Good morning Mr Inchcock, take a seat…

Inchcock went to an arranged meeting with someone from the Nottingham Homes Counter in the Central Library building to inquire if he actually had any chance of being housed in a what they call ‘Independent Living’ – which used to be called Warden Aided Flats within the surrounding area of Carrington.

It went something like this:

Homelink lady: “Good morning Mr Inchcock, please take a seat.”

Inchcock: “Thank you.”

Homelink lady: “Now what is your problem?”

Inchcock: “You assume I have a problem very readily – why can’t I be just making inquiries?”

Homelink lady: “You can be making inquiries…”

Inchcock: “Can I appeal against your placing me in the waiting band category D housing applicants? The lowest one which your staff informs me no one on this list has ever been housed?” 

Homelink lady: Muses over Inchcocks paperwork…”They are right, but they shouldn’t have told you that – do you know the name of the assistant who told you this?”

Inchcock: “No! – Did you not receive the letters in support of my application from my doctor, the hospital and the local police?”

Homelink lady: “Oh yes, but they are worth nothing as long as you own your own home – we must look after those with children and families…”

Inchcock: “So I’m being victimised for living on my own then, let’s sue the wife for dying eh ?”

Homelink lady: “Let me finish please… where was I? They are worth nothing as long as you own your own home – we must look after those with children and families… the homeless, poor asylum seeking immigrants and the mentally challenged.”

Inchcock: “Oh, so if I had several kids with various partners, was an immigrant or had a mental illness this would qualify me then? Being harassed mugged and attacked by the local yobbery, having a dodgy ticker arthritis angina duodenal ulcer, hernia and early onset of memory losses being unable to clean the house and not knowing any councillors personally goes against me then?

Homelink lady: “I didn’t say that!”

Inchcock: “I know you didn’t – I just said that!”

Homelink lady: “Said what?”

Inchcock: “So if I had several kids with various partners, was an immigrant or had a mental illness this would qualify me then? Being harassed mugged and attacked by the local yobbery, having a dodgy ticker arthritis angina duodenal ulcer, hernia and early onset of memory losses being unable to clean the house and not knowing any councillors personally goes against me then?

Homelink lady: “It’s a simple fact that you cannot be considered for… hang on! Not knowing any Councillors personally you said goes against you?”

Inchcock: “I did!”

Homelink lady: “Why?”

Inchcock: “It’s true innit?”

Homelink lady: “Are you suggesting that we here at Nottingham City Homes are being intimidated, bribed or are in an allegiance of some sort with Nottingham City Councillors Mr Inchcock?”

Inchcock: “Glad you admit it gal…”

Homelink lady: “I admit nothing… there is nothing to admit to, I think you must be mad to make such allegations – this interview is being recorded you know…”

Inchcock: “Mad? Me? Do you really think so midduck?”

Homelink lady: “I am not your duck! And yes I do think you must be crazy to come here throwing such intimations around – this interview is terminated Mr Inchcock!”

Inchcock: “Thank you petal – before I go will you sign this statement I prepared earlier to the fact that you consider me to be mentally ill? – Then you can move me up to band C and I just might get #’@~$ing 10% chance of being rehoused…Hehehe!

She carried a good left hook…

This bit of nonsense was inspired by a dream that Inchcock had.