Woodthorpe Alcatraz Pensioner: Now up for Adoption!

Would you like to help this 72-year-old young Inmate to find a life again?

After several failed escape bids, and his refusal to love his new windows, that block the light and view; something had to be done.

The management has no other option to put Inchcock up for adoption.

Although getting on a bit in years, he has no problem in manoeuvering to and from the cell blocks daily. His stratagem, as with many of the detainees, is just to ignore the lorries, tractors, etc. and plod on.

He sometimes goes out during his exercise period, to the wood behind his block.

Should you not get along with Inchcock after taking him in, don’t worry. He is suicidal, and few well-chosen words of reprimand, reproach or if desperate, an unwarranted tongue-lashing for something he didn’t do, will suffice.

So, you can see, if you decided to adopt Inchcock, you would not be getting a totally inept or immobile adoptee, indeed. He is capable of cleaning shoes for you (although this must not include his bending down, as he can’t get back up again).

The Nottingham City Council have made arrangements for his funeral, if he snuffs it before the upgrading is done, anyway.

No matter what the weather, he gets out to his Doctors, chemist, clinic, and hospital almost daily. This would, of course, mean less hassle with having to listen to his stories of the 50’s and how much simpler life was then, and the musical talents of Frankie Vaughan and Billy Fury. Another bonus for any adoptee!

No need for you to worry in the event of any fire alarms either.

Inchcock knows many of the Fire Service personnel himself.

And he has watched them as they attend the average twice weekly false fire alarms to Woodthorpe Block. And I can say that none of these emanated from his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles infested cell.

So, another possible worry about adopting Inchcock is deleted.

He has grown to like his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles.

If he is adopted on his release, this will mean so much to him, knowing he no longer has to kill the creatures every day, to avoid being bitten.

It was mentioned at the last Block Wardens meeting, about the amount of what he calls Whoopsiedangleplops and Accifauxpas he suffers. This is nothing to worry about, we don’t, just ignore him, and he’ll go away back to his crossword book, no problem.

If Inchcocks becomes defiant and will not do as he is told, here is the advice of the Oberführer and Gruppenführer of the Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union and Training Brigade. Just ignore him, unless there is some valid point to his moaning, then pretend to listen intently, then ignore him. It works a treat!

In the rare event that he persists, offer him a scowl, and threaten him with eviction and being moved to a prison cell in a rough area of Nottingham. That always quietens Inchcock down, for us.

You will have no problem with his often almost daily visits to the doctor for his blood tests and fungal lesion treatment.

As long as you live no more than two miles from Carrington, in Nottingham.

He enjoys the hobbling to and fro, and seems to get some satisfaction from the telling-offs and reprimands when he arrives at his surgery. He is also in love with one of the nurses.

No need fret over his medicationalisationing needs at all.

He can take his medications, albeit that he gets them wrong at times, this is nothing for any prospective adoptor to worry about, though.

In the event of his snuffing it while in your care, call for a quick removal of the body. Inform Nottingham Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union on 0115 955 0029, and he has a nose ring he keeps with him, at all times. It is the only thing he has left of any value, but it could fetch up to £1.50, so worth searching for.

Prisoner 72, is well known for his willingness to help at the outings and trips away.

The Social side of things can be a bit daunting for Inchcock.

His social skills are somewhat limited, but he does try his best, although without much success. But credit to him for trying.

He can be used for doing the washing for any adoptee and their family. He is well versed in the operation of older washing machines and is a bit of a wizard with the iron.

One handicap with his doing the laundry is his persistent habit of finding odd socks. This does not matter to him, or that he is that short-sighted he usual wears odd ones anyway without realising it. 

His being deafish could well help and having a bad memory can come in handy for any adoptor. He’ll believe it when you tell him you told him yesterday! Hehe!

Well-versed in electrical work and planning.

He is the envy of many other prisoners, at how he keeps his cell arranged.

His window cleaning skills are a bit different from most inmates.

But they usually get a laugh.

Naturally, they are part of his many flunked escape plans.

So, if you can help us with this overweight, deaf, short, bald, Duodenal Ulcer, Anne Gyna, Reflux Valve, Harold Haemorrhoid, Hippy Hilda, Hernia Harry, Dizzies Dennis and Shaking Steven ailment suffering old Inchcock, and take him away, please get in touch.

Thank You