Inchcocks Future Fun Newspaper Headlines

.

Future Sports, Covidity, and Politics, unsung,
Including Boris, Cummings, even Cameron,
I threw myself into creating these, then the phone rung…
Told me the Bank is closing its branch… that’ll be fun!
A bill from the Council, Carers Fees, that stung!
Two weeks ago, Meridian arranged a direct debit…
About as reliable as Norman Tebbit!

Here they are; I hope you get a smile from;

Inchcocks Future Fun Newspaper Headlines

I fang You!

Inchcock’s Make ‘Em Laugh Series

Inchcock: His Open Letter to Theresa May

Dear Theresa May,

Congratulations on beating the man you have just sacked from the Cabinet in the Tory leadership election.

I’d like to offer you the opinion of a rather uneducated old fart, who, incidentally much appreciates his pensioner’s bus pass, on a few of your selections for your new cabinet ministers. I understand his opinion is of no value or consequence, benefit or interest to you (Or any of your cabinet or MP’s), but the new growth in distrust of the aforesaid personages, has encouraged me to be bold.

Also, my not having long left to live, had a bearing on this decision too.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Philip Hammond  Brexit Remain Supporter

New Chancellor of the Exchequer

Millionaire Hammond is worth around £8.8m but avoids tax after transferring property as a “gift” to his wife. This Essex boy has never had a proper paid job

He recently stepped in over ‘very disappointing’ plans by new Chinese owners to hike membership fees at Wentworth golf club. Long-time members of Surrey-based golf club have accused the new Chinese owners of using an eye-watering fee hike to get rid of them and turn the club into a preserve of the global ultra-rich. If he fails on this, you can always buy the support of Tony ‘I ain’t rich enough yet’ Blair and William Hague by buying them a two-year membership of the club. Although I’m uncertain if Hague’s wife Ffion is still a Barclays Bank Advisor, but as he and she he joined a lavish Italian trip, one of Europe’s most expensive hotels, where rooms costing £1,000 a night and paid for Barclays executives on a black day for global markets, I assume she will not give up these perks and of course the pay for being an Advisor to Barclays Bank: (£86,000 per annum, tax free?) You know the one, that the Tory Government rescued financially?  

MY VIEW: He is the second richest member of the new cabinet, with a net worth of £8.4 million, just under Lord Strathclyde with £9.6 million. Mr Hammond is said to have achieved his worth from stakes in a health care and nursing home developer and “consultancy work”.Within six months, he will be blaming the Brexit Leave Supporters for the country going broke. Only joking – am I? I wish him well and I appreciate that his lock on the front door of his third home costs more than my house did. I just wish he was not so rich that if he fails he will not suffer financially at all – just Jealous Theresa, yer know!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Boris Johnson  Brexit Leave Supporter

New Foreign Secretary

Royal-blooded, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (born in New York City to wealthy upper-class English parents in June 1964), Johnson was educated at the European School of Brussels, Ashdown House School, and Eton College.

Boris is, albeit, distantly related, to the present Royal family, and also to the Royal Houses of Europe, including the Swedish and Dutch Royal Families, as well as the Romanoffs.

So, we can see why you have chosen him to be your Foreign Secretary. Also and as well besides, we understand.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Amber Rudd Brexit Remain Supporter

New Home Secretary

Who, as Energy Secretary who Labour claimed misled MPs about meeting mandatory EU energy targets on renewable power, is a buxom lass, and it is easy to see why Theresa has opted for her for her new as her new Home Secretary.

As Energy Secretary, she came under fire for failing to reveal close links to a top lobbyist in official parliamentary records. Under new rules brought in for this parliament, MPs must officially disclose all family members engaged in lobbying the public sector.

The Hastings & Rye MP, also Billed the taxpayer £173,367.16 over the 2014-15 period placing her in sixth place out of the 16 county MPs. She claimed the bulk of her expenses on staffing costs – £137,127.53– as well as £22,794.66 on office costs, £10,330.79 on accommodation, £2,854.18 on travel and £260 on ‘miscellaneous expenses’. So she’s cunning, greedy and not afraid to fiddle if given the opportunity.

Worked as a financial journalist and venture capitalist, after working in New York and London for J.P. Morgan & Co. So, she’ll be perfect for the position as Conservative Home Secretary.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

DavidDavis Brexit Leave Supporter

Brexit Minister Secretary

David Davis, the former shadow home secretary, who grew up on a council estate, spent more than £10,000 of taxpayers’ money on home improvements in four years, including a new £5,700 portico at his home in Yorkshire. 

The former chairman of a Commons committee that keeps tabs on government spending also claimed more than £8,000 for over 5,000 gallons of heating oil. Claims submitted by Mr Davis under the Commons’ additional costs allowance system show that he paid £5,704 for the portico – an open porch that normally protects a property’s front door from the weather – in July 2006. The bill was “to supply and install a new portico to front door entrance, new matching gate and frame to court-yard and six-pane window to out building”. The Commons fees office agreed to pay the bill two weeks later.

Mr Davis spent about £5,000 on home furnishings, including £658 to decorate his kitchen and utility room and £640 on a flax carpet for the breakfast room. In 2008-09 he charged £46.33 for changing a lamp in a floodlight at one of his properties.

In 2009-210 his expenses were only £ 109,146.

Davis was raised on Aboyne Estate, a council estate in Tooting, South West London. After attending Bec Grammar School in Tooting, London, he went on to gain a master’s degree in business at the age of 25 and went into a career with Tate & Lyle. Another non-working for a wage MP.

August 2013: Figures from the body responsible for parliamentary expenses show that the highest expenses claimant in Gwent was David Davies, Tory MP for Monmouth, who claimed £40,241. But the MP said that he had not seen a penny of the money and that the term expenses had been used for too long.

He’s going to have a ball now he’s in power int he!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Michael Fallon Brexit Remain Supporter

Defence Secretary

The MP retrospectively claimed £3,521 for legal fees and hundreds more for mortgage interest charges and utility bills — all personally authorised by the head of the fees office. Mr Fallon had previously claimed £1,000 a month in second home expenses to rent a property in Pimlico, south west London. Mr Fallon said at the time: “This was an inadvertent mistake for which I accept responsibility. The fees office proposed that the overpayment should be offset by other claims.”

The MP added that all his other claims “were routine costs properly authorised and allowable at the time”. He began making the excessive claims after buying the Westminster flat for £243,000 in June 2002 and designating it as his second home. Various other household expenses he claimed for after September 2004 included a £250 per month cleaning bill, which Mr Fallon reduced from £300 after being asked for a receipt.

Between 2002 and 2004, Fallon regularly claimed £1,255 per month in capital repayments and interest, rather than the £700-£800 for the interest component alone. After his error was noticed by staff at the Commons Fees Office in September 2004, he asked: “Why has no one brought this to my attention before?” He repaid £2,200 of this over-claim but was allowed to offset the remaining £6,100 against his allowance. After realising they had failed to notice the excessive claims, Commons staff reportedly suggested Fallon submit fresh claims which would “reassign” the surplus payments to other costs he had legitimately incurred.

In May 2005, he claimed £499 for a television, £69.50 for a digital box and £35 for a radio. Mr Fallon sold the flat in December 2006 for £295,000, making a profit of £52,000. He claimed £1,774.50 in legal fees relating to the sale. In the two months before the sale, he claimed £126 for boiler repairs, £170 for repairs to bathroom tiles, £282 for electrical repairs and £225 for carpet cleaning. He then bought another flat in Westminster for £728,000. Soon after moving in, he claimed £1,795 for a bed, £1,500 for curtains and almost £1,000 for a freezer, washer-dryer and deep cleaner. The claim for the bed was reduced to £1,000. He then began claiming the interest on the mortgage for his new flat, which came to about £2,100 per month — almost three times as much as at his previous property. Mr Fallon also shares a large house in his Kent constituency with his wife, Wendy. The house, which the couple bought in 1997, is about 28 miles away from Westminster. It is not mortgaged.

Mr Fallon is also paid as a director of three companies. His salary from one, a money broker, is reportedly £45,000. He also pays his wife from his taxpayer-funded office expenses to work as his secretary.

Fallon, is a board member of a leading brokerage firm that dominates the rates market and which has been asked to co-operate with the Financial Services Authority’s investigation into malpractice across the City.

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Liam Fox Brexit Exit Supporter

International Trade Secretary

In a less shameless world, Liam Fox’s career would have ended in 2011. Or to give him his full title, the disgraced former defence secretary, Dr Liam Fox.

In March 2010 Fox appealed Sir Thomas Legg’s decision that he had overclaimed £22,476 in mortgage interest payments. Fox immediately repaid the money, then appealed the decision. Fox’s appeal was rejected and the decision was upheld by Sir Paul Kennedy, a former high court judge. Fox stated that his decision to remortgage his second home to pay for redecorations and claim the higher interest repayments on his expenses represented value for money because he could have charged the taxpayer for the decorating bills directly. In his response, Sir Paul Kennedy stated: “What you claimed was not recoverable under the rules then in force. I entirely accept that, like many others, you could have made other claims if the fees office had rejected your claims for mortgage interest, and that you may well have spent some of what you raised by increasing your mortgage on your constituency home, but the evidence is imprecise, and my terms of reference only allow me to interfere if I find special reasons in your individual case showing that it would not be fair and equitable to require repayment, either at all or at the level recommended.” This reportedly made him the Conservative Shadow Cabinet member with the largest over-claim on expenses, and as a result, he has been forced to repay the most money.

It was reported in June 2009 that Fox claimed expenses of more than £19,000 over the last four years for his mobile phone. Fox claimed the high bill was due to regular trips overseas, in his capacity as Shadow Defence Secretary and said he was looking for a cheaper tariff.

In October 2012, the Commons Speaker blocked the release of data showing which MPs were renting their homes to other MPs for financial gain. However, a study of parliamentary records was published in the Daily Telegraph. The study showed that Liam Fox receives rental income from his London home while simultaneously claiming rental income from the taxpayer to live at another residence.

In October 2013, Fox hit the news again, after documents showed he claimed 3p for a 100-metre car trip a year earlier. He also made an additional 15 claims of under £1 for car travel approved in 2012–13, two of which were for 24p and 44p. He told the Sunday People: “I don’t do my expenses. My office does them. But they are all done according to the rules for travel distances.

During October 2011 Fox’s relationship with a close friend, Adam Werritty, attracted extensive media attention and eventually led to Fox’s resignation. Werrity, some 17 years younger than Fox, had been best man at his wedding, had lived rent-free in Fox’s flat, and been involved with him in business and in the conservative Atlanticist think-tank The Atlantic Bridge. While Fox was Defence Minister, Werrity had visited Fox at the Ministry of Defence on many occasions, had accompanied Fox on numerous official trips, attended some of his meetings with foreign dignitaries, and had used official-looking business cards which said he was an “advisor” to Fox, all despite having no government post or security clearance. The media raised questions about Fox’s judgment in allowing this to happen, the nature of the men’s relationship, and the source of Werrity’s income.

Fox is a registered shareholder of the medical educational firm Arrest Ltd. His estimated wealth is £1.7 million.

Fox accepted a £50,000 donation from Jon Moulton, whose investment firm, Better Capital, later went on to own Gardner Aerospace, an aerospace metallic manufactured details supplier which includes component parts for both military and civilian aircraft. This potentially exposed Fox to conflict of interest but neither Fox nor Moulton violated any rules with this donation.

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Jeremy Hunt Brexit Remain Supporter

Health Secretary

Since first being elected to government in 2005, Hunt has been involved in a string of scandals which when put together outshine some of the bigger scandals on this list. Yet somehow the impervious MP has gone on to be rewarded with ever more responsibility. Here are some instances where other MPs and the public have called for the Teflon-coated minister’s resignation:

  1. · In 2009, he was forced to repay £9,500 of taxpayers’ cash after allowing his election agent to live rent-free in his subsidised home. This was after he had also breached the rules for claiming for a property that was his designated main home.
  2. · In 2010, it was discovered his former parliamentary assistant had been given a civil service job. The assistant was the daughter of a Conservative life peer who had also been the director of Hunt’s company.
  3. · In 2010, he apologised after suggesting hooliganism was to blame for the 1989 Hillsborough disaster.
  4. · In 2012, it was revealed he was a tax avoider (something Cameron said he would not tolerate) after dodging more than £100,000 in tax in a property deal.
  5. · Again in 2012, close links were discovered between his office and Rupert Murdoch’s company News Corporation. Hunt, at the time, was handling the company’s bid to take over BSkyB. It was found Hunt and his advisors had communicated sensitive information to Murdoch.
  6. · In 2013, the British Medical Association said he displayed “complete ignorance” after saying he thought the abortion limit should be changed to 12 weeks.
  7. · His expenses featured: 1p for a 12-second phonecall, £75 on five candles, £700 on signs for one of his houses and a whopping £3,180 on stamps, envelopes and labels (in one year).

Why is Hunt again in the cabinet? Labour leader Ed Miliband once said “it beggars belief” but maybe it has something to do with Hunt’s support during his buddy David Cameron’s leadership campaigns?

A definite bad move from Theresa, if she is wanting to regain the confidence and trust of the voters… but I don’t suppose she’s bothered about that!

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Chris Grayling  Brexit Leave Supporter

Transport Secretary

Chris Grayling has claimed £104,183 of taxpayers’ money over six years for a London flat – even though he has a family home just 17 miles away from Westminster. And neighbours said they “rarely, if ever” see him at the Westminster flat where his postbox is packed with unopened mail.

On the eve of becoming an MP in June 2001, Mr Grayling, 46, paid £127,000 for the one-bedroom flat in a six-storey block, which has views of Westminster Cathedral and is only a short stroll from the House of Commons. But a local estate agent said the value of properties in the block had soared to between £210,000 and £330,000, despite the recession.

Our inquiry sparked claims from MPs last night that Mr Grayling  would trouser a huge profit from the London property market,  largely thanks to taxpayers’ cash. Mr Grayling is allowed to use his additional costs allowance (ACA) to pay for and furnish a second home – either in London or his constituency of Epsom and Ewell. Between 2001 and 2007, he claimed a total of £104,183 under the ACA – close to the maximum possible claim over the period of £122,710.

In 2009, Chris Grayling promised to sell his London flat and repay any profit to the taxpayer. There is no record of this repayment. Numerous requests for information from Grayling’s office have been met with a blank refusal to provide any further evidence. It’s quite possible the payment was made. The records we have are incomplete, having been destroyed under Commons rules. But his office’s refusal to provide any evidence of it suggests the old arrogance of MPs is reasserting itself as memories of the expenses scandal fade.

Just after the May 2005 general election, he claimed £4,250 for redecorating and £1,561 for a new bathroom. The next month he claimed £1,341 for new kitchen units. The month after that he put in a claim for another £1,527 for plumbing and £1,950 for further work.

He got himself caught up in the Fox/Werritty scandal.

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Priti Patel  Brexit Leave Supporter

International Development

Her expenses in 2014 were £152,000 plus.

She employs her husband as her Office Manager on £50,000 a year.

On the IPSA granted MPs pay rise of over £7000, she did not comment on whether she would accept the rise or how she felt about it. But she did.

She once worked for lobbying firm Weber ­Shandwick, whose clients included British American Tobacco – the makers of brands like Dunhill and Lucky Strike. Patel then moved to Diageo, the British multinational alcoholic beverages company, and worked in corporate relations between 2003 and 2007, earning hundreds of thousand of pounds. While the company paid workers £15 a year. In 2014, she accepted a £2,000 donation from a tobacco supplier HT&Co (Drinks) Ltd .

The MP for Witham, supports the death penalty too. In the past she’s professed admiration for Ayn Rand, told reporters: “Murder should never be an alternative to an honest day’s work, which is why I’m strongly in favour of a reintroduction of the death penalty for low-earners.” She added, “A £100,000 earnings cut-off would ensure the most important members of society are not executed, and would also provide a deterrent for the poor and workshy who would rather be housed in jail to save money.”

… I’m sorry, but I can’t write and research anymore… I’ve depressed myself…

Rare afflictions and diseases (Updated) to be weary of

Disease: Philargyristalisation (Coveted money loving, greedy git)

SymptomsWhen sufferers find their parents, MP Uncles and Aunts leave them a fortune in stocks and shares, overseas investment, property, and a Bank, that they will never have to be employed or work in their lives. They will end up lying, conning and cheating along with their fellow Etonians at running the country, and lining their own pockets even more. The Chances are those most affected, will end up becoming the First Secretary of State and Chancellor of the Exchequer for the UK. Not only this but they will be able to appear in front of thousand of voters at a sports occasion and get booed at for over five minutes and they can just stand there, smiling benignly, totally unconcerned.

Most at Risk: Those in Parliament, and Lawyers offices, although likely to be found anywhere. Those who are Christened George Gideon Arthur Osborne are most at risk of Philargyristalisation.

Area’s most affected: Affluent areas with a low crime history thanks to the Chief Constables, Judges, MPs and Banking magnates also living in the area.

Named Disease: Deipnophobia – Fear of dinner parties

Symptoms: Panic attacks, Gluttonisation, Fear of embarrassment, Getting the correct Cutlery usage mixed up with eating with your hands. Passing wind at the dinner table.

Most at Risk: Lottery winners, those marrying into Royalty, and those on Benefits for life.

Named Disease: HAJ (Had-a-job) Syndrome

Symptoms: Being made redundant through no fault of your own, suicidal feelings, lack of food, and the disappearance of respect. No job prospects. Evicted from your home. You use the last of your dwindling savings to apply to the Lithuanian Government to emigrate there, the you come back and get enough benefits to live on.

Most at Risk: The proletariat, anyone not related to, a banker or a friend of a Politician, the unemployed, the millions of immigrants both legal and otherwise, the impecunious, the uneducated youths of today, and the educated youths of today without rich family connections. Those over 60 who have been made redundant four times in the the previous four years.

Areas most affected: The North – Midlands, and Outer Mongolia.

Named Disease: Spooninthegobatbirthness

Symptoms: A snottiness and uncaring attitude that develops in Spooninthegobatbirth sufferers, cannot be countered. The bank balance and overseas investment accounts increase exponentially. Backhanders, blackmail, bullying, lying, hypocritical cons abound, expense fiddling flourishes, and perspicaciousness dissipates from their vocabulary and mind.

Most at RiskRoyalty, Aristocracy, Politicians, Footballers, and the Right Honourable George Osborne MP (Conservative) First Secretary of State, Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, now Chancellor of the Exchequer.

Areas most affected: The top 10% of the ‘Well-off’ of the population.

Named Disease: MSTG (Monetary Cystitis Tight Gits)

Symptoms: It is extremely painful, nigh on impossible for you to repay money owed by you. They will always find something more important to spend the money they have from muggings, robbing, housebreaking and other activities on, rather than repay any debts they have. Creating false debtor of their own, they pursue, mostly elderly infirm bloggers to try and extract some dosh from them. Most of them seem to support West Ham United.

Most at Risk: Politicians, Dentists, Lawyers, Bankers, Haliburton, Motor engineers and Taxi Drivers.

Areas most affected: Nationwide, but London seems to have rather a lot of the more aggressively affected of MSTG sufferers.

Named Disease: Hope Alopecia

SymptomsA sudden realisation that all hope is lost, other than for the War Mongers, Politicians, bankers, and Haliburton and other nepotistic clans. Often sufferers can be found, from those waiting desperately for their retirement and release from work.

Most at Risk: Birmingham immigrants from Scotland, Brin surgeons and LibDem Party leaders.

Areas most affected: Anywhere with any businesses still owned and ran by English management, so as you can tell, there are scarce.

Named Disease: CDA (Compassion Deficiency Anemia)

Symptoms: You couldn’t give a toss about anyone else. These patients ad sufferers of CDA, didn’t start out to kill or be  the reason for millions of peoples death. It’s just that they found they liked it.

Most at Risk: Most predominant nowadays in Parliaments/Governments, and Lawyers offices, although can be  to be found anywhere.

Areas most affected: Virtually throughout the world.

Named Disease: CCYCacospysy (Irregular pulse)

Symptoms: Panic attacks at Government Budget announcement time.

Most at Risk: The poor.

Areas most affected: The North and Midlands of the UK.

Named Disease: EDD Early Decrepitude disease

Symptoms: A sudden realisation that the poor are getting poorer, and the Rich are getting richer.

Most at Risk: Those who are poor and getting poorer.

Areas most affected: Worldwide: In the event that you should feel or find any of the above symptoms coming on, do not consult your Doctor who will be too rich to be bothered to understand your frustrations and problems.

You should consider suicide, alcoholism, hibernation, or becoming a Politician.

Named DiseaseA.A.D.(Alcoholic Addiction Dysrhythmia)

Symptoms: Finding you have not got any alcoholic addictions, and the concern and worry you get about being so different to everyone else, and worrying how others not addicted can manage to get through their day.

Most at Risk: Council house estate families with apprentice muggers under the age of eight, the unemployed, Lib-Dem politicians and supporters, NHS patients and Junior Doctors, Bloggers, Pensioners over 70, Drug addicts under 70 and Post-natal females from Lithuania. 

Areas most affected: Anywhere in the so-called free world.

The Department of Health’s Mental Disorder Minister has asked Inchcock not to publish his article on the disease; ‘CMPIA’ Crooked Members of Parliament In Abundance.

Further Thoughts in Rhyme on the General Election May 2015

General Thoughts

Can’t see any of them throwing me a bone,

Each cheats like the others, each one is a clone,

Every one of ’em gets on my axone,

None of them has any moral or honest backbone,

Many MPs can’t control their own testosterone,

All of ’em like to blow their own trombone.

Backhanders?

They get backhanders and this has been shown,

Banks give ’em cheap mortgages, or a no interest loan,

A classy mistress or a second home in Sierra Leone,

Free nights out to first nights show – with chaperon,

Wealth and free amusements are not unbeknown,

To Barclay’s bank a lifeline of billions was thrown,

Not surprising, with the Barclay’s shares they own.

Molestation

They’ll not worry about prosecution when their hands roam,

For in this fowl trend they are not alone,

This their fellow members seem to condone?

No need for the others to depone,

Seems like all of them to this habit are prone!

Employment

While they let some lucky voters work at the grindstone,

Others are left to abuse alcohol and the Methodone,

Osborne and the like, never been in a work zone,

Silver spoon raised, they were never alone,

Rich parents and Eton were their cornerstone,

I had neither… but I don’t like to moan.

NHS

Private hospitals will always mend their cartilage bone,

Not for them an operation to postpone,

Cameron strutting round like Al Capone,

Determined to destroy the NHS I bemoan.

General

They lie to us every time in a superior tone,

To nepotism they are all very prone,

They seek adulation to sit on a throne,

Out of Government they should all be thrown!

Ode to the UKs Political Leaders

Who should you really want to vote for?

Who will make you more frustrated and poor?

Can any of them be trusted any more?

Will they all send our soldiers to war?

Will they copy Maggie and the nihilist Blair?

They’ll all make your blood boil and want to swear,

Fiddle their expenses, unhindered without a care,

Honest politicians? You haven’t a prayer!

Their chrematistic nature we’ll have to endure,

Their ego, lying, cheating and cunning for sure,

They lie cheat but never get shown the door,

Should we shoot one now and then to level the score?

They seek wealth, adulation and utter power,

A set of dishonest, distrustful folk this shower,

Getting more greedy by the day… the hour!

Free from prosecution in the their Ivory tower.

We’d be better off trusting a herd of Gnu,

Their greed you just cannot subdue,

Their growing wealth needs a judicial revue,

It’d probably be done by Osborne’s Uncle too,

As Con-men go, UK MP’s are the best, it’s true!

Political Graphics (Silly) to aid your choice of who to Vote for in May 2015

Where should they be?

What have they done?

Osborne parked in a disabled bay

The real Osborne?

Still, I reckon

MPs known not to have fiddled their expenses are marked with a cross.

Lib-Dem’s Manifesto

The Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt finds a cheaper version of Warfarin for the NHS patients

Inchcock refused entry to Parliament, just because he was carrying a home-made stink bomb and had not paid his Poll Tax – Tsk!

Ed Miliband fights the removal of page 3 nudes

The finest liar since Tony Blair!

Quote from The Guardian: David Cameron warned on Sunday that Britain needs to be on alert for “roving firearms terrorist attacks” in Britain!

Islington Labour controlled County Council to introduce £60 fines for diesel found leaving their motors running – 2nd offence could mean imprisonment!

Lib-Dems say ban all petrol and Diesel cars by 2040!

UKIP – and when you wake up…

Would you buy  car from this nepotist?

Thoughts in Prose on the UK Elections May 2015

It ain’t easy selecting who to vote for is it midduck?

Is there a candidate who is not a liar or a crook?

Find one and you’ll find yourself thunderstruck!

And do you really give a hoot or a flipping cluck?

~

Maggie closed the pits and factories down she did,

John Major turned out to bit of damp squid,

Tony Blair damaged the Labour Party to be candid,

Gordon Brown went deaf and turned the UK rancid,

Then Cameron aided by nifty Nick Clegg made their bid,

The 2011 summer riots cost tax-payers a pretty few quid!

~

The thought of voting for any of these turds is vile,

Nigel has panache and is a misleading Anglophile,

Cameron, well ought to be put on trial,

Nick’s past tricks one can only revile,

Ed’s got no humph or any style.

~

Wanker Osborne? He’s the Bankers friend!

There are no depths to which they will not descend,

There’s none on which you can depend,

Their extinction you could recommend?

Their nummamorousness we can’t comprehend,

Perhaps it’s time for the world to end?

Inchcock Today: Launderette Lust? – 24/02/15

Tuesday 24th February 2015

Managed some kip last night.

I realised I’d missed last nights medications. I saw the pot there at the side of me, still full – huh!

WC’d, things getting a little loose again. The rumbling and grumbling was persisting just when I thought they were abating too.

The knees were well bad this morning, and when I put in me hearing-aids heard them cracking away like crisps being crushed when I moved.

Even Anne Gyna was painful. However the back passage-piles were okay with no bleeding. The ulcer was as good as gold. The front teggies gave only a bit of pain (Must get to the dentist), then again I’m not eating at the moment.

Laptop on, Coreldraw9 crashed immediately when I chose the import option. Rebooted tried again and gave up.

Tried to do the work on Serif Draw x6, but didn’t know how to import to get the original size of graphics. I have to drag-t0-size on import?

Gave up again and got a good wash and brush up and got the things ready for the launderette, the gals nibbles, soap tablets, softener, drier balls and a choc bar for myself to nibble.

Set off to the launderette in the high gusty winds, fed some pigeons clandestinely en-route.

Well, all the machines were in use bar one – the one that folk don’t like to use because it doesn’t spin fast and it takes more money in the drier. As I resigned meself to another expensive day I spotted Grizelda at the back and that cheered me up somewhat.

She smiled at me and waved and parts of my anatomy were girded into movements unknown in months.

I realise that nothing could come of these fantasies wot I have over her – she is about a foot taller than I, years younger and yet still I yearn… Will I ever learn?

Got the machine going and Big John came in laughing because four of the machines had his washing in them – then he started flirting with Grizelda, who has taken a fancy to him – Huh cobblers and Tsk! It didn’t bother me at all, I  wasn’t jealous, oh no…

Grizelda came towards me and my heart pounded, despite being part metal and plastic… she smiled and said: “Would you like tea?” in her wonderful deep voiced yet delicate Polish accent. I think I mumbled ‘Yes please…’

I then started fretting, thinking I might have left the tap running in the bathroom. Unable to get the feeling out of me mind I walked back to the dump to check it out. Of course the taps were not running… but I had left the laptop on, so I closed it down.

On the way back I bought a newspaper to read and then back to the launderette.

An interesting article:

‘This is the astonishing moment a group of frustrated Nottingham tram passengers picked up and moved a Mini off the road after its driver blocked two trams when she parked across the tracks.

The fed-up bystanders shifted the car after the trams were delayed for 15 minutes. Incredibly the female driver had left her motor illegally parked on double yellow lines in Nottingham at 11.1oam yesterday.

The red-faced driver eventually returned from a nearby coffee shop to find her car moved and a penalty ticket waiting from a Nottingham Community Protection Officer.

Adding to her growing misery, the driver was then serenaded by ironic whoops and cheers from the swelling crowds as she quickly performed an illegal U-turn and drove off.

Eventually got the washing dried and packed up and BJ offered me a lift to Asda.

When we arrived I was surprised at the queues for the petrol station – are we due price rise or something?

Please advise me if you should know owt like?

Big John came with me to the microwaves in store and I carefully selected the most appurtenant and suitable model for my particular requirements. (The cheapest). We split to do our shopping, I didn’t get much: Microwave, Feasters beefburgers (Very tasty), bleach, Bread thins and a pack of mini Swiss rolls.

BJ ran me back to the flea-pit, I thanked him and he shot off.

I put me washing away and then the shopping.

Made a cuppa, laptop on and no internet connection – I realised I’d turned off the hub earlier, so went down and turned it back on. Had a dizzy spell coming back up the stairs… not a back un, only lasted for a few seconds and then dissipated. I think it might be due to me low Warfarin INR level? It don’t help when I miss me doses – what a plonker!

Updated this diary to here, then did a bit of work on another post entitled (As of now anyway) ‘Things nobody says to me any more’.

Used up three and a bit hours there no problem. Tsk!

Many WC visits later I made a cuppa ready to take me evening medications and found the INR report and dosage record had been delivered.

Level up to 2.4, so going the right way at last – they had made another appointment for this Thursday. It’s all go innit?

No rest fer the wicked. (If that’s true, how come the politicians haven’t all collapsed? – Just a thought like.)