11 | August | 2014 | Inchie Today

We’re a bit worried about Inchy today folks. He seems in a reasonable mood. Never mind, something is bound to bring him back down to earth with a bump. Talking of bumps, he had the one near his.. on his.. the one that appeared last month. The clinic surgically removed it last week, but he didn’t tell you about it because he was a bit embarrassed do you see. Well… the last few days really, nowt exciting enough to write about yer see…

Saturday 9^th August

Oh, dear, WC visits throughout the night.

Woke up 0510hrs with cramps and fears from the nightmares I’d had..

Trundled down and put laptop on, then kettle on, then made cuppa and porridge, then took me medications… then waited for the laptop to finish booting up! Oh dear, I’m lost without me internet yer know.

Had to reboot laptop again, to get the internet going and letting me load wordpress with top bar on screen. By now, me cuppa and porridge were cold, so made another brew… While pouring it out, I had a dizzy spell, and managed to pour boiling water over me fingers. Applied water then olive oil to the tender red patches on me digits… oh, I think I swore a bit as well.

Posted Inchcock Today’s, then worked on graphics for another post.

Spent the whole day internetting on blogs and making graphics, it were grand it were.

Come early evening, I was drained mentally. (Poor old devil/thing).

Sunday 10^th August

Up at 0430hrs. WC.

Laptop booted, kettle on, medications taken, WC, bowl of Grape-nut Flakes… then waited a further few minutes for the laptop to finish loading. I’m gerrin’ worried the old gal is about to conk-out… oh, lost without me internet yer know. Mind you, I might beat her to it yet.

Storms, rain and hibernation wus the order of things today.

Got no-end of blogging done again.

Monday 11^th August

Up at 0400hrs, WC. (Bit of blood) A new twinge today to join me compilation of complications – stomach ache (Not the ulcer or reflux valve this time).

Laptop started.

WC visit, had to change me bandage.

Down, made a cuppa and took me medications.

Finally got me graphics finished for me ‘Inchcock’s Tips/Advice for those Approaching Old Age’ post, by gum it took ages.

I’ve been having a few more dizzy spells recently, and last night, I forgot to take me medications – this morning, no dizzies at all? Perhaps this is indicationistcal that one of me night medications might have been causing the problem – but which one? (See what a keen diagnostic mind I have today?)

Went up and dun me teggies, washed me tootsies, had a good shave, washed me horrendous torso, applied me Dermatological cream in the require places, changed me bandage, applied me ear-hole spray and took me midday medications.

Another cuppa, and I set off for the hospital. Got the bus today to town, then out to the QMC.

I wus seen to quickly, and out in half an hour or so. (No prodding or groping today – Drat!)

It wus piss.. pouring down when I got out, so instead of walking to town, I caught the bus there.

I remembered I wanted to have a look in the library for a book what Antony Beever had used for reference hen he wrote ‘Stalingrad’.

It was called ‘They Never Came Back’ by Siegfried Muhler. I hobbled up three flights of stairs and asked at the desk. The nice lady eventually told me it might be out of print. I should try a book store. So I did.

First I limped to Wesley Owen Books & Music, on Castle Gate. No luck.

Then to Waterstone’s on Bridlesmith Gate. They think it’s out of print.

Then WHSmith in Victoria Centre. No luck.

Along I staggered to Mary & Tony’s Books also in Victoria Centre – the nice lady there said she may be able to get me a copy in Romanian if I wanted?

I gave up.

Pottered around the City Centre a bit, and took a photo of the Council House – and very nearly copped it again with a Disabled Scooter nearly hitting me as I took the photo! Tsk!

Then into Tesco and got some Wholemeal bread wraps and a pack of Hunter’s sausage, and Torunska sauage. Then, after I’d paid the very weary looking chap on the checkout for them, I remembered I’d ordered a pack of Silesian sausage for delivery from Morrison’s. Well, at least I won’t have to buy any meat for the rest of the week, or even longer.

I wandered gingerly up to the bus stop, and caught the bus back to the hovel.

As I dropped off the bus, I remembered I’d not made an appointment for next week with the hospital. Ah well, it’ll give me run out another day.

I got in.

Got the laptop on, and updated this tosh.

I did some graphics in readiness for later blogs.

Went up and changed me shoes fer me slippers – the stubbed me toes on the way down stairs.

Hey-ho…

Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age

Inchcock, just before his last arrest

This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.

Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!

Things wot you will miss and why!

You Will Miss:

Kicking the cat.

The Reason/Why:

She’s just too quick for you nowadays!

You Will Miss:

Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.

The Reason/Why:

Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?

You Will Miss:

Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.

The Reason/Why:

They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!

You Will Miss:

On the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!

The Reason/Why:

Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!

You Will Miss:

The attention of the opposite sex!

The Reason/Why:

Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?

You Will Miss:

Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!

The Reason/Why:

It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!

You Will Miss:

Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.

The Reason/Why:

No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!

You Will Miss:

Making financial donations without flinching!

The Reason/Why:

Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!

You Will Miss:

The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!

The Reason/Why:

The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!

You Will Miss:

Taking a drive out in the countryside.

The Reason/Why:

They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.

You Will Miss:

The odd Politician you could believe.

The Reason/Why:

They no longer exist!

You Will Miss:

Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.

The Reason/Why:

There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?

You Will Miss:

The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!

The Reason/Why:

So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.

You Will Miss:

Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.

The Reason/Why:

You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.

You Will Miss: