Inchcock Today: Birthday Boy 28th August 2014

28th August 201431st August 2014 / Inchie / 4 Comments

Hanging onto the chair this time to stop himself tumbling over

Thursday 29th August 2014

Last evening, sister Jane rang me up to see if I was going to take a couple of buses and visit her today.

Odd thought I. It was then she asked me if I’d forgotten it was me birthday. I told her “Of course not Jane… cough cough…”

It seemed that I kept springing awake every half hour throughout the night, remembering I’d had a horrible dream each time I’d nodded off.

I had wanted to awake in time to listen on Radio4 extra’s programme ‘Hat’s Off’ Series 2 Episode 1 of 4 Maureen Lipman compiles and reinterprets monologues, letters and songs originally written and performed by Joyce Grenfell.

But no. Around 0350hrs I drifted off and slept until 0620hrs and missed it. Tsk and bother!

I peeped out of the bedroom window, raining/drizzle, and a mob of about 11 yob’s walking down the centre of the street. Luckily they kept walking. Early morning muggers, or late drinkers perhaps?

By 0650hrs, I was on the laptop and drinkin’ a cup of me newly purchased English Tea. (Not as good as I thought though, not very strong but they’ll do.)

Had a go on wordpress and facebook for a bit, then went up to do me ablutions and readying missen for me trip to see Jane and Pete.

I noticed that Google had put some cakes on their browser, with the words ‘Happy Birthday Gerald’ on em. This stirred my foggy mind, and I had a peep which other famous (Cough cough) folk had been born in August like wot I was: Hermann Göring (same day), Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rudolph Hess, David Bowie, Napoleon Bonaparte, Obersturmbannführer August Becker, Robert De Niro, Davy Crockett, Friedrich Schumann (Killed six people and executed), Deng Xiaoping, Evander Law (Confederate General) and Nikolai Dzhumagaliev Kazakh (Who killed and ate 8 women. Judged insane). Oh, and Shaun Connery.

It’s a shame for em that they couldn’t have been a little more successful like wot I am really.

Must remember to phone Jane before I set out, to see if me timing for the visit is okay with her.

Went on Facebook and got many birthday wishes that I appreciated, and Andy from the USA emailed me greetings. Course I’m still sat here on me own on the laptop. Depressed me, no not so bad really?

Got missen ready then I called Jane, it was arranged I’d get there (at their mansion) for about 1200hrs.

But, the best laid plans and all that…

A cracker of a card from Jane and Pete

Last job before leaving was to put me hearing aids in, but the tubes were missing. It was then I remembered I’d taken em out to soak em like, but could I find them? No!

He’s alright now, took his midday tablets. Still hanging on this time to the worktop to stop himself going over, bless him!

The postman called while I was searching, no cards in the mail, but then again there hasn’t been any for donkeys years now, no bother, no sweat. Mind you, the one I collected from JAne and Pete was a cracker!

Aha… found the tubes… where you ask (or should have). In the washing up bowl under the pots of course. No idea why. Took em out and gave em a good rinse, fitted em and I was off out.

Caught bus to town, then second bus out to West Bridgford.

The rain trickled down as I walked to their house.

We had a natter about nothing, but it was interesting. Pete showed me how his mobile phone can take wide shots. So I asked him to take a couple with me at the end, which he did.

Onion’s Jane wanted – Lidl fail again

The Feature Pic at the top of this page was taken by Pete, and doctored by Inchy… oh, that’s me!

Jane asked me if I would try to get her some onions in oil like wot I got her last month – this meant a visit to Lidl on the way home for me.

I managed to smile through the depression and pain for Pete to take a photo. Might be worth something in a few years when I’m dead and become famous yer know… or not.

A cuppa another natter, and I hobbled off on me walk to town to catch the bus back to the flea bitten hovel. (Thank heavens for the pensioners free bus pass!)

The walk to town took about 40 minutes, and me feet ached something chronic – then the rain started. Then the angina played up. Then me knees played up.

I had a walk (limp really) around town a bit, managing to avoid the multitudinous disability scooters, big issue sellers, cyclists on the pavement and Jehovah witnesses.

Did it rain? Yes!

The rain really started pouring for a few minutes as I was crossing the road to catch the bus back.

I dropped off early, and nipped into Lidl, but they had not got any in what Jane wanted. Phoned Jane to inform her. I’ll have a walk to another Lidl tomorrow to see if they have any in for her.

Inchcock managed a smile through his pain

Yobs lurking as I got home, but no hassle as yet.

I’m going to have a veg and meat pastie, instant mash with cheese, garden peas followed by yogurt and an orange sucker… and they say I’m not refined eh? I bet the Queen isn’t gonna eat any better than me tonight… maybe. Mind you, she’ll be cooking it or washing up afterwards will she? God bless her cotton socks.

Health-wise it has not been a good day, otherwise okay. Can’t have it all ways can we.

Tut!

Inchcock’s True Tales of Woe: Part25 Twenty feet below Prince Charles in hospital

27th August 2014 / Inchie / 3 Comments

Twenty feet below Prince Charles, in the QMC Hospital, Nottingham

Inchcock listening to Radio 4 Extra

I was, lying in a bed in the busy Ward E19 in the Queens Medical Centre, just after having had surgery, to repair a hernia, and treat prostate cancer. I was listening to the radio.

Tubes were extruding from various regions of body.

Particularly cumbersome was the drainage tube from my ‘Inch’, which at that time the bruising had swelled to such a degree I would have been happy to put up with if only it would have stayed that size.

For the life of me I can’t understand how they managed to get a camera and lazer down their!

Prince Charles, who had the Ward above to himself, with two nurses and a Sister in attendance 24 hours a day – with me 20 feet below in Ward E19, who couldn’t get a bed pan! Bothered, jealous… me?

On the floor directly above the ward, was the ward where that Prince Charles had to himself, and two nurses, and a Sister in attendance 24 hours a day, to have his tennis elbow looked at.

I was lying in extreme physical stress below, pressing the button for twenty minutes to get a bedpan! Then stuggle down the ward with me attachments hanging, to find that that WC was occupied! More later on that one.

The talk of the ward was the imminent arrival of Princess Diana to visit Prince Charles.

As I lay painfully awaiting another bedpan, the staff and patients were more interested in seeing ‘Lady Di’.

A student nurse arrived at my bedside and nervously informed me she had come to remove one of the drainage tubes, the tube from my little used, lesser endowed lonely lower regions.

She set about trying to release the valve to drain the air from it, she was so nervous (not her fault) the more she shook the pain increased – I was about to say something about this, when a great whoops and shouts of “Look it’s LadyPrincess Die” came from those who were looking out of the window down to the ground level outside, and there was a massive surge of staff and mobile patients to the East windows – indeed I feared the building might topple!

Inchcock – Worried, embarrassed or what?

Unfortunately, and unforgettably my student nurse was amongst those Royalists so keen to see her, and as she ran to the window to join the others, she took the tube with her, leaving me in great pain, and covered in blood and urine!

Afterwards, when she realised what she’d done, the poor thing burst into tears, and begged to be forgiven. Some ‘fully trained’ nurses appeared, and sent for a doctor, who arranged for me to have some X-rays, and I was transported to the radiology department, where I spent a good two hours in a draughty corridor waiting to be seen to.

When I was eventually returned to the ward, I’d missed the meal, and still wanted to use the bedpan!

I climbed into the bed, the nurse reminding me drink plenty of water all the time to get my bladder working.

I got my book out to read, by the time I’d read a chapter, I felt a warm wet sensation appeared between my legs. A quick peep, and the blood all over me and the bed, I pressed me red button, and eventually someone arrived – and boy did I get a rollicking off of ‘em for making a mess.

They grumpily cleaned up the bed and me, and almost threw me back into the newly cleaned bed.

Oh dear…

After a few beakers of water were imbibed, I felt the need for the WC – I hobbled painfully trying to stop any leaks, to the WC, it took ages. Unfortunately it was occupied.

I limped walking painfully cross legged to the one at the other end of the ward… it was torture really. As I got in front of the bowl, boy did me bladder release its contents. It was like a fire hose, painfully belting out and hitting the wall behind the WC, and rebounding back at me, covering me in blood, and leaving an outline of my body on the wall behind me!

Embarrassed, oh so embarrassed, I tried to clean some of it up with toilet paper, both rolls were used up in minutes.

By then, they had missed me cause it was time for me medications, and a nurse opened the door and said: “Are you in there Mr … oh good heavens!

I was again cleaned up, and lodged beck into the bed.

Inchcock was in great fear!

I thought the rollicking I got last time was fierce, but this one made me cringe.

I remember thinking at the time:

“I do so hope that Prince Charles’s tennis elbow was getting better, and he enjoyed his wife’s visit!”

Inchcock Today: Tuesday 26th August 2014

27th August 2014 / Inchie / Leave a comment

I was up at 0400hrs – blood from me Inch and rear quarters again. Got missen sorted, cleaned and antiseptically creamed. (Sound awful dunnit? But it’s alright… honest.)

Did me ablutions of all types and down the stairs and put the laptop on.

Back upstairs to the WC.

Back downstairs, put kettle on, took rubbish out, then had a cuppa and went on internet… for a few minutes until BT connection started playing up again. Tsk!

I place an order with Morrison’s for delivery twixt 0630 > 0730 in the morning. I used my £15 off Voucher.

I was going to the launderette, Nottingham Hospice charity shop, then QMC Anticoagulation (Warfarin level) blood test unit today – but I had some dizzy spells whilst sat down this morning. So I decided to call at the NHS Call-in centre and get appointment for the doctor. When I go there first (before the GPs surgery), they usually call the surgery and get me a quicker appointment.

Nottingham City – The Queen of the Midlands

I’ll take me stuff to the Age Concern charity shop today instead, because it’s on the way to the NHS centre in town.

Got missen lookin’ pretty and smelling nice, and set off on the walk into town.

I called in on the way at the launderette, had a chat with Mandy and Big John.

On me walk, I noticed how appealing some of the properties were on Mansfield Road, and took a couple of photo’s of them. I think these properties are why Nottingham City Council call it ‘Nottingham City – The Queen of the Midlands’ (Hehehe!)

I realised as I got in town, that I had not got me mobile with me, and considered having it with me as most important and needed, in the event of my getting mugged again, or collapsing and it being there to call for help!

A bargain here methinks. Mobile and £20 air-time for ££29.95. Old type phone mind, but owt newer would confuse me?

So I called in the O₂shop on Clumber Street to see how much a Pay-as-you-go phone would cost me. But no one moved when I entered the shop, just gave me suspicious looks?

So I limped over to Victoria Shopping Centre and called in the first mobile shop I came to ‘Phones 4 U’, and was approached on entry by a chap who immediately reminded me of ‘Private Walker’ from ‘Dads Army’ Nudge nudge, wink wink type like!

Anyway, he soon got sorted with a phone for £9.95, set it up and got it going like for me. I bought £20 air-time I think they call it, so got it all for £29.95. Even if he was a little unenthusiastic about it. So now, I can keep it in me bag all the time, and know if I do forget me main one, I’ll have a life-line. (5p a minute) All I’ve got to do, he says, is make one call a month. What do you think? Did I do right?

QMC this morning

So off the charity shop and donated me bits.

Then to the NHS centre. Bless ‘em, they got me an appointment for the morning with the GP.

Then I was off to catch the bus to the hospital.

Read a bit of me Eric Morecome book en route. The sunshine is out now, so in celebration I took a photo of the entrance.

Bulwell’s bustling market?

They soon saw to me, and I was out (Raining now) and in the queue for Bulwell bus.

Arrived in Bulwell, limped off the bus (Me knees had stiffened during the ride)

The crap Market was on today. I went in the pound shop to get some weed-killer.

Then a walk to the cheapo shop, but they had nowt worth bothering about in again.

Gorgeous!

Then to Fultons Frozen Food shop, and got another pack of the microwave sausages. (Oh I do love em!) I hope I can get me frozen lollies in the freezer that I ordered for tomorrow. (Yer see, any normal person, would not have bothered to share that with you would they – Worrying innit?)

Mobility scooters were around in number today… oh dear.

Great read this

I limped to the bus station to catch the 17 back to the flea-pit, big queue. Read more of Eric Morecombe book.

Dropped off at Carrington, walked to the hovel.

Put kettle on, started laptop.

WC.

A constant danger to hobbling Inchcock these!

Had a search for me mobile – no luck yet, but I’m sure I saw it earlier this morning.

WC.

Started to do this blog.

WC.

Found mobile in bathroom. Why I didn’t think earlier of looking between the shaving foam and fresh air sprays I’ll never know. I’m glad I did though, because I also found me spare glasses.

Huh!

Inchcock Checks Out His Medications

26th August 201426th August 2014 / Inchie / 3 Comments

The magazine review:

I think this worried Inchcock a bit?

Warfarin (a colourless, crystalline, water-insoluble anticoagulant, C19H16O4) Introduced in 1948 as a pesticide against rats and mice, and is still used for this purpose.

Warfarin was found to be effective and relatively safe for preventing thrombosis and thromboembolism in many disorders. It was approved for use as a medication in 1954, and has remained popular ever since; Warfarin is the most widely prescribed oral anticoagulant drug.

Not too encouraging a review here for Inchcock!

Despite its effectiveness, the treatment with Warfarin has several shortcomings. Many commonly used medications interact with Warfarin, as do some foods (particularly leaf vegetable foods or “greens,” since these typically contain large amounts of vitamin K1) and its activity has to be monitored by blood testing for the international normalised ratio (INR) to ensure an adequate yet safe dose is taken.

A high INR predisposes to a high risk of bleeding, while an INR below the therapeutic target indicates the dose of Warfarin is insufficient to protect against thromboembolic events, and may encourage blood clotting.

When you take Warfarin, your blood won’t clot as easily. If you accidentally cut yourself while taking Warfarin, you may bleed heavily. You’re more likely to have bleeding problems if you’re older than 75 or take other blood-thinning medications that can further increase your bleeding risk.

Warfarin side effects that require immediate medical attention

1) Severe bleeding

Inchcock Not affected at the moment

2) Black stool or bleeding from the rectum

Inchcock affected: Went to see GP, told he had haemorrhoids.

3) Skin conditions such as hives, a rash or itching

Inchcock affected: Mentioned to GP, who prescribed the old git Cetraben cream.

4) Swelling of the face, throat, mouth, legs, feet or hands

Inchcock affected: GP prescribed Furozamide water tablets.

5) Bruising that comes about without an injury you remember

Inchcock affected: Occasionally this happen. Inchcock notices sometimes in a morning, he puts this down to the nightmares he has nightly might have caused him to toss about a bit. He sleeps on the floor to ease his back pain you see.

6) Chest pain or pressure

Inchcock affected: GP put this down to his Angina and Reflux valve, and increased his Angina medication dosage.

7) Nausea or vomiting

Inchcock Not affected:

8) Fever or flu-like symptoms

Inchcock affected: He tells me these seem to be ever present.

9) Joint or muscle aches

Inchcock affected: GP told him to expect these and his Arthritis doesn’t help.

10) Diarrhoea

Inchcock Not affected:

11) Difficulty moving

Inchcock affected: He says every day can be different. As the CP suggested, he gets out for a hobble as often as his condition allows him to. Three/four times a week. Dizzy spells can be a bother to him though.

12) Numbness or tingling in any part of your body

Inchcock affected: Hands fingers and feet are the worst affected.

13) Painful erection lasting four hours or longer

Inchcock affected: Boy of boy… yes, every night! Hence the current bleeding on his Inch.

14) Severe dizziness

Inchcock affected: Not regular pattern, but some days it can be incapacitating to Inchy. GP changed amounts of some of his medications, but the dizzy spells continue.

15) Trouble breathing

Inchcock affected: GP puts this down to his angina and reflux valve.

Less serious Warfarin side effects to tell your doctor about

1) Explosive and unexpected emissions of wind from the anus.

Inchcock affected: Boy is he affected! GP told him to expect this due to the Warfarin, his Reflux Valve sticking and his earlier cancer operation.

2) Feeling cold

Inchcock affected: GP told him to expect this.

3) Fatigue

Inchcock affected: Hence the old man’s falling asleep at any given time. That’s why he lost his driving licence, and nowadays falls asleep at his laptop, on the bus, in the hospital waiting room etc.

4) Pale skin

Inchcock affected: So much so he told me he thought he’d died the other day when he woke up and looked in the mirror.

5) Changes in the way foods taste

Inchcock affected: He has found himself liking food he did not like before going on Warfarin.

6) Hair loss

Inchcock affected: Although his being bald headed makes this a tad difficult to monitor, his chest and underarm hairs have diminished, and his moustache is turning grey.

Although rare, Warfarin can also cause skin tissue death (necrosis) and gangrene requiring amputation. This complication most often happens three to eight days after you start taking Warfarin. If you notice any sores, changes in skin colour or temperature, or severe pain on your skin, notify your doctor immediately.

Inchcock wrote in a very unsteady hand that he had considered looking into the side effect of his many other medications… but had decided against it.

Inchcock Today: Mon 25th Aug 14

25th August 2014 / Inchie / Leave a comment

Monday 25th August 2014

A nice trip out for the old git

Drizzly day

Woke about 0400hrs, couldn’t nod off again. Lay there thinking of the horrible dreams I’d been having. Thought I might record em on this bog. By the time I’d gotten downstairs made a cuppa and me porridge, I couldn’t remember em, huh!

BT internet in and out again this morning.

Inchcock gets mechanical

Found missed call, voice-mail message (that I could not hear), and text message from Big John Wayne me mate. Said he’s going to Papplewick Pumping Station today, and he will ring me in the morning (today).

Got some blogging done despite BTs best attempts to foil and frustrate me completely.

Big John cautious with the horse

Rang BJ, and agreed to go with him and his better half Julie.

I had to be at his dwelling a 1230hrs.

Did me ablutions (No blood, hurrah!). Dizzy spell whilst having a wash and shave.

Set off on me walk to Sherwood to BJs house.

Inchcock looking happy (Worrying that!)

We set of and got to Papplewick about 1300hrs.

Great walk about, and natter to many folk there. Despite the rain, we all enjoyed it, me very much so. Nice to get out with someone to talk to.

Fed the fish in the pond. Fussed a horse in the WW1 display, and it didn’t bite or kick me either!

Inchcock pretends he is talking to someone

I got back about 1605hrs, BJ dropped me off at the house.

Made cuppa, and got laptop going to update this blog.

BT internet in and out again.

Later, did some microwave sausage sandwiches for me nosh.

By gum, I live the good life yer know… or not?

I actually made a friend today at Papplewick Pumping Station yer know… her was big, hairy, had four legs, big teeth, and wafted her tail in my direction…

Inchcock’s new friend. Daisy!

TTFN all.

Inchcock’s Local Elections Survey – From hospital!

24th August 2014 / Inchie / Leave a comment

Reporter Juan Inchcock’s Interviews Hospital Staff and Patients

Juan had originally been out on his mission to obtain the views of the Nottingham public, on the upcoming Local Elections, while the July to August 2012 Olympics were taking place, but he suffered failure in that attempt when he was injured as a Mobility Scooter knocked him over, as he was out trying to get people’s views on the upcoming local elections for the WordPress Failed Writer’s Gazette’s Juan Inchcock Column – Local Elections Survey. Hence this, his second effort, done during his stay in ward E19 of the QMC hospital in Nottingham, as a result of his injuries received during his first attempt.

As soon as he started to come around after the hernia operation, he was again, on the job. Pen and pad at his bedside, ready to record the views of the NHS staff on the local elections.

His first victim to be interviewed was male nurse Mahmood Shafquat (23), who was returning the intrepid patient’s replacement urine bag, when pen in hand, Juan inquired of him:

“Do you have any views on the upcoming local elections in Nottingham that you’d like to share with readers of the WordPress Failed Writers Gazette Sir?”

“Too very busy!” was the reply, as he rushed off back to the rest room TV set, leaving behind him the aroma of cigarette smoke.

Moments later, a smiling SEN arrived with the medication chest, and started to issue Inchy with his prescribed tablets. He asked her for her views:

“Oh… will this be going on the internet then?”

“Well, yes I hope so” Inchy replied

“Good, that bastard Cameron and his shitty-headed rich snotty unelected set of champagne guzzling spoon-in-the-mouth gits should be assassinated, murdered, killed painfully, have their knobs chopped off, and be deported to Outer Mongolia, the scum bags, the punks, the nasty nihilistical knob-ends…”

A shaken Juan waited until she had finished her tirade then replied “Oh… well it was the local elections that I wanted to know your views about really nurse.”

She did not flinch from carrying out her duties and continuing to dispense the medications she said:

“It’s time we had a revolution you know, it should start here in crime ridden filthy Nottingham, knock-off the crooked councillors while the 280 Nottingham policemen are in London policing the Olympics, it should be easy, I can give you a contact number if you want to help us?”

A now severely confused Juan said:

“That’s alright thank you, I’ve got that down.”

The nurse then handed him a plastic cup of water, smiled gently and handed him his tablets saying “Now take these down Mr Inchcock, and take care now. See you later old timer.”

She moved on to the next bed, leaving our reporter dazed.

A Dr Inzamam Choudhury (41) from Gastroenterology visited Inchcock’s bed, and he was asked by Inchcock: “Do you have any views on the upcoming local elections in Nottingham that you’d like to share with readers of the WordPress Failed Writers Gazette please Sir?”

“Good heavens no, I live in Richmond and commute each day… you don’t think I’d live here in Nottingham do you?”

He was still laughing as he left the ward an hour later.

A little later, an Auxiliary Nurse informed the patients that could walk, that the food was ready to be collected at the end of the ward.

Juan got out of bed, and masterfully coped with the zimmer frame and saline drip stand with the accompanying tubes, and waddled down to get his food, pen and pad in his pyjama pocket.

The assistant issuing the food, being his target for an interview, he waited until the ‘rush’ died down, and asked his question, getting the reply from the large, aggressive beauty behind the food trays:

“What? Why do you want to know? Do you think I’ve got time to talk with the likes of you? Sod off!”

He struggled back down the corridor to his bed, really rather glad she had not given him any food, because he now realised he could not have carried it anyway.

Then, a Hygiene technician started to clean under Inchy’s bed, and he asked her what her views were on the upcoming local elections. She replied:

“Are you talking to me ducks?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind?”

“Bless yer” she replied, bent down an gave Inchy a kiss on his bald head, and walked away laughing?

The Senior Charge Nurse Lance Boyle (36) informed him that Dr Seymour Butt from Psychiatry was coming to have a talk with Inchy!

Once more confused, Juan thought at least he might be able to get the doctors views on the local elections.

The doctor arrived, drew the curtains around the bed, smiled and asked Juan to drop his pyjama bottoms, and started to examine in detail what had been exposed.

Juan took the chance to ask the doctor what his views were on the local elections.

The doctor carried on with his fondling and prodding, and replied:

“Not a lot, but I suppose the council has to be run by someone. They get a lot of stick I’m told…”

At this point Juan wondered why a doctor from the Psychiatry department had got his wedding tackle in his hands, and was smiling!”

Still, it was all over within an hour and a half and the Doctor patted Inchy on his head, thanked him, popped a polo mint in his mouth and wandered off?

At this stage, Inchy gave up his quest for people’s views on the upcoming local elections.

Inchcock Today: Saturday 23rd August 2014

23rd August 2014 / Inchie / 2 Comments

Friday 22nd August 2014

Awoke, well tired and nervous for an unknown reason.

Did some blogging, and spent the rest of the day at the laptop doing graphics for later.

Bad day.

Saturday 23rd August 2014

Up around 0400hrs.

WC – much blood I’m afraid again. Tsk!

Cold this morning. Warmed up searching around for me hearing aids, eventually finding them on top of a packet of tea-bags? (Where else? I shouldhave known!).

Laptop on (Eventually), made cuppa, didn’t feel hungry. Mind you, last night I think it was a matter of me wanting comfort food. I ate 6 microwave sausages with a tin of beans, and much bread. Followed by a yogurt and iced lollies! Oh, and some seaweed too.

Managed to get me Conservatives Support post done, but it was hard work with me Arthur Itis bothering me fingers somewhat.

I read some blogs, there is some great stuff to read on WordPress you know.

I intend to have a good walk to and around town today, get me joints going a bit, I’ll take the camera of course. (Well… if I remember that is),

Not feeling too bright at the moment.

I decided to take me annual bath. (Joking…joking, I had one a month ago!) I’m always a bit weary, because I had a dizzy when getting out last year, and I did missen a fair bit of damage yer know.

WC.

Had a shave, then I wallowed and scrubbed a bit in the bath, then extricated missen from the bath without harm.

Dried off, and a good spray of Brute. Creams on me bottom, buttocks, arms, hands and knees as instructed. Pain gel on me knees and hands. And I tended to me Inch wound.

As I was moving the heater, unfortunately I dropped it on me toe. (Fancy that I said!)

WC.

I got dressed and hobbled downstairs, deciding not to go for any long walks after all, but take a shorter one due to me digit being wounded like. Put kettle on for half a cuppa.

Decided to walk into Sherwood, and take some more bits for the Nottingham Hospice Shop. Bought a book while I was there: ‘The Essential Spike Milligan.

The sky looked a bit threatening on the way.

Then caught bus to town, and walked through city to Broad Marsh bus station. Where I caught the bus out to Derby. Read some of me Spike book en route.

Fed the ducks and pigeons, had a wander around. There was a nasty accident near the council offices.

Caught bus to Mansfield. Read some more of me Spike book.

The sky was still looking threatening, but no rain yet through the sunshine.

As I was walking towards the market to see if they had any fresh pod peas today, a rather unruly collection of youths fell out of a pub doorway, assisted by the bouncers I think, and started pasting away at each other – I changed me mind and hobbled back to the bus station, and caught a bus back to Carrington.

I read a bit of my Eric Morecombe book on the way back to the flea-pit.

Getting dark clouds now, but still no rain.

Dropped off the bus and walked, well limped to the hovel.

No yobs on the street when I got back, that was nice.

WC.

Made a cuppa, started laptop to update this tosh.

Trying to post this, and the bloody BT link went altogether, had to wait half an hour fer it to come back… Grrrr!

Ah… the rain cometh now.

Letter in Support of the Conservative Party: From Claudia Cuthberstone-Featherstonehaugh (née Fontleberry)

23rd August 201423rd August 2014 / Inchie / Leave a comment

Dearly beloved David Cameron,

I am a lifelong member and active supporter of the Conservative party, is indeed Mater, Pater and Nanny Amelia were.

I envisage the only way for us to gain a foothold in the Socialist untermensch voting areas, is the bourgeoisification of the lower order of the species.

I am aware that this concept may seem revolutionary in certain quarters. Please allow me to annotate my ideas further with appurtenance.

As we are all apprehend, the apathetic unindustrious benefit seeking majority of the Labour voters, are quiet content as long as they can obtain their Child Benefits, their pints and afford the odd bet at the bookmakers, these things go as said naturally.

What the gorgeously delicious Mr Cameron is failing to do, is to recognise the importance of these factors. It is essential that new false promises are advanced and presented to the proletariat with great extemporaneousness.

Suggestions compiled, I agree with a certain captiousness, by my local Conservative Appreciation Society here in East London:

* At the voting booths, we could offer vouchers for anyone voting Tory, for a free pint of lager, ale whatever it’s called. (Nothing to do with the delectable and Honourable George Gideon Oliver Osborne, having shares in three brewery’s).

* Hand-out a ‘Join Barclays Bank now, and get a free £1.50 voucher to use against any future mortgage applied for though Barclays.’ (Nothing to do with eleven MPs or their family members being paid ‘Advisors’ to Barclays whatever).

We appreciate that the kind Mr Cameron is already in the process of dismantling the police force and the NHS, and agree that both are a luxury that the plebians do not appreciate. But are we as a party making this plain to the scum masses? We really ought to be putting advertisements in the Daily Mirror, informing the unemployed and illegal immigrants that by our reducing the size of the police service can only be to their benefit. They can now steal, mug, rob and riot etc with so much more ease and far less risk of ever being caught! Thus encouraging those with a vote, to vote Conservative?

I hope these suggestions are adopted and they encourage many of the educationally lesser endowed morons to use their vote for their own benefit.

Yours

Claudia Cuthberstone-Featherstonehaugh (née Fontleberry)

Alien’s Begging Letter to Home from Nottingham Translated

22nd August 2014 / Inchie / 2 Comments

Inchcock Interview Alien Splgrhgh

Nottingham reporter and wicker-bottom chair repairer Juan Inchcock, has deciphered a letter meant for despatch to another planet, by an alien who had to make an emergency landing on earth, in the Nottingham Council Benefits Office toilets. (Currently under review for closure)

Here is the Juan translated wording:

Dear Mother & Father,

Just to let you know that I am safe after the Lunarzodiac 1066510437 Transportation Vehicle crash landed on the planet Earth.

The kind earthlings attempted to rescue me when I crash landed… I think?

I landed on a little island called Britain (Although some of the population are out in jail and fined for calling it England?) in a built up locality known as Nottingham, in the centre of the island.

The kind local people must have seen I was in trouble, and broke into the building to try and rescue me.

The many locals immediately took away my damaged LTV-vehicle parts, and I assumed by way of a greeting and welcome, there were many of their land vehicles with blue flashing lights and klaxons in celebration of my safe landing.

They belted me around the head several times, presumably to make me feel at home with the others taking part in what I now know is bi-annual festival they observe here in their summer, as depicted by one of the placards one of their younger rings in the nose types in a gang of 40 or so who were playfully chasing, and throwing lit torches at two men in uniform in one of the vehicles that had the blue flashing lights on top, as they sped away, was carrying that read ‘Blood & Fear’, known as ‘Riots’.

I have been here a long while now, and have discovered many things about this race called, humans, and their habits and ways.

Different nations of the globe use different kinds of ‘currency’ for trading, pleasure, and killing each other. It seems those with the most currency live longer, can get medical help quicker, and tend to be the ruling class of the planet.

Every few years, their leaders send the lower classes to commit something called genocide on the peoples of other nations?

It appears they are now running out of oil, fuels, and common sense.

I have also found out that many of our own criminals have landed here over the years, and taken new identities: Judas Iscariot, Caligula, Mao Si Tung, Joseph Stalin, Adolph Hitler, Idi Amin, Tony Blair and David Cameron being amongst the names they adopted.

They call this liquid Guinness – it gives the drinker of sufficient quantities a feeling like space-lag they tell me

They drink beverages, like the ‘Beer’ that was cheap until recently, and enjoyed by their proletariat classes, despite their desire to swear, fight, and have a curry and be sick afterwards. And hot burning liquids, called ‘Spirits’ which destroys the livers of the better off ones.

When the lower order of their species get their ‘Benefit currency’, they go straight to what they call a ‘Bookmaker’ and donate much of it to him. Apparently giving it to multiple bets, place, win, each-way, double, treble, accumulator, or a round robin.

I have yet to find out why, but this seems to make a Mr Coral, Mr Ladbrooke, Mr Betfred, and Mr Paddy Power so happy.

I have noticed that the ‘Britains’ seem to collect many peoples from other countries, Pakistan, Kurdistan, Poland, Jamaica, Lithuania, Romania etc. This causes difficulties in their understanding each other. But they seem to get on fairly well. And the locals kindly put out green bins on the pavements for the others to sort through each day. I think these are a generous people.

Some of the younger ones do not get enough food, education, or ‘Currency’ to exist very well. Others have enough of everything, even making servants of other well ‘Currencied’ beings, by making them fags?

Those in charge, are crooked, cruel and inconsiderate, but the masses don’t seem to mind, as long as they get their Benefit cheque, child allowance, Coronation Street, Football, sex, and ‘A good piss up once a week’.

I have decided to come home to Eruxtrasphere One in a few weeks time.

This is due to an impending disaster in the capital of the country, when they hold something called ‘The World Cup’ there.

This is where I’ll be waiting to get collected from… Please!

I read that the BNP will be out protesting, the Muslim Brotherhood will be out protesting, Al Qaeda will be out protesting, the Keep the Police Stations Open Protesters will be out protesting, the striking Teachers will be out protesting, the Failed Asylum Seekers Support Groups will be out protesting, the Respect party members will be out protesting, the We Love Greggs Supporters will be out protesting, and Argentina and Iran may well be attacking the country in the same month!

I will be at the number 17 bus stop in Bulwell Market in Nottingham between 1100hrs and 1200hrs daily from June first.

Please come and collect me!

Love Splgrhgh

XXX

Inchcock Today: Thursday 21st August 2014

21st August 2014 / Inchie / Leave a comment

♥ I was up at 0330hrs. (No choice in the matter, urgent WC attention required and I couldn’t get off afterwards Tsk!)

Usual brekkers, took medications and then thought I’d start the laptop and get on with some posts I’d nearly got ready for WordPress.

The laptop took an inordinately long time to start, I really am expecting the worst from the old gal soon. When she did get going, I lost the BT signal repeatedly.

Eventually I go both going after several reboots, restarts and complete reboot. Good old BT.

Spend far too long getting graphics ready for post later, but I did enjoy doing them though.

About 1230hrs, I did me ablutions and put me togs on, and set off I’d decided, to walk to Nottingham Hospice shop taking some bits for em again, and then to catch bus to town and go for a ride out to Derby, taking me books with me. See… I can plan ahead yer know sometimes.

As I was going up the little hill, I thought the skyline warranted a photo – hen I got the camera case out of me bag, I realised I’m left the batteries on change back in the hovel.

So, I hobbled backed to the hovel and got em um put in. Change of plan at this stage.

I had a walk into town (Took photo), and caught the round-about route bus to Bulwell. Then visited the Fultons cheapo Freezer shop in the hope of getting another pack of the cheapo but very good microwave pork sausages, and they had some in again, so gorra pack.

Then had a walk to the cheapo shop, but again, they had nowt in I wanted or fancied.

By now, me feet and knees were aching to say the least.

Dropped the things (DVDs books and a wall clock) off at the Headway Charity Shop, and bought a book, as I’d finished me Hitler the Commander book on the bus going there.

Believe this or not, but a Mobility Scooteress reversed and nearly clobbered me – I tooketh a photo, but she was well on her way by then.

On me hobble back to the bus station I called in Heron Frozen food shop to have a decker. They had some orange suckers at 10 for a quid, and Bread flats on offer at a quid, so I got one of each like.

As I was walking past the market place, a Mobility scooter came close to catchin’ me one as he went passed me and jumped off and went into the bookies… Tsk!

Caught the 17 bus back, cause it drops me off quiet close to the flea-pit.

No yobs about I’m very glad to say. Bet they’ll be out later…

As I turned into the street, the were a dead mouse at me feet! So I took a photo like.

Got in, started the laptop, put me nosh away, made a cuppa. I updated this crap, and posted it.

Did some microwave sausage sandwiches with bbq sauce, followed my an orange sucker. And ate it when I got off the WC.

Taketh care all.

Inchie Today

Old, sick, weary, but harmless. I need to make others smile!

Month: August 2014