A Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe – Part 10

Woes10 001Includes Dad’s designs on saving dental costs!

Dad insisted that I came home from school, cleaned out the fire grate, chopped some wood, and laid the fire in readiness for his arrival home from work.

He considered it a waste of money if I lit the fire before he got in. Also I was to ready a meal for him – getting the money out of him was harder than climbing Mount Everest with two broken legs, being blind, and using a camel as a guide-dog!

Yes, I spent many an hour at the doorstep awaiting his arrival home, looking down the row of terraced houses past the open sewers that time had forgotten about.

It could be anything from 1800hrs to 2230hrs when he would round the corner, ambling in his unrushed manner, sometimes after stopping off at the pub on the way home.

So if he’d eaten in the bar or chippie, and did not want his dinner – no, I couldn’t eat it, it had to be saved until the next night – and believe me, even in summer, and bear in mind we had no luxuries like a fridge (actually we had no luxuries at all that I can recall), he did always eat it on the next night!

A Penny for the Pain

Dad, being Dad, he spent nothing if it could be avoided, he even used to pull my teeth with his cobbling pliers. Lifting me above the sink to catch the blood, gritting his teeth, taking a mega-firm grip, and yanking out the offending tooth (and often the wrong one), he’d rinse out my mouth, and… and for anyone who knew him might find this hard to believe, he’d give me a ‘penny for the pain’.

Mother Returns, I do a Bunk!

When dear mater returned to the fold this time, the gloom returned, and I was most despondent and sorrowful. So much so, that on the first night she returned, I decided to run away!

Not exactly the best planned escape you’ve will have ever heard of.

I took a bag of crisps and a bottle of Redgate’s ‘pop’ in a Marsden’s carrier bag, and legged it out of the back door while Mother and Father were in the front room arguing as usual.

The time being around 2030hrs, I had no idea where I was going, but seem to remember having set out with great determination that I was never going to return to the violence and anger at home again.

I ended up walking down Wilford Road to Castle Boulevard from Trent Bridge, and turned onto Abbey Bridge, which was where the fear and realisation of my situation suddenly gripped me, that I was not sure why or where I was!

I Return

I changed my mind about absconding, and started to walk back to No. 4 Brookfield Place (my home), as I turned into Wilford Street, and it began to get dark, I started to panic, and began running.

That was when a black Triumph Standard car pulled up beside me, and a man shouted something I couldn’t hear properly, and I got the energy through fright, to run even faster… I turned down Traffic Street, and could hear the car following as it revved and suddenly the brakes squealed!

I shot up an entry, only to find it was a dead end, as I realised this, I felt myself being lifted into the air by a chap, and carried back out of the entry, then being slapped up against the wall by the very tall man… who said in a dominating, intimidating gruff voice, “Furse’s had been robbed earlier tonight, what have you got in that carrier bag!”

It gleaned as another man joined him from the car, that they were CID Police Officers.

I came clean, and told them I’d run away from home, but had got scared and was on my way back home, told him my address, and (as was the case in them days) he said he knew Harry (my Dad), and would take me home to prove if I was lying or not.

By now it must have been getting on for midnight.

They threw me in the back of the car, and we drove home, to find the neighbours curtains twitched, and lights coming on in the Terrace.

One police officer rattled on the door, it took a while to wake mummy and daddy up, but it seemed the rest of the occupants of the Terrace had turned out to find out what was happening!

The door opened, before anyone appeared I knew it was mother, as I saw the cigarette smoke curling around the doorframe… it appears that no one had missed me anyway!

Mummy in her own caring way belted me around the head with her slipper for getting the police involved, and then it was upstairs where I found Daddy peeling his belt from around his trousers on the chair… a couple of good clouts around the legs, preceded a good four more on the bottom.

That night I went to bed in pain and even more confused than before!

Mother Does another Bunk

The next day Mummy dear disappeared again. It seemed the policemen calling had unnerved her usual steely resolve.

Social Services – Nottingham Lad needs Adopting -Can You Help?

Foster Parents needed for Nottingham Boy, can you help?

Advertised in the Nottingham Evening Post, this surely explains why we need to apply ourselves and provide the resources to cater for our young children?

Nottingham Council’s Adoption Agency

Nottinghamshire Council provides a range of services to look after children and aims to provide quality foster care placements to meet each child’s individual needs in respect of race, culture, religion, disability and language.

Can you offer a home to this young person?

Details:

Name: Juan Inchcock.

D.O.B.: 27 August 1947

Nationality: White, British. (We think)

Currently Being cared for by: Local muggers, and the NHS.

History:

* Survived double pneumonia at the age of 3

* Brought up by his father. Very little education received. No etiquette, decorum, deportment, or finesse installed.

* Mother on the run from the police 1950-51 – 1954-1955 – 1956-62

* Loved sports, but was totally useless at them.

* Went bald at 23 years of age.

* Worked for 50 years, in the Retail, Military, Security, and Gas lamp lighting trades – made redundant four times through no fault of his own.

* Broke eleven bones, crushed his right thumb, had a hernia repaired, cancer of the bladder lasered, duodenal ulcer, went deaf, needs three levels of spectacles, contracted Angina, Aorta heart valve replacement, Arthritis in knees and hands, his Reflux valve sticking, Kidney infection and chronically depressed .

* After his cardiac procedures were carried out, he started writing for the Spoof Website, and started his own blog site. Unfortunately, he gets confused at times, and started posting to the wrong site in mistake for the other.

* Then he contracted Arthritis, and Impetigo, currently being treated.

Medical care required:

He will have to attend a blood test, and await dosage recommendations for the Warfarin tablets he is on weekly if not daily according to results. He has a bus-pass, so you will not need to run him about; he is capable of hobbling to and from the medical appointment as necessary. The other 16 daily medications he is on, will require you to make sure he takes them in order and to the correct dosage:

* Codeine Phosphate as required

* Furosemide 40mg – one each morning

* Lactulose – three x 5ml spoonsful three times a day

* Bisoprolol (Beta Blockers) 25mg – one each morning

* Omeprazole 20mg – one each morning

* Iboprofen Gel – to be applied to the arthritic knees and hands when required.

* Ramipril 5mg – One in AM, one in PM

* Zocor 15mg – One in the evening

* Simvastin 40mg – One in the evening

* Otomise Spray – apply in ears three times a day

* Vitamin B Complex – one a day

* Glyceryl Trinitrate – 600mcg as required not more than two at a time though.

Plus of course, the specified dose of Warfarin for the day, at night.

In the event of the rare dizzy spells attacking Juan, leave him on the floor until he feels he can get up again.

Personal Traits:

Potty Training:

Originally fully potty trained, but Juan’s memory is getting worse, and this can cause the occasional problem. (Especially now he is on Water Tablets)

Eating:

Juan will eat anything not too rich. He has become accustomed since being made redundant, then retiring to living on Asda Smartprice, and Pound Shop products, and you will find these good value… crap!… but good value, and they will suffice for Juan.

Emissions of wind from his anus:

Possibly a by-product of his medications, be warned that after he had laser treatment, he is unaware of any build-up of gases, and they tend to burst out painfully, for him, and anyone in his vicinity.

His Nature:

He is an easy going boy, who likes to feed the pigeons and ducks.

It is essential that you supply an internet connection for him, so he can continue to present crap like this on blog website, as he is thoroughly addicted.

Do you feel you can help?

Anyone who feels they can take on Juan as foster parents, or adopt him, please send your application in to us, along with a Doctor’s, or Psychologist’s Sanity letter with confirmation of your mental condition.

A Nottingham Lad’s True Tale of Woe – Part 9

Currently a short portly-but-wobbly 67 year-old made redundant four times, dedicated NHS patient, with his new heart, arthritis, angina, prostate cancer, haemorrhoids, two hearing-aids wearing, bald, miniscule wedding tackle, knock-knees, hernia, bad eyesight, blood disorder and dizzy spells, oh… and depressed. The disasters, disappointments, successes (both of them), his failures, shattered dreams, false arrest, romantic frustrations, the rejections, inefficacious incidents, lack of education, along with the misfits misconceptions, misunderstandings, misadventures, misanalysis’, miscalculations, misinterpretations, misestimations, misfeasances, misperceptions, and miscellaneous miserable moments and occasions throughout his pathetically  unsuccessful life will be revealed. Starting at his birth into the cruel world; that event alone was singularly distressing for all.

Starting at his birth into this cruel world, that event alone singularly distressing for all.

Note I originally intended to leave this emprise out of my Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe, but decided even writing about it for the first time, brought a warm, comforting glow back to my lonely soul, so I put it in, despite the recent events in the news!

One Friday night, mother dear gently blew her fag smoke over me, as she cleared away my dinner things, (the enamel basin, mouldy crusts of the bread, and the empty Oxo cube foil) and spoke to me for the first time in two days, asking: “Would you like to go and stay with Auntie Mabel for a few days? She’s got a shed and garden you can play in?”

Perplexed by this magnificent offer, as I wasn’t aware of having an Auntie Mabel, I thought about the proposal, and thought it might be about time I spread my wings beyond the end of the terrace – so I gingerly accepted the invite, (unsure if it was actually an invite or an order to go) with reservations lingering about who the hell ‘Auntie Mabel’ was. (I’ve certainly never heard of her before or after this wonderful escapade).

So, that night, Mummy put a tea shirt, socks and undies into a ‘Marsden’s carrier bag, and off we went on a number 24 West Bridgford Urban District Council bus into the grand ‘Bread & Lard’ island of West Bridford. We dropped off somewhere near the canal. Then I was marched more than walked towards somewhere at Trent Lane end, and into the massive gardens of a foreboding big dark gardened house.

As mummy dear knocked on the door, it was opened immediately, with the ‘welcoming’ woman (Auntie Mable), ushering us in, and doen the steps to the downstairs kitchen. As we arrived in this kitchen, I knew something was very different to what I was used to… I thought for a while, and realised what it was, it had food in it!

I waited for the woman and precious mummy to conduct some business that involved the woman opening her purse and handing mater some cash. (This was not unusual, it’s the other way around that I cannot recall ever seeing happening).

So, with a quickly shouted: “Now you behave yerself for Auntie Mabel, she’ll bring yer back on Monday”, off she went, leaving little me sat on a stool sucking my thumb.

This heavily scented ‘Auntie Mabel approached, and offered me food the likes as I had never seen before, as she rubbed her hand up and down my young skinny legs.

* I liked that, but didn’t know why, but I liked it!

I was given a knife and fork to use, but didn’t know how to – this didn’t disturb ‘Auntie Mabel’ at all, as she produced some cake and ice-cream – again food I was unused to, but relished.

I was then taken upstairs, by the red faced, heavily lipsticked, nice smelling, plump, polite, slightly scary ‘Auntie Mabel’, who thought I could do with a bath. A real luxury here, and I didn’t have to bath myself – she saw to that.

*I liked that too, but didn’t know why!

It confused me a little, that certain areas of my anatomy were receiving a lot more attention than the rest of my puny underfed, scrawny body was.

* Again I liked that, but didn’t know why!

The drying off was with real towels too! Again certain areas got dried off with more attention than other areas.

* I liked that too, but didn’t know why!

‘Auntie Mabel decided as she was drying me off, that she’d like to take some photographs to remember me by, and this took about 2½ hours, what with all the “Must get you in the best position and lighting ‘my dear’!

* I liked that, but didn’t know why!

Time for bed she decreed, “Do you sleep with your mummy at home?” No chance I thought, but just squeaked a mild “No”. “Would you like to sleep with me tonight?”

* I liked that idea, but hadn’t the vaguest idea why!

“Please” I muttered.

I found out that the reason she was on her own, was that her husband was away on business, so we had to keep ourselves company so we don’t get lonely! She said.

No chance of that, I think we must have spent about 24 hours in bed! Still, I’ve always been up for getting educated.

* I liked that, and was beginning to understand why! Oh happy memories!

When we eventually rose up from bed, me being very sore, confused, but absolutely ecstatic, it was into the bathroom for another two hours.

* I loved that, but now knew why, and I was eagerly learning.

Then into the kitchen, for more food, (I must have eaten the equivalent to a months supply at home in three days)

The whole stay at ‘Auntie Mabel’s” consisted of the same and similar treatment.

* I liked that, but didn’t know why, but have been eternally grateful ever since!

I just hated it when it was all over!

She returned me home on Monday, offering one last concealed gentle caress and a couple of well aimed gropes as I entered the house.

How I begged to be taken back to see ‘Auntie Mabel’ again – but as mysteriously as she appeared in my life, she had heart-breakingly gone from it.

I spent the next two weekends searching to see if I could find her house again, but to no avail. Dad said had never heard of any Auntie Mabel either.

I still have my young memories of ‘Auntie Mabel’.

* I liked that, and now I do know why!

Nottingham Ice-cream manufacturer – new flavours to honour MPs

Ice-cream manufacturer Inchcock & Co are producing new flavours and names of ice-cream concoctions, in honour of individual MP’s and Political Parties performances in the Government, and opposition. 

Here is the full list to be available soon:

 

In Honour of: Nick Clegg

 Flavour/Name: Silent Souffle

 

In Honour of: Ed Balls

Flavour/Name: Stuffed British Gooseberries

 

In Honour of: David Cameron

Flavour/Name: Floral & Sweet Vanilla Mix & Nepotist Twist

 

In Honour of: Theresa May

 Flavour/Name: Dwarf Defence Damsons

 

In Honour of: Liam Fox

 Flavour/Name: Fiddler’s fricassee

 

In Honour of: Vincent Cable

 Flavour/Name: Mango Benefits Sorbet

 

In Honour of: Duncan Smith

 Flavour/Name: Speedy Gonzales Gateau

 

In Honour of: Chris Huhne

 Flavour/Name: Sour Grapes on an empty bed of NHS

 

In Honour of: Andrew Lansley

Flavour/Name: Borstal blancmange

 

In Honour of: Michael Gove

Flavour/Name: Collage of Curry

 

In Honour of: Eric Pickles

Flavour/Name: Fricassee of Fatuous Freaks

 

In Honour of: Honourable Lord Strathclyde Leader of the House of Lords

Flavour/Name: Watermelon Throw-away Surprise

 

In Honour of: Oliver Letwin

Flavour/Name: Old fashioned salad with Honeydew drips

 

In Honour of: The Labour Party

Flavour/Name: Lemons with little crumbs inside

 

In Honour of: The Lib-Dem Party

Flavour/Name: Cream of Chrematomania

 

In Honour of: The Conservative Party

Flavour/Name: Sour Grapefruit with spoon-in-the-mouth topping

 

In Honour of: The Conservative Party

Flavour/Name: Sour Grapefruit with spoon-in-the-mouth topping

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