A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe – Part Three


 Created by once Britain’s highest EQ content of any other applicant for a job with UPS – he didn’t get the job, and is still wondering what exactly is EQ?

Aged Approx. 5:
* Learning from the midwife that Mother said “Throw it in the Trent (river)” when she delivered me, brushed away the cigarette ash, and handed me to her.
* Realising it is not nice to get thrown in a canal.
Being looked after by a fictional Auntie, who used to take hours to give me a bath, and threw in massages and tuition for free. (Ah… memories)
* The head (and the smell) of the escaped elephant as it rampaged past my open bedroom window.
Aged Approx. 6
* Mother popping out to the bookies, not to return for 4 years.
Aged Approx. 7
* Seeing the neighbours first toilet roll (Izal), but still preferring to cut up the Evening Post, (or Evening News if I could get it as it was softer) into squares to use.
Aged Approx. 8
* Seeing the neighbours massive, wood encased television set.
* Seeing the neighbours daughter Jane’s (name changed) nether regions.
Aged Approx. 9
* Finding out that the hot ashes and soot from the trains above the back yard on the viaduct at the station, could set fire to my hair.
Aged Approx. 9
* Going scrumping can get you locked in a police station cell for the day, then taken home by the bobby, then belted all over the place by your father.
Aged Approx. 10
* The first washing-up liquid (Squeezy) made great bubbles.
* Getting six of the best from the headmaster for fighting in the school playground – when all I did was to get beat up!
Aged Approx. 12
* Hearing of the Manchester United F.C. team plane crashing on take-off, and 21 of the 44 people on board are killed.
Aged Approx. 13
* Mother coming home again!
Aged 14
* Starting work – what a shock!


Coming soon – Part Four – Christmas 1955