Lament to the end of the Weevil War – or is it?

Lament in Ryme

To the End of the Weevil War – Or is it?

Willmott Dixon started to upgrade my minuscule flat,
New windows were installed, that started the waring combat,
EIBWBBBs (Evil Ironclad Boll-Weevil black biting beetles) and a bat,
All came in and immigrated, hibernated, and that was that!
T’was eighteen months ago; and a long time is that,
They ate the food, and I was often bitten at!


It cost me hundreds of pounds,
Bug killers and traps did abound,
My coughing was the loudest sound,
But the poisoning of my lungs was allowed,
No help came, although I protested very loud,
I got the blame, NCH responsibility they disavowed!


I found the battle, very fascinating,
But no signs for months of their abating,
They found my apartment very accommodating,
And with the little Weevils, I started acquainting,
Although mixed in with some aberrating,
At least their bites had no sting!


Spraying Rentokill three times a day became a realisation,
Their cunning skills at survival caught my appreciation,
The Rentokil put me more than them, into aestheticisation,
The numbers grew rapidly of their aggrupation,
If I was ever to win this war, this losing altercation,
I needed more help, stronger ammunition!


My health suffered from this losing situation,
My battle plans were in need of analysation,
I planned to use bleach, and soda as acidification,
But they just swam in it, I was losing with ambiguation.


Of victory, I had no hopes nor anticipation, furthermore…
The effects of the spray left me with a cough and snore!
My further pleas for help, others did ignore,
Until another flat got the Weevils, they got help from me for sure!
Slowly the Weevil numbers faded, not so many anymore…
But occasionally, they’d return, these nasty, Weevil detrivore,
Last week, they came onto the keyboard while I used CorelDraw!
But yesterday was the first day when I saw them no more!

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Oh, sod-it! I just went to make a mug of tea and spotted this. Tsk!

Oh, Woe is me!

Woodthorpe Alcatraz Pensioner: Now up for Adoption!


Would you like to help this 72-year-old young Inmate to find a life again?

Alk05After several failed escape bids, and his refusal to love his new windows, that block the light and view; something had to be done.

The management has no other option to put Inchcock up for adoption.

Although getting on a bit in years, he has no problem in manoeuvering to and from the cell blocks daily. His stratagem, as with many of the Alk07detainees, is just to ignore the lorries, tractors, etc. and plod on.

He sometimes goes out during his exercise period, to the wood behind his block.

Should you not get along with Inchcock after taking him in, don’t worry. He is suicidal, and few well-chosen words of reprimand, reproach or if desperate, an unwarranted tongue-lashing for something he didn’t do, will suffice.

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Alk06So, you can see, if you decided to adopt Inchcock, you would not be getting a totally inept or immobile adoptee, indeed. He is capable of cleaning shoes for you (although this must not include his bending down, as he can’t get back up again).

The Nottingham City Council have made arrangements for his funeral, if he snuffs it before the upgrading is done, anyway.

Alk04No matter what the weather, he gets out to his Doctors, chemist, clinic, and hospital almost daily. This would, of course, mean less hassle with having to listen to his stories of the 50’s and how much simpler life was then, and the musical talents of Frankie Vaughan and Billy Fury. Another bonus for any adoptee!

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Alk03No need for you to worry in the event of any fire alarms either.

Inchcock knows many of the Fire Service personnel himself.

And he has watched them as they attend the average twice weekly false fire alarms to Woodthorpe Block. And I can say that none of these emanated from his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles infested cell.

So, another possible worry about adopting Inchcock is deleted.

He has grown to like his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles.

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If he is adopted on his release, this will mean so much to him, knowing he no longer has to kill the creatures every day, to avoid being bitten.

It was mentioned at the last Block Wardens meeting, about the amount of what he calls Whoopsiedangleplops and Accifauxpas he suffers. This is nothing to worry about, we don’t, just ignore him, and he’ll go away back to his crossword book, no problem.

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If Inchcocks becomes defiant and will not do as he is told, here is the advice of the Oberführer and Gruppenführer of the Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union and Training Brigade. Just ignore him, unless there is some valid point to his moaning, then pretend to listen intently, then ignore him. It works a treat!

In the rare event that he persists, offer him a scowl, and threaten him with eviction and being moved to a prison cell in a rough area of Nottingham. That always quietens Inchcock down, for us.

Alk08kYou will have no problem with his often almost daily visits to the doctor for his blood tests and fungal lesion treatment.

As long as you live no more than two miles from Carrington, in Nottingham.

He enjoys the hobbling to and fro, and seems to get some satisfaction from the telling-offs and reprimands when he arrives at his surgery. He is also in Alk08jlove with one of the nurses.

No need fret over his medicationalisationing needs at all.

He can take his medications, albeit that he gets them wrong at times, this is nothing for any prospective adoptor to worry about, though.

In the event of his snuffing it while in your care, call for a quick removal of the body. Inform Nottingham Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union on 0115 955 0029, and he has a nose ring he keeps with him, at all times. It is the only thing he has left of any value, but it could fetch up to £1.50, so worth searching for.

Alk09Prisoner 72, is well known for his willingness to help at the outings and trips away.

The Social side of things can be a bit daunting for Inchcock.

His social skills are somewhat limited, but he does try his best, although without much success. But credit to him for trying.

Alk13bHe can be used for doing the washing for any adoptee and their family. He is well versed in the operation of older washing machines and is a bit of a wizard with the iron.

One handicap with his doing the laundry is his persistent habit of finding odd socks. This does not matter to him, or that he is that short-sighted he usual wears odd ones anyway without realising it. 

Alk12His being deafish could well help and having a bad memory can come in handy for any adoptor. He’ll believe it when you tell him you told him yesterday! Hehe!

Well-versed in electrical work and planning.

He is the envy of many other prisoners, at how he keeps his cell arranged.

1Mon04His window cleaning skills are a bit different from most inmates.

But they usually get a laugh.

Naturally, they are part of his many flunked escape plans.

So, if you can help us with this overweight, deaf, short, bald, Duodenal Ulcer, Anne Gyna, Reflux Valve, Harold Haemorrhoid, Hippy Hilda, Hernia Harry, Dizzies Dennis and Shaking Steven ailment suffering old Inchcock, and take him away, please get in touch.

Thank You


Ode to the Radiators Installation Day

Ode to the Radiators Installation Day

Geroff out for the day, the Obergruppenfureress Warden said to me,

“Yer not see wot they’re doing, and you’ll be noise free”,

She took her hand from around me neck, and so I did agree,

So, on the fitting-morning, off out I did merrily flee,

Duodenal Donald hurting, Arthur Itis painful on me knee,

Also a shame it was freezing and so icy!

I set off on my hobble, with determination,

A long day out ahead, luckily I had constipation,

Walked through Sherwood, and then Carrington,

Which way to walk to the Arboretum,

I took the shortest route, this took no persuasion.

Through the Nottingham Rock Cemetary, I rested,

Thought that death should not be detested,

But life should not be unattested,

Knowledge should be shared and reinvested,

Those in the know, shouldn’t be so tight-fisted,

By gum, been a long walk, my feet are getting blistered!

Arrived at the pond, bird and duck food in my carrier,

But this did not make me feel any cheerier,

Not a duck or bird in sight,

The water had frozen-over, surrounded by dying wisteria,

l looked on the bright side, at least I haven’t got diphtheria!

A Pavement Cyclist, came from behind, far too close!

I shouted out a sarcastic verbal ‘Thank you boss’!

His reply was naughty word ridden and gross,

I answered with meaningless verbose,

Walked the other way, and bade him Adios!

I went to tower and the cannons on show,

Nibbled an apple and ate a marshmallow,

They both tasted horrible though,

It was a long way for this old one to walk, though!

Eventually, I got home, back to the flat,

To find the electricians, one was wearing a hat,

But it doesn’t matter about that,

Why did I mention it? Don’t know, I am a pratt,

They laughed at me limping, and we had a chat,

Most of which I have since forgat,

They showed me the controls, not how to use them, not that,

I wish they had, I wanted to be a copy-cat,

I asked for information,

One big bloke called me a miniature wombat,

But we soon came to a concordat,

What with me being a scaredy-cat,

I thanked them and gave each one a two-bar Kit-Kat!

The spare room Radiator

The Living Room Radiator

The Hallway Radiator

The Kitchen Radiator was of interest,

Tried opening the cupboard-door and drawer too,

I really did try my best, get to retrieve my packets of Tyhpoo,

The carving knife stuck at the draw-back, will have to do!

But let me tell you…

Damn it, the memory has gone again, I’m going Cuckoo!

Inchcock – Tuesday 23rd May 2017: Chrome problems persisting – Got out for a hobble to get the Prescriptions from Carrington Pharmacy


Tuesday 23rd May 2017

Macedonian: Вторникот 23 мај 2017 година

Woke around 0545hrs, entangled half in and half out of the £300 second-hand recliner.

Tissues, pen, notepad, torch, medicine bottle, pain gel tube, headphones, remote controls, mobile phone and biscuit crumbs were artistically scattered over the chair, carpet, the other chair and over me! As I tried to clear my jargogled brain in an effort to recall how and why I had no legerity to tackle this problem… memories of a dream I’d had filtered into my mind memory. A rarity this. So I scribbled down some notes, although this time, actual memories remained as well!

I was acting in the film (Or thought I was really there) Rio Bravo, Dean Martin – the Dude, Sheriff Chance – John Wayne, Rick Nelson – The Colorado Kid, Ward Bond -Pat Wheeler the prisoner and me as Stumpy! This dream bore no relationship to the actual film other than this, and the background scenery of the gulch and barns. We were shooting Star Trek type Phasers at each other? This seemed all perfectly natural to me. After running around trying to get a better position with a handful of dynamite from somewhere, I realised they were all firing at me! No idea how, but I avoided all the phasing blasts and a Messerschmidt bf 109 dived out of the sky and strafed me.

Next thing I’m in a coffin being lowered into a grave in the ravine, and peeping out through the holes between the bare wooden planks on top of it… Still calm and collected, Dean Martin slurred “Who the hell was he?” John Wayne turned spat on the floor and replied: “Damned if I know!”

Then I was in a long queue of folks waiting to go in the old Imperial C2Tue04inema on Wilford Road in Nottingham, around 1950 and looking down at myself as an ankle-snapper in the line of bodies and remember thinking as  stared at my younger self: “I don’t know who it is either!” Hehehe! There were many more things that took place, but I cannot recall them.

This is the only photograph I could find on the web of the Imperials as was. It was I assume taken around 1960, long after the place had closed down and was being used as a Plumbers Merchant base?

Throughout all of this dream, I was so relaxed and content?

Off to the Porcelain Throne. Haemorrhoid Harold bleeding profusely, did my duty, cleaned things up and put a pair of protection pants on, it was that bad.

The stomach was grinding away still.

Did the Health Checks and took the morning medications and put the kettle on. The reading were all okay I think. Sys 147, Dia 77, Pulse 86, Temp 34.8, Weight 14.71 Down a bit after going up yesterday. And I had two meals as well?

Got the Google Chrome opened, email became Unresponsive within seconds. Updated yesterday’s diary and started this one off. Tried to open the instructions from Tech Man Sam and it froze for the fifth time since opening it! Humph!

Duodenal Donald was giving me some pain again. I must get out today to the chemist’s to see if the prescriptions are ready yet.

I decided to get the ablutions done now and get out to do this while I thought of it.

Had a good shower, shave (lost a bit more blood with this activity, Huh!) and other things and got the nibbles for the chemist staff into the bag. I’ll call in at the doctors first to find out if the prescriptions will be ready or not.

2Tue05Set off down Chestnut Walk towards the turn off for Winchester Street Hill.

Plenty of vehicles around, but on people at the time was passing.

The Chestnut Tree’s flowers drew me towards them with their beauty.

I got underneath the tree and took a 2Tue06photographicalisation of them from below.

Best I could get was the one on the left. Absolutely stunning flowers I thought.

With a bit of a lift in my limp now, I pressed on and down the hill into Sherwood.

Left up the Mansfield Road hill and by the Funeral Parlour (Where my funeral is all paid for) and the flower shop. They had some giant single sunflowers on sale and took what I thought was a decent picture of them. When it came to downloading it to the computer – it was not there? I’ve this before and still can’t work out what I’ve done wrong? Humph!

Over the hill and down into Carrington and into the Sheringham Park Surgery. Explained about my getting short of the Omeprazole capsules and asked if the next load of prescriptions was ready yet. She consulted her computer and said no, but if I come back in tomorrow they could be collected and taken to the chemist. I said thank you with what must have been a terribly dejected and sorry expression, cause she called me back and told me to take a seat and she’d see if the Doctor would validate the process. A few minutes later, she came out and gave me the prescription to take to the chemist. Kind of her saving me another hobble tomorrow.

Off to the pharmacy and was told there would be a long wait, or I could come back tomorrow to collect them. I told him I was going to do some shopping at Lidl and would return afterwards (Assuming I remembered to. Hehe!)

As I left to limped to the shop, I noticed BJ was in the launderette next door. He didn’t look too happy when I sneaked in and behind and threw him a cheery “Good Morning!” I hope he is not poorly. Aske me if I still wanted to got the War Memorial on Sunday, thanked him and said yes. Got the feeling, that was not the answer he was looking for?

2Tue09To the shop and spent over £12 on food? Mature Stilton, Jersey potatoes, tomatoes, tins of stuffed peppers, Lemon yoghourts, bread rolls with cheese, Smoked Haddock filled fishcakes and risotto mushroom rice.

Paid up and back to the chemist to collect the Prescriptions.

So much fodder along with the prescriptions 2Tue09ameant I had to break the stuff into two bags.

Rather heavy, and I struggled to carry them to the bus stop, where the Pensioners Free Bus Pass was greatly appreciated I can inform you all.

Met tenant Frank there, little natter.

No one else at the shelter, but by the time a bus arrived there were several other passengers – who between them forced their way onto the bus before I could, and I ended up sitting on the only seat available, one of the side-saddle ones. Arthur Itis was not happy with this, and soon let me know.

Off Sherwood

Met and accompanied tenant Frank’s better half at the bus stop. Nice chat and laugh on the way back to the flats.

2Tue10Put away shopping and medications and took the midday doses.

Got the Computer on – Unresponsive again a few times, well too many times, so much so I gave up with Google and got the dinner on the cook.

Maple Belly Pork slices into the oven, potatoes in a saucepan (Added some extra Maple Syrup). When they were cooking I got the tomatoes, beetroot, sliced an apple, mini pork and cheese pie and the cheesy cob onto the tray ready.

Tried to updated this diary, but Chrome problems decided me to do this in the morning, turned off the computer.

Got the no2Tue11sh served up with a small pot of lemon yoghourt.

An excellent tasty meal this one! Rated this at 9.45/10, despite nearly losing a tooth as I struggled with the tough skin o the belly pork. Lovely!

Did the last Health Checks took the evening medications and perused the TV magazine. Some good stuff on tonight that I fancied watching, but I was fully aware that I wasn’t going to see much of them and fall asleep. Hehehe!

Which I did swiftly. The mobile phone rang out, of course, I knew it was close cause I could hear it as I disentangled myself from the £00 second-hand recliner, but could I locate where it was? No! It stopped ringing. I was at a loss as to where it must be, went into the hallway to check the jacket pocket, and the landline telephone rang. It was Sister Jane. Back into the front room and spotted the mobile on the floor near the chair as I got to the landline. We had a chinwag for a while and I lost the signal. Jane rang back on the mobile, she was in her garden in the sunshine. I knew she was alright, cause she ordered me to eat pasta in my diet and told me off for buying tinned meat filled peppers in tomato sauce, also gave me a lecture on slimming and losing weight. Hahaha! (Only joking!)

Accifauxpa! Did the washing up, opting today, to stab my left-hand finger with the little steak knife, right down the nail again. Not deep, though.

There were three episodes of Law & Order on consecutively on channel 21. Full of hope of watching at least one of them before nodding off, I settled with a bottle of spring water, a chocolate bar (Topic) and Duodenal Donald twinging away. Every time an advert came on I nodded off, then it got worse, I kept slipping off while watching the programme. Not the foggiest idea now of what I was looking at. Just had a stubborn determination to keep on trying to watch it. Tsk! Eventually, I drifted off and into the land of nod properly.

Woke much later, around 0200hrs in desperate need of Porcelain Throne activity! Duodenal Donald was rampant and very annoying with his persistence and degree of botherationalisationing! Due to this, getting back to sleep was not easy.

Hey-ho! TTFN



Retirement sing-along to the tune of:

My Favourite Things

You remember: the tune from ‘The Sound of Music’?

Warfarin, duodenal Ulcer and cuts that need knitting,
Omeprazole and Morphine and new dental fittings,
Enoxaparin injections and boy they don’t half sting,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Metal ticker valve, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Simvastatin, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Overdue rent and those romantic flings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,
Social workers, the hot meals that they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair beyond thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings-
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel… so bad.