Reporter Juan Inchcock’s Interviews Hospital Staff and Patients

Juan had originally been out on his mission to obtain the views of the Nottingham public, on the upcoming Local Elections, while the July to August 2012 Olympics were taking place, but he suffered failure in that attempt when he was injured as a Mobility Scooter knocked him over, as he was out trying to get people’s views on the upcoming local elections for the WordPress Failed Writer’s Gazette’s Juan Inchcock Column – Local Elections Survey. Hence this, his second effort, done during his stay in ward E19 of the QMC hospital in Nottingham, as a result of his injuries received during his first attempt.

As soon as he started to come around after the hernia operation, he was again, on the job. Pen and pad at his bedside, ready to record the views of the NHS staff on the local elections.

His first victim to be interviewed was male nurse Mahmood Shafquat (23), who was returning the intrepid patient’s replacement urine bag, when pen in hand, Juan inquired of him:

“Do you have any views on the upcoming local elections in Nottingham that you’d like to share with readers of the WordPress Failed Writers Gazette  Sir?”

“Too very busy!” was the reply, as he rushed off back to the rest room TV set, leaving behind him the aroma of cigarette smoke.

Moments later, a smiling SEN arrived with the medication chest, and started to issue Inchy with his prescribed tablets. He asked her for her views:

“Oh… will this be going on the internet then?”

“Well, yes I hope so” Inchy replied

“Good, that bastard Cameron and his shitty-headed rich snotty unelected set of champagne guzzling spoon-in-the-mouth gits should be assassinated, murdered, killed painfully, have their knobs chopped off, and be deported to Outer Mongolia, the scum bags, the punks, the nasty nihilistical knob-ends…”

A shaken Juan waited until she had finished her tirade then replied “Oh… well it was the local elections that I wanted to know your views about really nurse.”

She did not flinch from carrying out her duties and continuing to dispense the medications she said:

“It’s time we had a revolution you know, it should start here in crime ridden filthy Nottingham, knock-off the crooked councillors while the 280 Nottingham policemen are in London policing the Olympics, it should be easy, I can give you a contact number if you want to help us?”

A now severely confused Juan said:

“That’s alright thank you, I’ve got that down.”

The nurse then handed him a plastic cup of water, smiled gently and handed him his tablets saying “Now take these down Mr Inchcock, and take care now. See you later old timer.”

She moved on to the next bed, leaving our reporter dazed.

A Dr Inzamam Choudhury (41) from Gastroenterology visited Inchcock’s bed, and he was asked by Inchcock: “Do you have any views on the upcoming local elections in Nottingham that you’d like to share with readers of the WordPress Failed Writers Gazette please Sir?”

“Good heavens no, I live in Richmond and commute each day… you don’t think I’d live here in Nottingham do you?”

He was still laughing as he left the ward an hour later.

A little later, an Auxiliary Nurse informed the patients that could walk, that the food was ready to be collected at the end of the ward.

Juan got out of bed, and masterfully coped with the zimmer frame and saline drip stand with the accompanying tubes, and waddled down to get his food, pen and pad in his pyjama pocket.

The assistant issuing the food, being his target for an interview, he waited until the ‘rush’ died down, and asked his question, getting the reply from the large, aggressive beauty behind the food trays:

“What? Why do you want to know? Do you think I’ve got time to talk with the likes of you? Sod off!”

He struggled back down the corridor to his bed, really rather glad she had not given him any food, because he now realised he could not have carried it anyway.

Then, a Hygiene technician started to clean under Inchy’s bed, and he asked her what her views were on the upcoming local elections. She replied:

“Are you talking to me ducks?”

“Yes, if you don’t mind?”

“Bless yer” she replied, bent down an gave Inchy a kiss on his bald head, and walked away laughing?

The Senior Charge Nurse Lance Boyle (36) informed him that Dr Seymour Butt from Psychiatry was coming to have a talk with Inchy!

Once more confused, Juan thought at least he might be able to get the doctors views on the local elections.

The doctor arrived, drew the curtains around the bed, smiled and asked Juan to drop his pyjama bottoms, and started to examine in detail what had been exposed.

Juan took the chance to ask the doctor what his views were on the local elections.

The doctor carried on with his fondling and prodding, and replied:

“Not a lot, but I suppose the council has to be run by someone. They get a lot of stick I’m told…”

At this point Juan wondered why a doctor from the Psychiatry department had got his wedding tackle in his hands, and was smiling!”

Still, it was all over within an hour and a half and the Doctor patted Inchy on his head, thanked him, popped a polo mint in his mouth and wandered off?

At this stage, Inchy gave up his quest for people’s views on the upcoming local elections.