Feeling a bit pessimistic about life
Olive to the rescue!
Nostagia
It’s been a Funny Old Life.. Part 3 Updated
It’s been a Funny Old Life.. Part 3 Updated
I started with nothing, I’ve got most of it left.
At shoplifting Mother was rather deft,
Eventually they charged her with fraud and theft,
At this I wanted to cheer and wave a wheft,
But she got off with it, and I was bereft!
_
I left school, started working at just fourteen,
Mother reappeared on our then contented scene,
‘Cause for several years she’d hardly been seen,
This meant I’d be broke before I was fifteen,
After most of our valuables were never again seen,
Mother disappeared to stay with Auntie Eugene,
Who later also went bankrupt we did gleen,
It not that she was nasty, cruel or mean,
She’d just leave you without a flipping bean!
_
But she’s sadly missed by many you see,
By magistrates, solicitors and many P and DC,
There’s often times when comes back in me memory,
In me nightmares usually.
_
Dad knew for Mam’s next return I had no yearning,
And she would return when I started earning,
And when she did, things would be worsening,
Bank manager and wallet regretted her returning,
The neighbours got new locks, tongues were burning,
How to lock their doors they were relearning!
_
She told us she was a changed person nowadays,
She’d become kinder and changed her ways,
Having just avoided the judge sending her to Strangeways,
After with the police the pillock did liaise,
The magistrates let her off with probation – this did amaze,
And that meant the restart of Dads and my malaise,
She soon started selling t’neighbours none-existent holiday chalets,
We were really worried when she offered Dad praise,
She soon ended up back in her old ways.
_
Conning, shoplifting, bingo halls, fag-end collecting, even conned a solicitor,
She became locally famous for that one hereafter,
The magistrates this time, got even dafter,
Let her off again – in the courtroom there was much laughter!
_
They gave her a flat, and furnished it, believe that can you?
The rent they paid half of it for her, and the gas bills too,
Half of the electricity bills, and scrubbed her debts it’s true!
Arranged for her flat to be decorated and furnished all through,
As she left the Court, she smiled widely and off she flew,
I imagined her inwardly shouting “Yabbadabbadoo”!
And Crime Don’t Pay some idiot will tell you!
_
I suppose I’ll meet her again in heaven maybe I think so a bit,
I’d better prepare for when I go and snuff-it,
I’ll spend all me dosh now, before she can get her hands on it!
Bless Her – See yer in a bit Mam!
Nottingham Then and Now: Part 2: The Elite Cinema, Upper Pariament Street
Memories of The Elite Cinema, Upper Pariament Street, Nottingham
The Elite was one of the first in a new breed of ‘super-cinema’ to be built in Nottingham. Designed by the London architectural firm of Adamson & Kinns, the facade and exterior side walls were treated in an expensive white glazed tiling and contained statues along the upper portion of the building. Internally the decoration was carried out by interior designer Fred A. Foster who created a stunning interior with the auditorium walls lined with wood panels and a great deal of decorative plaster. Seating was provided in stalls and circle levels.
It opened on 22nd August 1921 with Mary Pickford in “Pollyanna”. There was a grand concert organ by the firm of Willis-Lewis which had 78 stops, plus a full orchestra. The facilities within the building also included a a restaurant, a Georgian Tea Room, a French Cafe in Louis XVI style and a large ballroom located on the top floor.
In the reception was a gigantic ornate open coal-fired fire-place.
The first ‘talkie’ in Nottingham was shown at the Elite Picture Theatre, George Jessel in “Lucky Boy” and after its screening, the cinema was closed for several weeks in July 1929 for a refurbishment.
A new Compton 2Manual/6Ranks organ was installed which was opened by Cyril Birmingham.
24 June 1929: The talking picture show had been introduced two years earlier in America with Al Jolson’s The Jazz Singer.
The first full-length ‘talkie’ film in Nottingham were shown at the Elite Cinema.
Organist Jack Helyer, in his white coat and tails, entertained audiences with their favourite tunes.
Peoples best memories was of the open fire in the foyer, especially when they arrived at he cinema and it was cold and icy outside!
Next in the Nottingham Then and Now Series:
A selction of Nottingham area photographs of specific Buildings
Then and Now – See the changes that has taken place.
Inchcocks Memories Invoked by One old Photograph
Down the alleyway between the cafe and the Naval Club was where my doctors was situated: Dr Foley. An elderly woman with a no fuss attitude, I liked her – I can picture her now – with her fussing and stern assistant/pharmacist/nurse who would light the gas-fire in the waiting room with a loud bang and flash of flame. I was on her books from 1949 to 1969.
The cafe (Can’t remember the name, something Latin I think? No doubt someone will be able to inform me I hope) The owner hired young near-do-wells like myself to sell hot dogs at the weekends in the city centre. I think they sold for 9p beefburgers 1/-. They were stored in hot water in compartments in the heavy and hard to push trolley base. The onions were horrible. Keeping folk from nicking the watered down ketchup and Daddies sauce was a problem.
To the right was the Hong Kong Restaurant. On more than one occasion they were prosecuted for some hygiene irregularity but there were so many brothers and sisters in the family, that when they were barred from running food premises, they just sold it to another family member. Mother worked there for a while – and often she was given tins with no labels on them to open and mix ready for the cook to prepare in dishes. One day she told Dad that one of these tins had a bit of label left on it – it was Top Cat cat food! Later they were done yet again, but I never heard any of the locals complain and it was always busy?
The Italian restaurant I cannot remember ever seeing anyone ever eat there. We used to joke that it must be a cover-base for the Mafia.
In later year I’d frequent the Naval Club, where the beer was only so-so but the company was great – I loved listening to the members stories of their war exploits.
In one of the flats above the Hong Kong restaurant lived a lass by the name of Maureen Hutterswaithe – a bonny lass generous with her foibles as I remember… but that might not be a suitable story for here. But it were grand!
Arkwright Street, my stomping ground as an underfed impecunious little ragamuffin.
Not all good memories but much missed nowadays in this greedy uncaring atmosphere I laughingly call life.
Hey-ho – so now I’m feeling a bit low…
Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: Bulwell
Along Bulwell Main Street
Join our guide for the day, decrepit Senior Citizen and Retired Cinema Wall Gas Light Lighter and Snuffer Outerer Technician of bad sanitary habits and Nottingham resident Bartholomew Utterswaithe, for a walk: Along Bulwell Main Street today, comparing the same walk with that of 1963, when your guide was working on that same street.
Your tour guide Bartholomew will stroll down from what today is the KFC take away, at the end of Hucknall Lane along Main Street into Bulwell Market and to the train and tram Station.
We start off at:
2014:
The recently ram raided Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet.
1963:
Where once stood the proud Adelphi cinema, tickets from 9d (4p) to 1/3d (5¼p).
2014:
On our left, is a second hand car showroom, offering on the front, a 1992 Land Rover for £6,999.
1963:
On the same spot, amazingly, there was a Land Rover dealership outlet, offering a new Land Rovers at £2,935.
2014:
Further up on the left, stands the dilapidated old Sharp’s Vauxhall Dealership premises – destroyed when travellers used it as a base some years ago, and been for sale or rent ever since, no takers though.
1963:
Sharp’s Vauxhall Dealership premises, offering the new Chevette from a price of £1,593!
2014:
On our right, the Cancer Research charity shop, that was in the news recently when they were raided by two knife wielding local yobs.
1963:
Two cottages, later bought by investors and sold to Councillor Arbuthnot.
2014:
Further along, the Extra Charity shop, with furniture etc available for those in need.
1963:
A motorbike shop. With the new Honda 50 cub at under £100 for sale.
2014:
The new Tesco now stands on our left – as yet not raided or fire bombed, but it’s new, give them time. Although the local shoplifters took to it straight away.
1963:
The Scots Grey public House, beer at 1/- (5p) a pint, skittles alley, darts, dominoes, tip-it, bar skittles, shove halfpenny, fags at 3/2d (15¼p) for twenty, good company, an RAOB lodge and a buxom landlady… ah memories!
2014:
As we veer left to main shopping part of the road, come across, a closed down retail unit, another charity shop, a closed down retail unit, a stationery shop, a bank, another charity shop, a closed down retail unit, a Pay Day Loan outlet, a cake shop, a bank, a building society, a closed down retail unit, a butchers, Iceland, a cheap frozen food shop, a closed down retail unit, a shoe shop, a charity shop, a pub, a bingo shop, a buy your gold shop, a closed down retail unit, the ATM that was raided last week outside the bank, the alleyway where the two women were attacked last February, and the ram raided jewellery store that has not opened since, Ali’s newspaper shop, a closed down retail unit, finally near the market place, the Wilko’s store that was broken into last weekend, another favourite with the local shop-lifters.
1963:
There was, a newspaper shop, a sweet shop, a greengrocers, a wet fishmongers, a chip shop, a second hand shop, a bank, a police station, two pubs, a butchers, a cake shop, a Sanderson’s Tripe shop, a Fine Fare supermarket, a Cycle shop, a hairdressers, a hardware shop, a bakers, Roses shoe shop, a Farrand’s grocery shop, a post office, and a wines and spirits shop. The shoplifting craze hadn’t fully installed itself with the local at this time.
2014:
Now at the market: It has all been pedestrianised, the market is no longer held five days a week, but three, and the 54 stalls that used to be there, are down to about 11. Bakers, three greengrocers stalls of sorts, socks & gloves stalls, hot-cold take-away foods, fishmongers van, four women’s clothes stalls, games stall, DVD stall, Accident
cinsurers/claims people lurking, and depressed big issue sellers were there on the day of our visit.
1963:
Then, there were several greengrocery stalls, two bakery stalls, two butchers stalls, pottery stalls, a fishmonger, a hot pie and peas whelks etc. stall, a chip shop van, a grocery stall, a florist stall, men’s-wear stalls, ladies-wear stalls, shoe stalls, toy stalls, record stalls, hardware stalls, sweet stalls, etc. The trolley buses terminus around the traffic island. (3d [1¼p]maximum fare)
2014:
Around the market: Greggs hot food (20% VAT), Cohen’s Jewellery shop, cheap freezer centre, cheap foods, a pound shop, stationers, a butcher who sells his meat by the tray with no weights indicated, a book shop, JCP benefits office, the Police Station torched in the riots (still closed), the bus station (£1.80 minimum fare), café’s, the canal (where the two kids threw another kid into it last January), the new Tram stop, and the highly ignore pedestrian crossing.
1963:
Marsden’s Grocers (I worked there), Newspaper shop, sweet shop, shoe shop, Jewellery store, Woolworth’s, Elmo supermarket, Co-op grocers, pub, the butchers who sold the glorious beef dripping with jelly, Chip shop, Police Station (With Policemen), furniture shop, record shop, and a Cowheel, tripe, pie & jellied eel shop.
The sound of the market in 1963 were those of the barkers selling their wares and food, the bus conductors calling out to the passengers, the laughter of the children and their mothers telling them off, and the occasional sound of traffic. (The trolley buses made no noise other than that of their tyres)
Today, we heard the constant stream of bad language coming from the kids, while their mothers ignored them as they were using their mobile phones to shout down, and the sound of emergency services sirens seemed to be always in the air.
Never mind eh!
Inchcock’s Advice/Tips for those approaching Old Age
Inchy’s Advice, Support & Tips for those entering old age
Inchcock, just before his last arrest
This article, was designed by the effervescent, disconsolate, decrepit, depressed Juan Inchcock (68), to offer help, support, succour and advice to those of the population who are entering their late 60’s – in an effort to lessen the culture-shock suffered by many, when they also might suffer from; loneliness, depression, being mugged, incontinence, arthritis, angina, sticking reflux valve, long term memory loss, lost hearing and eyesight, cramps and being overcharged for what bits of food they can afford to buy from Lidl, the Pound Shop and Aldi stores.
Inchy’s intention is to pass on his experiences in the hope that others will be more betterer prepared than wot he was for caducity, feebleness and fatuity!
Things wot you will miss and why!
You Will Miss:
Kicking the cat.
The Reason/Why:
She’s just too quick for you nowadays!
You Will Miss:
Releasing a safe, controlled, intentional, emission of wind.
The Reason/Why:
Too risky nowadays! What with the medications as well?
You Will Miss:
Waiting for ten minutes for the TV to warm up.
The Reason/Why:
They tell me the new TVs warm up in under five minutes nowadays. If you’re like me, you can’t afford one or the licence anyway!
You Will Miss:
On the Goggle-box: Wagon Train, Dixon of Dock Green, No Hiding Place, Danger Man, Beat the Clock, Bill & Ben The Flowerpot Men, with Little Weed, Cannonball, Double Your Money, Daktari, Armchair Theatre, The Army Game, The Billy Cotton Bandshow, The Black and White Minstrels, Emergency Ward 10, Fabian of Scotland Yard, The Grove Family, Hancock’s Half Hour, Harry Worth, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, Interpol Calling, Lunchbox, Maigret, The Phil Silvers Show, Quatermass, Double Your Money, Saber of London, Scotland Yard, Six-Five Special, Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Avengers, The Third Man, Dial999, The Human Jungle, Casey Jones, The Bill, The Sweeney, Dads Army, The Saint, Man in a Suitcase, Are You Being Served, One Foot in the Grave, The Worker, The A Team, The Persuaders, Hetty Wainthropp Investigates, Yes Minister, Steptoe & Son, ‘Allo ‘Allo!, Blott on the Landscape, Bootsie and Snudge, The Brittas Empire, The Dick Emery Show, The Dustbinmen, Duty Free, Ever Decreasing Circles, The Rise & Fall of Reginald Perrin, It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, The Good Life, Keeping Up Appearances, The Likely Lads, Love Thy Neighbour, Nearest and Dearest, Robin Hood with Richard Greene, Porridge, The Piglet Files, Goodnight Sweetheart, Rising Damp, The Eric Sykes Show, Till Death Us Do Part, Columbo, Heartbeat, Z-Cars, The Adventures of William Tell, Auf Wiedersehen Pet, Candid Camera, Darling Buds of May, Emergency Ward 10, The Detectives, To the Manor Born, Fawlty Towers, Inspector Morse, Juliet Bravo, Mind Your Language, Special Branch, Never Mind the Quality Feel the Width, Oh No, It’s Selwyn Froggitt!, Paul Temple, Porridge, Open All Hours, The Professionals, Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), Some Mothers Do ‘Ave ‘Em, The Sooty Show, Van der Valk, Waiting for God, and perhaps my three personal favourites: Rumpole of the Bailey, Open All Hours and The Morecambe and Wise Show!
The Reason/Why:
Because even if you had a TV set now, your short term memory would ensure you forget what you’ve watched ten minutes earlier, but you can recall the 1950s/60s stuff easily!
You Will Miss:
The attention of the opposite sex!
The Reason/Why:
Nothing left to attract them, what with baldness, the limp, deafness, your odour, and your having forgot what or how to do it anyway – I find a little comfort in just trying to remember that night at the back of the pictures in 1962 with Grizelda Freudenberger?
You Will Miss:
Going out with a half-crown, (2/6d) (12.5p) to the pictures, having an ice-cream or sucker, travelling both ways on the trolleybus, and still having change when you got home!
The Reason/Why:
It would cost around £29 to do similar today, and you cannot afford it!
You Will Miss:
Queuing up at; the dance hall – the bowling alley – the football ground and other places. Where you actually met and spoke to real people.
The Reason/Why:
No one really wants to talk to you nowadays. Today you queue up at the Benefits Office, the GP surgery, and the Out-of-date cheap food shop!
You Will Miss:
Making financial donations without flinching!
The Reason/Why:
Today, the staff at Lidl take it from you by overcharging, you do not flinch until you get home and realise they have done so again!
You Will Miss:
The pangs in the stomach when a nubile young gal touches you, smiles and says yes!
The Reason/Why:
The pangs will be indigestion, angina, or wind nowadays, and no females look at you, smile at you (apart from out of sympathy), or says yes!
You Will Miss:
Taking a drive out in the countryside.
The Reason/Why:
They took away your licence on medical grounds, (I keep falling asleep, on busses, trains, when sitting, I even fell asleep in the Dentists chair last year!) And anyway, I couldn’t afford a car nowadays.
You Will Miss:
The odd Politician you could believe.
The Reason/Why:
They no longer exist!
You Will Miss:
Nat King Cole’s singing, Will Hay’s films and Acker Bilk’s Trad Jazz.
The Reason/Why:
There will never be replaced, only mimicked; a bit like you?
You Will Miss:
The excitement of seeing shoplifters caught when you’re out shopping in the department stores!
The Reason/Why:
So commonplace today everywhere, and you cannot afford to shop any-way.
You Will Miss:
Remembering where it was you had set out to go to.
The Reason/Why:
You should still be able to do this about 30% of the time on average. If you do get confused, check to see if it was any of these: The Doctors Surgery – The Hospital Cardiac Unit – The Benefits Office – The Hearing Aid Centre – The Cheap food shop – The Pound Store – The Opticians or The Charity Shop. It is unlikely to be anywhere else.
You Will Miss:
Having a pint and your pipe.
The Reason/Why:
The Doctors will have told you not to drink alcohol, and definitely not to smoke your pipe any-more. Tsk!
Inchy’s Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham: City to the Castle
From the City Centre – to Nottingham Castle
Inchy, on one of his better days
Our local historian, guide, agniologist and doddery pensioner Juan Inchcock takes you along the route, describing what we sees now, and what was there in his youth and before. A Nottingham born Lad of a gentle nature, uneducated, insanitary, and in ill health, he’s been reporting on Nottingham for many years. He’s currently the top unpaid journalist for WordPress.com. and a founder member of the ‘Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society, and offers half of all the money that he doesn’t earn to support to the ‘Bring Back the Death Penalty for Politician’s – Senile Diplegic Supporters Division, Nottingham Branch’, as Secretary to the branches cleaning operatives third cousin.
The comparisons depict the changing face of life for Nottinghamians’.
Nottingham City Centre
1863:
We stand in the market-place amidst the horse and carts of the traders, opposite the Soup kitchens.
1963:
Bill Fury, one of my all time favourites, along with Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, Adam Faith, The Shadows, Acker Bilk… I’d better stop or I’ll not have any room left!
We stand at the taxi rank, opposite the McFisheries supermarket. Billy Fury, Elvis, Adam Faith and the new group theBeatles records on sale at Griffin and Spalding store.
2014:
We stand on the new tram lines on South Parade, opposite the bank raided by armed robbers last July, the Pay-Day loan shop, and the Fountains provided for our children to play and urinate in, and the three Coffee Houses.
Friar Lane (bottom)
1863:
On the corner on our left, is the Mikado Cafe, tea or coffee costing 1/8th of a penny. (Farthing) 0.005p)
1963:
On the corner on our left, is The Friary Cafe, tea or coffee 3d (1¼p) Toby’s department store, and Burton’s Tailors next to Wimpey Cafe/Bar.
2014:
On the corner on our left, is Starbucks cafe, (looted in the 2010 Nottingham riots), tea £1.20 coffee up to £3.39. Where a few years ago I was responding to an alarm call, and got booked my a traffic warden.
Friar Lane (Way up on the left)
1863:
No buildings at all by the lane, which was almost a very wide pathway then.
She earned more in a month as a part-time Barclay’s ‘Advisor’, than I did in a year! Didn’t bother me though… oh no!
1963:
A sweetshop, Hambro’s Bank (went defunct in 1988), no Conservative minister investors to save them then, like William Hague to ensure his wife’s income from her part-time job as a Barclay’s bank advisor remained profitable, like in 2010, an old peoples help centre (conveniently positions at the top of the hill).. oh dear, now closed down, and an Indian restaurant.
2014:
A cobblers, hairdressers, empty Co-op bank building, and a Charity Shop, Chinese Food shop, and Pay-Day Loan crooks shop.
Friar Lane (Way up on the right)
Many beautiful designs of Fothergill’s in Nottingham have destroyed by our wonderful Nottingham City Council. This one survived, but is unoccupied.
1863:
Some magnificent houses of the rich, designed by William Fothergill, gargoyles included.
1963:
The grand Toby’s Department Store (Vernon House). Went Bankrupt a few years later.
2014:
A Charity shop, the Citi Restaurant (Beer from £2.99 per bottle), and a newsagents.
Friar Lane (Junction of Derby Road) Corner one on the left:
1863:
This area was (apart from a footpath forged through it) all wasteland, with lookout posts from the military based at the Castle.
1963:
A cafe (cannot remember the name, possibly Maid Marion Cafe. Fish & Chips 1/10d (9p)
2014:
Indian Resturant Fish and Chips £7.99.
Corner One on the right:
1863:
Wasteland
1963:
Newspaper shop – Evening Post 1d (¼p)
2014:
Newspaper shop – Evening Post 50p weekdays, 60p Saturdays.
Corner Three on the left:
1863:
Lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.
1963:
Derelict lookout post for Nottingham Castle troops.
2014:
Abandoned office block.
Corner four on the right
1863:
Wasteland
1963:
Tesco supermarket (purchased from Elmo supermarkets)
2014:
Abandoned Robin Hood Centre (torched in the Nottingham Riots 2010).
Friar Lane (Top end right)
1863:
Stables for the cavalry based at Nottingham Castle.
1963:
Travel Agents, Wimpey’s snack bar, and ice cream shop.
2014:
Row of abandoned businesses, charity shop, and a night shelter for street dwellers.
Friar Lane (Top end left)
1863:
Residential premises.
1963:
Residential and now offices built.
2014:
Abandoned offices.
Nottingham Castle Entrance
1863:
Near main gates: Horse-guard’s Cavalry Stables and arsenal. No admittance to the citizenry.
1963:
Near main gates: Ice-cream vendor, flower seller, and Boy Scout hut. Robin Hood statue and car park. Admission free.
2014:
Near main gates: Graffiti ridden Robin Hood statue cleaned up, CCTV cameras, No parking sign, Admission fee £6.50.
More Historical Walks of Ye Olde Nottingham to follow