Oddities whippersnappers may encounter, like leprosy, An honest politician (Joking!), or water on the knee, Have ten children; some are yours, at most three! Go to Scotland for the whisky and to find Nessie… Soon realise your sanity is becoming an absentee!
Cuddle up to and grope a gal, all nice and cosey… Sweet words are shared, things getting lovey-dovey! Then find out her name is Arthur and not Rosie… No need to feel embarrassed, daft, or dozy… Fake an excuse, rush off, and send him a posey!
One day you may become an abductee! The kidnapper demanding lots of money… Before he’ll think of setting you free… But no one will pay; you’re not famous, yer see? He’ll likely keep you as an adoptee!
You’ll eat strange foods, & plain foods, like onion bhaji, Liqueurs, cannabis cheesecake, and beetroot coffee? Pickled walnuts, fingernails, and chocolate garibaldi… Even if financially up a gumtree… Try anything, as long as it’s free!
Will you be an owner, manager, or employee? Mayhaps a hippy with long hair and a goatee? Drugged up to eyeballs, living in a fantasy? Marching against bombs and nuclear energy… Just like your Mam and Dad did in 1953!
No need to use a snickersnee or machete… Wounding or killing is plain bizarrerie… It could be you’ll need a necropsy? All through greed and your bellicosity, Finish now, with hatred and animosity!
Keeping on the straight and narrow takes fortuity…
To hide your weaknesses and frangibility…
We’ve only one life each, not an eternity
Staying honest and non-aggressive shows dignity!
At St Peter’s gate, of wrongs, you’ll need deniability,
It’ll be no good pleading for mercy, circumstantially!
When it comes to things financially,
You must avoid showing credulity!
Moneylenders, Bank managers, show crudity…
But do it to start with using misleading civility!
Muggers and robbers take your cash with audacity!
As you get older, you’ll go much more often for a wee-wee! With little warning, you’ll rush to the WC… But, you won’t make it in time very often you see… I know, cause every day this is happening to me! It’ll dribble or torrent, with no controllability…
The protection pants offer little comfort to me… But less protection, as I increase my bellies adiposity… Struggling, Little Inchie gets stuck in the zip… agony! I wet myself; wetter than if on a water-skiers jetty! It bleeds, I cry… this is ageing – it’s not very pretty!
This article was written with the specific intention of assisting any Senior Citizen/s who may move into a Nottingham City Homes Independent Living Flat accommodation at the Woodthorpe Court flat complex.
The author is a male widower, with a bald head, walking stick, is overweight, 5’2″ tall, bespectacled, hearing aid wearing, boils, piles, is an arthritis sufferer, had a heart valve replacement, skin cancer, has angina pectoris, aortic aneurysm, folic acid deficiency, bladder cancer, duodenal ulcer, a sticking reflux valve, has cramps, a bleeding lesion on his miniature Inchy, taking 24 medications a day, is suffering, with partial massive memory losses, falls asleep on buses and misses his stops, has water retention in the legs, suffers perpetually between diarrhoea and constipation, has nightmares, there are no relatives to help him in his daily tasks or Whoopsiedangleplops, had no education and is very nearly a virgin, but he doesn’t like to complain like.
* * * * * * * * *
The kitchen draughts Repairs
The direction that you will find the draughts coming in through the wall, via the cupboards and drawers.
This graphicalisation does not show where the wind comes in through the window frames edges. Just take is read, that the rust holes and rotted sealing rubbers allow the intrusion of wind at all times.
Be aware that you are on the twelfth floor, so expect high winds to be a ‘No kitchen today’ ritual for you; unless you are willing to catch pneumonia, or you can afford Eskimo clothing.
You will enjoy planning your layout and trying to get everything to fit into your four paces by 2½ paces spacious kitchen.
Although, there will be no room for luxury extras, like a microwave cooker, food mixer, coffee machine, waste bins or washing machine.
After many Whoopsiedangleplops and failed calls for assistance, you should get it looking something like this on the left.
Now with a model of the cheapest of Curry’s crap cookers and the same for the fridge
Then you’ll need two days to recover from your exertions, and write a letter begging for an overdraft from you bank manager.
You will put down a dustsheet and bring in the corner display you bought in 1968, and proudly attempt to refurbish and polish it up to use in the living room. During this five-day effort, you will get tired and a bit fed-up with having to walk around it as it dries in the middle of the floor after several disappointing attempts at getting the blotches covered and polish it. it
Finally, you get it as good as it is ever going to be (Crap), and put the sprays and polishes away in the bathroom out of the way so you can clean the insides of the cupboards and drawers without the stand getting in your way.
Late in the day, and you are getting weary. So decide to have a nice bath.
Drying off after the tub is when you use the ‘Lord Sheraton’ caretaker furniture polish, in mistake for your deodorant spray.
I advise you to jump back into the bath ASAP like what I did.
You might purchase some plastic four-drawer storage cabinets, these can fit near the door to the airing cupboard that does not work at all and the assembly can be used for storing your cleaning paraphernalia.
You will spend the rest of your limited lifespan, regretting getting the drawers, as each time you pass and catch against them they wobble and the things inside get jumbled up.
The airing cupboard has bars across that you thought was a good idea after you have filled the thing up with soap powders and capsules, brushed, mops, buckets, cleaning potions, clothes, scourers, tea towels, oven gloves, etc.; You find that the bars move. As they do, all the stuff falls, they burst the door open and knock over your two four drawer Wilko storage cabinets, that then tips over spilling all your medications, tools, sewing kit, oven dishes, plastic containers and all over the kitchen floor, leaving you with a fine mess to sort out!
The bottle of antacid that broke on the way down mixes with contents of the medication pots that spilt out and joined forced with the oven cleaner, leaving you with a new designer stained kitchen floor.
Initially, at times, you may think the flat has some poltergeist or is haunted, possibly the block of flats are leaning over a bit too? This is only the wind blowing in through the two holes in the outer wall, and forcing the drawers and doors to open of their own accord. You’ll notice this is only when the winds are high, and comes through the two gigantic holes in the wall. The one in the top picture that blows through into the cupboards and drawers, and the same size one at the bottom of the wall underneath the top one.
This problem, you take to the Flat Complex Coordinator, who passes on the problem after coming to have a look, and telling you that others have it far worse than you do.
A fortnight later you get a letter from the Nottingham Home Repair Team, advising you that they will be calling in three weeks time to investigate. Of course on the day they are coming, you collapse and have to go into hospital, so miss them naturally. Two days later you return, to find a letter through the door telling you that you will be fined for non-compliance, and giving you a new date for the appointment in four weeks time.
The gentleman arrives at 1315hr on the day. Have a look around the kitchen and ‘felt’ the draughts coming in. He tells you that he can do nothing, but he will arrange a bricklayer to come and plug up the holes. A week later you get an appointment for the bricklayer to call in three weeks. Which he does; takes a look and informs you he can do nothing. You need a carpenter! He says he’ll make an appointment. Two weeks later you get a letter making an appointment for the carpenter to arrive four weeks later. Then get another letter two days later telling you he will come in two weeks?
The man comes, nice sort of bloke, he sets to assessing the situation.
Then starts to demolish the drawers and shelves to gain access to the bottom hole.
I could tell he was an experienced carpenter and workman by the way he whistled ‘Delilah’ out of tune as he grafted away.
Soon the dust and wood shavings had left lovely patterns on everything in the kitchen.
I inquired, on seeing the one spray can of filler he had brought along with him, if that would be sufficient for the two holes?
He replied; “Two holes? Have you another then?”
Well well, I thought.
He assured me that this can would be enough to fill the two holes.
I pointed out that the other hole was behind the top cupboard and only partly accessible.
No problem, with this he whipped off the partial vent above and had a look. “Yes, I can manage that easily.”
So didn’t do anything about it the top hole. He got the cupboard back together with an hour.
No fleas on this fella!
I thanked him and off he went, whistling away.
I returned to the dust covered kitchen.
The draughts were exactly like they were before!
And, a multitude of flies had appeared all around the window frame too?
I hope this Tale of Woe offers hope to any Single Senior Citizens who might find themselves in Nottingham City Homes Independent Living establishment high-Rise flats, especially through no fault of their own.
Part Five: Repairs Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats
“The ‘United Carpets’ Farce!”
Please: Never risk your sanity by using these nasty con-men & imitation carpeters!
Guide for New Senior Citizens in Indepedendant Living flats
Fellow Senior Citizens please be warned. If you have the annoying habit like what I do, that of wanting to clean your kitchen window outside and in; Here is what you will have to contend with. Especially if you live in Woodthorpe or Winchester Court in Sherwood Nottingham.
I recommend that the following are stocked up on prior to the life threatening procedure is attempted:
Antiseptic disinfectant and creams.(The Dettol disinfectant and the Savlon Cream are effective)
Elastoplast fabric and Waterproof dressing. Elastoplast is fairly good. (Although Asda own label is a lot cheaper)
TCP and or Brute After Save:(Both are effective at stopping the bleeding abrasions you’ll acquire whilst trying to turn and hold out the control button, conveniently located in the less than 2″ gap between the mechanism and the outer frame of the window) The Brute deodorant in spray form lasts longer and allows you remember the Henry Cooper ‘Slash it All Over’ made commercials on TV from 1970.
A pair of Long-pronged Pliers is another most essential requirement.Either from ScrewFix or preferably the Pound Shop. Both will break when you try to attach them to the plastic button to turn and hold out the button using one hand, as you will need the other Arthritic hand to turn the window around to access the rust, bits of paint and stale water as it flows out of the frame and spills all over the sill, floor, cooker and you!
A note you must write before beginning this suicidal cleaning session. Along with your Anticoagulation Alert Card. Your medical record card to inform the paramedics when they arrive of your ailments and medications you’re on, like:
Warfarin 3mg (Variable according to weekly INR blood tests) 1½ to 3½ –
Paracetamol 500mg pain relief up to 8 a day as needed – Codeine Phosphate 30mg pain relief up – 2 mornings, 1 evening and more if required – Simvastatin 40mg – high cholesterol 1 at night – Omeprazole 2omg – Oesophagus, Duodenal ulcer and sticking reflux valve. 1 mornings – The Ramipril 12mg Angiotensin High blood pressure – 10mg – 1 daily – The Bisoprolol 2.5mg fumarate – Beater-blocker – Control for having mechanical Heart-Aorta valve replaced – 1 daily – Ear-spray for outer ear – as required up to three times a day – Pain Killing Gel 10% Ibuprofen Fenbid – Up to four times a day as necessary. – GTN sublingual tablets Up to four a day no more; contain the active ingredient glyceryl trinitrate. Do not forget to mention your liquid medications
The Nottingham City homes coordinator will humanely mention your predicament to the repairs department, and when you get back from the hospital, week two weeks after getting back, you will receive a letter from them with an appointment for three weeks hence, for a specialist repair man to call and assess the situation.
He will arrive and set to work looking a the window. After a few err’s and Mmm’s, he will tell you he is condemning the whole window, and will arrange for a new one to replace it.
This will please you greatly.
A week later, you will receive another arrange appointment trough the post, for three week time.
Another man will arrive, look at the window, and tell you there is nothing wrong with it at all.
You will inform him of the rust and concrete along with the stale water that fell out of the window when you finally managed to get it to turn so you could clean the glass.
He says: Well if you got it turned what’s the problem then?
Your reply is: “The rust and concrete along with the stale water that fell out of the window when you finally managed to get it to turn so you could clean the glass, and I needed three stitches and extra Trental and Warfarin tablets for two weeks!”
He clicks his tongue, gives a loud Humph, offers you a well-practised sneer and leaves.
End of repairs then!
Part Three to follow: The Electric Fire and the Wall Heaters Fiasco!
Inchcock SS (Senior Citizens) Brigade Urgent Advice
The Inchcock SS (Senior Citizens) Brigade caretaker, Inchcock Chambers, after having treatment on his torso, legs and lower regions for burns at the Queens Medical Centre ER department, would like to pass on a tip for other approaching-senility doddery old codgers.
That is: Do not store your bath salts next to the similar looking and shaped box of Bicarbonate of Soda you use to clean your toilet bowl!
Without any questionisationing, the last few days happenings at Inchcock’s Mansion in the Sky, have proven to be of infinitesimal benefit for him, in his quest to be of use as the WordPress Senior Bloggers Doddery Advisory Editor for Whippersnappers, and what they can anticipate and expect to be having to cope with in their later years.
No nonsensical airy-fairy Namby-Pamby these may or may not be applicable to all of the young shoplifters and drugged muggers in future years.
Each actual incident is described, and real advice offered. So that those nearing the Coffin-Waiting time of life can face it with the certain knowledge that they are about to tackle their final challenges, and can do so, knowing how Inchcock managed. (Fair enough he failed, but there you are!)
The support-gloved removal of fodder from the oven:
You will find it easy to do this and singe your gloves and fingers. The pain will not bother you too much, however, because you’ll be suffering from the Angina, and this will probably what caused you to forget to use the oven glove in the first place.
Removing the new milk jug from the refrigerator:
Reaching in and getting some milk for your strong cup of tea, no doubt used to be an easy task?
Inchcock advises you do not use a paper coaster in an effort to keep the glass shelf clean in the fridge, like what he did.
You will find as you remove the jug, the coaster will fall off. You will naturally make a failed grab in an effort to try and catch the paper disc before it lands on the floor, where you will be in great pain from your arthritis and pulled leg muscle in retrieving it from.
Unfortunately, you will miss the coaster and drop the milk jug at the same time. Also, you’ll bang your head on the fridge door in your efforts.
Cleaning up the mess up, will prompt your backache and swollen knees to start giving you some stick, pain-wise.
You may well invent a new curse word like Inchy did, ‘Schramblackgustit!’
A new jug will cost you £3 from Asda.
The bathroom Heater Costs:
Taking your bath and ablutions will be painful enough just getting into, and especially so, out of the tub.
Not forgetting to turn off the heater, then going back in two hours later to find you didn’t turn it off, can and will damage your finances.
On the plus side, it’ll be nice and warm in there next time you use the throne but beware of falling asleep on it like what Inchy did. Falling off of it can cause medical problems, and getting back up will be no picnic either! Remember to keep your Health Alert panic button wristlet on, but not when you are in the bath – this has also proved costly to the Editor in the passed. Tsk!
The battery operated dab radio in the bathroom:
What a good idea thought Inchcock, he could listen to his beloved Radio Nottingham whilst taking a bath or using the porcelain now he’s bought a battery operated unit.
He found the reception crap, and the volume available not high enough for him to hear it. The batteries don’t last long either. He also has adopted a regular habit of not turning it off after using the bathroom. He recommends if you take this route, keep a good stock of AA batteries in… and try to remember where you stored them too, important this bit!
Failure to remember where the sharp corners are on the furniture, particularly the electric fireplace that always attracts dust even though he has never used it.It makes such a mess
It also makes such a mess when he tries to help himself back up after cleaning the thing, it’s amazing how many times the truncheon, photo frame, and clock, have along with Inchcock tumble to the floor while carrying out this simple cleaning task. He’s alright now thanks, the bleeding on his ear-hole tab has stopped.
Mobile Phone charging calamity:
When charging the mobile phone, it is best not to forget you’ve put it on charge for two days.
Lack of incoming calls (Though understandable), could be avoided, thus, you will be reminded that the phone is still on charge when you eventually find it as it rings. If as with Inchy, you do not get any incoming calls much, you might try setting the alarm on the mobile to remind you of when it is fully charged? Of course being deaf, you may not hear it anyway. Still, it keeps the EE phone shop happy selling me the replacement batteries regularly.
Cooking and Traditional Wood Dye:
A good bit of advice here for those few whippersnappers that may still be capable of cooking their own fodder in the later years.
When using your wood dye on your walking stick scratches, always, I say always! Put the can and micro-duster away out of view. Why? Well, you might copy Inchcock, and while you are setting out your food on the plate then realise you’ve left the open can of dye out on the work surface. Decide to screw back the cap on it and put it away securely. It is best not to let the thing slip from your arthritic hands as you screw the cap back on and as you make determined but futile lunge for the falling can, the contents spill right onto your lamb stew on your plate you’ve just served up for yourself! Humph!
So, you want to read some of your book, called Leningrad:
A great idea comes to you, you’ve got an hour and a bit to wait for the bus, not long enough to do anything on the laptop, so decide to have a read of your book?
You peruse the bookshelf and can’t see it there? You will try to recall when you last had a read of it, was it in the bathroom, a search in there will prove worthless. You spent the two hours searching, getting annoyed with yourself. You’ll check your shopping bag, bedroom, kitchen and cupboards. You give up and set off on the bus to your doctors appointment. You get back four hours later, make a cuppa and look at the bookshelf again – and there it is, Leningrad, top right of the shelf? Annoying this will be!
Another bathroom Cock-up to avoid:
You find out that Bicarbonate of Soda granules will work perfectly as a bath tub cleaner.
Just make sure you keep the packet away from your bath salts!
Mind you, if you too get them mixed up, you will get a good clean, but tingling sensation after your bath! Hehe!
Passed on with the aim to help other Senior Citizens
When struggling furiously to get the hearing-aid into you ear-hole, do not put up with the pain and frustration of failing to get it to fit in… Best to check that you are not trying to put the left hearing-aid into your right ear-hole first!
1) If you intend to go shopping in Arnold, I advise you do not get on a bus that is going to Bulwell!
2) If shopping in a busy Primark store, be aware that this establishment seems to breed violent customers who tread on the worst corn on your left foot and those ladies on mobile phones who run their child in their pram into your arthritic left knee!
3) Be aware at all times of danger from the lack of driving skills of the mobility scooter maniacs. They can drawer blood and just press unknowing or caring leaving you wounded, shocked and angry!
4) If going to the Asda Customer help desk… I wouldn’t bother. You aren’t even going to be listened too, let alone helped.
1) When applying Phorpain gel to your arthritic knees. Keep the toothpaste tube away from the Phorpain tube at all times.
When searching for you bus-pass, never look in the most likely place you think it might be, it will never be there. Try looking in the airing cupboard for instance? (No, I’ve no idea how or why!)
Dropping your cup of tea:
It might be best to make your tea and drop it in the bin straight away before your arthritic fingers force you to drop later somewhere that it makes a bigger mess of. Or… don’t make any tea at all and save on yer intake of caffeine.
BT Internet connection (Or lack of):
BT internet users: You really must try to avoid stress anger and frustration when the connection keeps (‘Cause it sure as hell will) letting you down in the middle of creating something you have not saved!
Be sensible and never try to hold anything back even for a few seconds, because you will surely fail to get to the porcelain in time as you struggle to get up and manipulate your body into your failed effort to do so!
Changing your socks:
Always when changing your socks try to support yourself through this painful procedure. Best not to lean against anything like a moveable oil-heater… this can surprise you as you slide ungracefully along with the moving heater and belt your head on the sink. I know!
Cutting your toe nails:
You must expect to be exhausted and in pain after this job has been done. Best that you do it when you have the time to sit and recover afterwards. And not before you try to walk down the stairs straight away and take a tumble down the last three treads.
Leaving your house:
1) Before going out for any reason, it is advisable to ensure that you have your hearing-aids in – this helps avoid your nearly getting knocked over by a vehicle you did not hear coming at you round a corner at great speed.
2) Ensure you are not still wearing your slippers.
3) You must make sure you lock the door after you have departed. Even if this means a half-hour delay while you search for the key.
Always, but always put your reading glassed on when checking on the cooking instructions on an Asda Egg Omelette packet! Thus avoiding reading eight minutes in error for three minutes.