Dear Auntie,

Wilhelmina and Inchcock

I’ve still not got over the best put-down line offered to me from a member of the opposite sex, to date. (And there has been hundreds over the years).

I was working at Tesco at the time, and this new girl Wilhelmina had started there, and she soon got my heart, foibles and desires all of a flutter.

Eventually I plucked up enough courage to offer to take her on a date, to the pictures (to the Elite cinema) in Nottingham.

Her response, hit me hard, and I’ve never forgotten how she leant her head to one side, adopted a radiant sympathetic smile, and looked  down at me and said: “No thanks titch, I only date men!”

As it came over, I was uncertain if she was referring to my height or length. Although I agree, both measurements are extremely short, incommensurate, and remarkably insufficient.

I feel I am not responsible for either of these miniscule measurements. Can’t understand it, my Dad was more than well equipped.

It isn’t fair!

Dr Gropeworthy

I once visited a psychologist, a Dr Damien Gropeworthy for help with my phobia. He just said “It is a darling little thing that should be cherished and massaged regularly.”

I didn’t go back to see him again.

But you can see my problem… can’t you? (Well not see my shortage as such, but the difficulties it presents to me).

Any good advice would be welcome, as I have a date next week, and need to be prepared you see.

Yours: Juan Inchcock Chambers

Grane plot 34 (Next to the fire bombed police car) The Nottingham Ex Gas Lamp Lighters Benefit Support Association Accommodation, Central Cemetery, Nottingham.