Inchcock joins the Nottinghamshire Police Commissioner Candidate list!

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After visiting Nottingham Prison and consultating with his Age UK advisor Clivski Dantoni, his hairdresser Moresome Marissa and his Ladyfriend Binaround Brenda, Inchcock has taken the decision to stand for the position of Nottinghamshire’s new Police & Crime Commissioner this year.

His lack of education, social skills and his being a coward of the highest order did not put him off. His Doctor did try to convince him that it would not be a good idea, though. She changed some of his medications.

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Sad innit?

Inchcock Shows Signs of Contentment – Investigation to follow…

Unheard of Inchcock Symptoms Disclosed!

Medical experts and fellow bloggers today found out that Inchcock was showing signs of Contentment this morning.

A stand-by rapid response team was despatched to his flat on the 12th floor in Nottingham post haste. Led by Duncan Robertson head of the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Union.

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Gary Hoadley delayed by unforeseen circumstances

Unfortunately the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Union’s Riot Controller Gaz Hoadley (22) could not respond with the team due to his return home from his holiday in New York being delayed by unforeseen circumstances.

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The Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists Members preparing to go into battle to save Inchcock by adorning protective equipment.

The team, all worried about Inchcock’s attack of Contentment were soon on the scene.

Inchcock Gazette reporter Kentucky Angel interviewed Duncan as the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists were preparing themselves to enter Inchcock’s premises: She asked him why it was taking so long to gain entry?

“There are so many dangers in their Angel. Many unknown to those not within the bloggers circle – we must protect ourselves from diseases not commonly encountered and obstacles within the premises, I know I been in there! also to avoid catching anything ourselves…”

“What do you mean?”

Main9a

Inchcock’s Grabbers – A Danger!

Well we have make sure me know where his walking stick and three grabbers are located to avoid falling over them you see.

Also we must know where his medications, and used pads, bandages and elastica are stored.

And, we are sure of his current condition you see… if he’s come back to his usual depressed, moronic, not knowing what’s going on condition there will be no worries or need for us to offer assistance – but if he’s still on a high and showing signs of fitness, healthiness or happiness then we are in trouble and may lose him altogether I’m afraid. His metabolism and brain are just not used to contentment or optimism, I’m sure he could not cope with any of these emotions unless of course they are drug induced..”

At this Duncan passed the supply of DDT to Rachel Carerra (18¼) the Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists Accountant & Massage Specialist she quoted; “This could be dangerous, but Inchcock by being the crappiest, worst pathetic blogger of all time in a round about way supports and improves the standing of all of our members and other satirists you see. So we’d sooner he didn’t snuff it yet, until we find someone as bad as him to take over the mantle – and of course he still owes £20,450.26 to our bookkeeper and vehicle acquirement officer Danny Soz (19¾) who is here with as much if not more concern for the lad Inchcock (79).”

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Shirley Blamey & Mike Steedenski were requisitioning essential supplies for the squad

At this Danny Soz chipped in: “I care about the imbecile more than most do. And what would Lidl and the NHS do without him?” He rolled a Golden Virginia fag in a an MOT certificate and continued: “His fading with age short-term memory has been a boost the to Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionist’s bank balance. The missus would surely miss him if he has another heart attack trying to cope with the excitement any unnatural to him feeling of contentment, enthusiasm, fulfilment or pleasure… we stop this at all costs, especially the costs to my bank balance…” At this he coughed on his roll-up, took a swig from his absinthe flask and asked where the hell was Shirley Blamey (Not saying, Social Events Secretary) and Mike Steedenski (24 Health advisor) anyway? Do they not care about fellow blogger Inchcock? (Fellow members of the  Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists) Rachel Carerra explained that both of them were commandeering essential supplies for the  Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionists squad, and she was concerned for his safety.

She then questioned the absence of the  Inchcock Support and Containment Squad of the Satirist’s Blogger Unionist’s (Music Director and Supermom Marissa Bergen 16½,)

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Marissa, delayed a the bar in the airport in Newcastle

It transpired that she was last seen at Newcastle airport. However they did receive a message from the Northumbria Police that he had been released on bail and her methadone had been returned to her.

We understand that the Prime Minister has been informed along with Interpol and the NHS Psychiatric Unit. Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has since contacted Minister of Works & Pensions Ian Duncan Smith to see if anything could be done about avoiding the news of this Inchcock phenomenon getting out onto the web.

AndyBreaking News:

Just in from the Nottingham Perverts Monthly.

Inchcock was seen this evening outside of a ladies shop ogling at the headless models in the window. In the rain, looking miserable and with odd socks on.

So, all back to normal then?

Well… Thank heavens for that!

Good morning Mr Inchcock, take a seat…

GCInt

Inchcock went to an arranged meeting with someone from the Nottingham Homes Counter in the Central Library building to inquire if he actually had any chance of being housed in a what they call ‘Independent Living’ – which used to be called Warden Aided Flats within the surrounding area of Carrington.

It went something like this:

Homelink lady: “Good morning Mr Inchcock, please take a seat.”

Inchcock: “Thank you.”

Homelink lady: “Now what is your problem?”

Inchcock: “You assume I have a problem very readily – why can’t I be just making inquiries?”

Homelink lady: “You can be making inquiries…”

Inchcock: “Can I appeal against your placing me in the waiting band category D housing applicants? The lowest one which your staff informs me no one on this list has ever been housed?” 

Homelink lady: Muses over Inchcocks paperwork…”They are right, but they shouldn’t have told you that – do you know the name of the assistant who told you this?”

Inchcock: “No! – Did you not receive the letters in support of my application from my doctor, the hospital and the local police?”

Homelink lady“Oh yes, but they are worth nothing as long as you own your own home – we must look after those with children and families…”

Inchcock: “So I’m being victimised for living on my own then, let’s sue the wife for dying eh ?”

Homelink lady: “Let me finish please… where was I? They are worth nothing as long as you own your own home – we must look after those with children and families… the homeless, poor asylum seeking immigrants and the mentally challenged.”

Inchcock: “Oh, so if I had several kids with various partners, was an immigrant or had a mental illness this would qualify me then? Being harassed mugged and attacked by the local yobbery, having a dodgy ticker arthritis angina duodenal ulcer, hernia and early onset of memory losses being unable to clean the house and not knowing any councillors personally goes against me then?

Homelink lady: “I didn’t say that!”

Inchcock: “I know you didn’t – I just said that!”

Homelink lady“Said what?”

Inchcock: “So if I had several kids with various partners, was an immigrant or had a mental illness this would qualify me then? Being harassed mugged and attacked by the local yobbery, having a dodgy ticker arthritis angina duodenal ulcer, hernia and early onset of memory losses being unable to clean the house and not knowing any councillors personally goes against me then?

Homelink lady“It’s a simple fact that you cannot be considered for… hang on! Not knowing any Councillors personally you said goes against you?”

Inchcock: “I did!”

Homelink lady: “Why?”

Inchcock: “It’s true innit?”

Homelink lady: “Are you suggesting that we here at Nottingham City Homes are being intimidated, bribed or are in an allegiance of some sort with Nottingham City Councillors Mr Inchcock?”

Inchcock: “Glad you admit it gal…”

Homelink lady“I admit nothing… there is nothing to admit to, I think you must be mad to make such allegations – this interview is being recorded you know…”

Inchcock: “Mad? Me? Do you really think so midduck?”

Homelink lady: “I am not your duck! And yes I do think you must be crazy to come here throwing such intimations around – this interview is terminated Mr Inchcock!”

Inchcock: “Thank you petal – before I go will you sign this statement I prepared earlier to the fact that you consider me to be mentally ill? – Then you can move me up to band C and I just might get #’@~$ing 10% chance of being rehoused…Hehehe!

She carried a good left hook…

This bit of nonsense was inspired by a dream that Inchcock had.

Inchcock’s Christmas Speech to the Nation

My Lords and Members of the House of Commons and Nottingham Big Issue Sellers, Shoplifters, Muggers, Burglars, Benefit Cheats, Alcoholics, Nottingham City Council Members, and Anti-Social Trainee Criminals.

I wish you all a very happy Christmas.

I feel sure the Government I didn’t vote for will strengthen the economy and provide stability and security, and ministers will continue to reduce the country’s deficit, helping to ensure that mortgage and interest rates remain low.

Q02This past year has been one of great celebration for many of my enemies.

May they receive their just rewards when they pass onto the Fiddling Liars Parliament in the great Sky.

I’m sure the politician’s God does appreciate the good works and their conscientious contributions on his behalf over the year of 2014.

Osb01

I’d like to thank especially the Nottingham City Homes people for refusing to permit me a sheltered housing dwelling when I was mugged for the second time this year. And may you rot painfully slowly and publicly in hot stale urine and strong bleach.

To the spoilt apprentice muggers who have hounded and threatened me earlier this year I wish all the best in health, luck and death.

Q01And the best of ill-fate for the three mobility scooter drivers who have ran into me this year.

The one who produced the two finger salute to me as he shot off after running into the back of me outside Victoria Centre a special card.

The Snotty one who also came at me from behind on Mansfield Road, and the woman who didn’t even know she’d knocked me over in Derby near the bus-station.

I hope this will be a horrible Christmas for you all.

To the wonderful deaf and arrogant Indian and French speaking people at BT Internet, I have to admire how close you have come to being as reliable and trustworthy as Britain’s politicians. Well done you temerate nerds!

Q03To the Asda Customer Service counter assistants. I hope you get your hearing back soon.

To the staff at the G.U.M. clinic, a big thank you for taking only 16 weeks to clear up the bleeding lesion on my ‘Little Inch’.

To the staff at the Cooperative Bank… I’m sorry, but I offer you a heartfelt thank you and I appreciate all your help.

And for the folk who never get off their mobiles and speak at the same decibels as a formula one car taking a corner GC Jamas01at speed – shaddup!

To my GP, Dr Vindla my appreciation of your skills in keeping my body going for yet another year.

I realise that my mind is beyond help and that the short term memory refuses to work at times, a bit like one’s laptop – it freezers regularly.

Many thanks to the many cyclists on the pavement who come belting passed me and scaring me half to death. If you are too scared to cycle on the road, you shouldn’t be on a bike in the first place. Scum-balls!

Q03And for the Nottingham Constabulary, a card I’m sending to the Leicester Constabulary in appreciation of the Leicester Constabulary actually trying to do something about the cyclists riding on the pavements of Leicester as opposed to the Nottingham Constabulary who do nothing about the cyclists of Nottingham riding on the pavements.

Mind you, there has been a 40% reduction in real Police Officers on the beat in Nottingham, I cannot say about Leicester.

One also hopes that the coming year of 2015 and the future hold forth hopes of reinstatement of human kindness, understanding, compassion and community spirit. Huh!

Inchcock’s News at Ten – 10 Oildrum Street that is!

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Report from Juan Inchcock, retired Gas lamp wick trimmer and News at Ten reporter.

I managed to catch my first and only member of the public as he was coming out of the ‘Cash for You’ branch with his partner and five children, counting his money.

26 year old Elvis Grumpshaw. I informed him of the figures for unemployed men in Nottingham and for his views on it.

“Yer rotten innit?” He said lighting up a cigarette and spitting on the pavement. As one of his children tried to pick my pocket, he continued: “I ain’t never ‘ad a job yet, un it’s criminal it is.”

At this point he received a mobile telephone call and got out his Samsung Galaxy Note 4 Android 4.4 KitKat with the S Pen stylus, a 5.7-inch Super AMOLED display with Quad HD (2560×1440) resolution that comes with a 16MP rear camera with dual-LED flash and a 3.7MP secondary camera and is powered by a 2.7GHz quad-core Snapdragon 805 processor with 3GB RAM and 32GB internal storage with a microSD slot that can extend storage up to 128GB, Connectivity options include 4G LTE, Wi-Fi 802.11ac, Bluetooth 4.0, Infrared, NFC, and microUSB and  spoke to the person calling: “’Ello Leon… naw not at the moment bur I’ll ‘ave some later… yer same price good stuff it is… yea cheers mate”

“Nae, wot were I saying” he quipped as he entered a take-away with me following as he bought the family a Sub-Way cob for them to share between them.

“Oh yea… criminal it is how I can’t gerra job – un I’ve done me best, I gorra interview once but if I’d took the job I’d a been worse off by pounds like each week. I’d lose me housing benefit, Paternity and Jobseeker’s Allowance, Guardian’s Allowance although nthat’s only £16.35 a week fer each kid, lose me Child Tax Credit a year wot is Family element      £545 Child element: For each child £2,720, me universal credit claim ud go, me free prescriptions, me paternity grants and me help with childcare too… yer see like?

He took the time to drag down one of children from the top of the bus shelter.

I informed him that the Nottingham Council are intent in getting as many people as possible into work this year.

He went pale and looked rather dazed as he and his family used their free bus-passes and boarded the bus for home.

Unfortunately I tripped as I stepped of the pavement to cross the road to feed the pigeons.

Further reports from Inchcock will follow when he gets his walking stick repaired and is mobile again.

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Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski – on duty!

Yesterday the manager of Nottingham’s Patel’s Newspaper Shop, reports no shoplifters in his store for a whole day.

Nottingham’s Chief Constable and part time Brothel tester Mike Steedenski spoke with our aged reporter Juan Inchcock.

“I don’t believe the man… this is impossible in Nottingham, anywhere really but especially in Nottingham!”

He adjusted his wedding tackle and continued: “He’s just after sympathy that’s all!”

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Inchcock looks up at Gaz-tops the security guard, and then left! No wonder they had no shoplifters in!

Juan left and visited Mr Patel at his store… but could not gain entry due to the entrance being blocked by three rather aggressive Doberman Pinchers.

After a while Mr Patel called off the dogs and a large security guard arrived to let Juan into the shop.

Nervously Inchcock told Mr Patel he had come to interview him about this phenomenon of no his having no shoplifters in his store for a day.

Of course seeing the Dobermans and beefy security guard he already knew the answer.

As the Security Guard looked down on Juan, he went pale, lost interest in the job, apologised and left.

Inchcock Today: Sat 29th November 2014

Saturday 29th November 2014

Decent sleep but cannot remember the dreams, yet I seem to know I’d had them?

Up at 0455hrs.

Coughing and sneezing this morning.

WC.

Started laptop, put hot water heater on, went down and made a cuppa got medications, then returned upstairs, WC, the laptop would not let me onto the net!

Went down and restarted the BT box.

Still no connection.

Turned off laptop and restarted.

Still no connection.

Went down and turned the BT box off altogether then restarted it.

Still no connection.

Clicked on BT Broadband Help – but that said it could not be connected try again. So I did, three times, same message?

Turned off laptop and restarted it.

Still coughing and sneezing this morning.

Connection made – I have contact with the outside world again… but slowly.

I posted me Diary for yesterday on the Troll Free Zone.

Got to go to the bank this morning to try and sort out my new card.

Got missen and me things ready and started off on me walk into town – stopping off en route on Mansfield Road to pick up me prescriptions from the GP surgery. When I got there I realised it was a Saturday and they ere closed. (I’m quick like that yer know)

0602CarrtnMe starting point for the walk into town from Carrington.

I set off at a steady 1mph or so into town.

When I half way up the hill on Mansfield Road, I espied that on the bus lane all the way up there was the prettiest almost fractal-like spillages of

0603desieldiesel.

They do not show up on the photo on the left like I’d hoped, but they looked like works of art colourful that should have been in a gallery somewhere.

I pressed on down Mansfield Road ans noticed two shops wedged between students flats on he right hand side.

There are many retail outlets in the area that are in the same condition as these shops. So sad.

0607 tramI got in town and went to the bank first to get assistance on me three problems:

Changing my pin number – Memorable name ID and unblocking.

A young man sorted me with great aplomb. I thanked him and walked to catch a tram into Hucknall to Tesco now me card is working and get some nosh. Bread, yoghurt Curls and cooked bacon slices.

On the tram I took a photo because I could not believe there were so few people on it for a Saturday morning?

0604ExchangeDifferent story coming back though packed in like sardines we were.. like sardines!

Got back into Nottingham and had a wander through the city centre taking a few photographs for my many wonderful fans, supporters and fellow bloggers. (Hehe!)

I started in the Exchange shopping mall underneath the Council House.

They ere all offering a Black Friday Discount, but the prices were still high to my mind  a bit posh these shops fer me.

Anyway… What’s all this ‘Black Friday’ stuff then?

I’m sure I’ve never heard of it before? Does it mean Christmas Sales?

0605CCThen I limped down into the Slab Square.

The stalls were doing a roaring trade, but the Gypsy looking woman in the little Roast Chestnut box still had no prices on display I noticed?

Plenty of apprentice muggers… I mean children about today.

0606iceaEven the Ice-Rink had attracted some participants to have a go. Some were proficient (Well one anyway), some went on in sandal-like footwear others had blades on.

They even supplied supporting Penguins for the kids to use to help them keep their balance as they whirled around the ice. (See 0606icebphotographs).

They were playing loud jolly music over speakers and folk genuinely seemed to be having a good time without ipod/pads.

Nice to see.

I caught the bus back to Carrington, a very tired and leg weary lad.

As I got off the bus, the smell of cooked food from the chippy… bearing in mind it is nine days since I had a hot meal, proved too tempting and I weakened and went in an got roast potatoes and roast belly pork – rushed home (When I say rushed… I limped a little faster than usual) to keep em warm.

Jolly good too – I got in, WC’s made a cuppa and attacked the fodder.

Now I am belching, have stomach ache and am bloated! (Hehehe serves me right too!) 

Started laptop, and had to go through restarting again before it would allow me access to the internet.

Tsk!

Passing wind and belching a bit still.

Finished an Inchcocks True Tale of Woe about when I was working in security and posted it.

Tired now…

Inchcock’s Diary: Friday 31st October 2014

Friday 31st October 2014

04Th01

I stirred rather sharply (again), at 0240hrs. I sensed a strange nervousness lingering?

Tried my best to get back to sleep without any luck, so read me book. (Oh poetry)

I treated myself to some Jersey full cream milk yesterday – and boy was my cup Yorkshire tea perfect this morning. Must remember to take me morning medications later.

Had a look at the ‘Inch’ – I’m getting fed up with it now, bleeding again!

Not a lot but surely it’s time for the cream to have had some effect?

The laptop let me get much work done this morning. Coreldraw lasted longer before it jacked in as well.

04Th02Took medications around 0445hrs then continued surfing! (Not in the water like)

I got the things ready for the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop and set off on a walk into Sherwood with it.

It stuck me how picturesque the area just quarter of a mile away from home was, and I tooketh a picture of it.

04Th03I wandered on, and decided to take the route along Bingham Road, where long ago I lived on the ground floor of number 30.

And I stood there after taking the photograph and my mind delved back to the many good times I’d experienced then.

I used to take a holiday away every year, met cajoled with Grizelda there, I was able to enjoy a drink, was in the boxing club, the fishing club, played squash or badminton every twice a week, I was so happy in my job then, and I really did enjoy my trusty old pipe… I got to feeling a bit down about it then and decided it was best to carry on my journey and try to forget about it.

04Th04Not easy when the mind wanders off on its own tangents’ is it?

As I got onto Mansfield Road I noticed how many signs there were along that stretch of pavement.

The Church, parking, shop signs, traffic signs etc.

 I pressed on and noticed the Computer shop was open so went in to see if he could help me getting a second hand laptop that could cope with Coreldraw on Vista.

I asked him about the only one on display that was a Vista set-up and he said it would not cope because of the processor. But he had one waiting in the back to be reconditioned and he could make that one okay. He said to call next weekend. So I said I would. I just hope this one lasts that long.

I set off and eventually got to the Hospice shop and dropped off the things.

04Th05Then called in Wilko to get some face clothes, then I could use my current ones to tend to the little ‘Inch’ and throw them away afterwards.

As I neared the end of the walk back to the flea-pit I noticed the place that got burglarised the other day had a new sign up telling folk a security company is monitoring the place. I think that might have been why the police called at the dump yesterday?

As I turned into my street checking for any jobs by taking a circular turn if you know what I mean; I noticed that a gallant giant hard working spider had spun a massive web from the telegraph pole across the pavement to the flat roof of someone’s kitchen! I was amazed. I took a few photo’s in the hope that one might show the size of the web without luck, but one of them did show the giant spider, just. I’ve circled it with yellow ring on this photo. I’ll make it bigger in the hope that you can see the mammoth web he/she was spun. I suppose as soon at gets windy or rains they will lose it after all that hard work. Poor thing!

04Th06

Got in and had a gorgeous cuppa with the full cream Jersey milk.

Started the laptop and updated this diary.

04Th07Made (Well heated) me shepherds pie, had some last day to use crispy bacon rashers with it, a lolly and took some bags of cheese curls and some Viennese rolls with me to nibble later.

I reckon HRM would be jealous yer know!

Inchcock Today: Sat/Sun 11th/12th October 2014

Saturday 11th October

0400hrs: WC. Checked the ‘Inch’ – very little blood, still swollen and looking inflamed. I forgot to put me Clotrimazole cream on (Twit!)

Being as our Jane and Pete had too much on for me to visit them. They do live a full life, and Jane has is doing well, so proud of her.

So I’ve decreed today as an idle stay at home day!

My concentration is not good today for some reason.

Laptop started. Made a cuppa took me medications

I spend an awfully long time doing graphics for later use, perusing the Men’s Left Handed Usage sites etc. (Only joking)

On retiring the ‘Inch’ bed and bled when I applied the cream. Huh!

Sunday 12th October

0701

Wot an odd night! Waking up every few minutes throughout. The porcelain had a good few visits.

Pains in the knees of a new character – when I went to apply me Phorpain gel I realised what they were… Boils!

Oh lucky me.

Bloomin’ cold again this morning.

Came down and put the heater on in the front room. Made a cuppa and took me medications. During which I thought and pondered about me dosages. On the usual medications it says clearly so many to be taken days or nights. But what about the penicillin? It says four a day – is a day 12 hours or 24? Must remember to ask Dr Vindla about this in the morning. And the fact that despite the med’s and cream, little ‘Inch’ is still bleeding away.

0545hrd, Updated this and started working on my next Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe for me Inchcock site.

Got the post finished and posted – toyed on Facebook and did some graphics to post.

A warm wet feeling had encroached on my lower regions… I’d better go and get myself ready for me walk and check out the ‘Inch’ then get beautified in case some lady speaks to me on me ramble. (Hehe… back in a bit… I hope – None did!)

0702Well I’ve got me ablutions finished and very little blood this time. Talking of time, it’s time I was off on me  walk into town.

Set off on it and took a picture of Mansfield Road in Carrington.

Then walked along and noticed the sky looked 0702awonderful this morning, but it was colder than it looked though.

I trundled limping along, with everyone passing me, and there seemed a lot of folk going into town for a Sunday.

0701cWonder what was taking place?

 

As I got nearer town, I noticed the window ledge of House of Fraser had come in handy for somebody last night on their piss-up night out. A contraceptive, fag packet and nub-ends Costa coffee cups and a crushed half eaten food box scattered around. In the phone box further on the same assortment was laying inside?

Clinton Street looked like there was a marathon going on in it, it was that busy.

The many banks ATM’s were busy as well.

0702bSo I took the less busy longer route into the slab square because I could see a couple of mobility scooters mixed in with the crowds on Milton Street.

In the slab square a bit of excitement I thought – seeing a police van, a police car an ambulance and a paramedics car sited on Long Row.

I took a photo or two and approached to see if I could find out what had been taking place – but could see nothing untoward and was very disappointed.

I pondered around a bit and made me way back to Parliament Street via King Street, and there was a demonstration taking place just near Brian Clough’s statue.

It looked like Brian Clough’s statue was cheering them on.

I didn’t find out what it was all about as there were some hecklers to the right of em as I took the photo.

So I decided to walk the long way around again.

That explains the police presence then.

In the square there was many temporary food take-away outlets, some giving off steam and flames as they prepared the many foreign foods for the eager Nottinghamians prepared to pay out the outrageous prices being asked.

Man skateboarders and cyclists belting about all over the place – but none of the police officers around seemed concerned at all.

0703If I’d got a 303 and shot a few they would be I suppose.

I hobbled up Market Street and realised how many of them ‘orrible money grabbing Pay-Day Loan companies had premises on Upper Parliament Street and took a photo of a few.

Some of the signs were approaching liable I think.

“You are not alone – we can help!”

“We buy your gold”

“Cheques Cashed”

“Can we help you – It’s so easy!”

“Loans Guaranteed”

“We buy and sell all items”

“Short Term Loans at fantastic rate!”

“Exclusive Pay-day Loans – No Credit Checks!” etc.

The gullible and poor are being preyed on here! 

And I don’t think it’s right! Moan over now!

0703bI caught the bus back to Carrington, and it was so full and I think the driver was behind because he was doing his best to have the passenger on the floor as he rushed us home.

As we stopped at the traffic lights (much to the displeasure of the driver) I noticed the old Evangelical Church had been sold and they had moved into premised that were obviously cheaper to maintain and run.

If I remember afterwards I’ll Google the new occupants’ name and see if I can find out who they are.

Got off bruised a little, and hobbled back to the hovel.

I updated this tosh, cuppa and medications taken. ‘Inch’ tended to (A bit more blood this time) and got me nosh ready.

Inchcock Today: Saturday 6th Sept 2014

Saturday 6th September 2014

Up at 0500hrs, and blimey I can remember a dream! (Well some of it anyway)

WC.

Me Dream: I was young fit and working at the Co-op store on Parliament Street in Nottingham, and I think I was clearing all the stuff off the shelves into customer trolleys… there was someone there with me who I recognised but have forgotten who now, then I was on Carlton Hill, pushing the loaded trolley to wherever it was to go, and a girl I used to work with in 1962, Rita appeared on the pavement and started talking to me. I became engrossed in conversation with her, and the trolley ran away down the hill.

Suddenly the hill became somewhere else, but I knew it, and chased after the trolley. UsatRossAs I ran on, doors kept opening in both sides of the road and people were calling to me…

A doctor with a beard, turban and a scalpel in his hands: “Come back, we need to operate again…”

My old boss at Scan security Kevin, with ‘Ross’ one of guard dogs we used: “Ross’s here mate, come in and see him, did you bring any pigs ears for him? He still loves em yer know…”

UsatHCbrutBrian, the accountant who ripped me off and put me into bankruptcy when I had the shop: “Sorry, it was nothing personal, come in and I’ll make you a cup of tea…”

The Grim Reaper appeared on a rooftop: “Oi… I’m waiting, get yer arse up ‘ere youth…”

Henry Cooper: “Splash it all over…”

UsatackerAcker Bilk came out of a door, singing “Buona Sera Seniorita”?

There were many others, but I can’t recall them.

I lost site of the trolley as it disappeared into an unrecognised building. I caught up and started searching for it, to find Susan Maughan (Off the song Bobby’s Girl fame, and she married theatre director Nick Leigh, and not me!) emptying the goods from it onto some shelves, she sneered at me “Who the devil are you? Sod off!”

I was amazed that I could remember so much of the dream, very rare that. But, what did it mean? Nowt I suppose, apart form the I’m cracking up?

Started laptop, made cuppa. Took medications.

Started work on some graphics for me later posts, just hoping that BT internet does not start playing up again.

All I did today really was blogging work.

Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe: Part25 Twenty feet below Prince Charles in hospital

Twenty feet below Prince Charles, in the QMC Hospital, Nottingham

Medicated

Inchcock listening to Radio 4 Extra

 I was, lying in a bed in the busy Ward E19 in the Queens Medical Centre, just after having had surgery, to repair a hernia, and treat prostate cancer. I was listening to the radio.

Tubes were extruding from various regions of body.

Particularly cumbersome was the drainage tube from my ‘Inch’, which at that time the bruising had swelled to such a degree I would have been happy to put up with if only it would have stayed that size.

For the life of me I can’t understand how they managed to get a camera and lazer down their!

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Prince Charles, who had the Ward above to himself, with two nurses and a Sister in attendance 24 hours a day – with me 20 feet below in Ward E19, who couldn’t get a bed pan! Bothered, jealous… me?

On the floor directly above the ward, was the ward where that Prince Charles had to himself, and two nurses, and a Sister in attendance 24 hours a day, to have his tennis elbow looked at.

I was lying in extreme physical stress below, pressing the button for twenty minutes to get a bedpan! Then stuggle down the ward with me attachments hanging, to find that that WC was occupied! More later on that one.

The talk of the ward was the imminent arrival of Princess Diana to visit Prince Charles.

As I lay painfully awaiting another bedpan, the staff and patients were more interested in seeing ‘Lady Di’.

A student nurse arrived at my bedside and nervously informed me she had come to remove one of the drainage tubes, the tube from my little used, lesser endowed lonely lower regions.

She set about trying to release the valve to drain the air from it, she was so nervous (not her fault) the more she shook the pain increased – I was about to say something about this, when a great whoops and shouts of “Look it’s LadyPrincess Die” came from those who were looking out of the window down to the ground level outside, and there was a massive surge of staff and mobile patients to the East windows – indeed I feared the building might topple!

GCpoorly

Inchcock – Worried, embarrassed or what?

Unfortunately, and unforgettably my student nurse was amongst those Royalists so keen to see her, and as she ran to the window to join the others, she took the tube with her, leaving me in great pain, and covered in blood and urine!

Afterwards, when she realised what she’d done, the poor thing burst into tears, and begged to be forgiven. Some ‘fully trained’ nurses appeared, and sent for a doctor, who arranged for me to have some X-rays, and I was transported to the radiology department, where I spent a good two hours in a draughty corridor waiting to be seen to.

When I was eventually returned to the ward, I’d missed the meal, and still wanted to use the bedpan!

I climbed into the bed, the nurse reminding me drink plenty of water all the time to get my bladder working.

I got my book out to read, by the time I’d read a chapter, I felt a warm wet sensation appeared between my legs. A quick peep, and the blood all over me and the bed, I pressed me red button, and eventually someone arrived – and boy did I get a rollicking off of ‘em for making a mess.

They grumpily cleaned up the bed and me, and almost threw me back into the newly cleaned bed.

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Oh dear…

After a few beakers of water were imbibed, I felt the need for the WC – I hobbled painfully trying to stop any leaks, to the WC, it took ages. Unfortunately it was occupied.

I limped walking painfully cross legged to the one at the other end of the ward… it was torture really. As I got in front of the bowl, boy did me bladder release its contents. It was like a fire hose, painfully belting out and hitting the wall behind the WC, and rebounding back at me, covering me in blood, and leaving an outline of my body on the wall behind me!

Embarrassed, oh so embarrassed, I tried to clean some of it up with toilet paper, both rolls were used up in minutes.

By then, they had missed me cause it was time for me medications, and a nurse opened the door and said: “Are you in there Mr … oh good heavens!

I was again cleaned up, and lodged beck into the bed.

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Inchcock was in great fear!

I thought the rollicking I got last time was fierce, but this one made me cringe.

I remember thinking at the time:

“I do so hope that Prince Charles’s tennis elbow was getting better, and he enjoyed his wife’s visit!”