Inchies Local New Snippets with Odes- Part Two

Inchies Local New Snippets Part Two

Here are some terrible crimes being committed,
That will never be lessened or ameliorated,
While issuing laughable, pathetic sentences…
And obviously guilty scum, even get acquitted!
Judges and Parole officers aren’t assassinated.

Prisons are losing many an inmate…
Out on the run, not waiting for their release date…
They’d be freed by the Parolees and only had to wait…
Judges give them ten years… you’ll have to do two, mate…
A policy of being kind, as they kill… I can’t explicate!

Part Two of Nottingham’s Animalistic Crime Snippets
Plus, a rare bit of good news – I hope

I nearly got caught by these scamming swine!
At 03:40hrs the other morning, I was drinking wine…
The mobile phone tune flashed, did opine,
A text message tune. Had someone forgotten the timeline?

To me, this looked all genuine and fine,
With the NHS website on a lower line…
I got back to my alcohol-free wine,
No need to take any ranitidine!

But I fretted over it, oh, this worrying of mine…
Dithering, vacillation and my mental decline…
Carer Richard, fast becoming a mate of mine,
Investigated, found the telephone number online,
Do not use it! It was a Scammers mobile line!
Richard’d saved me from another dwine!

Whoever took this photo is a braver person than me,
Eight men fighting in front of your home are, ayee!
I’d hide behind the curtain, likely needing a wee-wee,
Full marks to the photographer, heroic of thee…

What going on with violence in this country?
I suppose it’s similar in Liverpool and Coventry?
Italy, France, Ireland, America or Germany?
Gangs, some worse than were the Mafia family!.

No peace for the lad’s family. Indeed, there will be no justice in the sentencing if they are found guilty.

Oh, the poor unfortunate little chickadee,
Sentenced to six years in prison… he’ll soon be free…
The Parole Board won’t let him serve more than three,
These overpaid do-gooders really wrangle me!

So are so many paedophiles walking free,
But we can’t cure them, you see?
Why are they let off so easily?
Bent judges? Or full of sympathy?
Do judges and parollers suffer from epicaricacy?

Don’t approach him; he’s dangerous?
Life imprisonment; in an open jail, Jesus!
Why, with such dangerous scum, be generous?
With his record, he’s not likely to be abstemious!
He wants, he takes, violently, certainly not adiaphorous!
He’s cleverer than they thought and stays anonymous…
Till he went on telly, sticking his finger up at us


A letter just arrived from the Doctor,
I know, it was a bit of a shocker…
I thought she’d died; bless her,
It’s been so long since I saw her… November?
I hope she’s not got any sneerier…
I’ve got to make an appointment without failure…

For a Severe Frailty Revue… what can I do?
Cataract ops that’ll make me blind are due?
One on the 15th, then the 18th, not one, but two,
Then the dentists are due around then too…
Dementia Doreen keeps putting me in a screw…
Neuropathy Pete, sending me in a mental stew,
Plans, thoughts, ideas, and intentions are all askew,
Ask for help, they tell me, and that I’d do…
Sounds logical, but to where and who?

——————————————–

Drunken rages; the man needs help, assistance… but he’s, had support before, but he gets more violent, his partner is in desperate need of help, but shows impressive residence and loyalty… why? I don’t know. Likely because she is so scared of the slob? So it’s heartwarming seeing the caring about the victim judge telling him, after issuing the pathetic sentencing, that he will only serve half of the prison term before being released?

Justice is all we want to see?
Something to make the victim worry-free!
I agree that there is no guarantee…
But slaps on the wrist are fiddle de dee…
The justice system has gone all namby-pamby!

——————————————–

The Sun Glasses arrived through the door,
Squashed through the letterbox, Cor!
But unbroken, what is more,
The price tag on them read £15.54!
But I paid £4.94, a bargain for sure…
Plastic tag keeping them closed, or…
I’d try them on, but I can’t open them anymore…
Kathleen’s Cataracts, eyesight so poor,
Now, even so cheap, they’ve lost their allure!

——————————————–

Sad as they come…

——————————————–

Ha, Ha, Ha!

I’m confused?

Well, that’s no surprise!

I’m not saying I was not a bit of a tearaway,
But, I see more crumbling of morals day by day,
Manners, politeness, honesty… all in decay…
Empathy, caring, and understanding float away…

Uneducated, unemployable youths today…
Join gangs for self-protection, they say?
Can’t get a job, to violence they stray…
Yet they’re experts on scamming and eBay?

To a degree, it was the same back in my day?
But we knew when to give way, not like today…
Instead of a one-on-one fistfight, now it’s a machete…
Gun, knife, anything to harm and kill nowadays!

If I asked to tell them to be kinder and pray…
Then I would end up as one of their prey!
They rely on drugs and their illegal distillery,
As they age, those not yet killed move on to spivvery,
Get too old for burglary and robbery…
To become au faux with blackmail and bribery…
Some will start wearing ladies’ hosiery…
And, if there’s any justice, catch leprosy!

NEMO MORTALIUM OMNIBUS HORIS SAPIT

Local News Snippets – Part 4⅔rds

Local News Snippets – Part 4⅔rds

Last week’s Snippets – Part 4⅔rd,
Crimes committed by the criminal herd?
Murders, knifings, muggings… occurred,
Are sentences being suspended and deferred?
The end of public safety… read my words…

It’s started, the crumbling of morality…
Violent crimes are committed daily & nightly!
Such offences are falling, apparently?
Methinks the Government say this, lyingly!
Crime figures are given with a certain mendacity…

Repeatedly freeing killers early, to murder again,
And yet, so many people do not complain?
The average proletariat shows some disdain,
I’m known locally as a harmless lamebrain…
Who is generally a softy and relatively humane,
Who voted in Brexit to remain…
Now violent crime is sending me to Novocaine!


This young man, is our hopes for the future?


Crime reducing in Nottingham, we were told…
Now multiple murders every week, behold!
The figures are hidden, those unsolved…
Reported crimes are down… down?
That brings on a furrowed brow…
Little faith left in the legal system now!



Four months, suspended for twelve months, and 15 days of rehabilitation activities? Oh, good!.


Then I found this report…

I’m getting confused here…




Bestest ever try… still no cigar…


Link: Unsolved Nottingham Murders

The Nottingham Lads Local News Snippet Series

Inchcocks Local News Snippets – Issue 31⅕th

Issue 31⅕th

I’m pleased to be able to report,
This issue has less violence of a sort,
Minor stuff, no murders, that’s a comfort,
Cause I may find one later, to import…
There’s no need to feel distraught,
There’ll soon be more, for me to flaunt!

Here we go…

Mental Health Act, I worry about it a bit…
Many members of my family have known it…
Malcolm, and others, they have seen fit…
Locked up, losing their citizenship…
One chap, they even gave him the snip?
He hurt no one, ever, but he still got zapped?
Now my family have gone off to the crypt!

Yet none of them had committed rape or murder,
If the mentally ill are considered a danger…
Could we not have discovered this much earlier?
Stop waging war, spend money wiser…
I’m getting confused, I’m not a scaremonger…
Drug gangs, Putin, murderers, muggers and pillagers,
Greed for cash… to show off and swagger!

Nor am I in my right mind, due to Doreen’s Dementia,
I’ve not led a life, with very much adventure…
But the mentally ill can be more of a danger…
Cause we rarely find out, before they become a killer!
That they have a problem, but a lawyer is a great deluder…
Claiming mental problems, voices hear, trickery here!

As with the parole board, that frees many a murderer,
To kill again… can justice really be absurderer?
So many innocents, now laying in their sepulture…
Because of the legal system, and its pathetic nomenclature!

Life imprisonment, they get out in ten?
This is not rare, it’s happened so often…
Judges pretending that the case is disproven…
Like backhander taking referees, the Government to please,
Keep the scum out of prison, the cost does displease…
It’s cheaper to make them into parolees…
So they can murder again, and with such f’ing ease!

Fair enough, put her in hospital, to play with frisbees,
She can be assessed regularly, by overpaid committees?
She’s better now, all the parole board might agree…
They may say no, either way, it doesn’t bother their fees!
Will mental murders ever start to decrease…
Is the legal system bothered at all? That’s the wheeze!
I’m sure we could find a way to help earlier, Please!
Before we have yet another innocent, deceased!

Humankind, seem to be losing the ability for conferring…
As well as bantering, bartering, and also, discussing…
Although some other qualities, they are practising,
Like moaning, complaining, thumping, mugging…
Battering, stabbing, lying, cheating, conning…
Grovelling, drinking, drugging, belching, killing…
Bedevilling, befuddling, begalling, belittling…
Caterwauling, shoplifting, fiddling, crime and spitting,
They have taken to with eagerness, and willingness.

This violence is getting a little close to home mate!
Like Putin, who validates it’s okay to annihilate!
Drink, drugs and sex, can easily overstimulate,
They put men on the moon, dead cells rejuvenate…
Shame the proletariats’ brains won’t recalibrate!
Mistakes my those in power, they just replicate…
Knowing their failings are worse than Watergate!

Oh, yes?

Even closer to my Woodthorpe Court, great!
Burglaries, break-ins, what a spate…
I think I’ll hibernate and vegetate?
Till Jesus returns, not long to wait!

Conditional bail? Sounds dodgy, to me?
What are the conditions? What do they be?
Why have they let this animal roam free?
Justice is farcical, in this country!

I’ll try to follow this one!

Local Postcode Crimes v National

The NG5 4DZ Crime Map. Been busy ain’t they?

A scumball like that does not deserve a lawyer for free! At least he got a prat of a lawyer, who could only tell the judge that he’d been a good boy, in mitigation. With his record, how he got off so lightly just proves my saying that the law is an ass!

This Below is really sad… Heartbreaking!

Everyone is a loser!

RIP Ray Dixon

ROGUES GALLERY

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Nottingham News to encourage Tourists

Nottingham News to encourage tourists – February 2015

Comments in green are by Inchcock

Shanay Walker murder accused pleads not guilty

A woman accused of murdering her young niece and cruelty offences has denied all charges against her.BBC02a

Kay-Ann Morris, 24, from Nottingham, is charged with killing Shanay Walker, who was found dead at a house in the city’s Bestwood Park area in July.

Ms Morris, of Beckhampton Road, is also accused of cruelty to Shanay, in 2012, along with the same charge against two other children, in 2011.

A second woman has also been charged with cruelty towards the girl.

Juanila Smikle, 53, of Easegill Court in Top Valley, Nottingham, has been charged with cruelty to Shanay and to four other children, dating back to 2011.

Both women appeared at Nottingham Crown Court earlier, and were remanded back into custody.

A trial date has been set for 15 April.

Horrendous!

Inspectors criticise Nottingham prison violence and poor conditions

Three wings of prison had to be locked down for three days because of ‘prisoner ill-discipline’, report reveals.

Emergency measures had to be taken to stop Nottingham prison from spinning out of control because of unrest among inmates last September, inspectors have revealed.

Nick Hardwick, the chief inspector of prisons, said that a week before a snap inspection in September, three wings at the prison had been locked down for three days “because of what the governor described as prisoner ill-discipline”.

Get caught for the crime – do the time… no longer applies it seems.

Nottingham paramedics quitting as stress levels reach crisis point

It comes as stark statistics reveal that the number of paramedics resigning and taking daysBBC0001 off work with stress has nearly doubled in the last four years.

A total of 87 paramedics have resigned their posts already this financial year, with 6,325 calendar days also taken off work with stress – a huge rise from 47 resignations and 3,151 days off in 2010/11.

And health experts say the workload in the service is just not sustainable.

Not glad to read this in my condition…hehehe

Crackdown on Nottingham’s problem with illegal cigarettes

BBC02aBootleg, counterfeit or smuggled cigarettes sold cheaply line the pockets of crooks.

And Jane Bailey, trading standards manager for Nottingham City Council, said: “There is an issue with counterfeit cigarettes in Nottingham and we are working with our partners within the police and Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs to tackle the problem. We would always urge anyone tempted to buy a packet of cheap cigarettes from a dubious source to think again.

A criminal activity surely brought about by the Governments over-taxation of the tobacco products?

Mansfield murderer Susan Edwards loses appeal

BBC02aA woman who spun a web of lies over 15 years after she murdered her parents and buried them in their own back garden has lost her appeal against her 25-year minimum sentence.

Susan Edwards and her husband Christopher, killed her mother and father, Patricia and William Wycherley, in Mansfield in 1998.

They then spent the next 15 years living off more than £280,000 of the dead couple’s money and creating an ‘elaborate charade’ to make people believe they were still alive.

The pair were jailed for life at Nottingham Crown Court in June, after being found guilty of the murders, and were ordered to serve at least 25 years each behind bars.

They should not have been given an appeal surely?

Three men arrested after a city centre fight which led to the death of a man have been charged and are due to appear in court

BBC01Muhamad Adnan, 22, of Middleton Boulevard, Nottingham, Callum Levi Ibrahim, 22, of Belfry Way, Edwalton and Azeem Khan, 28, of no fixed address, will be at Nottingham Magistrates Court on Tuesday morning.

The arrests were made following a fight in Thurland Street, just before 4am on Sunday morning, in which Joshua Bradley from Bulwell died as a result.

A 24-year-old man will appear at crown court, charged with the murder of Bulwell boxer Josh Bradley.

Richard Johnson, of Belton Sreet, Hyson Green, appeared at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court on Thursday February 12.

Wearing a baggy plain white t-shirt, dark blue trousers, and with his hair in dreadlocks, he spoke only to confirm his name, date of birth and address.

Johnson, who turned 24 just two days ago, stared at his feet, as the judge read the charge.

I wonder if found guilty, will he be given a suitable sentence? Oh of course not, we don’t hang murderers any more do we… just give them a few years being fed and free of financial worries for them then let them out to kill again…

Nottingham ‘loner’ jailed for home-made grenade

BBC0headA loner who lives with his parents has been jailed after police found a home-made grenade in his bedroom capable of exploding and injuring people.

Andrew Bird was sentenced to two years at Nottingham Crown Court on Wednesday, February 11.

The device, containing more than 100 pieces of metal, was found when his home was searched by police investigating him for harassing a 21-year-old ex-girlfriend.

As a result jobless Bird was convicted of harassing her and given a suspended prison sentence.

Nasty piece of work – a suspended sentence – Huh!

Shoplifting mum fined after stealing twice from Sainsbury’s

BBC02A mother-of-two has been fined for shoplifting twice from the same supermarket.

Sabrina McLean, of Longmead Drive, Arnold, stole alcohol and food from Sainsbury’s in Arnold last month.

The 30-year-old pleaded guilty to theft at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court and was fined £75 with £60 costs.

Marlene Domrynski head of the Nottingham Police Retail Crime monitoring team said: ‘In January we had an increase of 65% in shoplifting in Nottingham, this is pushing our resources to the limits.’

It’s rife nowadays!

Shoplifter spared prison and given chance to reform

BBC02aA former heroin user has been given a chance to reform despite shoplifting weeks after being released from prison.

Gareth Freestone, 34, stole two bottles of aftershave worth £50 from Wilkinson in the city centre on January 22.

He pleaded guilty to theft at Nottingham Magistrates’ Court yesterday asking for 18 previous shoplifting crimes to be taken into consideration and was given a 12-month community order, where he must carry out 120 hours of unpaid work. He must also pay £150 costs. Freestone, of the YMCA in Shakespeare Street, was last jailed in November for a similar offence.

Defending, Emma Wyborn said he had previously used heroin but had been clean for five months. She said he stole the items to pay for “everyday things” as his benefits payments had been complicated by his time in jail.

Reformed?

Nottingham Serial Thief

BBC02aA serial thief stole more than £1,000-worth of goods from shops over the course of four months – as well as stealing hundreds from his 87-year-old grandmother’s bank account.

David Brooks, of Manor Road in Eastwood, appeared at Nottingham Magistrate’s Court yesterday after admitting a total of 14 offences, including 11 thefts.

The court heard that the 34-year-old had stolen items such as perfume, joints of meat and a set of knives from shops in Eastwood and Giltbrook between September and January.

He had also stolen £380 from his grandmother’s account using her bank card, and admitted one count of fraud by false representation.

Brooks also pleaded guilty to two counts of failing to surrender to court bail.

Sentencing him to 22 weeks in prison, suspended for 18 months, chairman of the bench Keith Burd said: “We’ve given you quite a good deal. I want you to be under no illusion that if you fail to comply this time, you will not get a forth chance and you will go to prison.”

Scum!

Nottingham murderer still on the run.

BBC03Convicted murderer Mark Stoner-Seed is still on the run more than a week after absconding from jail – despite a nationwide manhunt.

The criminal, who torched a Nottingham house, killing a teenage girl and severely burning another woman, has been missing since Friday, January 23.

He had been released on a temporary licence from a prison in South Gloucestershire, but failed to return.

The 52-year-old is originally from Bestwood Park, and killed 17-year-old Christina Bunning when he set fire to a house in Forest Fields.

I’ll keep me eye out for him…

Two thefts from pay and display machines have been reported, one in broad BBC001daylight, in The Park.

Thieves plundered a pay and display machine by the Ropewalk at 3.15pm on January 11 and a theft from a machine at the same address was reported at 10.07pm on February 9.

In the local area crime update from Nottinghamshire Police, it was reported that a “serious number” of tyres were slashed overnight in The Park between January 28 and 29.

A burglary, two thefts from vehicles and another theft were all reported.

It was also reported that a “serious number” of tyres were slashed overnight in The Park between January 28 and February 5th.

Four burglaries, two thefts from vehicles, one mugging, one stabbing an attempted rape and another theft were all reported.

And The Park is a posh area of Nottingham!

Inchcock Today: Thur 18th Sept 14

04W001

Thursday 18th September 2014

Up at 0530hrs, attention needed to the bleeding ‘Inch’ again, on me last bandage as well. Still I remembered I’d got me Asda delivery coming, ‘cause I’d set me alarm on mobile to remind me – mind you, I can’t remember setting the alarm on me mobile to remind me? And there was some ordered on it. Both types I have to use.

Started to finish me Tuesdays Diary post for Inchcock, and I was not allowed to change me font colour. When I clicked on the font colour selection button, nothing happened? I closed and opened wordpress twice to try again. Then closed Google Chrome and tried again, and the option came back to life. Anyone else had the same 04W01thing happen to them please?

Inch started bleeding again. Tsk!

Asda order arrived… and guess what I ordered in mistake for the foam bandage? – Ladies towels! I took a photo on top of me medications for yer to see.

After spending two and a half hours constructing a graphic to use ont web – Coreldraw9 crashed, and I lost it all! Bother!

Decided to get me things ready for Hospice shop, polish missen up a bit, and talk a walk into Sherwood with the togs for em.

05Th02bMade sure I applied pain gel in larger quantity than usual. Daren’t take any extra painkillers, ‘cause I’m on me limit already. Tsk!

I walked/limped into Sherwood: Keeping a weary out for mobility scooters and skateboarders.

Donated me stuff at the Nottingham 05Th01Hospice shop, then caught a bus into Mansfield.

< Photo of the retail premises closed down as I left the B&M store. Had a walk around, got some bits of nosh for the nurses from B&M stores.

Caught the bus back to Nottingham. Feeling drained yet again, I got me head down, and for once soon nodded off – even if I kept waking-up in need of the WC.

Friday 19th September 2014

Up at 0130hrs Confused with why I’d got up at 0130hrs!

BT fibre connection coming on line today. I’ve got me new modem ready with instructions on how to set it up when they have connected it. Just hope it works.

Started the laptop, made a cuppa.

0145hrs: When I tried to get into Google everything froze.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted.

Got into to Google, selected email – and everything froze again.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted.

Got into to Google, selected email – and everything froze again.

Pressed and held start button and rebooted in safe mode with web.

Selected ‘System Restore option.

0245hrs: Got laptop going, didn’t go into Google first, but updated this diary in case I lost everything again when I try the web.

Then I tried Google… it was very very slow (everything on the laptop).

When I tried to open Coreldraw9, a message came up telling me that certain filed for Coreldraw8 were not on the system? I could not gain access at all.

&@~?@*!

So, I had to remove Coreldraw9 from the laptop, and reinstall it again!

By now it is 0505hrs, and still nowt done, and I’ve got the problem of the new modem to contend with later today – cor blimey am I uptight.

I’m now going to try and open Coreldraw9 again…

It took three minutes, but it’s opened.

I fear I may lose the laptop soon, she’s lasted well…

Now to try Google…

Slow, but it opened and let me get into Inchcock to finalise and post this load of tosh.

05Th02And it only took me around four hours of hassle! (Good job I did get up early innit?).

Took me medications in celebration!

Oh, by the way, some good news – Coreldraw9 now working (slowly) again, and letting me post in colour! For now anyway…

Laptop, BT internet and death permitting, I’ll be back!

Inchy Today: Monday 4th Aug 2014

 

Up after another nasty nightmare filled night at about 0430hrs.

Morrison’s delivery expT Dvdected this morning twixt 0700 and 0800hrs.

BT internet playing up again.

Made cuppa, took medications.

Searched for the DVD I ordered three weeks ago from HMV, and collected last Friday. ‘The Big Job’. Sid James, Dick Emery, Jim Dale, a good old comedy. Tried to watch it last night, but HMV had left the security thingy on it, so I wanted to put in bag now, so I could return it and get em to remove it. But couldn’t find it – Tsk!

BT internet connection crap, now gone all together (0525hrs)

Got laundry things ready for after delivery of nosh.

BT back on-line 0550 hrs. Nice of em innit?

BT back OFF-LINE 0556 hrs. Reset box again… Gits!

BT back on-line 0600 hrs.

BT back OFF-LINE 0601 hrs.

BT back on-line 0604 hrs.

I lost connection between 0550hrs and 0620 hrs about eight/nine times! Grrrr, had to keep resetting or rebooting. Gave up.

Anyone else on BT, How’s your connection today?

Morrison’s delivered at 0734 hrs. Put the stuff away. (Well, some of it).

0800 hrs, ablutions and got launderette togs ready, so much to take I could hardly carry em.

On the way to the launderette, an amoeba belted passed me on a pushbike un frit me half to death, almost hit me. I called out, and soon learnt he was an experienced driver by the finger sign he gave me as he disappeared into the distance, bless him!

 At the launderette, I had a good laugh with the gal there, and we tried to do a crossword. Cheered me up that did.

Back to the hovel, put togs away (Well, dropped the bags upstairs), and did another search for the DVD – and wallah; I found it. Where you might ask… er… in the bath actually, don’t ask why it was there, I don’t know.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATook an apple and pack of seaweed and other healthy food to eat on me walk into town. Must remember to take the DVD back to be opened.

Called on me way, to tell… oh I forget her name now, the laundry gal that I’d found the DVD. She did laugh… bless her.

Hobbling into town, halfway up the hill on Mansfield Road near the cemetery, blow me if someone else didn’t belt passed me on a bike on the pavement, nearly knocking me over. I’m getting fed up with these near misses from bikers.

Went into Tesco and got me Krakowska meat. Then limped into the slab square, took a photo of the disgusting children’s fountain and paddling pool. Dumped at the end of it, were beer cans and bottles, cigarette ends, sweet wrappers, crisp packets etc.

Proceeded, (I could have written carried on to, or Then, but I like typing Proceeded) along to the bank to extract some money and get me balance (Oh dear me).

Then took a walk to Aldi, and got some of their excellent Lemon cheesecakes and Porridge pots (what Lidl have stopped selling).

T bikeFeet and knees on bad shape now, so wandered to the bus stop, and caught one back to Beirut… I mean Carrington. As I got off the bus, a bloody motorcyclist this time, nearly hit me, as he drove on the pavement to the chip shop! I bravely took his photo from behind him.

I tottered back to the dump, and made a nice cup of Punjana tea bags. They are very good and strong, and they’re on offer at the moment at Morrison’s too, 49p off.

Started the laptop, and the BT connection was okay, perhaps they think I’m still in town?

1500 hrs BT connection down… Tsk! Back up 1509 hrs.

Started to do graphics for Letters to LOMM 8

Gang of about eight youths swaggering up the centre of the street. Hope they keep moving.

Getting on with graphics.

Yobs lurking outside again, going to go upstairs out of the way.

I’ll post this and try to remember to carry on the next from this time.

Must remember to take me medications up with me.

TTFN all.

Inchy’s E-Mail to the Nottingham Constabulary

Inspired by a letter published in the Daily Telegraph

The E-Mail

Having been bothered with the local yobs on my street, several times, and mugged twice. I’d like to give you an update on my situation.

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Nottingham Sherwood police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Sherwood by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Sherbrooke Road, Carrington, Nottingham

Three of them seem to enjoy insulting passing pedestrians and motorists, threatening them as the pass.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

Several of them wander off to set fire to the odd bin. When they get to house number 14, I am concerned they might cause a catastrophe, due to the location of a rusty Calor gas bottle between the bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished cleaning me windows.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

Thank You

Juan Inchcock Chambers.