Inchy’s Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: City to the Castle

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From the City Centre – to Nottingham Castle

GCcapback2

Inchy, on one of his better days

Our local historian, guide, agniologist and doddery pensioner Juan Inchcock takes you along the route, describing what we sees now, and what was there in his youth and before. A Nottingham born Lad of a gentle nature, uneducated, insanitary, and in ill health, he’s been reporting on Nottingham for many years. He’s currently the top unpaid journalist for WordPress.com. and a founder member of the ‘Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, and offers half of all the money that he doesn’t earn to support to the ‘Bring Back the Death Penalty for Politician’s – Senile Diplegic Supporters Division, Nottingham Branch’, as Secretary to the branches cleaning operatives third cousin.

The comparisons depict the changing face of life for Nottinghamians’.

Nottingham City Centre

1863:

We stand in the market-place amidst the horse and carts of the traders, opposite the Soup kitchens.

1963:

WalksFriar004

Bill Fury, one of my all time favourites, along with Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, Adam Faith, The Shadows, Acker Bilk… I’d better stop or I’ll not have any room left!

We stand at the taxi rank, opposite the McFisheries supermarket. Billy Fury, Elvis, Adam Faith and the new group theBeatles records on sale at Griffin and Spalding store.

2014:

We stand on the new tram lines on South Parade, opposite the bank raided by armed robbers last July, the Pay-Day loan shop, and the Fountains provided for our children to play and urinate in, and the three Coffee Houses.

 

Friar Lane (bottom)

1863:

On the corner on our left, is the Mikado Cafe, tea or coffee costing 1/8th of a penny. (Farthing) 0.005p)

1963:

On the corner on our left, is The Friary Cafe, tea or coffee 3d (1¼p) Toby’s department store, and Burton’s Tailors next to Wimpey Cafe/Bar.

2014:

On the corner on our left, is Starbucks cafe, (looted in the 2010 Nottingham riots), tea £1.20 coffee up to £3.39. Where a few years ago I was responding to an alarm call, and got booked my a traffic warden.

Friar Lane (Way up on the left)

1863:

No buildings at all by the lane, which was almost a very wide pathway then.

WalksFriar03hague

She earned more in a month as a part-time Barclay’s ‘Advisor’, than I did in a year! Didn’t bother me though… oh no!

1963:

A sweetshop, Hambro’s Bank (went defunct in 1988), no Conservative minister investors to save them then, like William Hague to ensure his wife’s income from her part-time job as a Barclay’s bank advisor remained profitable, like in 2010, an old peoples help centre (conveniently positions at the top of the hill).. oh dear, now closed down, and an Indian restaurant.

2014:

A cobblers, hairdressers, empty Co-op bank building, and a Charity Shop, Chinese Food shop, and Pay-Day Loan crooks shop.

Friar Lane (Way up on the right)

 

WalksFriar02

Many beautiful designs of Fothergill’s in Nottingham have destroyed by our wonderful Nottingham City Council. This one survived, but is unoccupied.

1863:

Some magnificent houses of the rich, designed by William Fothergill, gargoyles included.

1963:

The grand Toby’s Department Store (Vernon House). Went Bankrupt a few years later.

2014:

A Charity shop, the Citi Restaurant (Beer from £2.99 per bottle), and a newsagents.

Friar Lane (Junction of Derby Road) Corner one on the left:

1863:

This area was (apart from a footpath forged through it) all wasteland, with lookout posts from the military based at the Castle.

1963:

A cafe (cannot remember the name, possibly Maid Marion Cafe. Fish & Chips 1/10d (9p)

2014:

Indian Resturant Fish and Chips £7.99.

Corner One on the right:

1863:

Wasteland

1963:

Newspaper shop – Evening Post 1d (¼p)

2014:

Newspaper shop – Evening Post 50p weekdays, 60p Saturdays.

Corner Three on the left:

1863:

Lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.

1963:

Derelict lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.

2014:

Abandoned office block.

Corner four on the right

1863:

Wasteland

1963:

Tesco supermarket (purchased from Elmo supermarkets)

2014:

Abandoned Robin Hood Centre (torched in the Nottingham Riots 2010).

Friar Lane (Top end right)

1863:

Stables for the cavalry based at Nottingham Castle.

1963:

Travel Agents, Wimpey’s snack bar, and ice cream shop.

2014:

Row of abandoned businesses, charity shop, and a night shelter for street dwellers.

Friar Lane (Top end left)

1863:

Residential premises.

1963:

Residential and now offices built.

2014:

Abandoned offices.

Nottingham Castle Entrance

1863:

Near main gates: Horse-guard’s Cavalry Stables and arsenal. No admittance to the citizenry.

1963:

WalksFriar004Near main gates: Ice-cream vendor, flower seller, and Boy Scout hut. Robin Hood statue and car park. Admission free.

2014:

Near main gates: Graffiti ridden Robin Hood statue cleaned up, CCTV cameras, No parking sign, Admission fee £6.50.

More Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham to follow

Inchcock Today: Thurs 7th August

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Inchcock Today: Thursday 7th August

Not much kip again, but at least I got some in last night.

First job my sixth visit of the night to the WC.

Laptop on, had a cuppa and porridge. Had a great time creating commenting on a few and reading blogs. BT internet only went down a few time this morning.

About 1230hrs did me ablutions, WC, got ready to go and pick up my extra prescription from the GP. WC’d before I left.

Got prescription from the surgery, and set off on a walk (limp) into town.

Walked passed the chemists forgetting to get me medications – I blame the fact that I was noshing a banana.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIn town, I caught a bus out to Derby.

I fed the pigeons behind the bus station. Noticed how low the water was, this revealed a new shopping trolley in the Derwent.

Had a hobble around, noticed all the people seemed in a bad mood there.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWalked out and caught bus to Mansfield.

In Mansfield, I realised that the people of Derby, were in fact not in a bad mood. What a depressing place the market there was today. Folk already staggering sloshed out of the pubs, people arguing, oh dearie me.

I bought a crossword book from the arcade, and made my way back to the bus station. I could smell food cooking somewhere, so was forced to investigate in the shop. Boy did I have a job telling her I had bought the crossword book from somewhere else.

Caught the bus back to Carrington, it was busy with passengers by then, and I had the company of a foreign lady on the seat in front speaking non-stop on her mobile, and a deep voiced loud chap on his mobile in the seat behind. Proper headache by the time I got off the bus. Neither stopped talking for over an hour.

I got off the bus as I had cunningly planned, near the chemists. Went in and they dispensed me prescription for me within fifteen minutes as I started me crossword book off.

Good job there was some extra pain-killers, had to take a couple straight away for me headache. Tsk!

Struggled home, knees and feet bad now. Got in, put the kettle on, and then went back out to the chemists to pick up me crossword book.

Back to the hovel again. WC.

Had a Cornish pastie peas and microwave chips – naughty but nice, followed by an orange jelly. I just don’t care yer know!

Took laptop up to do this blog. WC.

Not one of me most exciting days, but at least I got out a bit, must phone Jane again later and try and cheer her up a tad.

TTFN

Inchy’s Letter begging support for David Cameron

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Campoint

The magnanimous, pulchritudinous personage of our beloved David William Donald (The Wonder-man) Cameron

Dear Reader,

I have been perturbed lately about the state of health of our beloved unelected Prime Minister, The Right Honourable David William Donald Cameron. Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Minister for the Civil Service and First Lord of the Treasury, Leader of the Conservative Party, Member of the Cabinet Privy, Council European Council.Salary £148,000 (annual, including £67,060 MP’s salary)

CamOxfordhome

One of his modest homes in Oxford

Mail on Sunday’s disclosure that he paid off the £75,000 mortgage on the £1.5 million home in North Kensington, London that he owns with his wife Samantha, after they took out a £350,000 taxpayer-funded HSBC mortgage on his designated Oxfordshire constituency second home. For his part, Cameron claimed he was able to pay off the mortgage on his London home by selling shares. While within the rules, this is precisely the kind of financial jiggery-pokery for which other MPs have been criticised in recent weeks.

CamMirror

Gossip… just gossip – It’s only been badly mauled that’s all!

But he is still open to the charge that someone who’s clearly worth a few bob was ‘playing’ the system by claiming more than £21,200 from taxpayers in 2005-6, for the mortgage interest paid on his constituency home.

It has been suggested that he could have saved the taxpayer thousands of pounds if he had put the money from the sale of his shares towards his constituency property – a large and comfortable country house – which he bought eight years ago for £650,000. Especially as it is now worth in the region of £1.8million, giving him a substantial paper profit.

Imagine his delight when his eldest son, Arthur, a stockbroker, married Steffie Cooper, a cousin of the Royal Family. This union provides Cameron’s link to the ‘Mad’ King George III, an ancestor he shares with the Queen (his fifth cousin once removed).

The line of ancestors down from these wealthy figures continues through the City. Both Cameron’s grandfather, also called Ewen, who died in 1958 leaving £57,000 (around £1.6million in today’s money), and his father Ian, a former High Sheriff of Berkshire, were stockbrokers.

CamC4

Odd how some of the troops are given him odd looks innit?

Now he has the added problem of who to send our troops to attack next.

All this must be causing him concern.

Therefore, I think the nice gentleman would appreciate a little support from the electorate who didn’t vote him into office.

So last month, I started an appeal for gifts and support for him.

I’ve had to cancel the appeal due to ill health.

Camcyanide

Cyanide capsules – are you the donor?

I’ve managed to send back to the donors, the gas canisters, crossbow, letter-bombs, pipe-bombs, the poisonous ball point hypodermic pen, the exploding cigar, the handkerchief gift box teeming with deadly bacteria, and the poisoned bottle of Cameron’s Whisky.

Unfortunately, the trained assassination budgerigar escaped.

CamC4

Address of donor required please

If the people/person who sent in the C4 could kindly contact me with his/her/their address, I can return it along with the Cyanide capsules sent in.

Nottingham’s next ‘Support for David Cameron is Essential’ association meeting, will take place at in the old BT Telephone box outside the Savoy Hotel, next Wednesday at 1755 hrs.

Thank you.

Bunter Forsythe-Weatheringstone OBE,

Nottingham Castle.

Inchcock Today: Wed 6th Aug 2014

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04 01

Good job he didn’t have his glasses on… poor sod!

Inchcock Today: Wednesday 6th August

No sleep through the night as such, feeling tired and weak.

0500hrs: WC, started laptop, WC, made a cuppa and pot of porridge (added a spot of honey, ah the good life), WC.

Did graphics for this blog, WC, Made another cuppa, Asda delivery arrived 0630 hrs. WC.

Now I can’t get into me Emails? What next… oh, it’s come up now.

I posted blog posts and started writing and graphics for me next one.

Several visits to the WC.

Got meself sorted a bit, still not feeling very great, but managed to get meself around to the doctors to pick up me extra prescriptions. Didn’t actually get there though… I remembered it was Wednesday and not Thursday, the day I was to pick up the prescription.

Wearily back to the hovel.

Visit to the WC.

Saw a policeman on foot on the street when I got back – yes an actual policeman (Well, a CPO) on our street, never been known for ages.

Couldn’t muster up any energy today. Angina playing up too, I feel so tired.

04 Header

No foodstuff were purchased from Lidl

But I’m eating, boy am I eating. Made some instant mash with onions, added cheese granules, some cooked ham, seaweed, peas, and bread. Followed by two suckers and an ice-cream.

Followed later as I lay there praying for sleep – by bags of Marmite crisps and walnuts.

Visit to the WC.

Drained, I lay there still waiting for sleep, as I listened to the radio, read me book, watched  a DVD… oh oh and several visits to the porcelain.

TTFN all…

Part 21: Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe – Tesco and the Shoplifting Incidents

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W21 top

Tesco and the Shoplifting Incidents

The Shoplifting Bloke with big nose

W21 nose

Late December 1963: This incident took place while I as working at Tesco on Goosegate, Hockley in Nottingham. (The only Tesco in Nottingham at the time).

I was manager of the Greengrocery Section at the time. It was 0800hrs and I was setting out the display, as I noticed this tramp-like chap with a heavy sack under his arm, and the biggest blotchy nose I’ve ever seen walk into the store and he said to me, in a refined sort of voice “Good Morning young man” and proceeded down the aisle to the tinned meats sections shelves.

As I was looking at him, a mate (Butchers cutter Ray Miles and old school chum) was filling the meat fridge opposite where the chap was, and we acknowledged each other. At that moment the big-nosed chappy opened the heavy sack, and scooped all the Fray Bentos corned beef tins into it – slung it over his shoulder, and proceeded to walk out of the store.

I jumped down from the trolley of potato sacks I was putting on the display as he passed me, and said; “Excuse me Sir…”

“Fair enough governor, you’ve got me!” Then handed me the sack, and he actually led me into the back and upstairs.

The manager joined us, and the police were called.

They arrived through the back loading door within 10 minutes, and you should have seen the beaming smiles on their faces when they saw the chap and greeted him with; “Hallo Arthur, how the devil have you been keeping son?”

One of the policemen handed out his fags to the other officer and ‘Arthur’, and they chatted merrily away for an hour or so. Eventually they arrested him, and he was collected by another officer who came to fetch him, and another old-time gossip session took place between they all, with laughter, back slapping etc.

After he’s been taken away, the remaining plain clothes officer told us that it was near Christmas, so Arthur always got himself arrested so he could be fed and looked after over the holidays.

The Shoplifting Lemon Jacketed Vixen

1964: I had been promoted to the grand title of ‘Trainee Assistant Manager’. The store manager’s name was Mr Wynn, and we had a new Assistant Manager, Mr Goodhead.

I was helping out on the tills, and unbeknown to me, Mr Goodhead and a store detective had been following this giant of a woman, wearing a bright ‘lemon’ jacket and had been seen hiding tinned products in her own shopping bag.

The first I knew of this was when Mr Goodhead, tried to stop the woman as she exited the doors, and she swung her bag of canned food around and into the face of Mr Goodhead, knocking him out for the count.

For some reason, she ran not out of the shop, but into it, and a chase ensued with me, Mr Wyn, a woman supervisor (Can’t  remember her name) the store detective woman, Ray Miles and several other brave staff chasing her around the gondolas and shelves for a few minutes (Even at the time I thought this is a bit like a Keystone Cops film).

Then she ‘Lemon’ woman ran into the back of the store, up the stairs and into the warehouse, where she was eventually wrestled to the floor. Several cuts and bruises were suffered by the staff in this scrap, ‘Lemon was strong woman.

As we waited for the police to arrive in the warehouse, a rather weather-beaten Mr Goodhead appeared, with a hell of a lump of his forehead, along with a trickle of blood from his ear-hole.

Two women PCs arrived, and that set of the ‘Lemon’ again. It took the PCs and three of us to calm her down again.

Another police car arrived, and we managed to get her into the back of the Panda, not easy trying to carry 16 stone of unwilling ‘Lemon’ to a car, I can tell you.

W21 pandaAs the car drew off up the back road with ‘Lemon’ ensconced in it, it was amusing to see the car swerve and shake about with the springs being tested to their limit.

We counted our injured. Mr Goodhead head injuries, sent to hospital three days off work – Our female supervisor broken nail, bloody lip and pulled hamstring, eight days off work – The Store Detective woman, bloody nose and scratched face – Ray Miles bruised testicles, Inchcock bit fingers and broken glasses.

Eventually we found out that the woman (Lemon) had received 3 months probation and a £20 fine.

Was it worth it I asked?

The Lincolnshire Chase

W21 noseSo there I was, sent to the Lincoln Tesco, as additional help in getting the store sorted in time for reopening after a fire.

Tesco had got Bruce Forsyth and then David Nixon to do a visit to encourage shoppers to attend the reopening.

We only just managed to get everything ready on time, and I worked throughout the night, along with many others.

The opening ceremony went well, Mr Forsyth and Mr Nixon, especially Mr Nixon, ere true gentlemen and remained unflustered as their fans approached them.

After they had both gone, I had hoped to get some sleep in – but the codeword for a shoplifter came over the tannoy, so it was all male staff to the shop floor.

The distinctively dresses Teddyboy doing the shoplifting, skipped past the manager, and had it away on his toes, with me in pursuit.

Eventually I had to give up the chase, I bet he’s not been working all night.

Then it dawned on me… I was lost.

Eventually, after asking for directions repeatedly, I got back to the store, just in time to start my next shift.

Inchcock’s Letter of to anyone who will listen

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L9 01

Dear Anyone who will listen,

It has come to me attention, and that of the NHS Casualty Department staff, that I have been clobbered four times now, by folk driving disabled and Motorbility scooters in the Nottingham area.

The First Attack

The first was on Mansfield Road near the cemetery as I was walking up the hill on my way to town.

He came from behind, knocking me over and spilling my bag of goodies on the floor as he drove over me right leg. It were a decent clout wot I received.

The disabled driver then continued to rant at me, despite my pointing to me hearing aids, and then shot off up the hill. I asked the woman who came over to me, what he was saying. It seemed he was asking if I was alright, but got angry when I couldn’t hear what he was saying?

Anyway, I gorrup with the lady’s assistance, dusted missen down,  thanked the lady, and carried on me walk into town. Unfortunately I took a turn for the worse, and felt very dizzy, so called into the NHS Drop-in centre in town, who checked me over and called for an ambulance. At the hospital, the grim faced doctor said he could find nothing wrong with me, and churlishly sent me on me way.

The Second Attack

Shopping in Victoria centre, I as hobbling along nicely and received a blow from behind as the mobility scooter knocked into me.

I called out immediately to the driver, and heard his description of certain male bodily parts in answer.

The Third Attack

In Derby’s Eagle Centre. I was stood still, bent down sorting out the things in me shopping bag, walking stick on me arm.

Next thing me nose is touching the floor, as the gentleman in a Motorbility scooter knocked me over from behind, breaking me walking stick as he just carried on over it,  and disappeared!

The Fourth Attack

This took place in the Queens Medical hospital a few weeks ago.

I’d just arrived at the haematology dept for me weekly INR Warfarin level tests, and was near the ticket issue machine. A lady on a Motorbility scooter pulled up beside me. I asked her if she needed a ticket. She just replied “No I don’t”.

So I took one for myself, and moved over to the second row of seats, and was stood by the end of them, getting my paperwork out ready, and as propelled across the seats as she drove into them, and she carried on trying to accelerate for a while, I could feel the shuddering.

The staff in treatment room heard the commotion and came out as she had finally managed to free her scooter from me and the chairs, and drove off! The staff did an accident report for me. I went in for me tests, and they all had a good laugh about it.

L9 02I’d like to request you send me some limpet mines at a good price, so that next time I can try to disable the offending scooter long enough for me to… well..

I’ve just watched a DVD that me brother-in-law copied off the telly for me. About disability scooters, and the drivers not having to take a test or practise on them before going out on the roads to mangle Inchcock.

And it said the dangerous drivers of these mechanic accidents waiting to happen, do not have to have insurance either?

Tut!…

Grrr….

They’re not safe yer know!

Yours;

Juan Inchcock

Nervous Lane

Gottanewticknow

Ward 19

Nottingham’s Queens Medical Centre

Inchcock Today: 5th Aug 2014

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Continuing from 1830hrs Monday 4th August 2014:

IT 01

I was just about to ring Brother in law Pete, and he rang me. Hope to meet him tomorrow after the medical treatment. Must ask him to take some photo’s.

Had a nosh of microwave chips, Krakowski and seaweed, and a bag of Quavers, followed by two orange lollies. (How’s that for two fingers to the ‘Eat Properly brigade?)

IT 01I watched the DVD of Dick Emery’s film; “Oh you are awful!” So politically incorrect, but hilarious!

The nights limited amount of sleep was again nightmare ridden, but again, I can remember nothing of them, other than they were scary and worrying. Each time I got up to relief myself (At least ten times!) I’d remember a bit of them and tell myself to remember so as to report here on me blog… but no.

I’m hoping I’ll be able to get to the hospital tomorrow, without my minimal bladder being tested, crossed fingers.

Tuesday 5th August:

Up at 0500 hrs, laptop on to start this tosh, cuppa and took medications.

0600 hrs, failed to get on wordpress.com, getting a part view of the screen that’s all. Tried email and other sites, they seem okay. Seems they are having technical troubles of some sort? Hope it gets sorted for when I get back from the hospital, otherwise I might crack-up altogether if I can’t blog… oh dear!

Oh, it’s alright now? Good!

Hello, I’ve lost me top options now… might be my old laptop? Still I managed to post me latest sad effort. Must get on with creating graphics for me next one (Head down, concentration mode engages, passes wind, visits the WC…)

BT internet returned as I was giving up, to get things ready for QMC.

Set off, called at doctors to request an extra prescription for painkillers and emolument cream, then caught bus to town, then bus to hospital.

Warfarin tests first, then on to Renal for results. Seems pyelonephritis infection, they said normally they would prescribe antibiotics, but due to the amount of medications I’m on, they made appointment for me to see my GP to talk things through first. Thursday at 0915hrs.

Feeling tired and drained for some reason.

I Caught bus to Bulwell to look in the cheapo shop, nowt in worth while though.

Rang brother in law Pete, and he’s had his lamp delivered, so would meet me at the hovel to collect the black bags for me.

IT 03Got home at 1346 hrs, internet connection not to bad. So I again tried to register to vote on the gov.com site. It’s still not letting me.

Pete arrived about 1420hrs. Good chinwag and he collected the bags.

When Pete went, I thought it best if I tried to get my head down, as I was still feeling drained. No such luck. Tried reading me book without success, then I watched three DVD’s. Eventually drifting off late on,  while I was in the middle of watching a Steven Seagal film.

Quotes and Predictions from the 1950/60’s – They should make you think…

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Predic 11

How things change eh?

This list was compiled by Juan Inchcock Chambers, Britain’s answer to Diphtheria and decrepit unpaid, overweight chronically sick and ancient reporter for this Blog, for your perusal and enjoyment. Should you find this article enjoyable, readable, interesting or entertaining and thought provoking; Please contact Juan at The Nottingham Savoy Hotel, the Basement, between the fifth and sixth Refuse Collection Bin on the right, next to the Big Issue satchels. You can contact him during the hours of darkness nesting in the Kellogg’s Corn Flake box there.

Here are some quotes from people made during the 1950/60’s 

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going this way, its’ going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for less than £10 I can tell yer”

(2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before they start charging over £100 for em.”

(3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. 2/- (10p) a pack, this is ridiculous.”

(4) “Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a 6d (2 .5p) just to mail a letter?”

(5) “The Government wants to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it’s going to be impossible to run a family business or farm.”

Preedic 06(6) “When I first started driving, who would have thought petrol would someday cost 2/- (10p) a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.”

(7)  “I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters nowadays.”

(8) “Also, their music drives me wild. This ‘Rock Around The Clock’ thing is nothing but racket.”

(9) “I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every movie has a ‘hell’ or damn’ in it nowadays.”

(10) “Also, it won’t be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?”

Predic 11(11) “Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards left any more.”

(12) “Soon you won’t be able to buy a decent 6p (2.5p) cigar.”

(13) “I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas yer know… really I’m not joking”

(14) “Did you see where that Chelsea football player just signed a contract for £56 a week, just to play football? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the Prime Minister.”

(15) “Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.”

Predic 13(16) “1/- (5d) for a loaf of bread? Christ, where will it end?”

(17) “It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where some married women might have to work to make ends meet.”

(18) “It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.”

(19) “Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.”

(20) ” I’ll tell you one thing. If my son ever talks back to me, he won’t be able to sit down for a week.”

(21) “Did you know the new Vicar is allowing women to wear slacks to their services?”

(22) “Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops.”

Predic 23(23) “I’m just afraid that new Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.”

(24) “The picture houses are now charging 1/- (5p) entry fee, this will mean the end of the industry I can tell you.”

(25) “Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn’t she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer.”

Predic 26(26) “I advised my children to smoke Craven ‘A’ cigarettes, they are better for the throat you know.”

(27) “There is no fun in going to Skegness or Mablethorpe any more for a weekend. It costs nearly £2 a night to stay in some of the Nottingham Hotels now. And even the lodging houses are charging well over 3/6 (17.5p) a night!”

Predic 28(28) “Now they are changing the meters (Gas/Electricity) to take shillings now (5p) instead of one penny!”

(29) “AA and RAC patrols on the ‘A’ roads will always be there for you”

(30) “If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that’s fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.”

(31) “I don’t know about you but if Wimpy’s raise the price of coffee to 3p (1.4p), I’ll just have to drink mine at home.”

Predic 32(32) “If they think I’ll pay 1/6d (7.5p) for a haircut, forget it. I’ll have the wife learn to cut hair.”

(33) “We won’t be going out much any more. Our baby sitter informed us she wants 6p (2.5p) an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.”

(34) “Cars which dim their lights by sensors, automatic transmissions, and who knows what else? Pretty soon they will drive themselves.”

Predic 3535) “After this Profumo affair, our Members of Parliament will become more reliable I’m sure!”

36) ” When you grow up lad, all of the wars will have finished, folks have got to learn from history you see, it’s inevitable son.”

Inchy Today: Monday 4th Aug 2014

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Up after another nasty nightmare filled night at about 0430hrs.

Morrison’s delivery expT Dvdected this morning twixt 0700 and 0800hrs.

BT internet playing up again.

Made cuppa, took medications.

Searched for the DVD I ordered three weeks ago from HMV, and collected last Friday. ‘The Big Job’. Sid James, Dick Emery, Jim Dale, a good old comedy. Tried to watch it last night, but HMV had left the security thingy on it, so I wanted to put in bag now, so I could return it and get em to remove it. But couldn’t find it – Tsk!

BT internet connection crap, now gone all together (0525hrs)

Got laundry things ready for after delivery of nosh.

BT back on-line 0550 hrs. Nice of em innit?

BT back OFF-LINE 0556 hrs. Reset box again… Gits!

BT back on-line 0600 hrs.

BT back OFF-LINE 0601 hrs.

BT back on-line 0604 hrs.

I lost connection between 0550hrs and 0620 hrs about eight/nine times! Grrrr, had to keep resetting or rebooting. Gave up.

Anyone else on BT, How’s your connection today?

Morrison’s delivered at 0734 hrs. Put the stuff away. (Well, some of it).

0800 hrs, ablutions and got launderette togs ready, so much to take I could hardly carry em.

On the way to the launderette, an amoeba belted passed me on a pushbike un frit me half to death, almost hit me. I called out, and soon learnt he was an experienced driver by the finger sign he gave me as he disappeared into the distance, bless him!

 At the launderette, I had a good laugh with the gal there, and we tried to do a crossword. Cheered me up that did.

Back to the hovel, put togs away (Well, dropped the bags upstairs), and did another search for the DVD – and wallah; I found it. Where you might ask… er… in the bath actually, don’t ask why it was there, I don’t know.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATook an apple and pack of seaweed and other healthy food to eat on me walk into town. Must remember to take the DVD back to be opened.

Called on me way, to tell… oh I forget her name now, the laundry gal that I’d found the DVD. She did laugh… bless her.

Hobbling into town, halfway up the hill on Mansfield Road near the cemetery, blow me if someone else didn’t belt passed me on a bike on the pavement, nearly knocking me over. I’m getting fed up with these near misses from bikers.

Went into Tesco and got me Krakowska meat. Then limped into the slab square, took a photo of the disgusting children’s fountain and paddling pool. Dumped at the end of it, were beer cans and bottles, cigarette ends, sweet wrappers, crisp packets etc.

Proceeded, (I could have written carried on to, or Then, but I like typing Proceeded) along to the bank to extract some money and get me balance (Oh dear me).

Then took a walk to Aldi, and got some of their excellent Lemon cheesecakes and Porridge pots (what Lidl have stopped selling).

T bikeFeet and knees on bad shape now, so wandered to the bus stop, and caught one back to Beirut… I mean Carrington. As I got off the bus, a bloody motorcyclist this time, nearly hit me, as he drove on the pavement to the chip shop! I bravely took his photo from behind him.

I tottered back to the dump, and made a nice cup of Punjana tea bags. They are very good and strong, and they’re on offer at the moment at Morrison’s too, 49p off.

Started the laptop, and the BT connection was okay, perhaps they think I’m still in town?

1500 hrs BT connection down… Tsk! Back up 1509 hrs.

Started to do graphics for Letters to LOMM 8

Gang of about eight youths swaggering up the centre of the street. Hope they keep moving.

Getting on with graphics.

Yobs lurking outside again, going to go upstairs out of the way.

I’ll post this and try to remember to carry on the next from this time.

Must remember to take me medications up with me.

TTFN all.

Inchy’s E-Mail to the Nottingham Constabulary

/ Inchie / 6 Comments

Inspired by a letter published in the Daily Telegraph

The E-Mail

Having been bothered with the local yobs on my street, several times, and mugged twice. I’d like to give you an update on my situation.

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Nottingham Sherwood police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Sherwood by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in Sherbrooke Road, Carrington, Nottingham

Three of them seem to enjoy insulting passing pedestrians and motorists, threatening them as the pass.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins.

Several of them wander off to set fire to the odd bin. When they get to house number 14, I am concerned they might cause a catastrophe, due to the location of a rusty Calor gas bottle between the bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished cleaning me windows.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably their bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

Thank You

Juan Inchcock Chambers.