Dearly beloved David Cameron,

 I am a lifelong member and active supporter of the Conservative party, is indeed Mater, Pater and Nanny Amelia were.

I envisage the only way for us to gain a foothold in the Socialist untermensch voting areas, is the bourgeoisification of the lower order of the species.

I am aware that this concept may seem revolutionary in certain quarters. Please allow me to annotate my ideas further with appurtenance.

As we are all apprehend, the apathetic unindustrious benefit seeking majority of the Labour voters, are quiet content as long as they can obtain their Child Benefits, their pints and afford the odd bet at the bookmakers, these things go as said naturally.

What the gorgeously delicious Mr Cameron is failing to do, is to recognise the importance of these factors. It is essential that new false promises are advanced and presented to the proletariat with great extemporaneousness.

Suggestions compiled, I agree with a certain captiousness, by my local Conservative Appreciation Society here in East London:

* At the voting booths, we could offer vouchers for anyone voting Tory, for a free pint of lager, ale whatever it’s called. (Nothing to do with the delectable and Honourable George Gideon Oliver Osborne, having shares in three brewery’s).

* Hand-out a ‘Join Barclays Bank now, and get a free £1.50 voucher to use against any future mortgage applied for though Barclays.’ (Nothing to do with eleven MPs or their family members being paid ‘Advisors’ to Barclays whatever).

We appreciate that the kind Mr Cameron is already in the process of dismantling the police force and the NHS, and agree that both are a luxury that the plebians do not appreciate. But are we as a party making this plain to the scum masses? We really ought to be putting advertisements in the Daily Mirror, informing the unemployed and illegal immigrants that by our reducing the size of the police service can only be to their benefit. They can now steal, mug, rob and riot etc with so much more ease and far less risk of ever being caught! Thus encouraging those with a vote, to vote Conservative?

I hope these suggestions are adopted and they encourage many of the educationally lesser endowed morons to use their vote for their own benefit.

Yours

Claudia Cuthberstone-Featherstonehaugh (née Fontleberry)