Inchcocks Local News Snippets in Odes

Welcome to the Local Nottingham News Snippets Selection. Chosen this week, with many crime reports omitted; Cause I thought you’d be getting fed up with reading them. Ahem!


A 19-year-old lad, the police suspect of violence,
Part of a gang of yobs, who fractured a lads skull,
Arrested and out on bail as a subsequence…
I hope he’s learnt his lesson… what a load of bull!

Cases down by 7.5%, this should make us hopeful,
Nae… almost glad, nearly joyful…
Then I see this snippet below…
Mmm, what do we know?.

And then…

Jonathan, the criminal, impervious to the right thing to do,
Yet people fall in love with him… desiring him it’s true!
The women want to meet him, and pas de deux…
And some fellas fancy him too…
Well, I’m jealous, and I admit to you…
When sentenced, I hope they deport him to Timbuktu!

So, the robbed family, and all others too…
To keep safe, here’s what you must do…
Be Vigilant, get burglar alarms and CCTV,
Get monitored ones, although it’ll be a high fee,
Ten cameras should do, to keep a good view…
Mayhaps a double-barreled shotgun, or a few?
Should it be sufficient to make the burglars Depardieu?

May they be spotted by a policeman on his beat?
What am I saying, a PC on his beat… they are obsolete!
Get a suitable spray to get them with… spirochaete?
Bribe then not to rob you; ecstasy might be alreet?
Buy a taser, but please do be discreet…
Just for the taxman, ask them for a receipt!

Killer Matthew Farmer, who smiled and winked to police after stabbing his ex-partner 21 times, has been given a life sentence for this murder in his absence. There is a minimum term to serve 29 years before an application can be made for parole.

So, murderer Matthew Farmer turns into an Angel wannabee?
I see the ploy of his solicitor, whoever he may be…
He wants to prove remorse to people on the jury?
No, too late for that; it must be the Parole Board, you see…
To impress the virtual killers by setting them free early!
So when he applies, it may go in his favour… Lordy Me!

Shame he couldn’t kill himself as he did his partner so easily…
If the turd wanted some help, he should have asked me!
So three decades, no tax to pay, better off economically?
Do prisoners have poll tax or rent to pay? Surely…

It would only be right and fair that murderers should do?
Let them earn it, give them hardships; it’s overdue!
If one wants to die, he has the right; indeed, that’s true?
Ban luxuries, give them a book written in Hebrew,

Let them keep their smuggled in or prison-grown weed…
And then, in suicide next time, they can succeed!
I’m not calling for hanging or the use of a thumbscrew!
I just pray that murdering discontinues.

Well sorted, Sir!

I fear this blight is World Wide, seemingly…
The so-called artists, ignorant, are sickeningly…
Uncaring of the damage and ugliness they bring,
They all have a humanity and compassion deficiency,
There is no solution; the law is fiddledeedee!

When my carer read this out to me,
Although it’s happening is sad, you see…
I just couldn’t help bursting out with a “Hehehe!”

YourArea Scratch Card

Three tries this week to find three green houses.
Not doing very well, am I?

The Nottinghamshire Police are gathering injury after injury,
They get little support from judges or the jury…
Parole Board pillocks freeing prisoners early…
No wonder the officers are so grumpy and surly…
Arrestees think the courts are like a matinee!

Another murder in Nottingham then…
Saying nowt about this one, I’m not in the ken,
Little to report other than violence again…
It may get better… but when?


The very cheek and impertinence,
No insurance, no tax, and no licence,
No MOTs either; he didn’t want the inconvenience,
He was bailed under his own cognisance!.

There is no detail of what offences are marked on, nor the time or date. Be interesting to see one v the present day?

Inchcock’s Local News Snippets in Ode

10 thoughts on “Inchcocks Local News Snippets in Odes

  1. There be a need for a superhero with the strength of Superman without a kryptonite weakness. But all I can do is dream it seems. A full docket of evil perps of all kinds, even a handsome sort who has a fan club of sorts. Cracking skulls and any manner of misdeed, good that you guys to not have the gun problem that we have. Assault rifles being carried openly and claimed to represent the presence of a form of freedom that I do not understand. Matthew Farmer should have killed himself first. Then, as he succumbs to his last heartbeats recalls that he got the kill order wrong. Well, too late Mr. Farmer, too late.
    But now a report on the mail received yesterday about this time of day: The receipt of Nottingham No. 1 and its inclusion of a rich dictionary that I now need to commit to memory. I might even try to build a database that automatically accesses the proper Nottinghamese for a bland English word or phrase. Used to do that stuff all the time when working on databases for various employers, including translation terms for German technical stuff that held about 500,000 entries. Those were the days…at least until you were marked as a redundant waste of company funds. Glad to substitute that with a bit more time spent at sleeping late. HRH is at the moment taking full advantage of SM’s kind ways. An unexpected arrival of several inchest of snow overnight while I slept away.
    Watch out for those creeps who are usually not apprehended, as you have thoroughly recounted above.
    I shall now get to trying to memorize Nottinghamese. Good thing to do on a snowy day, innit?

    • Farmer should have succeeded, and saved us the cost of keeping the git in comparative luxury! I’m with you on that one, Sir.

      Walking around carrying weapons, surely an invite to make others do the same? Worries me that does.

      According to today YourArea, a police traffic officer said in his last three stops made (Using a mobile phone and two for speeding), he found three machettes, four knives, a stun gun and three firearms!

      Sorry I couyldn’t send the bus torlley bus and tram book, Sir. It was a little too heavy. It would have cost four times what I paid for it to send it. Sorry again.

      Snow good for getting about. (Hahaha!) When I was made redundant, it was such a shock! But could I get employment at 62? No! So I gave up trying, and got called into the Job Centre; they wanted to know why I had been applying for jobs, averaging 15 a week for three months, and suddenly it is down to two or three? My reply: Because, not only couldn’t I get an interview, I didn’t get any replies, rejections, yes! She threatened to cut my dole money for not applying. How many jobs to you expect one to go for? “Three a week at least!” Well, being as the last list I brought in had 6o proveable applications, I am still well over that target?” No, no no, it doesn’t work like that Mr Chambers… Two weeks later, they put me on a pension. Hahaha!

      Cheered me up, hearing that my talk with White Lamb Lora just may have helped convince SM to be kind. (Hehe!)
      I’d better geroff then, urgent Porcelain Throne business required, Billum.
      TTFN, love to the sleeping beauty and all! ♥

      • People carrying assault weapons in the public square insist that they are maintaining peace in the neighborhood, and the more guns the merrier.
        Nary a problem, we have so many books that we’ve accumulated over the decades. We are trying to find them homes and thereby lighten up the manor, so all is as it should be, kind Sir!
        We have quite the same expertience in visiting Job Centers he too. And, as synchronicity has it, I also became pensioner at age 62. The coincidences keep on emerging, mate. Hahaha.
        Yer just had to move the subject from white lamb to white-porcelain throne.
        Kind thoughts to yer and yers too. A cold wintry day with bright blue sky and about 4 inchies of snow.

      • It’ll onlly one disagreement with so many carrying guns, for mayhem to ensue, Sir. Worries me, for the youngsters growing up with it. And the oldies, of course. Hahaha
        Coincidence Kids – That could be our name if we formed a duo on stage, Billum. Hehe!
        The snow, 4inches isn’t good Sir. None would be betterer?
        Herbert is giving it some tonight again.

Leave a Reply