One of the benefits of getting older is that for some obscure reason there lingers around the peripheries of most societies the quasi-folkloric idea that the old can be very wise. Frankly, this is too good an opportunity to miss. That’s because it provides you with a licence to talk cobblers dressed up in profundity.
You know you’re getting older when it takes you longer to get over having a good time than it took to have it!
Age steals away all things, even the mind.
Middle age: Later than you think and sooner than you expect.
We are young only once, after that we need some other excuse. Anonymous
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Zea, n: A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.
At eighty-eight how do you feel when getting up in the morning? Amazed.
Ludwig von Mises
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation, as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
Jerry M. Wright
Don’t worry about temptation as you grow older, it starts avoiding you. Inchcock
Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do about it
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
Selection small selection of Age Related Jokes ‘Wot I like’
Locket of Husbands Hair
“I bought a new locket to keep a keep a lock of my husband’s hair in as a memento.”
“But your husband is still alive!”
“Yes I know, but his hair is gone.”
Just before the funeral service for her husband, the undertaker approached the widow and asked: “How old was your husband?” She replied… “98, two years older than me”
“So you must be 96?” He replied.
“Yes.” The widow responded. “Hardly worth going home is it?”
The Senility Prayer
“Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do.
Oh…and the eyesight to tell the difference.”
“I’m not saying I’m getting older, but when I lit the candles on my last birthday cake, five people passed out from heat exhaustion.
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
You know you’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you used to get from a roller coaster.
Well Planned Life?
Two senior ladies met for the first time since they were at school together.
One asked the other, “You were always so organised in school, did you manage to live a well planned life?”
“Oh yes,” said her friend. “My first marriage was to a millionaire. My second marriage was to an actor. My third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?”
She sang in Reply:
♫“One for the money, two for the show. three to get ready, and four to go.” ♫
The Haunting Promise
An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbours feared him, and the old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 88 and his wife had a closed casket at the funeral.
After the burial, her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”
The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t ask for directions.”
Senior Citizens having a natter over coffee
A group of old folks sat talking at the Community Centre coffee morning.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
One shouted “speak up my hearing aid battery has gone!”
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another went on.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank goodness we can all still drive.”
Scary this one!