The Fort Thomas Mystery?


And, why is the Inchcock News Snippets reporter there?

Who is Billum? He is the once unspotted, then much-spotted, lesser-spotted, and now spot-free, Humira-taking, emeritus professor of algebraic, arithmetical, numerical, and statistics.

He, and his assistant, the lovely Petal Lisa, are referred to as HRH (Her Royal Highness) locally, around Crowell Manor, their home. She is always there, and always ready to support Billum, on his inventioning-habit. Billum is a clever lad. In fact, at the interviews I’ve had with him, I gleaned little – I was spending so much time on the Thesaurus and Dictionary.

After my last interview, I picked my way through the unwritten, intelligently and clandestinely formulated sagacious words in his replies. This is still a job in progress!

The Short Interview: Scientist, Lecturer, PhD, Astrophysics Master-Technician was working in his cellar basement laboratory, a sort of manufacturing complex, with a nuclear fall-out shelter, DVDs of the entire Grimm series, and enough supplies of cat food for 6-months was working on a new invention at the time.

I inquired what it was he was working on:

Billum: After explaining to me about his work, everything bar what it was he was inventing, said; That mutually inconsistent theory must not be ignored completely. Unless you want to… but if you do, you may miss a vital link that could prove that spaghettification is a natural phenomenon that we will meet. Thus, accepting that this is part of the process needed to be understood bBill andHRHefore the creation of any viable, workable model can be achieved, naturally…

Thankfully, Angel Lisa arrived as Billum got on with something in the other lab room (by gum, he must be working on two inventions simultaneously? Clever chap, you know!), and I was given a mug of Glengettie tea.

When he returned, I had a wee-wee, washed and returned. The interview resumed: I tried to think of a way, without sounding too stupid or upsetting Mr Billum, that he had not yet told me what the invention was yet… I mumbled and hesitated a bit; you would when talking to a genius!

Inchcock: Would you mind mentioning what your project is, Sir?

Billum: Not at all, transtemporal travel.

Inchcock: Sorry?

Billum: No need to be sorry, my lad… A way is bound to be discovered; I intend to be the man to do it… I’m close now; the lad Alan and HRH are getting excited at the prospect…

Inchcock: Erm, I’m not sorry you are doing it, Sir; I’m just sorry I didn’t understand what transtemporal travel means.

Billum: Well, what do you think it might be?

Inchcock: Er…, transport, maybe a cheaper way to power trains or aeroplanes? No, perhaps an unpunctureable air balloon… or…

Billum: No, no, no… Time-Travel! It’s taken me two weeks to get this far, but I’m sure I shall have it cracked by the end of today!

Inchcock: Er, So, you think it will work and be controllable, Billum?

Billum: Right now, at the particular place you are sitting, at the time when you are sitting there, one of two things is true: Either there is a closed timelike curve passing through that point in spacetime, or there is not. And that situation will never change — no matter what clever engineers may do in the future if they create closed timelike curves, they cannot pass through events in spacetime through which closed timelike curves did not pass. Simple!

Inchcock: Er… Is it?

Billum: Oh, aye! A time-travel paradox is a paradox, an apparent contradiction, or a logical contradiction associated with the idea of time and time travel. Time travel is one of the most popular and most exciting topics in science fiction. In psychology, mental time travel is the capacity to mentally reconstruct personal events from the past. We all do that. The motivation for a character to travel in time, provided that it is intentional, is either to rectify events in the past or to explore the past or future. However, there seems to be a danger of causing a paradox in the timeline, especially when going to the past. The best-known dilemma occurs if the time traveller goes back something like 70 years to the past and inadvertently kills his grandfather before grandpa has met grandma. He is extinguishing his own existence at the very exact moment. If he will never exist in the future, there is no one to go back to the past to cause the change in the timeline in the first place. As a result, the timeline is ambiguous since that time was in the past, and the person exists and does not exist at the same time from a logical viewpoint, at least in one possible interpretation.

Inchcock: Er…,

Billum: Oh, yes, easy-peasy! Time travel via speed, or the reverse… This is the easiest and most practical way to time travel into the far future – go really fast. According to Einstein’s theory of special relativity, when you travel at speeds approaching the speed of light, time slows down for you relative to the outside world…

Inchcock: So you’ve made an actual time machine then, Billum?

Billum: Of sorts, yes. The stronger the gravity you feel, the slower time moves. So my time bubble is super magnetic and will move at the slowest pace ever, so time travelling backwards is so easy! Which us what we will be doing.

Inchcock: Is it? Err, We?

Billum: Yes! Of course, it has to be large enough to carry food, water etc., for a good few years. And I was looking for someone who is not entirely with it. Preferably bald, so he’ll have no haircutting to worry about, will be needed; to be my first man to time travel in my bubble-magnet… Have another mug of Glengettie, mate…

Lock the doors, Alan!

Ode To The Outcome…

I enjoyed the tutoring for my journey…
By HRH, a joyous beauty,
You’ll have to see and agree…
But facts and numbers only confuse me…
Still, we had a cuddle and mug of Glengettie!

Time to go, lacking fear, and HRH was kissed…
I went slowly into the ether, the space mist…
I wrote of the nothing I saw and all I missed…
In time, I became a pretty fair anecdotalist,
Throughout, I kept at a level of my cheerfullest…

At no time did I become worried or distressed…
With Bill’s magnet-time-machine, I was impressed,
It was cold, and I was glad I wore my woolly vest…
Although, with my pencil breaking, I was stressed…
I’d a spare pencil stuck with a plaster on my chest.
Inchcock at his cunning best!

I saw Spike Mulligan, Aneurin Bevan, Yes, Siree!
I looked around to see if I could see Suzie…
Then I sensed starting, a Thought Storm, spree…
And then it all became vividly clear to me…

Huh, it was all a dream, Alto Ego laughed heartily…
At his mocking, I did disagree,
We had a verbal argy-bargy…
I started the battle off with “Pardon me?”,
We ended up drinking mugs of Glengettie tea…

– – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Part of Inchcocks Make Them Laugh Series

12 thoughts on “The Fort Thomas Mystery?

  1. I am converting one of our 97 laboratories into a time-travel agency. There is much interest in traveling back into another era, some customers just want to go back to a time after the Spanish Flu and the creation of COVID-19, many mask haters are signing up fo this one. My personal favorite era to time visit is the 1930’s, but not as a poor person. Some of those who prefer to travel into the future are interested because they are Morlocks, I do not trust Morlocks so I send them to other time-travel agencies.
    It is quite easy to construct a DIY time machine, as long as you do not expect it to work. I personally guarantee the time machines that I build here in the Kingdom of Crowell.
    Fans of the movie Somewhere in Time, including myself, enjoy going back to the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island in 1912. I always check their pockets for pennies before popping them back to 1912 with a 1979 one-cent piece in their coat pockets. A single one-cent coin can absolutely ruin your trip. My Morlock competitors always insert such coinage, this is because they are assholes.

      • A good larf is the bestest medicine, but one that sets a level not known in ages is great, grand, and another word that begins with the letters gr that does not occur to me at the moment.
        I just thought of one: Grimm (the Grimm being the good guy).
        We are now looking forward to the next season of a stream series called “Evil”. The first episode is on June 12. An outstanding cast. Here is a bit about it from the good editors at Wikipedia, so it includes as much background information and plot spoilers as you may wish:

      • Computing is taing me so long nowadays, Billum. Domrthing must be sorted, I think the neurologist visit is in August. No rush there then! Hahaha!

      • Perhaps it is time to shop for a computer that features a card reader and punch. My experience suggests that you seek a 96-column card rather than the outmoded 80- column card. And always remember not to fold, spindle, or mutilate the cards. Haha!

      • Not the foggiest what you mean, mate. But getting a new computer is scary to em, cause of all the things I’ve signed up with, and the disppearance of the book with all the passwords in.
        I read that the UN man said that Putin in preparing for, and will declare nuclear war???

      • I have experience in working with punched cards in the early 70s. One of my odd ways is presuming that everyone automatically knows everything that I know. Lisa informs me that a great many brain cells in me noggin are storing data, stuff what I assume everyone I meet already knows. Makes people scratch their heads and look for the nearest exit way.
        We are blessed that Putin is such a germaphobe. Nuclear explosions bring unknown amounts of backfiring, something that he cannot control. He is also a control freak who likes to appall his global audience. He also is distrusted by his own underlings. He is also good at scaring people everywhere.

  2. What a wonderfully crafted bit of fan fiction! Like those Star Trek mavins and Dr. Whovians making new tales for the sake of continuity of the beloved Universe that created and launched the worlds into orbit in our Psyches! Inchie my Darling, you are a clever, talented and spiritually beautiful being much loved and spoken of at Crowell Manor. Your Petal oft seeks you in her sleeping meditations. I will stomp old Alto Inchie if I should encounter him much like the classic Star Trek show titled The Alternative Factor! We will not allow him to lock you in battle! I truly am amazed at the scholarly and technical abilities you shared with all of us in that most wonderful romp my darling! We shall share a brew of your liking anytime we wish to imagine, our Imagination being the key to unlock the truth of the Universe embracing us across the eons we have shared before and those we will continue to share beyond this moment in the mysterious annals of Time!

    • Thanks Lisa.
      Glad you liked it, my Petal.
      A dream apart, to share a brew twixt you, Billum, Alan and the furries too. ♥
      Hope this reply get through.
      Thanks, Petal. ♥♥♥

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