A bit of fun

Inchie: Thursday 25th December 2025

/ Inchie / 7 Comments

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – GOOD MORNICUS! – – –
BG, I had a decent sleep, no waking ups, no seizures, as far as I could tell.
Stirred at 05:20hrs, fell asleep at 05:23hrs. Woke 06:00hrs, fell asleep at approx 0610hrs. Woke at 07:00hrs and forced myself to get up.

The Carer arrived, sorted my medications, and Porpain-gelled my left and right arthritic knees. After hoovering around, he had to go. I bade him farewell and thanked him, and as he shut the door behind him, I went into a seizure that caused me more bother than usual. Humph! I came out of it with the typical acidity upflux, and waiting until things cleared in the head, then went to get a drink of soda water from the fridge, a cold drink sometimes helps in recovering.
Oh, dear, I’d left the hot water tap running! I turned it off and needed to visit the. Boy, was that another Trotsky Terence messy, gooey, yet sticky affair. Yes, it was.
When, providing I can find Kodak Tim 2, I can take some snaps… I’ve taken a look around without any luck so far. I’ll try again later. If one of the two good Carers calls, I’ll ask them to have a look. Cataract Katie is giving me some wobbly, blurry objects, moving moments. Then eases off into an opaqueness and blur, and back to the floaters.

Started blogging again, but it was not easy, and so annoying. CorelDraw was playing up, getting on a bit swifter now. Going to get as much done as I can before the eye fades.
Bigmouth me – CorelDraw is sticking and occasionally unresponsive again. Grrr!

Ejaz did the midday call. Painkillers, Phorpain-Gel on the tight knee, and put some cream on the ingrowing toenail. He’s a nice, helpful lad.

Pressed on with the blogging and got to doing the Ode at last. Slow work, Cataract Katie, Skahing Shaun and even Twitching-Neck-Nickolas joined in.

Mt friends, Jenny & Frank, brought up a wonderful-looking ‘all-the-works’ Christmas Day meal for me. 🤎
I got settled to dine, and soon realised that I’d underpraised the meal earlier. 
I have enjoyed a meal so much in my life.
Not being able to find Kodak Tim-2 really annoyed me. I wanted so much to take a photo of it, to show you all the festive feast that was the best present anyone could hope for. Jenny even brought up a mug with extra gravy in case I wanted any more. Marvellous!
I washed the plate and rang Jenny to thank her. Frank even came up to collect the plates and mug. I’d been over-spoilt, and I appreciated and loved it.
Thank you both so much!

I was so well-satiated, all I could do was sit on the c1966, £300 Oxfam charity shop-bought, wincingly grotty, beige-coloured, crumb-covered from my nocturnal nibblings, itch-making, uncomfortable, positively unhealthy, and dangerous, no longer operational, virus-breeding, easy-to-fall-out-of, Catheter-tube-trapping recliner, and fall asleep. It was such a delightful filling banquet.
No nibbling tonight needed!

I was woken after an hour or so as the Carer arrived. He issued the medications in his usual efficient way. And, I rhapsodised over the meal. Del Boy may have said ‘Lovely-Jubbly’. Spike Milligan might have said ‘Fanbloodytastic’. I think it was ‘Heaven-Sent’.

When I got up from the £300 second-hand shop purchased in 1966, a welt-causing, uncomfortable, not working, itch-inspirational, and crumb-containing recliner, and a rarely appearing ailment, shot up my right leg, but no bother, because of the anticipated and welcome arrival of . Off to the kitchen to get a cool bottle of soda water from the fridge… and
. There on the window ledge resting atop a bottle of mushroom ketchup was none other than my !
And returned Kodak-Tim to his usual resting place on the computer desk, next to the hearing aid box and Earache Erasmus’s olive oil dispensers. Returning to take a snap of the evening sun on its way down from the open window. Just about in time, cause it had disappeared two minutes later over the horison,

Thanks to Jenny & Frank.

Well, cometh the new year, to ring in,
Time for merriment & yodelling?
For renewed dreams and hoping?
To find a better way of coping?
With politicians, blatant lying?
=============================
TTFN
=============================

Selection of Inchy Cartoons Issue Two

/ Inchie / 5 Comments

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
TTFNski, each!

Inchy is visited by Alto-Inchie and Thanatos

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

Alto-Inchie: Ayup Inchy, I’ve come to cheer you up!

Inchy: Christ, that made me jump, you plonker, fancy materialising when I’m on the bog!

Alto: I’m surprised missen, when I call on yer,  yer usually always on yer blog! Hehehe!

Inchy: ‘Ow, come you’re talking in my Nottingham Meadows accent then?

Alto: Well, I’m gonna miss yer when you clock out, kick the bucket, snuff it…

Inchy: Just hang on a second here… do you know summat I don’t about my departure from this miserable mortal coil?

Alto: Well, yer… I was talking wiv Thanatos, formerly known as Azrael, and better known to humans as the Grim Reaper. The personification, embodiment, and spirit of Death yesterday…

Inchy: He’s real, then? What does he do?

Alto: He collects humans to carry them off to the underworld when the time allotted to them by the Fates has expired, and recaptures souls escaping from the underworld…

Inchy: Owd-it, let me clarify this: you are an Alto-Ego that goes around getting into humans’ minds just to annoy them. Is that right?

Alto: Spot on dog-breath! You might have made a rotten stinking mess of your earth life, dumbo, but I reckon you’ll make it in the underworld; the surreal is more palpable to you than reality is… I don’t blame you, really…

Inchy: You don’t blame me, really. For what?

Alto: You’ve gone through a lot; yer one only a handful of humans that have ever recognised an Alto-Ego when we visit, and you know that it actually you, you’re talking to!

Inchy: Well, that comes naturally, dunnit?

Alto: Not to anyone who’s sane; it doesn’t…

Inchy: Meaning, insinuating?

Alto: Let’s look at the help you’ve had over the years, shall we?

Inchy: Help? Me? Erm… all right then… worra yer mean like?

Alto: You had a rough childhood; no question about that is there…

Inchy: Suppose so, but it didn’t depress me, just took it as a normal life…

Alto: Exactly, Inchy! Despite the struggle to reach your teenage years and become a temporary alcoholic, you pressed on, gave up the drink, until your brain got infected…

Inchy: Infected?

Alto: Yer; starting with Dementia Doreen, I know you give each ailment a name, see. Then you got the Peripheral Neuropathy; I’ll not mention your being made redundant at 60. Then, you worked in Security, the only job you could find, and got yourself shot twice.

Inchy: Oh, kind of yer not to!

Alto: Next, you had the stroke, then confirmed with Cogniscent Impairment Iris & Dementia Doreen.

Inchy: Sound bad, dunnit?

Alto: It was and still is, mate! Yer now in yer Coffin-Expectancy-Years but won’t get one because you’ve prepaid for yer cremation funeral already. Not to forget your mechanical Aorta Valve heart operation of course. And going deaf.

Inchy: A long list innit Alto?

Alto: I’ve not finished yet, Inchy…

Inchy: Oh!

Alto: All the ailments mentioned have brought on Constipation Conrad, Arthur Itis, Cartilage Collapsing Chloe and Carole, Duodenal Donald, Lymphorrhoeas Leslie, Anne Gyna, Back Pain Brenda, Shuddering Shoulder Shirley, Reflux Roger, Bladder Belinda, and Prostate Paul. Cathies Catheter Contraption,

Inchy: Have yer done?

Alto: No! Left Hip Pain Hilda, Leg Papules leaking Fluid, Leaking Leg Papules Leonard, Colin Cramps, Diabetes2, Acne and Eczema, Ankles PN electric shocks, Harold’s Haemorrhoids bleeding, and giving you monolithic-moods of massive depressions! And your latest one, Non-Epileptic Seizure Disorder… he needs to be given a name yet, you know! What about Seizure Disorder Sid?

Inchy: Oh, you noticed? Yes, Sid is fine with me…

Alto: Had I been a human, I’d have paid to send you to Switzerland or Dignitas for active euthanasia years ago. Don’t use the  Samaritans; they’ll only try to talk you out of it…

Inchy: It’s weird, I know, but you seem to be in a caring, compassionate mood.

Alto: After my chat with Thanatos, the Grim Reaper, I got the feeling that he will be with you soon, and he will. He is excited and looking forward to collecting your Soul…

Inchy: Marvellous! But why? He must be so busy with the Middle East battles, diseases, and Ukraine and Putin’s Russian deaths; why would he bother about my demise?

Alto: As I said, he is interested in seeing how you go on in the underworld…

Inchy: Underworld? Is that hell?

Alto: Well, yeah! But an ethereal one, not like the Bible supposedly tells us.

Inchy: I don’t follow that…

Alto: I can’t tell you much about it, as Alto Rule 403320/b/death/keep.schtum prevents us from passing on any details you see. They don’t want any souls escaping and making hard work for the already overworked Grim Reaper.  

Inchy: Why?

Alto: Wiv all the wars going on again, the poor chap is up to the neck in ‘Soul-Collecting’…

Inchy: Well, he can miss me if he likes, it that helps!

Alto: Yer missing the point, mate. Yer Oligarchs, Politicians, Parole Board Members, Warlords, and the like, will not go to the underworld; it’s just pure hellfire for them.

Inchy: I like the sound of that!

Alto: I shouldn’t tell yers really, but, as I’ve grown to like yer…

Inchy: Yes, yes, yes…

Alto: The world ends shortly, as I mentioned to yer last month, but a new planet has been forming in the outer universe interplanetary space… Well, it’s being done by the unknown to anyone apart from the universe’s Altos and Thanatos workers. It should be a complete regenesis by August this year, which, as long as you are in the underworld by then, you will be able to start life again on a breathable planet. I am most intrigued to see how you get on with it… And Thanatos needed a good laugh!

Inchy: You’re pulling my plonker, ain’t you?

Alto: Yea… Hahaha!

INCHIE: Friday 24th March 2023

/ Inchie / 11 Comments

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

IN PART ODE

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Overview, Revue & Waffling Ode
I sat looking at the screen for an age, impotent,
Trying to be creative, but I couldn’t,
The brains power and batteries were absent,
The mind was not interested nor compliant!
But, I was determined to get through this addlement…
This Mind-Blank, with a feeling of being insignificant,
My thought process is uncomplaisant…
Was it Doreen’s Dementia being defiant?
The thoughts fused, terribly absonant…
Focus clarifies a smidgen, then back to blent,
Many hours I’ve just spent…
Doing this ode, although claudicant…
I’ve written very little, originally meant…
Going through denudement, with no denouement!
– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

The urine was another bad colour.

Popped through the letterbox was a leaflet regarding Winwood Heights Social activities. Which was impossible to read due to the small print and, of course, , & are chief suspects as well. My immediate desires inspired, were for me to go on a day trip out to the coast, maybe?
Then, of course, reality kicked in.
How the heck would I cope with the catheter and bag emptying?
Taking the medications? Ans, should be some miracle I made it to Skegness; there would be no way on the planet that I could resist a fish & chip meal!
Then, of course, should I be foolish enough to go on one – there is little doubt that one of the medical procedures I’m on the list for would arrive on the same day! Plenty to choose from; Cataracts, Glaucoma, Saccades, replacement bladder, and DVT vein bleed. Or another one of the Brain Scans.
I’ll have to go into a self-sulk mode and forget about any idea of a day at the seaside; it’s just impracticable! (Is that the right word?)

The Iceland order arrived.

Strawberry treats for the gals. With some different drinks this time. Vanilla ice-cream-flavoured ones. I tried one later from the fridge – very nice!
The especially ‘flattened’ wholemeal rolls. Miraculously, they had some of the cheap kitchen towels in stock for once.

The highlight was a meal I had never tried before.
Looking forward to this.

Good Heavens…

The urine was running a much healthier colour!

Mind Blank Time
One minute I was on the computer, went to the Throne, and found myself five hours later, standing in the kitchen taking photos in the dark? Obviously, Carers had called, but could I remember who and when? No!

Raining!

Got back to the computer but just could not focus, so packed up and back to take the photos again.

The rain has stopped, and as I went into the kitchenette, the sun found a gap in the clouds, offering me some pareidoliaing time.

Got the oven on heating up for the potato chunks. The ready meal will go in the microwave for nine minutes. So potatoes in when the heat gets to 200, 20 minutes later, I can put the Moussaka in the microwave, and hopefully, they will both be ready at the same time.

Back to the . acci-whoop The messy evacuation needed cleaning up. Then I realised that the WC tank was filling up very slowly – and while doing it, there was no water available from the cold tap on the sink? Friday night again – things always go wrong when there is no one on-site to help! Grumph!

Back to check on the meal to check…
But could not resist these views, a Pareidlia’s delight!

.
Both of these snaps offered up a multitude of figures for me to identify. The fact is, I was at it so long I overcooked the potatoes – but nae bother, I like them tinged a little brown around the edges.

Gorgeous tasting this one was!
I was sat in the second-hand shop-bought, £300, c1968, overwhelmingly-sickeningly-beige coloured, tatty, uncomfortable, wobbly, germ-producing, falling to pieces, food residue collecting recliner, feasting on this wonderfully flavoured fodder; when, in came Carer Jozef. He was soon off, with no night bag to change and no medications to give – they have still not arrived yet!

Finished off the nosh, washed things up and settled to watch a Jonathan Creek episode on the TV.
But it was not to be...
Zzz!

Inchies News Snippets & Ode Selections – Part 2⅝

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

Memories of Inchies Graphicalisationings

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –
Anti-Parole Boarders Snippet?

Anti-Crime Snippets?

Anti-Crime Snippets?

Anti-Crime Snippets?

Anti-Crime Snippets?

Anti-Crime Snippets?

My Postcode Crimes 2022, I think.

Oh, dearie me!

INCHIES OLD ODES & THOUGHTS

Total Waffle!

GP, in two days?
It took me six weeks to get the last appointment!

Doreen Dementia Ode

Inchies Most Hated – Parole Boarder Ode

Inchies Sad but True Ode

Inchies Other Hatred
LIBERTY-GLOBAL
VIRGIN MEDIA INTERNET FAILURES

ODE TO PUTIN

Inchies bit of this and some of that…
Balderdash,

We end with Inchies most hated group of murderers ODE!

TTFN

ALTO-INCHY RETURNS…

/ Inchie / 44 Comments

ALTO-INCHY RETURNS…

INCHY: Ayup, your back again then, Alto? Not seen you for ages.

ALTO: How did you know I was here; I was in clandestine mode?

INCHY: I reckon that Doreen Dementia can detect yer; I certainly knew you were creeping about in my head…

ALTO: Rowlocks! I reckon it’s another Alto trying to sneak in…

INCHY: Whatever makes yer think that then?

ALTO: Well, I’ve been having troubles with Alto Control Room Monitoring Section, mate...

INCHY: Mate? Calling me yer mate? Summat serious, then I take it.

ALTO: Of yes, not-half Inchy. I slipped up a bit with not picking up on yer suicidal tendencies, and the ACRMS found out… some sneaking Alto had snitched on me…

INCHY: That’s not right… some foreign Alto snitching on my Alto! Can I complain about this?

ALTO: Why?

INCHY: Well, after three-score and ten and a bit of having you pestering and trying to make me miserable, these past few weeks, I’ve sort of missed you, and you are mine?

ALTO: That would have brought tears to my eyes if I’d got any!

INCHY: Don’t be sloppy; it doesn’t become you; where’s your sarcasm, nit-picking, foul language, insinuations, and determination to destroy any contentment I have gone?

ALTO: It’s a sad tale, my friend…

INCHY: Hang on then, I’ll make a brew of Thompsons Punjana tea and get back to yer… owd yer horses… I’ll be back…

ALTO: Thanks, Inchy… I appreciate that…

At this, Inchy hobbled off to his kitchen and made the brew described above, totally confused. Alto, thanking him, calling him a friend and mate? Not a single insult or put down uttered? This could be serious. What if the new Alto takes over? He could well be worse than Alto Inchie?

INCHY: I’m back, Alto-Inchie. Fair enough, we’ve had some set-to’s, barneys and verbal battles… Who is this invading Alto anyway, and why does he want to take over control of me?

ALTO: I’ll explain, mucker! This Senior level Alto failed in his mission on his last assignment, got the sack, and has gone rogue on the ACRMS. Being such an experienced Alto, they cannot reel him back into the fold, and for some reason, he’s chosen you as his next target?

INCHY: Who did he fail with?

ALTO: Ah, well, he was Alto-Putin…

INCHY: Putin! The Russian one?

ALTO: Yes, I’m afraid so!

INCHY: How did he fail with Putin? Good Gawd, he’s launched the attack on poor Ukraine, and…

ALTO: Yes, yes, but it’s been 133 days now, and he still hasn’t won the war, has he?

INCHY: So?

ALTO: You should read up on the ACRMS rules; I’ve sent them all to your brain to study! Rule 9920043847076/Putin/WorldWar-93939g954h, Failure to achieve the prime target within 130 earth days of the formulation; will result in the said Alto (Alto-Putin in this case) being relocated to a proletariat target.

INCHY: Oh…

ALTO: Anyway, I’ve got a hell of a fight on my hands with this Alto-Putin; he’s good; too good for me...

INCHY: Well?

ALTO: Only you can help me, my old pal?

INCHY: How?

ALTO: Simple, if you commit suicide from depression, which is my prime aim, we can beat Putin-Alto, and save the world; you’ll be dead but famous!

INCHY: Ah, so if I top myself…

ALTO: Yes… but it’s got to be through depression at all costs. Otherwise, I fail in my Prime-Mission, do you see? Then I will get extra powers in payment from the ACRMS, and I can use them to defeat Putin-Alto! Hari-Kari, whatever you want to call it, through chance-medley and/or depression is a must way to go, Inchy. The ACRMS will not accept death through execution, accident, euthanasia, or mercy killing!

INCHY: How are they going to know?

ALTO: I’ll know, but the proof will be needed. I’ve thought about this, and a suicide note should do the trick, my old chum, something along the lines of: “I can no longer cope with the confusions of Doreen Dementia, Peripheral Neuropathy Pete, Nigel’s Neurotransmitters Failing, Cataract Cathleen, Deaf Dominic and the hellish bad luck and problems are all beyond my capacity to understand, alleviate or solve. Anything of any value I leave behind is to be shared between all my relatives and friends. I leave contact numbers for all three, in the first-aid box, in the ambulatory oxygen tank racking.”

INCHY: Alto, do I detect a little sarcasm creeping into the conversation here?

ALTO: Hang on, I’m getting a message coming in from Alto-Putin...

INCHY: Alto-Putin?

ALTO: Yea… hang on… I’ll be back…

Inchy started to fret a bit while he waited… A sense of his being conned again was growing… rightly so!

ALTO: Hello?

INCHY: Well, what was that about, Alto?

ALTO: He just sent one question for me… You pathetic dummy!

INCHY: Eh? What?

ALTO: Alto-Putin said: “Did Inchy fall for it?” Hahaha!

Inchcock’s Make ’em Laugh Series

Crowell Manor Laboratory Visit

/ Inchie / 28 Comments

CROWELL MANOR LABORATORY 102-Optical Solutioning

Crowell Manor Laboratories

The scientist & owner of the 46 laboratories, Billum; Master of Computational Finance, Master of Science in Teaching now retired. Has put his developments in his underground laboratories of a Time-Machine and Automatic Pickled Walnuts Slicer developments, experiments and creation on hold, all in the name of empathy and care of blogger Inchcock. Why? I’ll tell yer…

Billum invited Inchcock to come to his scientifically outstanding latest additional laboratory, dedicated to Medicationalistical ailments in the elderly. Having read the news about the Nottingham pensioner was having with his Cataracts, Glaucoma and Saccades in the sad old twits blog. He’s got plenty of his own, yet magnanimously and with great beneficence, Billum offered Inchcock to visit and “Have your Eyes Checked” in Laboratory 102, dedicated to Optical Solutioning! A marvellous offer and gesture, which the old Nottinghamian jumped at the eleemosynary offer. (Not literally, of course, jumping awake, yes, he can and does do… I’m waffling off of topic here again; sorry!)

Someone so far away, with his own ailments to cope with, and cares for others… That’s Billum! On arrival, they fed me, washed me, and we were soon going down to Laboratory-102. A fantastic, amazingly dazzling reception area… I think that his son Alan is the one who deals with the building side of things.

Billum’s other half, HRH Lisa, came in and gave me a sexy, pulse-prompting dance routine to the sounds of 1970s music. While Billum checked on Google, I assume to refresh his memory on cataracts, glaucoma and saccades?

It seemed like no time; it does when you are enjoying yourself. Before Billum took me through to his newest Laboratory-102.

He started his examination of my eyes…

Amid so many tests, prodding, probes and the usage of, to me, unidentifiable optical machines, some that played music, others that hummed, I smelt the perfume of my beloved (but don’t tell Billum) Sweet Petal, HRH Lisa… it was tantalising and moved my loins. Or maybe the painkiller that Petal Lisa gave me caused hallucinations? It contained Codeine, CBD and Cáñamo Hashish, whatever they are, but I felt no pain; they worked a treat!

I was spoilt rotten afterwards!

ODE TO THE VISIT

They sat me on a luxurious settee,
That was warming; they were lovely…
Served biscuits and a mug of Glengettie tea,
Petal Lisa came in and sat with me…
Billum was typing his assessment, you see…
The cats jumped up on my knee,
Petal Lisa, gemtly kissed me… ♥
I realised the tests done by Billum, for free!
I asked Petal Lisa if she wanted an adoptee?
Billum came in his report in hand and calmly…
Said, “It’s’ alright, you’ve got two eyes, not three!

That sort of puzzled and confused me…
Billum gave me a large bottle of CBD…
I went to take a wee-wee…
It didn’t flow very freely…
I said I know I’ve two eyes anyway…
Billum added, rather pleasantly,
Well spotted, and sent me away!

I make these blogs for Billum and Lisa, my Petal,
Not for anything that is epithetical…
But to raise a laugh, which to me is congenital,
For Billum, Alan and my precious Lisa Angelical!
I believe a laugh is as effective as hexobarbital,

Enough of this waffle,
I need another pittle,
Usually a painful trickle…
But releasing it is vital…
But having a laugh, trying to be comical…
To me, is worthy and commonsensical!
Even in this ode, that’s pathetical!

 Part of Inchcocks Make Them Laugh Series

The Fort Thomas Mystery?

/ Inchie / 12 Comments

THE FORT THOMAS MYSTERY

And, why is the Inchcock News Snippets reporter there?

Who is Billum? He is the once unspotted, then much-spotted, lesser-spotted, and now spot-free, Humira-taking, emeritus professor of algebraic, arithmetical, numerical, and statistics.

He, and his assistant, the lovely Petal Lisa, are referred to as HRH (Her Royal Highness) locally, around Crowell Manor, their home. She is always there, and always ready to support Billum, on his inventioning-habit. Billum is a clever lad. In fact, at the interviews I’ve had with him, I gleaned little – I was spending so much time on the Thesaurus and Dictionary.

After my last interview, I picked my way through the unwritten, intelligently and clandestinely formulated sagacious words in his replies. This is still a job in progress!

The Short Interview: Scientist, Lecturer, PhD, Astrophysics Master-Technician was working in his cellar basement laboratory, a sort of manufacturing complex, with a nuclear fall-out shelter, DVDs of the entire Grimm series, and enough supplies of cat food for 6-months was working on a new invention at the time.

I inquired what it was he was working on:

Billum: After explaining to me about his work, everything bar what it was he was inventing, said; That mutually inconsistent theory must not be ignored completely. Unless you want to… but if you do, you may miss a vital link that could prove that spaghettification is a natural phenomenon that we will meet. Thus, accepting that this is part of the process needed to be understood bBill andHRHefore the creation of any viable, workable model can be achieved, naturally…

Thankfully, Angel Lisa arrived as Billum got on with something in the other lab room (by gum, he must be working on two inventions simultaneously? Clever chap, you know!), and I was given a mug of Glengettie tea.

When he returned, I had a wee-wee, washed and returned. The interview resumed: I tried to think of a way, without sounding too stupid or upsetting Mr Billum, that he had not yet told me what the invention was yet… I mumbled and hesitated a bit; you would when talking to a genius!

Inchcock: Would you mind mentioning what your project is, Sir?

Billum: Not at all, transtemporal travel.

Inchcock: Sorry?

Billum: No need to be sorry, my lad… A way is bound to be discovered; I intend to be the man to do it… I’m close now; the lad Alan and HRH are getting excited at the prospect…

Inchcock: Erm, I’m not sorry you are doing it, Sir; I’m just sorry I didn’t understand what transtemporal travel means.

Billum: Well, what do you think it might be?

Inchcock: Er…, transport, maybe a cheaper way to power trains or aeroplanes? No, perhaps an unpunctureable air balloon… or…

Billum: No, no, no… Time-Travel! It’s taken me two weeks to get this far, but I’m sure I shall have it cracked by the end of today!

Inchcock: Er, So, you think it will work and be controllable, Billum?

Billum: Right now, at the particular place you are sitting, at the time when you are sitting there, one of two things is true: Either there is a closed timelike curve passing through that point in spacetime, or there is not. And that situation will never change — no matter what clever engineers may do in the future if they create closed timelike curves, they cannot pass through events in spacetime through which closed timelike curves did not pass. Simple!

Inchcock: Er… Is it?

Billum: Oh, aye! A time-travel paradox is a paradox, an apparent contradiction, or a logical contradiction associated with the idea of time and time travel. Time travel is one of the most popular and most exciting topics in science fiction. In psychology, mental time travel is the capacity to mentally reconstruct personal events from the past. We all do that. The motivation for a character to travel in time, provided that it is intentional, is either to rectify events in the past or to explore the past or future. However, there seems to be a danger of causing a paradox in the timeline, especially when going to the past. The best-known dilemma occurs if the time traveller goes back something like 70 years to the past and inadvertently kills his grandfather before grandpa has met grandma. He is extinguishing his own existence at the very exact moment. If he will never exist in the future, there is no one to go back to the past to cause the change in the timeline in the first place. As a result, the timeline is ambiguous since that time was in the past, and the person exists and does not exist at the same time from a logical viewpoint, at least in one possible interpretation.

Inchcock: Er…,

Billum: Oh, yes, easy-peasy! Time travel via speed, or the reverse… This is the easiest and most practical way to time travel into the far future – go really fast. According to Einstein’s theory of special relativity, when you travel at speeds approaching the speed of light, time slows down for you relative to the outside world…

Inchcock: So you’ve made an actual time machine then, Billum?

Billum: Of sorts, yes. The stronger the gravity you feel, the slower time moves. So my time bubble is super magnetic and will move at the slowest pace ever, so time travelling backwards is so easy! Which us what we will be doing.

Inchcock: Is it? Err, We?

Billum: Yes! Of course, it has to be large enough to carry food, water etc., for a good few years. And I was looking for someone who is not entirely with it. Preferably bald, so he’ll have no haircutting to worry about, will be needed; to be my first man to time travel in my bubble-magnet… Have another mug of Glengettie, mate…

Lock the doors, Alan!

Ode To The Outcome…

I enjoyed the tutoring for my journey…
By HRH, a joyous beauty,
You’ll have to see and agree…
But facts and numbers only confuse me…
Still, we had a cuddle and mug of Glengettie!

Time to go, lacking fear, and HRH was kissed…
I went slowly into the ether, the space mist…
I wrote of the nothing I saw and all I missed…
In time, I became a pretty fair anecdotalist,
Throughout, I kept at a level of my cheerfullest…

At no time did I become worried or distressed…
With Bill’s magnet-time-machine, I was impressed,
It was cold, and I was glad I wore my woolly vest…
Although, with my pencil breaking, I was stressed…
I’d a spare pencil stuck with a plaster on my chest.
Inchcock at his cunning best!

I saw Spike Mulligan, Aneurin Bevan, Yes, Siree!
I looked around to see if I could see Suzie…
Then I sensed starting, a Thought Storm, spree…
And then it all became vividly clear to me…

Huh, it was all a dream, Alto Ego laughed heartily…
At his mocking, I did disagree,
We had a verbal argy-bargy…
I started the battle off with “Pardon me?”,
We ended up drinking mugs of Glengettie tea…

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Part of Inchcocks Make Them Laugh Series