Why do Senior Citizens take so long to get on a bus?

A: They need time to make sure of what day it is, the number of the bus, are they wearing their slippers or shoes, and why they were getting on the bus in the first place!

15)

Q: What would Senior Citizens most like to receive from children for Christmas?

A: Peace and quiet!

16)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still believe in Santa Claus?

A: Well some still believe in David Cameron!

17)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still bath/shower as often as they used to?

A: Bath.. shower?

18)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still watch Crime series on TV?

A: Not since Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, no!

19)

Q: Where do Senior Citizens visit most often?

A: The toilet, the Doctors, the Hospital, and Health Centre!

20)

Q: Who visits Senior Citizens the most often?

A: Care workers, Ambulance Crews, Debt collectors, and burglars!

Of course, these answers only apply to myself, but should give some guidance to the ankle-biters.

21)

Q: Are there any things Senior Citizens do with any greater frequency?

A: Oh yes… Forget things, urinate, attend funerals and limp.

22)

Q: Do you really feel tired more often?

A: Yes, it starts when the alarm clock goes off!

23)

Q: How does your home life change when you reach 68 years of age?

A: You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

24)

Q: Do your views on anything change?

A: I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy

25)

Q: Do you still go jogging Inchcock?

A: In my day jogging had something to do with the memory.

26)

Q: Do you still believe in a good brisk run daily?

A: No… I have a few brisk sits instead now.

27)

Q: Do you need to use Viagra nowadays?

A: Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn’t enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

At this point Inchcock began having involuntary mass escapage of wind and the studio was abandoned.

Home Workshop Manual for 29 Tools: with users’ advice

JCP03

To the uninitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with.

To help, here’s a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses, followed by some DIY tips provided by Mike Steeden Construction and Demolition expert.

1: Socket-Sets:

A definitely much needed tool. You’ll always lose the one you want to use, but the nearest width one can always be utilised to chew-up the bolt heads.

2: Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

3: Allen Keys:

Highly losable. You can keep them on a key-ring, for you to sort through them to find the size out of the 60 you have on the ring isn’t there, more easily.

4: Multi-Pliers:

Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to make you look macho and increase testosterone levels.

5: Wire Wheel:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh shit!”

6: Halogen Light:

A work-light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you’re working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

7: Electric Hand Drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

8: Cordless Drill:

A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool. Guaranteed to lose your power when you need it.

9: Skill Saw:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

10: Pliers:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. These have been known to mysteriously increase a man’s cursing vocabulary.

11: Belt Sander:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refurnishing jobs.

12: Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

13: Vice-Grips:

Generally used after pliers have failed in the task. To completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hands.

14: Welding Gloves:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hands.

15: Oxyacetylene Torch:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your workshop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing taken out of.

16: Table Saw:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

17: Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

18: Eight-foot long Yellow Pine 2×4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack- handle.

19: Ease-it-out Bolt & Stud Extractor:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

20: Band Saw

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most handymen to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

21: Two-Ton Engine Hoist:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

22: Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to mangle-up Phillips screw heads.

23: Plain-flat headed Screwdriver

A tool for opening paint cans. These are often used to convert the common slotted screws into non-removable slotted screws.

24: Crow Bar:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50p part. Also useful during burglaries and street riots.

25: Hose Cutter:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

26: Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit with it.

27: Stanley-Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

28: Swiss Army Knife:

Can always come in handy as a substitute for the tool you need, but you cannot find.

29: Dammit Tools:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Dammit” at the top of voice. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need at any given time.

Advice for the Handy-Man:

If you can’t find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it becomes an improvised screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help and only takes the piss out if you when you get it wrong again.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair… but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. It’s warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If it’s electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the “on” switch. Or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes does help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.

Above all, if what you’ve done is stupid, but it works, don’t toy with it any-more!

Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

SS01catYou Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

SS 002You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

SS TVsOn the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

SS 07 12.5pYou Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

SS GC vanYou Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

SS 09 AckerYou Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

SS 08 PipeYou Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.

 

The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!