The Joys of Ageing

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Ageing Quotes

One of the benefits of getting older is that for some obscure reason there lingers around the peripheries of most societies the quasi-folkloric idea that the old can be very wise. Frankly, this is too good an opportunity to miss. That’s because it provides you with a licence to talk cobblers dressed up in profundity.


You know you’re getting older when it takes you longer to get over having a good time than it took to have it!


Age steals away all things, even the mind.



Middle age: Later than you think and sooner than you expect.

Earl Wilson


We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse.  Anonymous


Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Jennifer Yane


 Zea, n:  A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

Ambrose Bierce


 At eighty-eight how do you feel when getting up in the morning? Amazed.

Ludwig von Mises 


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.



The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

Jerry M. Wright


 Don’t worry about temptation as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. Inchcock


Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do about it

Golda Meir


To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

Oscar Wilde


Selection small selection of Age Related Jokes ‘Wot I like’

Ageing01Talking  Ageing01Memory

Locket of Husbands Hair

 “I bought a new locket to keep a keep a lock of my husband’s hair in as a memento.”

“But your husband is still alive!”

“Yes I know, but his hair is gone.”



 Just before the funeral service for her husband, the undertaker approached the widow and asked: “How old was your husband?” She replied… “98, two years older than me”

“So you must be 96?” He replied.

“Yes.” The widow responded. “Hardly worth going home is it?”




The Senility Prayer

“Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do.

Oh…and the eyesight to tell the difference.”

 Ageing01tcp AgeToon02


“I’m not saying I’m getting older, but when I lit the candles on my last birthday cake, five people passed out from heat exhaustion.



You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.


Rocking Chair

You know you’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster.


Well Planned Life?

Two senior ladies met for the first time since they were at school together.

One asked the other, “You were always so organised in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?”

 “Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”

Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”

She sang in Reply:

“One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready, and four to go.”

 AgeToon05 AgeToon04

The Haunting Promise

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

 The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

 Neighbours feared him, and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88 and his wife had a closed casket at the funeral.

 After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

 The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t ask for directions.”


Senior Citizens having a natter over coffee

A group of old folks sat talking at the Community Centre coffee morning.

“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

One shouted “speak up my hearing aid battery has gone!”

“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank goodness we can all still drive.”

Scary this one!

A Nottingham Lads True Tales of Woe – Part Four


 The first Christmas I can remember after dearest Mother had skedaddled, leaving me and Dad in peace.

ColanderDad being Dad, and not inclined to spend money unless it was absolutely vital, did get me a few Christmas presents though – a packet of the new fire-lighters (Tik-Tac, remember them?), a second hand pair of gloves, a screwdriver, half a roll of lino, and a colander to strain the potatoes for his dinner.

He departed to the local Cricketer’s Arms (Davenports Ale) to support the brewing industry, and left me to get his dinner ready for 1300hrs.

By the time I’d got the fire lit and ‘going’, the meal cooking, and the radio set to the light programme for him to listen to the Queens Christmas speech, it left me just enough time to cut up some toilet squares out of the Nottingham Evening News, before he returned.

We ate the meal with little conversation, then as I was ‘washing the pots’, not an easy task without washing up liquid, getting hot water from the boiled kettle and pans, and the top of the sink about level with me chin!

Vintage cast iron flat iron(Cooking on the stove involved me having to stand on an upturned biscuit tin to reach everything – and as for heating the iron on the rings…) 

Dad listened to his ‘Family Favourites’ on the radio. By the time I’d cleared up, he was fast asleep, snoring gently. So much for his wanting to hear the Queens speech!

I delved into the larder under the stairs, in search of fodder to get ready for our tea, and found the Corned Beef had ‘gone off’, so opened a tin of Spam instead.

I nipped out to the Chapel, but must have got the times wrong, as no one was there.

I returned home.

Dad stirred about 1700hrs, and demanded his ‘cuppa’. I duly obliged.

After eating our tea, I again ‘washed up’, and Dad went off to sleep again. Safe I thought to go out to see a neighbour and mate… or should I say ‘go out to play?

As I approached number ten, I heard confusing sounds emanating from within – later confirmed as laughter and sounds from a TV.

I was admitted, and they had a Christmas tree with decorations all over the place. I found so many people in the front room it scared me, these fears were alleviated after I was informed they were members of the family. They fed me real turkey, sprouts, the pudding, biscuits, and something called mulled wine?

The TV fascinated me! (Never saw one before)

I swayed unsteadily on me feet back to number 4, with a minced pie.

Dad was still asleep.

I joined him in the other chair.

Dad woke up, ate the minced pie, and returned to his brewery supporting activities at the Cricketer’s Arms.

MurphyRadioI listened to the Navy Lark, and Hancock’s Half-Hour on the radio.

Dad returned with a bottle of lemonade for me, and gave me a shilling for Christmas (5p)!

Dad retired.

I retired, despite everything, happy and content.

Funny how easily pleased I was in those days.

Coming soon:

A Nottingham Lad’s True Tales of Woe – Part Five

Fire in the Backyard