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To my cyber-buddy and fellow none-fitter-innerer Billumski!
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I think I had more sleep last night than I have in any week! Sadly, it was all in bits and pieces, broken by being woken and my habit of straying off doing things after I’d needed one of the several wee-wees. Also, some persistent Thought-Storms of an aggressive nature.
But I returned to the doubtful comfort of the £300, bought eight years ago from the second-hand shop, Harold Haemorrhoid testing, repugnantly beige-coloured, crumb containing, virus-breeding, acne-giving, rickety, none-working recliner; after each hobble about, or moving things around for no reason, and rearranging of a food cupboard. Why? I anticipate finding other things that I may well have done in my noctambulations later on.
I lay there, pondering over this and that, and anything and the bowels decided to try and evacuate the inner product of its own accord… 
There followed a sequence of events that were events that were worthy of the Comedy Sketch of a Year Award. I thank heavens there are no CCTV cameras in this flat! 
①: I fumbled and bumbled my way up onto my feet; crumbs, the TV remote and a part-eaten packet of pistachio nuts hit the floor and spread all over the carpet...
②: No time for the waking-up to catch my balance routine, I grabbed Metal-Micky, and on the first imitation step, I found one of the pistachio nuts with my left foot. 
③: So, as I crumpled onto the floor, my right knee found another escaped Pistachio nut!
④: I went through some pain getting up again, and was only concerned at that moment with getting to the 
in time… The narrow hallway walls sustain me getting into the wet room, for Metal Micky was laying somewhere in the front room wherever it was, I’d dropped him in the tumble.
⑤: The fight to get the pyjamas down delayed me and caused more panic; I tore them, in the end, to get them down quicker…
⑥: 
To no avail, I fear! The bladder and bowels won this one! They both started before my bum got down on the plastic .
⑦: At least things were over quickly, but they left me with I don’t know how long to put right and clean up the wet room, then the exit points had to be cleaned and medicated. 
Fortunately, I keep a supply of the PPs and large kitchen towels with the Germolene and Germolids to hand in the wet room. Along with the aftershave and plasters to steady any shaving cuts or leaks from Little Inchies Fungal Lesion while I’m doing the ablutions.
I can’t understand why now; no doubt it made sense at the time, but I felt a little smug at coping with these embarrassments and decided to get the 
done while I was in there.
The right knee was not in good shape after its attack on the Pistachio nut earlier. Hehe! in shaving, left me using the plasters and the aftershave to stop the bleeding! Little Inchies Lesion was not leaking; all were okay! 
Oh, and the hair at the lower back of the head come neck is definitely growing again – white! I shaved it off.
After getting things all sorted, new PPs and socks (that were a hell of a job to get them on!) on, The right knee was now very tender! I packed the affected PPs in the disposal bag and returned to get Metal Micky from the recliner room…
When I got back in the room, I thought I’d had burglars! I’d cleared the shelf above the electric fire of all the rubbish, and that had joined the crumbs and food on the carpet! Making it worse, a bottle of disinfectant I keep there for the wee-wee bucket had lost its cap when it got knocked over!
I’d also like to know how I managed to get Metal Micky left right in the corner her the bookcase? I think it would a physical impossibility, surely? Anyway, it was hard enough trying to retrieve it; I had to climb over the many fallen object to get to it – so I used the long picker-upperer. Cunning that, I thought!
I got Micky back with the stick and was almost on the verge of congratulating myself as I turned around and 
against the shredder. Another flipping moment!
I stopped doing everything. And mountaineered my way to the recliner, resisting crying, and just sat down and spoke to myself as calmly as I could… “This is not a good start. Fair enough, the bladder and bowels are out of your control, as are your fingers, feet, legs, shoulder etc… no good getting depressed, mate; it’s just how it is. What you need is some help when things like this happen. I agreed with myself, called myself a pratt, and did my belated balance exercise.
At this point, I noticed the clock… that was on the floor with all the other jetsam and flotsam – I checked with my watch, and they both indicated it was only 04:30hrs! Christ, what time did I get up then?
I swore to take things calmly from here on today. And tackled the mammoth job of cleaning and sorting things out in the room. I’m not saying I didn’t have a few moments of self-pity cause I did feel sorry for myself once or twice. But found the determination to just press on with the sorting. No rushing, doing it quietly. I got something out of it at the end of the task, I’d got three waste bags full of rubbish to go to the chute. Hahaha! Somehow or other, I perked up a smidgeon, too! It was well gone eight O’clock by the time I’d sorted the mess. Then I made a prayer for it not to happen again for a while, please.
It then dawned on me… the Morning Carer had not been yet? Quick as a flash, I realised it was a Saturday, so no 
fretting. Meridian was very late arriving last Saturday as well. They do have trouble getting staff at the weekend, it seems. Moments later, a call came in through the landline, and it was from Meridian.
The lady told me that the Carer was outside and could not get in. I took it as she was outside the building and told her to press the intercom 72 and I could let her in… then I thought I’d better check, and I inquired if she was outside the door or the flats? But the lady did not know. I said I’d get my walking stick and go have a look. Got the Wooden Wilmer stick, and I went to the door.
The Carer was outside of the flat door, complaining because she could not get the key lock code to work. I smiled gently, using one of my calming half-smiles, and told her I can’t either! And broke into a broad grin. That did it, I think; I caught her heart! 
Hahaha! I explained that the door was not locked; sometimes, I forget to unlock it, but not often. If she presses this button, pointing out the door chime, I will hear it, but not anyone knocking on the door. I’m deaf, senile and decrepit, but that can’t be helped. She did larf! I liked her straight away.
Her name was Sinead, not seen before. I think she was from another assignment somewhere else; that’s why she was late, getting me added to her list. Nice gal, we had a little chinwag. She said she’d come again if she got the chance.
Well, I’ve still not done the Health Checks yet, better get them done. The last time I did them later in the day, the figures were down, so here’s hoping.
Well, that didn’t help much, doing it late, did it? Ah, well, as a part of my commitment to resist swearing, feeling sorry for myself and keeping calm, all I can say is: Hey-Ho!
Time to sort out something for dinner; no bother making up my mind today; I’ve a fancy for some chips and a veggie burger! The chips are oven ones that claim to be vegan. looking forward to trying them.
and 
Yet again, the photo I took of the meal has evaporated into the ether! I’d love to know how this happens; cause I took a look at it after shooting it and was pleased with the result. Come the morning, when I uploaded the last few photographs, there it was gone! Grrr!
The chips looked very tattie and were thick-skinned, but I did enjoy them all the same. Taste-Rating: 6.5/10.
Arrived, it was Sharon; I knew her name the second she told me after I asked her what it was! (Dementia Doreen again!) She didn’t stay long, but we managed a mini-natter before she chose her treats and departed.
Washed the pots, locked the door and a rinse, and made for the warmth of the rickety c1966 recliner. I feared that I may not be able to get back to sleep and put the telly on… but could I find anything worth watching? No!
I mused over which DVD to watch. Whilst doing so, I drifted off into Sweet Morpheus’ land… Nice!
Two hours later, I woke in desperate need of a wee-wee! The memories of this morning’s facial, embarrassing and painful events came flooding back.
Would I make it to the NWWB (Nocturnal-Wee-Wee-Bucket) in time without any more Accifauxpas? 
again, but I got things flowing without any disasters.
Stopping it flowing was the problem! The 
went on and on… I was almost tired out by the time it ended. Hehehe! I did have a mini 
during the leaking, but it only lasted for seconds – 
!
I felt the warm wet sensation when I pulled up the PPs. So, off I limped with Metal Micky to change the pants and clean up.
As I entered the wet room,
I stubbed my toe against the vicious, blood and bruise-bringing, metal, agony-to-use, brutal
!
I’m sure she had moved from this morning; I thought I’d put her safely out of the way behind the mop bucket… I’m sure I did! Now, she was near the sink? Obviously, the work of the mysteries of Winwood Heights, the ghosts, wraiths, spectres, cacodemons, apparitions and other grotesqueries haunt the hallways and lobbies, searching for Inchcock, to create ambiguities, abstrucities, perplexities, misfortunes and botherations, to scare. worry and confuse me! Or maybe 
.
That was the end of any thoughts of getting back to sleep again!
Eventually, I got yesterday photo’s saved. Obviously, before the cameras joined forces to really piss me off!
Somewhat bloated, methinks. So much so that the pressure forced the blood out when I had my first toe-stumping of the day.
Fridays Health Checks
Up a bit?
Unsure about this one.
No idea!
Might have put this on earlier and the lower one.
And again…
Of course, I could be wrong…
The carer read the label cooking instructions and wrote them down for me.
Artwork from a dear friend in America. Patti, from when I had the heart op ♥ Bless you, Patti!
Seaweed Snacks Delivered!
Friday fridge.
Crap Health Check Photo?
Well, what a pillock! Not really; the letters were too small for me to read; I asked Malcolm if I’d got it in the right hole – I hadn’t!
Swapped the plug into the little hole, and a little red light lit! So at least I know it’s charging. 
After another ever-waking-up night’s lack of sleep, I woke and was about to launch into a state of blaspheming Sweet Morpheus’s reluctance to let me stay asleep. Fed-uppedness, niggardlyness, and a smidge of feeling sorry for myself. 
But, Dementia Doreen allowed me to remember about the hospital visit today, and the bitterness dissipated, to be replaced by a remarkably determined Inchcock, who set about getting all the things needed for the hospital visit. (Fair enough, he did forget some items, Humph! 
I waited until it was late enough, and then I decided to get the ablutions done. What a great session! There were only two tiny cuts shaving, one clouting the head against the power box when I bent to retrieve the loofah I’d dropped in the shower. Great! That was it Whoopsie and Accifauxpas wise.
B
Oh, ‘ecky thump! After emptying things out to make room, and started to put the paperwork, keys and the Crossword book in the jacket… They each fell right through and dropped on the floor at my feet! What’s going on here, I muttered! I went into Sherlock Holmesian Mode (I do that sometimes).
I went to admit the lad; he was alright about things. He soon got on with the medicationing for me. With a wry smile on his mush at my antics, forgetting to unlock the door, the marks on my face and head etc… We both saw the funny side. Hahaha!
The intercom rang and flashed – Aha, it was the ambulance lift. I told the man I’d come down, saving them the bother of coming all the way up then down again.
When we arrived, friendly and slowly driven, at the Queens Medical Centre, both lads came with me to the 
The Ophthalmologist lady came for me and led me to an even smaller room this time. Heck of a lot of examining and questions were gone through.
The eyes were tested using a log mar chart. In-depth history and current problems with sight. The Doctor knew what she was doing alright, it seemed to me. But I had to keep asking her to repeat things. Very quietly spoken lass.
They got me inside and buckled in and went to get another patient from across the roadway. No problem. While they were out, I got my Canon camera and took some photo’s inside the ambulance. T
first one is through the window on the back of the driver’s cab (above). 
Finally, one of the side doors and my beloved, makes-me-feel-safe three-wheeler walker. No patient came with them. So we set off for Sherwood and Woodthorpe Court independent living flats!
To my utter surprise, it was the Evening Carer Nichola… no, sorry, Natalie. My inner clock had gone all pear-shaped with the visit to the clinic. After she’s been here a few minutes, I realised that I had no trousers on!
I concentrated on getting some much-needed food and made myself a quick meal. A can of the wonderful-tasting Morrison’s saver chilli con carnie and some potato cubes did them in the oven, to crisp them a little. A simple and cracking meal! It could have been because I was ravenous and tired and frustrated. I added only liquid salt and a splash of Worcester sauce and vinegar for the potatoes. I gave this effort a mammoth flavour rating of 9.2/10! Really enjoyed it!
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And seconds later, the Sainsbury order came in,
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Back onto the computer again,
03:15hrs: I woke up, with the theme tune, “Life, is the name of the game, and I wanna play the game with you” ringing in my head? 
I shall not go into too much detail of the terrible, trying, tantamount to agony-ridden evacuation. But Constipation Conrad had the upper-hand in the battle. I was on the Throne for about 20-minutes. The crossword book as tackled. Blood flowed. And all with the one line of the ‘the Generation Game’ milling about in my head. Hehe! 
seemed to be working okay. 
Then, carrying the tea into the junk room, I dropped the mug! I was so low in spirits, it didn’t seem to bother me much. I just cleaned up the mess, thinking how lucky I was in not breaking the cup.
Much CorelDrawing, making graphics for the blog tomorrow. 
at me as if I’m an idiot. 
I got the nosh sorted out. Chicken breast, and tried the weirdly named Iceland fries, branded as ‘Naturally Imperfect Chips’. They were okay. The chicken breasts were a bit rubbery. Some seaweed crispies and an apple on the side on another plate. Two mini-Vienesse lemon cakes. No, that’s what they are called. I went to look at the part empty box. Lemon Whirls. A can of the delightfully tangy Clementine drink, too.
This was one of the more painful varieties of evacuation. Auto-starting and the movement flowed, well crept so slowly and hurtfully, but there was no forcing or stopping it! One had to just sit there writhing in agony until it was over! And believe me, it felt like hours before it did so! Probably just a couple of minutes, though. I go into detail, as a warning to younger folk, get your Pancreas (the whole system really) checked at the first signs of struggling or blood! I didn’t, so more fool me, too late now! But not for you whippersnappers out there! Please! 
Very messy, I needed a lot of cleaning and medication afterwards, but this is all to be expected nowadays. Off to the kitchen, to get the kettle on, important things first. Haha! 
I stopped to have some brekkers. I considered delving into the giant pot of luxury Sicilian Lemon layered yoghourt. (Rich British Cream and a zesty Sicilian lemon compote!) but I resisted this time. Although
I opted for some Crunchy Nut flakes instead. I enjoyed them immensely, with no guilt showing up whatsoever! Washed the dish and cutlery, and was feeling tired now. But all my concentration would be needed now!
01:50hrs: I stumbled into a sort of imitation life, and waited a few seconds for the brain to catch me up. When it did, the short pleasant moments of vagueness and freedom from fears ended. As the cerebrum galvanised into life, the regular first instructions on waking arrived; “You need the Porcelain Throne, now!” 
The evacuations started then stopped part-way again. I waited for nature and my innards to move things along, cause last time I energetically encouraged activity, the bleeding was terrible. To avoid a repeat, I waited patiently, and in pain, nevertheless, I still fell asleep on the Throne! Harumph! It’s not the first time I’m done it, but I haven’t for a long time now. I even had a dream, that seemed to me so vivid, I got the impression when I woke up, that I’d been dreaming for ages. But the clock told me, I’d only been in the arms of Morpheus for two minutes or so? In the dream, I was in a Courtroom, built from parts of bodies and innards as if I was in a chest or something. I was discussing and arguing with ribs, lungs etc. about why they weren’t sorting out a pact with the Neurotransmitters to get them to work again? 
To find that Jenny stood there with a new picker-upper in hand for me to have! (She had read the blog and the picker-upper fiasco, and there she was helping me out again, Bless her cotton socks!) ♥. We chatted a little, and Jenny gave me good advice on certain things, and off she went. I can’t even remember if I thanked her properly, for the Godsent help, for at the end of the day, this tool became so priceless and pain-saving. (Explained later on). I thought I’d get one of the long reach ones today, from the Disability shop in Arnold, that collapse (they break in half when you fall on them, hehe!) and can be taken with me in the trolley guide when I go shopping. This one was perfect for picking up, as I found out when I tried it on a tablet! Smashing, thanks, Jenny, you truly are a comforting, faith-returning Angel! ♥
Back to the wet room, and finished off, got dressed, and ready with a deal of alacrity, to be in time to catch the bus. I took the bags to the waste chute on the way out. 
The sun was bright, but it was bitterly cold, I was glad when the bus arrived. As I got settled in the side-saddle seat, I noticed how white and pale the hands looked? Either the carbolic soap had increased in strength, or I’d died and nobody told me! Hahaha! 
I looked up and noticed how deep in thought, and Russian-Romanian looking, Mary was. I sneaked this surprisingly decent snap of her. 
Off to the Futltons Food shop. Found another type of Tuna for Josie, and got a bottle of sterilised milk. 
Out in the heatless sunshine onto Front Street and to the bus stop. No signs of Mary? As I stood there waiting, Mary arrived, telling me she was going to Asda 
So, I waited and caught the bus and as it went on its circuitous route, the brain seemed to go into one of its vacuous-moments. I may well have fallen asleep, though. Either way, I was shaken out of it, by the driver papping his horn. 
Back at the flats, I had a job getting up on my feet to get of the bus. (Arthur Itis’s knees) The driver was patient with me. 
but gelid sun seemed to be getting brighter now. I arrived at the Woodthorpe Court entrance and took this shot. I thought at this time, of the fire last night, and the good fortune that it was at nighttime. For sure, the emergency services 
would have difficulty in finding anywhere to park, not that it would have been easy in the day either really. 
I made up some wholemeal rolls, buttered, added cooked slices, and thickly cut black Ibera tomatoes, salted them. Then I added the truffle-chips to the tray. A pot of lemon yoghourt for afters, and got settled in the £300, second-hand recliner to digest the fodder. 
So, no nosh tonight then! I did have some biscuits to nibble, mindful that Duodenal Donald might kick-off as well if I didn’t eat something. I don’t think I could have coped if he’d joined in with the others at the same time. Then I realised I had not taken the medications, so I did! 
01:15hrs: I woke with the mind doing ut own thing again, and I genuinely feared the worst. Yet, within a few minutes, I was battling out of the £300 second-hand recliner, had urged and forced my misshaped, wobbly mass of a body onto its feet, and did few moves, bends and wriggles to test out the ailments, and was in recent form, I thought, anyway. 
The evacuation almost had me cheering! It was that good! Not too big, 
I made some tea and took the medications. Then got the updating of the blog done. The saving was failing a few times, but this time, I thought it might be a WordPress problem? The updating took ages, mostly through having to keep stopping for Saccases-Sandra to clear. Many hours after starting, I got it finished. Phew! 
I turned everything off and got the ablutions tended to. I called on Josie again first, while I’d got clothes on. No answer again. 
The ablutions produced many dropsies. No proper Whoopsies, though. Another call on Josie, no luck. 
Back to the stone-cold meal, not that there was much to harm. Only the mushrooms, garden peas and potatoes were heated anyway.