Inchcock Today: The Nottingham Lads Local News Snippets

The Nottingham Lads Local News Snippets

Gotten Himmel – Seven Hours Straight-Through sleep!

What a marathon, a pleasurable hypersleep!
When I woke, my joy did reep…
But I’m not going to threap…
But I did spend nearly an hour on the toilet seat!

The carer gals ganged up on me… but I was alreet,
I dropped two tablets, but they only spotted one!
Still, I gave them a nibble and drink as a treat,
If I left it to them, I’d be dead and gone!
Thanked them and carried on…
Getting the beans, seasonings and chunks of meat,
Carefully prepping the chilli for Josie’s luncheon!

I was already feeling somewhat smugger,
Until I went to the Throne, a right bugger!
Harold’s Haemorrhoids bleeding, the flow rate larger…
Then I realised, the fungal lesion was bleeding too!
But I began to get a little cheerier,
One thing that went well though, was the poo!
The Brute worked, and I cleaned up getting things drier,
Again, I as soon felt frumpier,
Had another toe stumper!

Got Josie’s nosh sorted, but it was a scramble…
Too long doing this blog as a preamble…
So I rushed the prepping; took a gamble,
But didn’t land in the proverbial…
The tray prepped, I dropped some bit… that’s immaterial…
It was delivered on time, keeping my record was essential,
Josie was in spirits, a chinwag was attainable,
Wished her good eating, and Josie was delightable!

Back to the kitchen, tap left running again, I’m blameable!
Got the pots washed and put away, then, being so capable…
I’ve the habit of doing this, I dropped the kettle…
Burnt my leg, took ages to clean the mess, I’d had a bellyful!
I’d broken the handle against the table!
Took a photo of the end car park, just because I was able!

My frustrations with myself, are indescribable,
Self-loathing, grudgeful, and yet, also grateful?
I suddenly realised I was really lucky!
Or do I mean highly gullible?
I’m still going, not strong, but plucky…
I’m not sinful, and definitely not skilful…
Why thinking like this, confusion was plentiful,
I’d better get on with the blog before I get forgetful…
Yet, for some reason or other, I don’t feel stressful?.

Local News Snippets

This is a sport?
Violence to report…
A game, tempers short?
Well, not my sort!

Well said Police Officer Sarge…
Amazing, can you enl
arge?
Will anyone be charged?
I don’t mean to be a targe!

So sad, I used it so many times!

An anti-social behaviour injunction?
He’s a scumbag, give him a vaccination!
One that might improve his sensitisation…
Pentobarbital should help is putrefaction!

Nottinghamianese to the core!

Worrying!

Fingers crossed!

How many years will the animal be given?
Will he be yet another freed prisoner to kill again?
Judges, parole pillocks show stupefaction…
Or should the question be when?

Another potential killer.

Inchcocks Postcode crime figures…
Can’t say that they assure us…
Police redundancies and station closures!
Stabbings, murders, bleachings, fractures…
The courts give them stiff lectures…
The odd lengthy sentence in the mixtures,
But the worst of devious plicatures…
Are they are better of inside… time for reflectures?

I know, I know… but it rhymes! Hehehe!

Particularly nasty, bearing in mind who she was working for!

Argh!

LATE NEWS FLASH!

♥ I put the photo of Lisa on the header, cause she’s lovely! ♥

The Nottingham Lads Local News Snippets Series

Local News Snippets: Part 74⅛th

Local News Snippets: Part 74⅛th

However…

Things looked decidedly cheerier here!

To keep the upbeat tone: Here are some scumbags that have been taken to court. To collect the amusing, non-deterrent, laughable sentences from Magistrates and Judges

Hassan Ali, 25, Criminal Damage. £120 fine, £200 compensation and a £34 victim surcharge.
Nicolette Attenborough, 33, was fined £120 and was ordered to pay £85 costs and a £34 victim surcharge for assault.
Dylan Jackson, 26, was ordered to pay £85 costs, a £34 victim surcharge and was disqualified from driving for 16 months for drink-driving and for driving without insurance or a valid licence in
Darren Snowdon, 37, was jailed for 12 weeks and was ordered to pay a £125 victim surcharge for assault and criminal damage.
Dennis Nolan, 61, was jailed for eight weeks, suspended for a year and was ordered to pay £150 compensation for criminal damage of a glass windowpane and door.
Herroll Smith, 46, was jailed for 26 weeks and was ordered to pay £150 compensation for entering M Cuts & Shave Barbers, in Uttoxeter Old Road, Derby, with intent to steal a Stanley knife.
Tommy Maughan, 37, was fined £40 and was ordered to pay £20.60 compensation, £85 costs and a £34 victim surcharge for stealing £20.60 of items from Tesco.
Lee Goddard, 31, was jailed for 4 months and was ordered to pay a £128 victim surcharge for two counts of breaching a restraining order in Nottingham on November 8 and 23, 2021. The offences saw him breach a suspended sentence imposed on October 21, 2021, for five counts of breaching a restraining order.
Antony Bilson, 32, was fined £40 and was ordered to pay £85 costs and a £34 victim surcharge for breaching a criminal behaviour order.
Blaze White, 30, was fined £120 and was ordered to pay £85 costs, a £34 victim surcharge and was disqualified from driving for two years for driving without insurance or a valid licence.
Jordan Fearn, 22, was jailed for 12 weeks and was disqualified from driving for three years and was ordered to pay a £128 victim surcharge for driving while disqualified and without insurance.
Andrew Selwood, 55, was fined £40 and was ordered to pay £110 costs, a £34 victim surcharge and was disqualified from driving for six months and had his licence endorsed with nine penalty points for eleven counts of speeding.
Chloe Smallwood, 29, was fined £40 and was ordered to pay a £34 victim surcharge and had her licence endorsed with three penalty points for speeding at 36mph in a 30mph limit.
Tayyab Hussain, 24: Fined £91 and was ordered to pay £110 costs, a £34 victim surcharge and was disqualified from driving for six months, due to repeat offending, for speeding at 43mph in a 30mph.
James Rawson, 48, was fined £440 and was ordered to pay £110 costs, a £44 victim surcharge, a driving ban for six months,
James Bannister, 37, was jailed for 12 weeks, suspended for a year and was ordered to pay £85 costs and a £128 victim surcharge for stealing trainers and a swatch.
Michael Karim, 36, of Standard Hill, in Nottingham city centre, received the sentence as part of a group jailed for a combined total of 167 years for the role they played in a cocaine gang. Which equals an average of 6 years!
Orvil Brown was locked up for five years after he was linked to an international drugs ring that posted large and valuable amounts of cannabis and cocaine to flood the streets of Nottingham.
Reuben Woolley was jailed for three-and-a-half years after setting fire to his flat and hitting an emergency worker with a metal bar.
Kelly Williamson, 57, was jailed for five years and three months after being found guilty of conspiracy to supply cocaine.
Orvil Brown was linked to an international drugs ring that posted large and valuable amounts of cannabis and cocaine to flood the streets of Nottingham. He was jailed for five years.
Joanne Duke coaxed her way into an 81-year-old’s home before threatening him with a knife. She was jailed for seven years.
Robert Davies, 32, was sentenced to 26 months in prison and must sign the sex offenders’ register, be subject to a 10-year restraining order and a sexual harm prevention order.

We, I can assure Sam, that he couldn’t have been looking,
When I worked in Aspley, the criminals had me weakening!
I had difficulty finding anyone honest… folks were wrangling…
Mind you, the locals were all on an excellent nattering…
But they might pick yer pocket, then give yer a battering!

My shop was broken into, the Police didn’t seem to be bothering,
Gave me a crime number and didn’t bother returning…
The chap in the flat above got a bottling…
But cheap sex was always offering,
You’d get it free if you’d got any Methamphetamine!

Fights every night outside chip shop – bloodcurdling!
The Police would always attend… but not until the morning!
Ten-year-olds raided the chemist for Dextromethorphan…
That’s Night Nurse® or cough syrup, Triaminic™, or Coricidin™,
We had shopkeepers some get-together, meeting…
That usually ended up with us all pissed-off and drinking!

Two eighty-nine year-olds!

Sickening! I pray they can catch the culprits. This has got to me, I’ll not bother doing any more odes, not in the mood. Cheers.

Cheers.

Inchcock: Local News Snippets in Ode

This week the News Snippets are reported, recorded and commented on, by The Nottingham Pensioner Lad, Inchcock (89).

Alto-Ego Inchy: I apologise for the Odeing included in the comments. But the lad has had minimal education. Now, with him contracting Vascular Dementia, as well as various other ailments; Hearing aids, mechanical ticker fitted, Glaucoma, Saccades, Cataracts, Stroke, Peripheral Neuropathy. His tendency to either waffle on, lose the plot or regularly forgets what he was doing, where he is, or where he was going; does not make for readable poetry. But there’s no stopping him. He only sulks when I point out these and other failings to him. Sorry.

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Well, this looks good,
Be happy surely we should?
Read the next one and chew the cud!
Your interpretation will go down with a thud!

I’m aware of how they feel, every patient,
I’m waiting on may a medical appointment,
Dentist, Chiropodist, Doctors yearly check…
That’s been a wait of three years, by, heck!
Audio, DVT and Cardiac…
Then the operation on the cataracts,
Glaucoma and Saccades and the Diabetes in fact…
Will I live long enough to get my treatments?

Sozzled, drugged up, and a man with a violent bent,
But will there be a return to prison requirement?
Easier for him to get drugs in there for his sustainment?
Maybe they’ll offer him some mental treatment?
Tell him sorry if this is inconvenient…
Give him some cocaine and pay his rent?

Run of the mill stuff, for the Nottingham creed,
I understand that he was a gynaecologist,
Nothing suspicious, the chap wasn’t a druggist…
Police won’t look too far into this…
With nine officers attacked and on the sick list!

The Police and I…
Have no idea why,
So sorry the lad had to die…
RIP son… It makes you cry!

No matter why – Animals!

All this violence, drugs, gangs, I comprehend?
Slave importers, youths will re-offend…
No deterrent do the courts send…
Viciousness threatens, it’s today trend…
And I think it will only worsen!
A judge was I thought the only person…
Who could, these crimes amend…
But no, so I’m scared and disheartened!.

Self-Centred Scum!

Well, this is interesting news for Sherwood…
A 48% increase in crime figures, should…
make my blood boil, make me angry and rude!
I’m not surprised, I’ve not seen a policeman since May!
Didn’t even see one on Tuesday…
Plenty of yobboes lurking…
Don’t suppose they are working?
I just pray they don’t mug me today!.


Raliegh, John Players, Debenhams, Topshop, Oasis, WH Smith, Burton & Dorothy Perkins, River Island, Banks closing down, Virgin Media sold to Liberty Global and has been ruined by them, Macintoshes, Rowntrees, Frys, Cadburys all sold to Nestles…

But fret not, we have 14 new takeaway shops opened… even though 12 went bankrupt in the last year?

Well, looking at my arm that’s encouraging.

So, basically, she’s got 25 days, what an hour a session? Going to some Community Centre; probably gets a free meal, and she can do some drug trading at the same time. I assume that courts will be providing her with a taxi both ways?

Inchcock’s Local News Snippets in Ode

Inchcocks Local News Snippets – Part 12⅝th

Don’t forget, when it’s wet, Aspro keeps you dry,
A saying from my youth, putting this in, you may think why?
Sorry, I’ve not got the foggiest, I’m losing it, I cannot lie!
So, the police take it seriously if it’s been reported?
A passing policeman saw it; would he be uninterested?
Oh, my sarcasm is at its peskiest!

By the time I’d read this, I’d a headache from my arithmophobia!
The NHS workers are well above being mediocre…
The pressure they’ve been under must have been a live-changer,
Can’t we do something, so they can have a recharger?
To give them a decent pay rise – reading this, Boris, you minger!

I don’t mean to be a rumourmonger or scandalmonger, scaremonger, But I’ll hold my hands up to being a gossipmonger!
But why does a Tory like what Boris used to be… Nae, not really!
Pay big raises to some, and others are not so feely-feely?
Boris is not a low-lifer… more like a copy of Lucifer?
Whatever your view; I think it’s the type of politics you prefer
Are politicians, each one a philanderer, or pilferer,
Are they better than a postman or scaffolder?
A lot of them get caught, exposing their doojigger…
Expense fiddlers, tax-dodger, or some a doppelganger!
They all seem to quickly point their forefinger…
They’ll make one if there isn’t a political cliffhanger,
Some MPs are better than others at propaganda…
I think of them when I’m using my guzunder!
Cause they take the piss, lie, cheat and plunder…
Cunningly increasing prices, they invest with a Luxemburger…
Still, bless ’em, they have a lot of money to launder!.

The grey cells seem to have got a bit mixed up here, doing this little ode below. The plot sort of evaporated. I ended up having a go at the politicians. Nothing new, I know, but usually, I can control these urges. Getting it back online, in a fashion, took me ages. Sorry!

Figures and numbers again, what an ache,
They can be manipulated, for the politicians’ sake!
For the politicians and wealthy, caviar at Le Gavroche,
Where a dinner cost around $590 per person, Ouch!
Still, I’m content with my cheesy potatoes and a fishcake,
Too much and rich food gives me the tummyache…
Anything rich, like roast quails, venison or cheesecake,
My finances are tight, my bank interest is opaque,
I’ll stick with the base food brought over by Francis Drake?
Potatoes, chips, mash, roast or raw… I always want more,
It’s the prol’ in me, I’m used to struggling, always been poor,
I’m at ease with plebs; they try to nick off of you, I assure…
But by my having nowt they haven’t got, I’m safe for sure
I need nowt else, no desire for haute couture!
Yep, in all things and areas, I am, at best, demure…
Just as well that I’m no epicure…
I’ve lost track of what I typing about – a mental rupture?
Intelligence, education, long ago I did disinure!

I’m not doing a lot for Nottingham’s tourist industry here!

When I see such figures, confident, I’m not!
Then again, who am I, intelligent, clever… You what!
I had faggots and potatoes for lunch… but it matters not!
How are these numbers arrived at and begot?
Are they accurate, true, to be trusted, or am I a clot?
I think they are part of a political plot…
Believing them leaves my brain in a knot,
Is truth doctorable, like a camera shot?
Have they been got at by a Judas Iscariot?
Are they genuine? Or fiddled, and tommyrot?
Or, am I a thicker than I thought fusspot?

Murderers, murderers who tell people they are going to kill someone an hour before they do, and the pathetic namby-pamby, out of touch with reality, criminal fancying, Arf-arf, judge tells him he believes you didn’t intend to kill him. Humph! No, you bewigged Pratt! The drugs made him do it, which are supposed to be illegal! No wonder crime is rising, with pillocks like this giving laughable sentences for murderers, and he can’t remember the evidence!

But it doesn’t bother me, oh, no!

Reminds me of a humorous happening that occurred when I was recovering from the heart op in the City Hospital. I was to be allowed visitors that day and had an appointment with the DVT Clinic in the morning. They collected me, and the chatting merrily nurses that took me to the clinic stopped in the main corridor and asked if they left me there for a couple of minutes, would I mind?

No problem, I replied. (I got the crossword book and pen snuck under the blanket on the trolley). I fell asleep, though… I was woken by a very concerned and harassed looking and sounding nurse.

I’d been there apparently, for over two hours, and no one had missed me. (It’s with me being so popular, Haha!) Sister Jane and Pete had come to visit me to find an empty bed – Poor Jane was genuinely concerned (I owed her a tenner – Haha, only joking!)

Up and onwards, near the end now…

So, if anyone fancies a lovely peaceful break over Easter, Covid restriction permitting; Why not visit Nottingham. They have a few cafe’s that have not gone bankrupt during the lockdown. If you fancy staying, there are many retail units available for sale or rent on the half-mile stretch of Mansfield Road available… You might even consider moving to Nottingham? No? I don’t blame yer!

Part of The Inchcock Make Em Laugh with Odes Series

Local News Snippets with Comments Part 5⅜

Good Question!

I’ve got arithmophobia, numbers leave my head in a haze,
No doubt, I’m an old gentleman, who is easy to faze,
Trying to understand and or appraise,
Easy, back in my earlier days,
Confusing now, my brain decays…
Facts and figures mixed, like mayonnaise!

This is clearer to me, a lot less bull,
+113.6%, well, that’s plainly plentiful!
Far too high for things to remain uneventful!
In fact, we must indeed all be very careful…
Or things can easily become more fatal!

I’m not sure why this was in the news at all?
This article is not likely to amuse or enthral?
Still, nice to see summat that’s not hard-ball,
I should welcome an item that’s not conflictual!

What is conditional bail?
Bed at a certain time?
Don’t stab anyone or impale?
Collect your dole on time?
Or eat only Wensleydale?
Don’t commit another crime?
Or is conditional bail, a dwale?

Here’s a right git who is rather unnice!
He’d drunk-driven before… Twice!
Nearly six years he got, very nice,
He was tried at Derby, didn’t apologise…
Better than the Nottingham Court guys…
They’d given him a month and free pork pies!

I can’t believe it, just two years… surely?
Our justice system is a tragi-comedy!
It defies logic and believability,
Saving money, with short sentences essentially,
Do we spend too much locking them up excessively?
Starve the gits! Forget about doing things humanely,
Or did the scumbag pretend to act demurely?

I find it hard to make a comment on this scum!

I’m sure she meant no harm at all,
By gum, she’s persistent, in for the long haul,
Though to be honest, it is only natural…
When the grandkids want drugs, avoid being conflictual,
Wanting to please young Elvis and Myrtle?

Brothers Jamil and Shakeel Amin spearheaded the group, who, in their twenties themselves, had a significant influence on young people in the city, who they were targeting since 2018. They were found to have long lists of clients, with frequent phone calls and texts relating to buying the likes of cocaine, MDMA and ketamine. Two members even bragged that they had so much money they could throw fivers ‘in the bin’, and the video of 29-year-old Shakeel Amin and 22-year-old Zain Mushtaq casting the notes aside was shown during the court case involving nine people as part of a drugs conspiracy.

I thought I’d end on a higher note, the top gang bullies got seven years each. It should have been a lot more, but with our justice magistrates and judges, it was a miracle they got seven!

Part of The Inchcock Local News Snippet Series – In Ode