Ode

Retirement

/ Inchie / 6 Comments

6Sat04

Retirement sing-along to the tune of:

My Favourite Things

You remember: the tune from ‘The Sound of Music’?

Warfarin, duodenal Ulcer and cuts that need knitting,
Omeprazole and Morphine and new dental fittings,
Enoxaparin injections and boy they don’t half sting,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Metal ticker valve, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Simvastatin, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Overdue rent and those romantic flings,
These are a few of my favourite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy meals or food cooked with onions,
Social workers, the hot meals that they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Back pains, confused brains and no fear of sinning,
Thin bones and fractures and hair beyond thinning,
More of the pleasures maturity brings-
When we remember our favourite things.

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
I simply remember the great life I’ve had,
And then I don’t feel… so bad.

Hehehe!

Inchcock – Thursday 20th April 2017

/ Inchie / 5 Comments

4Thur05

Thursday 20th April 2017

Macedonian: 20 четвртокот Април 2017 година

Woke at 0410hrs: Bits of a dream lingered for a while but departed my brain within seconds. These were replaced with the determination to get the washing done as soon as possible.

0420hrs: Out of the £300 second-hand recliner. No washing, medicationalisationing or kettle put on – I gathered the laundry bag, made sure the accoutrements were added to it and hobbled down to the laundry room. Still feeling bad in and about myself for the joke going wrong with the lovely hygiene gals being upset. Got the washer going and returned back up and got the computer going and started the diaries.

4Thur05.0455hrs: Back down and moved the stuff from the washing machine to the dryer and got that started.Some notices had been moved on the board

Some notices had been moved on the board.

One about Repair Priorities. And the now classified list, with the new times, shown.

4Thur06The other was just a reminder that repairs are now the Tenant’s Responsibility to report their own repairs.

I thought about the difficulty I had hearing the person on the other end of the line last time I did this and was prompted to remember that I have got to search for the hearing aid tubes and if I can find them, replace the broken one on the right-hand aid.

Up and did the Health Checks then started this blog off.

4Thur07Looking good, even the weight is down a bit.

Down to collect the dried laundry – but oh dear… it was not drie4Thur08d fully at all! But the cycle back on and back up the lift.

Did some WordPressing then I returned back down to the laundry room, to find the clothing no drier than it was before?

Tsk!

Got it folded and cleaned the filter out.

4Thur09

Back up to the apartment and got both of the airers utilises as well as the airing cupboard. In an effort to get the things dry enough to wear later.

Made a brew and took the medications.

To the porcelain throne and only Haemorrhoid Harold was bleeding, The Senna’s had done their job.

Back on the computer and updated this diary.

4Thur11Got an email about the Morrison delivery on its way. Delivery arrived.Got the Canadian

Got the Canadian Buckwood Maple Syrup in, I plan to use it in plain yoghourt, but I will ask some of the Canadian TFZers on Facebook if they have any suggestions for its use too.

 Also, thought it wise to get some more of those horrendous safety knickers in stock.

Being as Little Inchy’s lesion has started bleeding again, better safe than sorry eh?

4Thur10They sent large instead of extra large this time, I didn’t notice until I took the photograph.

Tsk!

I’ll use one today after the ablutions and see if they will fit, or if I will fit into them.

Hehehe!

Embarrassing I know, but they can save an awful lot of cleaning up in the long run.

Got onto CorelDraw sorting again. Spent hours on it once more. The CorelPaint crashed on me at one time, but I think it might have been due to my getting the shakes just as I was selecting an option, and hit it twice?

Opened it up again and all worked.

Had to remember to keep moving the damp clothes around on the airers.

Eventually gave up on CorelDraw defaulting and finished off the diary and updated this one to here.

1Mon001Did a poem to go with WordPress, I called it: The Nape of Existence. A bit of fun, even it was true. Haha!

Did this graphic to use as a header.

Link: The Nape of Existence

Posted it off.

Then I got around to catching up on Facebook. Hours and hours it took, but all in the name of depriving me of suffering from depression… Blimey, Did I say that?

Nipped in to have a wee-wee before setting off to the Tenants Meeting Social Hour, and, 2Tue05. The scar had opened badly on Little Inchy and the blood had flowed. Had a right mess to clean up and medicate! Took me that long the meeting was only ten minutes away from ending by the time I got there! Grumph! Hand time to pose with the others for a photo for the builders? Give the nibbles out and the raffle prizes to Obergruppenfureress Penny to use next week, and everyone was leaving.

I got myself back to the abode and checked Little Inchy and he was at it again. Tsk!

05Thu12Made a cuppa, and saw that I had left the Strawberry flavoured vanilla filled suckers delivered earlier on the window ledge, instead of putting them in the freezer!

Another 2Tue05! All eight were now liquid in bags that leaked!

I was not having a good day at all. I was already depressed with my humour cock-up, the laundry room farce and having things drying all over the place, virtually missed the Social Hour and the Virus scar bleeding again. Not good! I could not muster any enthusiasm or interest at all. Then I remembered I’ve got to do the Facebooking. But even that didn’t do much to cheer me up.

I moved the clothes around on the airers, getting some of the thicker ones out of the airing cupboard and putting the removed ones into it – but automatically as if I had resigned myself to everything going wrong, and had no idea how to stop them. Odd?

Made a mug of tea and got on Facebook.

Did some more CorelDraw 2017 updating.

Feeling morose, annoyed with me and thinking silly thoughts, although at the time they were perfectly logical thoughts.

A friend contacted me and suggested I tell the doctor everything. But this will not take away the stupid decisions and practical jokes gone wrong or self-loathing, will it? I appreciated so much his contacting me, but the shadow of hopelessness loomed. Never felt like this before.

I sat a while thinking about things, the negative thoughts mounted and soon the brain was in freefall – I had to stop myself getting into a rut of… well, I don’t know.

I’m going to the surgery on Monday for the INR blood test, and promised Lynton I’d book myself in, to see the Doctor Vindla. Musn’t let him or myself down after he’s taken the time, bother and shown such compassion for me. (Hope that’s the right word?).

Not been out, apart from on the site for days now.

4Thur04Made a meal.

Threw away the hunters sausages after one bite, far too fatty.Didn’t eat the cheese.

Didn’t eat the cheese.

Thought I might start nibbling again later, but only had a bag of Marmite crisps, so depressed with things. 

Foolish thoughts came and went, suddenly the balcony was tempting. 

I might get this diary done, then stop doing them until something is sorted, I do not want to broadcast doom and gloom, I want to make people smile and laugh. Finding this hard myself limits the scope. 

Got a shower shave and did the teeth, in sort of automatic mode? 

More terrible thoughts permeated the brain as I settled down. 

 Hopefully, the inner torment will somehow ease.

TTFN

Whoopsiedangleploppableness

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

7sun01a

I’ll start with just what is a Whoopsiedangleplop,

It’s when the accidents, mishaps and calamities don’t stop,

Inanimate things break, disappear & if breakable, these you’ll drop,

 The surgeon takes poorly when doing your hernia op,

Your brain power is of 50cc in power, others have a turboprop,

Some go hang-gliding or skiing, you visit the bookshop,

For a self-treat some buy themselves a Jaguar or BMW soft-top,

A Whoopsiedangleplopper treats himself to an orange lollipop,

Other blokes may have a perm, but you’ve no hair on top,

Whoopsedangleplopper’s, too soft, you won’t even tread on a snowdrop,

Blokes work on their cars in the garage or workshop,

6sat07

You polish your Pensioner’s bus pass as you wait at the bus stop,

Men give their partners Caviar, you make yours do with chips & a rollmop,

And Whoopsiedangleplopper’s, buy their clothes from the charity shop.

Common sense, confidence, social skills, Whoopsiedangleploppers? No ability!

7sun01a

Born, but unwelcomed into the world, a pity,

Whoopsiedangleplops followed him with great ubiquity,

He was surrounded my anger, hatred and mendacity,

But tried all his life to be kind, caring and witty,

Worked hard not to become a burden or a liability,

He soon learned to despise hatred, the selfish and nihility,

But to free himself of Whoopsiedangleplops he had no ability,

Dragged up in slums, he did not want nobility,

Thrown into the canal, that was no farcicality!

He yearned for a family and happiness in any quantity,

But he got just unintended iniquity, 

Left school at fourteen, little education or capability,

Into a bed and breakfast dwelling, turned to alcohol, life was shitty.

7sun02

Got a partner and lost her soon, then a new disability,

The ailments he accrued with great persistency,

Deafness, colour blindness, duodenal ulcer with rapidity,

New mechanical ticker valve, done my Dr Ivan Moskovsky,

Then his hernia, being shot, and Anne Gyna appeared,

As he anticipated more ailments came over the years,

Broke his leg, ankles and rheumatoid  arthritis appears,

Then his reflux valve stuck to add to his fears.

Crushed his big toe, then he got colitis another disability,

Made redundant when turned 62, life was not very pretty,

Made redundant twice more, life now full of instability,

Eight years later, still full of gullibility,

Moves into the flat, feeling great inferiority,

Since which nothing has gone right much at all,

Not that life has ever been a ball…

I face each new day filled with trepidity.

Thinking, how today will show my stupidity,

I’m bound to once again display my ineffectivity,

I’d love to find and show some intrepidity.

7sun02a

In support of the Outer Peruvian Pregnant Kangaroo Appreciation Society

Advice for Whippersnappers in Future Life

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

aa03rachel

Where once you enjoyed shaking it about on the dance floor,

You’ll grow arthritic, have angina and no cash left, so, therefore,

You’ll be incapable of jigging anything with the lassies anymore,

By definition far less and less will you manage to score,

For your bodily actions will become far too shrunken and sore,

Later you’ll become an excellent raconteur,

Telling others of your exploits, victories that once you saw,

Tell folks how you were once stung on the bum, by a Dumbledore.

From socialising, drinking and concerts you’ll have to withdraw,

Can’t pay you gas bill, get in trouble with the law for being poor,

With sadness, you’ll recall that in 1963, oh, the shows you saw,

Roy Orbison, Billy Fury, Adam Faith, even Sandie Shaw,

Stopped using your pipe; you can’t afford the Erinmore.

ac01

Your pension fund will decrease by at least fives-core,

Embarrassed, you’ll ask for help from the Salvation Army Corps.

Can’t afford to mend your shoes, windows or door,

You’ll not remember what your aftershave was used for!

Short of cash, you’ll have to sell your beloved vibrator,

To buy yourself instead, antiseptic creams and a respirator!

amorrisangi2

You’re getting up times will become much later,

Looking in the mirror, you’ll see your Pater,

See wrinkles and pot-marks you’ve not noticed, now feeling unsure,

Wake up throughout the night, for WC visits, like never before.

Your speech will be littered with many an error and metaphor,

To eat your meals, you’ll wear your teeth and a pinafore,

Your memory loss and confusion will become folklore,

Bending down to pick summat up, becomes a furore,

Getting utility bills, make you fret and sweat through every pore,

The kids of today, you’ll soon learn to deplore.

arachel

Ask why footballers get paid so much more?

Finding your health, mind, teeth and hair you cannot restore,

You get dressed shave shower and wonder what for?

Whence has hope desire and health have gone for sure,

  Why, how do you keep up your spirit’s therefore?

Life becomes hard, embittered and a bit of a bore,

Time to browse the undertaker’s brochure?

Then you’ll meet a lovely Olive, ah, that’s the cure!

Olive - My sweetheart

Still, life ain’t so bad… Hehehe!

Life is but a Daily Competition – A guide for those of you who are not yet senile

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

Forgive this little ditty; I know it’s not got class or erudition,

I know it’s a bit of an uneducated disquisition,

So this is the position of my exposition.

Entitled: Life is but a Daily Competition

Slab riots

The fight to extract my mass from the chair each morning,

The £300 second-hand recliner, it dangerous take-warning,

It’s a bit of a gamble, will be dead or functioning,

Will I get out in time for my ablutionising?

Usually not, so follows medicationalising and sanitising!

Take the tablets, do the medical checks too,

Important this, when one’s decrepit and seventy-two,

BP, temperature, pulse, just a few you have to do,

Creams, lotions, pain gel and new aches for you,

Hospital, doctors, clinic and chiropodist appointment due?

Check what day it is, or you won’t have a clue!

There’ll be plenty of things for you to misconstrue,

Things to forget, not remember, it makes you feel blue,

Getting things wrong is easy like you’re on Autocue,

Leave the tap running, heater or lights, there’s more than a few!

From decision making, you will find you eschew,

The red Gas Bill demand will be overdue,

What day and time is your next health assessment interview?

Singing to yourself, ‘Jealousy’ and  ‘A Boy named Sue’,

Knowing the words surprises you,

But you won’t remember, what’s needed next to do,

The name of your neighbour or grandnephew,

The number bus you need or when it is due,

Or, where you put the letter from the Inland Revenue.

SlabInchHead

Try to find your hearing aids, pen or glasses, but you cannot,

Get people’s names wrong and feel a right clot,

Forgetting where you were going, you’ll do that a lot,

Or getting there, no idea why and lose the plot,

Dropping things all the time like the teapot,

Bottles, coins, medicines and anything hot,

Arriving at the surgery, and wondering for what?

Repeatedly telling folks the same thing like a parrot,

Most of what you utter will be complete tommyrot.

Tug

Falling asleep anywhere or time without any fuss,

Often in a waiting room or on the bus,

Waking up at the depot, feeling ridiculous,

You’ll find your hands and fingers less dexterous,

Delicate parts of your body become fugacious,

Redundant, saggy and then none exitatious,

You’ll lose the urge to be flirtatious,

But gain the urge, to be grumpy and vexatious!

Woodthorpe

I only wanted a shave and shower! – How hard can that be?

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

Having a Shave and Shower…

I wanted to be presentable, to visit Olive in flat eighty-two,

Thought: I’ll take a shower and shave, that’s what I’ll do,

Then I had to have a session on the loo,

Good job I’d used the lemon scented Toilet-Bloo,

Readied for the best shave a man can get, it must be true,

The Gillette razor, two blades and Hydration Moisturiser mark two!

Moments later, I felt like Victor Meldrew, too

Much blood was drawn, a scar left my ear-lobe all askew,

 But I got the after-shave & TCP on it, it’d stop soon I knew.

01

I went to move the shower chair – a dizzy and before I knew,

I was entangled in it and to the fall I flew,

Hit the wall with my head, now all bestrew,

Some doctoring I had to do,

TCP applied to the, that made me say Ooh!

08

Luckily, no blood was drew (Bad English bit it’ll do for you),

Moved the chair and back in the showering to do,

My language was rather I admit, rather blue,

The pump gurgled, why it does this I never knew,

Applied the carbolic soap and honeydew,

Scrubbed away singing, the words of which I knew few,

The lump on my head swelled and grew,

A headache bad, but no hiatus or issue,

Soon I would be at Olives, so from the shower, I withdrew.

Citrus underarm sprayed, the Brut lid I couldn’t unscrew,

The toothpaste top was a bit hard to undo,

Sit-ups, press-ups and squats, each one hundred and twenty-two,

Shadow boxed and handstands like daily I do,

aa00h

Changed into me best togs, mainly in Sky-blue,

Rushed off to see Olive, for who my love is true!

aa01

Doctors say at our ages, passions, we should subdue?

I say, thanks and but from this advice we just may Eschew!

I fank you!

Spring has Sprung

/ Inchie / 7 Comments

aa01

The words come from deep within Inchcock’s complicated, unfathomable incomprehensible to ordinary pensioners brain. The lies, innuendoes, the pathetic rhyming and grammar are his forte yer know!

Spring Has Sprunged

Early this morning I awoke and visited the bathroom to take a ting-a-ling,

As the Cystitis offered me, his usual persistent painful sting,

I realised it was the first day of Spring,

And, I started to formulate this linguistic string.

*****

Ideas flooded my brain for all they were worth,

I had ideas of wit, compassion and mirth,

Was I going through a Spiritual rebirth?

No, it was Little Inchy, the bleeding was worse,

Suddenly I was no longer ready for the hearse!

I wanted to watch the daffodils as they battle through the earth.

*****

My mood changed to one willing for acquiescing,

I no longer cared who is left or right wing,

I wanted to join in with the birds and sing,

So I did sing out, and here’s the thing,

The door bell began to ring,

T’was the neighbour, this message she did bring,

“Are you alright, I heard you braying?”

I thought you were ill, she was saying.

*****

The phone came to life and I answered it quick,

It was my bank manager. Merciless Mick,

He explained my finances and gave me some verbal stick,

Afterwards, my mind was like the Sputnik,

I was lost, confused and feeling sick,

Then, I certainly didn’t feel in the least hegemonic,

My lack of enthusiasm for Spring turned chronic.

*****

A long bath would no doubt make me feel better?

As I got in, the knee gave, but did it matter?

It went again getting out, on the sink my head did clatter,

Making a mess, as the blood did splatter,

I cleaned up the mess, on the head wound I put a plaster,

GC blue f03a

Tried putting Polyfiller on the cracked alabaster,

Ridding myself of depression, I could not master,

Had a feeling of gloom and impending disaster!

*****

Couldn’t find my glasses or ear-drops,

Started this ode, thought it was a load of codswallops,

I no longer wanted to greet Spring from the rooftops,

Now I’m fed up with life and its Whoopsiedangleplops!

No Inchcocks were harmed in the production of this rubbish.

All injuries were received either before or afterwards.

It’s Been a Funny Old Life Part Five – Starting school year…

/ Inchie / 4 Comments

NCCwalk01

I was born in 1947, an accident for sure,

Mother now long gone, to void being arrested,

This fact I was content to inure,

By Auntie Gail then, I was molested,

I loved it, thought she was a treasure,

Then going to school, this is where my sanity was tested!

*****

Avoiding being beaten up several times each day,

Keeping the bully boys at bay,

Being called a Nancy for wanting to learn,

Having three other jobs, for spending money to earn,

Paper rounds, Saturday job & wood bundling; jobs I couldn’t spurn

For Dad said, I had to Pay-As-You-Earn!

*****

I had to earn enough cash for the school meals daily to eat,

I’d have agreed to being adopted in a heartbeat,

But Aunt Gail didn’t ask, and we never again did meet,

Oh, how I did cry and wailed, I was so downbeat!

*****

I continued working, bundling the fire-wood,

Grafting away every hour that I could.

Doing extra night shifts, when they asked, I would.

The long tiring hours stood me well later in adulthood,

Then the boss showed me how to saw the wood,

He left me to carry on, there was so much blood!

*****

When the plank shot up off the bench, it caused a conflagration,

Then landed on he head, causing a nasty indentation,

The emergency services arrived, quite an accumulation,

Firemen, ambulancemen, police, a right altercation,

The ambulancemen gave me a perambulation,

To the Children Hospital, where they gave me an investigation,

I was sent home within the hour, Dad offered words of caution:

If my dinner isn’t ready when I get home again, they’ll be an argumentation!

Ah, memories…

Inchcock: Looking Back – In Rhyme (Of sorts)

/ Inchie / 2 Comments

 

NCCwalk02

Looking back, I see happiness, struggle and guilt,

I slept under clothing; we didn’t have a quilt,

The back yard covered in soot and silt,

From the railway line above us, what BR had built,

In poverty, we were up to the hilt!

*****

The disappearing family, starting with Mothers running away,

The police pursued her, warrants in hand, I might say,

But I didn’t blame her for running then, and not even today,

The police couldn’t find her, try as they may,

They search all over Britain, even in Callais,

Years later they did, arrested her, tried her but didn’t put her away,

Gave her a new flat, paid her rent, utility bills too did they,

Con-Woman Par Excellence, at her trial on the day,

Victims appeared as Character witnesses for her! it’s true to say.

*****

Joined the Army, booted out shortly, made me feel blue,

Searched for a job, something I could do,

Went into retail, and did very well too,

Then I got made redundant, what a hullabaloo!

Did industrial cleaning, hard work and horrible too,

Then I got made redundant, occasion number two,

The only job I could get then was in Security, boo-hoo,

Minimum wage, eighty hours a week, eventually promotion got through,

Even more hours, but the wage went up 15p an hour, Yahoo!

Then I got made redundant there too!

*****

To another Security company, where my hopes were high,

Another 10p an hour, I felt I could fly!

Working in the Control room, hard graft but I was on a high,

Then I got made redundant, for the fourth time oh my!

*****

No chance of further work appeared now was so old,

64 years of age and out of work, it made me feel bitter and cold,

So I had to go on the Old King Cole; the dole,

Signing on, applying for jobs, nothing to behold,

I was not trying enough to find work; I was told,

140 applications in 6 months not enough? Anger took a hold!

*****

 “I may have to review your support rates,” said the spotty faced urchin,

He nearly got a punch on his acne ridden chin!

But I remembered I was on a high reading for me Warfarin,

I asked the pimply person if he’d like to somehow begin…

Talking to me without sneering, my control level was getting thin,

That was when he hit a panic button, to get Security in!

*****

I was removed to an office, to await the arrival of the police; there’s gratitude!

A chap said ‘We’ve got it all on Camera, your abusive attitude!

I’ve done or said nowt wrong, Good God, I spewed!

The police arrived, we chatted, they checked the camera, I’d not been rude!

They let me go, showing common sense and latitude!

*****

Next week I was put on Income Support, I was a £10 better off then,

Soon I got me retirement pension; I was happy again,

Of course, the Angina, and duodenal ulcer was a pain,

Having to have a new ticker fitted, and  the varicose vein,

The Arthritis the sticking reflux valve, the blood from piles did stain,  

The hearing aids now fitted, I could hear a bit again, 

I started to go just a little bit insane!

*****

Bum bum!