Decent kip, got a few hours in and remembered bit of some dreams wot I’d ‘ad:
I wus tangled up in a barbed wire fence, but felt no pain as I tore off fingers flesh and lost an eye in me vain struggle to free missen – then some aliens landed and stood and looked at me for a while – then they tutted and got into a 1959 Standard Vanguard car they had taken out of their space-pod thing and drove off, me shouting after them that they could not drive ‘ere without a proper licence…?
I found myself in a kamikaze fighter, but it was a British one, and although a Fairly Swordfish torpedo fighter it had a sat-nav on the pilots dash and Tony Blairs voice was shouting out which of the Iraqi trawlers to dive into…?
I tried to get up to use the WC and was aching in both shoulders and Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna grumbling a bit and bleeding from me haemorrhoids.
This is not going to be a good day I felt…
Cuppa and medications taken, laptop started and did some graphics for later – until Coreldraw9 froze again. Had to go through force shutting down and restarting procedure.
Got me laundry togs ready, then had a spruce-up. I used the new three-bladed Bic razor this morning – it didn’t take too much time to stem the bleeding.
I was determined not to forget anything today. Hahaha!
Set off with me bags of washing and realised I had not got me mobile phone in me pocket. Tsk!
Found Big John already there.
Bertha was on duty today and we all had a little natter and I gave her her nibbles.
When the machines had stopped and I was taking the clothes out to put in the drier a ‘Clunk’ was heard… as the flipping mobile phone fell to the floor!
Boy was I annoyed with missen!
I suppose I’d left the ruddy thing in the pocket of one of me far-to-long-but-very-comfortable and warm pyjama pockets?
BJ took it to pieces to see if it could be rescued but no, it was a gonna!
Good job it was only a cheapo old one.
He said for me to go to Asda with him and we’ll see if the SimCard still worked and I could a cheap phone would work on the EE network wot it is on. Bless him.
Bertha couldn’t stop laughing! At least I’d made someone happy today.
BJ was not too happy with me rampant flatulence in his car as he took me to Asda, but he understood all the same.
I was feeling weary and tired without a good reason now.
We arrived at the Asda superstore and I spotted a dirty great big bird sat on top of the Asda sign above the entrance and got me camera out but was too late. I think it might have been a sparrow-hawk if your interested in knowing wot it wus I missed…
We went to the electrical department first to sort out a mobile phone, but there was no one there. Another member of staff told us that they were on break upstairs and would be back in ‘a bit’.
So we split and did us shopping to meet up at the check-out later then try again for the phone.
As I pottered about getting some beef and onions slices, yoghurt, jellies, bleach, disinfectant and bread feeling even more drained now, BJ came to me and said we’ll go now to see about the phone because he had frozen foods in his trolley.
So we did.
They had (In the cheaper simpler older phone range like) four to choose from and one was just like the one that I’d drowned in soapy water and on a fiver… yes £5, so I got that one and the kind lady seeing me struggling with trying to get me old sim-card into it did it for me.
It worked okay. Phew!
As we left the car park and stopped at the traffic lights I apologised to BJ again fer me unplanned escapages of wind, and noticed a chap on a mobility scooter almst skid to a halt and jumped put of it and into a Chicken & Pizza parlour take-away, I’ve seen anyone move so quick. Young lad he was.
I thanked him and off he went home.
Before putting owt away I wearily climbed the stairs to the WC – bit worried now about why I feel so drained and tired?
Maybe it was some sort of aftershock after me Whoopsiedangleplop the other day? Don’t like feeling like this.
Found a giant chocolate £1 coin I’d forgotten about getting yesterday for the launderette gals.
Wish I could think of something funny to write about it.
Crickey, I’m sneezing like a good un now. Huh!
I put the new mobile on charge and almost fell asleep doing this diary?
Hope to have some microwave sausage sarnies later, if I can stay awake that is.
It makes a change from not being able to sleep, mind you I ain’t nodded off yet.
Enjoyed me sausage sandwiches and spent a few hours trying y nod-off without any luck – odd innit how when one (Note I slipped in a Royal ‘One’ there) is feeling so tired and drained and still can’t sleep?
I might ask Mr Cameron about that.
It can now be revealed – that Aliens have indeed landed on earth on the 7th June 2014, at Scarce-Crumpet Village, in Nottinghamshire, UK.
The aliens, friendly in nature, declared their intention of saving earth species at risk of extermination. Although too late to save the Dodo and others species long gone from earth, they first met and informed the Nottingham City Council Litter Picker, Juan Inchcock 69, who they met in the municipal latrines of the Crankmore Cemetery, of the intended species they wanted to save for posterity when the humankind kills itself off in 2017, and keep them in a museum on their planet. As an example to their own species of how to self destruct without trying.
* The 3 Honest Politicians left on earth. (Now two actually as one of them joined the others since the list was compiled and fiddled her expenses)
* The Lib-Dem Party of the UK, and its 14 supporters. (Although they were a tad concerned that they may infect their own species with the madness rampant within the Cleggite supporters, so decided to take and preserve them in suspended animation, which of course is their usual state.)
* The honest lawyer who lives in Outer Mongolia.
* Both of the honest car mechanics in the UK. (Especially the one in Nottingham who actually checked all the required features of the MOT and did not ‘invent’ any faults and was sent to Coventry by his colleagues)
* All of the five police officers who actually go on patrol in Nottingham. . (But with cuddly Cameron’s further cuts this was now down to three)
* All three of the English footballers who can pass a ball. (But especially the one who can pass a ball accurately.)
* The dentist who did not enjoy in 1975, causing pain to a patient.
* The plumber who did not overcharge a pensioner in October 2011.
* Both Roofers who actually repaired a roof.
The Aliens showed their great regret at being too late to save any Honest Estate Agents, Taxi drivers, or Security Guards, as all were already extinct on earth now.
Mr Inchcock passed on the message to the Nottingham Constabulary, who promptly arrested him and sent him to the Happy House Asylum.
Nottingham reporter and wicker-bottom chair repairer Juan Inchcock, has deciphered a letter meant for despatch to another planet, by an alien who had to make an emergency landing on earth, in the Nottingham Council Benefits Office toilets. (Currently under review for closure)
Here is the Juan translated wording:
Dear Mother & Father,
Just to let you know that I am safe after the Lunarzodiac 1066510437 Transportation Vehicle crash landed on the planet Earth.
I landed on a little island called Britain (Although some of the population are out in jail and fined for calling it England?) in a built up locality known as Nottingham, in the centre of the island.
The kind local people must have seen I was in trouble, and broke into the building to try and rescue me.
The many locals immediately took away my damaged LTV-vehicle parts, and I assumed by way of a greeting and welcome, there were many of their land vehicles with blue flashing lights and klaxons in celebration of my safe landing.
They belted me around the head several times, presumably to make me feel at home with the others taking part in what I now know is bi-annual festival they observe here in their summer, as depicted by one of the placards one of their younger rings in the nose types in a gang of 40 or so who were playfully chasing, and throwing lit torches at two men in uniform in one of the vehicles that had the blue flashing lights on top, as they sped away, was carrying that read ‘Blood & Fear’, known as ‘Riots’.
I have been here a long while now, and have discovered many things about this race called, humans, and their habits and ways.
Different nations of the globe use different kinds of ‘currency’ for trading, pleasure, and killing each other. It seems those with the most currency live longer, can get medical help quicker, and tend to be the ruling class of the planet.
Every few years, their leaders send the lower classes to commit something called genocide on the peoples of other nations?
It appears they are now running out of oil, fuels, and common sense.
I have also found out that many of our own criminals have landed here over the years, and taken new identities: Judas Iscariot, Caligula, Mao Si Tung, Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin, Tony Blair and David Cameron being amongst the names they adopted.
They drink beverages, like the ‘Beer’ that was cheap until recently, and enjoyed by their proletariat classes, despite their desire to swear, fight, and have a curry and be sick afterwards. And hot burning liquids, called ‘Spirits’ which destroys the livers of the better off ones.
When the lower order of their species get their ‘Benefit currency’, they go straight to what they call a ‘Bookmaker’ and donate much of it to him. Apparently giving it to multiple bets, place, win, each-way, double, treble, accumulator, or a round robin.
I have yet to find out why, but this seems to make a Mr Coral, Mr Ladbrooke, Mr Betfred, and Mr Paddy Power so happy.
I have noticed that the ‘Britains’ seem to collect many peoples from other countries, Pakistan, Kurdistan, Poland, Jamaica, Lithuania, Romania etc. This causes difficulties in their understanding each other. But they seem to get on fairly well. And the locals kindly put out green bins on the pavements for the others to sort through each day. I think these are a generous people.
Some of the younger ones do not get enough food, education, or ‘Currency’ to exist very well. Others have enough of everything, even making servants of other well ‘Currencied’ beings, by making them fags?
Those in charge, are crooked, cruel and inconsiderate, but the masses don’t seem to mind, as long as they get their Benefit cheque, child allowance, Coronation Street, Football, sex, and ‘A good piss up once a week’.
I have decided to come home to Eruxtrasphere One in a few weeks time.
This is due to an impending disaster in the capital of the country, when they hold something called ‘The World Cup’ there.
I read that the BNP will be out protesting, the Muslim Brotherhood will be out protesting, Al Qaeda will be out protesting, the Keep the Police Stations Open Protesters will be out protesting, the striking Teachers will be out protesting, the Failed Asylum Seekers Support Groups will be out protesting, the Respect party members will be out protesting, the We Love Greggs Supporters will be out protesting, and Argentina and Iran may well be attacking the country in the same month!
I will be at the number 17 bus stop in Bulwell Market in Nottingham between 1100hrs and 1200hrs daily from June first.
Please come and collect me!