INCHY: Monday 11th September 2023

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Thanks to Liberty-Global Virgin Media for letting me down so often yet again. Not so often, actually, but in total, I had no internet for over 4-hours! Cocked up all my plans.
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Where can I start? What few words will satisfactorily cover today’s disastrous, frustrating, farcical, pathetic, depressing, failure-filled, up for 26hrs of trying to catch up… Oh yes, they’ll do!

What a difference in yesterday’s & today’s nocturnal colouring of the wee-wee! 

I see this as a danger sign that they threatened and been warned that, a permanent catheter would be put in, shortly? It’s been a long time now since I’ve been taking Finasteride prostate-reducing tablets. It must be 3 months by then? Remember when I first had the catheter fitted? All the blood in the bags. I found this photograph on file from December 22.

It took them from my getting into hospital when the deep red blood started to flow. After three visits to the QMC hospital, I was kept in again. During this, over two days, the catheter was put in and taken out, then back in, then out, at least eight times. Oh, the pain! I got to learn the sounds of other patients having theirs out and in again; because it was the same sort of Arrgh!, that I was making each time. Humph!

Then I was transferred to the City Hospital. Where the frequency over three days of the agonising tube going in repeatedly, was twice as often as at the QMC!

Next, a visit to a Specialist in Sherwood Hospital. Eight outpatient visits to the City Hospital Urology, to be told they are not sure what caused it in the first place. The last time I met any Doctor about the problem, was at the Private Hospital. That turned out to be an eight-minute talk, and I was told he was going to advise my GP to start me on Finasteride but must take it for two months, which hopefully, potentially may reduce the size of my Prostate and allow the flow of voluntary urine flow to begin again. Nurses arrived to put the new type of catheter cruelly in Little Inchie Hehehe! Four months later, of my taking Finasteride, the nurses returned and took out the catheter, calling back two days later, and they checked with the scanner how much urine was in the bladder after I rid as much as I could to the WC. One of the nurses said the bladder was still a third full. So, back in went the catheter again!
Supposedly for another two months, of Finasteride taking. That was four months ago. I’ve had the Catheter contraption taken out and straight back in twice more times, but no sign of me being allowed to try to manually wee-wee again?
I lost the plot there, didn’t I?  It’s the getting darker urine in the bag that’s got me going. They didn’t know or didn’t tell me, apart from ‘Some Infection’, the cause of this nearly a year ago started blood from the bladder.
Back to today… Well, yesterday, it was already 04:00hrs, and this is as far as I’ve got with this blog; waffling does not help, and boy, am I tired. Have to cut corners, Sorry. (But I ended up bogging, spitting and passing wind all night long, blogging instead)

After taking the nocturnal pouch from the day bag, I tackled the waste bin assembly.
Placed them near the door.

I took a snap of the extremely blue views from the kitchenette window.

Then the ablutions were tackled. Not a good session. Stubbed a toe, and spilt the washing bowl all over the floor, picking up after standing in it to clean the feet. The teeth were bleeding, just two cuts shaving. The feet, or rather toes, seemed to be getting larger areas of apparent bloodlessness?.

Another change in the Evacuated Produce in the WC. Can’t understand this. I mentioned these variations to the Doctor, but, either she wasn’t interested, didn’t hear me, or, I meant to mention it but forgot to? Spent ages cleaning up.
Hristina, my sweet DVT, INR phlebotomist nurse, arrived to take some more blood ♥♥♥. Lovely to see her. The INR level, was at 2.9 last time, so I may not see her again next week. Boo!
As the internet went down again, Carer Richard arrived. He looked and sounded a little better this week, I’m glad to report. Nice chap.
As he left, the Ocado order arrived.


The driver carried the bags through to the kitchen for me. Thanked him, and offered him a nibble or drink in thanks, but he declined.
I’d got Tonic Water, instead of Soda Water, but that’s no bother. Lavender Dettol for washing the tenderer areas washing. The seaweed arrived. Ans some biscuits made by LU to try, which I did, but they were not to my liking, too hard and sweet for me and the few teggies I’ve got left. Tsk! I gave them to the next carer, as he tried one and liked it. The batter scraps arrived, too, I intended to have some of these later. The fresh Kenyan peas were a treat to have as well! Aha, a soft biscuit, I see! Jolly good for me!
I didn’t get the bananas, but have one left. I think I may have ordered some from Asda?
After working on and off on the blog for some fours… The Mammoth Blackout, from you know who…
IT WAS OFF FOR 4.5hrs!
I spent a long time trying to sort it before I started watching the time. .Nothing seemed to work. Wi-Fi swapping and that didn’t help either. Reset, reboot, I closed down everything completely, and that failed.
All shut off again, restarted the crap Liberty-Global Virgin Media box, gave it a reboot and sat waiting.
Another do-no-good idea. At one point, the service did return, but lasted only a few seconds; this repeated several times. Most frustrating. I had to give up and reset the box again, leaving restarting while I got an early nosh sorted out.
Made a mess cooking this meal, a right one! I actually wrote the timing down after I worked out what was needed in order. The potatoes were left over in the crock pot from last night… well the early hours of this morning, I was having them cold. Only the pretend fish, peas and fish batter to heat up in the oven for just two minutes. I’m looking forward to these; I’ve not had any for months. The fish in the air-fryer needed 20 minutes, the peas a few minutes to just heat up in the saucepan, tomatoes soy sticks tomatoes and beetroot no cooking needed. When I laid out the plate, there seemed to be a gap?
I got the cooking utensils, washed up straight away. Then got seated and tucked into the meal. I was about 90% of the way through eating it… and suddenly remembered I’d left the batter bits in the oven! I foolishly rushed to the kitchen, and grabbed the bits tipping them on the nearly finished meal tray.
Of course, they were burnt to buggery! What a Plonka! No internet, burnt meal what next? Although you can’t see it in the picture on the right, it was belting down with rain. Not that that bothered me. I was just hoping to get the computer internet working again. The two Carers who called were amazed to me not on the computer!.
Interesting shot here on the left. Why I snapped my fingers? No doubt I hadn’t meant to, surely? Hehehe!
I took a shot of the sky while waiting for the damned, blasted Liberty-Global Oligarchs box to reset yet again. A highly Pareidoliaiable Picture this one!.
(Incidentally, it is now 05:50hrs on Tuesday) .
Carer Benjamin called earlier on the last visit of the day. I took this photo then but only just got around to getting it from the SD card. I sent him a copy by email.

Not that I can get much sleep, cause the Carer is calling in 2-2.5 hours. But I can go on no further. Busy day tomorrow, I’ve got to have a battle with the internet again, I may cry!
The Asda delivery is due. The DVT and FAlls Team Sarah… ‘Might’ be calling, and the spare room needs clearing. I still need help with arranging the flu jab at the chemist. I may be back… or not!
Overnight shot of the open balcony doors and the TV I watched when you know who’s internet went on strike again! I viewed a ‘Something Inside Me’ programme and took a few photos as I did so.
I put these on Tuesday’s blog, and got two hours sleep, then started to do that.

Mentally Shattered – But EQ was here, telling me things were going to get much worse. He was right!

Inchy’s WP Prompt 2020 Reply: 30 Things that make me happy!

1) Waking up alive!
Although this is often ignored when waking up with some of my ailments giving me some stick. Finding the catheter has been leaking again! , or I was in the middle of a, and on my way to the floor, as I slip from the clutches of the c1966, £300 charity shop bought, second-hand, wincingly grotty, beige coloured, not working, crumb-covered from the nocturnal nibblings, itch-making, uncomfortable, virus breeding, easy-to-fall-out-of, recliner.
2) The rare times when I can get to sleep – without it being purgatory from the
Excellent when these leave me alone!

3) Waking up without a rattlingly vicious attack by
More often than not, resulting in another toppling out of the c1966, £300 pound, second-hand charity-shop bought, crumb-containing, odour-retaining, Harold’s Haemorrhoid-testing, nauseatingly beige coloured, non-working, virus-breeding recliner.

4) Not leaving the taps (faucets) running.
Floods, hot water running cold, hours spent cleaning up the mess. The Water-Alarm goes off, informing the Nottingham City Homes Monitoring Control, who ring me on the alarm panel box in the front room, but I cannot hear what they are saying, as I am in the wet room or kitchen at the time cleaning up. Then I go into the front room to inform them of my Accifauxpa and that I’m dealing with it.

5) When Shaving Goes Well!
I think the average cuts acquired when shaving would average around 4. I’m as bald as a badger on my head, yet hair grows behind my ear holes and neck?

6) Any Day When I Don’t Take a Tumble.
I have acquired a habit lately of bashing my head on the way down. Usually on the sharp corner of a counter or ledge. With the odd few that have left me unconscious. The last one, when the leg lost all neurotransmitters sensation, I twisted and landed on my back – not sure if I blanked out for a few seconds… As I regained a modicum of reality, the Nottingham Home Alarm Monitor Control lady talked to me over the alarm box. Her voice sounded slightly panicky, and communication was even worse this time. As I could not get back up, so I had a chance to hear what she was saying clearly. The leg had blown up to tree-trunk size, the pain too much at that time for me to try to get up, and the lady told me she was ringing for an ambulance for me. Over four hours later, the lady checked on me again. Then I made a massive pain-bearing effort as the leg was going down a little; I crawled slowly to the £300, second-hand, musty, Haemorrhoid Harold Testing, cringingly beige, crumb-covered, not-working, rickety recliner, and used it get myself up on my feet! The lady cancelled the ambulance. I got carried away there a bit… Sorry!

7) Any Day When Does Not Go Down
But, this, of course, is an impossibility!
The last day when this miracle of the none-failure was many months ago. Since then the
have had a 100% daily failure rating.
Today, they cocked it up five times in 2 hours!

8) Any Day When I do not have a.

9) When I prepare a meal without an Accifauxpa

The tin opener is the biggest offender.
Closely followed by the steak knife and scissors.
cut finger

10) When I Don’t Fall getting on or off a Bus.
Off course, this will include tripping up or down steps and misjudging the distance from hard objects, like door frames, walls, cabinets, lift doors, and in-store

11) When I Don’t take a Fall in the Shower
GC showerNaturally, these events usually are down to one of these…
falling down.

12) When The Health Checks Turn-Out Normal!
But, a rare event!

13) When The Urine Checks are Good!

14) When The Ear Holes Don’t Bleed
Like the photo above, sometimes caused by a shaving behind the lughole’s error. Occasionally at their own behest, for which I have had tests… blood all over my vest…

15) When I Win at Something
Which, of course, is one for the coming future,
I may win one day for blaspheming?
I’m reasonably good at banqueting,
Not cooking or preparing…
Just at eating!
There ought to be a competition for befuddling!
I’d be higher in that than middling!
Not for me, voluntary peeing!
I’m excellent at self-confusing,
But I need the catheter for piddling,
I’d win easily at self-battering!
Experienced in chitchatting, complicating, & contradicting,
Is that a victory, my stopping smoking?
Or even my going tea-totalling?
I’m pretty good at jesting…
Also, at failing, falling, fumbling and flailing?
My failures I should be defenestrating…
But I’ll still be worrying whilst waiting!

16) When I Pass Wind Without Escapages!
They usually come out smelling atrocious…
Often the farts emitted can be exhaustless,
The accompanying wind was almost blizzardous!
The results for the protection pants are calumnious!
I have to spray the room with citreous,
The bleeding can look rather dangerous,
That’ll be from the piles and things furunculous,
Mostly the results are not injurious.
The noise it makes can be quite harmonious!

17) When I Go To See The Nurse...

18) When I’m Cooking…
Tomatoes, chips, peas & battered chicken,
I’m happily cooking in the kitchen,
If it comes out wrong, I’m heartbroken!
My spirits are so easy to dampen…
The kitchenette is my playpen…
I get it wrong again and again!
But when it’s good, I’m in heaven.
I eat so much, I am bedridden,
And depression is unforbidden!

19) Casting My Mind Back!
To my days with Grizelda ♥

20) Casting My Mind Back!
Further back to memories of Mother…

21) Casting My Mind Back!

Last week with Deanna.

22) Casting My Mind Back!
A nice gal  I met in the USA. I forget her name…

23) Casting My Mind Back!
Waiting for a job interview as Team Motivator to start.

24) Casting My Mind Back!.
Memories of my first car.

25) Casting My Mind Back!
My walk in the Royal Maze, Liverpool,
Took me five hours to get out; I did feel like a fool!

26) Casting My Mind Back!
GC tooth gumI was happy after I got the message through to me…
Note for Self: “Do Not Lick The Knife”!

27) Casting My Mind Back!
Happy memories of bath time – 1959, revisited in 1969!

28) Casting My Mind Back!
I just returned from the hospital after the six-week Nottingham Residential Home stay. And proudly made my first meal for me in well over three months… weeks. Burnt my hand on the oven shelf. Happily, I learned my
lesson. It was about three weeks before I did this again,


29) Casting My Mind Back!
Sister Jane escorted me back home after the cancer operation at the QMC Ward 19 operation, and I was released. I got given my notice the following week.

No, really, I was happy about it!

30) Casting My Mind Back!
Sister Jane & Hubby Pete had several kitties.
My personal Favourite is seen here, perusing my pension details.
My other favourite was Mr Phooy.
Both are long gone now. Sob!
But I loved them, and it brings happiness still
to see these photos of them ♥

21, 22, & 23:

In hopes of bringingeth a smile!

Prompt: What’s your definition of romantic?

What’s Inchies definition of romance?

Well, it’s difficult for me, you see…
Romance, for me, means anfractuosity.
I tried acting kindly and altruistically…

No girl would dance with me.
I’ve tried to find romance assiduously,
I lack the equipment, sadly…
Never acted with spite or belligerency,
But the girls were above my quality…
I don’t seek revelry or anarchy,
They thought of me as avuncularity,
It’s not been a voluntary abstinence…
Too late now; I need a catheter to pee!
Too old to get myself into a frenzy…
But of course, I’m a bourgeoisie,
I’ve no romantic traits discernibly…
I still wish some kind lady would adopt me!


My one true love, Grizelda, & Me!


Inchie: Wednesday 14th June 2023

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Not the worst of days, by a long chalk,
Although the stubbed made me squark,
Stuttering Stephanie, it was hard to talk,
I couldn’t get out for a walk…
Food delivery, but no borscht!
Had sausage late, vegan, not pork,
Got nothing done, and a cold I caught…
More groceries I very nearly bought…
Carer Kara stopped me; she’s a good sort,
As is Carer Richard, I have to report…
He returned my laundry; nothing short!

05:25hrs: The awakening: As I waited for the brain to kick-start, I fumbled about painfully; bending does me no good nowadays, attempting to get the night pouch off of . It took a while. Then it was off to the . Why I can’t understand but the water tank, after the ultra-messy evacuation, did nothing when ~I pressed the handle. It was empty? So, I used the buckets of water I’d left handy, filled it, and flushed it. Then I had to fetch buckets of water to refill it, and then even more in readiness for the next visit. was not happy about this. I must remember to thank Nottingham City Homes maintenance for the 15 weeks of agony I’ve waited for it to be repaired and the physical agony I’ve gone through. Oh, and of course, oligarch Fries and Liberty-Global Virgin Media for the mental agony it serves up every single day with outages. I’m fed up with recording them, but I assure you today I’ve had 14 of them, albeit short ones, but enough for me to lose work that could not be saved and have to repeat them. No wonder it is now 23:55hrs, and I am only just starting on this blog.
I’d like to ask them if they can help me… Haha!

I made the one mug of tea now allowed, and a text message came in. It was from Asda, and my delivery is on its way; We’ve had to make changes… one day; if I live long enough, and the country doesn’t go bankrupt, or a revolution takes place, I hope to get a delivery with nothing missing from Asda. Or Iceland, or Morrisons even.

I washed the containers and refilled them with biscuits and marshmallows.
Then realised I’d let the tea go cold. Not that I could have got it, cause the food arrived.
As I was about to put the things away, the Carer arrived; it was Kara. She listened to me telling her about the new eye drops and, got the medications served up, attached a new day pouch onto . Then put the eye drops in for me. She was in a rush but took the waste bag with her, bless her. Oh, she told me the Doctor had called her, and I am to continue taking the Finasteride tablets. She looks after me, & keeps me informed. ♥ But she still won’t adopt me as a grandfather. Hehehe!
I got on with storing the foodstuffs away. The chocolate biscuits with Galaxy chocolate on them were on offer again; they had gone up to £2.25 but were on sale at £1.59. This is half my first week’s wages when I started work in 1806, Hehe! 1960 it was, I think.
Opened a can of peas, and had to take the welt growths off of the small potatoes, and put them in the slow cooker. This was 13hrs ago, and they are still in there. It’s Busy here!
Domestic Denise arrived and moved some stuff into boxes into the spare room. Moped the wetroom, and then had a go at the kitchenette
I sneaked a photo of her moping the floor, but it didn’t come out well now the sunshine was blasting in through the window.

I dished the cold mug of tea and made another one. Very nice too. I don’t know how I’ve been so resilient in resisting drinking more… Ah, I might! It could be the bladder problem and having to drink three litres as a minimum of water every day. I had a few biscuits dunked and eaten.
By the belated time that I got onto the computer for the blog, within an hour oligarch Herr Fries, Liberty-Global Virgin Media had been down four times!
A record even for them. Mr Fries strikes again!

The urine began to flow proliferously. The fullest that this bag has ever been, and the best, healthiest-bladder rating too on the NHS grading card! Well pleased with this!
The landline flashed and came to life. It was the EENT department from the Queens Medical Centre. The lady explained that the agreed decision taken yesterday to post the new eye drops to me had been cancelled. The Doctor thought the need to use them urgently, and they are sending them by NHS transport to the flat. That’s kind!
They should be delivered tomorrow morning sometime. I thanked her, and as I stood to put the handset down, I gave myself the aforementioned . Getting down to stop the bleeding from the nail, three of my loveable ailments kicked off, , , and
. Then when I started sneezing and wheezing, the darned ankle ulcers and legs started jetting water out! For a few moments, the right ankle ulcer was bleeding, but that turned to water.
To say how much blood then, water escaped. They both stopped and dried up within a couple of minutes. What the heck was that for and about?

I did think the right ulcer was going to set off again half an hour later. I grabbed a tissue, and just this drop of liquid came out and no more?
Such are the mysteries of Woodthorpe Court, with the ghosts, wraiths, spectres, cacodaemons, apparitions, and other grotesqueries that haunt the hallways and lobbies, searching for Inchie to curse with bad luck, create ambiguities, abstrucities, perplexities, misfortunes and botherations, to scare, worry and confuse me! problems, . also. Nicolas Neurotransmitters, , and are ever-present too. There are others, of course! etc.

Took this shot from the kitchenette window when the evening Carer called. Medications and eye drops were issued. Had a little chin-wag of sorts. I forgot to mention the night bag.
Blow me, 10 minutes later Carer Richard arrived. He’s bought the laundry up for me as well.
He offered to put the night pouch on, IK thanked him but said that I’d put it on. As I am likely to be on the computer until the early hours of the morning, computering catching up on the blog that keeps going down, and the meal had been waiting for hours and hours will need serving up. Cooking while carrying a bag of urine on a long tube can be dangerous, I’ll see to it. 
Then I got back on the ever-going down internet.

At long last I go around to get myself a meal at around 02:40hrs.
I took this photo
As I was getting the meal ready. Gone 02:49 hours now!

Nipped back to find that was back online, and caught up as far as the item above. Saved things, then turned it all off.

Then back to serve up the nosh.
And very nice it was too!
Flavour rating; 8.6/10.

I’m about due a decent day…
That’s all I can say!


Saturday 29th April 2023

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Not an alackaday day!
Apart from the return of and , the day began well.
I mosied along with no stress for hours and hours.
Fair enough, making errors along the way.
Then Firefox kicked off with its confusing Properties analysis.
None that meant anything to me.
That was the low point of today.
Well, the worst low point.
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Several trips to the today, starting with the moment I stirred back into pretend-life from the evenings uncomfortable -filled, ever-waking, so-called sleep. Humph!
I’m still awaiting the arrival of a Nottingham City Homes plumber to mend the W.C.’s none refilling water tank. This Saturday, four or five visits and trudging the water bowls from the kitchen to the wet room, each bringing on and the current to the fore. Still, it gives me some exercise, I suppose. Shame about the pain, though. Been a few weeks now, I think, since I was told they had been notified. Annoyingly, the cold tap has stopped running now, as well.
I got some spuds in the slow cooker to do later.
Then the mammoth task – getting the done.
No shower, too early, the noise would disturb my neighbours who may be sleeping. I think the ablutioning took about two hours, counting the medicationalising.
A pretty morning sky out there this jolly morning?

Had a peep at the progress of the house being updated and extended.
It looked like a fair bit of work had been done since yesterday’s shot.
“Auf Wiedersehen Pet’..
I think! The fridge was looking sadly low on supplies? But I’ve got an Iceland order coming today… Well, I think I have… no I’m certain one is coming today… It is Saturday, isn’t it? I wish they would make it easier to remember somehow; then again, I’d still get confused if they did.

Time to get the computer on to start updating yesterday’s blog. Guess what?

It was still offline when I heard the tune coming from the doorbell.
The most kind deliveryman carried the bags through to the kitchen for me. Much appreciated, I gave him a choice of nibble treats in thanks.
Checked to see if Liberty-Global-owned Virgin Media had come back online yet… Hehehe! Nope!
So carried on putting the nosh away.
Only two items (four in count) for the freezer. I thought I’d ordered Vegan ice cream, but I got a twice-the-size Walls vanilla soft scoop. And ready vegan meals called shredded something with potatoes and sauce. I had one later on; not bad at all.
I’d stocked up with some Schweppes tonic water, vanilla-flavoured liquid ice cream and bleach. No, I won’t be drinking the bleach.
A final photographicalisation of the fridge, compared to the one before the delivery came, shows little difference in there? Did I miss something off?

I returned to the computer desk to find that Mr Fries had managed to get the signal back to Nottingham for me. Bless Him!

In case I forget later, the smoke & mirrors, mass money manipulation master [someone who draws attention away from often embarrassing or unpleasant figures or issues, distorts or blurs facts], figure-shuffling, slithery sidestepping, no idea how to run an effective Internet, Oligarchical gentleman, let his Virgin Media fail on three more occasions today. Huh! But I like him! How kind of him.

Visit two: And was even sloppier than the previous attendance.

I pressed on and finally got the Friday blog done; eleven hours after starting it! Then took a photo of the being upgraded house. Again! Seems I forgot I’d already done it.

No sooner had I scribbled this down on the notepad. It went down again!



Well, how surprising!

Crying and stamping my feet would have been an option. Along with gnashing teeth (although this was not a good idea, what with giving me stick)

I meandered into the kitchenette and took some pictures of the great dank, dark afternoon clouds.
So perfect for a pareidoliain such as myself. I had a feast of figure-finding in each of the frames.
Hahaha! Finding faces, animals, ghosts, icebergs, a finger, eyes, broomstick and testicles within. Other items as well.

Back on the computer.

Then, the computer proceeded to confuse me beyond limitations!

Why, what for was the reason?
What was going on?

I was entirely lost and thought this was the computer’s end. Or the  Firefox internet, at the very least!

A Dracular depression, with a dread of fear and frustration, dawned.

After trying to find out what I could do, I got an option to reinstall the browser that came up on the screen.

Not the foggiest idea of which choices to go for; Reinstall, Repair or the other one, which I cannot remember.

I opted to reinstall, then got this message up. I clicked on next, and the internet disappeared from the screen after some flashing.
Totally lost now?.
So, I gave up and turned off the computer, left it a few minutes, and tried to open it again, which it did… But all the icons, tabs, etc., were missing! And, when I tried to finish the CorelDrawing, the mousse was doing the oddest of things. I clicked on a single object, and tons of them were selected, but I could not drag or move them. Couldn’t close anything down.
Turned it off at the plug, fingers crossed.

Got the ready meal made and spuds sliced and on the plate.
acci-whoop The cut finger didn’t bleed too much.
acci-whoop The dropped and broken pot of lemon mousse missed my foot as it fell to the kitchen floor and burst open. And hitting my head on the corner of the counter when bending down to pick it up… well, that hurt a bit!

Enjoyed the evening view of the dank sky with its pretty white clouds, which surprised me.

Aha, fodder time. This is the rather drab-looking ready meal with some BBQ sauce and the last of the crocked-pot-cooked-for-too-long potatoes, Desiree. A pot of lemon mousse and a hungry Inchie to eat it. And jolly-nice it was, too!   Taste: 7.8/10.

The night sky was pictured a couple of times while I was washing up.

The evening Carer arrived. Medications were issued, and a little nattering session was enjoyed. I mentioned the browser problems and turned it back on to show her… to my utter amazement, everything missing earlier had returned to the screen?

I was too tired to do any more blogging, so I turned it off and promptly .
The last Carer woke me up. Medications were sorted out, and a minute or two of chinwagging was significantly favoured.
Said my farewells and thanks and took this photographicalisation through the kitchen window of the night’s heavy rain.

Then settled into the second-hand, £300, charity shop bought, crumb-retaining, microorganism-microbe producing, grungy, moth-eaten, beige-coloured, non-working, bacillus-encouraging, incommodious, Haemorrhoid Harold testing, c1968 recliner, in search of Sweet Morpheus.
He was not easy to find or keep when I eventually found him!

May your fortunes ferment with festivities!

Tips & Advice – Part 5¾ – In Bad Ode

Related In Chronically Bad Ode

Today’s Tips & Advice topics for Whippersnappers are drawn from the long list of Whoopsiedangleplops and Accifauxpas suffered by Inchcock over the many depressing, failed years. In the hopes that the Whippersnappers will be better prepared for the coming of old age, senility, loneliness and thus: Thus at least giving them a chance to get things right. They can welcome death when it arrives and will make their passing a sweeter thing, as they gladly escape the moralless, debauched, cruel world. My pleasure!

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When I learned what Mother said when I was born,
To the midwife, was ‘I don’t want it, throw it in the Trent’!
I showed no bitterness, no scorn…
Although it was a bit of a rent…
I just carried on, not forlorn?
Although young, you must try to find out what she meant!

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The Mysterious Auntie Kerry

When a previously unheard off Auntie Kerry,
She was attentive, a massager and maternalistic,
Came to bath me, she smelt of sherry,
She spoke proper English, seemed aristocratic,
She was gentle with me, bar the occasional battery…
Bath time with her was a pleasure, never dramatic,
But this always left me contented and merry…
I think when she’d leave, I’d turned lovesick?
Aunt Kelly was touchy-touchy and charismatic,
I was heartbroken when she stopped coming, oh, very!

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Never approach a horse from behind,
When it’s wearing blinkers…
Cause you may well find…
You could get a kick in the knackers!

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Please wear a face mask still,
When out and about in buses and shops,
Help stop others from getting ill,
It would be appreciated if you will!

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Or not?

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For the sake of clarity, rhyming will be suspended for this, most important of Advice & Tips, on the aged and disabled old codgers dangers and problems with the Porcelain Throne activities; That the Whippersnappers may not yet be aware of, that are on their way.

Getting To The Throne On Time:

Important: Any early warning signs of evacuations being needed mustn’t be ignored. Never, and I mean Never, delay your journey to the toilet!
Fair enough, I do seem to get wildly varying modes of evacuations – rock-solid half-hour minimum ones and squirty, almost liquid efforts. Be prepared for either!
The days of “I’ll just finish this then get off to the bog” will end on your first Accifauxpas en route! Believe me, this will come!

Consistently distribute your walking sticks – I have one in the hallway near the flat door, the kitchen, front room, and main room. This will be priceless when needed – and they will be! I also have picker-uppers in the kitchen, main room and wet room.

Also, the availability of disinfectants is advised; I have Dettol and Zoflora Lemon in all three rooms, along with fresh air spray. Because you will never know when an escapage of blood, poo-poo or urine will occur. These events will cause self-embarrassment, frustration and cost you so much pain and time to clean up and medicate; each time, you will get little else done that day! So, another essentiality is a good supply of protection pants at all times.

Below is my current stock of PPs in the wet room. The Tena ones are a little bulky and are bound to show through the trousers when I go out without a long jumper on. Embarrassment Scale ‘A’.

However, I have found some PPs named Depend, bought them from Amazon. They are a lot cheaper than the Tena. At first, I was not impressed; they are less bulky, thinner than the expensive ones. I believed that they would not cope with a decent leakage. I thought that Blood from Little Inchies fungal lesion, a urine blast, or heaven forbid, a solid evacuation from the rear, would not be containable. Good news. Well, not that I had the urine and bleeding leak from Little Inchie in itself, but how well the Dependable pants coped with it all. I was well-pleased with ’em!

Just another warning about crap products in the Protection Pants department; Avoid Morrisons Comfort Pants at all costs! Firstly they are not comfortable in the slightest! And are not fit for purpose. I had a minor leakage of blood from the fungal lesion a month ago, when I was wearing a pair of these pants, ended up with blood on my legs and knees, and had to scrap the trousers!

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A Final Tip!

When in hospital after having a stroke (which the NHS assures us will happen to 3.3 out of every 5 people in the UK), and you get a leg ulcer to come up on your ankle – don’t fret!

Mine is already beginning to ease and after only three years.

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Part of the Inchcock Make ‘Em Laugh, – In Ode Series

Inchcocks Ode In Memory Of Grizelda ♥

Sunday 7th November 2021

My thought drifted to back, Grizelda, so jovial,
She was tall, hairy, and rampantly ever-sexual…
Her visit to England was most beneficial,
To me, although at times it was ethereal…
I even thought of things matrimonial,
Her sex appeal oozed from her, unanalysable,
She was forceful, but not unsurmountable,
Many would call Grizelda gladiatorial…
I’d call her, thank heavens, indefatigable!

Part Of The Nottingham Lads Make Them Laugh Ode Series

Poetical Advice on the Ageing Process

Poetical Advice on the Ageing Process


Tripping, falling, slipping, dizzy-spells or funny turns

Any one of these, and others can have you over, young ones must learn,

Whatever you are doing, the time will come

When you’ll end unexpectedly on your bum!

And, I assure you it’ll painfull, not numb!


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As an aid to remind the young, unprepared whipper-snappers of the dangers wot they are certain to face, I’ve wrote them this little ditty:

To the tune of:

“It’s a long way to Tipperary”

It’s a long way to Topple-over,
It’s a long way to go,
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
My knees won’t let me up I know,
Goodbye, Being Healthy,
Farewell, teeth and hair!
It’s a long, long way to Topple-over,
Old age isn’t Fair!

It’s a long way to Topple-over,
It’s a long way below,
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
Despite you’re best endeavour,
Goodbye, being healthy,
Farewell, teeth and hair!
It’s a long, long way to Topple-over,
Get back up if you dare!

Published in support of the Japanese Vick Inhaler Population in need.

In Japan, over-the-counter allergy/sinus medications that contain

the ingredient pseudoephedrine such as Vicks inhalers and

Sudafed are banned under Japan’s strict anti-stimulant drug laws.

Part 2: My Beloved Grizelda – Bringing her home

02 GrizGiselda was about 5’11” tall, around 15 stone (solid with it), lovely black hair, gorgeous wide hips, tree trunk legs that I instantly wanted to wrap myself around for a month or so. I went where no man had gone before… and boy was it good, did I enjoy it or what!

Part Two – Taking her home…

I was getting myself ready to go and pick up Grizelda, as arranged, from the cottage she was staying in for her visit to England to visit her pen friend and my mate’s wife Susan.

As I was shaving, I was already getting palpitations from certain regions of my anatomy, at the very thought of once more gaining access to Grizelda’s foibles and bodily parts. I came out of dream I was in, and thought I’d better give her a ring to make sure all was still on as planned.

Surprisingly when I called, Susan said Grizelda was shaving too.

She passed on the message that she would meet me at the garden gate at 1100hrs.

I arrived, and as I saw her smile break out above that muscular body, I had to control my legs on the clutch.

I got out to meet her, and she picked me up gave me a wonderful slobbering kiss, put me down, and briefly cuddled my groin area and licked my bald head.

02 allegro

I named my old Allegro Estate, Wilhemena. She’s in the garage again here. She went there a lot!

She got into my Austin Allegro estate, the springs were tested as she sat next to me, and adroitly squeezed certain bodily areas of her choice.

We arrived back at the flat, and she did a tour of it and showed her approval.

I was about to make a cuppa and something for us to eat, when she called from the bedroom – that was that ended the cuppa and cakes idea for the moment!

02 bottleShe stood there naked, dominant, hirsute, and demanding attention.

I noticed an empty ‘Huntsman Bourbon Whiskey’ bottle on the bedside table – ‘Highly Suitable’ I remember thinking. She caught me alright… thank the Lord.


I opened my arms and clasped them around her – then did the same to her other leg.

I was thrown on the bed, and encased in her muscular body as she dived on top… ‘twas heaven!

I thought my ribs would have been broken, but didn’t care, as she rolled over and lifted me on top of her.

I licked her armpits, chest, neck, (avoiding the boils) as she turned over again, crushing my pulsing body beneath her now sweating stomach muscles.

Bliss ensued!

The planned trip to the cinema had to be delayed for another day (thankfully) as she was obviously intent and glad to remain available for more romping for the rest of the day!

My submissions that day were pitiful and pleasurable; I reached new heights of delirium in response to Grizelda’s handling of the situation and everything else she handled.

We went and collected her things from the cottage.

From that day, she stayed at my flat for the duration of her holiday… and my pleasure!

The memories of Grizelda are painful – only due to the fact that they are only memories now.

Inchcock’s Beloved Grizelda – Part 1

My Beloved Grizelda

01 cupid

Part 1  The Beginning

It all started, when a work colleague, Horace, invited me to a wedding anniversary meal at his home in Wilford, Nottingham many years ago.

His wife Susan, had also invited her German pen friend, Grizelda Freudenberger from Saarland.

I arrived at his cottage early and soon found myself being accepted within the family, despite my horrendous features and appearance (Just finished work).

Susan asked if I could go and pick up Grizelda at the Nottingham train station in a couple of hours, and I willingly said yes.

An hour or so later, we heard a taxi pull up outside, it was Grizelda, who had arrived early at the station, and caught the cab to the cottage.

Susan and I trotted up the garden path to the taxi. I watched as Grizelda climbed out of the taxi and it rose creakingly by a good three inches higher from the ground. She was a big girl.

Giselda was about 5’11” tall, around 15 stone (solid with it), a lovely dark head of hair (I later found out she had some in other places too!) Gorgeous wide hips, tree trunk legs that I instantly wanted to wrap myself around for a month or two.

Susan and Grizelda were talking excitedly in German, as the taxi driver was struggling to get the luggage out of the boot, I was just about to help him, when Grizelda strolled over and lifted the cases single handedly out of the boot, and placed them on the drive-way, returning to Susan, she cast me a quick glance up and down, and smiled at me!

My inside’s wobbled, and my extremities were girded into action, as I realised this was love at first sight! I had never known such an instant frenzy in my undies before. It actually hurt me.

It was also lust, aphrodisia, and instant arousal, passion, desire, a painful hunger… an itch that just had to be satisfied or suicide would have to be considered.

Such previously unknown to me emotions frenziedly tore away at my innards… and although they confused me somewhat, it felt good!

Horace came out to help carry the luggage in, I took a case, and Horace another, Grizelda, biceps bulging out from her short sleeved pink blouse, carried the other two big ones up the path, and we entered the house.

I sat myself down, and watched as they introduced the kids, and talked and talked about each other so merrily and happily together, as I sat cross legged.

I must admit I concentrated on the shape, words, (I knew a bit of German) actions, and innuendos of Grizelda really – and was sure she kept giving me a sly glance, again looking me up and down, and a discrete smile coming from the scar near her top lip.

Understandably with all the talking, on their first face-to-face meeting, by the time we were ready to eat, the meal was burnt a little, and Horace suggested they go and fetch a take-away instead.

We all agreed, and Grizelda said she would sort out her things in the bedroom she was to use, so Horace and Susan could fetch the food, and she would be ready, refreshed and changed by the time they got back with it.

Grizelda’s next words, were heaven for me to hear, and I knew something was in the air, perhaps romance (And I hoped rampant sex) wise.

“Perhaps Gerry could help me with my luggage and t’ings while you two go for food… yes?”

They took the kids and went off to fetch the food.

I stood facing Grizelda, my nose touching her hairy breasts, and we smiled at each other – no words seemed necessary or needed, and were not used initially.

We almost ran into the bedroom, threw the things out of her suitcases into the cupboards and drawers, and got into the shower together – (and she did not mention the microscopic size of my appendage once all the time I was with her, how sensitive she was!)

We fiddled, fumbled, sucked, and caressed in the falling water, as passion grew between us, she carried me to the bed and threw me on it.

The following explorations of each others foibles, desires, and needs was soon over, and the, fervent activity of intimate copulate followed, as she placed me between her tremendously desirous, muscular and hirsute legs.

It was intense, consuming, poignant and hot-blooded in the extreme. (Although I had to be careful not to catch the boils on her neck during the activities.)

She carried me back to the shower, and who would have thought that washing each other could have been so pleasurable, interesting, and entertaining. She taught me a lot that first day, bless her.

As we were getting dressed after our pulsating pleasures, we realised that Susan and Horace were expected back – we went into the living room and found them there, having eaten their take-away, sat besides our now cold take-away fodder on the table.

They had arrived back and saw our activities taking place in the bedroom, and had quietly returned to the living room, so as not to disturb us – what understanding and kind friends they were.

As I left that night, I arranged to pick Grizelda up on the Tuesday, and with the greatest of expectations and bodily excitement, take her home with me to my flat!

She smiled and gently squeezed my meat-and-two-veg as we departed.

I suffered the pain quiet gladly.

She put me down, and off I went, full of yearning for our next meeting!

As I walked along, full of satisfaction, and realising this was the best time of my life, pondering deeply about the good fortune and sex I’d just enjoyed – I realised I’d gone to the cottage in the car – so went back to collect it.

That woman had certainly got to me in a big way – thank heavens!

Keep an eye out for Part Two of Inchcock’s Beloved Grizelda, as soon as I get over the emotional turmoil and long defunct feeling my body is telling me it needs… Hehehe!