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Inchcock Remembers the Royal Visit to Nottingham… (Sneer adopted)

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Inchcock’s Memories of the Royal Visit to Nottingham

Nottingham is preparing to give the Royal Family a warm welcome when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge visit the city with the Queen.

Residents have spoken of their joy and surprise after Buckingham Palace announced Prince William and Princess Catherine will join the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh on their trip to the city on June 13.

The Royals will greet crowds in the Old Market Square, before making an appearance on the balcony of the Council House.

They will then travel to Vernon Park, in Old Basford.

Iris Busley, 65, of Skylark Drive, Basford, was delighted at the news of the Royals’ trip to the area.

She said: “I’m really gobsmacked. We’ve never had anything like this in Basford before.

“It’s a once-in-a-lifetime occasion.”

Susan Davis, 59, of Corncrake Avenue, called for everyone in Basford to turn out for the occasion.

She said: “I just think it’s incredible. It’s just wonderful.”

Buckingham Palace announced the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh will arrive by train at Nottingham Station, where they will be met by the Duke and the Duchess of Cambridge.

The royal party will then be taken by car to the Old Market Square to greet the public, before going into the Council House to meet the Lord Lieutenants of Notts and Derbyshire and invited guests. Huh!

They are one of 16 couples in Notts given the honour in recognition of celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary this year. Mr Starbuck, of Clarewood Grove, Clifton, said: “It’s all come as a bit of a shock. We’re thrilled they are all coming to Nottingham.

“We will be more than pleased to meet them and welcome them to the city.”

A spokeswoman for Sir Andrew Buchanan, Lord-Lieutenant for Notts, said: “We are thrilled with the visit. It’s unlikely a visit of this magnitude will happen again.

“It’s a one-off, and we are all very excited about it.”

The trip to Vernon Park will see the guests of honour treated to sporting and musical performances by children from schools and groups from Notts and Derbyshire.

The Queen and Duke of Edinburgh will leave after this, but the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge will remain at the park to watch more activities.

Nottingham City Council leader, Councillor Jon Collins, said: “As the capital of the East Midlands, it’s great Nottingham’s playing host to this royal visit.

My response was:

I’m so glad for them both. FibMode

It will be a reet-treat for them!

Being a long time resident of Nottingham, being made redundant three times, living for a month on a pension that’s less than they pay for a bottle of champagne, recovering from heart surgery, suffering with arthritis, impetigo, and angina, collapsed reflux valve, haemorrhoids, and knowing where to find the cheapest short date foods to buy, will no doubt fascinate them.

I offered to show then around the places they would not usually visit without their nine full time protection armed officers and an MI 5 helicopter hovering above.

Well, you’ve got to try and help the poor little Royal mites, bless them!

* I can show them the fourteen police station torched in the Summer riots – or rather the six that are still operating anyway.

* The burn marks on the Canning Circus station grab bars still visible as you climb the steps to go into it to report your being mugged again still brings back memories.

0402* I could take them home and show them my album of photographs of the local yobbery, with the one of the young gang who terrorise we old fold with mugging us, carry guns, breaking into our property, egging our windows, door knocking and general anti-social behaviour.

* I could show them the scenes where a party-goer was shot in the head with an air rifle, that’s only a few hundred yards to the south of my house.

* Then the pub where a youth was shot and killed, that’s just a few hundred yards north of my house.

* The spot where a man sat in a car was shot at by members of one of the  many drug gangs, that’s about half a mile from my abode, and on my weekly 90 minute walking route to the hospital for my INR Warfarin level blood tests.

0401* Take them on my 40 minute walk to town down Mansfield Road, and point out the variety of closed down retail businesses (46), where the 84 year old lady was mugged and hospitalised last June, while at the bus stop by two illegal immigrants one Sunday morning,  the now closed down shop where a lady of 67 years of age was gunned down in a raid and no one has ever been caught for it.

* Let them see the colourful Big Issue sellers as they sometimes get off their mobile phones to actually sell an issue.

* The newly opened outlets in the city centre – the Charity shops, the Bookmakers, the Coffee shops, Pawnbrokers and the ‘We buy your gold’ retailers.

* The constant traffic jams in the city, where they could increase their word knowledge I’m sure!

* Take them to the Arboretum, where sometimes you can find enough grass to sit on without having to move the used condoms, beer cans (Empty), pop and water bottles (Half-empty), half eaten take away foods, fag packets, phlegm, and sick, while they can listen to three or four other peoples music at the same time!

I haven’t had a reply to my offer yet!

I recall when I was in E19 Men’s surgical at the QMC a few years ago now, and Prince Charles was in a ward to himself above us, with two nurses and a sister in attendance full time – having his ‘tennis elbow fixed’!

I was having a hernia repair done, when they found I’d got cancer of the bladder, so attended to that for me at the same time… bless them.

0501* I might show them a photo of one of me nosh’s, to see how it matches with one of theirs? I bet they’d only be jealous though?

When Princess Diana arrived on a visit to Charles, with her armed protection officers, they were admitted through a fire door to avoid the awaiting press – someone shouted out in great admiration – “Oh… it’s Lady Di, and all the staff ran to the window to take look down at her… unfortunately for me, the auxiliary nurse was taking out my drainage tube from my penis at the time, and as she shot off to get a view of the royalty, she caught and dragged the tube with her foot, and I was covered in blood and in great pain!

I bet nothing like that happened to Charlie when he was having his tennis-elbow sorted?

Angry? Me?

Well….

Tue 19.5.15: Inchcock Today: Progress! Too late but still, Progress!

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Tuesday 19th May 2015

I felt a bit like the sky this morning IMG_0266a, bit dark and unsettled, on edge, anxious.

Must do me best to get some sorting done again: I just hope BJ gets in touch. I think he rang last night but just ‘Private number’ shown on phone.

Must remember Wednesday the Age UK gentleman is calling and Thursday the evaluator from Spencer Courts is coming to interview and assess me for application to the flat.

The mind still swirling. The littlest setback criticalistion or failure and down I go. Sad state of affairs.

Even me BP readings looked dodgy to me this morning, I’ll ask the District Nurse when she comes to give me the needle, if she can have a look.

Sys 131, Dia 76, Pulse 99, Temp 34.6c?

Started this diary – had a washski and started to sort some paperwork out.

BJ rang again, this time on another phone that showed up – rang him back. His better half answered, BJ will call later to see me.

I think missing me walks and wanders is doing me no good, but just do not have the time with all these appointments to go on ’em – Sad!

So, Wednesday Age UK advisor coming – Thursday MRBHA assessor coming, Friday clinic, District nurses twice a day  for the next six days at least.

BJ called and I explained me situation come plight to him – he took me bags of washing to give Mandy at the launderette to do a service wash for me bless him. He said he would come this afternoon to take some of the bags away for me. What a mate!

Waiting for the nurse I updated this sad Tommy-rot. Whilst doing so the warm wet sensation came in me pants – Boggleplonkdamn! – Little Inch was bleeding again. Cleaned missen up and continued to wait for the nurse.

IMG_0003Nurses arrived and done me injections. We had a nice chin-wag for a bit.

I then searched totally without any success for me multi-point Sim card attachment for the laptop, the one I’d used  three hours ago! After over an hour of searching I gave up. Oh dear…

Updated this diary to here, then waited to hear from BJ.

BJ arrived, returned me done service-laundry (£15.99) and set too helping me sort the bags out, and he not only took bags to the bins, but lifted me to the computer shop, where they didn’t have any multi-card reader (shame) and then to the Nottingham Hospice shop with the bags, heater, TV and DVDs. Unfortunately, the lady said they cannot accept or sell TVs? So BJ ran us to the Sue Ryder shop and they accepted it.

Got a call from the nurses, the Anoxaparin was to be stopped – as me last INR test had improved. So nobody will be calling who I can have natter with – Huh!

IMG_0004Then back to the flea-pit and BJ spent hours helping me sort a corner out.

During which it suddenly hailed in bucketfuls.

By now I was done in physically but still wanted to get a multi-card reader to replace the one that had magically disappeared.

So when BJ left, saying he’s try to get here tomorrow afternoon and help some more, I thanked him and set off for the bus-stop to go into town and Jessop’s camera shop.

IMG_0005Damned decent chap is BJ.

One of the best, bless him.

As I waked along the hail that had fallen for a few minutes had turned into snow.

Down Church Drive over the pelican crossing and down to the bus-stop.

I soon caught a bus into the City Centre. Got off on Milton Street and walked on to cross the lights into Clumber Street.

IMG_0006The famous Nottinghomian’s again proving there determination to ignore the Walk Don’t walk lights at all costs.

I popped into the Jessop’s shop anf got the multi-card reader – same model as the one I lost.

It was getting late now and I was getting more tired than ever – but as I passed some noshery or other – the smell of the food made me hungry again.

IMG_0008When I got on the bus I took a photo of a building housing shops, and mighty fine workmanship and design too. Erected in 1901 the plaque said.

When I got off the bus in Carrington the smell from the Greek fish &chip shop even smelt nice… well, not as repugnant as it usually does like.

The rain began starting as I got to the flea-pit.

I cooked me nosh and made a cuppa.

IMG_0010Then ate me nosh – bet yer can’t guess what all the ingredients were from this photographicalisation wot I dun?

Clues?: American… root, toms, beet, leaves, two kind of pot’s?

I’m so glad to be eating again.

Did some Facebooking and got me head down – now to see if me mind let’s me sleep Hehe!

Sat 16th May 2015: Inchcock Today

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Saturday 16th May 2015

Got up feeling well drained still – remembered bits of a dream involving a large house and various large ladies of an amorous nature I was pursuing around the rooms and gardens, happily they seemed to respond to my advances – now that really is a dream!

IMG_0237

Pretty but weird sky

On me way down to make a cup of tea, I espied the sky from the top window and thought it looked a bit different with its light blue with white edging and the swirling dark clouds above.

A sign of something coming methinks, but what?

It seemed a bit warmer this morning.

I remembered to get ready for the nurse coming to dispense the Anoxaparin injections into me ticker. They are coming in twice a day over the weekend (planned to anyway) to do this for me.

Did me BP thing: Sys 141-Dia 85-Pulse 85-Temp 33.1c

Checks on me other ailment: Arthritis knees not bad at all, hands fair, Blind-boil nasty, Anne Gyna fair, Duodenal ulcer okay, hernia okay, Reflux valve sticking but not swollen? Inch Lesion no bleeding, Haemorrhoids no bleeding.

IMG_0241

Breakfast today

Made me cuppa and had me breakfast (Medications hehe).

Started laptop and it didn’t recognise the power supply. This happened a couple of months ago and I had to get a new unit – Huh!

Started to create this diary.

The call to the porcelain intervened and things were still loose to say the least.

IMG_0243
The Sky continued to impress

Did a bit of sorting, but of course the bins are full and I’ve already got several black backs and box’s of stuff ready to find a kind person to take the away for me.

Weary now.

The District Nurse arrived and gave me some more bruises with the syringe bless her.

CityRain

Selfies of me syringe marks

She seemed intent on going in deeper than the other nurses did, tonight between 2000 > 2200hrs another nurse should be along to ‘do me’ hehehe!

Tried to do some ‘selfies’ (Is that the word?) of flabby belly bruises. More to come too. Hey-ho! 

So I’m going to try and get some sleep in between because I really feel knackered now, excessively so.

I’ll try to do some Facebooking and see how I feel first.

IMG_0242Had me nosh for the day.

Fell asleep – easily.

Woke around 1825hrs.

Had wash and shave and took me evening medications including the 2½ Warfarin.

Updated this diary to here and went down to await the arrival of the Night Nurse.

Still feeling tired with my spirits seeming to be up one minute and down the next?

Hey-ho!

Woke up around 1935hrs and titivated missen and got ready for the District Nurse took.

Made an impromptu rhyme while I was waiting for the nurse to arrive. I’ll post it later – about when I stopped drinking.

IMG_0244The nurse arrived and injected me flobadob tummy.

I’d been feeling a bit shivery and cold, but it was actually warm tonight?

Glad I managed a bit of a kip now, but guilty that I have again got no sorting out done. Tsk!

Finished this diary off and got me Rhyme post done and posted too.

Nodded off and woke with such gusto within about five minutes – panic and confusion fer a few seconds – I must have had an instant dream perhaps? Real weird feeling – and I could not get back to kip for yonks. Tsk!

Mon 4.5.15 Inchcock Today

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Monday 4th April 2015

What a good sleep – got up when I sprang awake at… 1010hrs!

0101

Early Morning Sky (Well late morning really – Tsk!)

I reckon I got six hours in. Vague memories of me dreams but nowt in detail. Tsk!

WC’d – then went to make a flask of tea – but found the flask leaking – oh dear!

Made a mug and a pot of porridge.

Did me BP: Sys 157 Dia 95 Pulse 100 – but couldn’t IMG_0058find me thermometer to take me temperature?

Laptop on and set about doing me LOMM entries for last week like.

I’ll have to get out and buy another flask – and call at the shop in Victoria Centre to get a prod-pen thingy to use with me new phone soon.

Feeling nervous again for some reason today.

Washed, titivated, medicated missen and set off to the bus-stop with me free-pensioners bus-pass. Being Bank Holiday there were few people about and the buses were running less often.

0103As I walked to Mansfield Road (with no pigeons coming down – probably because I was later than I usual?), down Church Drive, the beauty of the scenery caught me eye, and I put down me bag to take as best a shot of it as I could.

On to the end of the road and then went back to collect me bag what I’d left on the pavement. Tsk!

0102At the bus-stop I was about to take a photo of the beautiful skyline and realised here I was on a main arterial Mansfield Road and there was no traffic to be seen – not even a pavement cyclist! I turned the camera onto the road to catch this phenomenon in the warm sunshine. 

Moments later I took another photo as the obviously held up traffic came over the hill.

There was quite a wait for the bus – not that it mattered to me – I got up so late today – and with finding so many things I’d lost or misplaced I knew things were not 0104boding well and resigned myself to waiting while whistling away to myself.

A lady came to the bus-stop and I greeted her with “Good morning, nice weather for the Bank Holiday” – She gave me a look that made me wither, tuned up her nose and tutted?

I thought “Oh dear”.

It was fun cramming together on the over-full bus, but at least the driver left no-one behind.

0114As I was spewed out of the bus by the overzealous passengers in a hurry I caught my composure, avoided being hit by a burk of a Pavement Cyclist and went into Victoria Centre to go to the MansWorld shop to see if they had one of those pen-swipe multitool gizmos in stock.

I got one and a USB Charge & Sync cable – why I got the USB Charge & Sync Cable I have yet to find out – it seemed a good idea at the time. But why?

0105I took a photograph of the Boost stall as I was passing above it.

Not only was I amazed to see so many customers fraternising the stall, but the fact that they had 5… yes 5 members of staff on duty surprised me muchly?

I really must try one of their fruit drinks one day.

0106As I walked on I noticed a group of youngsters on the ground floor.

They looked well ensconced of the floor with their i-pods?, food and drinks.

Well laid back they reminded me of the Hippies of old, bless em.

0113 I plodded along the top floor of the mall, taking a photo of some ‘Bling’ fer the TFZ gals en-route to Boots.

Down through the store to the bottom level of the store and started searching for the thermometers.

Perhaps a good 15 minutes later I found a member of staff to ask the locations of them and she kindly led me to where they were situated.

0108As I departed from Boots (£10 lighter) it dawned on me how busy it was everywhere today.

In the old days Bank Holidays were for relaxing and recuperating.

Nowadays it’s the shoppers delight – me included.

Mind you, if I hadn’t lost me thermometer and storage drive and broke me flask I wouldn’t be here.

0115I hobbled into Jessops store and had a look at the drink flasks they had to offer.

The second cheapest (the one I bought) was Thermos brand made in China – but then they were all made in China.

I’m hoping this £20 one will last longer than the £8.99 one made in Italy did – which was about 3 months before it broke inside – I can’t remember dropping it?

0107As I went to leave the mall – I took a photo of the newly refurbished area.

I thought how clinical and characterless they had made it look.

Drab, lifeless despite the many Nottingham shoplifters… I mean

Nottingham Shoppers there were about.

0110I walked over the road to the Trinity Square and found the citizenry in a more relaxed mood as they actually used the new food court.

The skateboarder were out in number here.

Then I plodded down Trinity Walk and took another ‘Bling’ photo for the gals 0109on the TFZ site.

These are actually mobile phones in a store window.

Loved the owl one with the buttons on the outside they were second hand but I could not see any prices on them?

Down to the bus-stop and joined the marathon queue and waited patiently for the bus to arrive, while listening to  he others in the queue gossip away.

I hope the girl in the leather jeans who was speaking to a lanky youth with acne and a girl with her ear rings in her lips managed to persuade her parent to get her the ISO 8 she desired. Whatever ISO 8 is like?

0112While waiting for the bus to arrive I took a photo of some wonderful office buildings on Queen Street.

These have real character and great design features – I wondered when the council would be getting around to pulling them down too?

The bus came and somehow we all crammed into it and I was soon back in Carrington – and the yobs were lurking and drinking on the seats in the twitchell again.

So I walked the long way around back to the flea-pit.

0116WC’s – a bit of blood but nowt to worry about from the rear end exhaust.

Set about preparing me nosh fer the night.

A Beef pastie slice, tomatoes, garden peas, cooked beetroots and the best of the lot – seasoned herb small potatoes in olive oil. Followed with a vanilla mousse, Strawberry & vanilla ice-cream pot, a blackcurrant ice-cream lolly and a Cox’s apple!

By gum, I enjoyed this.

Fell into ‘A grumpy old man’ sleep afterwards for a couple of hours.

Tried the new thermometer – 34.2c

Laptop on, and took me medications later than planned – the new flask seemed to keep me tea warm enough.

Finished this Diary off – despite of me shaking then cramp ridden hands.

At 2230hrs I was determined to get some sleep in.

0215hrs, still determined to get some sleep in…

0255hrs, still determined to get some sleep in…

Ode to the UKs Political Leaders

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aa03Gc

Who should you really want to vote for?

Who will make you more frustrated and poor?

Can any of them be trusted any more?

Will they all send our soldiers to war?

–

Will they copy Maggie and the nihilist Blair?

They’ll all make your blood boil and want to swear,

Fiddle their expenses, unhindered without a care,

Honest politicians? You haven’t a prayer!

–

Their chrematistic nature we’ll have to endure,

Their ego, lying, cheating and cunning for sure,

They lie cheat but never get shown the door,

Should we shoot one now and then to level the score?

–

They seek wealth, adulation and utter power,

A set of dishonest, distrustful folk this shower,

Getting more greedy by the day… the hour!

Free from prosecution in the their Ivory tower.

–

We’d be better off trusting a herd of Gnu,

Their greed you just cannot subdue,

Their growing wealth needs a judicial revue,

It’d probably be done by Osborne’s Uncle too,

As Con-men go, UK MP’s are the best, it’s true!

Inchcocks Memories Invoked by One old Photograph

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Baroness-Ruth-Henig-CBE

Down the alleyway between the cafe and the Naval Club was where my doctors was situated: Dr Foley. An elderly woman with a no fuss attitude, I liked her – I can picture her now – with her fussing and stern assistant/pharmacist/nurse who would light the gas-fire in the waiting room with a loud bang and flash of flame. I was on her books from 1949 to 1969.

The cafe (Can’t remember the name, something Latin I think? No doubt someone will be able to inform me I hope) The owner hired young near-do-wells like myself to sell hot dogs at the weekends in the city centre. I think they sold for 9p beefburgers 1/-. They were stored in hot water in compartments in the heavy and hard to push trolley base. The onions were horrible. Keeping folk from nicking the watered down ketchup and Daddies sauce was a problem.

To the right was the Hong Kong Restaurant. On more than one occasion they were prosecuted for some hygiene irregularity but there were so many brothers and sisters in the family, that when they were barred from running food premises, they just sold it to another family member. Mother worked there for a while – and often she was given tins with no labels on them to open and mix ready for the cook to prepare in dishes. One day she told Dad that one of these tins had a bit of label left on it – it was Top Cat cat food! Later they were done yet again, but I never heard any of the locals complain and it was always busy?

The Italian restaurant I cannot remember ever seeing anyone ever eat there. We used to joke that it must be a cover-base for the Mafia.

In later year I’d frequent the Naval Club, where the beer was only so-so but the  company was great – I loved listening to the members stories of their war exploits.

In one of the  flats above the Hong Kong restaurant lived a lass by the name of Maureen Hutterswaithe – a bonny lass generous with her foibles as I remember… but that might not be a suitable story for  here. But it were grand!

Austin A40Arkwright Street, my stomping ground as an underfed impecunious little ragamuffin.

Not all good memories but much missed nowadays in this greedy uncaring atmosphere I laughingly call life.

Hey-ho – so now I’m feeling a bit low…

Political Graphics (Silly) to aid your choice of who to Vote for in May 2015

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Where should they be?

Ode3

What have they done?

Osb05

Osborne parked in a disabled bay

The real Osborne?

Osb09

Still, I reckon

M-Theresa May

MPs known not to have fiddled their expenses are marked with a cross.

M-Theresa May

Lib-Dem’s Manifesto

M-Theresa May

The Rt Hon Jeremy Hunt finds a cheaper version of Warfarin for the NHS patients

M-Theresa May

Inchcock refused entry to Parliament, just because he was carrying a home-made stink bomb and had not paid his Poll Tax – Tsk!

M-Theresa May

Ed Miliband fights the removal of page 3 nudes

M-Theresa May

The finest liar since Tony Blair!

M-Theresa May

Quote from The Guardian: David Cameron warned on Sunday that Britain needs to be on alert for “roving firearms terrorist attacks” in Britain!

M-Theresa May

Islington Labour controlled County Council to introduce £60 fines for diesel found leaving their motors running – 2nd offence could mean imprisonment!

Lib-Dems say ban all petrol and Diesel cars by 2040!

M-Theresa May

UKIP – and when you wake up…

M-Theresa May

Would you buy  car from this nepotist?

Inchcock Party: May 2015 Election – Shadow Minister’s Portfolios

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As part of the Inchcock Parties ‘No Secrets Ruling’, as discussed and passed in the Leg of Mutton Arms snug last Wednesday night – we hereby present the portfolios, views and complete range of investments held by each of the Parties Top Shadow Ministers.

We approached each prospective member and asked them to supply details of their investments and holdings openly – so that voters in the 2015 May elections can understand the worthiness and honesty of each of our prospective MPs.

Shadow Prime Minister: Clivey-boy Danton

avote01Apart from being a part shareholder in a casino or two, West Ham bookies, owning a few second hand car showrooms, Watchit Solicitors, an interest in Gregowskis & Farage Romanian Wine and Tobacco Importers, Documentational Reproductions Inc, an investment in me brothers Walthamstow Dog Track, West Ham Sports Supplies, Lighter Watches and Mobile phone supplies and shares in various breweries I have little in the way of financial investments. I lead a quiet life and attend the Chapel when I am not doing charity work for the Kray brothers inspired Danny Soz Young Ladies Appreciation Society yer know.  The wife Jilly supports me on most of my political activities. Convincing her that a few jars down the Abbey Arms to encourage the locals to vote for me is part of those duties is hard – but she does welcome me back home after a hard nights campaigning and helps clear me head stomach and mind in readiness for the next days challenges. There’s no doubt about it, I am a Red Tory with affiliations to the I Hate Blair movement and National Socialism in it’s milder form. So there you have it in a nutshell – that reminds me I’ll have get me creams rubbed in – see you later… “Jill…. Jill…”

Shadow Minster of Transport: Mike Steedenski

avote02Before I became a complete and utter alcoholic and had to turn to politics as a career, I used to be a Police Officer. Fair enough, some of the jobs I had to do didn’t turn out right I admit this – especially me traffic controlling skills. So I moved on to become a part-time PA and Brewery Bottled Ales tester. I lost that Ale Testers job when they found me sober twice in six months. So when I was blackmailing Inchcock threatening to reveal all about his unnatural desires for Shemales and his drinking addiction to Dandylion & Burdock in an effort to get some cash together, we came up with the idea of starting a new political party see? So here we are like. As for investments, back-handers and profit from hustling… I’ll ask the missus Shirl (Councillor Shirley Blamey, Shadow Minister of Education) to type out a list fer you later when she gets back from her sponsored fact finding trip to the Bahamas to compare their figures with those of the UK on the European Spadefoot Toad mating habits within the confines of urban areas between 0500hr and 1000hrs on weekdays when it isn’t raining. She should be back in six months or so. Mind you I’d hate anyone to think that the donation I received to my campaign funds from Inchcock himself was in any way bribery or backhanding – and I’d like to thank him now for the 25p.

Shadow HM Treasurer: Marissa Bergen

avote05I think I could be of benefit to the UK as Treasury minister – and at the same time give the Europe lot a poke in the eye by having an American minister in the Government? Being a Politician, Banker, Rock-n-Roll Supermom, Musician and very good with numbers as well, I believe an Inchcock Government would be good for the country. My investments are mostly in the banking world – I moved out of the oil share thing when I learnt of all the fracking going on – there might be a song in there somewhere… “Whole lot of Frackin’ goin’ on!”? No? Ah well. My total investments are probably less than $18m.  The return of the Punk era music would help the economy no end.

Shadow Minster of Justice: Big Gaz

avote02aThe police force will be reduced to tackling traffic, junior school riots, dangerous mobility scooter drivers and pavement cyclists member. My own squad would take over the rest of their duties. Sentences would be given that mean what the say. VAT on knuckle dusters, Lugers and Champagne Perry will be removed. The death penalty will be returned and anyone being nasty to dogs will get it! My investments? Well antique stuff will also get the VAT removed and my Government department will check every item to see if it genuine – this may cause a bit of a backlog in trading, but we are prepared to purchase any viable company who are struggling. I have no investment personally youth… believe me mush!

Home Office Shadow Minster: Churchy

avote03All suspicious moneys, diamonds, jewellery, bank drafts, drugs, investments, films and books of a sexual nature etc will be examined by my department before being allowed into or out of the country.  member. Any female immigrants aged 18 to 24 will also be given a medical and permission for them to remain in the country will be decided on the outcome of their medical at my office in Whitehall. As for my investments, I’m broke, flat broke, gone into financial liquidation, not a penny to spare, had to take a job on as part-time postman… Hehehe!

Culture Media & Sports shadow Minister: Shirley Blamey

avote04Interviewed in the Bahamas by Big Gaz

I intend to get hands on when I get this positions. It is essential that all male athletes competing in sports have a thorough working over… well check that their various bodily parts are in full working order before being allowed to compete – and shall be out in the field to ensure this is so. The older male competitors will be allowed to compete without checks being carried out. There will be random checks by myself six days a week, of selected personages such as those in this photograph as an example. Once I’m satisfied of there capabilities and the fitness of their foibles they can play away. Now then, my investments you ask about my financial investments? Huh!

Mental Health Minister: Inchcock (interviewed via email)

avote06The fisicul and metal elth of our citisens is paramount to me. An I noe abart these fings mate.

Cause the drugs like make yer lose it like dont they.

Investmunts? Me?

No… I dont fink so like…

Inchcock Today Fri 27 Mar 15: A Day of Failed Witticisms!

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DSCF0001A Day of failed Witticisms

Friday 27th March 2015

 

Couldn’t get to sleep last night, tried everything – reading me D-Day book, looking at me Trolleybus book, Facebook, radio etc… Not much luck.

Seemed like I got ten minutes akip and anther ten wide awake all night until about 0445hrs when I nodded off for four hours solid.

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Dreams I remembered:-

Working for someone in a sprawling factory with a tiny porta-cabin office where I was called to regularly and given jobs that took me off-site. I think I was being nice to the boss for some reason, although I sensed I didn’t like him. I can recall two of the jobs given me… well bits of them.

Job 1: I was a court judge – I handed out some pretty horrible punishments – A Pavement cyclist got life, A mobility scooterer got twenty years hard labour (I can’t recall what for), Tony Blair was sentenced to having his tongue removed then to be executed by being stoned to death by the relatives of dead soldiers and a footballer I sentenced to having his testicles crushed in a vice… there were many others I’m sure but can’t recall them or why now.

Job 2: I had to fetch something from a place I didn’t know and take it back to the boss -I went on a motorbike, got lost in a giant office complex and started panicking – a beautiful plump round-faced pretty posh lady helped me find the office I wanted – As I left with the parcel under my arm I looked back up at the building and saw her smiling and waving to me… I got knocked over and woke up in the Queen Elizabeth Military Hospital in Woolwich without any legs… first thing I noticed was the well crushed parcel in a shopping basket with my bloodied clothes on the floor by the bed – two men with broken noses, scars, knuckle-dusters on and an intimidating appearance came to me and demanded money for the doctors taking my legs off? I told them I had no money, Why they asked, “Cause I’ve spent it all on a new camera I replied”. “Oh #’\% me” said the taller one of the ruffians “You have to have em sewn back on again now then!” The shorter one asked me to take his photo? Next thing I was trying to gain access to the bosses office with the smashed up parcel and the boss opened the door and told me I was sacked and shot me with Luger…

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WC’d, haemorrhoids bad again, must give them a good soak in the bath and tend to them later. Tut!

Made a cuppa and took me medications before I actually nodded of.

Had a good scrub up and bath – tended to me tender areas.

Did a bit of Facebooking and this diary up to here.

I’ll take me new Fuji camera with me today methinks, see if I can get used to it, I should be okay I’m sure… Hopeful 

DSCF0002I got the bits ready to take to the Sherwood branch of the Nottingham Hospice Charity Shop, bus-pass etc. and set off on walk into Sherwood.

The sun kept coming out occasionally through the clouds a few times and the wind was a bit less than it was yesterday like.

Took a photo of the sky at the end of the road – a tad unwelcoming.

Onto Mansfield Road and I made good headway today cause Arthur Itis and Anne Gyna were good to me – only the haemorrhoids DSCF0003being troublesome.

A different lady on duty today at the charity shop thanked me for the donation and nibbles, nice gal.

She asked if I was alright and for some reason I gave an answer that a woman I worked with in 1968 Margaret used to give me verytime I asked her if she was okay: “Not so dusty, well brushed!” The lady frowned looked me up and down and said quietly ‘Oh’ – Failed Witticism number One of the day.

I caught a bus into town, dropping off at Victoria Centre and walking in from the Tesco end I fed some pigeons some seeds.

Took a photoDSCF0005 of some ‘Bling’ with the new camera for the TFZ gals – after downloading it at home, I was very disappointed with the quality.

I cut through the jitty and out through the back of the centre and made my way to the Aldi store in search of some more of the whole potatoes in herb sauce.

Managed to get four packs, I’m rather taken with them, partly because of the wonderful taste and partly because they cook so well in the microwave oven.

DSCF0006I also noticed they had started selling their own brand of bread thins at a good price – I just got one pack to try them out first.

Then I noticed on my way back through Vic centre – that the ‘Boost’ juice stall had two customers- at the same time – I whipped me camera and recorded this rare almost unheard of event!

A chap passing when I took the photo asked me: “Why are taking a photo of that then?”

I replied (Another failed Witticism coming here…) “I thought David Cameron would like to know how well they are doing!”. Another frown from a Nottinghomian followed by a loud Tut, and off he went. Hey-ho!

DSCF0007I proceeded up the escalator and into the walk-over taking a photograph of the traffic from my usual position.

A tad gloomy and the wind seemed to be picking up.

Down to steps to ground level – and three Vic Centre employees were trying to chase out a crippled pigeon – not with a lot of success either. There was only them and me there and I risked another witticism: “Can you manage lads? Do you want some help like? I could gas-it for yer if it’ll help?” and I laughed out load – this wasn’t appreciated in the least – Dirty looks and sneers came from their faces in my direction as I hobbled down the stairs away from them, leaving them swearing at and chasing the crippled pigeon.  Failed Witticism number three of the day.

I went into Wilkinsons store and got some Antiseptic disinfectant and nasal spray.

DSCF0008Out and back towards Trinity Square.

Noticing the Nottinghomians had not lost none of their love of crossing the traffic lights against the red don’t-cross signal.

I wandered up and dropped some bird seed and meal-worms for the pigeons to nibble.

Then down the jitty to the bus stop.

Where my fourth witticism also failed with the bus-driver!

Getting on the bus I tripped due to the weight of me bag I think (The potatoes?) – and exclaimed something like: “Oh boggleskellysworth” at the pain it caused to me rear end. The driver looked at me outraged and offered a scowl of crushing magnitude. I don’t know what he might have thought I’d said but he was not pleased.

I dropped off the bus at Carrington and popped into the Co-op store to see if they had any of me ice-cream centred fruit flavoured lollies in – they had so I got a pack.

As I approached the till area I went to the first one expecting someone to turn up to attend to me – and heard a female voice call out rather sharply from the other end: “This one, I’m here!” she commanded.

I moved down to her and said chirpily with a grin on my face: “Sorry midduck didn’t see yer, me hearing aid batteries are on the wain!” I thought that as me best witticism of the day…

She didn’t – I got an “Eh…?” from her and a look of incredulity followed by one of the greatest Tsks I’ll ever heard.

I thought it best to stop trying my witticisms any more after failing with first five efforts to bring a smile to anyone’s faces?

Limped back to the bomb-site, slipping some seed to Fatima and Fred on the way.

WC’d and treated me soreness, put me bits away, made a flask tea and went up to start this diary.

Had a rinse and changed into me jammas.

Took me medications then went down to make me potatoes, franks and petit pois, followed by an iced lollie.

Drifted off to sleep…