Inchcock’s Letter to Agony Aunt: 01

Dear Auntie,

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Wilhelmina and Inchcock

I’ve still not got over the best put-down line offered to me from a member of the opposite sex, to date. (And there has been hundreds over the years).

I was working at Tesco at the time, and this new girl Wilhelmina had started there, and she soon got my heart, foibles and desires all of a flutter.

Eventually I plucked up enough courage to offer to take her on a date, to the pictures (to the Elite cinema) in Nottingham.

Her response, hit me hard, and I’ve never forgotten how she leant her head to one side, adopted a radiant sympathetic smile, and looked  down at me and said: “No thanks titch, I only date men!”

As it came over, I was uncertain if she was referring to my height or length. Although I agree, both measurements are extremely short, incommensurate, and remarkably insufficient.

I feel I am not responsible for either of these miniscule measurements. Can’t understand it, my Dad was more than well equipped.

It isn’t fair!

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Dr Gropeworthy

I once visited a psychologist, a Dr Damien Gropeworthy for help with my phobia. He just said “It is a darling little thing that should be cherished and massaged regularly.”

I didn’t go back to see him again.

But you can see my problem… can’t you? (Well not see my shortage as such, but the difficulties it presents to me).

Any good advice would be welcome, as I have a date next week, and need to be prepared you see.

Yours: Juan Inchcock Chambers

Grane plot 34 (Next to the fire bombed police car) The Nottingham Ex Gas Lamp Lighters Benefit Support Association Accommodation, Central Cemetery, Nottingham.

Inchy’s Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: City to the Castle

From the City Centre – to Nottingham Castle

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Inchy, on one of his better days

Our local historian, guide, agniologist and doddery pensioner Juan Inchcock takes you along the route, describing what we sees now, and what was there in his youth and before. A Nottingham born Lad of a gentle nature, uneducated, insanitary, and in ill health, he’s been reporting on Nottingham for many years. He’s currently the top unpaid journalist for WordPress.com. and a founder member of the ‘Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, and offers half of all the money that he doesn’t earn to support to the ‘Bring Back the Death Penalty for Politician’s – Senile Diplegic Supporters Division, Nottingham Branch’, as Secretary to the branches cleaning operatives third cousin.

The comparisons depict the changing face of life for Nottinghamians’.

Nottingham City Centre

1863:

We stand in the market-place amidst the horse and carts of the traders, opposite the Soup kitchens.

1963:

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Bill Fury, one of my all time favourites, along with Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, Adam Faith, The Shadows, Acker Bilk… I’d better stop or I’ll not have any room left!

We stand at the taxi rank, opposite the McFisheries supermarket. Billy Fury, Elvis, Adam Faith and the new group theBeatles records on sale at Griffin and Spalding store.

2014:

We stand on the new tram lines on South Parade, opposite the bank raided by armed robbers last July, the Pay-Day loan shop, and the Fountains provided for our children to play and urinate in, and the three Coffee Houses.

 

Friar Lane (bottom)

1863:

On the corner on our left, is the Mikado Cafe, tea or coffee costing 1/8th of a penny. (Farthing) 0.005p)

1963:

On the corner on our left, is The Friary Cafe, tea or coffee 3d (1¼p) Toby’s department store, and Burton’s Tailors next to Wimpey Cafe/Bar.

2014:

On the corner on our left, is Starbucks cafe, (looted in the 2010 Nottingham riots), tea £1.20 coffee up to £3.39. Where a few years ago I was responding to an alarm call, and got booked my a traffic warden.

Friar Lane (Way up on the left)

1863:

No buildings at all by the lane, which was almost a very wide pathway then.

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She earned more in a month as a part-time Barclay’s ‘Advisor’, than I did in a year! Didn’t bother me though… oh no!

1963:

A sweetshop, Hambro’s Bank (went defunct in 1988), no Conservative minister investors to save them then, like William Hague to ensure his wife’s income from her part-time job as a Barclay’s bank advisor remained profitable, like in 2010, an old peoples help centre (conveniently positions at the top of the hill).. oh dear, now closed down, and an Indian restaurant.

2014:

A cobblers, hairdressers, empty Co-op bank building, and a Charity Shop, Chinese Food shop, and Pay-Day Loan crooks shop.

Friar Lane (Way up on the right)

 

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Many beautiful designs of Fothergill’s in Nottingham have destroyed by our wonderful Nottingham City Council. This one survived, but is unoccupied.

1863:

Some magnificent houses of the rich, designed by William Fothergill, gargoyles included.

1963:

The grand Toby’s Department Store (Vernon House). Went Bankrupt a few years later.

2014:

A Charity shop, the Citi Restaurant (Beer from £2.99 per bottle), and a newsagents.

Friar Lane (Junction of Derby Road) Corner one on the left:

1863:

This area was (apart from a footpath forged through it) all wasteland, with lookout posts from the military based at the Castle.

1963:

A cafe (cannot remember the name, possibly Maid Marion Cafe. Fish & Chips 1/10d (9p)

2014:

Indian Resturant Fish and Chips £7.99.

Corner One on the right:

1863:

Wasteland

1963:

Newspaper shop – Evening Post 1d (¼p)

2014:

Newspaper shop – Evening Post 50p weekdays, 60p Saturdays.

Corner Three on the left:

1863:

Lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.

1963:

Derelict lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.

2014:

Abandoned office block.

Corner four on the right

1863:

Wasteland

1963:

Tesco supermarket (purchased from Elmo supermarkets)

2014:

Abandoned Robin Hood Centre (torched in the Nottingham Riots 2010).

Friar Lane (Top end right)

1863:

Stables for the cavalry based at Nottingham Castle.

1963:

Travel Agents, Wimpey’s snack bar, and ice cream shop.

2014:

Row of abandoned businesses, charity shop, and a night shelter for street dwellers.

Friar Lane (Top end left)

1863:

Residential premises.

1963:

Residential and now offices built.

2014:

Abandoned offices.

Nottingham Castle Entrance

1863:

Near main gates: Horse-guard’s Cavalry Stables and arsenal. No admittance to the citizenry.

1963:

WalksFriar004Near main gates: Ice-cream vendor, flower seller, and Boy Scout hut. Robin Hood statue and car park. Admission free.

2014:

Near main gates: Graffiti ridden Robin Hood statue cleaned up, CCTV cameras, No parking sign, Admission fee £6.50.

More Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham to follow