A bit of a laugh

Coping with Old Age – Inchcock Style

/ Inchie / 6 Comments

Coping with Old Age – Inchcock Style

Wrote in SuPport of the fethaurus Users league

Like Corona Virus and wee-weeing, it comes to us all,

Like dizziness, madness and having many a fall,

You can’t prevent it, like a rainy squall,

It’ll come, Summer, Winter, Spring or Fall,

You might be having rumpy-pumpy, or playing beachball?

Football, tennis, baseball, trying to throw a curveball,

Or you could be summoned to the guildhall,

Nowt will stop ageing, for eternity, you may trawl,

But as I say, it doesn’t matter at all,

Ailments, disabilities, agony to recall,

Life is just a struggle and a brawl,

Unfairness, those who seem to have it all,

Money, good looks, who lives are a ball,

Even for them, live will stall,

Death is perfectly natural,

Mind you, them who live at Balmoral,

Though, lacking in some moral,

Live longer, that’s connatural,

It’s us commoner’s, with no collateral,

Who was accepting our being visceral,

But death, well, it’s gone viral,

For the underprivileged, hopes, are not transferable,

Though, commitment is not endurable,

Life is not so cheery, easy, or affable,

Things can get so bad, death is advisable,

But still, you must admit, it can be laughable!

I wish that humour was bequeathable,

And seeing the future was browsable,

Wouldn’t it nice, if death was cancellable!

Just a thought! – I had one in 1958 as well!

Advice on Hospitalisationing, for my Xyrophobia suffering, over amour propred Brother-in-law Pete. Hehehe!

/ Inchie / 6 Comments

Pondering over the experiences of my Hospitalisations

With the hopes of giving my Bother-in-law Pete, a lift and laugh, while he’s in the Cty Nottingham Hospital, being spoilt by the specialists and pretty nurses!

My Medical Memories recalled and relived:

At the age of five, I got my thumb end chopped off and was taken by ambulance to the Nottingham Children’s Hospital. Put on a trolley, and got told-off for falling off of it! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

When I got shot (Working in Security in those days), they left me on a trolley in a passage and forgot about me for four-hours! General Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

When I had my ulcer done, they forgot to give me the chrystals, and I spent six hours on the Throne when I got home, in agony! City Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

When I got the hernia and was rushed into the QMC, Jane helped out my bringing things for me. Then, while repairing the hernia (Genuine bit of good luck here!), they found cancer in the bladder! Fortunately, they already had the laser and camera down my penis to deal with the rupture, so they set to and lasered the prostate cancer, at the same time! Serendipitous indeed! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

On a new-years Eve, I collapsed with high or low BP, can’t remember which now. Paramedics took me in, I fell off of the gurney going in, and lay there on the concrete floor for several minutes. QMC Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

I was told I could not be sent home with my BP so high or low, and the Warfarin level so low. I was placed in a corridor, with many other patients on trolleys, to await a bed coming free! QMC Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Where, three hours later, I was told there is no chance of a bed, and I will have to go home! This being 00:30hrs on New Year’s day, so no buses! QMC Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

I had to walk, well hobble, all the way home in the early hours of the morning. No money for a bus or taxi, not that it mattered, I saw neither on my marathon walk back to the flats. QMC Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

When I was having the angiogram, before the heart operation, they said it would be a three-day job. Then, a day later in the morning at about 04:00hrs, they woke me to tell me the bed was needed urgently, and I will have to go home! City Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Mind you; it was Pete who saved the day, at this ungodly hour, they rang Pete, who had to come and collect me! City Hospital. As we were leaving, they handed Pete a leaflet on what happens during an angiogram, which I’d had days ago? Has this ever happen to Pete? No! 

In the Morris Ward for the aorta valve replacement. A seven-day job with recovery they said (Huh!) By the fourth day, they were calling Brother-in-Law Pete to collect me again! City Hospital. Saved the day again!

Peripheral Neuropathy diagnosed. I was summoned to the hospital. A struggle in getting there, but I made it in time. I waited for three hours after the appointment time, then got in to see the Specialist. Who said, “There is nothing we can do, your neurotransmitters are dying on your right side. We cannot repair nerve ends.” Then gave me four-A4 sheets that listed the problems I could expect. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Then the most embarrassing event of my life, the Stroke. Everything in the body and I do mean everything that could leak, leaked, and I crumpled to the floor, puzzled, confused, and expecting the end had come. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Pressed the Alert Alarm, no idea what the lady said at the Nottingham City Control Room, or what I said to her. Or if I was speaking or thinking? While waiting for help, she rang back, insisting I unlock the front door to allow the Paramedics to gain entry. I had to crawl on all fours, no chance of me standing up, even while crawling, I kept falling over to my right side. There I was, in a right smelly mess, covered in front and rear releases, tears flowing, the nose running, the right ear bleeding and blood pouring from the fungal lesion, the Paramedics were shouting something through the door, and eventually I got to open the door, then collapsed again! These details were told me later. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

To the QMC Hospital, parked on the trolley in a dark room for hours. (Or so it seemed to me anyway). Up to a treatment room. I lay on the trolley in a bay for hours and started to come round a bit. A chap came to me later, told me I’d had a stroke, and said they would be transferring me to the Stroke Ward at the City Hospital. QMC Hospital. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

An hour or so later, I was collected and taken to the City Hospital. The journey was exciting, as I learned a lot about the two ambulance women who were taking me and other patients crammed in the ambulance. Their eating habits, one preferred Morrison’s the other Tesco. About their child birthing experiences. Coronation Street, and Neighbours were spoken of, and one of them was having Chilli-con-carne for dinner. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Got into the Newall Stroke Ward. Jane and Pete visited a few days later. I got a window bed, but no camera to use. So Pete took this photo on his visit a few days later. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

I was in for fourteen days, started the therapy three times a day. Then it happened again! I was told they needed the bed for an urgent admission, and I would be moved to a Residential Home (The Acorn)! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

The ambulance ladies who collected me left much of my possessions behind and took some that belonged to the patient in the next bed! I learned on the journey, gruesome details of one of the ambulance lady’s Cesarian operation, and that the other was going in for a breast reduction that months end! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

During my weeks there, I had my eyes opened. I had to make a police witness report and went for two days without being given an evening meal. But I loved it there. Has this ever happen to Pete? No! But he did take this photo when he visited me to check on my finances.

The photo shows a bottle of pop and a book that had yet to be returned to the rightful owner, taken there by the ambulance drivers in their rush to get me out of the hospital. They also failed to take my underwear, socks and Crossword books! Has this ever happen to Pete? No! 

Then, the room was needed urgently, so for the third time, I was moved. Again they called on Jane & Pete to lift me home. Has this ever happen to Pete? No! Hehehe! I’d have been lost without him and Jane, though! They listed and took all of my valuables while I was away for safe-keeping, Bless him. I’ll get them back one day!

Sister Jane came to sort out my medications that were in a right state after months away. A good job too! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

I was given a carer to help me dress and put on the ankle strap, which was greatly appreciated I can tell yers!

But they were cancelled as the head-honcho woman, decided I could do it myself. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

The After-Stroke nurses came regularly, and again were very much a boon to me! They stopped coming when they arranged months of one a week two-hour physio training for me. It nearly crippled me! Haha!

Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

The now dreaded Sock-Gide was delivered, and the blood-blisters and bruised flourished. Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Now, I cannot put any bamboo or other type of socks on at all, because of the uncut toenails and failure to bleed the ankle ulcer. It’s too painful to use the deadly vicious Sock-Glide at all! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

I’m waiting for the medical departments etc. to reopen again after the appalling Coronavirus interlude. I will need, the Dentist (badly), the podiatrist (Desperately), The audio clinic for hearing aid batteries, and Opticians to get some glasses I can see through! Also, the delayed appointment with the cardiac team, to have a check on the metal ticker! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Now I’ve been diagnosed as diabetic! Has this ever happen to Pete? No!

Pete knows the reason for this post.

To keep his spirits up with a laugh!

All the best, mate! 

I hope Jane’s coping too!

Cheers!

Rainbow inspired photographicalised ode

/ Inchie / 8 Comments

1Mon04

5Fri05

On the computer, picking at my cold sore,
I drew the curtains, above is what I saw,
For beauty, one couldn’t ask for more,
I was gobsmacked, as I looked in awe!
Life wasn’t so complicated or obscure,
There was hope yet, I was sure,
I forgot all about my credit score!

5Fri007c

My zoochosis meant nothing, against this delight,
Magnificent colours and bending light,
Some pale, transparent, others being superbright,
I took in the gorgeousness, as well I might,
I forgot the hassle of Monday and yesternight.
I wanted to steal this inspiration, get the copyright!

5Fri12

How did the phenomenon occur, I lacked the insight,
It even beats the heavenly blue moonlight,
A plane flew by, lucky devils on that flight!
Not that I don’t love the days twilight,
What an incomparable, wonderful sight,
It’s even more desirable than toasted Marmite!

5Fri11

Rainbow, that’s an excellent euonym,
My self-control wandered, I felt grim,
Mind facts were substituted with skrim,
Dizzy Dennis was afoot, a thought-storm brewed!
For moments the brain froze, and logic stewed,
My head cleared, after a prayer and a hymn.

5Fri019

I no longer drink, or use tobacco,
Don’t play any instrument, no piano,
I do overeat and love a fresh tomato,
Eventually, semi logic I did re-bestow,
Thus ended this thought-storm fiasco!

5Fri03

No peace, no rest, from the unbalanced mind,
Sometimes from life’s hassle, I wish I could resign,
Oh, to find an existence that is gentle and kind,
Peacefulness, tranquillity, are so hard to find,
Even around here, with its lanes, tree-lined,
Why is life, so complicatedly designed?
Have I any right, to moan and whine?
The body and brain are both on the decline,
Red Dwarf’s on the box later, so never mind!

1Mon04a

I’m Determined to destroy Depression!

/ Inchie / 5 Comments

I’m Determined to destroy Depression!

2Tue08a

I decided, in a dream, I had yesternight,
Depression, I’ll resist, beat and outfight,
I must be strong, determined, not contrite,
I’ll be honest with myself, not like a Blairite,
My approach, will-power, must be definite!
I’ll have courage, like a brave medieval Knight,
And continue to show my vigour and fight,
Although my confidence may be finite,
This misery, I will surely try to expedite,
I must give this depression, no respite,
Ridding myself of this soul-destroying plight,
Who knows if I can, I just possibly might?
Then hopefully, I’ll get some sleep tonight,
And for supper, I can have some toasted Marmite!

Created during an aberrant spell of semi-confidence.

No Brexiteers were harmed during the production of this waffle!

Coronavirus Calypso

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

A spur of the moment, impulse, load of drivel, created, as Inchcock woke up. He asked me to pass on his apologies, as he was temporarily in Defcon 2 mode, mentally.

5Fri007c

Remember These? Of course, the hoarders will!

Coronavirus Calypso

Going into self-isolation,
As is most of the nation,
To get the toilet rolls in?
The chances? None to thin,
Coronavirus, payment for our sin?

Tellurians, you must not bump into,
Tatterdemalion or the well-to-do,
Urges to touch, you must subdue,
Cut your hair in a basin cut hair-do,
Having sex is still under review!
But pigeons can still bill and coo?

No food in the shops,
Bread, milk, you might find a few,
You’ll have to fight and argue,
Battle with the determined queue,
Then blood and insults will spew,
The language was very blue!

You might try home delivery for food,
To sustain you and your brood,
If you do try home delivery food!
To the delivery man, do not be rude,

Self-isolation; is wrong, some folk argue,
But I’ll not be involved over this, thank-you,
HMG responses seem so impromptu,
Certainly going to cost us revenue,

Self-isolation, so many folk rue,
A bit of good news is overdue,
Confusion over what we must do,
We mustn’t shake hands too!
Is mankind’s end really in view?

Stuck at home, what do we do?
Clean shelves and dust that statue,
Pen some extra veins to your tattoo,
No food in, so no chocolate to chew,
Can’t get out to buy, so no making stew,
Your plans and orientation, gone askew!

Sit, read a book, perhaps of Fu Manchu,
Back of the fridge, mouldy Danish blue?
You’re starving now, crumbs for tea, that’ll do!
Dig around the sofa, for crisp-crumbs residue!
The nurse’s visit cancelled too,
Mind froze, stagnated, what will ensue?

Where is the spirit of World War Two?
Is it the end, will you ever again hear a cuckoo?
Is it to be, that you’ll not see another cup of tea?
Farewell, to your beloved tasty Glengettie brew?
Your mind gets depressed, whatever can you do?
Finally, you get a plan made and worked through!

Escape! Find food, and hopefully, a toilet roll too!
Your plan to go shopping, sanctioned by the Tenant’s escape crew,
How to get out though, whatever can you do?
They don you with a wig, to hide your bald head from view,
You know you may not return, but offer your neighbours, a thank-you,
Creep out, staying in the shadows, your walking stick oiled too,
Arrive at the store, but what a sight greets you…

Header7

But it’s the future, your deja vu, hitherto!

Empty shelves, fighting, greed, at Sainsbury’s too!
Little fresh food, no toilet rolls, not even a tissue!
This is now a serious issue,
You give an Achoo – but ominously, nobody blesses you!

WDP 003a

Published in Support of the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society

Where hope would once prevail

/ Inchie / Leave a comment

This morose rubbish was penned by Inchcock when he was at his lowest.

Having just missed a second appointment at his Dentists!

It flowed from his now even-more depressed mind easily. Too easily.

But, the old fool still posted it. Bless the poor old twit!

GC33

Where hope would once prevail

Where hope would once prevail,

Now there’s not even a contrail,

I’m  not exactly hearty & hale,

My failings, oh, I so want to wail,

My hopes have begun to pale!

Overweight, I’ll never be a Chippendale,

I believe I was born to fail,

Will my fortunes improve, my good flail?

No, more chance of finding the Holy Grail!

My good luck, I store under a fingernail,

My Accifauxpas, ever-grow in scale,

As my body does, it looks like a whale!

Whoopsidangleplops arrive, like a gale,

Worries, fretting, now no sleep to avail,

Still, it’s given me time to write this sorry sad, tale!

If anyone want to buy it, it’s for sale!

Evenin’ all!

A Little Trip To Merry Nottingham – Photographically & Poetically told

/ Inchie / 7 Comments

4Thu19

I arrived on Parliament Street, greeted by the smiling populace,

A cheery smile on every face,

Oh, how I love the place,

Mind you, I had my can of Mace!

4Thu19a

I called in the Poundland shop,

Shoplifters were arguing, having a strop,

I didn’t want to eavesdrop,

So I didn’t stop!

4Thu19b

I notice pedestrians crossing the road against the red lights,

But all was eerily quiet, no fights,

I bloke chucked out of Burger King, what a sight!

Another chap was as high-as-a-kite!

Then two gals started a cat-fight,

I ran away, and well, I might!

4Thu19cClumber Street, I rested, the knees were stinging and tight,

Along came two men, one on crutches, the other on a bike,

I told the biker, it wasn’t right,

Driving so close to me on a bike,

He told me to take-a-hike!

4Thu19d.

Why do folks do this, I wonder why?

Two imitation policemen stood nearby,

They said and did nowt,

Cause they have no clout,

I moved on and gave a sigh!

4Thu19ELong Row, above the Yorkshire bank,

1833, bet these were built with pride and swank,

But such architecture goes unnoticed, to be frank,

By youngsters, with acne and a look that is blank,

To them, workmanship & beauty is not worth a Franc!

4Thu19fLong Row businesses, failing so so much now,

This shop used to be Burtons food store,

Where you could buy pork, bread or a cow,

I miss it more and more,

I can still smell the meat, somehow,

Though we couldn’t afford it, we were poor!

4Thu19gAh, another pavement cyclist, for short, PC, I’ll call them,

One hand on his handlebar, texting on his phone in his hand,

He even spat out some horrible phlegm!

Some say they should be banned,

But not by the Greens or Lib-Dem!

4Thu19HA gathering of Nottinghamians resting,

Unemployed, students, and shoplifters?

The bored, the drunks, and Brexit debaters?

Look at their faces, it’s interesting,

They all glare at me, as if they hate us!

4Thu19iCity Centre, Long Row, and, the Slab Square,

Architecture by Fothergill Watson, who was the absolute best!

The man was a genius, with skill and flair!

Better than all the rest,

And, I’m only being fair!

4Thu19JQueen Street, I nearly got hit by yet another PC,

Delivering food, perhaps pizza, burgers, or a fricassee?

Maybe once again, one will run into me?

But I carry my taser, just in case you see!

 

This rubbish was wrote during an evil spell of the dizzies and shakes,

By Inchcock, while he ate his supper, of cheesy cakes.

I fank you!

Inchcockski: Searching for Sanity & Logicality – In bad Rhyme!

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Gerald James Timothy Algernon Archibald Inchcock

The Nottinghamian lad knows he is losing it, big time.

Mentally and physically, getting help is hopeless,

 He gets uptight, but he’s completely harmless,

Depressed, untidy, ill and charmless,

He can’t commit suicide, he ain’t got the time,

Even his words don’t properly rhyme!

 

WDP 1Lda

Inchcock: Sadly searching for Sanity

Somewhere, in his tortured labyrinth of a brain,

Lies logic, intelligence, but he can’t find them today,

The brain is active but rarely reliable or decisive,

Also, hesitant, feeble, and the memory’s gone away,

 Some details it retains, and admires he does say,

Mostly about medications, Red Dwarf and Will Hay,

 But his desire, longing for sanity, will not go away!

 

WDP 1L

 However, his efforts, hopes and plans are derisive,

 The mentality-seeking strategies are not conducive,

At least not for 74 years… that’s including today,

He redoubled his spiritual side, and started to pray,

Again in hopes, he’d be semi-sane again, one day,

He talks to his EQ, that’s hyper-sensitive.

 

WDP 1Lcb

He wrote to an Agony Aunt, that was digressive,

 He revealed all, and thought that was impressive!

She said she couldn’t help, and she was sorry,

But why did she throw herself under a lorry?

Inchy thought that was a touch impulsive and excessive!

Regaining logicality, will he ever find a way?

Or remain an idiot, until his dying day?

Another thing, why do his wee-wees always over-spray?

 

This blog was produced without a warning disclaimer.

No claims made for any educationalistical prowess of the author.

Donations and mental assistance will be gladly accepted.

In the event of the writer snuffing it, kindly donate to the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, Nottingham Branch. 0115 999999.

Thank You

WDPT02L

A Whoopsiedangleplop Wet-Walk in Nottingham

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

01a

Amidst a Thought-Storm, an idea came,

For a little ode, a bad one, oh the shame!

But Inchie had to put pen to paper and write it,

Cause he got wet and went arse-over-tit!

But he knows he is to blame,

Still scribbled it, all the same!

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