Inchy’s Angiagram Hospital Procedure – Part of Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe series

Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe


Inchy’s Angiagram Hospital Procedure

AmorrisAngiAmorrisAngiI’d starved myself, taken the medications, and I arrived at the specified time, and reported to the Obergruppenfurher at the Morris Ward Cardiac reception desk.

I was greeted with a curt superior nod of the head by the receptionist and my paperwork demanded – which of course I gave her.

I was given the short order of “Sit their”, as she pointed to a chair in the waiting area, “as the bed was not yet free.”

I humbly sat on the chair with my bag of accoutrements and bedclothing by my side, and took out Spike Milligan’s ‘Rommel Who?’ book to read.

She came over a few moments later, trod on my toe without any comment, and sat next to me to confirm my details, then returned to scold someone else at her outside of the ward ward reception desk.

An hour or so later, she called out my name, and instructed me to go with the nurse, into the ward.

I managed to resist giving her a Heil Hilter salute.

As the nurse led me through the coded lock doors, I realised I’d left my bag outside, and I returned to collect my bag, and got a lecture about security and bombs from the Obergruppenfurher on reception, then I returned sheepishly to the nurse in the ward.

She led me to a bed, tagged my wrist, and told me to get my jammies on, then scrub my hands, chest and groin with some gel she gave me to use.

I actually heard her giggle as I removed my underpants. (I’ve got used to this now, after a few visits to the hospital, and the usual flow of nurses to have a look, and smile sympathetically at me, or run out laughing. It’s true)

A Doctor came in after I’d been antisepticated, and went over the procedure I was about to have. I could have anaesthetic if I requested it, but they prefer to use a sedative, so they can ask me to move if required. A sedative was agreed on and given.

An earlier procedure had been cancelled and I was to go into the theatre in an hour. During that hour, I was informed by a male nurse that a patient had died, and I was taking his place for the same operation.

That perked me up no end! If they’re losing patients at the pre-heart op preparation stage… what chance would I stand with the actual Aorta valve replacement operation?

I was collected, and taken into the theatre, and they were very precise in getting me into an exact position on the table.

AmorrisAngi2As they were injecting me in the groin – this pair of well developed breasts with a nurses head over them leant over me and asked if I’d like a pain-killer injection. I answered ‘Yes please’ to both of them.

Just as I realised seeing the breasts were having an effect on my lesser endowed lower region where the tube was being inserted…

I drifted off into a semi-conscious state, I could see the smiles and looks of sympathy develop on their faces.

I seem to remember them returning me to the ward bed, where a Doctor attended and told me that everything looked good for the big operation and I would be notified shortly of the date.

Then the good bit came, they informed us that the breakfast was now being served at the other end of the ward, and I felt ready for some.

AmorrisAngi3When I returned to the bed, someone had left me photographs of someone having the Aorta mechanical valve replacement operation I was due for soon.

As I got out of the bed, I realised that my ‘Little Inch’ appendage was stiffer that it had ever been (not bigger, just harder), and it stayed that way for hours and hours. I asked a nurse, jokingly of course, if I could have another stab of the sedative!

She looked me up and down, smiled and asked Why?

The next morning I was signed out, and released at 0500hrs ’cause they needed the bed urgently.

They called brother-in-law Pete and he agreed to pick me up.

I was handed a very handy descriptive and helpful leaflet about ‘What happens in a Angiogram’ – obviously far too late to be of any use, but interesting like. Tut!

As I passed the reception outside the ward, I went to the Obergruppenfurher, and with all my sarcastic efforts, smiled sweetly at her and said: “Thank you very much for all your help and understanding!”

The ‘Humph’ I got back made me smile, it would have done Hattie Jacques proud in Carry on Doctor!

More to follow… TTFN

Records wot Inchcock has set

IR02Record 1: Birth

Inchcock was probably the first just under 3lb baby to have his mother tell the mid-wife to “Throw it in the Trent!”

Record 2: Absconding

He ran away from home at six years of age – gone for six hours, got scared and returned to a good belting. Not for running away that was encouraged, but for getting caught and the police bringing him back and waking up all the neighbours.

IR01Not that the belting upset him, it was the fact that no one had missed him that hurt.

Record 3: Being forgotten by his Mother

He’s been told of, and some he can remember. The wash-house, the Bingo stalls, the Cinema, the Chip shop, and the relatives houses are just some of the places she left him to return later to collect him, or usuallt someone would take him back home.

The one he remembers with clarity was a day trip to Mablethorpe and she left him in an arcade and caught the train home. Give her credit though, she did remember when the train got into Lincoln and she informed the police. Who sent a PC to collect him and scare him to death giving him a lift in a black maria to Lincoln to be rejoined with his mother who wanted to know immediately if he’s won anything on the machines.

Record 4: Boxing

Young Inchcock believes he still holds the record for any boxer at the Meadows Old Boys Club – he lost every bout and never got beyond the second round.

Record 5: Football

He definitely holds the record as their goalkeeper, albeit as stand in when they played Corpus Christie School in a cup match. He still insists that the third of the thirteen goals they scored was not his fault.

IR05Record 6: Go-Karting

He was the first person to tip over a Go-Kart at the new amenity in Skegness.

Record 7: Falling asleep

Perhaps one of his best records and least challenged by others was his trip to Mansfield for a job interview by bus.

IR04aHe fell asleep and woke up at Chesterfield, where he had to pay the extra fare of course.

He got soaked in the rain waiting for a bus back to Mansfield.

He then fell asleep on that one and got off at Sutton in Ashfield.

Again he got soaked waiting for a bus to Mansfield.

When he arrived at the interview they told him he’s got the wrong day it should have been the day before!

Record 8: Shot

He was the only Security Guard in 1988 to get shot by an intruder.

IR03Record 9: Hernia repair

When he went into hospital to have his hernia tended to, they found he had bladder cancer, haemorrhoids and a prostate growth.

He still wonders how they found the haemorrhoids problem?

Record 10: In and out of hospital

IR04When he went in to have his new mechanical ticker valve done, they told him he’s be in for three to four nights.

After two nights they told him the bed was needed for an emergency and sent him home. He had to ring his sister and brother in law to give him a lift. Agony!


There are probably many more records that he holds, but he only got as far as this when he had to run to the WC and fell up the stairs.

The paramedic is with him now.

Inchcock Today: Monday 13th October 2014

 So, the little mite has new medical problems… Well fancy that!


Inchcock Today: Monday 13th October 2014

Up at 0415hrs tending the ‘Inch’ yet again.

01M04I’ve got to go see Dr Vindla this morning for it to be checked along with me blood pressure. Must remember to tell her about it leaking so much again and the raw tender swelling.

Down and made a cuppa – bit worried about me not wanting to eat in a morning nowadays? Took medications.

Hurried me LOMM posts and got em posted in about three hours. I hope they are alright, what with me concentration not being too good at the moment.

Dank dark and drizzly outside this morning – a bit like inside really! Hehehe

Awaiting Asda delivery. Hope it isn’t late or I might miss me Doctors appointment. Supposed to be here twixt 0700 and 0900 hrs?

Asda arrived with five substitutions on me order. Never mind, but I’ll have to give the substitute for me deodorant spray to Dr Vindla or the nurses because it is for women and the scent is a bit sweet like.

01M03Got myself sorted out latrine-wise, and set off to the surgery.

Heavy rain now.

Dr Vindla now concerned about me ‘Inch’ and told me to ring a number she gave for an appointment along with a letter, for the G.U.M. City Hospital Clinic. BP okay.

I’ll look up G.U.M. hang on a sec…

I’m back, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger, well…

Apparently G.U.M. stands for Genito-Urinary Medicine? Mmmm? Std? Not me, no chance surely?

Got back to the flea-pit and tried ringing them a few times but was put on hold every time with canned music, and a bloke telling me he is sorry to keep me waiting – please hold. Getting expensive this lark again.

I decided to go to the City hospital and take the letter and try to get an appointment in person. What’s the chances eh?

I think I can catch a bus from the City Hospital afterwards to the QMC Hospital straight through for my Warfarin level tests?

Ah well, out into the rain again…

I walked to the bus stop, arthritis in the knees not too bad this morning, but the ‘Inch’ is stinging somewhat and the hands are a bit bothersome with sticking and not wanting to do as I request of ‘em.

Well soaked in the rain, I boarded a bus and dropped off on Hucknall Road, and walked to the nearest of the five entrances to the site. Found a location site board and entered to have a gander at it to find the G.U.M. building.

01M04aaThe sign told me (It didn’t speak like, it was wot I read on it you understand like) I should be at entrance number 2 – so I walked back to look at the sign number at the entrance I’d just come through yer see.

It was number two, so I turned back to read the sign in more depth and  blow me down – the first building on front of me was the one I wanted… is me luck changing I thought?

I wearily entered and approached the chappie on reception. I explained it all to him and he made me an appointment for tomorrow morning at 1030hrs bless him.

01M04aI ask him where I could catch the Medi-link bus and he told me. So I caught it to the Queens Medical Centre. Got some more of me Operation Sea Lion book read en route.

Took another photo of the front of the 01M05premises to try and catch a bird that was unknown to me… but it shot off too soon.

Went in and got me INR blood level checks done.

They were not too busy, so I told them me tale and gave em a laugh and had a little natter with em… oh and gave em there nibbles.

01M05aI enjoyed that and felt a lot better in myself when I departed their company with a wave and good wishes.

Trundled along the being mended road and caught a bus back to town.

Still raining a bit.

The bus was very full and I was lucky to get a seat thank heavens.

The bus passengers sounded a sickly bunch, so many of the poor devils sneezing and coughing.


I got some good reading in on the way, and ate a pack of seaweed and a packet of savoury nibbles too. So maybe me appetite is returning?

I had a wander around town for a bit and wrote down me appointment for tomorrow and set me alarm to remind me on the mobile phone. When I was doing this a young chap next to me said: “You don’t see many of them models nowadays do you, how long have you had it – it still works does it?”

I replied: “Yes it still works for an old un just like me… just!” He laughed out loud. 

I love giving folk a laugh, or even just to make them smile.

Now in amazingly good spirits considering me current situation, I stood up to walk to the bus stop to catch one to Carrington… and how the idiot on a Mobility scooter missed clobbering me I don’t know! Tsk Tsk and Tsk!

Got home (If that is the right word for it?) made a cuppa, took me medications, set about updating this, then had a look at blogs and Facebook for a bit.

Tonight it should be Minced Beef Hotpot, followed by a mini pork pie then iced lollies. If all goes to plan of course.

GC blue f03TTFN all.