Inchcock’s Local News Snippets

Visitors to Nottingham, please take care,
They’ll be violence, so please be aware,
Knifings, we’ve more than our fair share,
Murderers, muggers, things are austere!

At night, folks go out for fun and cheer…
They’ll drink anything, gin, absinthe or beer,
Then they’ve no inhibitions, nothing to fear,
Until they start to feel odd and queer?…
Drugged without knowing it, poor dear!

Club girls may get spiked and get dizzy and quave,
Mugged, car stolen, or kidnapped and used like a slave…
You can get your pocket-picked on roads and alleyways…
Molesting, stabbings, shootings, anytime or ways…
Not many policemen around to help nowadays!

If you’ve been to Nottingham before, had a few stays,
You’ll be able to vaticinate our criminality & illegal ways,
But Nottingham has some things worthy of praise…
I’ll think of something one of these days…
Oh, and we have many prison breaks, escapes and runaways!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Inchcock’s Local News Snippets

15 years for manslaughter for McGhee?
Life for the other two scumballs, see?
Killer Cox got life; in ten years, he was set free!
The Justice system is crap.. clearly…
Bet they’ll all be out again to murder freely…
No justice in this; they’ve been sentenced improperly…
Life should be for life, not released early!
Parole is cheaper for HMG, evidently…
129 criminals have been freed (UK) to kill again, freakily!
It’s the Judges and Parole Board that are guilty!

Fourteen pathetic months! Are the Judge and or Lawyers taking bribes or just the piss! Weapons, drugs, abuse, ignoring the court’s restraining order… already committed 33 offences, and the namby-pamby on the bench slaps his wrist? Is he supplying the inept, corrupt, guilty, ‘Free murderers to kill again’ Parole Board and other officials with drugs then? Grant will undoubtedly be able to build a reserve stock of cheap drugs while he’s inside. He’ll doubtless be freed in six months maximum to attack the lady again… Justice in the hands of cowards!

It seems that Nottingham’s cowardly bullies are turning their attention to easier targets nowadays. Old folk. Time for us old un’s to get tooled up – like the murderers who get life in prison and are freed by the shit-headed, ‘They didn’t mean it’ Parole Boarders a few years later to kill again… But no, better not, if we were to do that and we shot a mugger, we’d get sent down for longer than murderers do. Of course, gang-landers do have the advantages of having the drugs, young ladies and cash to back-hand the (A member working 115 days would be likely to receive between £30,000 to £40,000) murderer-freeing Parole Boarders. Just a thought!

Nine years for a brutal killer? Another pathetic sentence?Might be a good idea to let him board with his Parole Officer when he gets out in four years?

Tried and sentenced at last. Five years & nine months, plus an eight-month concurrent sentence for fraud. Nice!

I imagine that Daniel is laughing all the way to this prison after getting this sentence? He’ll be out within 7 months, I reckon?

At least they are keeping the crud-nuts in custody!

Oh, Dear, Oh Dear!

VERY NICE!

The “Zimmer Frame Squeak’s” Pop Group formed by Inchcock

Nottingham Pensioner inspired by Englebert Humperdink’s comeback!

EH02Arnold George Dorsey was born in Madras one of ten children to British Army NCO Mervyn Dorsey, who was of Irish descent, and his wife Olive, who was of German descent.

His impression of Jerry Lewis prompted friends to begin calling him “Gerry Dorsey”, a name he worked under for almost a decade. A name-change to the more arresting Engelbert Humperdinck, borrowed from the German 19th-century composer of operas such as Hansel and Gretel. Dorsey adopted the name professionally.

On 1 March 2012, the BBC announced that Humperdinck would represent the United Kingdom in the final of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012.

Juan found out about this in 2014 during one of his rare moments of awareness.

Henglebert Eumperdink’s return to sing in the Euro-vision Song Contest for England, has inspired the Nottingham pensioner and former Bottle Cork Tester Juan Inchcock to form a musical group from within his Nottingham City Hospital Rehabilitation Group members.

EH01

Manager and lead singer of the group Inchcock (69) commented on the forming of the group to our reporter Lint Onitt:

“The group currently consists of Arthur Itis (71), Cis Titus (60), Anne Gina (67), Con Genital (59), Ed Imma (82), Dee Zees (63), and Harry Thmia (63), but of course any one could pop their clogs at any-time, so we have a few reserves to replace them as and when we do drop off like.”

We waited while Mr Inchcock coughed up some blood-laced black gooey phlegm, limped to the WC to pass water, returned looking pale and shaky, smiled, adjusted his hearing aids and then continued:

“Our first recording is a mix of Bernard Bresslaw’s ‘They were making mad passionate love’, Bernard Cribbin’s ‘Right said Fred’, and Morecome & Wises ‘Boom Oooh Yatatata’, with a backing sounding similar to ‘Your a Pink toothbrush, I’m a blue toothbrush’ from Max Bygraves.”

EH03

I was flabbergasted, Juan had caught my attention with that statement.

Mr Inchcock scratched at his impetigo, and picked at the welts on his hands for a while, hobbled to the WC again, and returning muttering to himself about the Outer Mongolian Gungo bean crop being down by 2.6% in 1969, rubbed his arthritic knees then added:

“Although some parts of the recording were originally made in 1959, we think this song will impress the younger generation – when we first played it to the Rehabilitation staff here at the centre, they were speechless!”

He struggled to the WC, continuing when he returned covering his flies area with his welt covered finger bent crooked hands:

“And the sound is original too, not many songs out there that are recorded using a bazooka, comb and paper, and live recordings from the operating theatre!

We call our group ‘The Zimmer Frame Squeak’s’…”

At this point Mr Inchcock coughed, went white, passed wind and collapsed in a flabby heap on the floor, and was collected by the porters, carried to the WC and then taken out through the back doors.

Group member Arthur Itis (71) called out “Right I’ll take over now, we’ll do Bill Hayleys ‘Rock around the clock instead now Juan’s clocked out!”

If he survives, we will try to bring you more on this new old genre in music!

Inchcock answers Local radio presenters questions on Old Age

Juan Inchcock, the retired Gas Lamp Wick Trimmer from Nottingham, yesterday took part in a local radio programme where he was asked questions on growing old OAP01and the consequences involved.

He arrived at the studio in his pyjamas as if to make a point to the interviewer Shirley Blamey. She was not impressed and they drove him home to take his medications and change into his jump suit.

They returned to the studio where she sat him down on a commode and began her questions:

1)

Q: Where can guys of 68 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: I look in the library under Romantic Fiction.

2)

Q: How can a man cope during his wife’s menopause?

A: Blowed if I can remember!

3)

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 68+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she’s with child.

4)

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don’t wear a brassiere. The additional hanging “weights” should take out the wrinkles.

5)

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

6)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

7)

Q: Do Senior Citizens have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoons!

8)

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads usually.

9)

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by Senior Citizens when they visit antique shops?

A: ‘Oh, I have one of these at home!’

10)

Q: What is the most common things that Senior Citizens lose trust in?

A: Politicians, the human race, and emissions’ of wind from their anus’!

11)

Q: What do Senior Citizens think of the Prime Minister?

A: This will vary, depending on if you mean Harold Wilson or Ted Heath!

12)

Q: Do Senior Citizens like modern music?

A: Well, from Nat King Cole up to Elvis and maybe the Beatles yes.

13)

Q: What would Senior Citizens be most likely to give children at Christmas?

A: Arsenic, mouthwash, or a gag.

14)

Q: What foods do Senior Citizens miss most?

A: Beef dripping sandwiches, tripe, dried eggs and pigs trotters!

14)

Q: Why do Senior Citizens take so long to get on a bus?

A: They need time to make sure of what day it is, the number of the bus, are they wearing their slippers or shoes, and why they were getting on the bus in the first place!

15)

Q: What would Senior Citizens most like to receive from children for Christmas?

A: Peace and quiet!

16)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still believe in Santa Claus?

A: Well some still believe in David Cameron!

17)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still bath/shower as often as they used to?

A: Bath.. shower?

18)

Q: Do Senior Citizens still watch Crime series on TV?

A: Not since Dixon of Dock Green and Z Cars, no!

19)

Q: Where do Senior Citizens visit most often?

A: The toilet, the Doctors, the Hospital, and Health Centre!

20)

Q: Who visits Senior Citizens the most often?

A: Care workers, Ambulance Crews, Debt collectors, and burglars!

Of course, these answers only apply to myself, but should give some guidance to the ankle-biters.

21)

Q: Are there any things Senior Citizens do with any greater frequency?

A: Oh yes… Forget things, urinate, attend funerals and limp.

22)

Q: Do you really feel tired more often?

A: Yes, it starts when the alarm clock goes off!

23)

Q: How does your home life change when you reach 68 years of age?

A: You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.

24)

Q: Do your views on anything change?

A: I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy

25)

Q: Do you still go jogging Inchcock?

A: In my day jogging had something to do with the memory.

26)

Q: Do you still believe in a good brisk run daily?

A: No… I have a few brisk sits instead now.

27)

Q: Do you need to use Viagra nowadays?

A: Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn’t enhance sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

At this point Inchcock began having involuntary mass escapage of wind and the studio was abandoned.

♫ An Inchcock’s lot is not a happy one (Happy one)… ♫

Lot top

An Inchcock’s lot is not a happy one (Happy one)…

This may make very sad reading, I think you will agree,

It’s not for Inchcock, a holiday on the Aegean sea,

A hobble to feed the ducks on the canal is what it’ll be,

He lives on dry bread and out of date beans or mouldy brie,

You cannot call him educated or a bourgeoisie,

He looks like a demented overweight limping pygmy,

He’s old and decrepit, for his coffin he’s now ready,

Gets as much respect as a Brooke Bond chimpanzee,

He puts up with insults, innuendo and much phooey,

Many including himself questioning his sanitation and sanity,

His Brother in law thinks it is time to have him put down gently,

His arthritis and angina make him gobble vitamin B,

He hobbles around talking to himself each day,

 Arthritic knees, and his waterworks are getting leaky,

The eyes and hearing are going, and he’s got dropsy,

His pension is limited although not measly,

How long his new heart will last, we can’t guarantee,

He craves a woman – he’s more chance of winning a grand prix!

Death is not unwelcome to Inchy – it will set him free,

From being bullied, ignored and mugged badly,

Before he goes, perhaps just one plea?

Before he gets to meet Hitler and Elvis Presley,

Please give him in heaven, a nice settee,

His earth house is too small to get one into you see,

Oh, and some another things he’ll miss clearly,

The cups of nice strong flavoured Yorkshire tea,

His bladder’s endless calling him to painfully pee,

The insults, the snubs and muggings he has to decree,

His daily hobbles, when he has the vitality,

His fear of Mobility scooters, he’s been hit by three,

His nervousness of going out when it’s icy or slippery!

If you want a consultation with him, anytime it’ll be free,

Don’t call him though, he’s been cut-off by BT.

Thank you matey

GCyoungreen

Anyone wanting a copy of me ‘Don’t get feeling down, you might not drowned’ booklet, I have a few copies left at a reduced price from £9.99 down to 2p

Gang of 70-Year Olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorising Orlando Tourists

Crotch 02This post is one of Patti Beckert’s masterpieces. She is an excellent humour blogger from America. It is posted here with her kind permission. Patti, has gone through an awful lot of pain with medical problems, and the way she accepted the situation brought me to love her and her blogging style and content. At the bottom are some graphics I did a few years ago, from Daily Lessons she used to let me post. Thanks Patti. I hope you all enjoy this one, particularly as it contains my dreaded Mobility Scooters! Please enjoy, I reckon it’s a cracker… just like Patti. TTFN

Gang of 70-year olds on Mobility Scooters Terrorizing Orlando Tourists

Crotch 04The streets of some of Orlando’s most popular tourist destinations are being randomly terrorized by a gang of septuagenarians on mobility scooters. The gang, calling itself the 7 T’s, has so far escaped the law by ducking into restaurants during early bird special time, removing their gang regalia in the bathrooms, and then ordering meals consisting of 10 oz. ribeyes, a salad, and two sides, all for a portion of what they would pay after 6 p.m.

Eyewitness reports say the gang has equipped its scooters with little black flags emblazoned with the skull and crossbones design and their name, the 7 T’s. While no one has been able to pin down a member of the gang to ask where the name came from, word in local assisted living facilities is that the original seven members of the gang all had first names or nicknames starting with the letter “T” such as Throttle, T-bone and Tats.

Crotch 03The only other criteria for getting into the gang according to anonymous tipsters is that you must be at least 70 years old, own a relatively new personal scooter that can do at least 10 mph and the guts to run down youngsters wearing funny Disney hats. Evidently, the thrill for this gang is seeing young kids in Mickey ears cry when they are forced to drop their Shamu ice cream sticks on the ground.

 The Orlando area police departments are asking all residents in the area to be on the lookout for these “Hells Angels Has Beens” as one poster calls them. Meanwhile, retired cops from New York who make their winter home in Orlando have been called in to help round up the gang and bring them to justice. One NY snowbird, a former desk sergeant from Brooklyn named Wayne McDuffy, said this about tracking down the gang, “Weah gonna find deez Joisey jagoffs, awright, if it’s da last ting we do,” and added “So waddah you lookin at?”

Some more of Patti’s wit posted here:

Crotch 01

She’s got such good humour?

Continue reading

Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

SS01catYou Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

SS 002You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

SS TVsOn the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

SS 07 12.5pYou Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

SS GC vanYou Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

SS 09 AckerYou Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

SS 08 PipeYou Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.

 

The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!