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SD CARD FOUND STUCK UNDER RECLINER! The last two lines added
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TODAY HAS BEEN THE WORST EVER FOR DEPRESSION
I’m sorry, but things are getting gradually worse.
The insurance company has cancelled my policy for some reason. Carer Kara told me not to worry weeks ago when they sent a letter telling me I had not paid. Kara had sent the month through the bank, as she is my official representative.
Now it seems I have a different Carer, who can’t talk to the bank, and muggings here can’t get through because I’ve forgotten how to do it. The new catheter is a night and day, mare.
Concentration is taken over by worrying.
I have had the odd moment of feeling easier, but that only comes when I give up and think silly things.
Not in good shape at the moment.
I’ve not done many photos.
The electric shocks have lessened after yesterday.
Carer Precious. Carer Maryham. She helped me get dressed after checking the body for marks and ointmentating the chest and ‘other’ areas. She helped me put on the Yaohuole gown, put the old one in the laundry bag, and took it down for me as she left. Bless her.
I was not feeling down at all; in fact, I was high.
Later, Carer Joanne called with a training Carer. She was Carer Šelin. Nice gal. Listened to Joanne’s instructions.
I was then even higher, singing.
Then, later, Carer Chris arrived. A letter from the insurance company had been delivered. This is terrible news for me. How the hell can I sort it out now?
I’ll do my best. I’m struggling.
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Not a lot, but clear.
First view.
Guess where I went…
Not that I was too bothered; I’d sank a little.
Second photo.
While up, I got the pander peas podded.
I shelled them and put them in the pan with some demerara sugar, and this time, I used ordinary salt.
Lack of concentration.
Fed up. I wrote a terribly sour ode, but I am unsure if I should publish it on tomorrow’s blog. It is a cry for help, I think.
See how things go the morrow.
I was sorely tempted to start on the booze again.
I’m sure I will soon. That’s how bad the depression is getting to me today. Bad!
When the seizures started, I couldn’t have cared less. Dark thoughts milled around.
Self-pity and loathing at the same time.
I’ve no idea why I put this on? I took it weeks ago.
No memory of taking these four, but it looks like I did them all at the same time; it may have been before I got the spuds in the oven on a low heat for later.
Beautiful!
And stayed in there for about three hours!
I may have to have instant mash later. Tsk!
Tried to catch up with the blogging. I’d spent so much time being depressed, coping with seizures or emptying this ridiculously tiny day catheter pouch.
If I recall correctly, I was going to check on the state of the spuds and got distracted by the changing sky.
The spuds were left for another hour and a half before I remembered about them!
Went to salvage what I could.
A slight altercation getting the spuds out of the oven.
The meal didn’t look attractive.
A vegetarian one this time.
But it tasted good to me.
After Carer Chris had departed, I washed the things, put them away, and took these sun-setting shots.
Looked a little like a water painting job.
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TTFN
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0:45hrs: Pretty yellow wee-wee. N
From the kitchen.
I got some clothes that no longer fit me and made two more bags. I don’t know how I can get them to the charity shop. I’m not putting the old stuff in it; they went in the waste bags.
The Morrison order arrived.
I think my feeling as depressed as I am may be worse than the frustration of not being able to pull out of it? 
So, everything else was backlighted.
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I decided to get the ablutions tackled. And although something had to go wrong, it was chicken feed compared to my usual disasters.
my diabetic socks off! Then offing the straps from the pathetic new catheter contraption. Painfully, I
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I realised I had not put the bath towel in the bag yesterday! I don’t like using one too often. But 
, who has not visited me for days now, took her opportunity at the optimum time to issue the maximum pain. As I was carrying the stick, towels, Alarm bracelet, and flannels to go in the laundry bag before I got dressed, she kicked off, and in the process, she shoulder-charged the bloody door frame!
Still, apart from this, I’d done well! As I emptied the pouch for the fifteenth time today, I saw how good the legs looked. Even the ankle ulcers seemed to be calmer. And incidentally, I’ve hardly had any of the expected lighting strikes from 
, either. Puzzling.
Took this snap of the clouds as I started getting the food prepared. 
I was happy with the result of the food prepping. 
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Something’s gone wrong with Cathy Cathere’s Contraption. A great colour, but so little urine in there? It was a terrible night’s sleep. I’d estimate I managed a maximum of around two hours. One or two minutes at a time, then bursting awake with either a tug at or pushing in of poor Little Inchie from the too-thick and too-long catheter tube. Or 
in unison, belting up the legs. Each time, the shadow of depression waiting to piss me off even more than getting little sleep did!
However, I was absolutely exasperated with and sick of hearing myself moan, feeling so melancholy, dejected, useless, and at the lowest point in my life. I made a concerted effort to spring myself out of this feeling of self-hatred and despondency, although I had no idea how to do that. 
. I went into a few separate but 
carried on
must have.
I sorted out what to have for my nosh. I decided on a sweet and sour vegetable ready-made meal. I added half a jar of sauce, with a can of peas thrown into the saucepan to add when the 
Chinese are cooked. Fingers crossed.
Can you see what this young, youthful, pareidoliaing addict can do in the snap on the left in the clouds? A double-headed creature of some sort? Also, some cat’s heads?
I came across this one on the right in the morning while updating.
Ah, I can recall with one with some pleasure. First, I’d put some chips in the oven. Later, I warmed up the sweet and sour vegetable ready-made meal in the microwave and added a tin of peas. I bundled it all in a dish and feasted away.
Got the dishes washed and tried but failed on the Porcelain Throne.
I settled down to watch two episodes of ‘Heartbeat’.
. I was a little miffed at all the waking-ups but even more unsettled for not recalling any details of the dreams. Suddenly, Carer Israel was back on his last visit. And I was in the same position as I was when he arrived for his previous visit… he told me. Hehehe! 
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Usual dark wee-wee.
Nice dark morning.
Bright lights.
He’s only just weakening!
Lighting up.
I selected another ready meal to have later.
back on. Yet, I was cleaning the kitchen sink. How the heck can that be? I found a photo that I can’t recall taking, and when I got back to the computer, what a mess I’d made. I uploaded the wrong day’s graphics and photos; I had to delete and rearrange them. Only to find I’d made the same error again!
Took this photo later. Eerie clouds, I liked it.
Forgot to take a photo of the meal until I was ¾ of the way through eating it. Not bad.
This last photo looked similar to the one this morning?
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crumb-containing, TV remote hiding, not working recliner. I nodded of quickly, waking
current that crawled up from the ankle to my crutch!
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As I checked the nocturnal pouch, I discovered the urine looked murky, to say the least. Yet it was not such a deep colour today.
full of incomplete crosswords over the years. It still is
I didn’t find a single solution, and I had no success with the evacuation struggle. Then I washed and got the computer booted up. They don’t use that term much nowadays, do they? 
well for an end-of-shift call, bless him.
Then, I made another trip to the Porcelain Throne, hopes high, as the last visit was not so painful.
Back on the computer again.
to change my catheter contraption. He was in a hurry. I diagnosed that straight away. But she did not rush me. It was I think, it was 
who came. She was the nurse who was called last visit when the other one could not get the tube back in Little Inchie. This time, it was the reverse; Sarah couldn’t get it back in. She lost even more time, needing around 20 minutes to get it in, but she did it. 🧡 She put in extra pain gel twice cause she realised how much it was hurting me. I suspect my howling, arghing, wincing & the tears running down my cheeks may have been a clue. Haha!
Off Sharon flew, and I got seated on the computer chair.
The leg straps had opened, causing the pouch to sink even lower down my leg. The exit tube is now resting and leaking again on the top of my foot!
Lamb meat (shredded) with extra-thick gravy, mint, and oven chips. Wholemeal Bread thins and a dessert pot.
As I washed the pots, Dizzy Dennis hit me and continued to do so for the rest of the night.
raided,
TTFN
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Slept for a full 3 uninterrupted hours. 03:00hrs to 06:00.
Getting out of the c1966, £300 charity shop bought, second-hand, wincingly grotty, beige coloured, not working, crumb-covered from the nocturnal nibblings, itch-making, uncomfortable, virus-breeding, easy-to-fall-out-of, recliner, was a lot easier than scrambling out of the hospital bed. But, more painful to fall back into when 
gave way as I stood up. The bed has a definite advantage to fall on; it’s so much higher!
Another long session was spent on the 
. The usual practices were carried out; a go at the crossword, but no answers were found this time. I counted 22 cracks in the ceiling. 
wind from the rear end! I put on a fresh gown, olive-oiled both of the earholes and took a Senna tablet in hopes of encouraging some movement from the rear end.
Next, I creamed and ointmentated various gargantuan-sized wobbly belly areas requiring the same treatments.
mugs-a-day ruling… is it too early? Will I want a third cup later tonight? Could I care less? I made one. And let it go cold after I’d started on the blog!
I wiped the mug and prepared it for the next brewing of tea later on. Then, I took this photo from the kitchen window. It doesn’t show well, but I saw some items 
on the bottom of the upward-trodden path. I zoomed in close to identify what they were
I was working on the ode of the day
created in the building up of mass in the solid matter. Hahaha!
I took even more of the anti 
the inserted instructions leaflets.
I was on CorelDraw and was alternating with this WordPress blog, and got blowback pains from the catheter tube stuck in Little Inchie. Had a look and, to my utter amazement, found the pouch so full, hard and heavy; it had tugged at Little Inchie, causing some bleeding again.
manually again. I’d hate to think I could and had had the darned 
on all this time and didn’t need it. What am I thinking and saying? As if anything would go right for me! 
time. I’m off to the Throne. And yet again, no evacuation!
Five minutes after getting back to 
of effort, struggles, and phenomenal pain, at last, the blood-covered, almost cube-shaped lumps of concrete passed! Ahhh
What an evening view I took from the kitchen window.
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Back to darker again.
I took a series of Kodak-2 shots from the kitchenette window.
Raining shots with the spare camera.
Another no evacuation evacuation.
A little more rain.
An early, tasty meal.
Did anything I miss happen today?
Ah, missed the sun on its way down.
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Constipation Conrad was still in full charge of the evacuations. I had to do the ablutions so late at night that I had to contain the urge to howl out with the pain! Before things started moving, I had a go at the crossword and got four answers. 👌 
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into the WC!
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Oh, a much better colour!
I felt sorry for the poor birds out there trying to keep their nests in the trees and find food for their young.
Took this snap of three little dogs on their morning walkies.
Second attempt on the loo.
ARRGH!
Still awaiting the sun to come out to play.
Made a brew and got a visitor. Doing the carer’s assessment.
I mentioned the wind coming through the kitchen windows and vent, is was damned cold in there. Not thinking, of course. It’s nowt to do with Meridian. I bet he thought, “Hello, I’ve got the right one here!”
The clouds thickened a little, and the sun forced its way through minutes later.
Beautiful!
This thermometer was in the kitchen, leaning against the kettle, showing 58°f. Brrr!
Finally, a meal I could enjoy.
Night-night shots are taken within ten minutes of each other.
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Well, shiver me timbers! I woke and edged to the side of the bed to pull up the nocturnal catheter tube, and I was gobsmacked, even disconcerted to see how little urine was in the catheter bag. Just look at it. And it was so light in colour. What’s happened here, I asked myself. I half expected to find there had been a leak somewhere along the 
, and I felt around my body and the bed for any signs of wetness! But found none.
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as expected every morning
I gave up and removed the night attachment tube. The day bag on my leg seemed to be completely empty.
Constipation Conrad was still in charge, and starting the motion was a long job. I gave the crossword a few minutes while waiting for a response from the innards. When things did move, the pain was so bad that I decided it best to keep pushing through the pain barrier and amazingly cleared the mammoth, concrete toilet-blocking torpedo. It was a thud more than a splash when it finally exited and landed. I stayed sitting there to recover for a moment and thought, “Well, that’s a good start to the day. I couldn’t pee through the catheter, couldn’t pass through the rear end, and I could already feel the blood pouring from poor 
. And now, I didn’t need to look. I had the job of breaking up the blocking of the WC brick torpedo so it would flush away! I did this with one of the bamboo canes I keep handy for the job. I must get some more of them in.
As I 
slippers. Bless him.
At long last, I updated yesterday’s blog. I had this idea for an extra ode, and I couldn’t stop myself from making it. It took me ages.
Then, we had another fire alarm, which made me jump a little. The new baby monitor, which Jennie suggested and Warden Dean fitted for me, made the alarm sound as if it was one for the flat. It was so loud. Great!
The wind was still howling. I took these snaps from the kitchenette window of the clouds, which were also moving at a fair rate of knots. The first one was shot to the left, and the second photo was taken to the right of the flats. 
There I was, making a Co-op food order. I am not bothering anyone, all alone, and for once today, coming out of the bad start, and even singing a Frankie Vaughan song, ‘Green Door’… and 
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Boris’s farcicalness this morning
The food arrived… Carer Chris brought it up for me.
The Dirty Fries will be cooked shortly. They had no fresh pod peas in stock. 
I went of to get the cooking started. Hopefully, without any burnt fingers or hands, well, any part of my torso. 
farcicalnesses.
I prepped and served the food on the tray, then went to the £300 second-hand shop bought, c1966, moth-eaten, bedraggled, grotty, cringingly beige-coloured, much-dilapidated, crumb-containing from my nocturnal nibblings, bug-ridden, itch-inspiring, not working recliner, to feast.
Carer Christopher came for his last call of the day. We took off the diabetic socks, decided I didn’t need any painkillers, and then put on the nocturnal pouch to the catheter for me.
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were far less bothersome.
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Not good.
It took me ages to encourage it.
First view of the morning.
I enjoyed eating… no, podding the garden peas,
Oh, the moon is right high up in the sky. It must be earlier than I thought? I could see its surface, but the camera did not pick it up at all. Shame!
Computer on, first mug of tea.
This is the second and last mug of tea of the day. Not much has been added to my reminder notepad. Tsk!
Oh, it’s getting dark already.
I ate all the gorgeous fresh peas that had not been nibbled raw earlier in the day, as well as tomatoes, instant mash, and a vegetable pastie. All went down well!
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