Willmott-Dixon Humorous Graphics
Hope the lads like ’em and have a laugh!
TTFNski
Bit of a laugh
Woodthorpe Alcatraz Pensioner: Now up for Adoption!
Would you like to help this 72-year-old young Inmate to find a life again?
After several failed escape bids, and his refusal to love his new windows, that block the light and view; something had to be done.
The management has no other option to put Inchcock up for adoption.
Although getting on a bit in years, he has no problem in manoeuvering to and from the cell blocks daily. His stratagem, as with many of the 
detainees, is just to ignore the lorries, tractors, etc. and plod on.
He sometimes goes out during his exercise period, to the wood behind his block.
Should you not get along with Inchcock after taking him in, don’t worry. He is suicidal, and few well-chosen words of reprimand, reproach or if desperate, an unwarranted tongue-lashing for something he didn’t do, will suffice.
So, you can see, if you decided to adopt Inchcock, you would not be getting a totally inept or immobile adoptee, indeed. He is capable of cleaning shoes for you (although this must not include his bending down, as he can’t get back up again).
The Nottingham City Council have made arrangements for his funeral, if he snuffs it before the upgrading is done, anyway.
No matter what the weather, he gets out to his Doctors, chemist, clinic, and hospital almost daily. This would, of course, mean less hassle with having to listen to his stories of the 50’s and how much simpler life was then, and the musical talents of Frankie Vaughan and Billy Fury. Another bonus for any adoptee!
No need for you to worry in the event of any fire alarms either.
Inchcock knows many of the Fire Service personnel himself.
And he has watched them as they attend the average twice weekly false fire alarms to Woodthorpe Block. And I can say that none of these emanated from his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles infested cell.
So, another possible worry about adopting Inchcock is deleted.
He has grown to like his Evil Boll Weevil Ironclad black biting beetles.
If he is adopted on his release, this will mean so much to him, knowing he no longer has to kill the creatures every day, to avoid being bitten.
It was mentioned at the last Block Wardens meeting, about the amount of what he calls Whoopsiedangleplops and Accifauxpas he suffers. This is nothing to worry about, we don’t, just ignore him, and he’ll go away back to his crossword book, no problem.
If Inchcocks becomes defiant and will not do as he is told, here is the advice of the Oberführer and Gruppenführer of the Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union and Training Brigade. Just ignore him, unless there is some valid point to his moaning, then pretend to listen intently, then ignore him. It works a treat!
In the rare event that he persists, offer him a scowl, and threaten him with eviction and being moved to a prison cell in a rough area of Nottingham. That always quietens Inchcock down, for us.
You will have no problem with his often almost daily visits to the doctor for his blood tests and fungal lesion treatment.
As long as you live no more than two miles from Carrington, in Nottingham.
He enjoys the hobbling to and fro, and seems to get some satisfaction from the telling-offs and reprimands when he arrives at his surgery. He is also in 
love with one of the nurses.
No need fret over his medicationalisationing needs at all.
He can take his medications, albeit that he gets them wrong at times, this is nothing for any prospective adoptor to worry about, though.
In the event of his snuffing it while in your care, call for a quick removal of the body. Inform Nottingham Winwood Alcatraz Wardens Union on 0115 955 0029, and he has a nose ring he keeps with him, at all times. It is the only thing he has left of any value, but it could fetch up to £1.50, so worth searching for.
Prisoner 72, is well known for his willingness to help at the outings and trips away.
The Social side of things can be a bit daunting for Inchcock.
His social skills are somewhat limited, but he does try his best, although without much success. But credit to him for trying.
He can be used for doing the washing for any adoptee and their family. He is well versed in the operation of older washing machines and is a bit of a wizard with the iron.
One handicap with his doing the laundry is his persistent habit of finding odd socks. This does not matter to him, or that he is that short-sighted he usual wears odd ones anyway without realising it.Â
His being deafish could well help and having a bad memory can come in handy for any adoptor. He’ll believe it when you tell him you told him yesterday! Hehe!
Well-versed in electrical work and planning.
He is the envy of many other prisoners, at how he keeps his cell arranged.
His window cleaning skills are a bit different from most inmates.
But they usually get a laugh.
Naturally, they are part of his many flunked escape plans.
So, if you can help us with this overweight, deaf, short, bald, Duodenal Ulcer, Anne Gyna, Reflux Valve, Harold Haemorrhoid, Hippy Hilda, Hernia Harry, Dizzies Dennis and Shaking Steven ailment suffering old Inchcock, and take him away, please get in touch.
Thank You
Bank Holiday Weekend – Inchcock doesn’t like em!
Worrisit abarght Bank Holidays that upset the Old Git?
Days without any buses to get him anywhere,
Spends too much time sat in his computer chair,
Days stuck communicating with the blogosphere,
Tormenting his haemorrhoids in his recliner chair,
Global-Virgin will fail again, but this is not rare!
He thinks back to 1962, when he had an affair,
He eats, no one to talk to, he gets chubbier,
Ever increasing weight, makes him feel even barmier!
His neighbour residents go off but to where?
To visit friends and families, kids or maybe an heir?
They go to the Bahamas, New York or Guinea-Bissau,Â
He can’t afford a holiday away, that’s not fair!
Leaving the sad repugnant Gerry, lonely and in despair,
No buses, can’t get to see his Sister Jane to eat one any donair,
Then pass wind and get thrown out, with Janes usual flair.
Wondering why he is short, fat and has no hair,
No social skills, not distinguished or debonair,
His body and mind in a state of disrepair.
Feeling down, he sometimes gets out of the chair,
In search of biscuits, cheese curls or a chocolate eclair,
If his breasts get any bigger, he’ll need a brassiere!
How will he cope this weekend?
Will his depression ever mend?
I fear he may do something that might hyperextend…
His sanity, health and his stomach may well distend!
When will his eating ever end?
No, hang on, he might yet kick this depressing trend…
Red Dwarf’s on TV later – but he’ll never stay awake to the end!
The reason for this pathetic rhyme not making much sense, and the gammaticalerrors, are put down to Inchcock’s lack of education, his being stupid, his losing the battle against the Pestering Ironclad black biting mini-beetles/weevils and their being no buses for him to use.
Inchcock’s Thoughts of the Week in Rhyme
The ironclad-min-biting beetles, I’ve had to avoid,
They’re quick, and refuse to be destroyed,
Nowhere left that I’d not disinfected and scoured,
They move faster than flipping Concord!
Failed efforts to conker them, left me losing my sanfroid,
Fly spray, bleach and boiling water utilised and deployed,
The result? Next day, an even bigger-beetle hoard!
I ordered from Amazon, beetle-killing pads, effective I was assured,
When the van arrived it had none on board!
Soon I was hindered, and very annoyed,
Liberty Virgin Global, left my life in a void,
The internet connection was again destroyed.
Curses and oaths emanated from my thyroid,
So often, I was frustratingly forced to be internet underemployed!
I wished I had in my prescriptions, something made from Opioid!
Ironclad Lightning Fast Black Mini-Biting Beetles attack Nottingham Pensioners Flat: Defence Commander Inchcock’s Report
The Attack of the Ironclad black biting mini-beetles!
His battles to try and rid his beloved Nottingham City Homes flat of the infraction invaders have all proved to be abject disasters. Causing the man’s aboulomania to increase. Resulting in non-success, defeat and frustration. Thereby increasing the old chaps kakorrhaphobia.
The few times he has had a little success (And I mean few times) in ridding himself of a few of the Ironclads, a sort of abiogenesis takes place, and there are always more of them to tackle within hours!
He’s tried talking to them of course. Hypnotising them, squashing them (but by the time he gets his old limbs and joints to permit him to get down on the floor to them, they have been long gone, they are like lightning at running!), getting back up from the floor is not easy for bald tubby short chap. He’s tried bleach, fungal mould killer, fly-spray, his mallet and prayer – no luck yet!
Saturday 11th August 2018: Report:
Maybe the mini-ironclads are shutterbugs?
Ah, well!
Where have all the Honest Politicians gone? In an ode.
Have you noticed how things have changed, and are doing so at such speed, things seem to not get noticed so much?
Where have all the decent politicians gone, Long time passing?
Created in Support for the Whitechapel branch
of the ‘Bring Back Our Bent Bananas’ Campaign
Aliens in Nottingham City Centre Scare!
Don’t Panic!
A Selection of my Political Headers for a bit of fun
34 Chances for a laugh at the politicians!
The fiddling, lying nepotists in charge!
TTFN, take care each!
Poetical Advice on the Ageing Process
Poetical Advice on the Ageing Process
 
Tripping, falling, slipping, dizzy-spells or funny turns
Any one of these, and others can have you over, young ones must learn,
Whatever you are doing, the time will come…
When you’ll end unexpectedly on your bum!
And, I assure you it’ll painfull, not numb!
As an aid to remind the young, unprepared whipper-snappers of the dangers wot they are certain to face, I’ve wrote them this little ditty:
To the tune of:
“It’s a long way to Tipperary”
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
It’s a long way to go,
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
My knees won’t let me up I know,
Goodbye, Being Healthy,
Farewell, teeth and hair!
It’s a long, long way to Topple-over,
Old age isn’t Fair!
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
It’s a long way below,
(Be-bom-bom-bom)
It’s a long way to Topple-over,
Despite you’re best endeavour,
(Be-om-be-bom–bom–bom–bom)
Goodbye, being healthy,
Farewell, teeth and hair!
It’s a long, long way to Topple-over,
Get back up if you dare!
Published in support of the Japanese Vick Inhaler Population in need.
In Japan, over-the-counter allergy/sinus medications that contain
the ingredient pseudoephedrine such as Vicks inhalers and
Sudafed are banned under Japan’s strict anti-stimulant drug laws.
