Inchcocks Wednesday of Whoopsiedangleploppery

/ Inchie / 3 Comments

I’ll start at the beginning, (Sounds logical to me? – Hehe!) Perhaps I might learn to spell as well… tomorrow…Tsk!

I woke around 03:00hrs and rose gingerly to my feet,
But the knees and legs bothered me most, mate…
Just look at ’em on the left here… What a state!
Still had Arthur Itis giving pain and the flat feet…
Without pains, a life I would think would be incomplete?

The regular fluid retention that usually sinks into the feet seemed now stuck in the top of the legs. My patellas are all knobbly?  But I’m not complaining (then anyway).

I began to think through the needs and actions of the potentially hectic mornings requirement. Which, as I noted, were:

  • Get the ablutions done early, like straight away…
  • Make sure I do not use the shower as early as this in the morning, so I’ll have a stand-up session at the sink.
  • Get the teeth done first.
  • De-coke the nasals.
  • Saccades eye drops in. (Try to get some of the medication into the eye this time!)
  • Before shaving, don’t forget to say your little prayer to the Peripheral Neuropathy God. And make sure the aftershave is handy to stop any bleeding.
  • Do take care medicationalisationing. I can tell already that Little Inchies final lesion has been bleeding cause as soon as I moved, the dried blood cracked as the P.P.’s were adjusted… So be prepared for agony, and brave it out, mate!
  • Now cometh something that will be as much hassle and pain as anything…
  • Yes, the sock-glide has to be used for the first time in months! Sorry, but it’s just too cold to go out to the Dentist, barefooted in my shoes this time!
  • I wish you all the best of luck with carrying out this fearful, scare-making task! But, it’s got to be done!
  • Things went relatively well as it happened.
  • As expected. The worst by far was the tender application of the dreaded, feared, always tear bringing…
  • Tender in the extreme and extra painful cause one has to get to things in the first place… 😢
  • The Sock-Glide won the ‘Most Hated’, The Most Feared’ awards. But the fungal lesioning retained its status as ‘King of the Excruciating Medicalisationings!’
  • I was so glad that I got these done and out of the way early on… I even Smug-Moded about it for a while!

I made my first brew of tea, finished off yesterday’s blog, and got it posted off. The Carer came nice and early, so that was nice… her seeing the photo of my legs on the computer screen was a bit harrowing for the gal, though. Hahaha! Me too!

I thanked the girl and offered some nibbles or drinkies in thanks, but she wouldn’t have any. I fang-you! Off she went taking my waste bags to the chute with her.

The computer turned off, and I got down to getting things ready in earnest. Let’s have a think now…

Bus pass to get back home with, yes! Camera, check. Cash card… okay. Keys, Alert bands, Warfarin I.D., yes… Somethings missing, methinks? Aha, shopping list and cash card, Gorrit!  By the time I was all ready to go, it was about 08:15hrs as I set out. I got into the lift and down to the ground floor…

Then went back up to the 12th-floor and the flat and got a face mask adorned. Nearly made another cock-up there!

THE JOURNEY…

Down and outside, over the road, Accifauxpas, nought!
I turned around, to the view of Winwood Court,
I took a photo of it… well, I thought I aught!
But the gravel hill up into the park made me fraught…

Made it up the hill in one go – but I was heavily breathing,
A dog came from nowhere, barking at me; I was seething!
Nearly ended up mucking my underclothing!
The dog owner arrived, she was chunky, fortysomething…
I fell in love again… the mouth was frothing…

I limped my way through the twitchel no one was about,
I was a little nervy, so I still kept a lookout,
Had a look around as I came out…
That twitchel has an ominous aura, there’s no doubt!.

Down the hill, as far as Elmswood Gardens, then right…
And alongst it. I plodded towards the traffic light…
Mansfield Road road, the spending did start!

Too early for the Dentist, I called into the Wilko store,
Laundry booster, Zoflora and Trots tablets… Yes, some more!
The tablets were easy to get, four feet from the floor…
The booster too high, out of reach, to my displeasure!
I ask a lady for help, at her leisure…
The Zoflora, bottom shelf, I ended up on the floor!
But the ladies laughed and helped me up some more!

Out just in time to get to the Dentist,
They treated me well, although they were pressed…
A new gal training on the reception desk…
I was soon fetched to see the Dentist Oola Bogusz,
As she leant over me, I could sense her firm left bust…
She smiled at me a lot, was I going mad or what?
She and the nurse actually joked with me???
Toothpaste prescription, Something amiss here, just you see!
In no time, I was treated and set free!

I had a funny turn while paying my dues…
Well, I had it when I first joined the queues
These were also patient with me… another ruse?
I have to work this out at home, have a muse…
Why the change? They all usually have a short fuse!

Not many folks about? Most of them had not got facemasks on. Even in the Dentist and Wilko. What’s the matter with them?

Down to the Co-op, to get some cans of their delightful own brand chilli-con-carne… why the tastebuds were salivating at the thought of getting some more cans… But No! The assistant asked the manager for me, and I found that they had stopped stocking this product, Grrr! Gnatwrangles! Damn them! Curses! Flibblegonkackles! Gits! Slobs! Flibblegonkackles! May they go bankrupt! And may whoever it was who decided to stop stocking my beloved cans of Chilli; Get festering, fungal-lesions bursting out slowly all over their body, for at least a full year, before they finally rot away; in absolute agony!  Not that it overly bothers me, mind!

Then up to the top of the road to Lloyds Chemist,
Oh, Pharmacy nowadays, sorry, how remiss!
I got the prescription toothpaste from Alice,
Leaving, I trapped my finger in the door…
My Saccades vision is now feeble & poor…
And the left index finger is bloody sore!

Humph!

I got to the bus stop and met Esther, we had a natter, as she was on her way to the flats to do someones cleaning. Nice to see her. We walked through the link passages together – they can’t touch me for that! Hahaha! (Can they?)

Home Sweet Home!

Well, things didn’t go too bad, well, maybe… erm… either way, I did enjoy the getting out of the flat bit. Although it cost me a lot of dosh, a little blood, frustration and had moments of utter confusion… that’s life, you see… Well, it is for me!

My Route Taken

Yellow on foot – Purple on the bus.

I unloaded the bits of stuff purchased. Of course, there would have been more; had the lousy, stinking, crap-ridden, overcharging, dog-breath,  Klunglefrazzled Co-op had some their ‘Honest Value’ Chili-Con Carnie to sell me. But never mind. Shit!

I soon settled into a routine that matched the rest of the day,
Drinking spring water, tea and a pee; what a thirst I’d got on me,
I may not have been contented, but not depressed, exactly,
I started the mammoth task of doing this blog artistically!
In between blogging, I even had two callers, socially!
A lovely carer to drop off a Christmas card, nice & early.

Even got a phone call from the Doctors surgery,
Wanting to arrange a booster shot for me…
I explained I’m having it done at the chemist this Saturday,
Adding, I’ll see you tomorrow anyway…
Why is that? she did say, ‘For medical, the yearly…’
No, you’re not booked in, evidently?
I’ll check, hang on, she said wearily…
I’ve got it on my calendar, my dearie?
Have I got it wrong again? Am I illusory?
Nothing on our records, she added hastily…
Oh, a free day for me then, that’s satisfactory…
Maybe I can have a hassle-free day?
Yes, well, I’ll see, you may be hearing again from me?

The feet, after not wearing socks for months, continuous…
Felt okay, but the legs were feeling somewhat lethiferous,
So, I wound up the trouser legs, oh, the fuss…

What a change to earlier ones, more flush,
Still swollen, at the top, but fatter lower down?
Will the fluid flow with a gush?
Will things spurt in a rush?
Will the legs turn to a sodden mush?
Will the world, these limbs discuss?
Will the cause be revealed, as dracunculus?

Look what I found in the middle of the kitchen floor!
A rock hard escapee garden pea, what is more…
The miracle is, how I hadn’t noticed it before?
Has my eyesight, really got that poor?
Am I going potty? I’m not sure…

Camera Out – Balcony Utilised!

To take some snaps of the wonderful view.
The amazing sky, shown in the first two…

In a couple of shots of Chestnut walk, you won’t see any queue,
The place is sparse of people. what can I do?
Are they all inside, eating sausages, fish or making a fondue?
Mayhap some are trying on their Christmas tutu?
Or on holiday in Bulwell, Cardiff or Timbuktu?
Perhaps absent, gone off on a romantic rendezvous?
It’s possible a few could be feeling sozzled or blue?
Out buying food, but the panic buyers are in the queue?
Or in town, with their free bus passes to renew?
I’d speculate more; if only I knew…
Where they have all gone, what are they up to?
Ah, gorrit! Christmas! They’ll be making their homebrew!

Well, I’d better get some food – salad or a stew?
No, vegetarian sausages and root potatoes… that’ll do,
I’ll take a photo of it later, just for you to have a peekaboo!

Worra Nosh!

Vegetarian! Royal grown potatoes, root vegetable mash, tomatoes, Nigerian podded peas, Veggie sausages, cheese and bean pastie, with orange jelly and spray cream for dessert!

Taste Rating: 7.9/10 – Delicious!

Part of ‘The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe In Rhyme’

To all my thousands of fans throughout the world, I wish you all good fortune, fun, festivities, euphoria and future financial prosperity! (To both of you!)

TTFN!

Local News Snippets – Mark 4⅝th

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Cunningly put together by the regurgitational Inchcock!
Just back from holiday, he went to his sweetheart, Ceindrych, in,
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!
But she turned him away, hit him and called him a wazzok!
Which came over him with an aftershock…
And he’s now got writers’ block…
He fell over putting on a sock…
Gave Little Inchies fungal lesion a nasty knock…
His self-pity just ran amok!
So he had a drink of dandelion and burdock,
Watched an old film about the Morlock…
Put the kettle on and got an electric shock…
Harolds Haemorrhoids bled, on his buttock,
He really felt depressed and schlock…
He felt stupid, a fool, and a laughingstock,
So he started this blog and took off his frock!

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LOCAL NEWS SNIPPETS

WITH COMMENTS FROM INCHCOCK

Bearing in mind that I have not seen a policeman in my last three visits to the City Centre, where will they get them from?

There’ll be even fewer police officers available now that some more have been attacked and injured. Mayhap we could call on the Boy Scouts to help out? Or not!

The poor boys in blue have got it all on in the fair City of Nottingham, have they not?

I hope all the policemen have had their ‘Boosters’. The poor downtrodden, spat upon and attacked tiny mites, have obviously been very busy, you know!

It’s not looking good, is it? I delved further into this matter, visiting the BBC News site. (Well, someone has to!)

Well, that cheered me up, no end!

Hope this link works to a clip taken on a door camera!

Postman leaves elderly lady lying in snow after fall

Swine!

“She was not physically hurt”? Oh, well, she won’t be bothered at all then. She is not scared to death each time she goes to sleep or is worried about going out and coming back for ages. Maybe you could arrange for some drugs to be got the offending scumball, on a monthly basis… that’s one way of stopping them robbing to get money to pay for their habit? Why not throw in some fags and booze as well? Perhaps pay for their rent?

Blimey O’Riley, what next!

Corona Virus mark four, five on the way, bloody hell!
Omicron symptoms flu-like, and losing your sense of smell,
Food shortages, Parties at number ten: alarm bell!
Government confused giving out flannel…
Anti-maskers, shoplifters, rising prices; gloom to dispel?
Folks depressed, the honest ones only, just as well!
Hope we don’t see the return of the pterodactyl!

Thought you might like to recognise their faces,
A multitude of criminals of different races…
Muggers, con-artist, shoplifters and drug-embracers?
Pickpockets, burglars, killers and indifferent protesters?
Gunmen, knifers, they should all be made into lifers!.

Part of The Nottingham Lads News Snippets in Ode

Chinwag Two: With Alto-Ego Inchie

/ Inchie / 3 Comments

There I was, in heaven… with Sweet Morpheus, it was so nice!
I was romancing a buxom lass named Eunice…
And Inchie butted in, with his pestering moans and advice!
But, for the first time ever, we agreed and did empathise…
Perhaps it was not wise for us to try to fraternise?
But we did; I think he enjoyed it likewise!

Inchie: Well, that hospital visit was farce wonnit, mate?

Inchcock: Huh! You again, what’s wiv the mating bit, then?

Inchie: I know we’ve ‘ad our ups and downs, but you’ve been through a rough patch fer this last twenty years or so, and I thought it’d be nice to be nice for a change…

Inchcock: Did yer? I feel like by being non-argumentative, I’m taking away your little pleasures…

Inchie: Worrya mean?

Inchcock: Well, yer usually wins all the verbal fights and tiffs we ‘ave…

Inchie: Naturally yer turd! I’m yer Alto-Ego, yo are the ethereal thing like. So fings like conscience, giving a toss, and yer ability to fret, worry, show signs of pissed-offerdness, and you can get a bit depressed at times… I’ve noticed that! So I’m taking my chance to confuse yer all the more you see?

Inchcock: Not really; I’m flummoxed again already! Why can’t you just leave me alone to get some rest and peace?

Inchie: No, no, no! It doesn’t work like that, dumbo! It’s my job to hassle yer, keep yer on yer toes, like. Else overwise yer might commit Hagi-Kari… then…

Inchcock: What! After all, I’ve been through, do you think that I’d top missen? Rubbish, claptrap, your just stirring things again, aren’t you?

Inchie: Yea, I’m good at that, ain’t I, no doubt about it…

Inchcock: For God’s sake, if you are me, or my other half, surely you must suffer the agonies that I do – so why bother…

Inchie: Ah, you’ve not gorrit yet, have you? You are! I’m not me…

Inchcock: What?

Inchie: Yo just said, for God’s sake, yea?

Inchcock: Yes…

Inchie: Well, I know that yer doesn’t believe in him… see? Provin’ what an ignorant, uneducated, pug-faced, pathetic, docile, pussy-cat, yer really are, cocker! 

Inchcock: Fair enough with the name-calling; there may be an element of truth in some of what you say about me – but surely you must be the same yourself?

Inchie: Perhaps mush, or maybe not. Are you not talking to yourself in reality? Come on… answer that, yer moron!

Inchcock: If there isn’t any God, then why even bring up the subject – I’ll tell you why, no… hang on, what was the question?

Inchie: I know, but it got yer going, see!

Inchcock: How can one see? If you are really me? There is…

Inchie: You retardate; You just can’t grasp it, can you, tit-head?

Inchcock: Grasp what?

Inchie: The relationship between us, knucklehead! Yer still think yer talking to someone else?

Inchcock: I am, you!

Inchie: Yer, but I am you! Ain’t I?

Inchcock: Just because you say so does not mean that is correct!

Inchie: Ah, so you think we are two different entities then?

Inchcock: I’m not sure… what do entities mean?

Inchie: Concentrate pillock! Fink abarght this… you’d know what the word means, yea! If you was me, and I was you… right?

Inchcock: Erm…

Inchie: Look, numbskull, I think it best if yer gerron with the pork pie supper you wuss plannin’, then I’ll give yer an hour or so, I’ll come back to hassle yer a bit more. I can’t be fairer than that, can I? 

Inchcock: Does this mean I’ve won an argument with you?

Inchie: No, you silly old fart! It’s cause it’s Christmas!

Inchcock: Is it?

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Part of the Inchcock Make Them Laugh Series

Spurred by My Comedy Hero Spike Milligan

Omnibus in Ode of Oddities Encountered

/ Inchie / 13 Comments

Up and at it blogging,
Feeling much better, astonishing!
Went to do the Glengettie brewing,
Notice outside was suitable for viewing…
With the morning sun encroaching!

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End Car Park was in use, staggering!

End Car Park was in use, staggering!
Leaves falling down from trees overhanging,
Resistance to use this car park is flagging,
Three vehicles today; is this a new beginning?
Oh, where’s my tea… I’m gagging!

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Carer Carole Came…

And seconds later, the Sainsbury order came in,
Carole to do tablets, the ulcer machine-gunning,
Confused with so much to do at the same time…
But Carole took charge, with a drink of lime…
So I did, took the sorted tablets in no time…
She put the items of food in the kitchen, all in…
Shot off, she was in a rush, but she still cleared the waste bin!

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Suddenly alone again and sulking…
I got the food away, rushing…
Six items short delivered… it’s a sin!
Needed food, I was again burping…
Got a banana and to take off the skin…
Guess what crawled out of it?
A beetle, it was gigantic!

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Guess Who Ordered Wrong Milk, then?
My Accifauxpas in ordering online food…
Continues, with such unimpeachability!
I’d ordered the extra-cream full milk, dude!
One can’t beat vascular dementia, well, not me!
I assure you I ordered it accidentally!
I was not too bothered, well, not overly…
Cause the Grahams full cream milk tastes lovely!
The guilt is now fading… Lip smackingly!

Hehehe!

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Back onto the computer again,
The urge for a biscuit or two came…
As I stood up, Dizzy Dennis attacked the brain…
I ended up on the floor yet again…
My language, I admit, was a little profane…
Then I had to struggle back upright again,
T’would have been comical, if not for the pain!
I knocked off the coat… But that is nongermane,
Stuff fell out of the pockets again!…

Getting down and back up to retrieve things was a strain,
I carried on fed-up, biscuitless, now with terrible back pain!
I went for a wee-wee and found a bloodstain!
In agony now… should I try cocaine?

Part of the Inchcock Make Them Laugh, In Ode Series

I’d shoot missen, but I’d only miss!

Part-Ode To Getting Hospitalisationed

/ Inchie / 16 Comments

I woketh up with a sore throat and extra-tight chest,
Not exactly poorly, but not feeling at my best,
The Porcelain Throne found another abscess!
Work the ailments off; that would be best…
So I hand-washed the jumper and brown vest!.

When the shirt was finished being washed,
I saw the pots from last nights lone symposiast…
On the draining board, messy, unwashed!
Dropped the plate onto my toe it crashed…
So, I made a start on the blog, unabashed!.

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Change of Plan!

Upon seeing the twinkling lights at their prettiest…
I got out the Canon camera for a photo fest…

I tried to take some close-ups, appreciate them to the fullest,
Two came out looking the nicest…

Good work from the local Christmas lightists!
Ah, spotted some more; this one made me feel chuffed!.

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Carer Richard Arrives!

Onto the computer with the freshly brewed tea,
I didn’t pour it on it, just took it with me… Hehe!
An hour or so later, the door chime rang out to tell me…
Carer Richard had come to look after me, medically!

It seems that I must have looked worse than I felt this morning. For the lad was deeply concerned at my pastier than ever, face and violently shaking limbs! Which was appreciated. I explained about the sore throat and tight chest and had a job to stop him from calling for the paramedics at first.

When he gave me the medications, he saw the tablets coming back up fin the throat and out of the mouth onto the floor. (The missing teeth make it hard to stop them when this happens. Haha!) I still didn’t feel poorly, just out of sorts, but Richard phoned someone (111?) for advice. They, whoever it was, suggested he call for the paramedics. I explained further about my not feeling really bad, the food delivery that was due, and a call from Gill was expected, so I was not keen on missing them. When the medicine came back up, he called the ambulance for me. Bless him!

The food delivery arrived while we were waiting. Richard put the stuff away for me, and paramedics arrived. To chaps gave me a good going over. And ECG, temperature, and Blood Pressure. They recommended I go with them straight away to the Queens Medical Centre. I was still a midge reluctant, but Richard and the ambulancemen all thought it necessary, so I gave in.

My not being used to having three people talking simultaneously, a fair fluttering of flusterationing made me a little confused about what was going on.

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Prepping for the Journey!

The Walker would be needed, the medic was not too keen on it,
I relayed how much easier it is than relying on a walking stick,
One of the men conceded but was worried it going missing…
“You’ll be moved about on a trolley for hours. I’m not kidding!”
“So many get stolen, or at least go missing!”
“It’s pandemonium in there… don’t mean to be discouraging!”
“But we can take it with us, and, to save you worrying,”
I’ll put an ID badge on the walker-guide thing!”

He did Too! How kind was that! Great! Thanks, Mate!

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Arrival At The Queens Hospital

Paramedic chaps got me and the trolley to the A&E Emergency,
Waited in a corridor, on an uncomfortable wonky trolley,
I was pleased when the others moved swiftly…
But they slowed down somewhat, busy place, much activity…
All cubicles full got the first examination embarrassingly…
As they checked me for Covid, outside a lavatory!
Then they checked my rear end… deep in the cavity!
In the corridor, I exposed my protection pants and more…
Whatever they were using left me sore…
I’ve no idea what they were looking for!
My embarrassment, beyond repairability,
The depths of depravity!

© 09:30hrs: Moved Into Main Room – Then a bare Corridor

They had a queuing system that would baffle you at best…
Each time I was moved a few feet, it was never less…
The walker-guide, but, they were busy I guess,
I had to ask for the trolley each time; I think I was an optimist?
I reckon I wee them off; they did look pissed!
Then, out into a corridor again, all bare, not the prettiest!

Corridor Back Into the Main room

Aha, I nodded off; they woke me to give me attention. Over the next four hours, I had two ECGs, blood tests, Warfarin blood test, and Blood pressure was taken, and I fell asleep again. They woke me moving the hospital trolley again, and I turned to look for the walker-guide, and someone was rifling through it at the far end of the room, and it was a big, cram-packed with people, room! Other trolleys were moved, and I lost sight of my special trolley…

It took me over half an hour to find someone who would talk to me, but I found out she was coming to me anyway. She humphed, sneered, and went of to retrieve the Walker for me. She was back in a minute and crammed it betwixt my arm and the divider wall. She was not a happy gal at all!

To my amazement, she got out the ECG and BP stuff again?
I bravely asked her, “Are the other readings not right then?”
She calmly replied: “Nae, we lost them…”?
Adding, rather wittily, “Yer can’t expect fings to be Utopian!”
And she never spoke to me again!

The Noisy Moaning Git!

By now, ten hours or so, I’d been in here, innit?
But I was not feeling in the slightest antagonistic,
In the trolley in front, a chap getting verbally vitriolic…
His tackle on view, he was getting verbally athletic!

I could No Longer Stay Silent!

Mouthing it, scratching his balls, wearing no underwear!
“I’ve been here half an hour – nobody’s seen me, taint fair!
I said: “It’s a hospital, not the Mayfair”,
He swore back at me; I said in answer…
I’ve been here for ten hours clear…
So, give them a rest, or I’ll give you a vestibulocochlear!
Amazingly he quietened down, and folks gave a cheer!

That word stayed with me for some reason, not sure what it means. Something to do with Peripheral Neuropathy, I think. No one was more surprised than I was when he quietened down. I was expecting him to get up and attack me. Mind you, I was ready and prepared.

He made me so angry. Even two medical staff thanked me! Hahaha! I got a cup of tea and some biscuits.

Lady Doctor From Cardiac DVT Clinic Visited me!

Basically, she reported that the Warfarin INR level is satisfactory, and the mechanical aorta-valve is doing its job! I thanked her!

A nurse arrived to do yet another ECG & Blood Test

I dare not make any comments, although she was a lot friendlier with me this time?

My trolley was moved around for the next two hours

An A&E doctor came to me and said You’ll be allowed to go home shortly, and they have arranged a lift for me. Great!

Seven trolley-moves and an hour later…

A young lady came to collect me and the two trolleys in a white coat and took me into another department to await the lift being arranged for me. Given another cardboard cup of tea and more biscuits. At least now, being out of that haemorrhoid-testing big trolley and in a chair, I can drink and dunk with less hassle from Neuropathy Pete’s shakes.

As I fell in love again, I inquired of the white-coated buxom young lady; I have not been for a wee for 19 hours. Is there was a WC I can use, please. Only if you need a wee, no closets are available here, as you are not allowed back in the treatment room again. Oh? I confirmed that I only needed a pee, and she gave me a cardboard urine pot and told me where to go to use it. So, I did!

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Taxi Home

An old ambulance took me home, not a taxi,
A man and daughter team, jolly nice folkski,
We had a good natter en route, socially,
The chap came up to the flat with me…
Offered him a nimble or plonk, to thank him dearly,
Beer & Tequila, his choice, Cheers he said appreciatory,
Using the loo, he departed; I think his name was Hughie.

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I had to get the itching ECG pads off

Coor, that’s betterer!

Food, the next task!

Very Tasty! Baked bean and cheese pastie, a BBQ beef burger and a pot of lemon mousse with spray cream, lots of it! Gorgeous!

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Medicated A Few Areas

No more notes on the writing pad

I must have fallen asleep?

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Part of The Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe In Rhyme

Evenin’ all! ♥

December 2021: Local News – With Inchie comments

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Local News

With Inchies comments in Ode.
Crap Ode, fair enough!

Here we go…

Inchy: I wrote upon this news, a comment what I thought,
Needed saying, about my views on this report,
About dangerous bike riders and Escooterists,
If I was young enough, I’d give them some fist!
Not that I’m a spoilsport…
Pavements are not there for their sport…
They should use the road, was my retort!
This will be perfect planning for those who snort,
Muggers, pickpockets shoplifters, should go to court!
But they rarely, some never get caught…
That’s the end of this verbal jaunt!

Not looking good, these figures, are they tommyrot?
I don’t know, but I do think not…
The anti-maskers, I disagree with this lot…
Being careful is best in the longshot…
Maybe each one of them is a barnpot?
They show aggression, wanting to form a protest riot?
Hah… I’ll just get me dinner made, chips and a carrot!

Well, the above new, will give normality a jerk though,,
Coronavirus has limited the number of people at work,
Working from home is back, I see,
Not that that is relative to me…
At last, from that pressure, I’m free…
I don’t miss it to any degree!

It’s the few who have to go to work, get my simpatico!
I know words can’t really help them; they seem shallow…
But in a few years, they will feel a warm glow…
Yes, retirement… it may be a shock, though?
There’ll be little rest; they should know…
So, I give advising a little go…

Things You May Find When Retired:
Of course, it depends if you’ve retired or been sacked…
Made redundant, nowadays that’s more of a fact,
70% of over 60’s get heart attacks…
80% will get cataracts,
Brittle limbs get broken or cracked,
If you did work, did you check your pension contract?
An area in which I sadly lacked…
The Government wants to know your finances; use tact…
People over 65 more often get hacked…
HM taxation will rarely use the word subtract…
It’ll help to see the Doctor, to get Prozacked…
Dementia, memory loss will ensure you get sidetracked…
HM Inspector of taxes checks, you are honest, in fact…
Oh, 90% of passengers were killed when getting highjacked…
Still, we’ll leave off that fact…

The truth is, you won’t be fit or rich enough to own a car,
Thus avoiding the floods, stay home using your camera…
Snap the poor devils, sell them photos later, from afar…
Then get ready for Arthur Itis, ulcers, and likely, oedema!

If they did ban them all, one day, to my amazement,
There’d be so many more unlicensed drivers prevalent!
Untaxed too, so what can we do?
What other form of punishment, a thumbscrew?
Too expensive to consider imprisonment,
The problem’s likely, beyond reconcilement!

I’ll tell yers while, Mr Magistrate,
He’s got you weighed up, straight!
Send him to prison, and you capitulate,
His laundry is done, free food, he can sleep in late,
No rent to pay, free medical care, to appreciate…
From the next peter, he’ll get his barbiturate…
Have time to read, watch telly, and cogitate,
To hand, will be a different way to cohabitate?
He can buy a knocked off phone to confabulate…
Oh, yes, he’s got it worked out, mate!.

A life sentence? Huh!, Rubbish!
No time for Odeing on this one…
Kenneth McDuff: killed three teenagers, a life sentence, released after 11 years. Three days after his release, he killed again!
David Edward Maust: While stationed in Germany, Maust killed a boy and was ultimately convicted of manslaughter. After being released, Maust stabbed a friend in his sleep, drowned a 15-year-old in a quarry, and slew three teens and attempted to bury them under his home.
Steven Pratt: Two days after being released from prison for shooting and killing his next-door neighbour in 1984, Steven Pratt beat his mother to death during an argument.
Arthur J. Bomar Jr: is a repeat offender who was in and out of the justice system multiple times. After being paroled from a Nevada prison in 1990, following a second-degree murder conviction, he may have been involved in three murders in Pennsylvania. Then, a few years later, he used a fake police badge to stop a female college athlete on the interstate and brutally murdered her. After he was finally caught in 1997, Bomar was charged with first-degree murder, kidnappings, aggravated assault, rape and abuse of corpses, and he was formally sentenced to death by legal injection. Hurrah! In the UK: Andrew Dawson, George Johnson, Ernest Wright, David Cook and Desmond Lee were all allowed out on licence despite getting life sentences; All killed again!

Another set too!

Why?
Gangs?
Fear… weapons…
Intimidation…
Drugs…
Booze…
Gambling?

Part of the Inchcock Local News in Ode Series

Fings I read, that triggered the memory!

/ Inchie / 6 Comments

Wednesday 8th December 2021

Fings I read, sometimes those I view…
Glaringly show a change in my milieu,
Viciousness, cruelty and lack of virtue,
Growing greed, drugs, alcohol, always in need,
I do some little Odes to go with each preview,
I’ll have to set myself a curfew…

For I’ve a lot of things, I have to do…
I don’t want to run late, causing a hullabaloo!
Shortly to the dentist, I’ll have to go…
I’m not scared or nervous, oh, no. No…
No sweat or nervousness from me does flow…
I shall keep calm, steady as I go…
Any falling of tears, I’ll stop; I know,
Ah, now I’ll have to stop in mid-flow…
For wandering off the topic, I did go!
I sense brewing up within me, a foggy mind fiasco!

Spotted on BBC Site!

Where they got the forty times from, I know not,
It was now more than a dozen, but that’s enough, what?
After clarificationing, the women officers were rather hot…
I thought, on one occasion, a taser would be shot!
Each raid increased my usage of the chamber pot,
But they did give me a food parcel, quite a lot,
Gin, biscuits, steak, turkey, crisps and whatnot,
For my not being a moaning fusspot?

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Sense of Humours Demise!

This brought back into my damaged mind…
A time when folks were more pleasant and kind,
Jokes at others expense… but no one gained?
Our sense of humour still remained…
Now the PC brigade is unrestrained…
The worlds do righters; are they all unsained?
It’s easier in this world to be scatterbrained,
As the compassion and empathy are slowly drained!

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Opticians

Like Doctors and dentists alike,
They now wish patients would take a hike!
Coronavirus, now Omicron with its recent spike…
People out without masks on, buying up the Nike,
Christmas contact, so virus spreading – Crikey

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NHS Maintain Some Humour!

The standard or garden employees of the NHS,
Well, I thank them all, Heaven thank them, and bless!
Mistreated, the Politician pay them a rise, a pittance!
These expense-fiddlers live in several houses, all chandeliered!
Well, it’s time that the righteous mutineered…
Then strikers would be genuinely feared…
But the NHS staff will not – though their hopes are withered…
Will the MPS stop fiddling if they are ever sobered?
Will Nurses etc., continue to get backstabbed?
Will the NHS staff stop getting clobbered?
Will MP’s ever stop getting bribed?
Do they still get free drinks, thus get imbibed?
The Virus … Has anyone checked…
With whom the MPs are necking!
No Expense Form Claim checking!

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The Law

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Laughter!

The old folk, most of them have still got the oomph!
To laugh at themselves and be a little pottymouth,
Edinborough, Manchester and Portsmouth…
To Weymouth, Nottingham and Yarmouth…
Political Correctness? They’ve had enough!
Try telling them what to do – they’re pretty tough!.

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Nottingham!

Not a lot of folk in Nottingham are aristocratic,
They are famed for being somewhat autocratic!
Shoplifters, druggies, muggers, old uns arthritic…
ATM con artists, a few have jobs, some even autistic…
Alcoholics, Methodists, Atheists, and Catholic,
Muslims aplenty, we house them after taking them in…
But no complaints from me, for me it’s a win-win!
Apart from the Escooterers, they are a danger and chaotic,
Students from afar, all corners of the globe, some are Balearic!
Without them, life would be quiet, not hectic,

I’ll stop now; I’ve got to take my diuretic,
Got carers coming to dose me? It’s pathetic!
But, that’s me, the human Guinea pig, innit?
Then I have to shower, change of clothes, be contortionistic,
Frustrating, but I don’t get apoplectic or dramatic…
If I shave without cutting myself, I think that’s cosmic,
Lousy Ode today… the whole this is diabolic…
I’m off then, radio, later on, the Barnsley philharmonic.

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Well, I got that wrong, but happily so,
It was Brass Band music, great, kiddo!
Blidworth Welfare Brass Band, too,
They were good, credit where it’s due…
They played absolutely excellent. Yahoo!

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Life’s Essentials I’ve failed to grasp!

/ Inchie / 10 Comments

So often, I’ve been beggared, challenged and confounded by these beautiful, cannot live without, creatures.

My first awareness of their desires, demands and wily ways came early in life for me. I’ll explain what happened to get my message across correctly and unsmuttily.

I think I was around five or six years old at the time. Mother dear had just conned Dad to take her back in after the police chased her down.  She’d been on the run from the police again. Of course, I was not au faux with the situation at the time. I’d been told she had gone to look after Auntie Betty while she was ill. Never had an Auntie Betty before? A few unknown Aunties were visiting me in later years. But none had the attraction of the next Auntie I was to be introduced to, Auntie Kerry!

Mummykins had been back for several weeks. She was on probation). Out of the blue one weekend, I was told that I would have to stay with Auntie Kerry for a few days, and she would collect me in her car and drop me back after a week or so. I just took it that Mummy would have been going to court or prison for this time. All matter of factly, I was used to it by then.

Sure enough, this largish, plumpish ‘Auntie Kerry arrived in the afternoon, a Player’s full Strength in her lips, deep red lipstick, make-up caked on her face, but she did smell nice. She introduced herself and made a bit of fuss over me, asking what foods I like – I’d never been asked that before by anyone! She was not impressed with the clothes Mother handed to her for me to wear but was pleasant enough about it. “We’ll set of early then Francis; I’m going to get him some new clothes from Fords on the way home, my treat!”

This was all baffling to me? What had I done to deserve this? Sure enough, we left and drove into town, parking her Austin A40 in the ice stadium car park, and we walked over to the Fords shop.

I liked how she kept handling me now and then while driving there. As if to put me at ease. (Little did I realise her intentions then, but I soon learnt and appreciated them that night!) She spent a fortune (to me anyway) on clothes and asked me if I liked this or that one before buying – Had I died and gone to heaven?

We took the clothes back to the car, and Auntie Kerry told me it was roast pork, green beans, and baked potatoes for the meal. I was Gobsmacked! Indeed, this put Mothers usual bacon rinds and tinned tomatoes to shame!

We got to her massive gardened house, somewhere (I now know to have been in the Rutland Road area, in West Bridgford) carried the goodies and food into the mansion. Auntie’ said, “Firstly, we’ll give a bath and get you in the new pyjamas” A bath… an indoors bath, with running hot water, no dragging the tin bath indoors, it was warm in there… I think I checked to see that I wasn’t gone to heaven again.

Boy, was I looked after! Bubble bath, proper soap (although I did and still crave the no longer available carbolic soap) and the sole attention of Auntie Kelly, especially in the area below the belly! Of course, I was in my eye-holes. I just knew that I was lapping it up!! I had no idea what was going on. After the extraordinarily long time in the bath, being pampered, massaged and excited, I was taken downstairs and fed like a King!

Blimey! She had a TV too, central heating, curtains, tablecloths instead of the Nottingham Evening Newspaper… luxury this was!

She turned on the TV set and sat me on her knee, well, knee to start with… I lost any interest in watching whatever was on the goggle-box.

“Another bath then?” declared Kerry. Who was I to disagree! Gawd, it was good – I innocently went along with every idea, suggestion or manoeuvrings my mysterious Aunt came up with. Physical jerks of a sort, I still didn’t know what we were doing or why… other than on my behalf, it gave me such great pleasure! And, there was plenty to enjoy.

But, I can assure you that what time we had left together was not wasted. Even in the car driving me home, we pulled up on Meadow Lane, and we re-entangled ourselves, sadly, sickenly for the last time.

No, that’s not true, actually. A couple of years or so later, while Mother was off on the run again, Auntie Kerry turned up at the house many times, and she made sure it was on a Saturday – my bath night, so all was not lost. Just not the same in a tin bath in front of the fire.

I was disgusted (but happily worn-out) four days later, reinvigorated with the kindness and indulgent pampering when she told me I had to return home!

I realise it is now safe to tell this tale, for the mysterious, inestimable, plump, aged Auntie Kerry (whoever she was) will by now be in heaven – awaiting my arrival, I hope!

A heartfelt Thank-You to Auntie Kerry! ♥

Early December 2021: Local News Snippets – With Sarcastic comments

/ Inchie / 13 Comments

With Sarcastic Comments

This semi-political Local News Snippets Report,
Is unsuitable for any laughter-unliking spoilsport,
But suitable for anyone liking jolly fun and rapport!
With comments that offer humour in their retort…
This way, cause Inchies taking Morphine and Ocu-Cort®,
With Prednisone® and Methylprednisolone in support…
I must remind him of his next visit to court!

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Local News Snippets…

Well, not good news to view,
Wearing a face mask… are you?
We’ve been told that we should do!
No? Well, then you bloody-well ought to!

New cases in Nottingham. The last 7 days is 1305!
How many of them in a week will still be alive?
Not wearing a mask? How many lives will you deprive?
By permitting the new Omicron bug to thrive?
Anti-maskers?… Time for firmer punishments to arrive!

Seems to me that Tories defunding the Constabulary,
And increasing the pretend policemen auxiliary…
Has increased the amounts of muggings and burglary,
And their success in convictions has dropped, similarly,
By their softly-softly approach and being conciliary,
And poor Ethsham Ul Hag Ghafoor’s heartbroken family

Has owt gone more warped, diseased than Joe Public?
Shoplifting, driving with no insurance, licence, dogmatic?
More murders, stabbings, muggins, they go at it,
Youngsters mope around, cunningly looking apathetic,
More morons on, than off drugs, and antisemitic,
Yet ready to fight anyone else who’s anti-Islamic?
Gobby, and leery to the point of being semantic,
Yet they unhappily don’t stop acting demagogic?
No desires to learn and be semasiologic,
They take any drug they can steal, but just a tick…
They could get from, say, mushrooms a similar kick?
And get them free from the wood – the type that is magic!

I know I don’t get out much nowadays,
And when I do, I get the shakes and mind haze,
Or fall over and put me in a daze…
For months now, and this may amaze…
I’ve not seen a uniformed policeman in over 120 days!

Shithead!

The gal was just going for some milk & bread,
But she had to meet with this druggy instead!
Who bashed her about her head…
Threatened her with a knife, it’s been accredited…
Said he’d burn her face, that already bled…
He should be taken quietly to an allotment shed…
And hopefully, they’ll find his mangled body later – Dead!

I thought wearing a mask was to prevent you from passing it on?
But who knows with this new Corona strain, Omicron?
To me, it’s sensible to put a facemask on?
Has all compassion and caring now gone?
It matters not where it came from, China, Africa or Saigon…
Proof again, humans have less compassion than a Klingon!

This one (Statement) must have taken a lot of working out,
I imagined they would come up with some cringing words…
Two days it took the get it out…
This is what they said…

Shit, I can’t find it now! That wasn’t the statement, Hehehe!

Well, well, well!

Did you see that they used a photo of two Police Officers…
In Nottingham? Note he is wearing short sleeves? It must have been summer when they took this photograph. Cause, apart from when the Muslims, Black Lives Matter, Anti-Face maskers, National Front (UK), Student Demands, and any other protest group are protesting in Nottingham. I have not seen any officers for months now in the City Centre. Plenty of shoplifters, muggers, beggars, rough sleepers and the likes, though.

And I’ve got appointments not to be missed…
The Doctors, I mustn’t get a brain-fog, for the phlebotomist,
Then I’ve to go for my virus booster at the local chemist,
Got some forms to fill in with the Doctors receptionist…
Ah, and the scary, gonna hurt a lot visit to the Dentist!
Make an appointment about the Saccades at the optometrist,
January, the Deep Vein Thrombosis, and the cardiologist!…

The Nottingham Lads News Snippets in Ode Series

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Late Extra! Read All Abarght it!

This could happen to anyone…
Shaving and getting bloody kneed,
Peripheral Pete’s fault; Is that agreed?
Well, I dropped a razor, grabbed at it…
Never mind, you wouldn’t have believed…
The mess I got in, bloody indeed…
It’s a new body and brain that I need!

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Wot Me Worried?

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

Wot, Me? Worried?

I recall that my school imitational educating…
It was, well, a survival course; it was nerve-wracking!
A beating up, or a teacher’s desires, ever-lurking…
The fear, anxiety, never perpetuating, eradicating…
Not allowed, any anti-gang nitpicking or narking,
Always got caught doing wrong and got a rollicking!
There was very little joy or merrymaking!

I tried to avoid the gangs and did no twocking,
But Mum found things to go in my Christmas stocking,
Mostly it was shop-lifted, stolen or Godforsaken,
I would have liked to have gone backpacking…
But the police kept bringing Mother back in,
Thank heavens she was not into stockbroking!
Police bought me food at Christmas – Gobsmacking!

My youth? Complicated; Mam, if at home and Dad fighting,
No pennies to put in the meter for lighting…
When Mam ran away, with the police pursuing,
I made the breakfast and evening meal, no fricasseeing…
Nor fondueing! A frying pan or saucepan was all I was using!
No baking cakes or meat stew, but I was good at brewing!
Any desserts were a jelly, soft, no fridge, or a can of rice pudding,
The washing and cleaning, getting the bath sorted, I was doing.

No complaints from me felt I was wanted, that was rewarding,
Proud I was; I thought that bit was worth recording,
No time for rollerskating, trolley-boarding, or reading!
And no point in my moping, moaning or memory eroding,
Brush and dustpan, no machine, so no vacuuming!
I just pressed on, no time to worry about anything…
That came later; looking back, my good luck was very thin!
But at the time, it had to be done, so I took it on the chin…
Dad had a decent left hook when he’d been on the gin!
If guzzling Shipstone Strong, it could be a bullwhipping!

I did later get to go with the Army Cadets, out camping…
For three days, the weather was wet and worsening…
I enjoyed it, it was great mate… I lie; I was witwantoning!
Everyone was was pissed-off and whining…
I got back, soaked, weary and had food poisoning!
Dad: About time, get the cleaning up done, then luncheoning!

Wrote fur the Inchcocks True Tales of Woe Series