Ageing humour

Inchcock Today: Wednesday 13th 2014

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Jane01carInchcock is going (Hopefully) to visit his Sister Jane and Brother-in-law Pete today. As you can see, Pete is not a fan of shavers, razors or Gillette at all. Inchcock is excited about his trip out, and looking forward to it with great enthusiasm and trepidation. The ‘Trepidation’ comes via his dream last night about wild mobility scooters on the rampage, and his excruciatingly agonising harrowing death at the hands of one of them!

1600hrs Tuesday11th  August

Yobs on street. WC. Moved upstairs, read book, watched DVD, and had nibbles.

13 8 medsWednesday 13th August:

More bad dreams. Up at 0500hrs. WC.

Started the laptop. Had breakfast (Medications) and a cuppa.

Blogged and emailed for a while.

Arthur Itis, angina and lower regions not feeling too bad at the moment. The reflux valve a bit bothersome like.

WC, glad to report all well in this activity OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAthis morning – No blood, No pain.

Updated this load of true baloney.

Got ready and set out to go to Jane’s house. Very busy in city centre. Caught 2nd bus out, and had a natter with Jane and Pete.

 

Said I was wanting to take their photo, but I OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAlost the plot and forgot to take it. Tsk!

 

Caught bus back after an hour or so, and had a walk around town, then caught bus to Derby. I had a poddle about in the Eagle Centre Market. Noticed there wus a lot lot Disabled Scooter folk about – and today they were in twos!

RedArrowFolk didn’t seem too happy today, but then there were plenty of yobs around acting in an intimidating fashion.

 

Fed the pigeons, avoiding the skateboarders belting around – bloody school holidays!

 

Caught bus back to Nottingham, then bus to the hovel.

 

Would you believe it, straight outside the house, 6 yobs swearing threatening and kicking a football about.

 

I brought me laptop up to the bathroom, where I’m doing this.

 

Didn’t want to call the police, as last time when I did, the clot of a Constable came straight to the house and knocked on the door, while they were looking – so they knew who called em. The next day I was attacked as I went out for a walk to the chemist. I didn’t see the youths as they came from behind, but I reckon it was them.

 

Finishing now, nervous and frettingly.

TTFN 

Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

SS01catYou Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

SS 002You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

SS TVsOn the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

SS 07 12.5pYou Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

SS GC vanYou Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

SS 09 AckerYou Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

SS 08 PipeYou Will Miss:

Having a pint and your pipe.

 

The Reason/Why:

The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!

Inchcock Misses His Walk into Nottingham

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Walk 001

Juan Inchcock, our 68 year old Nottingham correspondent and unemployed Gas Street lamp wick trimmer, found himself housebound the today.

Partly due to his arthritis, angina, losing his free-bus-pass and walking stick, the flapping holed sole of his right shoe, and the lousy wet weather.

He was straining a thrice-used Asda Smartprice tea bag, when he thought about what he might be missing on his cancelled wonderful walks through his beloved Nottingham.

He takes up the story… no hang on, he’ll take up the story when he returns from the loo.

(Whistle whistle…)

Ah here he comes….

 Inchcock explains all

I feel rather sad really, realising the many things I had come to expect to see and enjoy on my daily hobble into Nottingham and by bus-ride back home again.

The things I miss most

Walk02* The skills I’ve acquired over the years in avoiding the dog phoo and broken bottles on the way to the main road.

* Checking for the gangs of yobs, and taking a different route.

* The skilful way I avoid the stones thrown at me, and ignore having my parentage questioned by the little mites in the playground as I pass the Junior school.

* Passing the many Pay-Day loan outlets is a bit depressing though. Not often I see any customers in them, but they always seem to be someone smoking, with a pram with toddler and beer cans in it, and a few kids with them. The kids are usually trying their best to destroy the furniture in the office.

* The pleasure of guessing to myself, where the next road blocked off while the police investigate the murder, stabbing, or fire-bombing that took place the previous night will be situated.

* Using my vast experience and skills in spotting and avoiding the beggars, Big Issue sellers, and pickpockets as I approach the city centre.

* Observing the playful way in which the shoplifters are occasionally removed from the stores into the police vehicles.

* Popping into the 99p store to be short-changed, sneered at and overcharged, I have to appreciate their consistency.

* Moving along to the Pound shop and getting out without physical injury is very rewarding – reminds me of jumble sales in the 1960’s.

* The St Peter’s Church area. Where one can find Jehovah’s witnesses, Muslims’ and of odd Christian spouting their beliefs.

* The clever way in which I take the routes less likely to be shat on by the pigeons, not always successfully I admit… all this experience is invaluable.

* To stand and watch Himmler, the parking attendant, with his chest out, and weighed down with all his pouches, machines, and tackle around his midriff, strutting up and down Mansfield Road, as he totally ignores cars parked on the pavement, and in the disabled bay. I often wondered if his ticket machine actually works, I’ve never seen him use it yet this year (or last year come to that!).

* The lunchtime drunks falling out of the pubs can be entertaining too.

Walk 003* I often wonder if I am the only person to see the drug dealing going on in the city library and McDonald’s.

* Avoiding the gangs of lager swilling pot smoking scary looking gentlemen who gather outside of the three benefit offices in the city centre is an essential part of surviving a walk through town. But I have to take care not to trip over any of empty strong lager cans.

Walk 04* The gentle whiff of rotting decay rising from the canal, as the ducks try to navigate around the shopping trolleys, condoms, empty cider bottles, and bicycles to get to the bread I’ve thrown in for them is always worth a look.

* The constant melodious sound of intruder alarms, car, and emergency vehicle sirens and klaxon’s, mingle with voices and curses of people being arrested, the children swearing, and the many different languages being spoken, all blend together to create a distinctively Nottingham sound that should be appreciated.

* A quick check on the many Charity shops – but they cannot help me!

* I might pop into the Arboretum to feed the ducks, get mugged, on my way to a meeting with my financial advisor (Social Security Benefits Office).

* An essential part of my strolls through the City Centre is to count the many and ever increasing number of retail premises closed down, for sale, lease, or rent. I do a report each month for the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society’s newsletter, although they have never printed one yet.

* I’ll often stand outside Starbucks, Caffe Nero or Costa Coffee, and sniff in the aroma, watching the people inside who can afford £2.99 for a cup of the horrible stuff.

* The pleasant group of youths who congregate in the slab square near the fountains are worth a watch while I rest me weary feet and legs and eat me seaweed. I think the one with Walk 05four ear-rings, a nose ring, smudged tattoos on his neck and green dyed hair is the best of them at seeing hoe far they can spit into the paddling pool area.

* Having been hit four times my Mobility Scooters (Or the people supposedly driving them) I am on tenterhooks when in the city centre. So I have to try and keep an eye out for them while trying to keep me balance walking, and watching for potential muggers. (I’ve been mugged twice as well).

Oh I do miss my daily walk into Nottingham!

Part 22: Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe – The Night of the Storms!

/ Inchie / Leave a comment
W22 01

Where the Nightmare took place

So there I was, out of work.

In the old days it was easier to get another job, but all I could manage was to become a night security guard for a local company…. on £3.10 ($4.79) an hour!

W22 04

The main hall, and Pitch and Putt area

I was posted to the Co-op College, Stanford Hall, out in the country at Rempstone, on 13 hours night shifts, and a 15 mile trip each way.

W22 05 theatre

The theatre

The place was massive, duties included, patrolling all 11 buildings, restaurant, pub, archives, library, stores, computer room, reception, cash takings security, drunks, car parking, games rooms, tennis courts, golf course, the Lido, the four residential blocks (including the 244 students regular studebts), the tutors quarters, the 18 classrooms, issuing tennis and golf gear for hire, the Roman gardens, the central heating for the main block, and greeting visitors and taking them in the restaurant to serve salads to them, before guiding them to their rooms and carrying their luggage for them, manning the phones, responding to calls for assistance form pupils, tutors, bar staff, and visitors, the local police ARV vehicle, key control (there were over a thousand keys on site), the hundreds of windows on site, different timed lock-ups unlocks, setting unsetting alarms, unlocks, escorting bar staff to and from the safe with the cash, keeping drunks in order, somehow finding time for recorded patrols and responding to calls for help etc etc!

Looking back, I do not know how I managed it… but this particular night, the ‘Night of the Storms’, was a particularly horrendous night!

W22 2

Main areas of concern

1720hrs: The lightning and rain started pelting down as I drove up the main drive to the reception, to start work at 1800hrs…

As soon as the staff had shown me the keys for the night’s visitors due, and they shot off during a break in the rain.

Then it started: The first power cut!

Now this was new to me, and I knew the first thing I had to check was the Police Armed Response Vehicle garage, conveniently located at the far West end of the compound, this I did, and returned to inform the police that all was safe with it – then I rang the caretaker, to find out how to reset the boiler, all the time having to fend off enquiries from bar staff, drinkers, students, and tutors about the power cut!

I got my torch, and went into the boiler room, luckily the instructions given me by the  caretaker, sat at home watching the Morecombe and Wise show, were clear, and in about five minutes, I’d reset the boiler. After I stumbled about a bit the torch packed up. Grazed chins and a bruised head were acquired within minutes of entering the boiler room.

Back to base (reception area), to find all the flaming alarms were going off – 14 All of them I say!

It took ages, but finally I managed to get them all reset, not without a certain degree of frustration and cursing.

Then the guests arrived, and I fed them, and guided them to their rooms, they were Bulgarian, but somehow I got my messages across.

Then, I thought, ah, I’ll put the kettle on, and get me first patrol in… ‘Oh no!’ The second power cut took place!

This time I was a bit more knowledgeable as to the procedure, and went through it all again.

Then I got calls from students who were locked in the computer room, and archive rooms due to the alarm affecting the locks! So I had to go and release them, and reset the code access controls on the door.

When the bar closed, I escorted the barman with his cash to the safe, and we deposited it safely. Then I went around locking up the library, computer room, archive room, games rooms, Tutors quarters, etc.

By 1100hrs, the staff had all gone, and I hoped things would settle down a bit.

W22 03

Incident Report Sheets galore that night – oh dear…

I took the opportunity to start filling in my incident report sheets – then the third power cut struck!

It was getting hectic now, students wanting to know what was going on, stopping me, phoning me, they even rang the company (For obvious reasons I can’t mention their name here Scan Security) to say they couldn’t find me for help. The night manager contacted me on the RT. What a night!

This time I had no staff to bother me, so got it sorted relatively quickly… all bar an extra alarm that I could not identify had gone off this time! I had to phone the very unhappy at being woken up caretaker again. It turned out it was a hallway picture alarm, but we could not identify which, so I had the pleasure of going around all the halls and staircases, checking the 60 or so pictures/paintings hanging on the walls, to identify which one it was – during this, the forth power cut hit!

I went through the procedures again and then back to searching for the activated alarm on the painting. I managed to find it, and closed the contacts behind it in the hope that I could now reset it at the panel.

So back down two flights of stairs, through the main hall, back into reception to get the keys to the ‘catering managers office’, where I was informed, the panel was located for this alarm.

It was in a walk-in cupboard. I fetched the required keys; the panel was very high on the wall. I had to use a chair to stand on to reach it, but thankfully, it reset okay.

Back to reception, put away the keys, and back to my incident reports, and yes, you’ve guessed it – another power cut!

This time lightning had hit a tree outside the boiler room door, and partly blocked entry – so very sodden and frustrated, I had to haul it out of the way, but everything reset okay again… then I realised I’d forgotten to inform the Leicestershire constabulary control room that all was safe with the ARV garage… so did so, and got a mouthful for being late with the report.

I swore.

As the staff arrived in the morning, nothing looked any different to them, and I had to take the incident reports home with me to finish filling them out.

While doing this at my home, the phone rang, control had received a message from the Catering Manager at the college. It seems I had left a dirty foot-mark on the chair used while I was accessing the mystery alarm panel, and I was now to receive a written warning!

Real worried I was…

Inchcock Today: Friday 8th August 2014

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

It might have been dream filled, but the bit of sleep I managed was most welcome after so long without any. A plus here.

Up around 0500hrs. Me first WC visit, but blood from the back passage. A minus levelling me earlier plus there.

I put laptop on. Made cuppa, no breakfast yet, feeling a tad queasy. WC.

Set out to catch up on emails and blogs, to give meself time to get ready later to meet brother-in-law Pete in town. He’s agreed to take some photo’s of me that I can manipulate (manipulate… another word I like, don’t know why though) for later use on the blogs. This saves me repeating too many on posts.

WC. I blogged away to my heart’s content.

Got ready things for my walk to town to meet Pete – put camera in bag first, then nibbles and medications.

Fri801Off up to the bathroom for me ablutions, WC and cleansing of the teggies and body. Changed togs and off I went… after a quick visit to the WC.

I started to walk to town, nibbling me seaweed, banana and pecan nuts as I trundled along.

Near the cemetery on Mansfield road, I saw an old Rolls Royce driving towards me. I hastily got out me camera and took a shot of it – well I tried to… but a bus belted past from behind just as I was shooting it and made me jump. The Rolls Royce is located behind the bus on the photo here. Tsk!

Fri802I pressed on, and as I got near to the centre of town, I saw an ambulance with its lights flashing. I thought maybe some poor devil had been knocked down. As I drew level with the altercation on the opposite side of the road, I saw two pretend police ‘womanesses’ (CPOs) with the medics, and the bloke who had been mugged was still on the floor? Welcome to Nottingham.

Fri803Wandered to where I’d arranged to meet Pete, and there he was.

We had a wander around town, and I tried out some of what I thought were a few punch-lines on him, that I might put in a blog-post. He didn’t laugh. But as we are both a bit on the deaf side… never mind.

We went to the bus station, and Pete took some photo’s I might get me face of for a bit of graphicastionalistical fun with.

Fri0805Pete gorron his bus home, and I wandered back through town to me bus stop, taking some photos while passing through the city centre.

Being late Friday afternoon, as expected the bus was very full – but no one sat next to me in the spare seat, they stood instead? Mmmm… And I’d put me ‘Brut’ on when I had me Fri804wash… Mmmm?

Got in me street, no yobs about thank heavens.

Had several cups of tea, well I made several cups of tea. Most of em went cold cause I was deep in concentration making graphics to use later.

Made me nosh of leftover bits of ham, instant cheese mash and a tin of sweet corn, naturally I had me seaweed with it, followed by an orange lolly.

Inchcock’s Letter to Agony Aunt: 01

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Dear Auntie,

Inchletter01

Wilhelmina and Inchcock

I’ve still not got over the best put-down line offered to me from a member of the opposite sex, to date. (And there has been hundreds over the years).

I was working at Tesco at the time, and this new girl Wilhelmina had started there, and she soon got my heart, foibles and desires all of a flutter.

Eventually I plucked up enough courage to offer to take her on a date, to the pictures (to the Elite cinema) in Nottingham.

Her response, hit me hard, and I’ve never forgotten how she leant her head to one side, adopted a radiant sympathetic smile, and looked  down at me and said: “No thanks titch, I only date men!”

As it came over, I was uncertain if she was referring to my height or length. Although I agree, both measurements are extremely short, incommensurate, and remarkably insufficient.

I feel I am not responsible for either of these miniscule measurements. Can’t understand it, my Dad was more than well equipped.

It isn’t fair!

Inchletter02

Dr Gropeworthy

I once visited a psychologist, a Dr Damien Gropeworthy for help with my phobia. He just said “It is a darling little thing that should be cherished and massaged regularly.”

I didn’t go back to see him again.

But you can see my problem… can’t you? (Well not see my shortage as such, but the difficulties it presents to me).

Any good advice would be welcome, as I have a date next week, and need to be prepared you see.

Yours: Juan Inchcock Chambers

Grane plot 34 (Next to the fire bombed police car) The Nottingham Ex Gas Lamp Lighters Benefit Support Association Accommodation, Central Cemetery, Nottingham.

Inchcock Today: Thurs 7th August

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

Inchcock Today: Thursday 7th August

Not much kip again, but at least I got some in last night.

First job my sixth visit of the night to the WC.

Laptop on, had a cuppa and porridge. Had a great time creating commenting on a few and reading blogs. BT internet only went down a few time this morning.

About 1230hrs did me ablutions, WC, got ready to go and pick up my extra prescription from the GP. WC’d before I left.

Got prescription from the surgery, and set off on a walk (limp) into town.

Walked passed the chemists forgetting to get me medications – I blame the fact that I was noshing a banana.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIn town, I caught a bus out to Derby.

I fed the pigeons behind the bus station. Noticed how low the water was, this revealed a new shopping trolley in the Derwent.

Had a hobble around, noticed all the people seemed in a bad mood there.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWalked out and caught bus to Mansfield.

In Mansfield, I realised that the people of Derby, were in fact not in a bad mood. What a depressing place the market there was today. Folk already staggering sloshed out of the pubs, people arguing, oh dearie me.

I bought a crossword book from the arcade, and made my way back to the bus station. I could smell food cooking somewhere, so was forced to investigate in the shop. Boy did I have a job telling her I had bought the crossword book from somewhere else.

Caught the bus back to Carrington, it was busy with passengers by then, and I had the company of a foreign lady on the seat in front speaking non-stop on her mobile, and a deep voiced loud chap on his mobile in the seat behind. Proper headache by the time I got off the bus. Neither stopped talking for over an hour.

I got off the bus as I had cunningly planned, near the chemists. Went in and they dispensed me prescription for me within fifteen minutes as I started me crossword book off.

Good job there was some extra pain-killers, had to take a couple straight away for me headache. Tsk!

Struggled home, knees and feet bad now. Got in, put the kettle on, and then went back out to the chemists to pick up me crossword book.

Back to the hovel again. WC.

Had a Cornish pastie peas and microwave chips – naughty but nice, followed by an orange jelly. I just don’t care yer know!

Took laptop up to do this blog. WC.

Not one of me most exciting days, but at least I got out a bit, must phone Jane again later and try and cheer her up a tad.

TTFN

Part 21: Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe – Tesco and the Shoplifting Incidents

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

W21 top

Tesco and the Shoplifting Incidents

The Shoplifting Bloke with big nose

W21 nose

Late December 1963: This incident took place while I as working at Tesco on Goosegate, Hockley in Nottingham. (The only Tesco in Nottingham at the time).

I was manager of the Greengrocery Section at the time. It was 0800hrs and I was setting out the display, as I noticed this tramp-like chap with a heavy sack under his arm, and the biggest blotchy nose I’ve ever seen walk into the store and he said to me, in a refined sort of voice “Good Morning young man” and proceeded down the aisle to the tinned meats sections shelves.

As I was looking at him, a mate (Butchers cutter Ray Miles and old school chum) was filling the meat fridge opposite where the chap was, and we acknowledged each other. At that moment the big-nosed chappy opened the heavy sack, and scooped all the Fray Bentos corned beef tins into it – slung it over his shoulder, and proceeded to walk out of the store.

I jumped down from the trolley of potato sacks I was putting on the display as he passed me, and said; “Excuse me Sir…”

“Fair enough governor, you’ve got me!” Then handed me the sack, and he actually led me into the back and upstairs.

The manager joined us, and the police were called.

They arrived through the back loading door within 10 minutes, and you should have seen the beaming smiles on their faces when they saw the chap and greeted him with; “Hallo Arthur, how the devil have you been keeping son?”

One of the policemen handed out his fags to the other officer and ‘Arthur’, and they chatted merrily away for an hour or so. Eventually they arrested him, and he was collected by another officer who came to fetch him, and another old-time gossip session took place between they all, with laughter, back slapping etc.

After he’s been taken away, the remaining plain clothes officer told us that it was near Christmas, so Arthur always got himself arrested so he could be fed and looked after over the holidays.

The Shoplifting Lemon Jacketed Vixen

1964: I had been promoted to the grand title of ‘Trainee Assistant Manager’. The store manager’s name was Mr Wynn, and we had a new Assistant Manager, Mr Goodhead.

I was helping out on the tills, and unbeknown to me, Mr Goodhead and a store detective had been following this giant of a woman, wearing a bright ‘lemon’ jacket and had been seen hiding tinned products in her own shopping bag.

The first I knew of this was when Mr Goodhead, tried to stop the woman as she exited the doors, and she swung her bag of canned food around and into the face of Mr Goodhead, knocking him out for the count.

For some reason, she ran not out of the shop, but into it, and a chase ensued with me, Mr Wyn, a woman supervisor (Can’t  remember her name) the store detective woman, Ray Miles and several other brave staff chasing her around the gondolas and shelves for a few minutes (Even at the time I thought this is a bit like a Keystone Cops film).

Then she ‘Lemon’ woman ran into the back of the store, up the stairs and into the warehouse, where she was eventually wrestled to the floor. Several cuts and bruises were suffered by the staff in this scrap, ‘Lemon was strong woman.

As we waited for the police to arrive in the warehouse, a rather weather-beaten Mr Goodhead appeared, with a hell of a lump of his forehead, along with a trickle of blood from his ear-hole.

Two women PCs arrived, and that set of the ‘Lemon’ again. It took the PCs and three of us to calm her down again.

Another police car arrived, and we managed to get her into the back of the Panda, not easy trying to carry 16 stone of unwilling ‘Lemon’ to a car, I can tell you.

W21 pandaAs the car drew off up the back road with ‘Lemon’ ensconced in it, it was amusing to see the car swerve and shake about with the springs being tested to their limit.

We counted our injured. Mr Goodhead head injuries, sent to hospital three days off work – Our female supervisor broken nail, bloody lip and pulled hamstring, eight days off work – The Store Detective woman, bloody nose and scratched face – Ray Miles bruised testicles, Inchcock bit fingers and broken glasses.

Eventually we found out that the woman (Lemon) had received 3 months probation and a £20 fine.

Was it worth it I asked?

The Lincolnshire Chase

W21 noseSo there I was, sent to the Lincoln Tesco, as additional help in getting the store sorted in time for reopening after a fire.

Tesco had got Bruce Forsyth and then David Nixon to do a visit to encourage shoppers to attend the reopening.

We only just managed to get everything ready on time, and I worked throughout the night, along with many others.

The opening ceremony went well, Mr Forsyth and Mr Nixon, especially Mr Nixon, ere true gentlemen and remained unflustered as their fans approached them.

After they had both gone, I had hoped to get some sleep in – but the codeword for a shoplifter came over the tannoy, so it was all male staff to the shop floor.

The distinctively dresses Teddyboy doing the shoplifting, skipped past the manager, and had it away on his toes, with me in pursuit.

Eventually I had to give up the chase, I bet he’s not been working all night.

Then it dawned on me… I was lost.

Eventually, after asking for directions repeatedly, I got back to the store, just in time to start my next shift.

Inchcock’s Letter of to anyone who will listen

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

 

L9 01

Dear Anyone who will listen,

It has come to me attention, and that of the NHS Casualty Department staff, that I have been clobbered four times now, by folk driving disabled and Motorbility scooters in the Nottingham area.

The First Attack

The first was on Mansfield Road near the cemetery as I was walking up the hill on my way to town.

He came from behind, knocking me over and spilling my bag of goodies on the floor as he drove over me right leg. It were a decent clout wot I received.

The disabled driver then continued to rant at me, despite my pointing to me hearing aids, and then shot off up the hill. I asked the woman who came over to me, what he was saying. It seemed he was asking if I was alright, but got angry when I couldn’t hear what he was saying?

Anyway, I gorrup with the lady’s assistance, dusted missen down,  thanked the lady, and carried on me walk into town. Unfortunately I took a turn for the worse, and felt very dizzy, so called into the NHS Drop-in centre in town, who checked me over and called for an ambulance. At the hospital, the grim faced doctor said he could find nothing wrong with me, and churlishly sent me on me way.

The Second Attack

Shopping in Victoria centre, I as hobbling along nicely and received a blow from behind as the mobility scooter knocked into me.

I called out immediately to the driver, and heard his description of certain male bodily parts in answer.

The Third Attack

In Derby’s Eagle Centre. I was stood still, bent down sorting out the things in me shopping bag, walking stick on me arm.

Next thing me nose is touching the floor, as the gentleman in a Motorbility scooter knocked me over from behind, breaking me walking stick as he just carried on over it,  and disappeared!

The Fourth Attack

This took place in the Queens Medical hospital a few weeks ago.

I’d just arrived at the haematology dept for me weekly INR Warfarin level tests, and was near the ticket issue machine. A lady on a Motorbility scooter pulled up beside me. I asked her if she needed a ticket. She just replied “No I don’t”.

So I took one for myself, and moved over to the second row of seats, and was stood by the end of them, getting my paperwork out ready, and as propelled across the seats as she drove into them, and she carried on trying to accelerate for a while, I could feel the shuddering.

The staff in treatment room heard the commotion and came out as she had finally managed to free her scooter from me and the chairs, and drove off! The staff did an accident report for me. I went in for me tests, and they all had a good laugh about it.

L9 02I’d like to request you send me some limpet mines at a good price, so that next time I can try to disable the offending scooter long enough for me to… well..

I’ve just watched a DVD that me brother-in-law copied off the telly for me. About disability scooters, and the drivers not having to take a test or practise on them before going out on the roads to mangle Inchcock.

And it said the dangerous drivers of these mechanic accidents waiting to happen, do not have to have insurance either?

Tut!…

Grrr….

They’re not safe yer know!

Yours;

Juan Inchcock

Nervous Lane

Gottanewticknow

Ward 19

Nottingham’s Queens Medical Centre

Inchy Today: Monday 4th Aug 2014

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

 

Up after another nasty nightmare filled night at about 0430hrs.

Morrison’s delivery expT Dvdected this morning twixt 0700 and 0800hrs.

BT internet playing up again.

Made cuppa, took medications.

Searched for the DVD I ordered three weeks ago from HMV, and collected last Friday. ‘The Big Job’. Sid James, Dick Emery, Jim Dale, a good old comedy. Tried to watch it last night, but HMV had left the security thingy on it, so I wanted to put in bag now, so I could return it and get em to remove it. But couldn’t find it – Tsk!

BT internet connection crap, now gone all together (0525hrs)

Got laundry things ready for after delivery of nosh.

BT back on-line 0550 hrs. Nice of em innit?

BT back OFF-LINE 0556 hrs. Reset box again… Gits!

BT back on-line 0600 hrs.

BT back OFF-LINE 0601 hrs.

BT back on-line 0604 hrs.

I lost connection between 0550hrs and 0620 hrs about eight/nine times! Grrrr, had to keep resetting or rebooting. Gave up.

Anyone else on BT, How’s your connection today?

Morrison’s delivered at 0734 hrs. Put the stuff away. (Well, some of it).

0800 hrs, ablutions and got launderette togs ready, so much to take I could hardly carry em.

On the way to the launderette, an amoeba belted passed me on a pushbike un frit me half to death, almost hit me. I called out, and soon learnt he was an experienced driver by the finger sign he gave me as he disappeared into the distance, bless him!

 At the launderette, I had a good laugh with the gal there, and we tried to do a crossword. Cheered me up that did.

Back to the hovel, put togs away (Well, dropped the bags upstairs), and did another search for the DVD – and wallah; I found it. Where you might ask… er… in the bath actually, don’t ask why it was there, I don’t know.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERATook an apple and pack of seaweed and other healthy food to eat on me walk into town. Must remember to take the DVD back to be opened.

Called on me way, to tell… oh I forget her name now, the laundry gal that I’d found the DVD. She did laugh… bless her.

Hobbling into town, halfway up the hill on Mansfield Road near the cemetery, blow me if someone else didn’t belt passed me on a bike on the pavement, nearly knocking me over. I’m getting fed up with these near misses from bikers.

Went into Tesco and got me Krakowska meat. Then limped into the slab square, took a photo of the disgusting children’s fountain and paddling pool. Dumped at the end of it, were beer cans and bottles, cigarette ends, sweet wrappers, crisp packets etc.

Proceeded, (I could have written carried on to, or Then, but I like typing Proceeded) along to the bank to extract some money and get me balance (Oh dear me).

Then took a walk to Aldi, and got some of their excellent Lemon cheesecakes and Porridge pots (what Lidl have stopped selling).

T bikeFeet and knees on bad shape now, so wandered to the bus stop, and caught one back to Beirut… I mean Carrington. As I got off the bus, a bloody motorcyclist this time, nearly hit me, as he drove on the pavement to the chip shop! I bravely took his photo from behind him.

I tottered back to the dump, and made a nice cup of Punjana tea bags. They are very good and strong, and they’re on offer at the moment at Morrison’s too, 49p off.

Started the laptop, and the BT connection was okay, perhaps they think I’m still in town?

1500 hrs BT connection down… Tsk! Back up 1509 hrs.

Started to do graphics for Letters to LOMM 8

Gang of about eight youths swaggering up the centre of the street. Hope they keep moving.

Getting on with graphics.

Yobs lurking outside again, going to go upstairs out of the way.

I’ll post this and try to remember to carry on the next from this time.

Must remember to take me medications up with me.

TTFN all.