Officials at the Okoku Bantu Social Centre in Nottingham, have banned the traditional appearance of Santa Claus, a local Senior Citizen Juan Inchcock (68) from appearing this year.
The new Centre manager Abdul-Geezer Danton, explained: “We think that the appearance of Santa Claus giving out free presents last year, may have contributed to the increase in muggings, and the riots in Nottingham this year. You see the citizens then expect to get something for free all the year, and the Job-centre Plus staff cannot provide this service with the cut-backs you see.”
He passed wind and continued in a softer voice: “Well really it’s his farting you know – fair enough he can’t help it at his age, but it is really deadly and the kids leave the shed without paying for the presents yer see”.
We spoke to some of the local residents and centre visitors, asking them what they thought of this, with the following answers given:
Gaz Tyron Shulaces (39) Drug dealer, bouncer and local Councillor: “Yea, wanna mek summat on it… eh?”
Leonnard Grapplemen (23) Unemployed Security Guard & convicted rioter and mugger: “I reckon it’s abart right, owt oh the blue like, this old git starts geeing us fings for nowt, but bleedin’ ‘ell his leaking arse is crucifying us like… worraya expec’?”
Shirley Ticklyer (32) Part-time Prostitute and mother of eight at the last count: “We could do wi Santa cummin ev’ry day ‘ere midduck!”
Mike Steedenski (42 ⅞) Redundant Police Officer Traffic Warden and now Car Park attendant: “Well there has been an increase in violent crime on the streets this year, that might be summat to do with the git-faced Cameron and his mob having just made 240 police personnel redundant in Nottingham? Santa has got nowt to do with it! Get Labour back in – it ain’t right mate… bleedin’ Tories, nothing but greedy scumbags the lot of em… we want a good riot ‘ere in Nottinum cause we ain’t ‘ad one for months nah…”
Ali Bye (22) Job Centre Employee: “Last year I got fourteen Santa’s a job in Nottingham, this year only three. The reason for less Santas is ’cause four of um last year got mugged, two arrested for shopliftin’ one for child molesting and two done for being drunk in charge of a reindeer!”
At this point the shed collapsed…
I shall have to put a pic of my pro-Europe badge what I wear on the lapel of all my jackets – I think I’m the only pro-Europe bloke in England. It doesn’t half piss people off though – especially so as I’m off to Thanet this pm – could well take a beating from some of Nigel’s lot over there. Whatever, it would make the traffic warden snap authentic.
Good on yer cocker.
Have a good day, and remember to take yer aspirins with you just in case it rains… Wot?
TTFN
Yep, last year, ahem, ‘Santa’ came into my house and took all my presents. He said he needed them for the poor but then I saw his wife wearing the coat my husband bought me! It didn’t even fit her! Steedenski was still commissioner at that time. He showed up drunk and told me there was nothing I could do about it. Oh, and he’s not much better as a parking attendant either. Last time I parked my car with him, he was drunk as well! I have a strong suspicion he banged up my car when he was parking it. Either way, when I came back with the parking ticket, he said he had never seen me before in his life!
Well thanks for that bit of information Marissa gal. It can be stored in the memory banks of Inchcock the ace reporter for the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society Gazette and used at a later date.
As for his drinking. In a stage play he once acted as Wild Bill Hickcok, the misprint in the poster read: Wild Bill Hic Hic kok played by Mike Steedenski Say no more. A slobbering alcoholic of pride and persistence is out Mike – he deserves recognition.
Well I’ll definitely give him that, but wouldn’t want to encourage him, you know.
hahhaha… I know what yer mean gal… Hehhe