Ode: Life used to be…

Warning: Bubonic plague may seem like a part of the past, but it still exists today in the world and in rural areas of the U.S. and in Asia. The best way to prevent getting plague is to avoid fleas on rodents such as rats, mice, and squirrels.

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ODE: Life used to be…

Full of the dying from the Black Death, Bubonic!
Cause in those days people were thick but stoic,
This Ode will not be in sequence, or chronologic,
Cause I’ve got arithmophobia, to me, they’re acrostic,
I imagine in times prehistoric,
Cave dwellers were less prone to be phobic?

The caveman club was used automatic,
To fight with others, they say… and things domestic…


When a bloke wanted him and her to get at it?
Nowadays, it’s a counsellor? It’s not so dramatic!

In my young days, romance for me was minimalistic,
As were and still are, my tools used only periodic,
I think this Ode is getting confused, semantic?
Cause I think I’m becoming a smidgen autistic?

You know, I used to be somewhat nomadic,
Walking, then on my bike, a Raleigh classic,
Then the motorbikes, I was very enthusiastic,
Bought a three-wheeler – a Robin made of plastic!
Several four-wheelers, then a 4×4, fantastic!
Now no more, I’ve moved on up to a walkingstick,
Heart replacement, Cancers, Stroke, I’ve been sick!

A new walker guide, I’ve named it Dominic!
Deaf-as-a-post, I can’t hear it, the traffic!

Nowadays, so many folk Islamophobic some Israelophilic,
A reading of 168 this morning for the systolic,
A low reading of 54 for the diastolic?
No longer fit enough to be peripatetic,
In fact, life can at times feel rather pathetic!.

Seeing old photos of me can be ironic,
Even if I felt at the time supersonic!
The losses can make one feel threnetic,
This is Susan, she was warm and athletic!

Things so changed, using so much antiseptic,
My hair has gone, the mind too, and I’m feeling asthmatic,
Shaking all over, deaf, diagnosed a diabetic!
There’s little left of my body that’s authentic!
The nurses who call are sweet and charismatic!.

The carers visit, although it’s not automatic…
A few of them are disinterested and apathetic,
Most of them are kind, one even erotic!.
At times have a natter, albeit we can act idiotic!

Next week, I’m going for treatment, electrotherapeutics,
Not sure what it means, but it sounds futuristic,
It worryingly also sounds sadomasochistic,
For my Peripheral Neuropathy, I like the therapeutic,
I hope I get a mug of tea and a biscuit?

I’m a bit concerned about this! Hahaha!

Part of the Inchcock Make ‘Em Laugh-In Rhyme Series

Inchcock’s Visit to Doctor Frazakerly

My Most Memorable Visit To The GP, Ever!

My regular GP was 82-year-old Doctor Foley,
Who I rarely needed to call and see,
I went this time with blood in my pee,
I arrived and logged in with Nurse Emily…
Who said there a locum today, Doctor Frazakerly,
I waited my turn, reading a magazine called Jamboree,
The semi-naked girls in it surprised but sated me.

Emily called out, “Next patient, the Doctor is free!”
I entered the surgery of Dr Foley,
Doctor with pipe tobacco on his chest greeted me,
Told him my problem, “Lay on there, we’ll have a see…”
“Blimey,” he said, You’ve got a little one just like me!”
Hmm? Methought, this could get somewhat tacky?

He took a long time examining Little Inchie,
Should I make a dash now to get free?
I liked his gossip, though, familiar words, not snotty,
He swore a bit and declared his love of Notts Country,
So we spoke a while and assessed recent results in football?

Got me off the bench, telling me he used to live in Dundee,
Got me to strip to the waste… “Does he fancy me?”
The stethoscope was utilised, breath in, out for me…
Blood pressure taken told me to provide some wee…
My wee-weeing, he said he needed to see…
Came with me the WC…
The flow was bloodless and trouble-free.

He examined things again, we returned to the surgery,
Checked out my piles and then the boil on my knee,
He was pleasantly taking his time unctuously,
Check the lungs, tapping and chatting away cheerfully,
He cleaned his pipe, refilled it and said with some glee…
“You’re a delivery driver?” Showing his dedication and coactivity…
He wanted to do a grope test, for Hernias? I did agree…

He took his time while mentioning the new Notts County goalie,
Told me the East stand price is going up to 1/3d (5½p)
Eyed in my earholes, checked sight on the card, Blimey!
Thorough? I’ve been in here for about an hour and forty,
That’ll make me popular; I may get a thump, certainly vulgarity…
From the other patients, they’ll be going looney!
Getting dressed when all done, he even helped me!
Thanked him and left; I didn’t wait around… I did flee…
Missing trouble with the patients, homeward in haste I was bound!

I rushed straight back to the house, and my fiancee,
Got halfway there… I’d left the bike outside Dr Foley…
I wailed like a banshee!
Annoyed at my stupidity!

Part Of The Inchcock True Life Make Them Laugh Series

Inchcock’s Tips & Advice – In Ode

They incarcerate the wealthy youngsters here now, aged only 50, a pity,
Cause with my handicaps, now I’m not so nifty,
Then there’s my ticker, neuropathy, deafness and cecity,
But I’m not jealous, bothered or show any causticity,
I have Whoopsidangleplops, Accifauxpas and await the next atrocity,
To survive in here, you must not show any mordacity,
Indeed, you must forget to display any animosity!

Anyone arriving wishing to survive will find the tips and advice in ode below, of some value, I hope… Good Luck!

WHAT TO EXPECT, DO AND SURVIVE

Put to the back of your mind, hopes, plans or anything ambitious,
With leaking windows… it helps to know about being amphibious,
If you are old or ill, some of the Carers are delicious!
Get in with them for any chance of being auspicious!
Resist doing anything whatever that could be audacious!
Make sure you cannot be considered cretaceous,
For depressions in here are somewhat enormous,

No matter what you do or say, it’ll be classed as contentious,
Don’t ever mention the balcony’s winds being blusterous,
Or not being able to hear the fire alarm being hazardous,
Cause they’ll fit you a pillow shaker alarm, it’s not desirous,
It runs on Wi-fi, the false alarms are regular and continuous,

Advice for the intercom and heaters are both contradictious,
Understanding them, you need to be intelligent and perspicacious,
Act a thicko with thick skin, should certainly be advantageous,
One benefit, mind, if you are ill enough, the nurses are curvacious!
You’ll be too old, so no opportunities to try to get amorous!

Contemptuousness and sarcasm seem to be contagious,
Another thing, silence can prove somewhat meritious,
Forget about being doing right and being conscientious,
Best to concentrate, on just staying alive and conscious,

Faux pas and Whoopsiedangleplops, try to keep uncomplicitous
Tending towards being garrulous can be jeopardous,
To anyone not wanting to be sneered at by those sequacious,
Never show signs of being boisterous,
Best to stay looking bored and innocuous,
They like it that way, and when you get on the wrong bus!

No need to worry if you are regularly flatuous,
I assure you that affliction affects 90% of us!
If the nurse calls cause your bottom’s furunculous,
Grit your teeth, and try to look hebetudinous!
Try not to overdo the acting humorous,
Never gossip about anything calumnious!
Or you may find yourself considered complicitous!

Part Of Inchcock’s Make Em Laugh-In-Ode Series

Inchcock’s Hillarious Dream, In Ode!

With an old girlfriend, Ivy, we were necking in a twin-kayak,

In the University grounds pond, and Ivy gave me a whack!

Being a Gentleman, I didn’t hit her back,

I asked her, why the heck did you attack?

Did you put this in my pocket? (It was a stickleback),

I said, let’s heat it up and have a snack?

Ivy shouted, ‘No, put it back!’

This spaceship came down, as I was tickling a pollack,

Next moment I was in a prison cell? Oh, Gack!

To reality, I could not get back,

Befriended a rat, I called him Mack,

No one about, no food, what’s the crack?

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

A voice from nowhere, “Do not get exacerbated!”

You will be investigated and accommodated,

We mean no harm, but stupidity must be eradicated.

With that, my brain was confuscated!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Back to the cell and Mack, for a little while,

I was not sad, but I’d forgotten how to smile!

An alien brought me a cup of tea, camomile,

One said in perfect English, “You seem very vibratile?”

I thought to myself, does he mean versatile?

He called me names, and got very scurrile,

He walloped me and threw me on the shagpile,

The other said I was infantile and unfertile…

We’ll do an autopsy on you in a while!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

“He’s got damage in here that’s been repaired?”

“His vision and hearing are impaired…”

“Yet, he doesn’t seem in the slightest bit scared?”

“Scarred, yes. Just grabbed his todger, and he’s not angered?”

“His brain functions, and thoughts seem so scattered?”

“See the stomach? It seems blocked and matted?”

“He lies there as if it, nothing mattered?”

“Well, I’m really bewildered…”

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Best take him back, put him in the vestibule…

“Gawd!” “Just look at his minuscule mating tool”!

“His brain tells me he’s missed a lot of school…”

“I wouldn’t bother mate”, I screamed, “it’s a dream, you fool!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Part Of Inchcock’s Make ‘Em Laugh Series

Inchcock Gets Cosmetical & Medical Upgrade!

Billum from near Ohio said he could help me,
Said that he’d create medicines to make me feel pain-free!
And operate, to make me look less ugly & scary,
Of course, this could not be done for free,
There would be a discounted $150,000 fee!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The Consultation

Nothing to worry about at all, he told me,
It’ll be painful, but very luckily,
You’re used to agony and have tolerability,
You’ve paid now, so no revocability!
Owt goes wrong, and I reject any accountability!
It may take a while, so first, you must take a wee-wee,
Operating, I don’t want to get sprayed with pee,
HRH Lisa will be assisting me!

They gave me an Aspirin and a shot of Drambuie,
They started; I prayed there would be no Whoopsies…
Or that I’d come out looking like a chimpanzee,
I wasn’t worried, not to any degree,
I could soon be pain-free and good looking? Yipee!
As I drifted off, I could see HRH Lisa, looking at me,
They told me I came around the following Tuesday!
But no mirrors could I see?
Billum said you look fine, you should write a ditty,
And gave me a mug of Glengettie!
No time for chinwag or causerie,
“I must fly, another patient waiting to see me”,
With that, off he did flee!
I joined Lisa on the settee,
She was very kind to me,
Gave me a mirror, I saw the reality…
Still, yer don’t like to complain, do yer?

Inchcock’s Trip to Nottingham wiv his camera! Comments in bad rhyme!

2Tue28

Inchcock’s Trip to Nottingham

1Mon05

I started out on my trip to town today,

I got through to the lifts, to my dismay,

The elevators all 12-floors below,

I waited patiently before I could go,

I had the scenic view to peruse, though!

1Mon05a

Walking through the link-passage again,

Welcomed by the pouring rain,

Trapped my fingers in the swipe-door, the pain!

I chatted with Angela and Elaine,

Out to get wet, but didn’t complain,

T’was nice to get out of the flats again!

1Mon05b

Off the bus, greeted with a jogging student’s glare,

I just tossed him back, a similar stare,

The rain worked its way, through my jacket,

I wouldn’t mind, but it cost me a packet!

Nottingham City Centre, I wondered why I ever went there!

1Mon06

I remembered though, it was to buy food, starting at Aldi first,

 I hobbled my way down a rainy Glasshouse Street,

At the shop, I bought a lot of fodder, even some Bratwurst,

Then paid, wandered off, for my spending was incomplete,

To Bargain Buys, they’d no potato cakes, that made me curse!

1Mon07

Mansfield Road, rain and Pavement Cyclists abound!

Next a bloke on a Lambretta, I cursed, and moved on,

Nottinghamian’s serenity, smiles, were not to be found,

As to Trinity Square, I was soggily bound!

En route, this bit of Street Art below, I found,

1Mon06a

It lay there, wet, upon the ground,

On Old Street, it was found,

Broken bottles nearby, a battleground.

I moved away, like a limping greyhound!

1Mon08

I got through Trinity Square, left via Kings Walk.

Not many folks about at all?

No one to say hello to, or talk,

Then we had a little rain squall!

1Mon09

Parliament Street had a few more folks around, I have to say,

Unemployed, Students, shoplifters, muggers, no policemen though.

The rain started pouring heavier, not a nice day,

So many eateries in one place, how do they all make any dough? (Hahaha!)

1Mon09b

Down Market Street, I did wobble along,

The rain temporarily having stopped,

I think I sang a joyful song,

The tram gave out a melodic ‘Klong-Klong’,

I might use this photo later, as a ‘Thoughts’ backdrop!

1Mon10

A damp Slab Square, where did the people go?

Is it the rain, are Social Services Inspectors lurking?

Which department are they from, if so?

After illegal immigrants, or claimants working?

A mystery to me, I don’t know.

1Mon13

Nottingham’s cheerless Wheeler Gate, depression flowed,

My target, in Turquoise, the Poundland shop!

Competing coffee shops each side of the road,

Staff sneering at each other, as a goad!

I came out of Poundland, with a massive load,

Two bags on the trolley handles, it went all over the road,

I spent so much, I wondered how much I owed!

1Mon14

To the bus stop home, along South Parade,

Though the tatty, unkempt Slab Square,

A slight Accifauxpas, I’m afraid I made,

The rain started again there,

Got my brolly out, the one for which £10 I paid,

It fell to bits, and to be right and fair,

  I couldn’t bend down, so I left it there!

1Mon14a

Over the Slab Square, to the King Street/Long row junction,

Where the brain struggled to function,

I had a Dizzy Dennis cumulation,

1Mon14b

When the head cleared, and the brain regeared,

With admiration for architect Watson Fothergill grew,

Just looking at his work, my heart cheered.

1Mon14

On the way up Queen Street, the trolley-walker veered,

Very nearly tipping over, that’s something I feard,

It became so unruly, it understeered,

By gum, I thought, this is weird!

Ah, a big-clump of chewing gum from the wheel was cleared,

I must say, I was greatly cheered!

2Tue30

Thank You

WDP 003j2

Inchcockski: Searching for Sanity & Logicality – In bad Rhyme!

Gerald James Timothy Algernon Archibald Inchcock

The Nottinghamian lad knows he is losing it, big time.

Mentally and physically, getting help is hopeless,

 He gets uptight, but he’s completely harmless,

Depressed, untidy, ill and charmless,

He can’t commit suicide, he ain’t got the time,

Even his words don’t properly rhyme!

 

WDP 1Lda

Inchcock: Sadly searching for Sanity

Somewhere, in his tortured labyrinth of a brain,

Lies logic, intelligence, but he can’t find them today,

The brain is active but rarely reliable or decisive,

Also, hesitant, feeble, and the memory’s gone away,

 Some details it retains, and admires he does say,

Mostly about medications, Red Dwarf and Will Hay,

 But his desire, longing for sanity, will not go away!

 

WDP 1L

 However, his efforts, hopes and plans are derisive,

 The mentality-seeking strategies are not conducive,

At least not for 74 years… that’s including today,

He redoubled his spiritual side, and started to pray,

Again in hopes, he’d be semi-sane again, one day,

He talks to his EQ, that’s hyper-sensitive.

 

WDP 1Lcb

He wrote to an Agony Aunt, that was digressive,

 He revealed all, and thought that was impressive!

She said she couldn’t help, and she was sorry,

But why did she throw herself under a lorry?

Inchy thought that was a touch impulsive and excessive!

Regaining logicality, will he ever find a way?

Or remain an idiot, until his dying day?

Another thing, why do his wee-wees always over-spray?

 

This blog was produced without a warning disclaimer.

No claims made for any educationalistical prowess of the author.

Donations and mental assistance will be gladly accepted.

In the event of the writer snuffing it, kindly donate to the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, Nottingham Branch. 0115 999999.

Thank You

WDPT02L

‘Bonkersness’ An everyday pleasure for old folk!’

2019 April 17

It’s a shock, when you wake up, not feeling unwell,
Take your medications, and rub in the Pain-Gel,
The heart monitor might well need a new Duracell,
You wonder around without clothes on, au naturel,
But you don’t realise, till someone does tell.

You and youngsters are on a different parallel,
You worry about your leaks, do they really smell?
Will someone be waiting for you, down in hell?
Sticks to your dentures do marzipan and caramel!

You’ve a shoebox flat to live in now and dwell.
But you call it an apartment, so your pride can swell!
Retentativeness goes away, you’ll forget how to spell,
Your short term memory will never again excel!
Steps, climbing, will make you fear any stairwell.

Doctors, dentist, you’ll be part of their clientele,
Podiatrists, Opticians, analyst, maybe the as well?
Audiologist too, you’ll not hear your phone or doorbell,
Psychoanalyst, avoid talking about your death-knell,
Well, they have a profit to protect, and service to sell.

We’ll lose our logicality, patience and sense of smell,
And when the time comes for to heaven to travel,
Here’s the really-surprising bombshell,
We can’t take clothes with us, even if they’re brocatelle,
No knick-knacks of gold, silver or tortoiseshell,
But I ain’t got none, anyway – so farewell!
I wonder if I’ll see Dad, Mam, or maybe a pterodactyl?

 

2019 Aug 01

Inchcock Today – Saturday 13th July 2019: Turned out to be a lonely, but betterer day.

2b

2019 July 13

Saturday 13th July 2019

Welsh: Dydd Mawrth Rhagfyr 6

01:15hrs. I stirred awake, and fought off the depressionalistic mood, lingering from yesterday’s calamity of the power-cut, and the ensuing problems it gave me. I pondered on what I could do about the weekend meal for Josie. After some consideration, I decided that I will not have the time to get down into Sherwood to get some potatoes and back again. I tried instant cheesy mash with added onions, well burnt in the oven after mixing, a couple of weeks ago, and Josie said she enjoyed it, as I recall. So I’ll try that again. This should give me time to get the blog updating done, and maybe some photo adding and TFZ Facebooking as well.

The wee-weeing needs arrived later than usual. They normally come within seconds of waking up.  I escaped the warming but uncomfortable grip of the second-hand, £300, c1968, rusty, rickety, grotty-beige coloured, sometimes working recliner, got my balance quickly enough and a few paces to the surprisingly well filled overnight EGPWWB (Emergency Grey Plastic Wee-Wee Bucket), and had a releasing of a WYSAOWW (Weak-Yet-Spraying-All-Over-Wee-Wee).

WDb 128.0.0 During the emptying of the bladder, I got a sensation that I imagine is what myiasis must feel like; worms wriggling about from the innards? It stopped along with the termination of the process.5Sat01

I took the bucket to the kitchen and got it emptied and sanitised. I returned to the Junk-Room-Two, and as I was struggling with the sock-glide, I noticed how odd the right leg looked. It doesn’t come out well in the photo I took. But I seemed to have many extra spider veins on show above the knee. It reminded me 6Sat03of an old map. Haha!

Then I spotted signs of some nocturnal itching on the lower part of the leg. I cannot remember scratching at it at all. As indeed, I cannot recall any visits to the Emergency Grey Plastic Wee-Wee Bucket, that was so full this morning. 6Sat02Perhaps one or more of the blood papsules had burst. Then again, there were no signs of any bloodied paper towels about or in the bin, anywhere? Mmm!

I did the health checks, DIA 74, SYS 58, Pulse 91 and Temperature 34.2°c. Took the medications and made a brew of tea, and took it with me to the computer. Only to find that… once again.

Virgin (4a)

It came back on, but it was so slow. This happens so often nowadays with Virgin Media, and is so angrynoying! Humph!

6Sat01I spent such a long time sorting the flipping internet out and working in a fashion again, the mug of tea went cold on me!

I popped back to make another brew. While the kettle boiled, I had another wee-wee. This time of an ELDOP (Extra-long-Drawn-Out-Persistent) mode. Another change in style. I don’t know what to expect each time I utilise the 5Sat02Emergency Grey Plastic Bucket! Tsk! A life-saver sometimes this bucket is!

I took a ‘blind’ picture out of the new kitchen windows. That is light & view-blocking, have glass that cannot be reached for cleaning. camera-hating wide ledges that make it necessary for step-ladders to be used and fallen off of, to take a photo below, or look to see if any emergency vehicles are outside, in the rare event that I can hear the fire alarm when it activates. Incidentally, I can’t hear the new intercom either, when someone calls to be allowed in. This might be fun on Tuesday when the INR nurse is due!

WDb 128.0.0 When I got back to the computer, Colin Cramps paid me a visit and stayed for a while distorting the muscles in the leg and foot, and testing my pain-resistance almost to the full. Being in such pain, reminded me about yesterday’s Porcelain Throne agony, and I fetched and took an extra Senna tablet with the tea.

Next time the wee-wee was back to the ELDOP (Extra-long-Drawn-Out-Persistent) style. In the time it took to pass, the morning had gotten lighter, and my moustache grew a bit. Hahaha!

Damned weekend again, here we go with Virgin…

Virgin 128.0.0

Somehow or other, I avoided psychasthenia, putting up and coping with the jumping about fingers, and shoulder, and Mr Fries best efforts to knacker my plans, I got the updating finished and posted off. Phew!

6Sat03aI found myself chatting away with Koala Katie and Scruffy as I was carrying my next visit to the bucket. Another change in style again. This time it was a WYSAOWW (Weak-Yet-Spraying-All-Over-Wee-Wee).

It’s a good job there is no CCTV camera in the flat while I am talking to the pets. Hehe!

Got the ablutions done. There was a programme on Radio Four Extra. It was the last radio programme ever, to get more listeners, than anything on TV did on the same day! The science fiction programme was written by BBC producer Charles Chilton. From 1953, when it was broadcast on the old BBC Light Programme, which became BBC Radio Two. By gum, it took me back listening to that while I shaved and had a shower!

I could see the back yard at Brookfield Place where Dad and I lived at the time. His homemade cobbling bench out in the yard next to the railway viaduct, the tin bath up on the wall next to the yard-brush, the pigeons and sparrows swooping down for the food Mrs Wright gave then each day, the sparrows being too quick for the pigeons. The outside toilets and coal houses. Poor Mr Holmes, Chrissie and Rover. Ah, we had nowt, but it was a good life! (Well, not really, but it sounds it). Hehe!

I called at Josie’s, to find out what time she fancied having her meal. But no answer.

I sent some pictures to the Pinterest site, then got on with this blog. After a while, I nipped to see Josie again, no reply.

Back to the blogging for an hour or so, then called on Josie once more. She heard the chimes and answered. We had a doorstep, rumourmongering, tittle-tattle, conversation. She let me gripe on about yesterday’s mayhem. She’s been out all day, and knew nothing of it, but was sympathetic, bless her. She does not want any fodder today, she is going out with her Sisters, but tomorrow at 12:00hrs will suit her fine. So it will be! Farewells and back to the computer to update to here. Then, onto TFZer and Facebook photo galleries updating.

Oh, sod it!

Virgin (4a)

6Sat29The nosh was prepared. I purposely used the old large plastic dish, as the hands and fingers, well, the shoulders and leg as well, were making frequent performances of dancing, jiggling, stamping (the leg) and shaking. So I thought I might cope better with the big bowl, in the event of there continued unruliness! I find it harder than ever to manage when I am feeling so exhausted. The flavour was not so good with the bacon, but the chilli-con-carni was delightful. The overall rating was 5/10.

I put on a Jonathan Creek DVD. After several dropping offs and wakenings, then I gave up. And it was early even for me. But the lack of sleep over the previous disastrous few days, I thought I might be too overtired to sleep – but no. I was off in the land of nod, dreaming a lot, but sleeping for over six hours! Great!