Inchcock Looking Back at his Mam: In imitation rhyme

G Dec


Reminiscing about our Mam, in Rhyme

Mummy asked the midwife, to throw me in the river Trent,

Looking back, t’was my life’s first big disappointment,

She said she couldn’t afford me and still pay the rent,

From not paying the rent, she never did relent,

Sister Jane, to live with a rich relative, was sent,

Older brother Pete, joined the army to escape the torment!

She also ran away, absconded for years, yes, off she went!

– – – – – – –

I can’t say she was a good Mother or wife nor,

She spent most of her time on the run from the law,

She left Dad and me feeling very sore,

She wanted Bingo, betting, money, more and more,

She’d get it anyway, that was for sure!

– – – – – – –

The police caught her, and off to court she went,

For her crimes of conning folk and not paying her rent,

For character references, she forced an adjournment,

Her victim’s character references avoided her immurement,

Released on probation, they got her a new flat, paying her rent,

Her utility bills were paid too, they made them all obsolescent,

Even those who never got back the money to her they had lent,

Threw a celebration party for her, ignoring her criminal intent,

– – – – – – –

Despite all this, the woman was original in her day,

A con-artist of perfection, I really have to say,

Despite her nicking my stuff and her running away,

She could con anyone instantly without hesitation or delay,

She’d give you her last sixpence or chocolate from her Milk Tray,

Although the tanner and choccy came from one of her prey,

She was a crook but unique, I’d have wanted her no other way!

– – – – – – –

When I snuff it or die as it were,

Once again I’ll hopefully see her,

I anticipate my emotions will stir,

What to me would be the clincher,

Is what would I have on me for her to pincher!

See You in a while Mam XXX

Wed 20.5.15: Inchcock Today: Age UK councillor arrives

Wednesday 20th May 2015


Woke up with a jump and boggled racing mind again: No district nurses to call again any more (Sigh). Mused over the dreams I had but lost all memories as I did – odd that?

WC’d, damned little Inch bleeding again, and the blind boil and skin cancer growth were both very tender.

Took me medications and did me BP test thingy:

Sys 162 Dia 82 Pulse 84 Temp 35.2c.

Started this diary. The laptop was going  very slowly. Coreldraw9 crashed when making the header (Fancy that!).

Had a wash and shave and started to sort out the mass of wiring in the front room. What a tangle! Hey-ho!

Worked away sorting and cleaning and bagging – hours of it – clouted me forehead when bending and got a dizzy.

Well shattered by the time the Age UK persons arrived at 1129hrs.

Steve and Cerium, both nice people.

We talked and decided Steve would come tomorrow to be here when the Assessor comes from the MRBHA. He had to phone them first to see if they could change their appointment time so he could attend the meeting.

I had to take back the syringes to the chemists as I no longer needed them. So I thought I’d get six of the Co-op strong bags to use for me transferring stuff in the event I get the flat like. The chances are looking a bit brighter now I’ve spoke with Steve.

Yesterday BC suggested that I get some of those flat bottomed bags to use in the transfer of stuff. So as I had to go to the chemist to return the syringes no longer required I called in the Co-op and paid for six bags. The idea being to get so many of different stores bags so as to identify stuff for different room s in the new flat like. The Co-op, after I’d paid, found out they only had two in stock – Tsk! So I  said not to bother and got a refund.

IMG_0017Int life a bother?

As I was coming back on Mansfield Road two bobby-cars crossed over to the wrong side of the road to pass the cars stopped at the pelican crossing.

You should have seen the dirty look I got from the woman police-person driver when she passed and saw me taking the photo! If looks could kill I’d been a gonna!

Got back to the dump feeding the pigeons en route to find a letter from Boots Opticians telling me the glasses were ready to be collected. Gawd knows when I’ll get time for that.

And me INR Anticoagulation results – informing me I have to have another test tomorrow – so I’ll have to go to the GP surgery to book it. There’s no way I can fit in or cope with INR test, getting to the opticians, clinic visit and the MRBHA Assessor visitation all tomorrow… but then again…

Not sure what time or if BJ will be calling today. BJ rang and he is not due to come – I got confused again. Huh!

So I set-off to go to surgery then get the bus to town to get glasses and bags.

Be back soon, I hope like…

Well folks, I caught the bus into town, went into Tesco and bought 6 of the flat bottomed bags. The pack of two fresh cream horns seemed to jump into me shopping basket as I passed by them again. Tsk!

IMG_0019I walked through and out of Victoria shopping Centre and across the traffic lights – noticing the suicidal nature of the Nottingham shoplifters… no I mean citizenry, to cross the road against the lights at this junction yet again! Although after loading the photograph I see I’ve missed the red and green lights off of it, I can assure you they were on red for pedestrians. Best of all they don’t even look to see if any traffic is coming, just waddle on with their mobile phones attached to their ear-holes. Huh!

IMG_0021I walked down and into the City Centre.

Took a ‘Moody photo’ of the side of the Council house showing the shadows sky and futility of life… eh? Did I say that?

Straight on from here, across the pedestrian crossing and up to the top of Friar Lane and into Boots opticians to collect me glasses. Had the two gals in tucks with laughter as I found me form and revealed me disasters of the week to them. While doing this the commented on me scar on me head and I had em laughing again – I was enjoying this – until it dawned on me I’d forgotten to call at the GP to try and get an appointment with the nurse to have me INR test done. One of the ladies let me use the phone and got me the number – and I got booked in for the morning at 0930hrs – heaven help me if I forget!

Then I walked down and right into Wheeler Gate and called in the pound shop and got 6 of their flat-bottomed bags with a Donald Duck picture on them.

IMG_0022Out and back through the Nottingham Slab-Square taking a photograph that is here on the right.

Not sure if I had changed any settings on it by mistake, but it came out nothing like I recall the sky being – or is it me new glasses? Hehe!

Over the square and up King Street to the bus-stop and joined the queue for the bus to Carrington.

Slipping the pigeons a few clandestine seeds on the way.

The bus was quiet full and I wish I had brave enough to turn and take a photograph of me fellow passengers as only three of them were not on their mobiles. One lady somewhere near the back was so loud I think the others were shouting to get their message through to whoever they were calling over her voice. Still, I hope she enjoys her Carbonara whatever that is, with Marvin tonight.

IMG_0023Got back to the dump WC visit and set about making me 7 microwave sausages and chopped tomatoes dish.

Had some bread thins to wrap each sausage in and soak up the juice.


I tried to get me head down for a bit, but cramps in me right leg ensured I didn’t get me head down for a bit. Gobbleknots!

Gave up trying to kip and finished this diary.

The reflux valve gave me some scary bother for a while, thought at one stage “Hello, now I kick the bucket just when I’ve got a chance of moving to a warden-aided flat!” TssssK!”

But it stopped again, and the the cramps spread to left leg? Is it because I’m not gerrin’ me walks in? If I remember I’ll ask the Obergruppenführer Nurse in the morning – as I say, if I remember to go…

Let’s see if I’ve got this right… 0939 GP nurse INR test… 1120 Clinic with me bleeding Inch, 1300hrs Steve and the MRBHA assessor coming to see me, 1600hrs pick up prescriptions and phone QMC to confirm appointment… yes that’s all I reckon… ah, got to try and get some sorting done as well… oh dear…

Fri 15 May: Inchcock Today: Hectic and a Frustrating day!

Friday 15th May 2015

Woke up to find I’d nodded off with the laptop left on and me bent over it, the light on and a little disorientated.

Amazing but I could not remember dreaming at all last night.

I stirred and did me BP test:

Sys 163 – Dia 88 – Pulse 80 – Temp 32.3 Looks right to me, must remember to take the log with me when I go to see the Obergruppenführer Nurse this morning at the GP surgery for me INR level tests.

IMG_0210Took a photo of the gloomy sky when I went down to make a cuppa.

Noticed the notes I’d left to remind me what to do today: GP nurse INA 0915hrs – Take BP log, take nibbles – Go to Hospice shop with what I can carry there – Fetch medication from chemist – Fetch reading glasses from boots – Try to do some more clearing up – Nurse coming 1530hrs injection maybe? Call to see BJ. (I got two done)

Now all I have to do is lose the list. Hehe!

Onto the porcelain expecting another slow painful session- but it was alright this time.

Started to finish yesterday’s diary – Laptop mouse sticking a bit? Got it posted and started off this diary.

Coreldraw9 froze again when I was creating this header.

I sat here thinking (Dangerous that I know!) IF I get in this flat – what how do I need to get it right – Curtains, hard bed, fridge-freezer, carpets etc… I’ve got none of these things here, or they are so old and dilapidated they can’t be used again… then I thought: “Hang on mush, you ain’t got it yet, why punish yerself wiv worrying abarght it now?” Of course there was no one to answer me.

I wish sometimes my mind could be turned off to gimme some rest – but no doubt there are millions of proletariats just like wot I am thinking the same? Hey-ho!

Got another urgent call to the porcelain throne – boy have things changed quickly… the runs starting now! Bogglesplonkunblow!

Got missen titivated and set of to the GP surgery with all me gear needed.

I was soon with the nurse – having to explain everything again. She was busy and said she was only allotted a few minutes for each patient, not nasty like, nicely.

Felt guilty asking her about me painful but not seen boil on me bum, she had a quick look and couldn’t see any boil?

Then asked to have a quick look at me BP log reading, she said a few high but others okay.

Then she took me INR blood test and recorded various details on the computer.

Then she gave me the injection into me ticker.

She seemed in a good mood when I left, despite patients waiting to see her being held up my me.

IMG_0212I walked to the chemist to collect me monthly prescriptions, but they weren’t ready. Call back in late afternoon he said. Summat else to forget there!

I’d hoped to get to the Nottingham Hospice Charity shop with some bags but decided I’d never do that and collect me Prescriptions in time to get back in time for the nurses visit.

So I set off on me walk into the City Centre to visit the EE shop for guidance on me ‘orrible new mobile phone and collect me new spectacles. (Yes I lost the IMG_0213other pair!)

The usual collection of Nottingham Pavement Cyclist en-route.

At least this ‘erbert didn’t go over against the lights.

A bit further on there was an altercation going on outside one of the ’24 hour Continental Shop’ – I kept wobbling on not wanting to get involved like, there was a good few fellers involved so no photographicalisationing there.

IMG_0214I know when not to get involved and this looked like such a situation.

I saw the police vehicles with blues and twos going as they passed me on the way to the incident.

I poddled on through Milton Street and across into Clumber Street and down to the EE shop.

Being earlyish there was no customers in IMG_0216the shop and I approached the ankle-snapper assistant who actually yawned when he greeted me.

I asked him if he could show me how to store numbers in the phone and he toyed with it for a few minutes then said – you don’t do it on contacts on this phone (Which he’d just learnt by trying to do so and failed)

He then went through the People option, so quick I had to ask him to do it again so I could write it down. what I ended up with was Press Phone – People – Plus sign – Microsoft account – Type -Disc sign… very helpful… I’ll try it when I get time.

I then asked him how I changed the ring tone and made it louder – his fingers flashed, beeps beeped and within seconds he’s handed it back to be saying “Done that, anything else I can help you with?” as he looked at the ceiling?

I thanked him and got the standard half-hearted “Have a good day” from him. Not the choice of words I fancied that he wanted to say like.

IMG_0217As I walked through the City Centre to go to Boots Opticians I spotted these mannequins in a shop window with the writing: ‘The Groom Goes Free’ – there are some who would not agree with that methinks Hehe.

So up passed the Tram Stop and up to the top of Friar Lane and into Boots Opticians shop.

The spectacles were not ready. (Well fancy that I thought)

IMG_0223I thought I’d taken a photograph of the new stalls appearing in the slab square as I crossed it on me way to Trinity Square.

I hadn’t.

It was supposed to be of the Ostrich steak thingy… this is what I actually took? – Tsk, Twit!

IMG_0220Up to Trinity Square and took a photograph of the upmarket very expensive massive new Harvest Restaurant – you can see how popular it is with the Nottinghomians massed eating al-fresco can’t you?

And this was lunchtime on a Friday too.

IMG_0224Fed the pigeons some seed and meal-worms.

Then wandered painfully down Trinity Walk towards the bus-stop.

The feet and knees had joined the mystery boil in giving me some pain now.

IMG_0219Around the corner and more Nottingham Pavement Cyclist, bless em.

I decided to divert and call at Tesco in the Victoria centre to get some bread, tomatoes and apples while I was in town.

I got a call on the phone but the sunlight prevented me seeing the answer button and it stopped before I could find it. I had a look when I got inside the centre but couldn’t tell which one it was that I’d missed – eventually I found two missed calls with no number to ring back on – Tsk!

IMG_0225Into Tesco.

Came out with me tomatoes and Cox’s apples and a Cheese and Caramelised Tear and Share bread? Looked good to me, and it was £1 on offer.

It’s a complete mystery to me how those two fresh cream strawberry Jam doughnuts could possibly have found there way into me shopping bag!

An total enigma, conundrum and puzzle that is. WWarnLie

IMG_0215Managed to avoid this Pavement Cyclistess who actually made a beeline towards me after I’d taken the photograph!

In ever increasing pains from me bum-boil and feet I made me way to the bus-stop and caught one back to Carrington and the flea-pit.

As I walked down the street to the house, a chap loading his van informed me that two nurses had called to see me and were concerned I wasn’t in. I thanked him.

Realising they must have been me missed call. They had left landline contact numbers yesterday so I called on day time one – engaged, so I made a cuppa and put me things away and tried again – engaged.

Call to the porcelain answered.

I started to update this diary and then tried calling them again and got through. They were not sure if I needed another Anoxiparin injection and I explained I’d had one this morning got at the GP, and I was not in because they told me you would arrive at 1500hrs? She said to wait in near the phone in case they call me with the result of today’s test from the hospital, then we’d know, and to give them a call at 1500hrs either way.

I did mention earlier that’s it getting confusing didn’t I? Haha!

An hour later it got even more confusing!

0501I got me Anticoagulant Therapy result back through the door at 1230hrs! How they did that so quickly I don’t know! It usually takes 1/2 days – it must be serious this time eh! – Tsk! It says to start Enoxaparin shots and to take 3 Warfarin for 3 days then follow the guide on the form.

Then I saw the date… it was for the tests earlier not this morning’s, it said my next Test Date was today… really confusing now innit?

The lid on me new cheapo Asda flask broke so I’d used me expensive one like. But it didn’t keep me tea warm?


I rang the District Nurse as instructed. I told her about the Coagulation result form coming back on the same number I rang earlier. Of course I didn’t get the nurse I got a receptionist – so, as me call allowance on the phone dwindled I had to explain things again and got put through to another nurse – explained things to her. She said she would make arrangements for a night nurse to call around 8 to 10 o’clock and give me the injection but if I get the results from the QMC and I did not need them, ring back and let them know ASAP.

I usually get me head down early to avoid seeing the yobboes.


IMG_0227I made sure me phone was in me pocket in case the QMC rang me with the results and made me way to the chemist to try once again to get me monthly prescription medications, what a day of failed futilities! Hehe!

Set off down to the chemists, the kids were coming out of school – not that that stops any Nottingham Pavement Cyclists from belting passed the school gates. He was In the distance before I got me camera out but he’s there, the Git!

IMG_0228Through the twitchell and as I turned right into Mansfield Road – another unthinking Nottingham Pavement Cyclist caught on camera.

This time an idiot in High School uniform with a Scooterist in tow with him.

Down to the Chemist and asked about me monthly medications – they told me it was the remainder of the Exonaparin syringes that had arrived that they were short of on IMG_0230me prescription for them yesterday. Well that’s put the pan in the fire with the District Nurses, who had naturally thought that because they had seven syringes had arranged for 7 to be given – now we find they’re two more, now I’ve got go through all that explaining on the phone again… That is if me call-credit doesn’t run out first! Huh!

Said me farewells after giving them some nibbles and thanking them and popped into the Co-op to see if they had any pickled beetroots in.

They hadn’t, not that that stopped old spendy-boy here from spending. They had some Cheese and caramelised onion scones and some packs of mixed leaf greens… I weakened again.

IMG_0231Got back to the tip and made me healthy nosh fer the night:

Petit Pois, cheese & onion scones, lettuce, seaweed, tomatoes, cheese and caramelised onion bread, sweet pork loin and followed that by having one of the amazing jump-in-the-bag-on-their-own-accord Tesco Fresh Cream Strawberry doughnuts.

Oh, and a Cox’s Apple.

And very enjoyable it was too – shame about no beetroot but there yer go.

An even bigger shame that I haven’t got any sorting out done – feel bad about that – but now, after a day of frustration and failure I am fully fatigued. But I’ve still got to go on and wait for the night nurse to come later, I’m drained but dare not go to sleep for fear of missing her.

Mind you, I don’t know if I should be having another injection or not yet?

I haven’t heard anything from the hospital Anticoagulation Therapy people – maybe I ought to ring the GP surgery before it closes and see if they have been informed… yes I will…hang on a moment please…

Well, I called them and they do not know either.

She said she would ring me back.

As I said earlier, Hey-ho! What a day.

So tired-out now… waiting, hoping to get the promised call back…

Did some Facebooking…

Read a bit of me D-Day book…

Did some more Facebooking…

Picking my nose now…

Going on YouTube to watch a film, no, no good can’t hear it on this laptop and dare not use the headphones for fear of missing a call from the GP or nurse. Tsk!

Trying a game of Tetris now as I continue to wait…

Fed up now.

Scratched me bum and started me blind-boil stinging. Huh!

Made a cuppa.

Want to go to the porcelain but dare not in case I miss the nurse.

Went on BBC news site.

Feeling frustrated now and nervous.

Over five hours waiting for the promised return call from GP receptionist – hopes of getting one about nil now.

Nowt from the nurse either – checked that the mobile was on, it is.

Getting irritable now.

Getting really dark now.

Did some WordPress reading.

Aha… after just seven hours the nurse does cometh…

I explained the bother and failure I’d had in trying to find what my INR level tests from this morning were and if I needed the Anoxaparin injections still.

I was told in no uncertain terms that “Your having them anyway, cause it’s down on my sheet, two a day until Monday, now lift yer shirt up…”

Fair enough, I lifted up me shirt.

She did me and filled in the sheet and was off.

0501Tired and now depressed I was turning everything off and remembered I hadn’t eaten me cream cakes.

So I got upstairs and did! Hehehe!

Naughty but nice!

I started the laptop to finish this diary and get it posted – and the thing wouldn’t boot first time – turned her off and tried again and it took ages for it to load eventually – oh dear, hope it’s going to be alright next time.

Well, one of me most frustrating days for yonks is coming to a close – thank gawd for that!

Now I don’t feel tired! Gnash!

Sun 5/4/15 Inchcock Today: Giant Jewel Found!

Sunday 5th April 2015

Didn’t get to sleep until around 0300hrs – waking up around 0715hrs to use the WC and brother-in-law Pete rang me.

Sister Jane is coping a bit better with waiting to hear the results of her tests about her cancer.

I feel worse and more uncomfortable for her than when I was diagnosed with it and the heart operation – I will spend more time talking to her and trying to comfort her. Pete has his own problems but is coping well fairly well.

A worrying time this, having others suffer is harder than suffering myself.


Sky this morning

Went down and made a nice cuppa – those flipping stairs don’t get any easier to manipulate (If that’s the right word?).

Took a photo of the sky from window on me way down. It look brighter than it seemed to me eye.

Laptop on and took me medications.

Posted off yesterdays diddy-diary.

Did some Facebooking then got up and readied missen for a walk into town – might go via the Arboretum today, take some meal-worms for the ducks? No… I’ll feed t’pigeons in town instead.


Fatima and Frederick breakfasting

Got missen scrubbed up.

As I left the crumbling abode Fatima and Frederick came down for their breakfast and I duly obliged them.

Set off down through the yobbo-free twitchell and onto Mansfield Road and started me slog into Nottingham City Centre.

As I passed by the Junction with Hucknall Road, for some reason looking at the old Grosvenor Eatery/pub I was overcome with sentimental memories and nostalgia.


The Grosvenor – many happy memories from my younger, fitter, healthier, richer, youthful, happier, contented, alcoholic, social and womanising days…

I pondered on the memories as I walked on.

Faces of young ladies came into me mind and the incidents of embarrassment that I suffered in me stumbling attempts at romance back in the days of hope, expectations and determination.


I missed the first two pavement cyclists and glad to report they missed me. Grrr!


The third Pavement Cyclist of the day

On towards the hill and yet another pavement Cyclist attacked me – saw him coming this one so had time to get me camera out.

On past the college traffic islands and up the (Ever getting steeper) hill, through the traffice light junction and down the hill into town.

As I approached the Woodborough Road junction I thought I’d pop in the Victoria Shopping Centre and get some ‘Bling’ photo’s for the TFZ gals.


Fourth and fifth Pavement Cyclists of the day here…

Another two Pavement Cyclist went passed me here.


I walked through the bus station to the entrance to the mall – they were locked and the centre closed-down.

Realised then it was Easter like yer know?

What a sill boy I am!

I poddled back down towards the frontage and Mansfield Road, as I crossed the off road to the Car Park entrance entrance – there lying on the floor in the gutter was a piece of jewellery twinkling away!


A piece of heavy ‘Bling’ found in the gutter by Inchcock – photo’d and taken to the Police Station!

I photographed in in me arthritic hand.

It was very heavy and solid, much heavier that I expected it to be.

Were they real diamonds? They looked it to me, but then again, I’ve never seen a real diamond in me life.

And what was the ruby-like ball in the centre? centre?

I made me way to the Central Police station and handed it in at the desk, just in case it a genuine gem that some poor devil had lost.


The not filled in Property Found Form

The body language of the assistantess who took it was not good – I felt guilty disturbing her really.

She filled in a report between yawns.

No signature appended or dates written on it.

She muttered “Come back in a month or so to see if it’s been claimed then…”


Victoria Mall – All closed for the fitting of a new escalator and Easter Day

I thanked her weakly with an Inchcock sneer of contempt on me face and then walked back towards the Vic Centre and entered through the Mansfield Road opening.

All closed up of course.

I hobbled through and out the back and down around to Upper parliament Street.

I spotted in one of the Victoria Centre posh shops window a display of good that I thought were rather pathetic – and yet they seem to be popular with the kids today?


Crap display here?

The shop has only been opened a few months and on my passing there always seems to be plenty of young shoplifters in the place – oh I meant young shoppers.

I think?

I ambled over to Trinity Square where I thought I might get some ‘Bling’ photographs for the TFZ gals – but of course the shops were closed for Easter Sunday.


All closed today

When I noticed the time. I realised how slow I had been hobbling along today.

I’ll time myself tomorrow on me walk to the hospital for me INR Warfarin tests to see how I’m doing in the hobbling staked I think.

My record set 15 months of so ago, is one hour 25 minutes for the walk from Carrington to the QMC haematology dept.

Last time I timed missen it was one hour 55 minutes.

I caught a bus back to Carrington, walked through the yobbo-free twitchell, IMG_0048taking a photo of the sky that had amazingly brightened up – but seconds later it returned to a gloomy nature?

I fed the pigeons as I progressed to the hoppit.

Got in and made use of the porcelain. A long job, had to wait a while and encourage the movement as I read my book for quite a while before any painful activity activated (Hehe).

Decided to have a beef slice, microwave IMG_0050seasoned new potatoes, garden peas and bread thin, followed by a small tub of ice-cream for me nosh.

And by gum I enjoyed it too!

Watched another DVD ‘All Creatures Great and Small’ episode.

Then the inevitable I suppose – I fell asleep.

Woke up a couple or so hours later – disorientated.

Took me evening medications a little late but still.

Laptop on and did this diary.

Still feeling tired and aching limbs, haemorrhoids painful, angina and arthritis not too bad at all though – reflux valve a bit naughty.

Yer know, with so many things to bother you, it’s good in a way, because it stops you getting bored with yer ailments dunnit? Hehehe.

I rang Sister Jane to see how she and Pete were. She seemed okay, but I could tell she was still worried! We agreed that after Wednesday, her visit for the test results we’d get together and have a proper chin-wag.

Did some Facebooking but fatigue and lack of concentration stopped me doing any graphics that I had intended – Coreldraw9 would probably have crashed anyway. 

Mobile rang as I was nodding off – it was Big John. He’s going to the Papplewick Pumping Station tomorrow and wondered if I’d like to go with them – very nice thought that. But I told him it was me hospital day for the INR Warfarin level testing… BJ pointed out that it was Easter Monday and they do not make appointments surely? – I went down and checked me Anticoagulation Record Card – he was right, the appointment was for Wednesday this week! Whatta plonker I is! So I’m off out tomorrow afternoon now, Yippee!

Good job BJ rang else I’d have hobbled all the way there to find they were closed!

Made a cuppa while I was down – poured it, spilt it, burnt me ankle, swore, cleaned it up and returned to the laptop… Dear oh dear…

Security Career Woes of Inchcock: Escorting the Prisoner

GCVinAfter my being on the minimum wage for so long, it came as a surprise to me when the boss asked if I’d like to do a higher paid assignment for that day.

I jumped at the chance.

Then it came to light that it was a Prisoner Escort job, with an increase of a mammoth 15p per hour!

I was to drive our companies pretend security van to pick up a prisoner from Nottingham clink, and drive him to the Queens Medical Centre for treatment on his arm he injured with a fight with another prisoner. Nice!

After my credentials were checked, a prison officer who was about 6’2” tall and a prisoner that dwarfed him, climbed into the back of the van.

He placed the route plan on the dashboard of my security companies battered old Transit.

Then gave me an RT to use in the event of any emergency.

The Prison Officer explained the duties required of me.

Amongst which: The prisoner was to be handcuffed at all times other than when he was being treated, then one of us must be by his side at all times.

It went okay at the QMC, we were leapfrogged ahead of the other patients – and the giant of a prisoner was tended to in no time.

As we were leaving by the authorised route, a shuddering came from the transit… we ground to a a halt.

The Officer got out to investigate, and informed me the whole tyre had shredded on the off side front.

Of course being the super-efficient security company we were, there was no spare in the van!

He said he’d check and inform the prisoner in the back, and I was to RT in to inform their control, then phone my security company for an immediate replacement.

So I radiod in our plight.

Then minutes later, as I was dialling to call our control room for a replacement vehicle (that I knew didn’t exist), the arrival of three police vehicles that blocked the front and rear of us, and armed officers stationing themselves a various advantage points – all within seconds – confused me somewhat!

Within minutes there were more police vehicles than I thought existed all around us.

The Prison Officer had forgotten to tell me that if a certain two words (changed daily apparently) were used in any message to their control, they were taken as meaning ‘Urgent/Emergency situation back-up required’

Of course muggings here had unknowingly used those two words in my message!

The prisoner thought it was all hilarious.

The Officer was in deep phoo phoo!

My company somehow kept the contract as emergency transport provider for the Prison Service.

I was never chosen for those duties again.

I had to attend police headquarters for an in depth interview and make a statement and I didn’t get paid for it by the company.

I spoke with the Security Manager:

“How come I’m not being paid for going to the police to make a statement then?”

“Worrif yer was a witness under normal circumstances and you had give em a statement then?”

“What do mean boss?”

“Well you couldn’t expect me to pay yer then could yer?”

I could if it were on me shift time yea!”

“Are but I did pay yer fer you shift din’t we!”


“Well wot yer moaning abarght?”

“It happened after me shift time dint it!”

“I dint tell yer to do it did I?”

“No, but they did dint they?”

“Who pays yer @#&*ing wages then? I do!”

“But yer dint did yer!”

“Yer,  for the full shift yer ungrateful little bleeder!”

“But not fer the interview!”

“Wot interview?”

“The interview with the police to give me statement!”

” I didn’t tell yer to do it did I?”

“No they did!”

“Let them pay yer then, cause I sure as “%}k ain’t goin’ to!”

“I’ll put me notice if if yer don’t!”

“No yer wont!”

“Yes I will!”

“I’ll sack yer first!”…

Security Company? Cowboys comes to mind!

Inchcocks Security Career True Tales of Woe – Rapid Alarm Response – The Bank Manager’s Activation

Inchcock’s True Security Career Woes

Rapid Response Alarm Officer Inchcock & The night of the Bank Manager’s Home Alarm Activation


I was on Alarm Response and Patrol checks this particular night. Anyone could usually tell when I was on these duties because the amount of alarm activations usually doubled when I was on this roster. Tsk!

About 2345hrs I was in Long Eaton near Derby carrying out one of the regular site checks when I got a call to inform me that an alarm had been activated at a house in North Nottingham. I knew the house as it is on our Patrol list for checks at the weekends, and owned by a bank manager.

I made my way towards Beeston then onto the ring road when I got another call from the controller to advise me that a second activation had been received making it a positive and the Police had been informed, but they told him that “We have no free units to respond, but will do when one is free.”

Nice… very encouraging that.

I arrived at the assignment address about 30 minutes after getting the call. A great big house with two gates and dozens of rooms.

I informed control of my arrival and that no outward signs of intrusion seen at the front and I was going to check the rear of the premises first.

I got the keys and codes from the van safe, locked the van, took a deep breath and walked to the back of the sprawling house.

1220hrs: I moved away from the window and informed control of the suspect on premises situation and he despatched the other patrol officer Darren as back-up support being as the Nottingham Police still had no one to send.

So I waited and observed monitoring for any activity.

I then saw the torchlight in a ground floor window and continued my observing.

Daz arrived asking where is the scum-bag, let’s gerrim…

After we gained entry through the front door and deactivated the alarm

Darren called out “Alright scum-bag, let be X#~♫ having yer… come on give up or my mate will come and get yer…”

I recall thinking ‘Oh no he wont!’

A bloke appeared though a door and came running at us calling out “I’ve called the police… he pulled up short and lowered his mashie niblick when he saw our uniform and the size of Darren… who did not take to be attacked and he belted the chap with left-hook of Henry Cooper quality.

As I was about to challenge Daz on why he clobbered him as it was obvious the chap was not an intruder but the bank manager when the door behind us burst open and the police officers entered, batons drawn and wrestled me an Darren onto the floor and we were hancuffed – I remember a canine officer being displeased with his animal when it licked me on the face when they were getting me up after being handcuffed.

Now we were in a pickle I thought.

Luckily my solver tongue explained what had happened in between my asking then telling Daz to keep quite.

The paramedics arrived and the bank manager was taken away for checks although he seemed alright, was very quiet and didn’t seem to hold any grudge against us?

When the officers and Darren had left, I did a check of the premises for any intruders, I could see the fuse box was open at the cellar head, so assumed that was the reason the torchlight was used? No signs of why the alarm activated were found and it reset without any bother later.

When I checked each room upstairs the third bedroom… well it opened my eyes I can tell yers… A four-poster bed with red and pink adornments, leather straps, handcuffs and a giant plastic prodding fork lay on the bed? Five TV or monitor screens were scattered around the room, and a gigantic mirror on the ceiling! No signs any bodies anywhere though.

Then I informed control all was clear and reset the alarm and secured the premises.

Sat in the van doing the incident report – one of the hardest I’ve ever had to do.

The Barclays bank manager didn’t complain at all – which was puzzling and unexpected, but comforting.

Wonder what he was up to on his own?

Inchcock Today: Incorporating Inchies Mammoth walk to see his beloved Mallard ducks

Sunday 15th February 2015

I yet again sprang awake at 0520hrs this time, passed me morning medication time but still.

WD’d, then made a cuppa and a pot of porridge and took the medications.

Spent a good few hours trying to get my head around Serif Draw x6 without much progress. Doing lines on text involves many more steps than in Coreldraw9 and to delete a guideline needs six steps opposed to just selecting and pressing delete in Coreldraw.

0701Got missen washed and brushed up and set off on me walk to the Nottingham Arboretum to see the mallards and pigeons.

Around the first corner at the end of the street I managed to avoid whoopsiedangleplop on some Canine Nottingham Street-Art, presumably designed with the assistance of their pet hound – judging  by the ‘Spread’ of the artistic blobs the owner must have been in a rush and forcefully pulling the poor thing along?

0702The view looked like somehting out of an old black and white picture as I wended me way through the jitty onto Mansfield Road.

Sneaking some seeds to the pigeons as I whistled and looked up to the sky – then saw yobboes lurking near the passageway so took the long route as I didn’t feel too comfortable about the 0703three lads drinking and shouting about something or other.

As I was walking down the road a 1962 Ford Zepher passed by, saw it coming so had time to grab me camera to take a photo of it. Gloriously memory tweaking seeing that, they were converted for Ford by Farnham Estates and very few were made. A rare treat to 0704see one nowadays, and the engine sounded in good nick too.

So I looked ahead and took a photograph of where I had to walk to get on me way to the Nottingham Arboretum.

Straight on to the traffic lights on the corner of Hucknall Road in the distance on this photograph.

Got to the traffic lights and took a photo of the next stretch of Mansfield Road down to the traffic island at the junction of Gregory Boulevard alongside the Forest 0705recreation ground.

A fair but of traffic around considering it is a Sunday.

The weather still a bit gloomy, but not me. I was feeling surprisingly perky at this stage, the ailments not too bad… apart from the angina but I can’t have it all ways can I now.

Pressed on singing away to meself to traffic islands and turned right.

0706To the pedestrian crossing you see in the picture and crossed over it and started to walk along the side of the recreations ground.

Where they are building something new for the kids, it might be football pitches perhaps.

IMG_0022Took a photograph of the piles of grit and sand stacked all over the old field because I thought how they looked like mole-hills… Giant mole-hills. Hehehe!

As I turned to carry on me walk no less the three police cars belted passed en-route towards the City Centre with their Blues & Twos activated.

0707A few yards further along Gregory Boulevard I turned down a path into the recreation ground, seeing these cars parked where they were, you can understand it, the sign is not big enough and they are Nottingham folk after all said and done!

Bless em!

IMG_0024I walked passed the cars and into and across the Forest ground on the footpaths you can see int picture, and up the hill to the right.

Half way up i stopped to catch me breath a bit, but moved n without resting as a rather large dog on its own was coming up behind me and showing its teeth!

Up the path opposite almost to the end of it and then I turned right up an old cobble-stone path steeply rising to the top and Waverley Street.

IMG_0025As I looked up the path I began to regret taking this route a bit… but the cobble stones first erected as a road  surface must have been designed so the horses could get a good grip when pulling drays and trams on the main roads.

Damp as it was, I didn’t slip on the hill at all.

When I got to the top of the hill Arthur Itis knees were complaining.

It was not too cold and there were very few folk about anywhere up here on the hill top.

IMG_0026I had a look at the memorial plynth for the local WW1 soldiers lost.

It’s been renovated and looked almost new – I fear with it being out of the way vandals may visit it soon with their grafitti or worse.

But I was soon recovered and crossed over and down Waverley Street passing 0708the tram stop for the Nottingham High School buildings.

“Ah… this is better!” I thought, downhill to the Arboretum gates.

Still uncommonly quiet, so much so it made me nervous, bearing in mind I was on my way down this hill to go into the place where I was mugged last year.


0711No one about at the entrance to the grounds (Mind you there wasn’t last August either).

I emtered and started to walk down towards the duck pond and saw several squirrels on the grass near some bushes.

I took some photos but for some reason they all came out very smudgy and blurred. A bit disappointed with that, but the least bad one I’m posting here – if you could have seen them with your own eyes you’d have been fascinated like 0713wot I was I think.

They seemed to be playing with each other like children.

Sorry about the quality or lack of I should say.

I walked through the trees where I was set-upon intentionally so as to break any lingering fears I thought.

Hobbled (And by now I Was hobbling) Down and around to the ponds edge and despite 0712everything felt grateful that I could still get about and so many interesting   things for me to do locally – but mostly so glad I had remembered me free pensioners bus-pass to use to get home later.

I opened me bag of meal-worms ready for the Mallards and got the seeds ready 0714for the pigeons and walked around the pond to the spot where they can get out and to the food easily.

I fed the little mites getting joy and satisfaction from dong so – I’m easily pleased.

I’m amazed at how well the mallards always seem to get on with the pigeons, cause mallards are not known for their passive nature are they?

The Aviary had now got some birds in the cages, no idea what they were but they had attracted a 0716good few folk sat watching them.

My final visit in the Arboretum was to my favourite few square yards of unkempt land near the gates at the bottom of the hill end.

The wild flowers that grow here get me admiration for how they not only survive but seem to flourish against all the odds.

Nature at its best this patch.

I walked into town down Waverley Street and 0717along Shakespeare Street on my way to Tesco to see if they had any cheesey seaweed in stock.

As I passed the Central Fire Station I looked up at the building – not a good idea as it happened and I stubbed me toe on the kerbside – Cursed, and .replied I was okay thank you to the kind young man with the gloves on who asked me if I was alright.

IMG_0037Called into Tesco, they had one packet of me seaweed left so I snaffled it.

As I came out to go to the bus stop I caught another Nottingham pavement cyclist and a few more Nottinghomians crossing the road against the lights at the same time. Naughty!

Caught the bus back to the hoppit.

Met neighbour who told me that a coach of visiting students had been attacked by a gang as it drove through Broxtowe earlier today. That might have been where the police vehicles I saw were going?

Got in the dump, WC’d put the kettle on and WC’s again? Oh dear…

I had six microwave sausages and some instant mash, followed my a lemon yoghurt.

WC’d, then started to update this diary.

Then made a big faux pas.

I took me morning medications in mistake for me night medications, well six of theeighboum before I realised. Then took me night medications with the Warfarin, but avoided those that were to be taken morning and night if yer see wot I mean like? – Tummy-ache within half an hour but still here. Tsk!

Must remember tomorrow INR tests (I’ve already put me record card in me bag ready so I don’t forget it again) Then I’m meeting Pete at 1200hrs at his bus stop in town.

Forget? Me?…


Inchcock Today: Fri 9th Jan 2015 – Feeling rough!

Took me ages to get off to kip last night… or I should say this morning, think I got off around 0030hrs then sprang awake at 0315hrs… a-coughing and a a-sneezing with rumbling innards.

But bits of a dream had stayed with me. I’m losing them as I type so I’ll get em down now while I can if yer don’t mind.

Different women who in the dream I thought I knew but could not put a name too – Many of them were telling me off – in a factory or shop with many many rooms and passages – I had to find something for them but couldn’t and they did not like that – Old washing house in the basement? – giant tablets with legs following me – then on giant cargo ship again… lost – being chased again to have my nappy changed, giant pin the size of a coat hanger? In a life-boat with Albert Einstein, we were both enjoying smoking a pipe, I even knew the baccy was Erinmore Mixture?

No… the rest has gone now. Tsk!

Got up and dizzies again, tried WC – no action? Knees bad despite the extra gel I put on last night. Might not be a good day again fer me today?

Determined to get out later for a bit of  walk and take some photos if possible.

Started this diary made cuppa and took me medications between sneezes coughs and passings of wind from various orifices.

Did a bit of Facebooking, but very hard to concentrate.

WC – haemorrhoids bleeding now – what next? (Double Tsk!).

Read a bit more of me book. Then titivated myself ready for me walk to town later.

As I set off the rain was slight but the wind heavy (weather-wise and medically speaking).

0501BTboxAs I struggled up Mansfield Road near the cemetery near to where I have come across the Specialist Nottingham Street artists work many times in the past, some irk or irks had forced open what I think was  a telephone connection box and rearranged many of the wires plugs etc . Looking at the photo now maybe it was not a telephone connection box? All I know is they made a decent job of the malicious re-wiring of it. (Tsk, little monkeys!)

The rain stopped and the sun came out to pay. (It didn’t fool me though I knew it’d be back).

0502cafesLimped through Vic centre called in Tesco for me bread and plodded on and being lunchtime I expected to see the expensive outdoor seating  cafes to be doing well now the weather had temporarily cheered up like. But not a single customer in any of them?

The drizzle started again as I hobbled to Broad marsh Shopping Centre and visited the 99p shop, where I got some 0503bmstuff for the nurses on Monday. As I walked out of there I poddled into the Poundland shop on the lower floor to get some cheap tea-spoons… now there is mysterious thing… how do I keep losing and replacing me tea-spoons all the time and never find those disappeared ones again? It’s the same with me socks yer know? Oh, got some of them at two pair for a quid too.

Oh, and they were selling ‘comfort Bras for the ladies at Two-for-a-quid as well?

I went to have a look at the DVD sale shop but nothing interested me there… well there was a rather chunky lady unknowingly flashing a bit of bare skin in my direction… but ? I digress. 

0504bm2I got a couple of odd looks from the staff as I photographed the bra stand. Hehe!

A bit further along I saw some ladies watches in a window and took a photo so the female bloggers and TFZ gals can pick out a favourite one for me to buy it for em when I win the lottery big like. I’m not sure how I’m going to without remembering to buy a ticket though.

0505Lister2As I came out of the mall the rain was still holding off – for about 100 yards.

As I was discreetly dropping some seeds to the pigeons it pouted down, so I ducked into the Primark shop and camera in hand had a walk about while sheltering from the downpour.

I took no end of photos for the TFZ gals to pick fault at, desire and comment on Facebook about, I hope.


Holding hands? Surely not!

I purchased some more of the long sleeve thick tea-shirts and two jammy-bottoms on offer down to £3 each that looked nice and warm to wear. The arthritis was bad at this point but the angina ulcer and coughing had eased.

I departed the store and walked up Clinton Street in the now light drizzle just in time to spot some Constables (CPO’s) tackling one of the famous Nottingham shoplifters. It takes more than a bit of rain to put them off yer know!

 0507busI went around the corner with my me once again heavy bags to the bus-stop… the right word here – the buses had stopped.

Coudn’t see any reason but it was ages before the bus arrived late naturally and with the pleasant peasants of Nottingham moaning groaning and grunting I got on the bus. (Hehe!) The gal with the reddish hair let vent vehemently I can tell yer. I felt a tad sorry for the poor old driver.

0508carAs I got off the bus and was walking towards my street I noticed someone had an English flag mounted on his car ariel.

A bit brave that around here I thought.

Not many folk around either… ah, they’ll be picking up their apprentice muggers from school I thought.

When I got in the bomb-site and WC’d I found a letter from the Dentist reminding of the appointment on the 21st January and the £55 charge if I fail to attend. Bless them.

Made a cuppa and got this diary started.


The knees were well worn and I felt suddenly weary, but the upheaval in the innards was much better.

I must remember to take the things down for the Nottingham Hospice shop in the morning.

I’m certain there is something else I have to do as well… but…

Had steak in gravy and instant cheesey-potatoes tonight, followed by iced lollies and Raspberry ripple mousse, digested while listening to the howling-wind and creaking bones when I moved to the WC frequently through out the night.

I think I might just be getting a little old now?.

Inchcock and the Security Night Noc Ob Rep Assignment

Inchcock’s Security Industry True Tales of Woe

The Night Noc Ob & Rep Assignment

Noc01 The Night Noc Ob & Rep Assignment? You may ask?

That is how the manager described the duties to me when telling me what assignment I was on the following night.

Night Binocular Observation and Report is what he meant.

There were two of us were to be based in a field, opposite a Garden Centre just outside of Nottingham.

The criminal elements had hit it three times in a week.

We were given a quick run-down on how to operate the night Binoculars, and sent as soon as it got dark, to the field opposite the entrance to the Garden centre.

We parked the van behind some trees in the field, and settled down in the ditch at the roadside to carry out our Night Noc Ob & Rep Assignment. We were to observe the main gates and site for any signs of intrusion. In the event of any such occurrence, we were to summon the police, and try to bar the escape routes of the raiders until the police arrived, if safe to do so.

It was very windy, and after about two hours or so, the rain belted down. We discussed whether we should get into the van, but decided against it, as if anything happened and we missed it, we would really get it in the neck.

Trevor, the chap on duty with me was a big confident lad, and this gave me some confidence that we would prevail if anything kicked off.

But there were no signs of any intrusion at the premises all night,

All had been quiet.

About 0330hrs, Trev said he’d go to the van and get our nosh and flasks. I gave him the keys, and awaited his return.

When he did return, not carrying any fodder, he leant down to my head level and whispered: “Fuck me, the some bastard’s nicked the bleedin’ van!”

Oh dear!…

Inchcock’s Security Woes: The wind blew hard across the decaying graveyard


 The wind blew hard across the decaying graveyard

GY01Inchcock had been assigned as Static Guard for the Rempstone College, out in the wilds.

His responsibilities were many-fold, the fishing lake, Tennis courts, Golf area, 5 residential blocks a bank, a theatre, Liecestershire Police undercover car compound and ARV storage shed, library, church yard & Cemetery, Roman gardens, 2 bars, Artwork galleries, tutors quarters, classrooms, computer room, archive room, cellars, restaurants, games rooms, 550 student quarters, a Lido and Money safes to name a few.

A cold and lonely place at night, especially when the students and staff were on holiday as on this night.

He was the only person on the 8 acre site… or should have been.

At 0105hrs on patrol and the wind blew hard across the decaying graffiti’d gravestone littered cemetery…

Creating unholy noises, and blowing up the Guard Inchcock’s trouser legs something rotten, as he made his way across the used condoms, broken spirit and mentholated spirit bottles scattered generously amongst the dog droppings, coke cans, and maggot ridden dead rats along the path on his way to swipe the electronic Security check point, thoughtfully super-glued on the side of child’s headstone.

As he scrambled over the broken park benches, and rubbed the mould-growth from his uniform, he heard a loud bang, emanating he thought, from the end of the nursery drive, in the area of the undercover police car compound.

The customary tightening of the urine valves took place, as he stood still to try and listen over the wind, for any more unusual noises, but none came.

GY02Being one of the more reliable Guards (or so he thought) he decided further investigation call called for – following his Assignment instructions, as well as Sito’s guide lines, he called for back up… well he tried to but the phone network had gone down! (Sods-law or what?)

He walked, using whatever natural cover was available, down the dark dank windy lane towards the gates of the Leicestershire Police undercover car compound, using his intrinsic skills to keep the noise to minimum…. until he stubbed his toe on some broken concrete, then the silent approach had to be abandoned when he exclaimed a loud clear ‘Bollocks!’ into the night wind as a response to the sharp pain he’d accrued.

So, out came the mag-light, he pulled himself up to show his full 5’ 3” of height and swaggered into the middle of the drive, so as to appear brave and dangerous to any possible intruder.

He passed wind and increased his walking rate, putting on his well known bravado swank, and talking loudly into the dead mobile phone…. “ETA ten minute control? …. Silence for a while to give the impression he was listening to someone on the other end of the one-way conversation…… “Roger, but don’t let the canine run free, I have residents returning home all night”…… “I’ll do a quick check, he knows the code for the gate… thanks, out!”

Feeling proud of this instantly thought up subterfuge, that foolishly gave him heart and assurance in his puny skills, the Inchcock moved on showing great confidence, and reached the gates of the Leicestershire Constabulary Undercover Vehicle Compound.

He had no key of course, but luckily the gates were in the same state as the cemetery furniture – rotting and presenting some handy holes through which he could shine his torch, still leaving room for him to get his head through!

All looked in order, but being the perfectionist he is, our Guard decided to climb through into the compound, to satisfy himself that no intrusion had taken place and all really was well. (The fool!)

Once inside, he realised the vast extent of the premises, at least 100 vehicles of all types scattered around.

So he turned off his torch, and used the shadows to creep around in on his self righteous mission to protect the property of our beloved officers of the law!

About a third of way around, and in the centre of the vehicles, he felt something moving about at his feet from under a van, he whipped out his mag-light and shone it down…… just in time to see the blood being drawn from his leg by the police dog, as it began to try and devour his left ankle. (He still has the scars, Inchcock that is not the police dog).

To this day he’s not sure how he managed to get out of there, but he did.

Granted he was minus his mag-light, part of his trouser legs, bits of his sock, his cap, his mobile phone, a portion on ankle flesh, and a few fluid ounces of blood, but he got out!

Only to be met by the fast arriving police cars pulling up in response as it transpired to the PIR alarm activation of the new system put in the night before on the compound, that no one had informed our hero about, otherwise he would not have set it off by going into the compound!

They could hardly administer the first aid due to their laughter.

Inchcock was relatively new to the Security Industry, and thought to himself: “It can’t be as bad as this every-night surely?”

It could and would be over the coming years.

The moral is….er….well, it must be in there somewhere I’m sure!